Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Well, that was interesting.

The Leland Art Council presents an evening of mime.

I prefer an evening of dentistry.

Let me get this straight,

you didn't enjoy it.

Well, Ellen, I-i-i got to admit,

for the first couple of minutes it was pretty interesting

watching a guy in whiteface walking around

going like this.

After 10 minutes, you want to start slapping people around.

Alex, if you just give it a chance,

mime can really be exciting.

I did give it a chance.

You kept getting up and yelling, "louder, louder!"

Look, Ellen, I'd, uh... I'd like to sit around here

and argue with you about this,

but I got something more important to do.

What?

Give you this.

Six-month anniversary.

Alex.

It's beautiful.

A pocket calculator.

You don't already have one?

Not with a slide rule.

Oh, look. They're at it again.

Hey, hey, come on, give us a break.

It's a special occasion tonight.

It's our six-month anniversary.

I-I just gave Ellen a present.

When does it mature?

It's a pocket calculator with a slide rule.

Sounds like love to me, Ellen.

Joke if you will, okay,

but these have been

the six best consecutive months of my life.

Me too.

I liked him, too, for the first six months I knew him.

Then what happened?

Well, let's just say there's been a lot of water

under the bridge since then.

I could tell you some stories.

Come on, now. Ellen likes Alex.

What happened in the past isn't important.

I was just gonna tell Ellen about the time Alex

secretly invested dad's money in the stock market.

Oh, Ellen, you got to hear this.

Come on, come on.

Ellen doesn't want to sit around here

and listen to a bunch of boring old stories, do you, Ellen?

You invested your father's money in the stock market

without telling him?

Alex was taking a high-school course

all about the stock market.

He found a stock he really liked,

and he asked me to invest in it, and I said, "no."

I hate nostalgia.

So Alex called up pretending to be my dad

and invested in the account.

At first, the stock was doing great.

Then Alex went over to the brokerage house

to see how much money he was making.

Alex: mom and dad were on their way down

and I was gonna surprise them with all the money I'd made

by investing everything in V.I.P. Industries.

Oh, hi, Alex. I'll be with you in just a second.

I'm having some trouble with the computer here.

Keeps jamming. Circuits must be down.

I don't know.

Oh, have you tried this?

See, sometimes you have to clear it during this phase,

or it's a real pain.

I knew that.

Oh, look at that - Trans Alloid up a point.

and Petramco up 2 1/2! That's terrific!

Yeah. That's terrific.

Well, you're as hot as a pistol, Alex.

You got the Midas touch, buddy boy.

Well, I'm glad I talked my dad into investing.

Oh, and that setback with V.I.P.,

while regrettable, is certainly understandable.

Excuse me.

What setback with V.I.P.?

Uh, Mr. Matthews,

w-what was that you just said about V.I.P.?

Well, there was a typhoon in Manila last night.

Millions in damage. The stock dropped 28 points.

Excuse me, Alex.

Uh, are you sure?

About what?

About the typhoon! The stocks! Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. I'm surprised you didn't know about it.

What am I, a weatherman?!

I've been in school all day! I'm a kid!

That's right. I forget sometimes.

Alex, take it easy. So it's dropped 28 points.

He bought it at 29.

Look, all he has to do is meet the margin call

by closing tomorrow.

How much... How much... How much is the margin call?

$2,700. That's no big deal.

Mr. Matthews: Uh, excuse me, Alex.

I've got some customers to take care of.

Hi.

Elyse: Aah!

That's not good For business, Alex.

Look, Mr. Matthews,

those, uh, people out there are my parents.

M-my dad doesn't know about the typhoon

or the margin call.

Look, Alex, the way your dad plays the market,

he understands that a $2,700 margin call

isn't the end of the world.

Yeah, well, uh,

let me just tell them in my own way, okay?

You don't understand - he takes these things very hard!

When he was a boy...

a typhoon wiped out his village.

Okay, Alex.

If he's gonna take the news anywhere close

To the way you're taking it, maybe you're right.

You found it.

Great.

Come on in.

Alex, what's going on here?

Uh, here?

Here, this is a brokerage house.

They buy. They sell.

Alex, you just slammed the door on us.

Yeah, well, I didn't want you to come in

until everything was just right.

Clean up that desk, will you?

W-why did you want us to come down here?

What was all this talk

about an anniversary present?

Yeah, well, I just thought this would be the best place

to give it to you.

Happy anniversary, mom, dad.

I love you.

And if that weren't bad enough...

Saved by the yell.

Thanks, pal! I owe you one!

I'll get him.

Oh, thanks, Jen.

Well, I guess that ends that little storytelling session.

Maybe we can trade some more lies, slanders,

and half-truths next week.

It wasn't so much the money that upset me, Alex.

It was that you had acted so irresponsibly.

That I couldn't trust you in that type of situation.

Look, dad, I'm older now.

I'm much more responsible.

Alex, you're an intelligent, ambitious,

well-dressed young man.

But when it comes to making difficult,

business-related decisions, you're not infallible.

Remember the housekeeper incident?

There are two sides to every story.

What housekeeper?

Well, I was pregnant at the time,

and we needed someone to help us clean house.

I was knocked out from interviewing

different housekeepers for the job,

so I told Alex to screen the rest of the applicants

and let me know if anyone good came by.

Two sides.

Hello. I'm Karen Nicholson.

I've come to apply for the housekeeping position.

You have?

Yes.

Uh, come in, come in.

Uh, here.

Oh.

Thank you.

Won't you please sit down?

Okay.

I, uh, have a few questions here I must ask you.

Uh...

Uh, do you have any references?

No.

Uh, do you, uh, have any experience a-as a housekeeper?

No.

Okay. Uh, can you cook?

Uh, cook?

No.

So, you, uh, you have no experience,

no references, a-and you can't cook.

That's right.

You're hired.

Boy, you really run a tough interview, Alex.

Hey, hey, Karen was all right.

She was starting to come along, too.

We just didn't give her enough time.

Alex, if we'd given her any more time,

this house wouldn't be standing.

Hey, hey, can I fix you a cold drink?

Uh, the ice maker's not working, Alex.

Karen broke it a week ago. No, no, no, no.

She told me that she took care of it today.

I'll get it myself, Alex. Thanks.

So, uh, how was your day at school, Alex?

Real good. Real good, dad.

No, no, I-i mean specifically

that English class.

You, uh, you said you were having a little trouble with it.

Doing great, dad. I'm doing great.

Here, uh, hang on a sec.

Take a look at that.

So, uh... So how are the rest of your classes?

Good, dad. Good.

I am, uh, really glad I chose Leland.

You know, and the economics department

is everything I hoped it would be.

Who are we kidding, Alex?

She's not working out.

She's totally incompetent.

She has got to go.

Dad, will you quit being such a perfectionist?

Alex, Alex!

Alex, look around you.

I'm afraid to, dad.

Alex, this woman cannot do one thing we need her to do.

Okay, well, dad, let's keep thinking

until we think of something that she can do.

Wh... We have to fire her, Alex,

for our own safety.

Look...

Look...

If this had been a pop tart...

...we'd be dead now.

I miss Karen.

She may not have been a good housekeeper,

but she sure was fun to have around.

Look, I took control of a situation,

and it didn't work out.

It's happened once in my life.

Oh, yeah, Alex?

What about the quiz-off?

Okay, maybe twice.

What was this quiz-off?

Well, a couple years ago,

Alex was the leader of the Harding High quiz-off team.

There was gonna be a big match

held live at my dad's PBS Station.

Alex needed to fill one more spot on the team,

and he picked me.

Mistake of my life.

Well, he made my life miserable trying to teach me everything

in a couple of days.

Let's turn to the next question.

Alex, we've been doing this for hours.

I'm getting tired!

She needs her rest.

Jennifer, I don't think you fully appreciate

what an enormous task I've undertaken here.

I'm taking a simple peasant girl

whose greatest prior achievement was coordinating

her eye shadow with her sweater,

and I'm turning her Into someone...

Someone who could have a conversation with me.

You're gonna have to give her

more incentive than that, Alex.

Alex, let's just get this over with.

You're getting a little too pompous even for you.

Okay.

Now, we went over this one yesterday.

It's a geography question.

At the southern tip of Chile lies a body of water

named for a famous explorer.

Name this body of water.

Uh, a body of water, right?

Named for the famous explorer.

Come on, now.

Southern tip of Chile?

The Hudson River.

Aw!

That's not right?

No, it's the Straits of Magellan!

Oh! You guys are still at it? It's so late.

I'm glad you're here.

We need your help with another dry run.

We've had five dry runs in the last two days, Alex.

Just one more. We're at a turning point here.

Mallory actually named all the cabinet members.

That was me, Alex.

Alex, I'm tired.

Just a couple more questions.

Now...

What do the letters

in the acronym "scuba" stand for?

Well, it's kind of like skin-diving, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Now, what do the letters stand for?

We've gone over this before.

Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.

What did you say?

Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.

Again?

Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus!

By George, she's got it!

All: Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus!

And who invented it?

Magellan!

Mallory: Everything was going okay.

We got to the studio.

We were all prepared.

Then the questions started.

There's a body of water at the tip of southern Chile

that's named for the first man

to circumnavigate the globe.

What is this body of water?

Alex Keaton, Harding High.

- The body... - To the camera.

Right. To the camera.

The body of water...

Five seconds, Harding.

The straits of Ma-a-a...

Ma-a-a...

Uh, Ma-a-a...

Uh, anyone else on the Harding team?

Mallory Keaton.

Straits of Massachusetts.

No, no, I'm sorry.

The correct answer was the straits of Magellan.

Straits of Massachusetts is incorrect.

Wait a minute, what's... The judges say "close enough."

Wait, wait, wait. I, uh, sorry, wait a minute, that's...

That's the wrong answer.

But... But as I said before,

the decision of the judges is final.

Uh, Harding will get credit for that answer.

The score is tied 5-all.

Thanks to me, we almost won.

I think it's cute you had stage fright, Alex.

No, I don't accept that, Ellen.

I still think one of the teachers

from the opposing team drugged me.

Alex, the other team's teachers were all nuns.

That's what they wanted you to think, dad.

You know, I am not the only member of this family

who's made the occasional blunder.

Occasional? Ha.

Mallory, you made your share.

Like what?

Princeton.

Wait till you hear this, Ellen.

I went down to Princeton for an interview,

and Mallory wanted to come with me,

'cause her boyfriend - he was a freshman there,

and she wanted to surprise him.

Yeah, well, it worked.

When she walked into his room, he was kissing another girl.

And while this was going on, I was down at the dean's office,

ready to knock his socks off in my interview.

Anyway, he asked me to wait in another room,

and then when I stepped inside...

Whoa.

Yes, Dean Memminger, I, uh...

I certainly do want to attend Princeton.

I have always had a certain, oh, shall we say, lust...

No, not lust.

An admiration for the Ivy League.

A-a-Alex.

M-m-Mallory, What are you doing here?

Um, um, I saw Jeff, And...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about Jeff?

Um, I saw Jeff

And-and-and the desk, uh, uh, kissing.

Jeff was kissing the desk?

No, he was leaning against the desk.

He was, um... He was... He was kissing, um...

A girl.

Oh, boy.

I want to go home.

Let's go home, okay, Alex?

Mallory...

Are you crazy? I got my interview now!

Mallory, I've got to talk to you.

Go away, Jeff. I don't want to see you.

Let me explain!

Mallory, let him explain.

Jeff, why don't you take her out for dinner?

Here's a couple of bucks.

Mallory, I had every intention of telling you about Sandy.

"Sandy"! Did you hear that, Alex?

Her name's Sandy.

Great. Here's some more money. Take Sandy with you.

I'm sorry you had to find out like this.

But don't forget, we did agree to see other people.

Say, that's right. Well, I guess this is settled, huh?

Just go away, okay, Jeff?

'Cause I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Mallory!

Jeff. Alex!

Has there been a coup?

Well... Hello, Dean Memminger.

I was just, uh...

Wishing Alex good luck.

I think you'll really like him.

He's a swell kid.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Congratulations.

Welcome to Princeton.

We'll talk later, Mallory?

Well, so long.

And who is this?

Hi.

Uh, she was just leaving.

Um, I want to go home right now, okay, Alex?

Mallory, please be reasonable, okay?

Just wait outside. I'll be done here in a few minutes.

Okay. I'll wait out here.

Good. And, uh, try and keep your mind off Jeff.

Okay, I'm ready.

Are you sure?

Yes, sir.

This interview has not got off to a good start, Mr. Keaton.

If there's any further interruptions,

I may have to hold it against you.

Yes, sir, I-I'd do the same thing if I were in your shoes.

By the way, did I tell you how much I like your shoes?

Sit down, Mr. Keaton, please.

Yes, sir.

I must say I'm very impressed with your application,

very impressed indeed.

I can always spot sincerity and commitment

in an application.

Well, thank you, sir.

I tried to throw a lot of both in there.

Uh, Dean Memminger, as you could probably tell,

I regard Princeton as perhaps the finest...

Ed...

E-educational in...

Um, e-ever since I-I was a young lad of about,

oh, I don't know, 6 or 8 months of age...

Excuse me.

Hello?

It's for you.

Thank you.

Hello.

M-Mallory, Would you please...

Look...

Look, I know you want to go home right now, but I can't.

No, m-m-Mallory, Mallory, don't leave without me.

No, no. Don't leave the building.

I repeat - do not leave the building!

Do you think she'll call again?

No, no. That's it.

Fine, then we can get on with this interview.

Please.

All right, Mr. Keaton,

could you tell me what unique qualities you possess

which might enrich the Princeton community?

Well, sir, I'm glad you asked that.

How much time have you got?

Well, sir, at the... at the risk of sounding immodest,

you see before you a young man without a flaw.

Unless, of course, you find me immodest,

in which case, I have one flaw.

I see that you're very involved

in extracurricular activities.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir. You see correctly.

As a matter of fact, if I may speak

"extracurrecurily" for a moment...

If you can, please do.

Well, sir, I, uh...

She's leaving.

What?

Just a second.

Mallory, come back here, will you?!

What is going on here?

Uh, Dean Memminger, is there any possibility

of rescheduling this interview?

Maybe later today or tomorrow.

There'll be no rescheduling of this interview.

Well, I'm, uh... I'm sorry to hear that, sir,

because I really have to go.

What?

Look, that's my sister out there.

She came up to Princeton with me to surprise her boyfriend,

and she saw him with another girl.

She's very upset,

and I should probably go talk to her

because I am her brother.

So...I got to go.

Sir, I hope my record can stand on its own,

because I really do want to attend Princeton.

I love this place.

I love everything about it.

I have ivy growing on my bedroom walls.

Go, Tigers! Beat Yale!

I mean that.