Original subtitles

3:00 in the morning.

I can't believe this is happening again.

Why can't I sleep?

It's dark.

I'm tired. I'm in bed.

I've slept successfully in the past.

Maybe these pajamas are defective.

This is ridiculous.

I've slept a total of a minute and a half

in the last six nights.

I got midterms coming up. I got papers to write.

Got a million things to do.

If I don't get to sleep soon, I'm gonna be...

Awake.

All right, okay, don't panic.

I can still get four hours,

if I fall asleep right now.

Go.

Okay.

So far, so good.

I'm falling asleep.

Here I go.

I'm on my way.

Drifting...

Drifting...

I'm gone...

Now.

I'm back.

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Okay, if you'll just hand me that screwdriver, Jen,

we'll have the smoke alarm up in no time.

Oh, no, no, not the Phillips. I want the flathead.

Trust me, dad, you want the Phillips.

You're right.

Okay, it's all set to go.

Why don't we test it out?

Well, here's some matches. Ah.

Nice work, dad.

Whoa, burglar alarm.

Those are tough to install.

I'm impressed.

It's not a burglar alarm. It's a smoke alarm.

Oh, nice work, dad.

Maybe it needs a minor adjustment.

Right back.

Oh, excuse me, mom.

You're home late, aren't you?

Yeah, I was, uh, at the library...

Studying.

You know, I got a B-minus on my anthropology test?

Don't feel so bad, Alex.

I got a B-minus on a test last week.

Oh, okay, I feel better now.

You look awfully tired, honey. Why don't you go on up to bed?

What are you implying, mom?

That I'm afraid to go to bed?

That I'm afraid that I won't be able to sleep?

That I'll stare at the walls all night...

Awake...

Desperate, and alone?

Is that what you're implying?

No.

Does anybody else think that?

Because if you do, why don't you just come out and say it

and stop snickering behind my back?

What's he talking about?

You know, you all look tired.

Why don't you all go to sleep?

See how that feels? How do you like it?

Well, actually, going to sleep isn't a bad idea.

I'm exhausted. Good night, mom.

Yeah, me too. Good night, mom.

Showoffs.

Okay, all fixed.

Should be working like a charm now.

Oh, boy, I'm bushed.

I can't wait to get to bed. I'll probably be asleep

before my head hits the pillow.

Sure...

Rub my nose in it.

Are you ready, Elyse?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. You guys are goin' to bed?

Now? Together?

I'm sorry if that shocks you, Alex.

Are you all right, Alex?

Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm fine. Really.

Uh, go to sleep.

Are you sure? Yeah, I'm positive.

Good night. I, uh, love you.

Good night, Alex.

Well, here I am again.

Alone for another sleepless night.

Hey, I don't care.

I enjoy having these hours to myself.

Yeah, I kind of love being alone.

Skippy.

Sorry to bother you so late, Alex.

I just want to borrow a dictionary.

Aw, hey. Uh, well, uh...

Skip, gee, the dictionary's upstairs,

But maybe I can help you out.

I know a lot of words.

Well, today in biology class,

Lauren Harris told me I reminded her of a Mandrill.

What is that?

Uh, well, Skip, uh,

a Mandrill is a large,

fierce, uh,

foul-smelling baboon...

...of West Africa.

Hmm.

Do you think I should ask her out?

Go for it, you big ape.

Alex, thank you very much. Uh, listen, Skippy,

Um, why don't you sit down for a minute, okay?

I want to ask you something.

Uh...

How do you sleep at night?

Well,

after my mom straps me in,

I usually just drift right off.

I wish I had a ritual like that.

You know, I haven't slept in eight nights?

Well, congratulations. How many are you going for?

No, Skip, I want to sleep. I just can't.

I don't know, I completely psych myself out.

I-i just lie in bed, petrified,

feeling completely alone.

Would you like me to sleep with you tonight, Alex?

What was that, Skip?

Maybe it'll help to relax you

to have somebody else there in the room.

I'll sleep on the floor.

I'm not sleeping.

I'm exhausted, I'm in bed,

and I'm not sleeping.

And I have Skippy in my room.

This is worse than last night.

All right. Okay.

Just don't get upset.

Stay calm.

Relax.

Try counting...money.

$100 million.

$200 million.

$300 million,

Tax exempt.

I'm gettin' too excited here.

All right, all right, okay.

Maybe I should just walk around a little.

Man: This is WADW.

I'm Sonny Henderson,

and you're listening to "The Night Owl Show."

It's 3:24,

And now here's Buddy Budson doing "Alone and Blue."

Hey, don't I know it, buddy.

Shut up.

What's going on?

Nothing.

What's the matter? Couldn't sleep?

I heard the smoke alarm.

Well, that was... That was the radio.

They were playing "Smoke Gets in Your...

Smoke Alarm."

I don't know, dad. I mean, that thing just went off.

I was getting some food out of the refrigerator,

and it went off.

It must be the smoked salmon.

What's all the noise down here? I heard the smoke alarm.

If there's not a fire, I'm gonna be really mad.

Look, I-I set it off by mistake. I'm sorry.

Hey.

Skippy, what are you doing here?

Trying to help Alex sleep.

Skip.

Did you know he hasn't slept in over eight nights?

Skippy...

Alex, is this true? You're having trouble sleeping?

No, no, it's just a rumor.

Alex, why didn't you tell us

you were having this problem?

Because it is not a problem.

How come you're having trouble sleeping?

What is this, a not-sleeping witch-hunt?

Why don't you just tie me up to a stake and burn me?

Well, as long as we're up.

All right, okay, look, I'm sorry I woke you all, okay?

And if you don't mind, I'm tired and I'm going back to sleep.

So, Mallory,

you been having any trouble sleeping?

This is ridiculous. We're all exhausted because of Alex.

Yeah, we finally get the baby to sleep through the night

and now Alex won't.

Come on, we have to be patient.

Alex has a problem.

I was patient at first,

but Alex has kept us awake for a week.

It's like being in a family of owls.

Hi. Hey, Alex.

Hi.

Good morning.

Whose turn is it?

Mine.

Uh, Alex, how did you sleep last night?

Oh, fine.

Oh, yeah? Then why did you ask me

to go skiing with you at 2:00 in the morning?

I have no memory of that.

Alex, sit down for a second.

Sure, mom.

What's up?

You are.

Every night.

Alex, you're not sleeping.

It's got to be bothering you.

I know it's bothering us.

What do you mean?

Well, for example, what happened last night.

Oh, look, I'm sorry about that, okay?

I-i tried to do it as quietly as I could.

Alex, you crawled into bed with us.

Did that bother you?

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I've got a little problem,

but it's under control.

I can handle it.

You know, Alex,

I had a friend who had trouble sleeping

and she went to a therapy group for people with sleep disorders.

Mallory,

I'm sure your friends have a lot of disorders,

but I'd prefer not to be lumped together

with that group of misfits.

Alex, you have to get some kind of help.

Or a hotel room.

Hi, Alex.

We just wanted to wish you good luck

on getting to sleep tonight.

Thanks. I'll be fine.

I hope so, Alex,

'cause you're really starting to fall apart.

Mallory, let's be kind to Alex.

I read somewhere if you don't get enough sleep,

your brain cells start to die.

Jennifer.

One by one.

Will you knock it off?

Sorry, Alex. Look, good luck falling asleep tonight, really.

And that's another thing.

Just don't ... Don't wish me good luck

falling asleep, okay?

It only gets me worried about it.

Just don't even mention sleep.

Hey, kids. Good luck falling asleep, honey.

Mom.

He doesn't want anyone to mention sleep.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, I brought you some warm milk,

for no particular reason.

Thanks, mom.

You know, I always thought that was just an old wives' tale.

Well, your mother is an old wife.

Seriously though, uh,

milk contains tryptophan,

a chemical that, uh, promotes sleep.

And - come on - just to ensure a good night's sleep,

we picked up

this little item.

What do you think?

It's no use, dad. I know it's you.

This is Sylvester. He used to be my favorite doll.

We've grown apart.

He's been looking for a companion lately.

Oh, thanks, Jen.

Alex, here's my geometry book.

Just read it and you'll fall fast asleep.

Thanks, you guys.

Good night. Good luck, Alex.

May sleep be with you.

I'm not sleeping yet.

Together: oh, sorry.

What are you staring at?

All right.

Okay. No more fooling around here.

This time I'm going to sleep.

This time I mean business.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's beautiful.

Boy, nothing like sleep.

It's the greatest.

How would I know?

I can't take it anymore.

I got to get out of here.

This is unbelievable.

I've forgotten how to sleep.

What's next?

Am I gonna forget how to breathe?

How to eat? How to walk?

How to calculate simple interest?

What has become of me?!

Hi.

Everything's... Everything's fine.

The sleeping is goin' a-okay.

Just takin' a little break.

Come on, mom.

Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?

Alex, I hate seeing you like this.

Remember how much I used to love

goin' to sleep when I was a kid?

Sure.

I used to read you "The Three Little Pigs."

Before I got to page 5, you were out.

Yeah, well, those days are gone.

Everything's more complicated now.

You know, I get into this bed at night

and a million different things rush through my mind.

I mean, I worry about me and Ellen,

And I worry about, uh, my classes,

and my tests, my future.

About my past,

about my present,

and I worry about my future again.

Then I worry about Ellen again,

and then I worry about Ellen's future.

Hey, everything just gets so crazy.

Guess I'm crazy, huh?

No. No, You're not crazy, honey.

You're just not a little boy anymore, you know?

You're an adult.

There are a lot of things going on in your life,

and that's bound to create some anxiety.

Yeah, but what if that anxiety

keeps me up for the rest of my life?

I mean,

what if I never get to sleep?

Stop worrying about sleeping.

Now, when your body needs it, it'll go to sleep.

In the meantime, just enjoy the night, you know?

Read a good book, look at the stars,

talk to your picture of Nixon.

He doesn't look like he slept much either.

I'll try that.

I guess what I'm trying to say, honey, is...

Just try and relax, you know?

Use the time.

That's what I try to do.

Wait a minute, you've had insomnia?

From time to time.

Really?

I always figured you were the "out like a light" type.

No.

That's your dad.

In fact, I remember one night,

he fell asleep before he even got to bed.

I found him.

He was asleep in the sink

with a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth.

I guess what I'm trying to say, honey,

is that an occasional sleepless night

goes with the territory of being Alex Keaton.

Despite the worries and the anxieties,

I think you enjoy being Alex Keaton.

Thanks, mom.

Love you.

Good night, babe.

Wait.

Uh, just wondering if you'd mind, uh,

telling me the "Three Little Pigs" story.

Just... Just for old times' sake.

Pick it up midway through the action.

Okay.

Uh, well...

See, these pigs built three different kinds of houses.

Um, one house was made out of...

Straw. Straw.

And the other house was made out of...

Wood.

Wood.

And the third house was made out of...

Aluminum siding.

That's good enough.

And then the wolf came along

and he wanted to blow down the pigs' houses.

So he said, "I'll huff

"and I'll puff

and I'll blow your house down."

Well, the pigs got very scared.

So the first pig said to the other two pigs...

No, no, wait a minute.

Actually it was the second pig

Said to the first and third pig...

Oh, which pig was it? They look so much alike.

Do you remember which one?

Alex?

Well, I was up anyway.