Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Steven, I can't believe you're still working on our budget.

Elyse, I'm telling you, we have to take

some drastic action around here.

There's been a lot of freewheeling,

extravagant spending by every member of this family,

and it's got to stop.

Well, honey, I've talked to the kids about it.

I mean, I know everybody's making an effort.

Did we really need this?

I'm sorry, Steven.

I saw it in the window. I just had to have it.

What is this?

I found it in the shower.

That's generic-brand shampoo.

What happened to my regular shampoo?

We won't be using that kind anymore.

We're trying to cut back and eliminate

these kinds of needless expenses.

No. No, no.

Dad, you don't understand.

My hair is used to herbal shampoo.

There's no turning back now.

Hey, listen, you mind if I use the kitchen now?

I got someone coming over to, uh, study with me.

Oh. Uh, sure.

Here, let me move some of this stuff out of your way.

Whoa, that's a nice adding machine, dad.

We ought to rush that down to the business museum.

Who's coming over?

Oh, it's, uh, just...

Just someone to, uh, study with me.

Who?

He's a...

...ahem - tutor.

A - ahem - tutor?

Why do you need a - ahem - tutor?

It's a tutor, all right? He's a tutor.

And the reason that I need him

is because my average in advanced non-Euclidean geometry

has slipped to an 89.

I got to get that back up to a 90.

Well, I-i'm surprised, Alex.

I mean, you've never needed a - ahem - tutor before.

Yeah, well, I've never had this kind of math before.

It's abstract. It's inexact.

It's philosophical.

It's everything I hate.

Did you find a good tutor?

I don't know. I haven't met him yet.

But professor Jenkins recommended him.

His name is Eugene Forbes,

and he's the top mathematics scholar at Leland.

Well, there's plenty to snack on.

There's some milk in the fridge, and I got some new cookies.

Ah.

These look like pretty fancy cookies, Elyse.

Steven...

Don't let him eat too many.

Mom, Eugene Forbes

is a graduate student in mathematics.

He's a genius.

You don't give cookies to a genius.

Hello. I'm Eugene Forbes.

And if you're Alex Keaton, I believe I'm your tutor.

Can I... Can I ask you one question?

I'm 13 1/2.

Cookie?

Okay, so, then, angle DCA must therefore be congruent

to angle THETA.

How's that?

I'm afraid not.

Alex, you're still clinging to Euclidean geometry.

I-i know. I-i cling. I do that.

Higher geometry is a different animal.

You have to be willing to embrace the abstract.

Let go of rational thought.

I don't want to let go of rational thought.

I-i happen to like rational thought.

My sister Mallory let go of rational thought.

And she never got it back.

Alex, pull yourself together.

Now... Erase your boo-boo.

I know how to erase, Eugene.

I was a National Merit Scholar.

I definitely sense some hostility emanating from you.

Perhaps you'd be happier with someone older...

Someone not as smart.

Wait a minute, Eugene. Wait, wait. Stay.

I'm sorry, okay? I-i need you.

Professor Jenkins told me you're the only one

who can help me understand this stuff.

Well, don't think it's easy for me, either, Alex.

I've had to deal with the pressure of being a genius

my whole life.

Me too.

I was doing long division in nursery school.

Same here.

And I should have my doctorate

by the time I'm 17.

I could have done that...

If I hadn't gone to camp that summer.

I never went to camp,

except for math camp.

So, what do you do when you're not in school?

I give lectures, run symposiums, you know.

Well, that doesn't leave time for much else.

I mean, what about, uh, Little League?

Model airplanes? Girls?

I don't get to meet many girls my age in college.

The truth is - is I don't get to meet any.

I'm lonely, Alex.

In fact, for all of my astounding intelligence

and academic achievement,

I'd trade it all right this minute for a date...

Just one date.

Yeah, I guess... guess it must be difficult for you.

You know, a companion.

A confidante. A friend.

I know what you mean.

A chick in hot pants.

Eugene...

Please.

Sorry, Alex, a momentary lapse.

Well, enough of that.

Let's get back to work. Right.

Hey. Hi.

Oh, yeah, uh, Jennifer, this is Eugene.

Eugene, Jennifer.

Enchanted, my dear.

Yeah...right.

Jennifer, may I be brutally frank?

Sure.

You've just touched my soul.

Yuck!

Oh, I have two absolutely superlative seats

to "Madame Butterfly" on Sunday.

It's my favorite opera.

Would you be so gracious as to accompany me?

Is he putting me on?

Afraid not.

No, thanks. Okay?

Eugene...

Eugene, do you mind? I'm paying you by the hour.

What is time?

I just met the mother of my children.

You and Eugene finished studying already?

We're not studying, dad.

We haven't studied for a week.

What's the problem?

Eugene - he's lost.

He... he's convinced that he's in love with Jennifer,

and I can't get him to concentrate on anything else.

You know, if this keeps up, there goes the point.

The point?

The point. The point I need for my "A."

I mean, it's going right out the window

because Mr. Geometry in here

has turned into a Jennifer-crazed lunatic.

Well, at least he's found a compassionate friend

in you, Alex.

Oh, wait a minute.

87 cents for safety pins.

What's next, a Learjet?

Elyse!

Eugene, look, please,

let's go back in there and study, okay?

The hour's almost up. We haven't accomplished anything.

I can't help it, Alex. I'm not myself.

I'm obsessed with her.

Yeah, well, you got to snap out of it.

Aw...

Oh, uh, Jennifer, I got you something.

What is it?

An x-ray. Of my brain.

Hey, that's a nice one.

It's my good side.

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

I want you to have it.

No, thanks.

Uh, Jennifer...

Will you reconsider going out with me?

Eugene, it's nothing personal, but, no.

Very well.

Sorry, Alex. I can't go on.

I won't charge you for this session.

Well, I hope you're happy.

He's a broken man.

Alex, it's not my fault.

Well, can't you at least humor him? One date?

No, Alex.

Come on.

Look, he, uh, he gave you this nice X-ray and everything.

You know, for all you know, you could end up liking Eugene.

He's a very nice guy once you see what's inside.

I already know what's inside!

Look, until you go out with him, he's not gonna be able

to think of anything else, including my "A."

You know, I could actually get a "B" in math?

Could you honestly live with that on your conscience?

I'm willing to try.

All right. All right. Okay, Jennifer.

All right.

I've tried to appeal to your sense of compassion.

I have no other option.

$10. $20.

$12. $17.

$14.50. $15.75.

$15.25. $15.50.

Done.

Jennifer, I remember when I could buy you for 10 bucks.

Hi, Ellen. Hi.

Boy, you look great in that outfit.

Thanks.

You wouldn't say where we were going or what we were doing.

You just said, "wear something." So I did.

All right, all right. I'll give you the rundown.

Uh, we're, uh, double-dating with Jennifer

and this graduate student named Eugene,

who's 13 years old and my math tutor,

and he's in love with Jennifer, but she hates him,

so I bribed her to do this so I could get my "A."

Okay. I'm ready.

Oh, hi, Ellen. Ellen: Hi.

Alex, uh, something very strange is going on,

and we're kind of wondering about it.

Oh? What's that, mom?

Well, it's this date that Jennifer's going on with Eugene.

She never liked him before.

Do you have any idea what's, uh, turned her around?

Gee, no idea. Sorry. Wish I could have helped.

Oh, uh, we were sure you would know,

since her going out on this date

probably helps you out quite a bit.

Don't know, mom.

Maybe Ellen knows. You know, hon?

No. How would I know?

Darn. Who knows?

Maybe she's attracted to him.

No.

Maybe she thinks she can learn from him.

I don't think so. No.

Darn. I wish I knew.

- You sure you don't know, Ellen? - No.

All right. I bribed her, okay?

Good evening. Hey, Eugene.

Uh, Eugene, this is Ellen Reed.

Ellen, Eugene.

Hello. And you know my mom and dad. Hi.

Nice to see you again. Hi, Eugene.

Well, what do you think?

Jennifer, you look beautiful.

Honey, you really do.

You're a vision.

Jennifer, a deal is a deal.

Well, we'd better get going.

Well, where are you off to?

Well, there's going to be a little shindig

down at the faculty club.

Some of the teaching assistants are throwing a party

for professor Jenkins.

It's the 20th anniversary of his tenure.

Ooh, Jen, that sounds great.

This is incredible.

All of the massive intellects of the Leland faculty

are gathered together in the same room.

The combined brainpower in this room is staggering.

Maybe we should get some X-rays of these guys.

Jennifer, will you behave yourself?

This date has to go well.

Need I remind you that that check is post-dated?

Well, uh, shall we mingle?

Yeah, yeah. Listen, uh, mingle me over to professor Jenkins.

Well, Eugene. I am so glad you could make it.

Thank you, Walter. And I'd like to present to you

Jennifer Keaton, the woman in my life.

Oh. Enchanted, my dear.

And I believe you know her brother, Alex.

Yes, yes, yes. We've met many times.

Nice to see you again.

Who'd you say he was?

Alex Keaton.

Uh, yeah, I, uh... I sit in the front row

of your advanced geometry class.

Oh, yes.

The point.

If you'll excuse us, Walter,

I'd like to show off my better half.

Go to it, my boy. Go to it.

So, I... Excuse me.

Eugene, I am not your better half

and I am not the woman in your life.

So please introduce me in a normal way.

Well, certainly.

Oh, Ronald, Eunice.

This is, uh, Jennifer,

the old ball and chain.

So, uh, Eugene, have you read Testrik's paper

on the meaning of man's existence in the universe?

Ah, yes, that's heady stuff.

Don't you agree, dumpling?

Oh, I don't know, muffin head.

The last book I read was "Nancy Drew, Mountain Nurse."

"Mountain Nurse."

Isn't she priceless?

Such a fresh sense of humor.

Jennifer, you're acting like a child.

Eugene, I am a child.

Well, you're embarrassing me in front of my peers.

Eugene, listen, I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can.

This is my first tenure party.

So, mister Keaton...

How are you and Eugene getting along?

Uh, well I...

I'd say we're as close as two sides

of an isosceles triangle.

He just meant that, you know,

the triangle with the two equal...

That he and Eugene were...

What did you mean, Alex?

I-i just meant we're, uh...

We're getting along fine.

Well, good. I-i hope it works out.

Well, thank you very much, Walter.

Professor Walter.

Professor Jenkins.

Sir.

Your, uh... Your Geometric Highness.

Ah, ha-ha. Jennifer, Eugene.

Are you enjoying yourselves?

Oh, it's fabulous, Walter.

A splendid affair. Ah.

Yeah, I think it's really neat.

Oh.

What she means is it's fabulous, Walter.

A splendid affair.

No, I don't mean that.

Uh, why do you keep correcting everything I say?

Because...

You're embarrassing me with this infantile behavior.

Eugene, listen, I'm just trying to make conversation.

That's a poor excuse for conversation.

"It's neat." I haven't heard that

since I was teaching high school.

Eugene, take it easy. No, I won't take it easy.

This evening is very important to me,

And she's acting so immature - it just makes me mad!

I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

- Eugene, listen... - No, no, no, no, no.

I-i don't want to hear it. Eugene...

I can't hear you! I can't hear you!

Who-o-o-a!

Eugene, wait...

Eugene! Eugene!

Eugene, wait. Eugene, Eugene. Come back.

These three graphs show the relationship

between what this family is earning

and what it's spending.

These are lovely, Steven. You have a way with graphs.

Well, thank you, dear. You have a way with words.

Dad, can we get on with this, please?

The stores close at 9:00,

and I'd like to do some shopping.

Mallory, your dad has put a lot of time and effort

into these graphs.

The least we can do is hear him out.

Get on with it, Steven.

What's there to get on with?

These graphs speak for themselves.

Look at them.

But wait a minute. I think there's a problem here.

What's that?

Well, according to the line graph,

we're $200 behind each month.

Mm-hmm.

But according to the pie graph,

we break even each month.

Uh, that's true.

According to the bar graph,

we are $300 ahead each month.

What's your point, Elyse?

Which one's right?

Well, wait a minute, mom. Um...

I think in this situation, there is no right or wrong.

I think it's up to each individual

to decide what is right.

And personally, I-i think we're ahead.

So, uh, I'm gonna go shopping.

Don't worry, honey.

If we go broke, we go broke.

The important thing is,

hey, this has kept you busy for three weeks.

Forget it, Jennifer. I'm not paying. No way.

Why not, Alex? I did my part.

What happened wasn't my fault.

The, uh, date didn't go well?

Eugene had a temper tantrum.

Oh, dad, it was a nightmare.

Sorry you missed it.

Good evening.

Eugene, uh, please come in.

Sit down and make yourself comfortable.

I'm afraid I can't do that. I'm terribly upset.

Nothing went right tonight.

I, uh... I saw that X-ray you gave to Jennifer.

Very becoming.

Yes.

Do you have any wallet-sized?

I don't mean to be rude, but is... is Jennifer here?

- I need to speak With her. - Uh, of course. We'll get her.

Steven, um...

Hey, Eugene. You all right?

No, I'm not all right.

I'm embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed.

But that's it, right?

I mean, it's nothing serious.

I-i-i just hate to think that what happened tonight

may have affected your brain in any way.

It hasn't.

Maybe we can get another X-ray.

I'm okay, Alex.

So you'll still be able to tutor me to help me get my "A."

Alex, forget about your "A"!

Eugene is obviously upset.

He needs a friend right now.

All right. You're right. You're right.

I-i shouldn't be thinking about my grades.

Eugene, everything's gonna be all right.

You're a swell kid.

Now, quick, in hyperbolic space,

the upper base angles of any quadrilateral are...?

Acute. That's my boy!

He's still got it.

All right, now, don't sweat this Jennifer thing, okay?

She's too young for you, anyway.

Uh, see you tomorrow, same time?

You are quite a humanitarian, Alex.

What?!

He is a young boy.

He's confused. He's upset.

He looks up to you.

Is that the best you can do for him?

All right.

Eugene...

I, uh... I-i-i just want you to know

That, uh...

What?

You care about his feelings.

...that I care about your feelings.

I mean that.

So, uh, you...

You just...

You just get some sleep.

I'm drained. I can't...

I'm sorry.

I made a complete fool out of myself.

That's the first time I've seen that side of you.

I liked it.

You liked it?

Well, that's the first time I've seen you

act like a kid for once.

Eugene...

You may be smart,

but you're not a grownup.

You know, underneath that brain, you're really a nice boy.

Thank you for looking.

And... and I think that you are an extremely stunning

and vivacious...

I think you're really neat, too.

Do you want to get a soda?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah!

That'll be fun.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

Jennifer and I are gonna go get a soda.

Well, I-i think that's great.

I mean, I'm glad you two hit it off.

You go out. You have a wonderful time.

Eugene, quick - Gottlieb's theorem.