Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Alex. Glad you could make it down

for the final 30 seconds of dinner.

Oh, sorry, mom. I was in the middle of studying.

You know, if I was to break concentration at that point,

it would've been a fatal error.

This week, every minute, every second is precious.

Don't be so melodramatic, Alex.

What's the big deal about studying for midterms?

Why don't you try it sometime and find out, Mallory?

Alex, Mallory's been making great strides

this year in her schoolwork.

Didn't you say you thought you'd get a 'B' in biology this term?

I did say that.

I did think that.

I was wrong.

Anyway, it's not the same, dad. See, I'm a senior.

These are the last grades I'll get

that will count towards college.

Oh, and on top of that,

the State Scholarship exam is on Saturday.

I'm probably gonna emerge from this week a babbling idiot.

You're a week ahead of schedule.

Oh, Steven, your special's about to start.

Mm. Come on, kids, you'll love it.

It's called "The Wolverine. A vanishing breed."

You know what a Wolverine is, don't you, Jen?

Sure. It's half-wolf and half-nectarine.

Better watch the show.

Uh, Mallory.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Why? What do you want?

It's just a small thing.

Well, the size surprises me.

Okay, listen, I... I'm in trouble.

I-I-I've got more work to do this week

than... Than even I can manage.

So I need your help.

Do you want me to write one of your term papers for you?

This is no time for jokes, Mallory.

Look, the help I need from you.

I-involves your friend, uh, Effie.

Effie? What do you want from Effie?

Well, does, uh...

Does she still take those, uh, diet pills?

You know what I mean. Amphetamines.

Speed? Shhhhh!

Yeah, she does. Why?

Well, t-they speed up your metabolism, you know?

They give you extra energy.

I, uh, I may need that this week.

Alex, Effie has a prescription for those pills.

It's illegal for anyone else to take them.

Oh, come on, Mallory.

You took one yourself, a couple of months ago,

when you were on that diet. Right.

And it was you that talked me out of taking any more.

You said they were dangerous

and that drugs weren't the solution to anything.

Oh. Sure. Throw that up in my face.

Look, Mallory, you know me well enough to know

I am not gonna abuse the pills.

I probably won't even use 'em.

They will sit on my shelf, and I won't touch 'em.

Okay. I'll talk to Effie tomorrow.

No. Not tomorrow, tonight.

Uh, please.

The sooner I have them,

the sooner I, uh, don't have to take 'em.

Okay. U.S. government. Honors class. Mr. Wilkinson.

Title page...

"Herbert Hoover, the lost savior."

By Alex P. Keaton.

Hi.

So...

Did you, uh...

I-I mean, were you able to, uh...

Effie?

Yes, Alex, I got the speed.

Will you keep your voice down?

We are dealing with illegal contraband here, Mallory.

What took you so long?

Effie didn't want to give up the pills.

She said she needs them for her diet.

How'd you talk her into it?

She likes you, Alex.

So, uh, I told her you'd go out with her.

You what?!

I don't want to go out with Effie.

She weighs 300 pounds.

Well, it's a lucky thing for you she does,

or she wouldn't have those pills.

All right, all right. I'll go out with her.

Here they are.

Just be careful, okay?

Mallory...

Mallory, don't worry your pretty little head

over this anymore.

I can safely say

that there is virtually no possibility...

Of me taking even a single pill.

Believe me.

I know what I'm doing.

What am I doing?

Drugs.

These are drugs, and I have them illegally.

"Effie Blatts.

Take one every morning to control appetite."

I'm not Effie Blatts.

There's no way around it.

You know, if this ever went to trial,

I wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

I could wind up on a road gang for this...

With Effie Blatts.

'Course, she would do all the heavy work.

On the other hand, what choice have I got?

Help me out here.

I mean, what would you do?

Pressure mounting from all sides,

y-your entire future, your career hangs in the balance.

Would you do something you knew was wrong?

Elyse: Hey, Alex, you want to take a break and join us?

Alex: I'm really busy, mom.

We're playing monopoly!

Then you'll join us?

Monopoly? You kidding me? I'd love a game.

Uh, I-i thought you had a lot of work to do?

Well, dad, I was thinking.

You know, term papers and exams come and go,

but the family unit is the one true constant in life.

The precious hours spent in the familiar abode,

with loved ones,

playing a heartwarming game such as this,

are what make memories

that one can treasure for all eternity.

When did all that occur to you?

As I was coming down the stairs.

Are these dice in proper working order?

Yes, all the dots seem to be in place.

Okay. Okay, fine. Mallory, you're first.

Okay.

10.

Oh, I'm on the Jail Square.

Uh, relax, relax. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

You're just visiting.

Okay, uh, my turn!

All right! Here we go!

Oh, oh, nobody took the thimble.

That's great. Here we go.

Okay, let's have boxcars for daddy!

Oh!

Double threes. Six!

Okay. That puts me on Oriental Avenue.

That costs $100. I'll buy that.

Okay, my turn.

Four.

Income tax. You have to pay.

Aw, that's not fair. Could I take a do-over?

Oh, sure. Go ahead.

Whoa! Whoa! Hold the phone.

No do-overs.

Page four of the rule book says, and I quote...

Alex, we're gonna let Jennifer take a do-over.

Here are the dice, honey.

I won't stand for this.

This is a travesty.

This is a sin against capitalism.

I'll be in the kitchen.

You call me when it's my turn. Okay?

Alex...

Alex, you took one of those pills, didn't you?

Nope.

Decided not to.

You did so, Alex. I can tell.

You're completely out of control.

Mallory. Mallory, don't be silly.

I'm fine.

Okay. Mom? Elyse: Yeah?

I was gonna give the kitchen floors

a quick buffing.

Where do you keep the wax?

Never mind. I'll use my hands.

Uh, no, he isn't home yet, Mrs. Obeck,

but I'll pass along your thanks.

Yeah, I'm glad Alex did a good job

cleaning out your garage.

Uh, no, I don't know why he did it, either.

I'm s-sorry he had to break a window to get in.

Bye-bye.

What has gotten into Alex this week?

I don't know, but our floors have never looked better.

He's just trying to be helpful.

He oiled my roller skates yesterday.

So?

So?!

I was skating at the time.

He has been in sort of a frenzy of activity lately,

I mean, uh, even for Alex.

I don't notice any difference.

No difference?

Mallory, do you realize how much work it takes

to install a skylight?

Great news. Great news!

I got my term paper on Hoover back from Mr. Wilkinson.

A-plus. Nice work, Alex.

Look at this. Look what he wrote on the front.

"An incredibly well-argued thesis.

"I voted for Roosevelt four times.

Thank you for showing me the error of my ways."

I also got a 92 on my economics final

and an "A" on my English term paper.

Does anybody have any laundry they want me to do?

Alex, are you feeling all right?

Never better!

You just seemed a little... Hyperactive.

Oh, wh-what you're seeing here is simply

my natural boyish exuberance, that's all.

It was bound to emerge eventually.

I just worry about you... That's all.

Ah! Mommy.

Not to worry.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna have a shower.

When I come back down,

I'll make myself some dinner, okay?

Come on.

Did you get more pills from Effie?

Yes, Alex, I did.

Good. Well, where are they?

I'm not giving 'em to you, Alex.

You've been taking them all week,

and you've been acting very weird.

Weird?

Weird?

D-do you mind giving me

an example of this alleged "weirdness"

in, uh, in my recent behavior?

All right.

Why the sudden interest in Jennifer's Dollhouse?

It's not a sudden interest at all.

I've been concerned for a while

that her dolls were a little cramped,

so I built an annex...

uh, a little more breathing room for Molly

and, uh, whatever the hell the other one's name is.

I'm not giving you any more pills, Alex.

Mallory,

I've got the biggest tests of my life coming up.

I just want you to give me a couple more pills

to... to get me by, that's all.

And then that's the end. Over. Finito.

No. You should be able to study without them.

Oh, I-i don't believe this.

A lecture in study habits from the C-minus poster girl.

Come on, Mallory. I'm not asking you for a dozen.

Just one.

Maybe two.

How many you got? No, Alex.

Alex, that's mine! Give it back!

In a second, Mallory. In a second.

Alex, you have no right to do this!

Thanks.

Don't ever speak to me again.

Oh, lighten up, will you?

Oh, and, uh, Mallory, you know, if you're thinking

of telling mom and dad about this,

you just keep in mind...

You're not exactly innocent here, either.

Is "The Miracle of Life" on yet?

Just started. What did I miss?

Uh, the sperm cell just joined up with the egg cell.

What's that?

That's the inside of a woman's uterus, honey.

Anyone famous?

I don't know.

Have to wait till the credits.

Hey, Alex. Good day at school? Yeah.

You do well on your tests? Fine. I did fine.

How were your papers? What is this, the inquisition?

Oh, Alex, who do you think you're talking to?

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The... t-the tests went fine.

I got an A-minus on my term paper.

I'm... I'm just... Tired, that's all.

Have you seen Mallory? Uh, no.

Alex, you're interrupting fertilization.

What is this trash you're watching?

This isn't trash. Jennifer and I have been planning

on watching this for weeks.

It's "The Miracle of Life."

They show how babies are made.

Man on TV: Ensuing gestation period...

The stork brings babies, Jennifer.

You're not supposed to know otherwise

till you're 12 years old.

Alex, what are you doing?

I will not allow this smut in my house!

This is not your house. This is our house!

That is not smut, and I don't like the way you're acting.

Oh, well, maybe I don't like the way you're acting.

Okay, Alex, I don't know exactly

what's going on here, but I don't like it.

You go on up to your room and don't you come down

till you can be a little more civil!

What?

Are you seriously telling me to go to my room?

Yes, I am... no. In fact, I got a better idea.

First, you clean up the kitchen,

then straighten up the living room,

and then go to your room... Any questions?

Yeah. Yeah, I have a question.

I most certainly do.

Which, uh, room

did you want me to clean first?

Your choice.

But, mom, what about the show?

We'll watch upstairs.

Good idea.

There's less chance of us being interrupted

by Alex and his housework.

Mallory, Mallory, stop.

I'm not speaking to you, Alex.

Ma... Mallory, please.

Um, I took the... The last one this morning,

and, uh, I'm starting to feel real tired.

I just need a couple more

to get me through the test tomorrow.

Call Effie for me, please.

Not a chance.

Mallory, what do you want from me?

You want an apology? Okay, all right, I'm sorry.

How about money?

Hello, Effie.

Yeah, it's Alex.

So where you been hiding yourself?

Okay, the correct answer is, I believe,

the Treaty of Westphalia,

and if I'm not mistaken...

the year was 1648.

Ah, right again.

This is child's play.

Let's face it...

I am flawlessly prepared for this exam.

After tomorrow, I can just pick my school.

Harvard.

Yeah, I think I'll go to Harvard.

'Course, I shouldn't be too hasty here.

The other Ivy league schools are gonna want a shot at me.

Pretty soon, they'll all be knocking at my door.

Aha! Here's one now.

Come on in.

I heard, uh, some noise in here, Alex.

I thought I...

What are you doing?

Painting my walls.

You want me to do your room next?

Alex, it's, uh, 3:30 in the morning.

I'll put a drop cloth over you and mom.

You won't even know I'm there.

Put down the paintbrush.

It'll dry unevenly, dad.

Now, Alex!

You know, dad,

I am so flawlessly prepared for this exam,

I'm not gonna miss a single question.

I don't believe it!

Did you dig those trenches in the backyard?

Yeah, I did.

Why?

Underground sprinkler system.

Alex, how many hours have you slept this week?

I don't know...

Four.

Four hours all week?

So I've been peppy. So what?

You haven't been peppy, Alex... You've been crazed.

Peppy, crazed. Tomato, "tomahto."

Have you been taking amphetamines?

No. No... me?

No way, dad. Not me.

Alex.

Don't lie to me.

All right, okay. I admit it.

I-I-i borrowed a few from Mallory's friend Effie.

Okay?

No, it is not okay!

Look, d-dad, I just needed 'em

to get me through this week.

Look. Look, I'll prove it to you, okay?

See? These are all of them I-in the garbage.

Gone. I've taken my last one. That is not the point, Alex.

You shouldn't have been taking them in the first place,

no matter how much you had to do.

Dad, they work. They... they helped me.

I have gotten more done this week

than I ever thought possible.

You got to admit it, dad. The stuff works.

I know what it does. I used it myself when I was in school.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Then how can you get mad at me?

This isn't a question of my being mad at you, Alex.

I-it's much more complicated than that.

Look...

I'm your father,

and right now I see you taking a risk

with something you know nothing about.

Now, this is a dangerous, addictive drug

you're dealing with.

And nothing else matters to me

except stopping you from taking it.

You don't have to worry be...

I-I'm done with it.

We're not done talking, Alex.

We'll talk more in the morning.

We could, uh, both use some sleep.

I know I could, before I fill in those trenches tomorrow.

And, uh, I know you need to study.

Well, I-i pulled a few all-nighters myself

when I was in school.

I, uh, I remember my roommate Roland koonikowski.

Uh.

We used to call him the owl,

but it wasn't because he stayed up late...

He could turn his head all the way...

He's still asleep, Elyse.

Alex. Alex.

Alex. Alex, wake up! You're late for your test!

No! No, Effie! Effie! No, get back!

Mom? Dad? What time is it?

It's 20 after 8:00.

The test. It's already started, Alex.

We thought you'd gone an hour ago.

I overslept.

I can't believe it. I got to get going.

Alex. Help me.

Alex. Elyse, get him up.

Did I fall down? Come on.

I think... now, look, I think you can forget the test.

I got to get going.

The door?

Where's the door?!

Where are my... Where did I...

It's got to be somewhere...

The garbage! Probably in the garbage.

Alex! Alex! Stop it! Stop it!

It's over!

It's over.

I never oversleep.

Never! Never!

I have one of those internal clock radios.

I had that scholarship in the bag.

And I blew it!

Speed is like that, Alex.

It'll keep you up for a while,

but when you crash, uh, you crash hard.

I thought I could handle it.

Well, look at how you're handling it.

You're... you're on your knees rummaging through the garbage,

looking for someone else's diet pills.

I guess I've had finer moments.

You know how you feel right now?

Yeah.

Don't ever forget it.

Believe me, I won't.

Alex, why are you still here?

Ma... Mallory.

I overslept.

I missed the test.

It was the pills. I-i couldn't wake up.

Mom and dad know about the pills.

I told them everything.

Then you know I gave the pills to Alex.

I didn't tell them that.

Mallory, you gave him the pills?

She didn't want to, mom.

I pressured her into getting them from Effie.

She even tried to talk me out of it.

Uh, Mallory...

I had no right to use you like that.

I'm sorry.

Something going on here I should know about?

Yeah. Yeah, I was just apologizing to Mallory

for treating her badly,

and, uh, to you, too, Jennifer,

for, um, being such a creep all week.

Am I on "Candid Camera"?

Why don't we all clear out of here and, uh...

And let Alex get some sleep?

We'll, uh... we'll talk more about this later,

when you wake up.

From the looks of you, that should be about Thursday.

You look awful, Alex.

How could I do this, Mallory?

I was out of control.

Okay. I-i-it was like it wasn't even me,

like it was somebody else.

Very scary, Mallory.

It was scary for me, too. I didn't know who you were.

It was like you were a different person.

Well, uh...

The old Alex is back.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm glad to see you.

Oh, by the way, um, Effie called.

She said, uh, when you pick her up tonight,

dress casual...

and she's hungry.