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00:00:01,869 --> 00:00:03,637
Everybody Hates Chris #051
"Everybody Hates
the Bachelor Pad"
Closed captioned
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00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,306
CHRIS ROCK:
When I was 15,
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00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,707
the only thing I wanted
more than a girlfriend
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00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,142
was to have some privacy.
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00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:11,512
I didn't have a room to
myself, somebody was always
home,
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00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,514
and even when I was supposed
to be alone...
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00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:16,584
(gargling)
somebody was there.
8
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,654
Sometimes I hate going home.
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00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,723
It's like I can never
be alone.
Me, too.
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00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,825
Every time I turn around,
my grandma's right there.
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00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,395
She thinks "alone" is
something you get at a bank.
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00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,297
Whenever I turn around,
my whole family is right there.
13
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,265
What would you do
if you had privacy?
14
00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:32,800
* Been working all week
for the money I got *
15
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:35,469
* Looking for a place
to spend this nut... *
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00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:38,539
Nothing much, just do whatever
I want, whenever I want.
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00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,409
I can't wait till I get
my own place.
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00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,444
Well, my grandma
has the flu,
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00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:44,845
and I have to make her
some hot toddies.
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00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,614
Hot toddies
are sick people's happy hour.
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00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:49,483
Who cares about the flu
when you're drunk?
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00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,221
Mom, I'm home.
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00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,325
JULIUS:
Uh, hello? Hello?
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00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,293
What's going on?
(coughing)
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00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:00,494
Baby, we're all sick.
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00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:03,397
So I quarantined the
rest of the house
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00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,133
so you're just going to
have to stay over there.
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00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,168
But where am I supposed
to eat and sleep
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00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,636
and go to the bathroom?
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00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,771
Well, baby, you can
sleep on the couch.
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00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,507
And then you can eat free
sloppers over at Doc's.
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00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:15,809
And I left you a bucket.
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00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,179
Great, what do I do
when the bucket is full?
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00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,814
(both coughing)
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00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,850
Rochelle, this is crazy.
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00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:26,587
First of all, you used
$3.97 worth of plastic wrap.
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00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,589
Second,
Chris can't live like this.
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00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,191
I called Mr. Omar.
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00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,592
He can stay upstairs
with him.
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00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,161
Oh, no, he can't go up there
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00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:35,129
with all them loose women
coming and going.
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00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:36,597
Yes, he can.
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00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,432
Mr. Omar promised
he'd be on his best behavior.
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00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,667
Chris will be fine.
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00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:40,701
(Julius coughs)
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00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:41,902
Julius, I don't know about this.
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Look, either way, we ain't
wasting this much plastic wrap.
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00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:47,241
So, you might as well
send him up to Omar's.
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00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:48,576
(coughing)
50
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,211
(Rochelle coughs)
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00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:52,280
You gotta go
upstairs, baby.
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00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,814
All I knew about Mr. Omar
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00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:56,550
was that he liked dead men
and live women.
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00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:57,918
So, I didn't know
what to expect.
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00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,420
All right, now, Chris,
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00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,189
there's a few things
you need to understand.
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00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:03,457
Phone rings, you take a message.
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00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:06,394
Don't go looking for nothing
you ain't supposed to find.
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00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:08,862
And most importantly,
I need my privacy.
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00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,765
So, you stay out of my way,
and I stay out of yours.
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00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,501
Deal?
Deal.
Good.
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00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,769
I'll be back later,
so you're on your own.
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00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,445
Now all I needed was
six white girls and a monkey.
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00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:28,516
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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Dude, this is so awesome.
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00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,250
You got your own
bachelor pad.
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00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:03,684
Yeah, it's great,
besides the fact
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00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,885
that there's an old man
that lives there.
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00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:07,555
Yeah, but he's not an old man
that tells you what to do.
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00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:08,789
You're like Fonzie living
upstairs on Happy Days.
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00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,358
(imitates Fonzie):
Ey...
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00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,525
You know, this will be
the first time
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00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,394
I actually have some privacy.
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00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:15,529
Whenever I want privacy, my dad
tells me to go in the backyard.
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00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,831
So, Chris,
you got your own place?
76
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:18,699
Yeah, do you?
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00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,501
Oh, yeah,
I got a flat in the city.
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00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:21,902
Where's your parents?
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00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,638
Is that your business?
80
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,474
Where's your place, Chris?
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00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:27,941
Upstairs at my parents' house.
82
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,743
Dude, that's not your own place.
That's the attic.
83
00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:31,979
Oh, and I have a quiz tomorrow
on chapter seven.
84
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:34,282
Either I pass it,
or it's your ass.
85
00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:37,651
It's not my ass's fault
you suck at math.
86
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,761
Oh, man, I just
threw up buckets.
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00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:49,730
Ow!
88
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:52,032
Why are you faking a fever?
Because I forgot
89
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,302
to study for my math quiz,
and I don't want to get an "F."
90
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:57,738
If Mama finds out you aren't
sick, she's going to kill you.
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00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:59,307
If I get an "F,"
Mama will kill me.
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00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,574
So why don't you mind
your own business?
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00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,543
ROCHELLE:
Drew.
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00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,445
I'm in here.
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00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,447
Boy, what are you
doing out of bed?
96
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,781
I had to throw up.
97
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:09,283
(coughs):
Go on back to bed.
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00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:10,851
I'll check on you
in a few minutes.
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00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,887
(coughing)
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00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,425
Girl, you are burning up.
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00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,059
This is bad.
102
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,395
It was a big deal
for Tonya to have the flu,
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00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:22,963
because she never got sick.
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00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,699
Not even when we got polio.
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00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:35,476
(Rochelle moaning)
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00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,578
I'm calling the doctor.
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00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,513
For what?
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00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:42,516
We're all sick, Julius,
remember?
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00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:45,553
And now Tonya has a fever.
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00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:46,820
We've all got fevers.
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00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:48,956
Besides, doctors
cost money.
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00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,824
And so do funerals.
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00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,693
Look, all the doctor
is going to say
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00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,595
is that we need
to get some rest,
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00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,331
drink plenty of fluids,
take some aspirin.
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00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,899
We don't need
to pay for that.
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00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:01,869
I can't believe your daughter
is in there burning up
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00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:04,772
and you are too cheap
to call the doctor.
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00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,775
Call Chris, tell him to
bring us some 'Tussin.
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00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,443
We'll be okay.
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00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:11,445
(coughing)
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00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:14,682
Staying at Mr. Omar's was kind
of like sharing a bachelor pad.
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00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,417
With a dirty old bachelor.
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00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:17,785
Oh, hey, Chris.
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00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,720
Just getting in
from a little afternoon delight?
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00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,989
Oh, no, I just had to drop off
some 'Tussin downstairs.
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00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:24,024
You know,
flu season to me
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00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,826
is like tax season
for accountants.
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00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,861
That's when I do
the most business.
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00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,630
But I'm sure your
family will be fine.
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00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,499
Well, thanks.
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00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:32,866
So, what's for dinner?
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00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,802
I'm having mac and cheese.
What are you having?
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00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,437
I guess I'll have
mac and cheese, too.
135
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:39,440
You must be having it someplace
else, 'cause I'm all out.
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00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,777
Well, what else you got?
137
00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:46,380
Uh, whatever's
in the fridge.
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00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,149
What?!
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00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,951
Man, do you know
you have hair in here.
140
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:54,021
Oh, I know, that's
my side business.
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00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:57,157
My dear clients no longer have
a need for their tresses--
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00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,693
tragic-- so I sell it
to wig shops.
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00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,061
I got a wide variety.
144
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,631
I got curly, wavy,
nappy, and Indian.
145
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,933
Who wants nappy?
146
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,736
The only other thing
you have in here
147
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,171
is some expired milk,
some prune juice...
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00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,973
and what is this?
149
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,976
Oh, I do have some cheese.
150
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:19,413
Now all we need is the macaroni.
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00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:22,182
Back at home, Tonya was trying
to fake not freezing to death.
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00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,851
(coughs)
153
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,553
Daddy, I'm cold.
154
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:26,820
That means
it's working.
155
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,922
Here, keep this
on your forehead.
156
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,725
Rochelle, what does
the thermometer say?
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00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:32,993
(coughing)
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00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,528
Two below zero.
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00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,464
Julius, you're giving her
the chills.
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00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,865
I can cure the chills.
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00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,033
My mother had a home remedy
for the chills.
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00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,702
It's called a blanket.
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00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:44,204
I tried your mother's chill
remedy, and it gave me a rash.
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00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,039
Did you brew it overnight
and strain it
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00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,040
through an old tube sock?
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00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,009
No.
Well, that's why.
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00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,544
If you let me I make it
the right way,
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00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:51,812
then she'll feel
as good as new.
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00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,681
What's that for?
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00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:57,551
So I can come back and get this
food before it thaws out.
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00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,119
I'm going
to make the remedy.
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00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,121
(coughing)
A little butter and onions
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00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,191
and Tonya would make
a nice side dish.
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00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,460
(sighing)
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00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:07,561
(coughs)
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00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,897
Why don't you just tell them
you're not really sick?
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00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:13,567
You know Dad's home remedies
are nasty.
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00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:17,037
Not as nasty as Mama.
179
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,608
(TV playing quietly,
toilet flushing)
180
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:23,176
Well, I'm going to bed.
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00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:24,945
So what time do you want me
to turn off the lights?
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00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,179
Oh, I don't care.
183
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,848
You can stay up all night
if you want.
184
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,984
And there's some videos over
there you're welcome to watch.
185
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:32,019
I've got
Night of the Living Dead,
186
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,086
Dawn of the Dead,
Day of the Dead,
187
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,956
Dead Zone,
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid,
188
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,091
Death in Venice, Death Wish,
189
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,528
Love and Death,
Murder by Death,
190
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:43,597
and Ososhiki aka Death,
Japanese Style.
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00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,065
Cool, thanks.
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00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:54,908
Turns out Mr. Omar only had one
movie that wasn't about death.
193
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,678
Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.
194
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,116
PRYOR:
How are you?
195
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,654
Thank you. Ooh.
(crowd cheering wildly)
196
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:09,256
Thank you. Thank you much.
197
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:11,525
Good evening.
198
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:14,094
Wait for the people
to get from the bathroom.
199
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,262
(Chris and crowd laughing)
200
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,730
People in there (bleep)...
201
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,766
(laughter)
202
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,934
(man in crowd shouts)
203
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,736
What's happening, blood?
204
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,071
Right on.
205
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:26,239
(laughter)
206
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,108
The white people, rushing back.
207
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,877
(laughter)
208
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,112
White people don't care...
209
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:34,314
(static hissing)
210
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,283
Chris.
211
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,618
Chris.
212
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:38,919
Chris?!
What?
213
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,088
What time are you going
to be home from school?
214
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,691
Like, 5:00. Why?
215
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,158
Can you make it midnight?
216
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,661
No. I'm a kid,
I can't stay out that late.
217
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,162
Hmm. Yeah,
you got a point.
218
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,098
Well, in that case,
I won't be home tonight.
219
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,666
Where are you
going to be?
220
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:53,734
Minding my own business.
221
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,202
Are you going
to be okay?
222
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,037
Even though I had never
been on my own before,
223
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,740
it was my first chance
to have some real privacy,
224
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,742
and I wasn't going
to pass it up.
225
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,043
Yeah, I'll be fine.
Good.
226
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,145
Don't forget to lock up
after you leave.
227
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:06,880
Oh... (sighs)
228
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:08,616
let's keep this
between you and me, okay?
229
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,250
I wouldn't want your parents
to find out
230
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,284
I left you here alone.
231
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,086
No problem.
232
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,290
Aren't you supposed to be
at school or something?
233
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:20,060
Yeah, I don't have to leave
till, like, 7:30.
234
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,228
What time is it?
235
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,730
8:45.
236
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:26,099
8:45 was a quarter past
late as hell.
237
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,241
"Four score and seven years ago,
238
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:37,945
"our forefathers brought forth
on this continent
239
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:41,314
"a new nation
conceived in liberty
240
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,851
"and dedicated
to the proposition
241
00:09:43,884 --> 00:09:47,254
that all men
are created equal..."
242
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,157
even if they're on CP time.
243
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,892
Good morning, Chris.
244
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,260
Good morning, Ms. Morello.
245
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,729
I'm sorry I'm late,
but my whole family is sick.
246
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,197
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
247
00:09:57,230 --> 00:10:00,768
Is it sickle cell, rickets,
or swine flu?
248
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,636
Is that like chitlin-itis?
249
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:03,937
Swine flu.
250
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,674
Your tardiness is excused,
251
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:11,278
but you should tell your family
to lay off the bacon.
252
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:14,848
For a guy who's never had
.a place to himself,
253
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,317
Greg had a lot of ideas
about what I should do.
254
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,052
Do you know
what this means?
255
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,121
You're in possession
of the velvet trap.
256
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,056
Velvet trap?
What does catch?
257
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:24,291
Don't you know
who likes velvet?
258
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,159
Prince?
259
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,228
Him, too? But I was
talking about girls.
260
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:29,997
Girls like velvet.
261
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:32,399
Velvet...
What are you talking about?
262
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:34,067
Your apartment-- velvet.
263
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:35,268
You've got a place.
264
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,337
Now all you need
to do is get a girl.
265
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,206
You're so in there.
266
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,008
I can't imagine what I'd do
if I had a place to myself.
267
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,009
I could.
268
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:49,049
* All by myself
(sobbing)
269
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,317
* Don't wanna be...
270
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,819
Guess I am in there.
271
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:53,186
You're so in there,
272
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,955
we'd have to send
a search party
to find you.
273
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,290
And I think I know exactly
who I want to be in there with.
274
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:58,325
Who?
275
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,761
Tasha.
276
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:03,030
Who needs a test tube
to make medicine
277
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,032
when you've got a tube sock.
278
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,900
Okay, Doctor,
thank you.
279
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,335
I'll mail you a check.
280
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,104
(coughing)
281
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,706
So what did he say?
282
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,307
You were right, okay.
283
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,009
Now, is this remedy of yours
going to work?
284
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,110
Oh, it'll work.
285
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:18,979
It's been passed down
for generations.
286
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,748
My mother got it
from my grandmother
287
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:21,949
who got it from her
great grandmother
288
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,316
who got it
from a Puerto Rican lady.
289
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,953
My father's home remedies were
legendary.
290
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:26,987
If you had a headache...
291
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,957
Baking soda and a pomegranate.
292
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,258
If you were nauseous...
293
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,794
Catfish and grape jelly.
294
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,162
If you were blind...
295
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,463
A tin cup and a white cane.
296
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:39,699
Hey, he couldn't cure
everything.
297
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,271
Oh, good Lord!
298
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,239
Man, what's in this
stuff? Turpentine?
299
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:48,776
Don't be silly.
It's strawberry turpentine.
300
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,778
(brew bubbling)
301
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:53,246
Ah, that's working.
302
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,784
Tonya went from healthy kid
to guinea pig.
303
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,485
Eww, it stinks!
304
00:11:58,518 --> 00:11:59,920
Smells like feet.
305
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,254
Be quiet, boy.
306
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,522
I know it smells bad,
307
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:05,058
but if you drink it,
you'll feel better.
308
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:07,227
Why don't you drink it?
309
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,929
But, baby, we only had
enough ingredients
310
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:10,363
for your daddy
to make one dose,
311
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,866
and since you're
the sickest, it's yours.
312
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,168
And you are still sick,
aren't you?
313
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:18,505
(coughs)
314
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:20,473
(whimpers)
315
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,978
Yeah, you'll feel
better in no time.
316
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:26,914
Especially since there was
nothing wrong with her
317
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:29,282
in the first place.
318
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,218
Since my velvet trap was set,
319
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,520
all I needed to do was dangle
the bait.
320
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:36,456
(sighing)
Hey, Chris, what's wrong?
321
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,826
My whole family's got
the flu.
322
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:39,927
That's too bad.
323
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,895
Are you okay?
324
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,063
Yeah, 'cause I'm staying
at Mr. Omar's.
325
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,397
For real?
326
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,833
Yeah, he's staying over
at a friend's,
327
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,500
so I have the whole place
to myself.
328
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,937
I wish I could get away
from my grandma.
329
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,840
Do you like Richard Pryor?
330
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:54,541
I love Richard Pryor.
331
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:57,811
But I'm not allowed
to watch him.
332
00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,980
That's too bad
because Mr. Omar...
333
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,514
he has one of his concert tapes.
334
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:03,216
He does?
335
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,551
I was going to ask if can come
watch it with me,
336
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:07,888
but I don't want to get you
in trouble.
337
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:08,956
I can come.
338
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,257
You can?
339
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,092
I learned early on
that the best way
340
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,593
to get a girl into trouble
341
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,864
is to tell her you don't want
to get her into trouble.
342
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:19,366
Yeah, I'll meet you
around 8:00.
Okay.
343
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,303
I had a place, I had a girl,
344
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:27,107
I had a smile so wide that you
could see it from behind.
345
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,176
(radio plays)
Mm-hmm.
346
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,343
Which tape is it?
347
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:33,380
Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.
348
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:34,915
Richard Pryor, huh?
349
00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:37,384
That's a good one!
350
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,386
Hey, little dude,
let me hold that tape.
351
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:42,255
I would, but I'm watching it
again tonight.
352
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:44,157
Man, I brought home
a Richard Pryor album,
353
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,525
my mother wouldn't even let me
in the house.
354
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:48,095
What you know
about Richard Pryor, youngblood?
355
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,596
I know he's funnier than you.
356
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:50,931
Whoa!
Ooh!
357
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,532
Let me tell you something,
youngblood.
358
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,935
You ain't too young to meet
the executioner.
359
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,303
You sure you wanna do that?
(blade tings)
360
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,038
Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey!
361
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,340
The only thing
we cut here is hair. All right?
362
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:01,909
Show him
what I taught you.
363
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,211
Show him. Show him!
364
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,013
Anyway, I'm not even
staying in my house.
365
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,214
I'm staying at Mr. Omar's.
366
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:10,150
Mr. Omar?
What you doing up there?
367
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,219
My whole family's sick;
they got the flu.
368
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,054
Sick? They in
the hospital?
369
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,889
No.
Damn!
370
00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:17,290
He was gonna rob my house.
371
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:18,926
You said they had
the flu, right?
372
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:21,228
Now, I got the cure
for the flu right here.
373
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:22,095
You should've asked me earlier.
374
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,965
Here you go;
check that out right there.
375
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,133
Does it work?
376
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,200
Oh, it worked for me.
377
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,969
Me too.
378
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:31,238
It even stopped my
hallucinations for a... while.
379
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:32,539
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Charlie, where you going?
380
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:35,408
Come back, man.
I need to borrow
five dollars.
381
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:36,276
You see that, man?
382
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,145
Look, you tell them
to take one teaspoon
383
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,579
one teaspoon,
384
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:41,081
'cause it'll knock you out
for five hours.
385
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:43,316
But it works.
386
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:46,053
Five hours?
Let me hold that bottle.
387
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,287
Are you sick?
388
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,089
N-No.
I didn't think so.
389
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:50,557
Here you go, Chris, man.
390
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:51,591
Remember what I said now.
391
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,526
One teaspoon.
392
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,962
You're all done.
393
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,229
Uh! Next!
394
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:57,430
He gave the same elixir
395
00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:00,167
to people who need to take
paint off of cars.
396
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,569
Hey, man, I was next.
397
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:05,172
Hey, you want a cut
or get cut.
398
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,074
Huh?
399
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,441
Hey, man, it's your life.
400
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:13,213
Now, are you sure this is
going to work?
401
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,282
Worked for everybody
on the block.
402
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:17,584
How many teaspoons do we need
to take?
403
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,352
One or two?
404
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:20,687
Six.
405
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,389
Six?!
406
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,091
Yeah, six.
407
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,192
I knew that was too much
408
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,427
and I risked putting my family
in a coma,
409
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,230
but I wasn't risking my mother
catching me with a girl.
410
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:35,502
(screaming and grunting)
411
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,671
Freeze!
412
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:41,508
'Cause I ain't raising
no babies!
413
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,310
Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.
414
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:47,180
Are you eating and sleeping
and going to school on time?
415
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:49,449
Yeah, Ma, I'm fine.
416
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,384
And how is
Mr. Omar treating you?
417
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,520
You guys getting along okay?
418
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,289
Yeah, it's like
he's not even there.
419
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:57,524
Good.
420
00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,560
Well, I hope this stuff works.
421
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:03,030
Me too.
422
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:09,102
I had a girl fixed up
and I got my hair fixed up.
423
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:12,605
Now I needed to get Mr. Omar's
apartment fixed up.
424
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,674
*
425
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:25,385
*
426
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:31,391
(knocking on door)
427
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,365
Hi.
Hi.
428
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:39,532
Thanks for inviting me.
429
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,568
This should be fun.
430
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:44,204
Being alone with Tasha was
like a dream come true.
431
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:47,474
I'd jump for joy if I wasn't
paralyzed with fear.
432
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,775
Aren't you going
to come sit down?
433
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,211
Oh, yeah. Sure.
434
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,746
Just wanted to make sure
you got a good spot.
435
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,085
So, what are
you waiting for?
436
00:16:58,118 --> 00:16:59,586
Put it in.
437
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,088
Huh?
What?!
438
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,756
The tape, Chris--
put in the Richard Pryor tape.
439
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,225
Oh, yeah.
440
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,327
(knocking on door)
441
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,661
Who's that?
442
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,797
I don't know.
443
00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,302
I had worked to make this
the perfect night,
444
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:16,836
nothing could ruin it...
445
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,206
ALL:
Hey!
446
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:20,307
...except this.
447
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:23,143
We're here, youngblood.
We're here.
448
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:27,614
Hey, man, why don't you
check and see
449
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,749
if they got something to drink
in the refrigerator?
450
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,418
Hey, put the tape on,
little dude.
451
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,653
Hey, get of here, big dude.
452
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,692
(loud laughter)
453
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,261
Thanks.
454
00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:43,696
Hello. I'd like to make
a collect call to Kansas City.
455
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,466
I had a place to myself
and the girl of my dreams.
456
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:49,202
But two things messed it up:
me and my big mouth.
457
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,770
You weren't going to sit here,
were you?
458
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:53,240
Nah, man. It's okay.
459
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,309
Remember when you told me
not to run?
460
00:17:56,343 --> 00:18:00,747
(loud laughter)
461
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,715
Man, thanks
for inviting us
over, Chris.
462
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,417
I didn't invite you over.
463
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,219
Hey, man, you aren't trying
to talk to Tasha, are you?
464
00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:07,454
Yeah, kind of.
465
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,521
Well, if that's
the case, man,
466
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:09,756
why don't you just
give me the say-so.
467
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,358
I'll clear these people
out of here in seconds.
468
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:13,293
See, I carry a container
of napalm,
469
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:14,361
just for such emergencies.
470
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,729
I was tempted
to take him up on it.
471
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:19,766
(loud laughter)
472
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,669
I wasn't really running...
473
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,238
(loud laughter)
474
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:26,573
Hey, hey!
475
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,242
Hey, can y'all
kind of keep it down,
476
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,511
'cause everyone downstairs is
trying to sleep.
477
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,314
(laughter)
(knocking on door)
478
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:37,350
Not everybody.
479
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,619
(pounding on door)
480
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,688
What are you doing up here?
481
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,156
What are you doing up here?
482
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,691
I thought
you were sick.
483
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:47,627
Didn't you take
the medicine?
484
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,662
I spit it out.
Where's Mr. Omar?
485
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:50,563
He had to leave.
486
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:51,631
He left you here alone?
487
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,366
Yeah.
And you didn't
tell Momma?
488
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,767
No.
(laughter)
489
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,270
There you are.
Bye, Chris.
490
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:58,805
You're leaving?
Yeah.
491
00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:00,640
Wait.
492
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:01,941
I can't. I have to get home
before my grandmother wakes up.
493
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,576
But I had a lot of fun, though.
Thanks.
494
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:10,850
* Tell me, how am I supposed
to live without you? *
495
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,220
The girl of my dreams was
walking away,
496
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:16,956
but the girl of my nightmares
wasn't going anywhere.
497
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,358
I know, I know--
498
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,960
Ooh, you're telling.
499
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,429
Get in there.
500
00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:24,231
Now. Go.
(laughter)
501
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:27,234
I don't like...
Shut up.
502
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:31,938
Even in a coma,
my mother could sense trouble.
503
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,940
I started out wanting
to get a little privacy
504
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,775
and ended up with a disaster.
505
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:38,245
And at that moment,
I wished for anything
506
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:39,512
to get me out of that mess...
507
00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:42,349
What is going on in here?!
508
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,384
...except this.
509
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:45,418
You better start looking,
510
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:46,886
'cause obviously
you lost your mind.
511
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,688
Upstairs party
while we're down here...
512
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,623
After my mother got through
with me...
513
00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:53,293
Tonya...
514
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,894
and Mr. Omar...
515
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:58,231
I realized that having privacy
and being independent
516
00:19:58,265 --> 00:20:00,300
isn't all it's cracked up
.to be.
517
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,802
But at least she didn't
find out about Tasha.
518
00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,003
Chris!!!
519
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:08,308
What is this I hear about you
having some girl upstairs?
520
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:11,811
* Everybody Hates Chris...
521
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,613
(sneezes)
522
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:16,516
Captioned by
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