All language subtitles for [English] Cycles [DownSub.com]

[Street ambience]

[Instrumental Guitar Music]

What are you thinking?

That I'm a long way from home

It's the start of a new beginning,

it's meant to be slightly daunting

Yeah

Come on

Come on

You'll be fine

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom

You don't mind, do you?

[Door shuts]

[Sighs]

It's exciting, isn't it?

There's not a better city

We should have brought
your mattress from home

what and carry it up those stairs?

All sorts have probably happened on this

I'll bring yours up when I visit next

You can't do that you know that you can't

Mum would think that
I'm never coming home

Then I'll help you buy a new one

Honestly it doesn't
matter, this isn't forever

No, but you need to be comfortable

A mattress won't make me comfortable

Alright, whatever you say, look
just try to take mum out of your head

This is your life now

you've got to make this your
home, however you deem necessary

All right, come on, I don't
have long, let's get unpacked

My room back home was bigger than this

and the price of our
whole house was cheaper

What does it matter?

The government's paying for it you'd
be lucky to ever pay the money back

So, you're already doubting me?

I didn't mean it like that

I just meant that things
are changing so fast

who knows what will happen?

That's true I guess

Look, you don't have to help me unpack

Why don't we go and
have lunch or something?

No, I promised mum that I'd help

So? I have all week to unpack

Let's do something

See, it's already
starting to come to life

You don't have to always
do what mum says you know

It's not like that it's just
that I don't have time

A walk then?

What don't you understand
about I don't have time?

But you have time to unpack all
my belongings and decorate my room

I have time for what
i've been asked to do

but you've done all of this before

If you show me the

Look, mom asked me to help you get
unpacked and that's what I'm going to do

It's weird

I, umm, I didn't think
it would feel like this

Like what?

Like I'm staying at some budget hotel
and the housekeeper won't stop tidying up

The quicker things are in
place the quicker it's home

Would you stop saying that?

What?

Home

Look I know you're worried
but I don't have time for this

I've got to go back to work this afternoon
and check in on mum when she finishes

I wish she'd just leave that job

Maybe she will now that
we're both out of the house

But putting a roof over our
head was more important

But she had dreams

What happened to her?

She had us

Can you just stop unpacking

You have no idea where I'm
going to want to put any of it

Well, you don't have much option

on the desk, in the wardrobe

under the bed

Please

All right, fine

Thank you

You have me for about
another forty-five minutes

I'd make the most of it if I were you

What are you thinking?

I don't know, this and that

Is there really a point to any of this?

Of course there is

There's a point to everything

Yeah, but whilst you're young everyone
encourages you to chase your dreams but

when you're older I know that'll change

Where are you getting
ideas like this from?

A long line of people

I just

I feel like I'm always following someone

Then don't follow

make your own path like I
tell you to time and time again

and like mum told you, and
her parents her, and so on

Mum couldn't chase her dreams
because she had to raise us

She gave up her dreams for ours

I hate that

Don't start acting like you know anything
about life you've only just become an adult

but who used to say
that we were worth it?

We were worth it

It may feel that way to you but
the weight is off your shoulders

What on earth are you talking about now?

You don't feel the weight of it anymore

because the pressure
has been moved onto me

Well, no one forced you to come here

but what real choice did I have?

My choices were always predetermined

You and mum both knew that I
never wanted to come to university

Everyone who has the chance
to come to university should but

But that's not it, is it?

Why couldn't you just be honest with
me? Admit that things didn't go your way

Why should I? Things
don't go the way you plan

them, your path alters,
your aspirations change

Then why are both of your paths
attempting to go through me?

[Tuts]

You won't talk to me about it
because a part of you knows that it's true

Isn't it?

Look, all I'm trying to say
is that it's overwhelming

Why are you being so ungrateful

I'm not ungrateful

Really? Because there are thousands of

young people outside that
window that never get the chance

there are kids that want to be astronauts
who are shot down before they can even try

teenagers that want to go into fashion

but pushed into accountancy and
people that aren't allowed to study art

just because it may
not offer them a career

Forget that I said anything

There's nothing to forget
that I don't already know

Look, I get what you're saying, I do,
with the way mum's tried to support us

over the years, it's, it's been tough

you know, she's pleaded
that one of us make a fortune to

save her from a life of work

but our intentions aren't as
black and white as they seem

it's not a case that we we have to
die trying it's just that we should try

but times the way you've
felt by two, along with

the fact that I've always
lived in your shadow

The problem is that
mum's always babied you

That's easy for you to say

Why is everything a competition?

Because I'm the one in second place

We're a family, a team,
no one's against each other

And that's what scares me, if
we're a team then what's to stop me

from following you down the same path?

Neither me, nor mum,
would let that happen

See, there it is you're forcing
me to not only achieve my

dreams but to make you
feel like you've achieved yours

It's not like that

Do you have any idea of the pressure that

this is causing me the
pressure that I'm under to even

be here in the first place

Look, you tried hard you applied early you
put in the work and you got accepted into

one of the most prestigious
acting schools in the country

that's not because of me, that's not
because of mum, that's because of you

What if I don't want to act anymore?

Don't be ridiculous of
course you want to act

Do I?

Chekhov, Death of England,
Fairview, do these look

like the possessions of
someone that doesn't want to act

But you won't even consider it
as a possibility though, will you?

Because you know that if I've given
up then i've made us the failures that

everyone always thought we were

Do you remember when you were
in school and your science teacher

Mr Ayer, that was his name right?

Well, do you remember when
he failed your science grade

and he said that it'd be impossible
to become an actor without science

mum had never been so
angry at someone in her life

she asked how science even
related to acting in the first place

and do you remember what he said?

He said you needed science because,
because you'd never be an actor

he said you'd never be an
actor I know what he said

then you'll remember how you felt

you came home in tears

It wasn't like that well,
what was it like then?

I was upset because
she stormed out of parents

evening, drew all the attention towards

us and then the way that she
cried as she drove us home

I could feel how much
my dreams meant to her

I suddenly felt this

metric ton of pressure it seemed
like she was more upset for

herself than for me

Why are you lying?

You weren't even in the car with us, how
can you talk us if you know what happened?

Because I saw you when you got home

and mum told me what happened but
you didn't see her crying though, did you?

I can't remember

Why lie?

You know that you didn't we
sat in the car on the drive for thirty

minutes before coming inside
she said she had to look ok in front

of you because you had some girl over

It wasn't just some girl

It was then

The truth is, I really liked science

I enjoyed learning about it but mum told
me I didn't need it to achieve my dreams

Was she wrong?

When have you ever used science before?

Never but because of
that I flunked my grades

Well, what does it matter?
Look where you are now

I know but from that moment on I threw
everything I had at acting and started

chasing what many people
would say is an impossible dream

I never knew any of this

I never knew any of it until I was older

Well then, you've already started
to grow up at a faster rate than did

What are you talking about?

You've already graduated,
got married, got a decent job

Yeah, but none of that was easy

not only have I been influenced by mum

but every decision I've had
to make since getting married

has had my wife in the equation

That was where you went wrong

What would you know about it?

I'm just saying, growing up
I thought that I had to be in

a serious relationship by the time I was
14 and to be married by the time I was 21

but things don't work out that way

Then decide what you want with your life

I just want to find my own path

Then you'll be fine here

as long as you start to live an
honest life what do you mean by that?

You know what I mean

Then stop cowering from what you

actually want to say just spit it out

I'm not caring from anything I'm
just trying to say that all you need

to do is make the most of your time here
and just accept that things might change

along the way

I know that

Really?

Because the part of
me thinks that you don't

that you came here to get away from the
stress at home hoping that will help you

come to terms with how you feel
and I respect that bravery, I found it

hard enough to come to university and
I didn't have the worries that you have

Stop talking is if you can relate
to how I feel we are nothing alike

We're more alike than you realize
and just because I'm your brother and I

have to care, doesn't mean
that I don't want to, just talk to me

What good will any more talking do?

More good than it's done so far

Please, just stop

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to
do but you need to stop acting as if you

understand me

Then show me

It's not as easy as that

I know

but I'd feel much better if
you'd at least taken the first step

Who do you really care about here?

Me or you?

You know I didn't mean it like that

but I'm not gonna lie, it'd be
much easier if you just cut the

Save it I don't think we
should take this any further

I don't like that you're treating me

like the enemy just because
I'm your brother and I

can't naturally relate, it doesn't
mean that I haven't felt this before

I find that hard to believe

Why? Just because I've seemed to navigate
through life doesn't mean that I haven't

had my own problems and
just because I've been in a

long-term relationship doesn't mean
that I haven't struggled with who I am

Then you shouldn't be putting
so much pressure onto me

I'm not trying to

I'm just hoping that with me being a little
bit more honest it might encourage you

to do the same all you've
done is state what's obvious

then why are you not accepting that?

Regardless if it's obvious, the truth is

still worth something

Do you remember when I
told mom that I was engaged

she laughed

it was the kind of laugh
that rips you to pieces

I knew it was going
to take her by surprise

we were both eighteen old
enough to take responsibility for

our actions

Where are you going with this?

Right now, I'm just
trying to tell a story

Well, you know how I got,
I questioned her reaction

she knew she'd done wrong
but she was unable to admit it

that's always been a
problem though, hasn't it?

Yeah, but I was hoping it
wasn't going to go that way

How did you feel when it did?

Well,

I was angry I was more
angry than I've ever been up

until that point in my life

but once I composed myself I instantly
realised why she may have felt that way

I was her firstborn child, I was
about to go to university, and

all of a sudden I was engaged

not only was her child
growing up in the blink of an eye

but to her my dreams
were suddenly in doubt

she tried telling me how I
can't let my life slip away for love

and to still focus on my
painting whilst I had the chance

I promised her

which looking back now was

was the wrong thing to do

But maybe she was right,
why didn't you consider that?

Because if you take the life
that mum had into consideration

it's easy to see why she couldn't
look at love the same way that I did

Just because you can justify her actions
that doesn't make them right or wrong

Of course not, but people are
so much more complex than that

and just because she's our mum, and we

expect a certain level of care, it
doesn't mean that she'll always be

able to adhere to it

we have to make our own judgments

I know, and

I don't want you to think that
I'm being inconsiderate to you,

or her, but what if it was a mistake?

Well then, it's like I said, I'm
old enough to take responsibility

but, as of now,

I'm yet to be proven
otherwise and I'm grateful for it

You should be

But what i'm trying to say is that mum
has put that same pressure that you have

felt onto me, and not only
did that moment make me

doubt my, my dreams

but even my engagement

and even now my marriage

I make out that I'm stronger for it

but I'm not

I just want you to see
that we're not that different

and no matter what you can only
blame the way that you move forward on

yourself

That sounds like more of a lesson for mum

Maybe it is, but it's a
good one for all of us

I know

at the end of the day
people have their own issues

and we can't expect them to solve
ours if they can't even solve their own

I know and if being here
worries you this much

then maybe you should
come up with a backup plan

A back-up plan? Seriously?
I don't think I've ever heard

those words in our family,
mum would be furious with you

I mean it have something to fall back on

Did you have a back-up plan?

No

Then, why should I?

Because you seem like you need one

But that goes against everything we as a

family believe in

it's all or nothing

I didn't need a backup plan
because I had loved to fall back on

my wife was my backup plan

Surely that caused
you even more conflict?

No, it didn't because who I'm
in love with can't be changed

You're lucky to have that

Luck doesn't even cut it

but we're all different I've
always been someone that knew

exactly what I wanted I
wanted to be a painter,

get married, and
eventually have two children

But where did the
drive to be a painter go?

It's weird

now that you ask

I have no idea

It just seems to have drifted away

you only graduated two years ago

I guess a part of it is
being in a relationship

it's something that
moves at a different speed

we needed money for the wedding and
we weren't like other families where the

parents could chip in

But why the rush?

We weren't rushing

It's just at that point I cared more
about my life with her than I did my career

There was no need to wait

I just can't see myself
living a life ruled by love

No one can, until they fall in love,

then everything changes

I find it so hard to
understand your decisions

You shouldn't even be trying to

what I'm trying to tell you is
that no matter who you are,

or what you believe in,
your life is down to you

But that's easy for you to say

What's that supposed to mean?

It's just that, even with
everything you've just

told me, you still seem
to have had it so easy

compared to others everything you've
wanted or could have had has been almost

handed to you

It's only seemed that way because I've

worked hard for what I've got

To be honest, if I
really think about it, your

life is probably half the problem

Well, that's not fair, I know it's not

but I can't help but feel that way,
and the older I get, the more I seem to

Seem to what?

The more I seem to

Go on, spit it out, you seem to what?

Despise you

[Despise me?]

Don't take this out on the
people that care about you

I'm just so sick of you
acting like you know me,

like you know would
help me, you have no idea

Then tell me

Everyone has issues, so stop
acting like you're alone in this

I know everyone has issues well then,
what makes yours above everyone else's

I feel like it's getting to the point
where you're just waiting for me to

blurt it out so I've got
more grief on my shoulders

but I won't do it

I'm not asking you to do anything

Good

Then stop acting like we're so different

I'm not

it's just seeing the life you
have, the way that you are,

it's like the perfect picture

It's not like that I
already told you that it

isn't, nothing is, you're
delusional to think so

I am not delusional

Then why do you think
it bothers you so much

seeing us? When you
know that we're not perfect

because even with your problems,
you still have more than most

then I guess we should start being
honest with each other more often

That would be a start

Go on then, you first

What do you hate about my life?

Your happiness

That's disgusting

It hurts to see you with someone to rely
on who isn't doing so because they have to

But instead of acting this way you

should be channeling that energy
into finding that someone for yourself

I know what I should be doing
but that doesn't make it any easier

Well then, what on earth
am I meant to say to you?

I don't know, but maybe if
you just left me alone then

I'd be able to find myself without
fitting in with what you think of me to be

Sure, I have an idea of who you are

but I'd be much happier, and so
would you, if you told me who you are

Then give me more time your time isn't up

but the quicker you find
peace, the easier this will all be

university is a hard place and you'll only
manage if you learn to manage yourself

The problems I have
don't just relate to university

I know, but here you're
expected to become an

adult, to take responsibility
for your actions,

not just blame the way
you feel on everyone else

I'm not trying too

I hate that I feel this way

I know it's not easy, but
with the right mindset,

one day it might be

[Door opens and closes]

I don't suppose you have
any water or anything in here?

My mouth's a bit dry

No, sorry, um, mum gave
me money to do a food shop

so, everything's still on the shelves

it's alright, I'll pick something
up on my way to work

When's your induction?

Sometime next week

and freshers?

What?

Surely you don't think
freshers is on my mind?

It's no big deal

you should go

it's easier to see the outcasts

they stick out

and let's face it

you'll be one of them

That's what I'm nervous about

and think about all the
people that will be the same

I had a much harder time
fitting in and finding my place

I never had the head start

I thought that you went to freshers?

No, I just told everyone that I did

Why did you do that?

It was easier

Weren't you excited to go?

No

If you have a conversation
with any honest graduate

you'll soon realize that the
experience isn't what it's made out to be

What if I literally just want
to come here and study?

That's all anyone wants to do

but they get caught up in it all I
think the real reason people go as

mad as they do in freshers is because
it's easy to drink away the anxiety

Did you ever feel like that?

That goes without saying

but the reason I'm encouraging you to
go is because you'll make friends quicker

by pushing yourself
out of your comfort zone

I know it sounds bad but use
it as an opportunity to target

people, you'll be able
to see people that are

uncomfortable, shy, look for
people that share the same

qualities as you

I've never been a great
judge of character though

Yeah, but everyone is
exaggerated those first few weeks

They'll want to find
you as much as you'll

want to find them

They say at university you

make friends for life

is that true?

Well, I guess that's somewhat
true, but not all of them will be

I only left with one
friend that I still speak to

But I know he's got my back

I hope that that's true for me

From my experience, it will be

George spotted me at
some icebreaker event

it was obvious I was struggling because
I was standing alone eating a slice of

pizza lent up against the wall

whilst he didn't admit it at
the time, I was his last option

he'd already been through
everyone else before he got to me

Didn't he take you for your
first ever coffee or something?

Yeah, he couldn't believe
that I'd never had one before

Well, it doesn't help that hardly
anyone in our family drinks hot drinks

Exactly, I didn't even
know if I liked coffee

I still don't like coffee

Well, it's a good thing that I did

But that could have backfired

It's a cool story to be fair

Yeah, it's alright

but that's the good
thing about university

There's people from all walks of
life that'll all help you find your place

It's all just so hard to get
my head around because

in some ways university
does in fact seem a place for

introverts but in others it doesn't

you know?

And everyone I've spoken
to only adds the idea

that it seems more like
a place for extroverts

it's exactly why people are pushed out

of their comfort zones
introverts feel as if they're in an

extrovert environment and
extroverts feel as if they're in an

introvert environment it's confusing

A part of me is excited
to meet people here

you know? People who I can relate to

but also people who won't
make me feel like an outcast or

a failure

You're far from a failure

I failed at finding those people

Well then, now is the best time to change

Change?

You know, to be open,

authentic

Do you really think that's
possible? In some ways

but who am I to tell you
what is or isn't possible

I'm just the same as everybody else

I know

but that doesn't stop you

It's just frustrating

I don't see why you're so
eating up about who I am

I'm just trying to help

that's all any of us have
ever been trying to do

Who else are you throwing into this?

Mum, your friends, the rest of
the family, we've all seen it, you're

the only one who isn't okay with it

You don't know what I'm ok with

You won't think about it
without me even forcing you

You don't know what I'm thinking

Just cut the shit

every minute you're
contradicting yourself

at this point, doesn't it just
seem easier to tell the truth?

Forget it, I need to start
thinking about leaving

we are no closer the
conversation than we've ever been

by coming here, I thought that we'd have a
moment to be alone and I was right we did

but I didn't expect
it to turn out like this

Then just leave, like you
said we're getting no closer

I can't do this anymore, I've
tried reasoning with you but I'm

sick of talking about things that are
irrelevant and in places taking grief

I don't want to leave here
today with all of this still in the air

Then you shouldn't have put it there in the
first place the sooner you're honest with

yourself the happier you'll be
you don't know what would help me

I'm not the enemy
here then don't act like it

You know I love you, we all do, we
just want you to see yourself how we

see you, to love yourself the way we do

it's ten to three I need to
start thinking about leaving

What are you thinking?
Do you have any idea?

Actually, forget it, this
has gone on long enough

You don't get to decide that

Why not? We're just going
to repeat old conversation

This was none of your
business in the first place

You're my brother

Well, you wouldn't treat your
friend like this, would you?

That's irrelevant would you?

This is over Answer me

No, probably not

Don't you care about
me? You know that I do

Then why, when you knew how hard this move
was going to be for me, do you have to keep

making it harder?

I didn't mean to

I asked to go to lunch

not to unpack my bags
or to start arguing with you

Look, I was out of line, I shouldn't
have approached the subject

like I did in the first place, I'm

Forget it

Good news

Huh?

I asked if it was good news

No, um

it's nothing

Well, two seconds ago we
were at each other's throats

and now you've suddenly calmed down

Like you said

we're done here

Who's Alex?

Just a friend

Then, what's with all the kisses?

Nothing

Well, back in my day
receiving kisses from

someone meant that they liked you

He's not like that

Look,

maybe I'm old-fashioned but
kisses usually mean something

Yeah, well, the times have changed

I don't think they've changed that much,
we're only five years apart remember

Yeah

Tell me about Alex, friend or not

I've never heard you mention him before

Well, there's, um,
there's not much to say

Ok then, I'll quiz you where does he live

Back home

Does he have a job, is he studying?

Yeah, he, um, has a job

He works in a hotel or
at least as far as I know

What happened?

I don't know

Look, I know things
haven't quite gone to plan

but you can talk to me

We, um

we drifted, I guess

both wanted different things

we haven't spoken in months

that's why I probably seemed to change

In a good way

you seem glad to hear from him

Yeah

of course

Then what happened before this?

He, um

he, um

he told me he was gay and

I didn't know how to react

What did you do?

I just brushed past it,
I changed the subject

Did he ever bring it up again?

No

He just, um, started messaging me less

and then eventually

we stopped talking all together

How did that make you feel?

I don't know

I mean I thought we were friends

I guess I just didn't see
his intentions right away

Or maybe you didn't want to

It's just that, after seeing his name
and messages after all this time

Stop there, don't overthink it

he messaged you on a
day he knew you needed it

that's what matters

Yeah, you're right I guess

I just hate the thought
of hiding, and not from me

but from him

everybody puts up an act to somebody
put it this way I'm not the same to you

as I am to my boss at work

No, but that might be nice

You'd never be so lucky, and if
the situation's good for anything

at least it's good
practice for your career

What?

I tried

I know

thanks

[Phone vibrates]

Hi mum, yeah, no, everything's fine

yeah, despite everything he

seems excited

yeah, I know I'll make
sure he's all unpacked

we've started, we've just
got a few more bits to do

how's work?

Hey good, I'll pop by
this evening once I finish

probably won't be until late

I know I'll make sure
he's settled before I

head off

I'll tell him to call you later,
don't worry, he'll call you

I'll see you later, bye Mum

I love you too

Why wouldn't you talk to her?

Why did you tell her I was excited?

Well, I didn't think
you'd want me to tell her

Well, no, not really

Then you should be grateful

Maybe this is why we've never had a

proper adult relationship you need
to stop trying to control everything

Well, I've had to try

before you grew up it was just me and
mum and you don't know what it's like to

have that responsibility

Never have you had to face anything

not telling mum wasn't
for me, it was for you

Do you really want to have
more to worry about right now?

What do you mean, more to worry about?

I didn't mean it like that

but she has enough on her mind already

Well, it's nice to know you're so

precious of her feelings
but so happy to affect mine

We've been talking, haven't we?

Hardly

I don't know what more you want
from me, I'm only trying to help

all my life I've been the one to look
out for people but who's there to look

out for me?

You only have to ask

Have you ever had to ask?

When we were younger, I
used to really look up to you

your confidence as a kid was infectious

but now it just seems
that all the decisions

you make are ways to make your life a

little easier

I'm sure you understand by now
that life is a massive piece of shit

one day when you've got people of
your own, people who depend on you

you'll be the same, and you'll
be doing everything you can

to try and keep the peace
and keep moving forward

Thinking back

I can recall times
that you were like that

where I truly depended on you

but it's also easy to see how
you became like you are now

Oh, really?

Yes, really

Well then, go on, please enlighten me

It was in the midst of
your filmmaking days

We're going that far back, are we?

Yeah

and if I remember correctly, we
had just seen ET and it seemed to

change your life the minute
the credits started rolling

you picked up the old camcorder,
you started shooting the shaky footage

and you soon had me in the starring role

How do you remember all of
this? I can hardly remember any of it

I don't know

you always used to really inspire me

It's weird thinking of me
wanting to be a filmmaker now

I don't even remember
what that feels like

Yeah, but you wanted to
be everything at one stage

or another one minute filmmaker, then a

ventriloquist, then a juggler

See how lucky we were to be told
we could be anything we wanted to be

Yeah, but I think we would
have saved a year or so

if mum had just told you that
your ventriloquism act was awful

Yeah you're probably right

but I seem to remember
myself being pretty good

that was just mum's
encouragement trust me

I remember how painful it was

Well, what about the rest?

Do you remember if I was any
good at juggling or filmmaking?

To be honest, you weren't
good at anything until you

started painting

I guess that's somewhat of a compliment

Anyway, back to my story,
because you were always

quite pushy brother when we were
younger, I had to do everything you asked

I remember our first
film, what was it called

Alien Android?

Yeah, that was it

a modern masterpiece

We were about halfway through the shoot

all the footage of me shooting the
neighbors in the head with toy guns was

signed off but we didn't
have an actual villain

Why would we shoot the neighbors
before we even had a villain?

I don't know

I guess like most great directors, you
must have just been working with what

you had

Anyway, do you remember
there was that kid who lived

across the road from us, he used
to watch us playing and filming

from his bedroom window

That was creepy

Yeah, it really was after a while he

started coming down and photo bombing
pivotal moments and crashing the shoot

do you remember? He naturally
became the villain of the film

without you even casting him

when I used to ask you why
you wouldn't just let him join in

you said it was because
you liked it just being us

for years, we would make films

go down to the arcade and kick
the machines until money fell out

the bottom

I remember us going to the corner
shop and trying to rent those horror films

most of all, just causing havoc

in our little town

How does any of this relate
to what we just spoke about?

I don't know

I thought it would but
I guess that it doesn't

there must be reasons to
why you started telling me this

It doesn't matter now

I know I'm selfish and I know
i've made a lot of mistakes

and keep doing so

but I've always cared
about you and when dad left

I was old enough to
notice and it really hurt me

I just wanted to make sure you still
had someone in your life that would do all

the things that dad would do with you

I never felt like I was missing out

and that means a lot, but I'm not
convinced that's why you started

telling me this story
just say it how it is

It's just that

you used to care so
much about our relationship

and at one point

you were my best friend

growing up without dad

it made me really look up to you

you seemed to have the world figured out

or at least our small town

but all things change I
guess and once you fell in love

you never spent time with me anymore

I mean, how long has it
been since we've been

alone together?

Five years?

I don't blame you

I mean, in a way it's fitting

we're five years apart in age as it is

I just thought that as we got older,
the age between us would seem

insignificant

but it's seemed to
make us more out of sync

It's not that we're out
of sync, we grew up

we don't have time to be playing in the
streets anymore or making crappy films

we've both got lives, responsibilities

I know, but ever since
you fell in love, things

weren't like they used
to be anymore were they?

Of course not, we grew up

but I seem to remember
us still hanging out

sometimes the three of us most weeks

But not because you wanted me to

only because mum asked you to include me

That's not true you know that it isn't

Then, how do you explain the times when
you'd kick up the first when she'd ask or

when you wouldn't talk to
me the whole time we were out

It's not like that

What about the time you left me at
the park to walk home all by myself

Why do you have to keep doing this?

None of this happened the
way that you're making it out

Why are you getting so angry?

I'm not angry

I'm only trying to get my point across
you would always put all of your eggs

into one basket leaving the
rest of us and your career behind

I was fourteen, I was
discovering myself, I just learned

how to kiss and soon
after how to have sex

you should be able to
understand that by now

and do you really think that I'd want
to be spending my weekends with my

nine-year-old brother?

I just wanted you to be honest with me

not drag me along because you had to

You didn't have any friends

I did what I thought was right

When you started
growing up I was still a child

and I wanted to be with you

That's not my fault

You should have just been straight with me
and mum should have stopped pushing you

to invite me

and this is what I mean

from day one, you've
been doing what mum says

or lying when it suits you
to make your life easier

but never once have you
spoken to me about any of this

or been understanding when
I've struggled with making friends

and I don't want you to take any amount
of blame I just want you to understand

how I feel right now
and let me feel that way

and let me not feel guilty about
how my feelings might affect our family

You make me out to be such a monster

No, I don't, just from
the minute I arrived

in here the feeling has made
me question a lot of things

it's brought up a lot of memories

I don't want you to feel like this was

an attack

because it wasn't

Well, I do feel like this was an attack

I didn't have to drop you off here today,
we could have put you on the coach like

other families and look

I know I haven't been perfect, I
know mum hasn't been perfect, and I

know that you haven't been perfect
but that doesn't mean that we fuck up

our memories and make them out to
be something other than what they were

It's like you said, the older
you get the more you come to

understand

but it didn't have to come to this

I didn't want it to

don't tell mum about

you know

let me tell her

How long will that take?

Not long I hope

you should call her if you
want closure on this part of your

life then call her

I'm sorry

Forget it

I don't know what came over me

just tell her when you're ready

I will

Have you heard of the term
painted from memory before

some painters use it as
a way of inverting the truth

or an environment it's where
you paint solely from how you

remember something, rather
than using a reference or a guide

let me put it this way, when I leave

you could attempt to
paint me, but it would

be pretty difficult wouldn't it? I
probably wouldn't look how I do now

not with my painting talents

but that's not the point, the point is

that what you're doing
and thinking about your past

is relating it to your present
you're painting from memory

but your memories won't be
the same now as they were then

because you've changed

What time is it? Shouldn't you be going

I made this for you

make sure you hang it somewhere nice

call me if you need anything, I mean it

I will

It's a big city out there, just
don't expect to fit in straight away

I guess this is it

be honest with me

were you scared?

Of university or life

of course

[Music]

At my window

rain and clouds there shadows of my

dark place

I feel I'm drifting

and there's no one there to catch my fall

oh my window

these clouds are rolling by

will you stick with me, all that we said?

You'd forgive a man like that?

Come to me when you're ready

to talk some sense into yourself

walk the valley that we all belong to

come to me

when you're ready

last night I thought of you

It's unlike me to talk
out loud for company

but in the darkest of
dark, I'm weary and weak

[loose change] I'm scared

That I won't make it

come to me when you're ready

to talk some sense into yourself

walk the valley that we all belong to

come to me when you're ready

come to me come to me when you're ready

come to me when you're ready

[Guitar tuning]

you