Original subtitles

What happened to this country?

Bravo.

It's a really weird time in the household

because Colin Robinson is no longer with us.

I mean, vampires are no strangers to death.

They deal with it every day with the people that they kill.

But when they lose one of their own,

they just don't know how to deal with it.

I mean, their only funeral-type tradition

is that they get a new portrait made

with all of them except for the newly deceased,

and I don't think that's a really healthy way

of dealing with the loss of a family member.

Perhaps we'd all like to go around the room

and each one of say something that we liked

about Colin Robinson? Oh, leave us alone, Guillermo.

You're giving everyone a big bummer.

When she's right, she's right.

Should he even be here? I know.

I did think this was sort of a "vampires only" portrait.

Hey, he is a valued member of the team

and has every right to be in this portrait.

Even though he is a dog.

I wasn't talking about the dog, you halfwit,

I was talking about Gizmo.

Yes, well, Gizmo needs to be here

to help control the Hellhound.

If they talked about their feelings,

then the healing could begin.

Guillermo,

your Hellhound is wandering around

and pissing all over our floors.

And once they're healed, they would realize that

the dynamic's a little off.

So maybe they need to make a new vampire.

I-I just heard it, and I know...

I know what you're thinking,

but I truly believe that that's what's needed

to really restore-- And I deserve it.

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪

♪ They have no use for your song♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪

♪

Yeah, I took up painting

during season two of Grounded for Life.

As an actor, you spend a lot of time

sitting around your trailer, waiting for them

to light the next scene or whatnot,

so I got some brushes and a how-to book from Blick,

and I think I've gotten pretty good.

This is the cast of Grounded for Life.

Oh, my God, Jake and Griffin were so squirrely,

I was like, "Look, here's the deal.

"I'm gonna take a picture, and then you guys can fuck off

and do whatever you want to do."

I finished the painting from a photo, but you know,

that's the way a lot of the masters work now.

This is the front gate of Radford in Studio City.

I was really happy with the way the light reflected

off the admin building that day.

I think I really captured it.

This was a gaffer I worked with onER.

The guy had just such an amazing face,

I was just staring at it.

I was staring at it when I was on camera,

which would get me in trouble, you know?

But I think I really got his essence.

So when the gang here said that they needed

a new portrait done, I said I'd be more than happy

to stick around and do it because I had some downtime

between the next meeting of the Worldwide Vampiric Council

and the two-episode arc I booked on SVU next month.

You gotta remember I came up with MTV in the '90s,

where they were like, "Go shoot 15 hours

"of Jimmy the Cab Driver,

and then we'll figure out where to stick it later,"

but when I got Grounded... Oof.

This buhbutz is really killing me. I know.

Right? I mean, I like the cinema,

but don't need to know how the sausage is made.

Yeah, and it's kind of insensitive.

I mean, we're all still mourning the death

of Colin Robinson. I'm not.

Well, that's what I'm talking about.

We need to talk about that.

How you're feeling... We don't need to talk

about anything.

We are having our picture painted.

Then we will have a picture that Colin Robinson is not in,

and we can forget about him forever,

and this will heal us.

Why did we have to rush it?

The corpse has barely begun to stink,

and we've got the Tao of Steve

painting our portrait. Oh, here we go.

Nadja's masking her true feelings with a joke.

That was not a joke. A joke has a punchline.

And you wouldn't know a punchline if it ran over

your scrotum with a penny farthing!

Oh, I am sorry, but that was a good one.

Also, I feast upon hate.

You know what? Fuck this whole thing!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

You're cool. Fuck you, and fuck you!

Fuck all this shit! Whoa.

You are not storming away from me.

I am storming away from you, but in a different direction!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck you.

You know what, maybe we should just

take five, shake it off.

When he says "take five," five of what?

And where are we taking them?

This last year, it has not been easy on me.

My search for love has

been stymied at every turn.

I'm a lesbian. Are you sure?

Definitely sure.

Would you do me the honor of being

my vampire bride?

I was married before.

I discovered that there is no meaning or purpose

to the universe,

because of the Big Bang Theory.

And on top of all that, the death of Colin Robinson--

it has, I must confess, hit me quite hard.

Life is precious.

Even so-called eternal life can be snuffed out

at a moment's notice.

Colin Robinson's head imploding into a pile of goo

has made me realize that I need to make the most of my life.

Which is why I've decided to leave Staten Island

and travel the world. What?

Visit the Great Fjords of whatever country they're in.

Get a job on one of those boats that collect plastic

from the ocean. What the hell are you talking about?

Guillermo, did I not tell you all this already? No.

Sorry. Would you mind giving us a moment? Sorry.

Can you just give us one minute?

Thank you so much. Appreciate it.

Careful with the rug.

You can't make any rational decisions right now

because you're dealing with Colin Robinson's death

and you're running away from your feelings.

Yeah. So what? I hate my feelings.

You know what, this plan, it sounds great out loud,

but I-I, I just can't drop everything that I'm doing.

I have duties, you know. Responsibilities.

Like, my mom is here. I can't just pack a bag

and go on a world tour with you at the drop of a hat.

You're not coming with me.

What?

You are one of the things I need to get away from

to make a fresh start.

No offense.

Okay, well, how you gonna travel?

Just by night? You're just gonna carry

your ancestral dirt with you and your coffin wherever you go?

That-that's insane. Yes, you're right.

There's a lot of details to figure out.

And you are going to figure them out for me.

Oh, surprise, surprise. As your last duty.

My sweet, sweet Guillermo.

You don't understand because?

I'm not a vampire.

Yes! Trust me,

Nadja and Laszlo, they are itching to get away.

These vampire pods, they don't last forever.

And I'm not gonna be the last one in here

all alone like a fucking loser.

I would rather not talk about the death

of Shmolin Shmobinson because my dear husband Laszlo

is having a bit of a hard time dealing with it.

What are you talking about?

I said you were having a hard time dealing

with Colin Robinson's very disgusting and tragic death.

Well, that would be bullshit, then, wouldn't it, my darling?

I couldn't give a tinker's fig.

People die all the time.

Animals die, plants die.

Oh, Gizmo, it's just you.

It's kind of important.

Can't you see I'm doing my talking-to-the-camera thing?

I'm busy. Shoo!

...by lunchtime I was in the whorehouse

with two prostitutes and three good-time boys.

Hold on, I've just had the best idea.

I think I might know just the thing

to cheer you up, my love.

I don't need cheering up.

How's about me and you take a lovely little trip

back to merry old England? No.

We could get a red bus and make love in it.

We could get a black cab and make love in it.

We could go to Madame Tussaud's and look around.

If I were to need rest and recuperation

for my dear friend's death, that fuck hole would be

the last place on Earth

that I would choose to go back to.

You know this. I made a precious vow

never to go back there again. Laszlo! Ugh!

United Kingdom? United Ding-dong, more like.

Nadja, Nadja, I really need your help.

It's about Nandor.

I suppose we just wait. I don't know.

We have a problem.

You are not the only one with problems, Gizmo!

Look at you. "Oh, everyone feel sorry for me

"'cause I'm a pathetic human,

"and I can't fly, and all I do is

sit on the toilet all day."

Well, what about my needs? Look. Look at this.

Uh, that's not how that works.

Oh, you do it! Okay.

This is a glass paperweight,

and this is the TV control.

We push this in... Patronizing.

...and play.

-This is not taping over RuPaul, is it? No, no.

-'Cause I haven't seen the latest episode. It's a fresh...

-Okay, good. What? We're recording.

Oh. Ahem.

Dark greetings, Nadja of Antipaxos.

You must know by now that I've had my eye on you

for quite some time.

Your work on your local Vampiric Council

has been quite impressive. Yas, queen.

Everyone is going on about it.

And thus, we would be delighted for you to join us

in London, in England,

where you will take a position that ranks amongst

the highest of all worldwide Vampiric Council positions.

We do hope you'll accept this offer promptly,

because as you know, vampires hate waiting.

Even though we're immortal, waiting is just still a thing.

So, if you accept, as fast as you can,

tape your acceptance speech on a VHS tape, and then

put it in an envelope and send it by mail,

and eventually it'll get to us.

This is your last ch...

You're thinking of leaving, too?

Of course I want to leave.

It is such a great honor and opportunity,

and I would have a chance to finally do something

with my stupid eternal life.

But it is not to be.

Good. What?!

I mean, uh, why?

Because Laszlo will never go back to England.

You heard him. He has sworn it.

But I cannot leave him on his own.

You know, I went on holiday for two weeks in 1924,

and when I got back, he hadn't fed himself once.

He spent all his time writing poetry and wanking.

So, no, I can't go.

So you're saying if Laszlo doesn't go,

then you certainly won't go?

I literally just said that to you.

I know it seems like I'm panicking,

but I'm not panicking. It's just that I'm afraid

it's like a party; as soon as one person leaves the party,

another person decides it's okay for them to leave the party,

and before you know it, the whole party's over.

And you devoted 12 years of your life

to a certain type of party,

and it's not gonna end like this!

Sorry.

Hey...

Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,

I just had a question.

If this has anything to do with the fact that

I won't let anybody touch Colin Robinson's body,

yet I myself have not been down to the basement

to pay my respects, I can answer that.

There's nothing down there. Only a bag of skin.

Plus I find that kind of sentimental gesture

fucking tawdry.

No, no, that wasn't it. I wasn't--

No, it was just a random question that I was--

What do you think about England? Is it a cool place to live?

No, it is absolutely not a cool place to live.

Why not? You want to know a story about

England and the English way? Yeah.

I used to be a member of a club.

The Sherwood Club of London.

My father was a member of a club

called the Sherwood Club of London.

His father was a member of a club

called the Sherwood Club of London.

You get where I'm going with this? I think so.

Anyway, treachery was afoot, and I was expelled

from the Sherwood Club of London.

The decision was unanimous.

So I left the UK and came here,

to the New World.

To the land of opportunity,

where men-- and, I'm told, some women--

can be kings of their own castle.

Where industrialists can rub shoulders with chimney sweeps.

My late friend Walt Whitman said to me,

-"You'd better put that away, Laszlo..." So you're saying

you would never, ever go back to England.

Yes, I am.

I would never, ever,

ever, ever, ever

go back to England.

Well, there you have it.

Oh.

There's the bell. Five minutes, vamps.

Time to get back to the portrait.

Tell him to fuck off.

I'm busy here. All right.

Plus, that conversation about my homeland

has given me the pip.

Of course. I shall need ten minutes to recover.

Hel-lo.

Your English is coming along nicely.

Hey, guys. Hey. Hey...

You see? You have made progress.

I have to remind myself that vampires always make

these grandiose plans, but they never see them through.

Everything's gonna be A-ok... It's a map.

It's a cape.

It's a mape! I'll tell you what,

world travel looks good on you, Nandor. Thank you.

Oh, hi, Guillermo. Good news.

She is an expert on international vampire travel.

It's true. I book all the trips for the Vampiric Council.

Really the only fun part of my job. Yes.

Anyway, we figured out all the details

so you don't have to worry about a thing. No.

I mean, I don't think you've thought of everything.

I mean, what about... The coffin? Super easy.

All you need is international bill of lading,

and that's kind of it. Really?

Here's a tip. Yes?

Put your ancestral soil in your Jansport

so it's always on your back, and you can just lie down anywhere.

What's a Jansport? It's a backpack. It's a backpack.

It's a very popular backpack. It's a children's backpack.

That's smart. That's very smart.

Anyone could have thought of that. Let's celebrate.

Master, listen to me.

Nadja and Laszlo aren't leaving after all.

So you don't have to worry about being all by yourself.

But I'm excited for this trip now.

It's gonna be a real eat, prey, love kind journey for me.

What do you mean? You're gonna pray?

Well, how am I gonna eat if I don't prey on people, dummy?

Now, you must travel by railway and always at night.

It's the only way to stay safe.

Plus, it's usually much cheaper.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I cannot wait to see all the wonders of the world.

The Colossus of Rhodes.

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

The beautiful unmarred face of the Sphinx.

Ah, cheers to that!

We should finish our portrait. Come on, everybody!

Shall we? Absolutely.

And there are so many

wonderful vampire hosts

I can hook you up with. Oh, please.

You know, you spend your whole life wanting

to shoot in New York; Brooklyn in this case.

We were at Steiner Studios.

And then you find yourself so far from your family,

it gets kind of lonely. I have to say something.

I'm sorry, Donal Logue. Quite all right.

I know that we're all a little bit shaken up

by the death of Colin Robinson. Speak for yourself.

I'm as dry as a nun's doodah.

Well, regardless, we have to remember

that there's the family that you're born into,

and then there's your chosen family.

That's what we are.

We're a chosen family, and it's a rare thing...

I've been offered a job in England,

and I want to move there! Whoo-hoo!

Over my dead body.

Well, it seems everyone's getting into it now.

I have decided to leave the island of Staten,

travel the world and rediscover my groove.

You are so selfish, Laszlo! She's right.

I made a vow never to return to that cack house

ever, ever again.

But why? You know why.

The British are a pack of classist wankers. Here, here.

And those fuckers expelled me

from the Sherwood... From the Sherwood Club.

Yes, I know. You have told me so many times.

Yeah, I've told you so many times,

but I've never told you why.

And now I will.

I always thought it was because of

all the whores and the whoring.

They don't give a fuck about

whores and whoring, my darling.

They didn't even care that I was a vampire.

What they did object to, however, was the fact

that I fell in love and eventually married

the most beautiful, simple girl.

A girl with no surname,

no social standing.

They actually called her a peasant girl.

A girl from a tiny village on a dirt island

in the Mediterranean.

That girl is the most beautiful girl

I have ever known.

That girl's name-- yes, my darling--

Is my name? Is your name. Nadja.

Oh, snap. Snap, indeed, Donal.

But, my dark baby,

I will be returning to England to assume a position

on the Supreme Vampiric Council.

Wait, what?

We would be going back as the tip of the tops

of the upper classes.

Really? Yeah.

Well, that changes pretty much fucking everything.

Count me in. No, no, Laszlo,

You made a lifelong vow to never go back

to that shithole, remember? Didn't you hear what she just said?

We're gonna rule the fucking place.

Rule Britannia!

Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now I'm ready.

Now I am ready.

So romantic. Great! Oh, yeah, get some.

It is decided, we will all move on from this place

and regroup elsewhere. Yes. Whoo-hoo!

I think we should all just take a second, breathe.

You know, just take a deep breath.

And, I mean, the portrait's not even done, so we could...

No, it's almost done. What?

And that's that.

So, you're all free to go about doing

whatever the hell it was you were doing before.

Plus, I just got a text from my agent

that I have to do a self-tape for a CBS pilot,

so Logue out.

Always a drama with this little rascal.

I will fix.

You know, usually when someone is upset,

they go to their own room,

but I understand why you would come to my room,

as it is a far superior room to yours.

Which probably makes you feel even more depressed.

Is this your attempt at cheering me up? Guillermo...

You want us to go through this one more time? Hmm?

It is a very dangerous world out there.

You're joking, right? It's me who's been protecting you!

So what, you shooed away some assassins; who gives a shit?

If it wasn't for me, you would be dead by now.

If not by assassins then by my very own hands

because I am, and I will remind you,

by birth and lineage, a vampire killer.

And the only reason you're alive is because...

I let you live.

What did you just say?

I said, the only reason you're alive

is because I

let you live.

My poor, dear thing.

You forgot that we hypnotized you

to make it physically impossible for you to harm me

or any or your masters.

Do you remember that? Hmm?

No, because we used hypnosis.

Hypnosis doesn't work on me.

I just let you think it did so you wouldn't feel weak.

I never feel weak, my furry little friend!

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Master, your-your sword needs polishing.

It does?

Hey!

Plancha! Don't you dare!

Ow.

Once a familiar, always a familiar!

Uh-uh-uh.

You almost hit John!

Yes, yes, finally.

This is what I've been waiting for.

What? Put the crucifix away, Guillermo.

You have passed the test.

What test?

I have been worried that you have been going a little soft.

But tonight, you have proved to me finally

that you can take care of yourself.

And more importantly,

you can take care of me.

Guillermo de la Cruz,

will you do me the honor...

of accompanying me on my journey around the world?

If you're scared of me right now...

If you accompany me on this journey,

when we arrive at the banks of the River Tigris

in my homeland of Al-Qolnadar,

you will take a knee,

and I will make you...

a vampire.

Really? My word

is my bond.

Then yes. Yes, of course I'll go with you, Master.

There will be plenty of time for that kind of thing.

Right. Well...

you should go, start making arrangements.

Yes.

Let our great journey commence!

That little fucker can really move when he wants to.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss this house, but...

definitely won't miss cleaning it.

It'll be sad to say bye to Nadja and Laszlo.

They're off on a big adventure now,

so I'm really happy for them.

Don't you even fucking dare!

But the real thing I'm looking forward to is...

traveling the whole world with my Nand-master.

Just the two of us.

Master. Yes?

You need to hurry up. I still have to help

Nadja and Laszlo load their coffin into the boat.

And then you and I are catching a midnight train.

Why are you helping them when my ancestral soil needs scooping?

Because it's the last time I can say goodbye to them.

I thought you'd understand. Oh, Guillermo.

Fine, I will allow it.

But don't think for one second I'll be getting into the habit

of scooping my own soil. No, of course not.

Oh. Can you take my luggage to the train station?

I don't want to carry it to the dock

and then have to carry it back...

Hey! What, am I working for you now?

I'm kidding, Guillermo.

I will take your bag for you.

Okay, gracias.

Knock, knock, Mr. Relentless. Hi.

Hello. I just wanted to say goodbye.

Thank you. I got you a little card.

"Bon voyage."

Those are the wraiths' signatures.

Oh. Some of them don't know how to write,

and others once did but have long since forgotten,

so I just dipped their claws in ink

and let them go at it.

Smart.

Thank you.

Should we hug now, or...?

I think it would be too much.

Okay. Nandor, I have come to bid you adieu.

You are a vampire I have known for a while now,

and now our time together has ended.

Cheers! Bye! Ha!

Nadja, Laszlo, vámonos!

We have to go!

Don't you dare shout at me, Guillermo!

I could suck out all of your bodily fluids

in less than two seconds.

Not gonna miss that. Laszlo?

Where are you? It's time to get to...

Oh.

What were you doing in the basement, my dear?

Nothing. Just taking care of some business.

Oh, my sweet love.

Were you finally saying goodbye to the decaying corpse

of your very dead friend Colin Robinson?

Something like that.

Are you okay? Do you need a bit more time?

Not at all. I feel fine.

Let's rock and roll.

We're missing three boxes of porn.

♪

Whoo-hoo! Guillermo, my things.

Coming. Ah, smell the sea.

I do love a journey.

And I went ahead and downloaded

all the seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race.

Thank you very much, Guillermo.

It has been... nice.

Yeah.

My darling, I will see you

when we are kissing the ground of your native land

and make love on the bones of those who scorned you.

Safe passage, my darling.

Are you in? Yes. Lock me up.

Right. Now, come on, don't fuck about, get that in.

Why do you have water and food if you can't even eat it?

It's Oreos and Pedialyte.

This stuff's worth its weight in gold where I come from.

I can barter that and get anything I want.

Makes sense. Well, this is it.

Indeed. All right.

Yeah. Okay.

Right.

Safe fare.

You, too.

It's a lot of Oreos.

Make sure you look after my wife.

What? Aah! No! No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

What the fuck?! Master!

Wait for me!

Help! Let me out! Let me out, Laszlo!

Laszlo, please don't! Hello! Hello?

Hey...

All aboard!

Guillermo...!

You coming or staying?

♪

My dearest Nadja,

you must be deucedly cross with me for my subterfuge.

But you have Gizmo at your side,

if he has not expired or drowned in his own filth

during the transatlantic crossing.

I did cut a small hole in the bottom of the coffin,

so if he is either accurate or persistent,

he should be fine.

But I digress.

Guillermo is a damn good bodyguard.

He will keep you safe.

But the truth is, my darling,

you don't need anyone to keep you safe.

Okay, so, this is my trinkets case.

Over these past 200 or 300 years,

Hurry up! you have grown into a strong,

bold, independent woman of the world.

It is a strange and dangerous netherworld we inhabit,

and I once thought you too weak and defenseless

to navigate it on your own,

and that you needed me about at all times

to take care of you.

But that is no longer true, were it ever so.

Um...

safe passage, Colin Robinson.

Not much more to say.

What's that...

Oh, my...

What the fuck?

What?

Shit. There are, it seems,

others in our world...

What's this shit?

...whose future is far less certain,

whose existence

is even more terrifying and mysterious than our own...

...who actually are weak and defenseless,

who need protection and care.

Hello?

Shit.

♪ Our love is young♪

♪ It shines so bright♪

♪ Don't ever let♪

♪ It vanish♪

♪ In the night♪

-♪ Don't wake too soon♪

And a little to the right.

Almost.

A little more to the right.

Just squaring it up.

And a little to...

♪ Our love is young♪

♪ Like a bird♪

♪ It hovers near us♪

♪ Tread with care♪

♪ Lest it should hear us♪

♪ Seize it now♪

♪ Before it flies away♪

♪ Don't let it go♪

♪ Our love is young♪

♪ So very young.♪

Everything you want to know about vampires,

it's right here.

I'm in love. She's half-chicken

Nobody's perfect

Bat!

Cash or card?

I will not be paying for anything. Got it.

They have wellness vampires now.

Stretch those hammies!

Feel the burn!

She has changed my life.

We're not safe here.

We don't really live in this world.

We feed off of it.

Aliens.

Mother of God!

How have you not gone insane?

Once you sell your soul, it's gone.

Boom!

It's breaking all the rules.

And I'm here for that.

It happened pretty fast.

The world has changed.

His survivor's classified.

Nobody can know about him.

People are going to have to pick sides.

I think it's going to get worse

before it gets better.

Run!

I imagine that you attract

quite a bit of attention.

You know, more than before. That's for sure.

Hillary.

Hillary, wake up.

I'm sorry.

For what?