Original subtitles

I'm pretty certain

it might be this way.

This is it. The big night.

Our first Vampiric Council tribunal.

Let the Ceremony of Judgment commence!

Where we once stood as prisoners sentenced to death,

we will now be sitting as judge and jury.

- You're gonna die, and you're gonna...

- Fuck!

Never sneak up on a vampire like that, Guillermo.

How did you even get down here? - What do you mean?

I've been down here for 20 minutes,

- waiting for you guys. - Oh.

Well, is it this way, or is it that way?

I think it's... It's back this way. -

Fucking Guide.

I've been standing behind you for half an hour.

- What? - Silently watching you.

Breathing in your scent.

Smelling your musk.

So... is it this way or...?

Oh, no, no. It's back this way.

-Oh, good. -Yes, you missed it. Come along, everyone.

Our neighbor Sean has kindly invited us to his

for what he described as a "boys-only night."

Now, I gleefully assumed

that that would be some kind of circle jerk.

- Oh, I don't think that's what he meant. - No, it isn't.

Anyway, I've invited Colin Robinson...

: Ah, mui, mui mesa love you.

Is that a friend of yours?

Mesa Jar Jar Binks.

Ooh. That's a nice voice.

You don't find this voice annoying?

I think it's very funny, indeed, Colin.

My Uncle Fulvio

did all the repaneling in here, so it's looking real nice. Oh!

- Frankie, Mikey! Hey!

You remember my old buddy Laz and, uh, his friend

- Robinson Caruso. - Yo! - Hey.

What you dudes watching? Ah,

local community college hockey, you know.

The purest form of sport is

community college because you get 'em

- right after high school, and, uh... - Come on, move. Move.

- Before they really... Robbie Robertson.

You make a better door than a window, okay?

I have heard that. Shut up.

- They want you to get out of the way, Colin Robinson. - Oh. Okay.

Just have a seat. Just have a seat. I brought these

especially for the occasion.

- Oh!

Look at that. - Don't ask me where I got them from.

I, too,

- have a little gift. - Oh.

You guys are into the whole Agatha Christie thing,

right? Murder mystery games?

"Mrs. Honeychurch and the Hanging

-at 'Vykrage Valet.'" -"Hanging at... Vicarage Valley."

Yeah. It'll take a while to play,

but I think if we start now, we should be done by dawn.

Fuck.

Hmm?

Eh...

Yes.

Okay, okay, don't make a big deal out of it. Okay, do.

-Do make a big deal of it. Come on. -Yes.

I feel like this is my wedding day.

But I shouldn't be wearing white.

Very good.

- Very good. - All right. Well, I will be the one who says that.

But before we continue,

there is just one more thing we have to check off our list.

- Come on in. - NANDOR: Ooh. Oh.

This is a conduct/harassment training video

that our human resources department put together

as mandatory viewing for all employees.

- Okay? - Okay, fine. - Okay, let's get it over with.

All right.

- So, that's it, then? Yes.

So, that just means anything and everything goes here.

He smacks me on the ass, you finger me,

I stroke him off, et cetera, et cetera.

Mm-mm.

We have found it to be good for team building.

So anything and everything goes?

Yes. We have sort of fallen into doing it all

- on a Thursday night to get it out of the way. Oh.

Otherwise, it can be very exhausting.

Now, I know you both agreed to be coleaders,

but the fact remains: only one of you

can sit on the throne. Who will it be?

- Uh, me, thank you. - Fine, I'll do it. - : No.

Let her have the throne. Power is won

- by those who seem to least desire it. But the throne

- is a big deal, and I want to sit on it. - And you will.

Stop touching me. - What are you two whispering about?

Guys? It's a one-person throne, okay?

What is so hard about this?

I mean, who wields the ultimate power?

The one who sits on the throne?

- Nadja may sit on the throne.

Or the one who challenges the throne-sitter?

- Thank you, Nandor. - Yes.

Or perhaps it's the person

who whispers into both their ears.

So, at the time in question, I was having a brandy

with Vicar Wilson in the, uh,

- tack room or some shit. - Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, how-how you guys been, uh,

- sleeping lately, huh? Uh, you know, not too bad.

- I actually been taking this melatonin stuff... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear that.

I've been sleeping like shit, too, you know?

My neck's been all stiff, and, uh, my knees,

-they've been swelling. It's really bad. So, hold on.

- Is Frank dead? No.

- Frank? I'm Frank. Oh, right.

I'm having a brandy with the-the vicar.

- Gotcha. Am I the vicar?

- You're the vicar. My lower back!

Oh, forget about it. It was terrible.

But then I got this new pillow,

which is not available in stores,

- and, uh... - Well, how did you get it, then?

Stop asking so many questions.

Anyway, it's an incredible product.

It totally changed my life.

Okay. Yeah, cool. Oh, hey,

- you guys hear, uh, Kevin got laid off? - No.

- Yeah. For real. - Kevin?

I've been sleeping like a baby now.

Really sleeping like a baby

thanks to this brand-new, state-of-the-art pillow.

What the fuck is its name?

Hold on. Hold on. I'll be right back.

- Hold that thought. You see this hockey match?

We played a game exactly like that at Eton. Difference is,

we didn't play with a puck. We played with a cock.

- A cock that had been hardened... Can we actually

get back to your friend who was fired?

- : Da-da-da-da! - Oh, Kevin. Yeah, it was brutal.

- He got... - It's called the Guy Pillow.

- For the man who sleeps. Ooh.

Yeah, yeah, like that guy, uh, on TV. Mike Lindell, right?

That's the MyPillow, and this is the Guy Pillow.

- They're completely different. All right.

Simmer down, Sean. We can't all be pillow experts.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Can we get back to the game?

Yeah. I got a card.

Okay, stop twisting my arm, guys.

I'll give you a demo, all right?

Does the pillow come with the pillowcase?

Yeah, I'm glad you asked that, Laz.

It's a hypoallergenic pillowcase,

and, yeah, the whole shebang comes for what? $49.99.

- What? - What the fuck? - Seanie,

- 50 bucks for a fucking pillow? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is a quality pillow but for a value price.

But you know what I'm gonna do? Because you guys are my friends,

I'm gonna knock ten bucks off the top.

- That's $39.99 apiece. Whoa, whoa.

-Wait. You're selling these things? You kidding me?

-These things sell themselves. So, who's in? -Uh...

- The Ceremony of Judgment

will now commence.

- Wait, I was gonna...

Okay, stop!

- Stop. I'm not ready. No, no.

So, back to one. I don't... I'm so sorry.

- What seems to be the problem? - Nandor is very tall.

When he stands, his face is much higher

than my face 'cause I am sat on the throne.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you, Guillermo.

Here's a thought.

Perhaps we just remove the throne

- from the equation. Here's a thought.

Can we get this going already?

Remove the throne!

Ah, shit.

- Ooh! Ooh, that's... - Aah!

Ay-ay-ay-ay.

That's-that's plenty. Thank you, wraiths.

- That's plenty. Thank you.

- Gonna be hard to get that out. Okay, we good?

- Everyone good? Yes. - NANDOR: Yes.

- Great.

Let the Ceremony of Judgment commence!

- Can't I just say it once?

Okay, stop!

What now? - It looks so dumb

with the throne just sitting there empty.

She does make a good point.

You guys, just take five. Honestly, don't go far.

What you really should do

is stop acting like a bunch of jabronis

and get, like, 25 of these things each.

Well, I don't usually sleep with 25 pillows.

News flash. You don't use these.

You buy extras,

and then you sell 'em to your stupid friends

for a little do-re-mi for yourself.

Laz, come on.

I don't use a pillow.

Okay. Well, Mikey.

Come on. I mean, we used to sleep

- in the same bed. Hey, buddy,

I don't know what to tell you, you know?

All my friends are in this room, you know?

- No. You know what?

Fine. I mean, what does it matter?

Don't buy any, huh?

You bunch of fucking backstabbers.

Who cares about Sean, right?

- Fuck me, right? Sean.

Fuck me? Well, fuck you!

- Oh! You are gonna regret it when you didn't get in

on the ground floor of this superior product!

Fucking Sean.

You all right, Sean?

Honestly, Laz? I'm not doing too good.

I was hoping you were getting, like, 25 pillows,

and I was counting on, uh, you know, Newman Robinson

or whatever the fuck his name is.

- Who? - The guy who looks like a fetus.

- Oh, right. - And then Nandor and his boyfriend

don't even show up? I mean...

Well, I wouldn't take that personally.

Listen, I know. It's just...

Nandor looks like he's a real big sleeper, right?

I could sell him, like, 40 large.

And then, you know, the little guy,

listen, get him for ten, okay? He's poor.

I mean, he wears the same cardigan everywhere.

I sense there's something else that's bothering you.

All right. All right.

You got to promise me you're not gonna tell a soul.

- I won't tell a soul. - Charmaine doesn't even know.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Okay, are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.

All right. Hey, whoa, whoa!

I got a cousin like that, but that's not me.

- Really? - Yeah, I respect you and everything...

Okay. You won't remember anything

about how you attempted to seduce me just now.

Continue with your tale.

I'm in too deep.

I bought a lot, a lot of pillows.

I mean, somany.

How many pillows?

Shit. - Yeah. I haven't sold that many,

so I can't pay back the guy who sold them to me.

And, uh, now he's taking me to small-claims court.

So, how many of these have you actually sold?

Three.

- Yeah. Charmaine wanted one,

but you can't sell them to women because...

- it's a men's-only pillow. - Men's-only pillow.

Says so on the box.

Yeah, yeah, it's legally binding.

Court date's tomorrow night. I'm scared, Laz.

I don't want you to worry about this one second longer.

I think I can get you out of this hole.

I could kiss you, Laz!

Maybe we could just put

a sheet or a cloth over it or something.

The throne is a very important symbol in the ceremony.

Hmm.

Well, I have an idea, but... Forget it.

I have too many things to do today.

- No, go on, Guillermo. - No, what is it?

Well...

I was thinking,

why don't we put me in the robe,

and I'll sit on the throne?

I mean, I'm obviously not a vampire,

but they don't know that.

And I think that, you know, the symbolism will hold.

- Worth a shot, I guess. - Works for me. - An elegant solution.

Okay. I love symbolism, so...

A little bit higher.

It's all a big game of chess.

I just didn't say who was playing who... m. Whom.

Go faster!

Yeah!

I'm getting dizzy.

-All right. Uh, Iorek the Knavish.

The wraiths look much more disgusting

than I remember them looking.

Oh, yeah. We have them wear special masks

for the Ceremonies of Judgment.

Makes them look much scarier.

Number Five? Wrong mask! Again!

Every time with that one.

Thank you. So, continuing...

Iorek the Knavish,

you stand charged with selling

your fellow vampires a so-called magical herb

which you claimed would protect them

from the ill effects of sunshine.

Oh, that would be nice.

: Yes, indeed, it would be.

If it worked!

Please watch.

How did you obtain this footage?

- The Crow-Cam.

Ah. Hello.

It's gone.

Nandor, it is clearly vampicide.

Yes, multiple vampicide.

Well, then, we should kill him.

Um, it might not be a bad idea

to kick off our reign with something

that shows a bit more mercy?

Yeah, hmm?

Is there a cell

that he can be cast away in

for hundreds of years?

- As you wish.

For how many years specifically?

- 500 years! - A hundred.

-150. -Two years is fine. Just two is good.

Our next offender stands accused

of breaking just about every rule

by which we vampires keep our presence

on this earth a secret.

- - Ugh. Boo! Okay, so, hear me out.

If you tell me the rules, I'd be down to follow them.

If I may please continue?

Yes. Thank you.

Derek is a member of the Mosquito Club.

It was that, uh, vigilante vampire-hunting group

that I joined accidentally. Accidentally joined.

- My man. And then we went

to that weird house with the vampire family,

and they attacked us.

Come on! Let's go! We did it!

- We actually found the...

And he was left behind. I-I left him behind.

- Where's Derek? - It's too late for him now.

I've had to live with that every day since that night, so...

I-I-I thought he was dead.

Derek,

you have accrued the following charges:

turning into a bat on the subway

in an attempt to scare teenagers,

stealing IV bags

from blood donor centers across the city...

Also, what are you wearing?

You are wearing bad vampire fashions.

- That is the most heinous crime! Well, I mean,

I didn't know where to get proper vampire finery,

but the Hot Topic at the mall had some really great stuff.

I mean, they're fast fashion, but...

If I may continue?

Feeding on bystanders out in the open

who have fallen asleep on park benches.

What's the alternative?

Owning an unlicensed hellhound.

- - I'm sorry, y-you mean Aspen? - Hey, boy.

- Nandor, be careful. - Are you in there?

Stay back! Aspen!

- - Sit! - If I may please continue?!

- Sorry. We've got a lot to do!

Sorry, yes.

Owning an unlicensed hellhound.

Oh, that was actually it. Sorry. We're done.

- Okay. These crimes you have committed

are despicable!

What do you have to say for yourself?

- I don't know. Whoops?

That was a shit response,

- wasn't it? I-I'm sure

what he meant to say is that surely

there's an explanation somehow, right?

I guess I just do fucked-up shit now.

That's just who I am.

A vampire that draws attention to vampirism

is a threat to all vampires everywhere.

Yes. And, also, I was thinking,

because we showed the other man mercy,

for this one, I think we just balls to the wall,

just go fucking crazy.

I agree completely.

- Well, I think that... - Then we are of one brain!

We sentence you

- to death! - Death.

- I'm sorry, come again? Derek, you are

hereby sentenced to be thrown into the Well of Daylight,

where you will die

- by the rays of tomorrow's sunrise.

: Derek. Hey.

- Guillermo. Hey, dude. Just wanted

to stop by and say, um... I'm sorry.

This is all my fault. I could've done more.

It should've been me that was left behind.

No, no, no. There's no way you could've known... Ah!

- No, Derek, stay away from the sun. - Ah!

I thought that was obvious.

Well, you know, I sort of wish

maybe you'd looked me up and, I don't know,

given me a rule book or something.

Is there even a rule book... Ah! Goddamn it!

Get out of the sun, Derek!

- No! Just follow

the sound of my voice! This way.

- Geez.

- That is gonna scab.

I thought that would be common sense to... You know what?

Here. Put this on and cover yourself with it, okay?

Don't move. I'm gonna get you out of here.

Thanks, Guillermo.

Ah, damn it!

You know, I've been thinking...

Oh, great.

I was actually surprised that you let Nadja

talk you into killing that Derek guy.

I didn't let Nadja talk me into doing anything.

Really? And yet you let Nadja steamroll over you like that...

- Are you done? - Yes, but...

- Good. - You said...

I thought I had mastered the game.

Just whispering in people's ears.

- Between you and I... - Hmm?

Calling the shots.

People have been saying that

you just sentenced that Derek guy to death because

: you let Nandor walk all over you.

Have a fucking day off, Guillermo.

No one said that. Please do not talk anymore.

But I think I really biffed this one.

Garry Degen v. Sean Rinaldi?

Present and accounted for, Your Honor.

It says here you have representation?

: Oh, yeah.

Have no fear. Here I am.

Sean has been done an injustice,

and I won't stand for it. Luckily for him,

I am no stranger to the song and dance of the courtroom,

for I myself used to be a barrister on the Queen's Bench.

Mainly representing myself for crimes

such as soliciting and pornography.

But I've mainly defended a lot of hogs.

And horses.

What is this, some kind of Hamiltonthing?

- What? Your Honor, if I may,

New York State Statute 82

clearly states that legal counsel's attire cannot be

- discriminated against. All right, fine.

Oh, yeah. I googled that this morning

when I saw him in that old lady's wig.

My only other duty as his de facto paralegal seems to be

hauling around his file boxes, which...

Between you and me...

Mostly contain pornography.

Now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen,

I feel a huge injustice has occurred here today,

- and it needs addressing. - And what's that?

Well, this chap has the hair of a pedophile.

I've got to be honest, I haven't stepped inside a court

for about 300 years.

- Objection! - This is your fourth

objection in the last minute, Mr. Cravensworth. Overruled.

- Objection. - What about?

Objection?

So, my techniques

and my methods might be a bit old-fashioned.

May I approach the bitch?

- What did you say?

I said, "May I approach the bench?"

- Ah. - What did youthink I said?

Right. I'm ready to wrap this up.

The common man... whether he be Neanderthal, troglodyte...

They all deserve their day in court.

A slice of a fair system, wouldn't you say?

I think I've heard enough, thank you.

Judgment for the plaintiff

in the amount of $12,700.

- What's she talking about?

We lost.

What the fuck?

- : Fuck.

- I need to see Nadja. No, no.

- Nadja? - No, no, bro.

She's not there. Come on. God, you're heavy.

I think I'm gonna puke. - What happened?

Well, he lost a court case

and he took it pretty hard, and we went to a bar

- to... help him unwind.

- Wait, Laszlo's a lawyer? - : Yeah.

We met some finance guys, and next thing you know,

double-fisting drinks.

They take off, we lose track of Laz.

- - They must've gone out barhopping or something.

Oh, I can't believe this is the first time

I'm inside your guys's place. You must do a lot of antiquing.

Nope. Don't touch that.

Jennifer the Dreadfully Loathsome,

we would like to officially apologize for the distress

your name has caused you, and we hereby

grant you permission to change your name henceforth.

Yes. - As requested, you will be known

as Gabby the Dreadfully Loathsome.

- Gabby. - Congratulations, my love.

Thank you.

I think we're done, guys. Excellent day.

Wait!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What is the meaning of this outburst, Guillermo?

He's supposed to be ashes by now.

The prisoner was sentenced to death.

And by some miracle... escaped.

-What are you talking about? You helped me... Oh. -Shut...

He escaped! But a-according to

Codicil 18 of the Vampiric Council Code of Conduct...

I just made that up.

Codicil 18: The prisoner is entitled to...

a defense attorney!

Oh, for fuck's sake...

-All rise. The Honorable Laszlo...

Well, you-you know who he is.

My lords and ladies of...

- jury. - Ugh.

Eh...

Um...

Is there any more? Okay... great.

He's never been very good with his blood liquor.

If I may quote my favorite comedian, Monty Python,

: "We better get a bucket."

He's gonna throw up.

- I think he's gonna puke.

No! Before that, I think what he was

going to say is that he...

volunteers to take this young vampire under his wing.

Did he say that? Yes. And, of course,

make him, you know, work off his transgressions.

And also, uh, vouch for any future,

uh, uh, behavior of his. Right? Right, Laszlo?

- La-Laszlo?

That's a yes? - That's a yes.

I think it would be so lovely for him

if you just let him win this first case, just for Laszlo.

Please?

Okay, fine. I don't even care at this point.

- Release the prisoner.

Laszlo has won a case!

Very good. Well done, my love!

- You won your first case ever! - Well done. Well done, Laszlo.

Congratulations.

Guillermo, you, uh, you saved me.

Oh, no. Thank your l... yeah, all right.

Yeah. I guess it was kind of me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Guillermo, you step away

from that crate this instant.

- Get your hands off that lock

- immediately! Guillermo,

hellhounds are not to be trifled with.

Don't do this!

Did you ever stop and think

that maybe this creature was just hungry?

- Or afraid? - D-Don't. Don't open that door.

- Or both? - - Don't do it!

- Hey...! - There he is.

- Good boy. See?

He just needed some love and attention.

- Away, hellhound. Who's a good boy?

- Good boy. How is he doing that?

Maybe it's part of his magical DNA.

- Lay!

Good boy.

And he's got an enchanted nutsack as well, apparently.

Yes, good evening, sir.

Introducing the Guy Pillow.

For the man that has everything except...

: Nah. Not interested.

I... hereby... command you or whatever...

to not be a dick about this right now.