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Good evening, I'm Bret
Baier, and to clear the air, yes,
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I do look like someone made
a businessman in Minecraft.
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Tonight I am speaking to Vice President
Kamala Harris.
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Let's welcome her now to Fox News.
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Well, thank you, Bret.
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Pleasure to have you here with us.
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Thank you, Bret.
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The pleasure is neither about us.
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Well, thank you, Madam Vice President.
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Now, when I interviewed President Trump,
my first question was, what do you think
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is the most important issue facing our
nation?
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So my first question for
you is, give me the exact
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number of murderers you
let loose in this country.
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Well, Bret, I'm glad you brought up the
topic of immigration.
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A million?
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Two million?
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Okay, the first thing we did in office was
to introduce a bill.
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Ten million?
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Give me a number.
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Bret, we came up with a bipartisan bill.
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But did it have a number, though?
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May I please finish?
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I'm asking you to.
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Well, then you have to listen.
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Well, I can't because I'm talking.
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Well, when will you stop?
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Maybe when I go to bed.
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Okay.
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Bret, look.
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I am the only candidate who has prosecuted
transnational criminal organizations.
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I brought down the Sinaloa cartel.
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I brought down the Guadalajara cartel.
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If I was in Breaking Bad, it would have
ended in three episodes.
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Madam Vice President,
are you here to answer
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questions, or are you just
looking for a viral moment?
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Oh, please.
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I am not looking for a viral moment.
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See how I don't let men interrupt my
answers?
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Very demure, very mindful.
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Okay, now you're just throwing out memes.
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That is not true.
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I am here to reach across the aisle.
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Hundreds of Republicans have endorsed me
because in da clurb, we all fam.
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I'm not familiar with the clurb,
but are we all fam?
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Ma 'am, you've been pretty divisive.
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You've called Donald Trump unfit.
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Yes.
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Unstable.
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Yep.
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Not able to lead.
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Period.
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Unchecked.
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Did I stutter?
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Look, Donald Trump talks about the enemy
within.
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He said he would turn the military on the
American people.
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We actually asked the former president
about this today.
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Take a look.
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Mr. President, thank you for coming to
this women's town hall full of undecided
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women voters,
who we found at a Trump rally.
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Now, Kamala Harris has called you unhinged
and a danger.
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What do you say to that?
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You know, I heard about that.
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They said I was threatening.
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Not true.
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I would never threaten anything except
perhaps violence.
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But they do phony investigations.
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Okay, I've been investigated
more than Alphonse
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Capone, who famously
did nothing wrong.
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Scarface!
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Al Pacino.
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Pacino, you know, he said he briefly died
from COVID, one of the great hoaxes.
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You know, that was started by Joe Biden.
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The Biden crime family, right?
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Families are disappearing.
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You know, kids are... Kids
are going back to school.
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And they're coming back a different
gender.
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You know, they're going to Zoltar's and
they're coming back big.
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Swilly and Shane.
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You know, they're switching bodies.
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They're doing Freaky Fridays and Hannah
Montana's.
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You know, we're a failing country.
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America is a terrible place full of jerks
and idiots.
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But we love it.
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It's really bad.
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With all due respect, that is not the
right clip.
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Well, actually, it was.
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No, no, no.
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Well, he answered.
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He who?
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Look.
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No.
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You.
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Are.
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Going.
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To.
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Like.
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The.
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Way.
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You.
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Look.
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I guarantee it.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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Enough, Lego man.
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Just... Just play the
correct clip of Donald Trump.
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Fine.
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Roll it.
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YMCA.
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Oh!
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YMCA.
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Oh!
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YMCA.
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Oh!
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We're doing a music.
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We're doing a music.
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I think you have to admit, he makes a
pretty compelling argument.
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Look.
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He can dance all he wants.
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To YMCA.
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Or to any other music.
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Is there another song he doesn't realize
is a gay anthem?
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See, this election is about contrast.
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At my rallies, there's Beyoncé and joy and
bathrooms.
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At his rallies, he won't pay for the
buses.
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And hundreds of elderly people got to walk
back to their cars six miles through the
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desert like an Old Testament fire
festival.
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So are you saying Trump voters are
misguided?
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Are they stupid?
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Oh, no, I would never say that.
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Are they idiots who can't think for
themselves?
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Are they morons?
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Slack jaws?
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Stump humpers?
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Cross-eyed meatheads?
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Brett, Brett, you're trying real hard to
make me say something bad.
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But they're at least fat, right?
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Some of them are very fat.
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Okay, Brett, let's move on.
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Okay, fine.
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So you're not denying that they're fat?
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Oh, my dear God!
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You're very sexy when you're angry,
you know that?
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Yes, I do.
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Next question.
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I want to ask you about Joe Biden.
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Here's what he recently said about you and
your candidacy.
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Okay, look.
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Here's the deal.
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It's a total tragedy.
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I'm not kidding around.
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Everything she touches will be destroyed.
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No joke.
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Watch out, Florida.
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Brett, Brett, he's clearly talking about
the hurricane.
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He said, watch out, Florida.
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Why do you keep playing these misleading
clips?
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I don't, but here's some more.
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Folks, we have other problems on our
hands.
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I'm being serious.
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Come on.
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Four years ago, it was amazing.
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It was the guy you wanted.
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But now they got this girl.
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And people are going, what's she doing
here?
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Come on.
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Okay.
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Brett, you and I both know he's talking
about the new Joker movie with Lady Gaga.
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Can you keep rolling it, please?
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And why is she singing?
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What's a foley do?
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What's a gaga gaga guga?
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What is it?
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Come on.
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No Joker.
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No joke.
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Okay.
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Maybe you're right, but while...
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While we're on the topic,
when did you first notice
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that Joe Biden's mental
faculties were diminished?
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Brett, I have watched Joe Biden from the
Oval Office to the Situation Room.
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And Joe Biden is Joe bright.
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He is Joe brilliant.
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But my presidency will Joe basically Joe
be.
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Joe billion times Joe better.
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So your presidency would be different than
Biden's?
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Of course.
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We're very different.
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For example, I am comfortable saying the
word abortion.
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Gah!
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You can't handle that, Brett?
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Abortion.
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Gah!
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Uterus.
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No!
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Menstruation.
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You're lying!
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I've got to hit her back with the male
equivalent balls.
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Okay, Brett.
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I can handle that.
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I am here doing an interview
with an openly hostile
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network, and Trump has
canceled all of his interviews.
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That's not true.
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Donald Trump just did a town hall with his
sworn enemy Univision.
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Let's take a look.
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Mr. President.
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I want to give you the opportunity to win
back my vote.
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After what happened on January 6th,
why would I support you?
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I'm just going to make it crystal clear,
okay?
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January 6th was a day of love,
all right?
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Love and peace.
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It was basically Woodstock.
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People were being peaceful.
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No one died, except for the few that did.
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And so, now that I got your vote,
let's dance.
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Does he not listen to the lyrics?
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Before we wrap up, tell us why the
American people should vote for you.
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Because I have a plan.
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Oh, what is it?
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Well, I'm trying to tell you.
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I'm trying to listen.
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Then stop talking.
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I don't know how.
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Just shut your mouth.
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I don't think it does.
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Okay.
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May I finish?
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Go ahead.
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The American people...
Not now, though.
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The American people...
Are you excited for Wicked?
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The American people
are... That was fun, right?
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I had fun.
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We're out of time.
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Thanks for joining me.
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Okay.
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Before I go, can I just say the thing I've
been trying to say this whole time?
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Fine.
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Go ahead.
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Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
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It's Saturday Night Live...
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by CharadaBR
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with...
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Featuring...
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A film by Please Don't Destroy...
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00:10:59,218 --> 00:11:00,719
Musical Guest...
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00:11:01,208 --> 00:11:02,708
Billy Eilish
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00:11:04,416 --> 00:11:05,638
And your host...
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00:11:05,888 --> 00:11:07,111
Michael Keaton...
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00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:13,899
Ladies and gentlemen...
Michael Keaton!
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Thank you.
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00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:39,831
That's very nice.
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00:11:39,870 --> 00:11:45,719
Man, I am excited to be back here hosting
Saturday Night Live 50th season.
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50 years.
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00:11:49,170 --> 00:11:50,170
Man, that's amazing.
254
00:11:50,350 --> 00:11:53,672
You know, when this
show first premiered in 1975,
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00:11:53,673 --> 00:11:56,170
I was working on a
different show in Pittsburgh.
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00:11:56,290 --> 00:11:57,770
I was a P.A.
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00:11:57,771 --> 00:12:00,430
on Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood at WQED.
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00:12:00,590 --> 00:12:02,070
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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00:12:02,071 --> 00:12:06,294
And in the 70s, you know,
actually, SNL and Mr. Rogers
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00:12:06,295 --> 00:12:09,050
had a lot more
similarities than you'd think.
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00:12:10,970 --> 00:12:12,290
A lot of puppets.
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00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:14,950
Tons of cocaine.
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00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:18,310
Yeah, anyway...
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00:12:20,944 --> 00:12:21,710
Fred was a great guy.
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00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,226
He's everything you thought he was.
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00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:25,510
But right now, I want to talk
about this movie I have coming
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00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:28,770
out right now, which is
called Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.
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00:12:32,220 --> 00:12:35,800
And you know, with Halloween coming up,
I know I'm going to see a lot of those
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00:12:35,801 --> 00:12:39,346
little kids out there dressed just like
Beetlejuice, which is adorable.
270
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:44,700
And I'll also see a lot of grown men
dressed up like Beetlejuice, too.
271
00:12:45,220 --> 00:12:48,840
Usually guys in their 40s, which is less
adorable.
272
00:12:50,260 --> 00:12:52,060
The juice is loose.
273
00:12:52,180 --> 00:12:53,180
There you go.
274
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,860
Okay, Mikey Day.
275
00:12:55,861 --> 00:12:57,040
Hey, how you doing, man?
276
00:12:57,220 --> 00:12:58,220
Yeah, that's good.
277
00:12:58,380 --> 00:12:58,840
Woo!
278
00:12:59,260 --> 00:12:59,920
Come on!
279
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,080
Come on!
280
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:02,820
Hey, this is Mike.
281
00:13:02,821 --> 00:13:03,460
How's it going, Mike?
282
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:03,820
Sure.
283
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:04,700
I love Beetlejuice.
284
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:05,760
It's my favorite.
285
00:13:07,676 --> 00:13:08,600
Hey, can you do me a favor?
286
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,620
Can you say, it's showtime?
287
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,680
Look, to be honest, I don't even remember
how I said it.
288
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,420
Well, I do.
289
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:16,740
Okay, okay.
290
00:13:23,730 --> 00:13:25,170
Andy Samberg, you, too.
291
00:13:25,210 --> 00:13:26,210
Oh, yeah.
292
00:13:29,230 --> 00:13:30,230
That's right, Mike.
293
00:13:30,850 --> 00:13:31,850
Mike, here's the thing.
294
00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:32,910
I used to work here.
295
00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:38,390
And during my story tenure, I tried and
failed many times to get my B.J.
296
00:13:38,410 --> 00:13:39,090
into the show.
297
00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:40,130
Hey, hey, hey.
298
00:13:40,710 --> 00:13:41,870
Please don't say B.J.
299
00:13:41,910 --> 00:13:42,970
Just call him Beetlejuice.
300
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,250
Don't say the name.
301
00:13:44,310 --> 00:13:45,330
Three times and I'm gone.
302
00:13:46,830 --> 00:13:47,190
Remember?
303
00:13:47,550 --> 00:13:47,870
Yeah.
304
00:13:47,890 --> 00:13:48,570
From the film.
305
00:13:48,690 --> 00:13:49,090
So good.
306
00:13:49,590 --> 00:13:50,590
So good.
307
00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:52,930
But in all seriousness, Mike.
308
00:13:53,010 --> 00:13:53,410
Saying words.
309
00:13:53,570 --> 00:13:54,130
You hate him, right?
310
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:55,170
I hate him myself.
311
00:13:55,770 --> 00:13:56,770
Save that for later.
312
00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:57,866
Yeah, that's really great.
313
00:13:57,890 --> 00:13:58,590
That's really great.
314
00:13:58,650 --> 00:13:59,550
Let me ask you a question, though.
315
00:13:59,670 --> 00:14:02,650
Don't you normally play Doug Emhoff in the
cold open?
316
00:14:02,690 --> 00:14:02,950
No.
317
00:14:02,951 --> 00:14:03,370
Yeah.
318
00:14:03,650 --> 00:14:05,226
The writers couldn't jam him in this week.
319
00:14:05,250 --> 00:14:06,290
So here we find ourselves.
320
00:14:07,250 --> 00:14:07,650
Yeah.
321
00:14:07,730 --> 00:14:08,130
Yeah.
322
00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:08,790
I got you.
323
00:14:08,990 --> 00:14:09,990
I got you.
324
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:12,550
Hi.
325
00:14:13,090 --> 00:14:14,090
Oh, man.
326
00:14:14,490 --> 00:14:15,070
Oh, boy.
327
00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:15,390
Okay.
328
00:14:15,710 --> 00:14:17,590
I see Sherman lurking in the wings.
329
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:18,390
Sarah, really.
330
00:14:18,470 --> 00:14:18,690
Look.
331
00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:21,030
We don't have time for another
Beetlejuice.
332
00:14:21,250 --> 00:14:22,450
So... Oh, no.
333
00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:23,750
This is just how I dress.
334
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,830
But thank you so much.
335
00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:27,050
Know what I mean?
336
00:14:28,890 --> 00:14:31,830
You know, you guys are quoting a lot of
lines from the first movie.
337
00:14:31,831 --> 00:14:33,110
Did you see the second?
338
00:14:34,390 --> 00:14:34,990
Not yet.
339
00:14:35,030 --> 00:14:35,190
Yeah.
340
00:14:35,191 --> 00:14:35,670
It's on the list.
341
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:36,110
All right.
342
00:14:36,170 --> 00:14:36,310
All right.
343
00:14:36,311 --> 00:14:36,690
Yeah.
344
00:14:36,790 --> 00:14:37,190
Great.
345
00:14:37,550 --> 00:14:37,950
Okay.
346
00:14:38,350 --> 00:14:41,090
How long do you guys think you're gonna
stand up here with me?
347
00:14:41,270 --> 00:14:42,570
Until you do the voice.
348
00:14:42,630 --> 00:14:44,030
We'd really like to hear the voice.
349
00:14:44,070 --> 00:14:44,510
Come on.
350
00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:45,270
Come on.
351
00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:46,330
Not gonna happen.
352
00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:47,130
Uh-uh.
353
00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:47,550
Please?
354
00:14:47,810 --> 00:14:48,750
We got a great show.
355
00:14:48,751 --> 00:14:49,090
Yeah.
356
00:14:49,490 --> 00:14:49,890
Yeah.
357
00:14:50,230 --> 00:14:50,630
Yeah.
358
00:14:50,650 --> 00:14:51,010
Yeah.
359
00:14:51,011 --> 00:14:51,170
Yeah.
360
00:14:51,171 --> 00:14:52,171
Yeah.
361
00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:12,860
Yeah.
362
00:15:12,861 --> 00:15:12,900
Yeah.
363
00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:14,620
Yeah.
364
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:16,680
Yeah.
365
00:15:16,681 --> 00:15:17,160
Guilty.
366
00:15:17,161 --> 00:15:18,161
No, she's a nut.
367
00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:20,520
Hey, Shop TV shoppers.
368
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:21,820
Rhett and Lindy here.
369
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,740
And it's spooktober in the Shop TV studio.
370
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:26,960
And everybody's getting silly.
371
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:30,880
We got a minion running our dang camera
over there.
372
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:31,960
Look at that.
373
00:15:32,660 --> 00:15:33,660
Hey.
374
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:35,560
Minion.
375
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,800
Hey, does Drew know you got a second job
there, Roy?
376
00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:41,820
Banana.
377
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,000
Oh.
378
00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:44,340
Banana?
379
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:44,960
Wow.
380
00:15:44,961 --> 00:15:48,163
Well, in the next hour,
we've got spooktacular
381
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:50,920
savings so good, even
the ghosts will be howling.
382
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,740
You're supposed to play a sound effect,
Odell.
383
00:15:55,741 --> 00:15:56,060
Odell.
384
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:57,840
Of a ghost moaning.
385
00:15:57,980 --> 00:16:00,400
What the heck are you up to, Odell?
386
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,840
Oh, it is spooktober.
387
00:16:02,860 --> 00:16:03,280
Yes.
388
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:08,880
Well, our first item for sale today comes
from Toby, the cookie guy.
389
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:10,180
Wallet.
390
00:16:10,181 --> 00:16:11,700
Hey, Rhett, Lindy.
391
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:12,740
Happy cookie-ween.
392
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:13,920
And happy Halloween.
393
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:14,580
Thank you.
394
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,160
Oh, you're too much.
395
00:16:16,220 --> 00:16:16,600
Yes.
396
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:18,280
But what do you got for us today?
397
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,684
Well, now, I don't
normally like to scare my
398
00:16:21,685 --> 00:16:24,700
customers, but I'll make
an exception on Halloween.
399
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:25,180
Uh-oh.
400
00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:29,480
I'm selling a jumbo cookie that looks like
a zombie eyeball.
401
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:30,160
Oh.
402
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,340
Well, yuck and yum.
403
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:32,800
Yeah.
404
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:32,920
Yeah.
405
00:16:32,921 --> 00:16:36,260
And it comes in this fun souvenir box
right here.
406
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:36,440
Oh, look at that.
407
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:36,900
Yeah.
408
00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:38,560
For a low price of guess how much?
409
00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:39,700
$14.99.
410
00:16:39,740 --> 00:16:40,220
Oh, my God.
411
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:40,500
What?
412
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:41,520
Yeah, that's right.
413
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:42,200
That's all it is.
414
00:16:42,201 --> 00:16:42,760
Okay.
415
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,200
Well, do you have one of these cookies
unwrapped?
416
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:46,900
We can show the shoppers.
417
00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:47,220
I sure do.
418
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:47,520
Yeah.
419
00:16:47,660 --> 00:16:47,880
Yummy.
420
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:48,540
Yes, sir.
421
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:48,700
Yummy.
422
00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:48,940
Let's see.
423
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,160
All right.
424
00:16:50,161 --> 00:16:50,800
Ooh, there we go.
425
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:51,100
Look at that.
426
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:52,820
Oh, look at that.
427
00:16:53,460 --> 00:16:53,860
Oh.
428
00:16:53,861 --> 00:16:56,040
And that eyeball.
429
00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:59,120
Oh, that is so pink.
430
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:00,320
I don't... In the middle there.
431
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:00,580
Yeah.
432
00:17:00,581 --> 00:17:01,200
That is so pink.
433
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:02,740
Well, it's a zombie eye.
434
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,800
It's a zombie eye, so it's bloodshot.
435
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:05,240
Yeah.
436
00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:11,120
I might have gone with a blue eye myself,
but tell us about the flavors,
437
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:11,900
a little tip.
438
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:12,180
Yeah.
439
00:17:12,181 --> 00:17:15,460
Tell us about the flavors, a little bit.
440
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,940
Well, classic vanilla sponge cake,
and look how soft and squishy it is.
441
00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:20,420
Oh, no.
442
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:21,400
Oh.
443
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:22,420
No, no, no.
444
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:23,620
Get off of that.
445
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:23,960
Yeah.
446
00:17:24,020 --> 00:17:25,500
Let's get off that close-up.
447
00:17:25,501 --> 00:17:26,180
Get off that.
448
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,180
Widen out, Odell.
449
00:17:27,181 --> 00:17:27,520
Widen out.
450
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:30,080
You know, I always say squishy is delishy.
451
00:17:30,140 --> 00:17:31,140
Oh.
452
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,020
That's fun.
453
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:32,480
Yeah.
454
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,276
And I think everybody
at home knows how soft
455
00:17:34,277 --> 00:17:36,901
it is, so you can stop
feeling it like that.
456
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:36,980
Okay.
457
00:17:36,981 --> 00:17:37,320
And you know what?
458
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,560
I want to also say I used all organic
ingredients.
459
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:41,220
I mean, they look so good.
460
00:17:41,221 --> 00:17:42,840
People think they're fake, but they're
not.
461
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:43,460
They're all natural.
462
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:43,660
Oh.
463
00:17:44,380 --> 00:17:44,740
No.
464
00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:46,020
I'm a big naturals guy.
465
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:46,320
Oh.
466
00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:46,640
Oh.
467
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:47,796
Well, don't say it like that.
468
00:17:47,820 --> 00:17:47,960
Yeah.
469
00:17:47,961 --> 00:17:48,780
Well, you know what?
470
00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:50,020
Let's go to the phones.
471
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:50,600
How about that?
472
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:54,240
Caller, are you excited to order one of
these zombie eyes?
473
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,100
Zombie eyes?
474
00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:00,020
I thought that cookie was supposed to be
like a delicious white woman's tit.
475
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:00,900
Hang up on him.
476
00:18:01,140 --> 00:18:01,180
Oh, baby.
477
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:01,740
That's gross.
478
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:03,660
Shame on you, sir.
479
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:04,140
Oh.
480
00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:05,620
Shame on you.
481
00:18:05,740 --> 00:18:06,080
Oh.
482
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:06,520
Icky.
483
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:07,280
Icky.
484
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:07,820
Oh.
485
00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:08,020
Oh.
486
00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:11,380
Look, I just want to add that it's not
just vanilla sponge.
487
00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:14,380
This part here is actually red velvet.
488
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:15,480
Oh.
489
00:18:16,121 --> 00:18:18,120
-Oh, it's so hard. -It's so...
490
00:18:18,121 --> 00:18:19,220
-No, no.
People can't...
491
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:22,600
The people can't...
look, feel that.
492
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,392
-I know it's so nice.
-You're just being so delicate with it.
493
00:18:25,393 --> 00:18:26,660
-Well, I'll be a little darker.
494
00:18:26,661 --> 00:18:27,940
I'll be a little darker.
495
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,877
-Not now. Oh, no. -Camera.
-Camera, stop going close.
496
00:18:30,941 --> 00:18:33,680
Okay, Toby, why don't
you go ahead and tell us
497
00:18:33,681 --> 00:18:36,340
about the special offer you
have for our ShopTV viewers?
498
00:18:36,481 --> 00:18:36,980
Oh.
499
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:40,440
If you order the next hour, I'll throw in
a second...
500
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,420
Look at that.
501
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,100
Look at that.
502
00:18:44,101 --> 00:18:44,940
Look at that.
503
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:45,700
Right there.
504
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:46,020
Yeah.
505
00:18:46,045 --> 00:18:48,661
I want to get these things out of my mouth
right now.
506
00:18:48,721 --> 00:18:49,687
Okay.
507
00:18:49,789 --> 00:18:50,789
Do that.
508
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,554
Let's not do that.
509
00:18:52,839 --> 00:18:53,455
Okay.
510
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,480
Let's go to a caller.
511
00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:55,060
How about that?
512
00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:55,600
Caller?
513
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:56,680
You on Shop TV?
514
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:57,660
Hi, there.
515
00:18:57,780 --> 00:18:59,820
Do those cookies come in different
ethnicities?
516
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:00,460
Hang up.
517
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:00,820
Oh, Icky.
518
00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:03,095
Icky.
519
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:03,928
Icky. Gross.
520
00:19:03,953 --> 00:19:04,786
Shame on you.
521
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:06,886
Icky.
522
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,900
Well, Toby, your cookies are already a
hit.
523
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:13,360
It says here you just got an order for 500
cookies.
524
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:13,940
Wow.
525
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:14,580
Yeah.
526
00:19:14,581 --> 00:19:14,820
Wow.
527
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:19,975
That order comes from Pelican Bay State
Prison in California.
528
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:20,480
Oh.
529
00:19:20,481 --> 00:19:20,960
Thanks, fellas.
530
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:21,440
Mm-hmm.
531
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:24,700
Well, $14.99 for two zombie eyeball
cookies.
532
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:25,680
Oh, boy.
533
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:25,920
Here.
534
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,220
Hold that for me, would you?
535
00:19:27,221 --> 00:19:27,320
Of course.
536
00:19:27,321 --> 00:19:27,800
Okay.
537
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:29,380
Be delicate with it if you can.
538
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:29,780
All right.
539
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,886
And if you order in
the next five minutes,
540
00:19:31,887 --> 00:19:34,040
I'm going to throw in
an extra sweet treat.
541
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,820
And this is my cookie guide.
542
00:19:35,821 --> 00:19:37,400
Oh, I don't... Okay.
543
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:38,100
Oh, my God.
544
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:38,460
Blur it.
545
00:19:38,540 --> 00:19:38,980
Blur it.
546
00:19:38,981 --> 00:19:39,420
Blur it.
547
00:19:39,421 --> 00:19:39,860
Blur it.
548
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:40,080
Blur it.
549
00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:41,081
Don't
550
00:19:44,260 --> 00:19:47,380
put TVMA on the screen, Odell.
551
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:49,720
That makes it seem worse, Odell.
552
00:19:49,780 --> 00:19:50,480
Get rid of that.
553
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:51,000
No.
554
00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:51,280
Okay.
555
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,360
All natural.
556
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,520
Everything natural.
557
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:54,260
Okay.
558
00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:56,420
Well, that was fun, Toby.
559
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:57,300
Thanks, guys.
560
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:58,440
Thanks, guys.
561
00:19:58,520 --> 00:19:59,100
Thank you.
562
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,280
All right.
563
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:00,800
Okay.
564
00:20:00,940 --> 00:20:01,180
Okay.
565
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,000
Well.
566
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:02,940
Yep.
567
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,200
We'll be back with more Shock TV
spooktober deals.
568
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:06,480
Yeah.
569
00:20:06,481 --> 00:20:08,361
You know, those cookies kind of look like
yours.
570
00:20:08,420 --> 00:20:08,880
I know.
571
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:09,240
Right?
572
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:10,040
Yeah.
573
00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:10,280
That's the thing.
574
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:10,900
That's hard.
575
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:11,860
That's hard?
576
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:12,220
Yeah.
577
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:12,940
Let's go.
578
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,360
I can't believe we're doing this, man.
579
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:23,680
I know.
580
00:20:23,780 --> 00:20:24,780
This is insane.
581
00:20:24,820 --> 00:20:27,000
This is the craziest birthday present
ever, dude.
582
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:27,940
All right.
583
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:29,240
First time divers.
584
00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:33,555
We are approaching 10,000 feet,
which is our jumping altitude.
585
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,079
You're each going
to be strapped to an
586
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,940
instructor, just like we
practiced at base camp.
587
00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:38,800
And, hey, don't forget to enjoy the view.
588
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:41,435
Now, how are you guys feeling?
589
00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:41,900
Feeling pumped.
590
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,515
Dude, honestly, I'm kind of nervous.
591
00:20:44,540 --> 00:20:45,140
Me, too.
592
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:46,316
Me, too.
593
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,095
What's that?
594
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,320
I'm just... I'm
feeling nervous, too.
595
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,536
I just have, like, a weird feeling in my
stomach.
596
00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:58,275
I guess that feeling never goes away,
huh?
597
00:20:58,300 --> 00:20:59,135
No.
598
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,595
I'm usually never nervous.
599
00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:00,960
Yeah.
600
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:01,340
I don't know.
601
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,680
I just woke up feeling off today.
602
00:21:02,743 --> 00:21:06,496
Just like luck's not on my side.
603
00:21:07,246 --> 00:21:08,426
I hate to hear that.
604
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,915
Who is with which instructor?
605
00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:11,543
I'm with you.
606
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,676
And glasses, you'll be with my guy,
Dirk, over there.
607
00:21:15,380 --> 00:21:16,496
-So, uh,
608
00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:18,856
I don't even get them on the weekends,
huh?
609
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:19,880
You all good, D?
610
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:21,541
Eh, my lawyer.
611
00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,474
I just lost the kids.
612
00:21:27,140 --> 00:21:28,482
Should we maybe head back?
613
00:21:28,507 --> 00:21:30,041
Yo, are you guys talking vibes?
614
00:21:30,980 --> 00:21:32,373
Something's weird, right?
615
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:33,890
Why is he wearing AirPods?
616
00:21:33,963 --> 00:21:36,283
Yeah, but maybe this was my first day of
jitters, you know?
617
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,400
Oh, my God, dude.
618
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,500
Maybe we should jump.
619
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,900
I don't trust my guy to pull the cord.
620
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:43,473
So, this was my life, huh?
621
00:21:44,420 --> 00:21:45,215
OK.
622
00:21:46,770 --> 00:21:48,955
Sir, you need to land the plane now.
623
00:21:48,980 --> 00:21:49,455
Now!
624
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:50,616
You guys are going to be fine.
625
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:51,640
These guys are pros.
626
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,776
They got into this business because they
love it, right?
627
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:54,436
Maybe.
628
00:21:54,620 --> 00:21:58,303
Maybe there's just a small part of me that
always wanted to die.
629
00:21:59,220 --> 00:22:00,220
Okay.
630
00:22:00,460 --> 00:22:01,460
Let's jump.
631
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,780
Dude, F that!
632
00:22:03,980 --> 00:22:04,460
F that!
633
00:22:04,620 --> 00:22:06,180
You want to take a selfie before we go?
634
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:06,420
What?
635
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:06,820
No!
636
00:22:07,060 --> 00:22:07,440
Alright.
637
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:08,800
Last words.
638
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:09,140
What?
639
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:10,275
I mean, smile!
640
00:22:10,300 --> 00:22:11,815
Dude, is that my grandfather?
641
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:12,495
What do you mean?
642
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,996
Dude, he's been dead for like ten years.
643
00:22:14,021 --> 00:22:15,571
What?
Oh my God!
644
00:22:15,636 --> 00:22:16,698
Like an apparition, I think.
645
00:22:16,740 --> 00:22:17,740
I don't know.
646
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,440
Hey, man, if this is it, I want you to
know I love you.
647
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:21,640
I love you too, man.
648
00:22:22,086 --> 00:22:24,203
No, like romantically.
649
00:22:24,913 --> 00:22:26,620
I've always been in love with you.
650
00:22:27,369 --> 00:22:30,779
Your smile, I just think you're absolutely
gorgeous.
651
00:22:32,796 --> 00:22:34,379
Alright, thank you, man.
652
00:22:41,153 --> 00:22:42,365
I want to jump now.
653
00:22:43,103 --> 00:22:44,403
Alright, let's do this thing.
654
00:22:44,470 --> 00:22:45,090
No, no, no, no.
655
00:22:45,110 --> 00:22:48,085
And if anyone's having second thoughts,
now is the time to speak up.
656
00:22:48,110 --> 00:22:50,171
- I've been speaking up, man.
657
00:22:50,196 --> 00:22:51,626
I know you're scared.
658
00:22:51,910 --> 00:22:53,360
Why wouldn't you be?
659
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,983
We're jumping into the unknown.
660
00:22:57,276 --> 00:22:58,909
That's why we do this.
661
00:22:59,573 --> 00:23:01,633
To figure out who we really are.
662
00:23:08,540 --> 00:23:09,989
My whole life...
663
00:23:17,207 --> 00:23:18,756
What do you think?
664
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,000
Want to jump?
665
00:23:23,530 --> 00:23:28,710
On November 2nd, John Mulaney
with musical guest, Chappell Roan
666
00:23:49,919 --> 00:23:51,596
Please, Daddy, please.
667
00:23:52,087 --> 00:23:53,517
Okay, okay, enough.
668
00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:54,500
Everyone sit down.
669
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:54,940
Sit down.
670
00:23:55,973 --> 00:23:56,973
Please.
671
00:23:57,516 --> 00:24:00,196
Mom and Dad, Janie and I are in love.
672
00:24:00,679 --> 00:24:02,299
And we intend to wed.
673
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:03,600
Son.
674
00:24:04,260 --> 00:24:09,380
Janie is a lovely girl, but a white man
married to a black woman.
675
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:10,480
That's just dangerous.
676
00:24:10,620 --> 00:24:12,060
What will people say?
677
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,310
Well, we don't care what they say,
ma'am.
678
00:24:14,613 --> 00:24:16,613
Our love is stronger than their hate.
679
00:24:16,900 --> 00:24:18,800
Well, I cannot consent to this marriage.
680
00:24:18,860 --> 00:24:20,693
I'm sorry for both of your sakes.
681
00:24:21,260 --> 00:24:22,340
Well, hold on now.
682
00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:24,520
Let's not speak for my daughter now.
683
00:24:24,580 --> 00:24:28,726
If she says that your son is the man for
her, then I say God bless.
684
00:24:29,030 --> 00:24:30,950
Love is love, and that's how it should be.
685
00:24:31,876 --> 00:24:34,525
I just don't understand why you two would
want to do this.
686
00:24:34,550 --> 00:24:35,550
Nor do I.
687
00:24:36,623 --> 00:24:38,490
Well, maybe this will help.
688
00:24:39,043 --> 00:24:40,043
I've written a song.
689
00:24:40,915 --> 00:24:42,775
You wrote a song about me, baby?
690
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,023
About us.
691
00:24:44,606 --> 00:24:47,046
About what it's like to be married to a
beautiful black woman.
692
00:24:47,823 --> 00:24:50,943
Maybe when people hear it, things will
start to change.
693
00:24:51,180 --> 00:24:52,180
Oh.
694
00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:53,420
Amen.
695
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:55,800
Play a song, young man.
696
00:24:55,860 --> 00:24:56,860
Play a song.
697
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:58,400
Thank you, sir.
698
00:24:59,460 --> 00:25:00,460
I will.
699
00:25:07,001 --> 00:25:09,000
♪ Hey ♪
700
00:25:09,001 --> 00:25:11,640
♪ Hey ♪
701
00:25:11,641 --> 00:25:15,140
♪ Hey ♪
702
00:25:15,141 --> 00:25:18,680
♪ Your lipstick stains ♪
703
00:25:18,681 --> 00:25:24,160
♪ On the front lobe of my left side brain ♪
704
00:25:24,161 --> 00:25:26,820
♪ I knew I wouldn't forget you ♪
705
00:25:26,821 --> 00:25:32,160
♪ And so I went and let you blow my mind ♪
706
00:25:36,041 --> 00:25:38,440
♪ Hey, soul sister ♪
707
00:25:38,441 --> 00:25:42,480
♪ Hey, dentist, a mister on the radio ♪
708
00:25:42,481 --> 00:25:47,540
♪ Stare you the way your
move ain't fair enough ♪ -Okay.
709
00:25:47,541 --> 00:25:48,940
♪ Hey, soul sister ♪
710
00:25:48,941 --> 00:25:53,280
♪ I don't want to miss
a single thing you do ♪
710
♪ Oh ♪
711
00:25:56,661 --> 00:25:58,920
♪ Tonight ♪
712
00:25:58,921 --> 00:26:00,920
♪ Hey ♪
713
00:26:00,921 --> 00:26:03,500
♪ Hey ♪
-Come on.
714
00:26:03,501 --> 00:26:05,760
♪ Hey ♪
715
00:26:05,785 --> 00:26:07,315
Okay, I think they get it.
716
00:26:07,340 --> 00:26:12,580
♪ Who you can't cuddle up,
watching you is the only drug I need ♪
717
00:26:12,605 --> 00:26:17,776
♪ You're so gangster, I'm so thug,
you're the only one I'm dreaming of ♪
718
00:26:18,012 --> 00:26:19,189
I'ma wait outside.
719
00:26:20,173 --> 00:26:26,313
♪ Hey! So sister, ain't that
mister, mister on the radio ♪
720
00:26:26,580 --> 00:26:30,483
♪ Stereo, the way you
move ain't fair, you know ♪
721
00:26:30,508 --> 00:26:32,866
♪ Hey! So sister ♪
722
00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:41,291
♪ I don't want to miss
a single thing you do... ♪
723
00:26:43,939 --> 00:26:44,424
tonight.
724
00:26:51,930 --> 00:26:52,930
Wow.
725
00:26:53,630 --> 00:26:55,750
Son, just wow.
726
00:26:56,133 --> 00:26:56,750
I get it.
727
00:26:56,770 --> 00:26:57,710
I get it.
728
00:26:57,711 --> 00:26:59,033
You have my blessing.
729
00:26:59,070 --> 00:27:00,200
Mine too.
730
00:27:00,516 --> 00:27:05,800
Now that I hear how my son feels about his
beloved soul sister, I can't object.
731
00:27:10,567 --> 00:27:11,436
Hmm.
732
00:27:12,133 --> 00:27:16,067
Uh, young man, did you say that my
daughter was so gangster?
733
00:27:17,036 --> 00:27:18,036
Yes, sir.
734
00:27:18,706 --> 00:27:20,206
And I am so thug.
735
00:27:22,446 --> 00:27:22,983
Okay.
736
00:27:23,604 --> 00:27:24,133
Okay.
737
00:27:24,183 --> 00:27:26,966
Uh, I think I'm gonna retract my blessing.
738
00:27:26,999 --> 00:27:29,816
And, uh, I think I'm
gonna go a step further and
739
00:27:29,949 --> 00:27:33,166
say that maybe we should,
uh, stick to our own kind.
740
00:27:33,490 --> 00:27:34,466
Dad!
741
00:27:34,716 --> 00:27:36,334
You know, that is such a good point.
742
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:36,985
I agree.
743
00:27:37,010 --> 00:27:37,566
Yep.
744
00:27:38,350 --> 00:27:40,866
Oh, does that... wait, are we over?
745
00:27:41,016 --> 00:27:42,433
Yeah, I think so.
746
00:27:42,458 --> 00:27:43,645
Yeah, probably for the best.
747
00:27:43,670 --> 00:27:45,165
Okay, goodbye everybody.
748
00:27:45,190 --> 00:27:46,686
We're just gonna exit through the kitchen.
749
00:27:46,710 --> 00:27:47,450
Wait, no!
750
00:27:47,566 --> 00:27:47,930
Don't go!
751
00:27:48,070 --> 00:27:48,699
Please!
752
00:27:48,966 --> 00:27:49,746
Oh, Jesus.
753
00:27:49,831 --> 00:27:51,310
I can't believe this.
754
00:27:52,390 --> 00:27:53,590
What did I do wrong?
755
00:27:55,599 --> 00:27:57,068
You don't think it was the song,
right?
756
00:27:57,110 --> 00:27:57,649
No.
757
00:27:57,732 --> 00:27:59,966
No, the song was incredible.
758
00:28:00,893 --> 00:28:05,393
In fact, your father and I think it was
only missing one thing.
759
00:28:05,550 --> 00:28:06,550
What?
760
00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,016
Just a little bit of stank.
761
00:28:09,766 --> 00:28:11,700
Two, three, four!
762
00:28:11,730 --> 00:28:18,010
♪ Hey! So sister, ain't that
mister, mister on the radio ♪
763
00:28:18,034 --> 00:28:21,767
♪ Stereo, the way you
move ain't fair, you know ♪
764
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,450
♪ Hey! So sister... ♪
765
00:28:35,170 --> 00:28:37,770
Guys, tiktok shop 30% off!
766
00:28:37,930 --> 00:28:39,150
My cortisol has dropped!
767
00:28:39,410 --> 00:28:40,410
Woo!
768
00:28:41,110 --> 00:28:44,712
Okay, so, today I am trying
the Hennessy Habanero Fruity
769
00:28:44,713 --> 00:28:47,810
Pebble chicken sandwich
from Lisa's Soul Food in Atlanta.
770
00:28:50,630 --> 00:28:51,850
I'm not gonna lie, y'all.
771
00:28:52,990 --> 00:28:53,990
That's nasty.
772
00:28:54,610 --> 00:28:58,210
This way had to explain direct from
Domingo.
773
00:28:58,410 --> 00:29:02,610
Today my husband asked for beef tacos and
I didn't want to let him down.
774
00:29:02,810 --> 00:29:06,010
So I slaughtered our cow
and picked the corn myself.
775
00:29:06,343 --> 00:29:08,125
♪ We bring the boom! ♪
776
00:29:08,150 --> 00:29:09,926
♪ That's what we do ♪
777
00:29:09,950 --> 00:29:11,800
♪ We bring the boom! ♪
778
00:29:11,824 --> 00:29:13,674
♪ We bring the boom!
boom, boom! ♪
779
00:29:14,700 --> 00:29:15,900
Thank you for the roses.
780
00:29:15,901 --> 00:29:16,901
Yum!
781
00:29:17,580 --> 00:29:18,700
Thank you for the roses.
782
00:29:18,820 --> 00:29:19,040
Yum!
783
00:29:19,700 --> 00:29:22,700
My black brothers, we must protect the
bloodline.
784
00:29:23,060 --> 00:29:25,160
Resist the temptation of the snow bunny.
785
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:25,900
You don't want it.
786
00:29:25,980 --> 00:29:27,960
See how I'm vibrating off my cellulite?
787
00:29:27,961 --> 00:29:29,860
Very demure, very mindful.
788
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:32,000
Hey, baby, you want...
Oh, damned!
789
00:29:32,350 --> 00:29:35,110
What is up, Daddy Gang?
It is your founding father.
790
00:29:35,110 --> 00:29:37,970
Today's topic is when to put a finger in.
791
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:42,440
Our guest today is Secretary of Homeland
Security Alejandro Mayorkas.
792
00:29:46,900 --> 00:29:48,580
Kamala, Miss VP, can I sing to you?
793
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:53,380
Making my way downtown, walking past
faces, passing homebound, period.
794
00:29:54,100 --> 00:29:54,960
Thank you.
795
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,220
That was singing.
796
00:29:59,071 --> 00:29:59,712
Look, what the...
797
00:29:59,737 --> 00:30:00,560
Look at this crab meat.
798
00:30:00,620 --> 00:30:01,220
It's sick.
799
00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:02,120
It's insane.
800
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:03,320
Looks nice.
801
00:30:03,860 --> 00:30:05,440
Yo, come on, chat.
802
00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:07,040
Chill.
803
00:30:07,163 --> 00:30:10,930
I'm not going to light the fireworks in my
frickin' basement, brah!
804
00:30:14,113 --> 00:30:16,280
Thank you for being here, Mr. President.
805
00:30:16,330 --> 00:30:18,463
Yes, well, they tell me
you're a tremendous success
806
00:30:18,488 --> 00:30:21,558
in terms of views, and
with regard to virgins.
807
00:30:21,763 --> 00:30:23,023
So it's a great honor.
808
00:30:28,719 --> 00:30:30,786
There's an evacuation order in place.
809
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:37,680
So this is part 55 of my beef with the
chilis on Jefferson Avenue.
810
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:40,280
See, they know they're wrong because
they're little...
811
00:30:41,755 --> 00:30:44,035
Oh, you guys are at the wrong rally.
812
00:30:44,060 --> 00:30:47,620
I think you meant to go to the smaller one
down the street.
813
00:30:49,140 --> 00:30:50,260
Excuse me, I'm speaking.
814
00:31:01,765 --> 00:31:03,205
Mr. President, can I sing to you?
815
00:31:03,229 --> 00:31:03,935
Uh, yes.
816
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:04,900
Where are you?
817
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:08,035
And I'm so sorry for you.
818
00:31:08,060 --> 00:31:09,255
Well, it was terrible.
819
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:10,280
That was really bad.
820
00:31:10,860 --> 00:31:11,660
Didn't like that at all.
821
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:12,500
That was really bad.
822
00:31:12,660 --> 00:31:13,040
Well, yes.
823
00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:14,480
Part 71.
824
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:17,183
They gave me placebo chili sticks.
825
00:31:17,533 --> 00:31:22,195
As a 22-year-old mother of 10,
I like to do everything by hand.
826
00:31:22,236 --> 00:31:25,695
Today my kids wanted a color, but we were
all out of paper.
827
00:31:26,016 --> 00:31:29,800
So I mashed up my law degree to make more
paper for my kids.
828
00:31:34,930 --> 00:31:36,670
My cortisol is dropping.
829
00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:38,570
It's the thing vibrating.
830
00:31:39,090 --> 00:31:40,770
The legs are getting fed strongly.
831
00:31:43,110 --> 00:31:44,801
Excuse me, Ms. Eilish, can I sing to you?
832
00:31:44,826 --> 00:31:46,945
Can you pretend that airplane is the
night?
833
00:31:46,970 --> 00:31:47,565
Here's 10 grand.
834
00:31:47,590 --> 00:31:48,826
Please stop following me.
835
00:32:25,176 --> 00:32:27,409
Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.
836
00:32:30,866 --> 00:32:33,149
Birds of a feather (2024)
837
00:32:34,339 --> 00:32:36,299
♪ I want you to stay ♪
838
00:32:38,997 --> 00:32:40,997
♪ 'Til I'm in the grave ♪
839
00:32:43,479 --> 00:32:47,712
♪ 'Til I ride away, dead and buried ♪
840
00:32:48,128 --> 00:32:51,968
♪ 'Til I'm in the casket you carried ♪
841
00:32:52,561 --> 00:32:56,428
♪ If you go, I'm going too, oh ♪
842
00:32:57,031 --> 00:33:00,947
♪ 'Cause it was always you, oh ♪
843
00:33:01,732 --> 00:33:05,831
♪ And if I'm turning blue,
please don't save me ♪
844
00:33:06,209 --> 00:33:11,345
♪ Nothing left to lose without my baby ♪
845
00:33:12,171 --> 00:33:16,463
♪ Birds of a feather, we
should stick together I know ♪
846
00:33:16,571 --> 00:33:21,187
♪ I said I'd never think
I wasn't better alone ♪
847
00:33:21,470 --> 00:33:26,119
♪ Can't change the weather,
might not be forever, but if ♪
848
00:33:26,235 --> 00:33:30,286
♪ it's forever, it's even better ♪
849
00:33:30,786 --> 00:33:34,942
♪ I don't know what I'm crying for ♪
850
00:33:35,033 --> 00:33:40,016
♪ I don't think I could love you more ♪
851
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:45,410
♪ It might not be long, but, baby, I ♪
852
00:33:45,994 --> 00:33:50,839
♪ I'll love you 'til the day that I die ♪
853
00:33:50,863 --> 00:33:55,461
♪ 'Til the day that I die ♪
854
00:33:56,217 --> 00:34:00,624
♪ 'Til the light leaves my eyes ♪
855
00:34:00,714 --> 00:34:05,291
♪ 'Til the day that I die ♪
856
00:34:05,691 --> 00:34:09,757
♪ I want you to see, hm ♪
857
00:34:10,492 --> 00:34:14,758
♪ How you look to me, hm ♪
858
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:19,428
♪ You wouldn't believe if I told ya ♪
859
00:34:19,453 --> 00:34:23,752
♪ You would keep the
compliments I throw ya ♪
860
00:34:24,095 --> 00:34:28,264
♪ But you're so full of shit, uh ♪
861
00:34:28,293 --> 00:34:33,126
♪ Tell me it's a bit, oh ♪
862
00:34:33,151 --> 00:34:37,728
♪ Say you don't see it,
your mind's polluted ♪
863
00:34:37,752 --> 00:34:43,952
♪ Say you wanna quit, don't be stupid
and... ♪
864
00:34:43,977 --> 00:34:48,554
♪ I don't know what I'm crying for ♪
865
00:34:48,578 --> 00:34:53,155
♪ I don't think I could love you more ♪
866
00:34:53,179 --> 00:34:57,756
♪ Might not be long, but baby, I ♪
867
00:34:59,745 --> 00:35:02,278
♪ Don't wanna say goodbye ♪
868
00:35:02,279 --> 00:35:06,512
♪ Birds of a feather, we
should stick together, (I know) ♪
869
00:35:06,536 --> 00:35:11,311
♪ I said I'd never think I wasn't better
alone ('til the light leaves my eyes) ♪
870
00:35:11,336 --> 00:35:15,869
♪ Can't change the weather, might
not be forever ('til the day that I die) ♪
871
00:35:15,894 --> 00:35:25,035
♪ But if it's forever, it's even better
I knew you in another life ♪
872
00:35:25,060 --> 00:35:35,294
♪ You had that same look in your eyes
I love you, don't act so surprised ♪
873
00:36:31,590 --> 00:36:35,450
It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and
Michael Che.
874
00:36:42,300 --> 00:36:43,380
Good evening everyone.
875
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:44,936
Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael
Che.
876
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:45,980
I'm Colin Jost.
877
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:54,240
Well, the election is just 16 days away,
and the candidates are striking very
878
00:36:54,241 --> 00:36:56,840
different tones trying to get out the
vote.
879
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:58,980
For example, here's Kamala Harris.
880
00:36:59,340 --> 00:37:04,860
Your vote is your voice, and your voice is
your power.
881
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:07,400
Nice.
882
00:37:08,420 --> 00:37:09,800
And here's Trump.
883
00:37:10,620 --> 00:37:13,700
Get that fat pig off the couch.
884
00:37:14,340 --> 00:37:15,960
Tell him to go and vote.
885
00:37:15,961 --> 00:37:18,040
Vote for Trump, he's going to save our
country.
886
00:37:20,980 --> 00:37:22,100
Also nice.
887
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:24,480
Direct.
888
00:37:25,340 --> 00:37:27,802
Subtle differences you'll
notice in their styles,
889
00:37:27,803 --> 00:37:30,381
you know, like here's
Kamala's message to women.
890
00:37:30,580 --> 00:37:33,660
And when Congress
passes a bill to restore
891
00:37:33,661 --> 00:37:37,721
reproductive freedom, I
will proudly sign it into law!
892
00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:39,880
Okay.
893
00:37:40,700 --> 00:37:43,420
And here's Trump's closing message to
women.
894
00:37:43,421 --> 00:37:48,462
So amazed that Harvey Weinstein got
schlonged.
895
00:37:48,487 --> 00:37:50,754
He got picked before he even got hit.
896
00:37:55,110 --> 00:37:59,910
So in that story, he thinks Harvey
Weinstein's the one who got schlonged.
897
00:38:00,890 --> 00:38:04,290
By the way, I never need to hear anyone
ever say schlonged again.
898
00:38:05,730 --> 00:38:09,492
But then this week, Trump did
strike a positive tone when he
899
00:38:09,493 --> 00:38:13,870
stopped questions at a town
hall to just dance for 40 minutes.
900
00:38:14,150 --> 00:38:17,710
Please enjoy these
somehow... 100% real clips.
901
00:38:49,723 --> 00:38:50,723
Special.
902
00:38:51,620 --> 00:38:53,590
Like really special.
903
00:38:54,226 --> 00:38:58,990
And you can find all those incredible songs
on... now that's what I call dementia.
904
00:39:04,310 --> 00:39:08,490
Donald Trump appeared at a town hall
hosted by Univision where he was asked
905
00:39:08,491 --> 00:39:10,731
questions in both English
and Spanish, which
906
00:39:10,732 --> 00:39:13,431
he answered in both
English and louder English.
907
00:39:14,430 --> 00:39:18,050
During a rally in Atlanta, Donald Trump
said that any black person who votes for
908
00:39:18,051 --> 00:39:20,170
Kamala Harris should have their head
examined.
909
00:39:20,370 --> 00:39:23,710
But no matter who we vote for,
I promise you I am not going to therapy.
910
00:39:28,170 --> 00:39:29,630
That guy gets me.
911
00:39:31,210 --> 00:39:37,290
At an all-female Fox News town hall,
Trump declared himself the father of IVF.
912
00:39:37,850 --> 00:39:41,730
Which stands for Ivanka and various
freaks.
913
00:39:49,240 --> 00:39:54,500
Trump also appeared on Fox in France and
said that Abraham Lincoln was probably a
914
00:39:54,501 --> 00:39:58,320
great president, but wanted to know why
the Civil War wasn't settled.
915
00:39:58,340 --> 00:40:01,980
Well, it was settled until you showed up.
916
00:40:04,540 --> 00:40:08,060
Insiders say that during a campaign stop
in Pennsylvania tomorrow, Donald Trump
917
00:40:08,061 --> 00:40:09,967
will work the fry
cooker at a McDonald's
918
00:40:09,968 --> 00:40:13,621
where he plans to
deep fry the tip of his tie.
919
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:17,740
Kamala Harris responded
to Trump calling January
920
00:40:17,741 --> 00:40:20,940
6th a day of love, saying
that he is gaslighting us.
921
00:40:21,020 --> 00:40:23,640
But Kamala, you're just imagining things,
baby.
922
00:40:26,140 --> 00:40:28,220
That's my... that's called gaslighting.
923
00:40:28,221 --> 00:40:28,320
That's my... that's
called gaslighting.
924
00:40:28,340 --> 00:40:29,500
Yeah, that seems very real.
925
00:40:29,720 --> 00:40:30,720
I'm a good actor.
926
00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:36,960
At a rally in a Pennsylvania high school,
Elon Musk promoted the debunked theory
927
00:40:36,961 --> 00:40:42,000
that Dominion voting systems rigged the
2020 election, saying, quote, the last
928
00:40:42,001 --> 00:40:44,340
thing I would do is trust a computer
program.
929
00:40:44,620 --> 00:40:47,420
You know, like the ones driving all of his
cars.
930
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:55,405
President Biden also said
that he hopes that the death
931
00:40:55,406 --> 00:40:59,240
of the leader of Hamas will
be a path to peace in Gaza.
932
00:40:59,241 --> 00:41:04,000
Path to peace is also the name of the home
Biden's moving into in about three months.
933
00:41:07,140 --> 00:41:12,260
The Archdiocese of Los Angeles has reached
a settlement in hundreds of child sex
934
00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:18,440
abuse cases and will pay out $880 million,
an amount that priests called worth it.
935
00:41:24,294 --> 00:41:25,894
It's the 90s, come on.
936
00:41:28,010 --> 00:41:31,670
Candidates are now doing everything they
can to get young people to the polls,
937
00:41:32,050 --> 00:41:32,330
and they're doing everything they can to
get young people to the polls.
938
00:41:32,331 --> 00:41:36,030
Here with his thoughts is new Saturday
Night Live cast member Emil Wakim.
939
00:41:41,050 --> 00:41:42,210
Hi, Emil, welcome.
940
00:41:42,450 --> 00:41:44,290
So how are you feeling going into the
election?
941
00:41:44,410 --> 00:41:44,830
I feel good.
942
00:41:45,090 --> 00:41:49,190
I know who I'm voting for, but I don't
know who my dad is voting for, you know?
943
00:41:49,230 --> 00:41:50,286
Because my dad's an immigrant.
944
00:41:50,310 --> 00:41:52,106
But he, like, you know, he made it in this
country.
945
00:41:52,130 --> 00:41:53,790
Like, he made it against all odds.
946
00:41:54,030 --> 00:41:57,770
Like, he made it so hard that he's a
Republican now.
947
00:41:57,950 --> 00:42:01,130
Like, that's the real American dream,
dude.
948
00:42:01,570 --> 00:42:04,650
To go from, like, village in Lebanon to
being, like, no.
949
00:42:04,670 --> 00:42:05,710
No, no, don't let more in.
950
00:42:05,790 --> 00:42:06,590
No, sorry about that.
951
00:42:06,710 --> 00:42:07,710
No, sorry.
952
00:42:07,790 --> 00:42:08,150
Sorry.
953
00:42:08,230 --> 00:42:09,230
White guys only.
954
00:42:09,930 --> 00:42:10,690
Come on, Kyle.
955
00:42:10,790 --> 00:42:11,790
Let's go play pickleball.
956
00:42:12,070 --> 00:42:13,830
Like, that's what I want.
957
00:42:13,831 --> 00:42:15,550
I guess that is a dream, yes.
958
00:42:15,770 --> 00:42:17,270
Do you still have family in Lebanon?
959
00:42:17,450 --> 00:42:18,090
Yeah, I do.
960
00:42:18,230 --> 00:42:19,750
And, you know, it's very scary now.
961
00:42:19,950 --> 00:42:22,646
But, you know, my dad always worries about
me because I talk about being Arab.
962
00:42:22,670 --> 00:42:25,190
And he's like, you know, you don't have to
say we're Arab.
963
00:42:25,530 --> 00:42:26,590
We're not Arab.
964
00:42:27,090 --> 00:42:28,590
We're Christian Lebanese.
965
00:42:28,670 --> 00:42:29,670
It's different.
966
00:42:30,290 --> 00:42:31,010
We're European.
967
00:42:31,150 --> 00:42:32,230
We're like the French.
968
00:42:32,710 --> 00:42:34,290
And I'm, like, ask the French.
969
00:42:34,670 --> 00:42:35,766
If they think we're the French.
970
00:42:35,790 --> 00:42:36,970
They're like, we're good.
971
00:42:37,090 --> 00:42:38,090
Thanks.
972
00:42:38,370 --> 00:42:40,651
Because Christian Arabs are a very funny
part of all this.
973
00:42:40,690 --> 00:42:41,852
You know, like, any
time stuff starts going
974
00:42:41,853 --> 00:42:43,750
down over there, they
always like to pop out.
975
00:42:43,770 --> 00:42:45,610
To just be like, eh, not us.
976
00:42:46,610 --> 00:42:50,690
It's just like a bunch of, like, Lebanese
dudes with unibrows being like, bonjour.
977
00:42:51,490 --> 00:42:53,190
We are the white ones.
978
00:42:54,650 --> 00:42:56,810
So you're saying that the Christian part
helps?
979
00:42:57,050 --> 00:42:57,830
Yes, for sure.
980
00:42:58,010 --> 00:42:59,206
You know, I've lived all over the country.
981
00:42:59,230 --> 00:43:02,930
No matter how liberal or conservative of
an area I'm in, when people find out I was
982
00:43:02,931 --> 00:43:05,270
raised Christian, I can feel them just
relax a little bit.
983
00:43:05,390 --> 00:43:05,530
You know?
984
00:43:06,050 --> 00:43:06,910
Even in this room.
985
00:43:06,970 --> 00:43:10,169
Like, I feel people's
shoulders drop when they
986
00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:12,490
find out that your family
are Christian Arabs.
987
00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:13,910
They're just like, oh, he's cool.
988
00:43:14,050 --> 00:43:15,050
Like, oh.
989
00:43:15,230 --> 00:43:17,070
They're just like a little less afraid of
you.
990
00:43:17,130 --> 00:43:17,390
You know?
991
00:43:17,750 --> 00:43:22,531
Christian Arabs, we're kind of like, we're
like black dudes with anime backpacks.
992
00:43:22,650 --> 00:43:23,370
You know what I mean?
993
00:43:23,430 --> 00:43:26,838
Like, racist guys
are like, I don't love it,
994
00:43:26,839 --> 00:43:29,610
but I'm not going to
cross the street anymore.
995
00:43:29,830 --> 00:43:30,330
It's fine.
996
00:43:30,550 --> 00:43:31,410
He skateboards.
997
00:43:31,530 --> 00:43:32,230
Okay, whatever.
998
00:43:32,231 --> 00:43:33,790
I guess I see that.
999
00:43:33,950 --> 00:43:34,950
Yeah, see?
1000
00:43:35,150 --> 00:43:37,270
You know, we're not that different than
other groups.
1001
00:43:37,350 --> 00:43:39,670
You know, Arabs are not just like violent
people by nature.
1002
00:43:39,790 --> 00:43:42,910
We're really just like another group of
like hairy, sweaty, passionate guys.
1003
00:43:43,090 --> 00:43:43,330
You know?
1004
00:43:43,890 --> 00:43:46,790
Like, what is an Arab but a Greek that
you're kind of afraid of?
1005
00:43:46,930 --> 00:43:47,370
You know what I mean?
1006
00:43:47,410 --> 00:43:48,410
Like, we're right there.
1007
00:43:48,750 --> 00:43:49,830
We're Italian guys.
1008
00:43:49,990 --> 00:43:50,870
We talk with our hands.
1009
00:43:50,910 --> 00:43:52,230
We kiss our buddies on the mouth.
1010
00:43:52,450 --> 00:43:54,250
We're just like, hey, I love my mother.
1011
00:43:54,690 --> 00:43:56,610
But then we bombed the Middle East
forever.
1012
00:43:56,830 --> 00:43:59,970
So then they went from being like,
I love my mother, to like, I love,
1013
00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:02,190
I love, I love, I love, I love,
I love, I love, I love, I love.
1014
00:44:02,210 --> 00:44:03,890
Like, that's how we got there,
you know?
1015
00:44:05,770 --> 00:44:06,970
Colin wrote that joke for me.
1016
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:11,870
Yeah, we're good.
1017
00:44:12,010 --> 00:44:12,270
We're good.
1018
00:44:12,750 --> 00:44:13,750
Yeah.
1019
00:44:13,910 --> 00:44:14,910
I...
1020
00:44:15,370 --> 00:44:18,990
I just... I don't think people are being
honest with stuff over there, you know?
1021
00:44:19,250 --> 00:44:22,710
Like, a lot of young people now that are
like for, like, gay rights and women's
1022
00:44:22,711 --> 00:44:24,870
rights will be like, free Palestine,
free Gaza.
1023
00:44:25,390 --> 00:44:29,130
And then people on the other side are
being like, oh, oh, gays for Gaza, huh?
1024
00:44:29,430 --> 00:44:30,790
Oh, go be gay in Gaza.
1025
00:44:31,130 --> 00:44:32,186
You can see how they like it over there.
1026
00:44:32,210 --> 00:44:33,546
That's why we're going over there.
1027
00:44:33,570 --> 00:44:35,950
As if that's why America goes to war.
1028
00:44:36,510 --> 00:44:39,110
Because we love women and gay people so
much.
1029
00:44:40,130 --> 00:44:42,910
Also, if you want to be gay, just stop
bombing them.
1030
00:44:43,030 --> 00:44:44,030
They'll get to gay.
1031
00:44:45,570 --> 00:44:46,370
They're busy.
1032
00:44:46,550 --> 00:44:50,810
They don't have time to be like,
who am I in the deepest parts of my soul?
1033
00:44:50,890 --> 00:44:56,370
You can't watch your village get blown up
and be like, I think I'm bisexual,
1034
00:44:56,570 --> 00:44:57,110
actually.
1035
00:44:57,390 --> 00:45:00,250
That's not...
Emil Wakim, everybody.
1036
00:45:00,290 --> 00:45:01,290
We're spicy greeks!
1037
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:09,640
DiGiorno...
1038
00:45:09,641 --> 00:45:12,100
DiGiorno announced
they are bringing back their
1039
00:45:12,101 --> 00:45:14,080
frozen Thanksgiving
pizza for the holidays.
1040
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:16,873
The pizzas are topped with
turkey gravy, green beans,
1041
00:45:16,874 --> 00:45:19,100
and the number for the
National Suicide Hotline.
1042
00:45:23,340 --> 00:45:27,840
Tom Brady has officially become a part
owner of the Las Vegas Raiders,
1043
00:45:28,220 --> 00:45:32,020
although Brady himself is still fully
owned by the Giants.
1044
00:45:37,460 --> 00:45:38,460
Wow.
1045
00:45:39,180 --> 00:45:40,740
That got so intense.
1046
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:46,740
This week was National No Bra Day,
and it was a huge flop.
1047
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:54,120
Don't clap at that.
1048
00:45:54,300 --> 00:45:55,500
The 90s are back, Colin.
1049
00:45:55,620 --> 00:45:59,853
The winner of the annual
America's Best Restroom
1050
00:45:59,854 --> 00:46:03,220
Contest is a service
station in Salt Lake City.
1051
00:46:03,380 --> 00:46:07,280
Though keep in mind, the contest is run by
Trucker Sex Magazine.
1052
00:46:10,261 --> 00:46:12,419
Bath and Body Works
has stopped selling a candle
1053
00:46:12,420 --> 00:46:16,000
with a design that people
said resembled KKK hoods.
1054
00:46:16,460 --> 00:46:20,120
They've replaced it with a design where
the hoods are completely removed.
1055
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:28,880
I don't appreciate that response.
1056
00:46:34,260 --> 00:46:39,320
According to nutritionists, the healthiest
Halloween candy is peanut M&Ms,
1057
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:42,980
with the tiny exception of kids that die
from touching them.
1058
00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:53,260
Researchers in Britain have discovered the
first ever adult man with three penises.
1059
00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:55,772
And after a long and
complicated surgery, doctors
1060
00:46:55,773 --> 00:46:58,661
were able to successfully
give him a third hand.
1061
00:47:02,100 --> 00:47:03,100
Yeah.
1062
00:47:04,500 --> 00:47:05,720
Yeah, baby.
1063
00:47:05,980 --> 00:47:10,440
This year, the Victoria's Secret fashion
show returned for the first time in four
1064
00:47:10,441 --> 00:47:13,960
years and was praised for its inclusivity
and body positivity.
1065
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:16,900
Here to comment is our very own Sarah
Sherman.
1066
00:47:22,400 --> 00:47:24,000
Did I miss you?
1067
00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:24,900
Of course I missed you.
1068
00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:26,040
Okay, psycho.
1069
00:47:27,370 --> 00:47:29,160
Listen... Victoria... Listen...
1070
00:47:29,161 --> 00:47:32,501
Victoria's Secret said their new show is
inclusive.
1071
00:47:32,660 --> 00:47:34,060
And in many ways it was.
1072
00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:38,800
Look, it's cool that they had a lot of
diverse body types represented.
1073
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:40,720
But here's the problem.
1074
00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:43,560
Where are my perfect tens, okay?
1075
00:47:43,660 --> 00:47:46,020
Where are my midwest fours at?
1076
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:46,680
You know what I mean?
1077
00:47:46,940 --> 00:47:48,820
Where are my normal girlies at?
1078
00:47:49,100 --> 00:47:53,760
Where are my girls with anxiety hives and
infected belly button rings?
1079
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:54,666
Okay?
1080
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,226
Oh, it's so inclusive, really?
1081
00:47:57,320 --> 00:47:59,746
Well, it's not inclusiviating me.
1082
00:48:00,753 --> 00:48:03,273
Someone with resting rabbi face.
1083
00:48:05,820 --> 00:48:08,256
Show me someone with
a happy trail that wraps
1084
00:48:08,281 --> 00:48:11,486
all the way around
their back like a gorilla.
1085
00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:14,953
Or someone with, like, Pangea nipples.
1086
00:48:16,460 --> 00:48:17,593
Pangea nipples?
1087
00:48:17,780 --> 00:48:22,400
Yeah, you know, nipples that cover the
whole boob and touch together in the
1088
00:48:22,425 --> 00:48:26,230
middle to form a super nipple
supercontinent.
1089
00:48:27,966 --> 00:48:30,286
It sounds like you might need medical
attention.
1090
00:48:31,219 --> 00:48:34,699
For the last time, Colin
I will not play that tour with you
1091
00:48:37,890 --> 00:48:43,210
I want to see women on the runway wearing
my type of underwear.
1092
00:48:43,343 --> 00:48:45,143
What type of underwear is that?
1093
00:48:45,343 --> 00:48:45,970
Look at him.
1094
00:48:46,010 --> 00:48:46,370
Oh, my God.
1095
00:48:46,430 --> 00:48:47,430
He's so excited.
1096
00:48:49,010 --> 00:48:52,765
Yeah, like you don't already know from
rifling through my dressing room.
1097
00:48:52,790 --> 00:48:53,990
Yeah, come on.
1098
00:48:54,010 --> 00:48:56,090
Whenever I take my
underwear off, you float
1099
00:48:56,115 --> 00:48:59,023
in like a cartoon mouse
following the scent.
1100
00:49:01,950 --> 00:49:04,616
It's not what I sniff like.
1101
00:49:04,730 --> 00:49:06,310
Yes, it is, queen.
1102
00:49:06,550 --> 00:49:07,550
Listen.
1103
00:49:08,970 --> 00:49:09,410
Listen.
1104
00:49:09,411 --> 00:49:12,390
I want to see those models wearing
underwear like mine.
1105
00:49:12,391 --> 00:49:16,607
A diaper, a sports
bra, and a giant T -shirt
1106
00:49:16,632 --> 00:49:19,271
I got in New Orleans
that says New Orleans.
1107
00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:22,843
You wear a diaper?
1108
00:49:22,976 --> 00:49:26,150
Why did you lick your lips when you said
that?
1109
00:49:28,790 --> 00:49:34,085
I want to see tired, cranky, busted
bitches in real underwear.
1110
00:49:34,110 --> 00:49:37,536
The kind you buy in packs of 12 at CVS.
1111
00:49:37,963 --> 00:49:40,605
The kind the hospital gives you after a C
-section.
1112
00:49:40,630 --> 00:49:41,136
Okay?
1113
00:49:41,270 --> 00:49:46,056
I want to see underwear that's been
through hell and back, Colin.
1114
00:49:46,176 --> 00:49:49,496
The kind that looks like a flag at the end
of a war.
1115
00:49:54,629 --> 00:49:57,962
The kind where when you throw it on the
ground at the end of a long day,
1116
00:49:57,989 --> 00:50:02,042
it's like dropping an everything bagel
cream cheese side down.
1117
00:50:05,295 --> 00:50:09,002
That is so, so gross.
1118
00:50:10,295 --> 00:50:11,908
Oh, that's gross, Colin?
1119
00:50:12,376 --> 00:50:14,003
Is it gross that
my underwear looks
1120
00:50:14,028 --> 00:50:17,081
like a tuberculosis
patient's handkerchief?
1121
00:50:19,121 --> 00:50:22,574
Papa! There's blood!
Papa! There's blood!
1122
00:50:24,014 --> 00:50:25,015
Sarah, come on.
1123
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:27,828
So listen up, Victoria's Secret.
1124
00:50:27,854 --> 00:50:29,675
Yeah, that's right.
1125
00:50:29,700 --> 00:50:30,700
You're getting serious.
1126
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:32,455
I am serious.
1127
00:50:32,849 --> 00:50:34,629
Listen up, Victoria's Secret.
1128
00:50:34,654 --> 00:50:35,614
Don't cut to him.
1129
00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:41,400
You've made me feel insecure long enough.
1130
00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:44,080
And I've got one thing to say to you.
1131
00:50:44,240 --> 00:50:46,266
Please let me be in your show.
1132
00:50:49,235 --> 00:50:51,435
I'll change everything about myself.
1133
00:50:51,460 --> 00:50:52,240
I'll wax.
1134
00:50:52,380 --> 00:50:53,060
I'll bleach.
1135
00:50:53,240 --> 00:50:55,767
I'll power sand my back knee right off.
1136
00:50:55,860 --> 00:50:57,875
I'll do anything, Colin.
1137
00:50:57,900 --> 00:50:59,540
I'll even make new holes.
1138
00:51:01,847 --> 00:51:05,035
Or I'll get that BBL you've been offering
to pay for.
1139
00:51:05,060 --> 00:51:06,960
I offered to split it.
1140
00:51:07,020 --> 00:51:08,473
Sarah Sherman, everyone.
1141
00:51:14,313 --> 00:51:14,860
Can we get up there?
1142
00:51:14,861 --> 00:51:15,861
I'm Colin Jost.
1143
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:17,520
I'm Michael Che.
1144
00:51:17,620 --> 00:51:18,620
Good night.
1145
00:51:31,499 --> 00:51:32,820
Hi, Uber for Trish.
1146
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:33,540
That's right.
1147
00:51:33,660 --> 00:51:35,860
For Trish, going to JFK, right?
1148
00:51:36,020 --> 00:51:36,240
Yeah.
1149
00:51:36,460 --> 00:51:37,800
I can't wait to get to Miami.
1150
00:51:37,940 --> 00:51:38,940
It's going to be so fun.
1151
00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:41,200
Oh, y'all going to Miami?
1152
00:51:41,900 --> 00:51:43,760
I've heard some things about Miami.
1153
00:51:44,300 --> 00:51:45,620
Oh, yeah, totally.
1154
00:51:46,460 --> 00:51:48,660
Miami got them baby cartels.
1155
00:51:49,920 --> 00:51:50,920
Sorry, what's that?
1156
00:51:51,700 --> 00:51:53,280
They use babies to sling rock.
1157
00:51:53,580 --> 00:51:54,380
Think about it.
1158
00:51:54,381 --> 00:51:56,060
Because babies can't go to jail.
1159
00:51:56,220 --> 00:51:57,540
They slip right through the bars.
1160
00:51:57,720 --> 00:51:58,720
Think about it.
1161
00:52:00,280 --> 00:52:03,400
Uh, yeah, I guess I never thought about
that.
1162
00:52:03,660 --> 00:52:07,140
Well, now's the perfect time because you
won't think about it.
1163
00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:12,700
Live from this Chevy Malibu, it is Think
About It.
1164
00:52:12,780 --> 00:52:16,640
The game show where it's my Uber,
my opinions, and you stuck.
1165
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:20,000
We're on a game show?
1166
00:52:21,700 --> 00:52:22,856
We need to ride to the airport.
1167
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:25,060
Well, lucky for me, I don't pick up on
social cues.
1168
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:26,600
Okay.
1169
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:27,920
First question.
1170
00:52:28,120 --> 00:52:30,600
Who have they already picked to be
president?
1171
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:33,000
Who have they picked?
1172
00:52:33,420 --> 00:52:34,420
Who is they?
1173
00:52:34,640 --> 00:52:36,500
You know exactly who they is.
1174
00:52:36,940 --> 00:52:38,660
Your options are A.
1175
00:52:38,820 --> 00:52:40,420
My man, Donald Trump.
1176
00:52:40,780 --> 00:52:41,380
B.
1177
00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:42,580
Kamala Cabello.
1178
00:52:43,320 --> 00:52:44,320
Or 3.
1179
00:52:44,460 --> 00:52:45,540
Jiggy Lane Maxwell.
1180
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:49,180
Who is Jiggy Lane Maxwell?
1181
00:52:49,181 --> 00:52:50,680
He means Ghislaine.
1182
00:52:50,880 --> 00:52:52,520
He's just a crazy conspiracy theorist.
1183
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:53,560
Let's just not engage.
1184
00:52:53,660 --> 00:52:54,660
Totally.
1185
00:52:55,060 --> 00:52:56,740
I guess my answer is B.
1186
00:52:56,860 --> 00:52:57,860
Kamala Cabello.
1187
00:52:58,240 --> 00:52:58,680
Correct!
1188
00:52:59,040 --> 00:53:00,400
How is that right?
1189
00:53:00,740 --> 00:53:01,856
You just got to think about it.
1190
00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:04,620
Here, watch this YouTube video that has 8
views.
1191
00:53:05,080 --> 00:53:06,260
Oh, watch that!
1192
00:53:06,580 --> 00:53:07,800
We're on the sidewalk!
1193
00:53:07,940 --> 00:53:10,500
Oh, that's because we're picking up my
friend.
1194
00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:12,360
Hey, what's up, brother?
1195
00:53:12,780 --> 00:53:13,080
Hey, bud.
1196
00:53:13,380 --> 00:53:14,380
How you doing, babe?
1197
00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:15,640
Hit that.
1198
00:53:17,138 --> 00:53:18,081
He's Anthony
1199
00:53:18,106 --> 00:53:20,520
He's the smartest man I know.
1200
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:22,960
Hey, if you don't mind, I'm gonna scoot my
seat back.
1201
00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:24,560
Ow, my kneecaps!
1202
00:53:24,660 --> 00:53:27,440
Anthony, you go on and do the next
question.
1203
00:53:27,540 --> 00:53:28,540
Okay, next question.
1204
00:53:28,740 --> 00:53:30,560
Who did they kill with the vaccine?
1205
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:32,320
A.
1206
00:53:32,321 --> 00:53:33,060
O.J.
1207
00:53:33,100 --> 00:53:33,480
Simpson.
1208
00:53:33,740 --> 00:53:34,740
2.
1209
00:53:35,160 --> 00:53:35,780
Free speech.
1210
00:53:36,180 --> 00:53:36,780
Or 1.
1211
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:38,620
Jiggy Lane Maxwell's husband.
1212
00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:41,260
You mean Jeffrey Epstein?
1213
00:53:42,160 --> 00:53:43,680
I'm gonna go with Jiggy Lane.
1214
00:53:44,200 --> 00:53:45,560
That's correct, young lady.
1215
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:46,120
Yay!
1216
00:53:46,360 --> 00:53:47,360
We got it right!
1217
00:53:47,440 --> 00:53:49,660
Trish, I know you're from Nebraska,
but stop.
1218
00:53:51,220 --> 00:53:53,180
Is this even a real game show?
1219
00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:53,980
Oh, yeah.
1220
00:53:54,080 --> 00:53:55,960
We streaming right now on WhatsApp Live.
1221
00:53:56,260 --> 00:53:57,480
And we even got prizes.
1222
00:53:57,540 --> 00:53:57,780
They in.
1223
00:53:57,920 --> 00:53:58,620
Tell them what they won.
1224
00:53:58,760 --> 00:54:00,780
Tiny hot water bottle.
1225
00:54:01,080 --> 00:54:02,760
It's not sealed, but it's full.
1226
00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:04,260
Tiny hot water bottle.
1227
00:54:05,220 --> 00:54:07,240
Why is this water so hot?
1228
00:54:07,380 --> 00:54:09,180
Cause I keep them between my legs.
1229
00:54:09,920 --> 00:54:14,060
And the sound of my check engine light
means you've made it to our speed round.
1230
00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:16,940
This one's called Real or Fake.
1231
00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:17,480
Yeah.
1232
00:54:17,540 --> 00:54:18,680
Let me ask you something.
1233
00:54:19,180 --> 00:54:22,260
And you this round, you tell us if they're
real or they're fake.
1234
00:54:22,320 --> 00:54:22,560
Right.
1235
00:54:22,585 --> 00:54:23,004
Real or fake.
1236
00:54:24,458 --> 00:54:24,881
Ready?
1237
00:54:25,244 --> 00:54:25,940
First one.
1238
00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:27,560
Birds.
1239
00:54:28,700 --> 00:54:29,180
Birds?
1240
00:54:29,440 --> 00:54:30,440
Real.
1241
00:54:31,940 --> 00:54:34,920
Contrary to what you may have read,
birds are real.
1242
00:54:35,160 --> 00:54:36,160
Next one.
1243
00:54:36,920 --> 00:54:37,920
Pigeons.
1244
00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:39,360
Fake.
1245
00:54:39,560 --> 00:54:40,040
What?
1246
00:54:40,460 --> 00:54:41,300
Think about it.
1247
00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:43,420
You ever see a pigeon outside of New York
City?
1248
00:54:43,540 --> 00:54:45,640
You are fully turned around, sir.
1249
00:54:45,641 --> 00:54:46,660
I'll think about it.
1250
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:48,460
Alright, time's almost up.
1251
00:54:48,540 --> 00:54:49,200
Real or fake?
1252
00:54:49,300 --> 00:54:52,200
The media, the Pope, a driver's license.
1253
00:54:52,600 --> 00:54:53,600
All fake.
1254
00:54:54,820 --> 00:54:57,820
I'm sorry, do you not have a driver's
license?
1255
00:54:58,000 --> 00:54:59,560
You think Jesus had a driver's license?
1256
00:54:59,860 --> 00:55:01,300
Not my lord and savior.
1257
00:55:01,680 --> 00:55:05,079
Okay, the app says that we're somehow two
hours away.
1258
00:55:05,220 --> 00:55:06,923
Hey, you going to Newark, right?
1259
00:55:06,952 --> 00:55:08,464
No, JFK.
1260
00:55:08,504 --> 00:55:10,519
Well, you should have thought about that.
Yeah.
1261
00:55:38,467 --> 00:55:40,674
Once again, Billie Eilish.
1262
00:55:42,372 --> 00:55:45,720
Wildflower (2024)
1263
00:55:57,082 --> 00:56:03,082
♪ Things fall apart and
time breaks your heart ♪
1264
00:56:03,555 --> 00:56:09,121
♪ I wasn't there, but I know ♪
1265
00:56:10,111 --> 00:56:15,755
♪ She was your girl, you
showed her the world ♪
1266
00:56:16,301 --> 00:56:22,078
♪ You fell out of love
and you both let go ♪
1267
00:56:22,488 --> 00:56:29,100
♪ She was cryin' on my shoulder,
all I could do was hold her ♪
1268
00:56:29,135 --> 00:56:34,361
♪ Only made us closer until July ♪
1269
00:56:35,805 --> 00:56:41,564
♪ Now I know that you love me,
you don't need to remind me ♪
1270
00:56:42,098 --> 00:56:46,942
♪ I should put it all behind me,
shouldn't I? ♪
1271
00:56:46,987 --> 00:56:53,342
♪ But I see her in the back of my mind ♪
1272
00:56:53,388 --> 00:56:57,921
♪ All the time ♪
1273
00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:06,129
♪ Like a fever, like I'm burning alive ♪
1274
00:57:06,686 --> 00:57:11,619
♪ Like a sign ♪
1275
00:57:14,731 --> 00:57:18,019
♪ Did I cross the line? ♪
1276
00:57:19,286 --> 00:57:24,997
♪ Mm, hm ♪
1277
00:57:29,487 --> 00:57:37,072
♪ Well, good things don't last
And life moves so fast ♪
1278
00:57:37,518 --> 00:57:46,191
♪ I'd never ask who was better
'Cause she couldn't be ♪
1279
00:57:46,837 --> 00:57:55,446
♪ More different from me
Happy and free in leather ♪
1280
00:57:57,024 --> 00:58:02,913
♪ And I know that you love me
You don't need to remind me ♪
1281
00:58:02,937 --> 00:58:07,976
♪ Wanna put it all behind me,
but baby... ♪
1282
00:58:08,001 --> 00:58:20,210
♪ I see her in the back of my mind
All the time ♪
1283
00:58:20,483 --> 00:58:27,349
♪ Feels like a fever,
like I'm burning alive ♪
1284
00:58:27,374 --> 00:58:35,621
♪ Like a sign ♪
1285
00:58:35,646 --> 00:58:43,255
♪ Did I cross the line? ♪
1286
00:59:06,044 --> 00:59:13,186
♪ Do you see her in
the back of your mind? ♪
1287
00:59:13,292 --> 00:59:19,575
♪ In my eyes? ♪
1288
00:59:33,513 --> 00:59:38,345
♪ You say no one knows you so well ♪
1289
00:59:38,786 --> 00:59:44,730
♪ But every time you touch me,
I just wonder how she felt ♪
1290
00:59:45,470 --> 00:59:51,414
♪ Valentine's Day, cryin' in the hotel ♪
1291
00:59:51,439 --> 00:59:59,100
♪ I know you didn't mean to hurt
me, so I kept it to myself ♪
1292
01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:15,740
Thanks for letting me
crash here this weekend.
1293
01:00:15,741 --> 01:00:18,360
Hey, that's what friends are for.
1294
01:00:18,580 --> 01:00:19,993
And cut!
1295
01:00:20,500 --> 01:00:22,610
Okay, we're moving on.
1296
01:00:22,860 --> 01:00:24,476
Now, everybody knows
today's a big day because
1297
01:00:24,477 --> 01:00:27,416
we're about to shoot
our first kill scene.
1298
01:00:27,490 --> 01:00:30,150
So clap those hands, Halloween Rises
family!
1299
01:00:30,175 --> 01:00:31,416
Yeah!
1300
01:00:31,583 --> 01:00:34,358
Mr. Myers, you ready to kill some teens?
1301
01:00:34,383 --> 01:00:35,383
Yes, sir!
1302
01:00:36,220 --> 01:00:38,836
Anyway, so like we
discussed this morning, Haley
1303
01:00:38,837 --> 01:00:41,550
and Lily, you two are
on the couch chatting.
1304
01:00:41,575 --> 01:00:45,675
And remember, between the last scene and
this one, you French kissed and grinded.
1305
01:00:45,700 --> 01:00:46,879
So that's in the air.
1306
01:00:47,770 --> 01:00:49,581
Michael Myers enters
through the patio doors,
1307
01:00:49,582 --> 01:00:51,587
then walks up behind
you and stabs Haley.
1308
01:00:52,020 --> 01:00:52,636
Let's take our places.
1309
01:00:52,878 --> 01:00:53,317
Everybody ready?
1310
01:00:53,351 --> 01:00:53,591
Yeah.
1311
01:00:53,640 --> 01:00:54,804
All right, rolling.
1312
01:00:54,829 --> 01:00:56,135
And let's slate, please.
1313
01:00:56,160 --> 01:00:58,330
Halloween Rises, scene four, take one.
1314
01:00:58,980 --> 01:01:01,246
Okay, and action!
1315
01:01:01,396 --> 01:01:02,375
I don't know, Sasha.
1316
01:01:02,400 --> 01:01:04,675
I just feel like I'm being watched lately.
1317
01:01:04,996 --> 01:01:06,255
Okay, paranoid.
1318
01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:08,335
Just relax and watch the movie.
1319
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:09,005
Okay.
1320
01:01:19,703 --> 01:01:20,611
Okay, let's cut.
1321
01:01:20,670 --> 01:01:21,520
Let's cut.
1322
01:01:24,118 --> 01:01:25,836
Hey, my guy, say your name for me again.
1323
01:01:26,374 --> 01:01:29,194
Oh, it's Jackson, J-A-X-S-O-N.
1324
01:01:30,304 --> 01:01:33,799
Okay, so Jackson, your movements are just
a little too theatrical.
1325
01:01:34,221 --> 01:01:35,435
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
1326
01:01:35,460 --> 01:01:39,080
It's just how I worked on it with the
stunt movement coordinator, Bo.
1327
01:01:39,805 --> 01:01:40,235
Oh, okay.
1328
01:01:40,260 --> 01:01:41,571
Is Bo close by?
1329
01:01:41,596 --> 01:01:43,237
Yeah, very close by, actually.
1330
01:01:44,836 --> 01:01:45,836
Hey, Prince.
1331
01:01:45,960 --> 01:01:47,104
Oh.
1332
01:01:47,862 --> 01:01:48,595
Hey, Bo.
1333
01:01:48,620 --> 01:01:52,028
So when we met, I said that Michael Myers,
you know, he moves slow.
1334
01:01:52,053 --> 01:01:52,961
Like a molasses.
1335
01:01:52,986 --> 01:01:53,444
Right.
1336
01:01:53,976 --> 01:01:57,175
Well, molasses has a kind of sensuality to
it.
1337
01:01:57,200 --> 01:01:57,793
No.
1338
01:01:58,620 --> 01:02:00,315
No, I don't think it does.
1339
01:02:00,340 --> 01:02:03,645
He should actually be more, like,
stiff and just grounded.
1340
01:02:03,670 --> 01:02:04,075
Really?
1341
01:02:04,100 --> 01:02:04,500
Okay.
1342
01:02:04,600 --> 01:02:05,600
Of course, we'll fix it.
1343
01:02:05,640 --> 01:02:06,640
Jackson, you hear that?
1344
01:02:06,780 --> 01:02:07,420
Sharpen it up.
1345
01:02:07,500 --> 01:02:08,020
You got it?
1346
01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:09,100
Go get it.
1347
01:02:10,180 --> 01:02:10,580
Fabulous.
1348
01:02:10,581 --> 01:02:13,155
Let's try it again from your entrance,
Jackson.
1349
01:02:13,180 --> 01:02:18,915
Okay, everybody get set, ready,
and action!
1350
01:02:25,975 --> 01:02:28,375
Stop. Stop. Stop.
1351
01:02:28,400 --> 01:02:29,050
No.
1352
01:02:29,090 --> 01:02:29,833
No.
1353
01:02:30,110 --> 01:02:31,110
That's perfect.
1354
01:02:31,170 --> 01:02:31,830
That's beautiful.
1355
01:02:31,870 --> 01:02:32,430
Thank you.
1356
01:02:32,450 --> 01:02:33,486
No, actually, not perfect.
1357
01:02:33,510 --> 01:02:33,970
Not beautiful.
1358
01:02:34,270 --> 01:02:36,685
We're gonna do no spin this time,
Jackson.
1359
01:02:36,710 --> 01:02:37,830
Just walk in the room.
1360
01:02:37,970 --> 01:02:38,650
All right, still rolling.
1361
01:02:38,710 --> 01:02:39,710
Let's go again.
1362
01:02:39,870 --> 01:02:40,870
Action.
1363
01:02:54,780 --> 01:02:55,520
Yeah, okay.
1364
01:02:55,640 --> 01:02:56,140
Let's cut.
1365
01:02:56,260 --> 01:02:56,620
Let's cut.
1366
01:02:56,621 --> 01:02:56,900
Delicious.
1367
01:02:56,960 --> 01:02:57,720
Moving on.
1368
01:02:57,860 --> 01:02:58,778
Moving on.
1369
01:02:58,969 --> 01:02:59,475
Great.
1370
01:02:59,500 --> 01:02:59,760
No.
1371
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:00,280
No.
1372
01:03:00,300 --> 01:03:00,560
Good job.
1373
01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:01,680
Not moving on.
1374
01:03:01,780 --> 01:03:02,780
Not moving on, actually.
1375
01:03:02,840 --> 01:03:05,578
The murder was too... how do I put this?
1376
01:03:05,920 --> 01:03:07,445
Sassy and flirty?
1377
01:03:08,120 --> 01:03:11,403
It was very JoJo Siwa backup dancer.
1378
01:03:12,595 --> 01:03:15,075
Look, we just need the movement to be
simple, very deliberate.
1379
01:03:15,100 --> 01:03:18,167
Okay, so now I finally get some direction.
1380
01:03:18,767 --> 01:03:20,135
Let me try some new choreo.
1381
01:03:20,160 --> 01:03:20,600
Oh, okay.
1382
01:03:20,660 --> 01:03:20,920
You want this?
1383
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:21,420
Yeah, thanks.
1384
01:03:21,560 --> 01:03:24,175
All right, let's shoot this rehearsal for
framing.
1385
01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:25,805
Guys, let's get set.
1386
01:03:26,220 --> 01:03:27,638
And action, Bo!
1387
01:03:27,780 --> 01:03:28,075
Okay.
1388
01:03:28,100 --> 01:03:30,050
A five, six, seven, eight.
1389
01:03:30,108 --> 01:03:33,273
And a hip, and a hip, and a body roll.
1390
01:03:33,298 --> 01:03:36,278
And a hip tuck, and a shoulder thrust,
and a spin.
1391
01:03:36,659 --> 01:03:37,099
Great.
1392
01:03:37,124 --> 01:03:38,243
And you...
1393
01:03:39,760 --> 01:03:41,004
girl's not worth it.
1394
01:03:44,015 --> 01:03:44,415
Yeah.
1395
01:03:44,440 --> 01:03:44,940
Oh, no.
1396
01:03:45,080 --> 01:03:45,460
No.
1397
01:03:45,540 --> 01:03:46,540
No.
1398
01:03:46,591 --> 01:03:47,591
No.
1399
01:03:47,869 --> 01:03:48,615
No, cut.
1400
01:03:48,800 --> 01:03:49,800
Cut.
1401
01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:50,880
She is worth it.
1402
01:03:50,900 --> 01:03:52,075
You do have to kill her.
1403
01:03:53,158 --> 01:03:54,366
You guys actually are fired.
1404
01:03:54,391 --> 01:03:57,979
Tom, can we get, like, anybody from the
crew to put on the mask and try a take?
1405
01:03:59,208 --> 01:04:00,208
Oh, my God.
1406
01:04:00,740 --> 01:04:03,087
Success is when preparation meets
opportunity.
1407
01:04:04,029 --> 01:04:05,122
Kiai!
1408
01:04:19,120 --> 01:04:22,660
Well, it is just great to meet the other
half that's paying for this wedding.
1409
01:04:23,600 --> 01:04:24,240
Hear, hear.
1410
01:04:24,380 --> 01:04:25,440
We're family now.
1411
01:04:25,620 --> 01:04:26,480
I'm into that.
1412
01:04:26,580 --> 01:04:27,660
Boy, you two are a hoot.
1413
01:04:27,960 --> 01:04:28,360
Babe!
1414
01:04:28,800 --> 01:04:30,460
Our parents are really vibing.
1415
01:04:30,580 --> 01:04:30,960
I know.
1416
01:04:31,020 --> 01:04:33,420
It feels like they're going to start a
group chat without us.
1417
01:04:34,840 --> 01:04:35,240
Hello.
1418
01:04:35,760 --> 01:04:37,900
Did you guys order the table-side guac?
1419
01:04:38,100 --> 01:04:38,820
Oh, we sure did.
1420
01:04:39,120 --> 01:04:41,560
And did you want that mild, medium,
or hot?
1421
01:04:42,060 --> 01:04:43,860
Jonathan, mild, medium, or hoté?
1422
01:04:45,200 --> 01:04:46,640
Your name's not... I don't know.
1423
01:04:46,641 --> 01:04:47,220
Beth, is it?
1424
01:04:47,660 --> 01:04:48,660
Oh, me?
1425
01:04:48,780 --> 01:04:49,220
No.
1426
01:04:49,360 --> 01:04:50,360
It's Maggie.
1427
01:04:51,420 --> 01:04:53,060
Morristown, Massachusetts, 1987.
1428
01:04:53,360 --> 01:04:54,800
Doesn't mean anything to you at all?
1429
01:04:55,420 --> 01:04:55,860
No.
1430
01:04:56,020 --> 01:04:57,920
In 87, I would have been two.
1431
01:04:58,100 --> 01:04:58,360
Right.
1432
01:04:58,660 --> 01:04:59,100
Sorry.
1433
01:04:59,360 --> 01:04:59,780
Right.
1434
01:04:59,860 --> 01:05:00,020
Sorry.
1435
01:05:00,080 --> 01:05:02,340
You just... you remind me of Beth,
is all.
1436
01:05:03,300 --> 01:05:03,740
Okay.
1437
01:05:03,960 --> 01:05:05,060
First I'm hearing a Beth.
1438
01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:05,800
Yeah.
1439
01:05:05,980 --> 01:05:08,000
Well, it was a long time ago.
1440
01:05:08,460 --> 01:05:09,120
You know.
1441
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:09,720
Sorry.
1442
01:05:09,920 --> 01:05:11,000
Just do your guac.
1443
01:05:11,080 --> 01:05:12,080
Sorry.
1444
01:05:12,440 --> 01:05:13,640
So what was Beth like?
1445
01:05:15,320 --> 01:05:16,020
Oh, man.
1446
01:05:16,100 --> 01:05:16,560
I'm sorry.
1447
01:05:16,580 --> 01:05:16,620
I'm sorry.
1448
01:05:16,640 --> 01:05:17,640
I'm sorry.
1449
01:05:17,760 --> 01:05:18,280
Man.
1450
01:05:18,440 --> 01:05:19,660
How much time you got?
1451
01:05:20,940 --> 01:05:24,160
I was in Morristown doing a little summer
stock production.
1452
01:05:24,840 --> 01:05:26,500
Beth worked at the box office.
1453
01:05:27,200 --> 01:05:28,320
She had hair like yours.
1454
01:05:28,700 --> 01:05:30,040
Smile like yours, too.
1455
01:05:31,640 --> 01:05:33,966
Best damn laugh in the world.
1456
01:05:33,991 --> 01:05:34,991
Final answer.
1457
01:05:36,324 --> 01:05:37,583
Yeah...
What about mine?
1458
01:05:39,158 --> 01:05:39,780
Yeah.
1459
01:05:41,320 --> 01:05:43,740
Well, my name's not Beth.
1460
01:05:43,960 --> 01:05:46,620
And I certainly don't know what Bob has
done.
1461
01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:49,398
I don't know where the
box office is, but I do know
1462
01:05:49,399 --> 01:05:52,080
a thing or two about
leaving things in shambles.
1463
01:05:52,680 --> 01:05:54,140
Mine's name was Benny.
1464
01:05:54,165 --> 01:05:55,880
Okay, wonderful story time.
1465
01:05:55,905 --> 01:05:56,905
Thank you.
1466
01:05:56,940 --> 01:05:59,831
And can we get some waters, please?
1467
01:05:59,856 --> 01:06:00,316
Oh, yeah, of course.
1468
01:06:00,341 --> 01:06:01,524
Wait, wait, wait.
1469
01:06:02,866 --> 01:06:03,675
What was Benny like?
1470
01:06:03,700 --> 01:06:04,700
Honey!
1471
01:06:05,801 --> 01:06:07,201
What wasn't Benny like?
1472
01:06:09,392 --> 01:06:10,686
Benny was everything
you thought you wanted
1473
01:06:10,711 --> 01:06:13,277
when you were too young
to know what you want.
1474
01:06:14,009 --> 01:06:18,629
Long hair, thin, really defined gums.
1475
01:06:19,100 --> 01:06:20,965
The type of guy you could break.
1476
01:06:21,690 --> 01:06:24,848
What I wouldn't give to not know what I
didn't know then but know now.
1477
01:06:26,045 --> 01:06:28,195
That Benny would break me.
1478
01:06:29,955 --> 01:06:30,955
What?
1479
01:06:34,063 --> 01:06:34,635
I was Benny.
1480
01:06:34,660 --> 01:06:37,680
Like, I was... Like, I
was Benny to Beth, really.
1481
01:06:38,380 --> 01:06:39,035
She was too good.
1482
01:06:39,060 --> 01:06:39,755
She was kind.
1483
01:06:39,780 --> 01:06:41,018
Too kind, really.
1484
01:06:41,443 --> 01:06:43,215
I would love to get out of here.
1485
01:06:43,240 --> 01:06:47,440
You know, when no one came to our
production of Cyrano, she bought all the
1486
01:06:47,441 --> 01:06:50,675
tickets and she'd hand them out to the
homeless people in the area.
1487
01:06:51,024 --> 01:06:51,635
Guess what?
1488
01:06:51,660 --> 01:06:53,855
Every single one of them showed up.
1489
01:06:53,880 --> 01:06:57,363
And they gave me that Cyrano de
Bergerac standing ovation, by the way.
1490
01:06:58,095 --> 01:06:59,095
It was beautiful.
1491
01:06:59,560 --> 01:07:00,560
Beautiful.
1492
01:07:01,195 --> 01:07:04,115
Until the fist fight broke out and a 70
-year-old woman got stabbed.
1493
01:07:04,140 --> 01:07:10,111
But, you know, before I could ask Beth to
marry me, I kissed her sister.
1494
01:07:10,144 --> 01:07:11,610
You what?
1495
01:07:11,635 --> 01:07:12,035
Yeah.
1496
01:07:12,476 --> 01:07:16,816
You know, it's what we do with what we're
given that gives us what we get.
1497
01:07:18,604 --> 01:07:19,604
Wow.
1498
01:07:20,482 --> 01:07:21,980
Tell me you write.
1499
01:07:22,544 --> 01:07:23,604
I want to.
1500
01:07:23,685 --> 01:07:24,543
I want to write.
1501
01:07:24,568 --> 01:07:25,708
But she confines me.
1502
01:07:25,733 --> 01:07:26,818
Excuse me?
1503
01:07:26,943 --> 01:07:28,251
You say I'm not a writer.
1504
01:07:28,562 --> 01:07:30,643
No, I say you need income.
1505
01:07:31,296 --> 01:07:33,135
That's your opinion!
1506
01:07:33,797 --> 01:07:36,520
Look, okay, yeah.
1507
01:07:37,462 --> 01:07:38,462
See?
1508
01:07:38,938 --> 01:07:40,715
Beth probably wouldn't have said it like
that.
1509
01:07:40,740 --> 01:07:42,371
So, uh, check, please.
1510
01:08:00,762 --> 01:08:05,520
All right!
Thanks to Billie Eilish.
1511
01:08:07,838 --> 01:08:12,087
Maya Rudolph, Alec Baldwin,
Dana Carvey, Andy Samberg
1512
01:08:13,321 --> 01:08:15,320
How great are these guys?
1513
01:08:15,321 --> 01:08:17,320
Thank you very much.
1514
01:08:17,321 --> 01:08:20,320
And don't forget, too...
thank you very much!
1515
01:08:20,344 --> 01:08:22,344
by CharadaBR
97574
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