All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.2011.S06E14.A.House.Divided.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTB

[ Both giggling ]

I can't believe
I've never noticed

this incredibly beautiful
freckle on your nose.

Ugh!

It's just one more part of you
for me to love.

[ Laughs ]
- Hello, freckle.

I love you!

Ugh.

Wait a minute.

Now I guess you love
that freckle more than me?

Maybe. What are you
gonna do about it?

Mm, I don't know.
Maybe I'll just kiss you.

Oh, not if I
kiss you first.

Not if I kiss
you first.

All right, you know what?
I have to leave.

Why don't you just
let me know who wins?

Oh, hey, honey.
- Oh, hey.

[ Sighs ]
- What's going on?

Mm.
- Hey.

Oh, thanks.
I needed that.

-Why?
-Mandy and Kyle

are driving me crazy with
their hugsy, cutesy, snuggly...

Ah.

I think the word
you're looking for is...

[ Gags ]

I mean, I realize they're
newlyweds, but come on!

I mean, Kyle is in there talking
to one of her freckles.

Well, it's almost like
talking to Mandy.

And I know they're living here
to save money for a house,

but I am about ready
to just give them this one.

Hey, we can get them
out of the house.

Yeah?

They're both afraid
of ghosts, right?

We got plenty of sheets upstairs
in the linen closet.

Easy fix.

Whoo!

Don't mind me. Just grabbing
a drink for my husband.

Will I ever get tired
of saying that?

No, I'll just
have some of yours.

It'll be so much sweeter
once your lips have touched it.

[ Gags ]

I bet you wish you could drink
everything from my lips.

I bet you're gonna win
that bet.

[ Laughs ]

That is every minute
of every day.

All right, all right,
all right.

We got to fix this.
- Yeah.

I'll get rid of the liquids,
you put on a sheet.

What?

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ Both giggling ]

Uh-oh.
You better run.

Can't stop the change,
becoming Tickle-Bot.

[ Screams, laughs ]

Oh, great.

They've stepped up
their game.

Aah! Somebody help me!
It's Tickle-Bot!

[ Laughs ]

They know we're watching,
and yet they don't stop.

It's like being
at the zoo!

Hey, chimps, chimps!

Chimps!

Oh, uh, sorry,
Mr. and Mrs. B.

Tickle-Bot is programmed
for one thing only.

[ Robotic voice ]
Tickling?

[ Robotic voice ]
I see we have met before.

[ Normal voice ] Ow!
That hurts.

[ Normal voice ] Yeah,
it's the on and off switch.

Now you're off,
Tickle-Bot.

Um, we are kind of
- in the middle of something.

Well, welcome to
the end of something.

All right, you know,
g-get off him for a minute.

What?
- Just get off.

What?
- Off the chair, off of him.

I am!

Look, we -- we can't
help but notice

that you two are
- a lot more affectionate lately,

which is, um...

Disgusting.

Truly disgusting.

We're --
No, we're married now.

It's legal.
- Yeah.

Slaughtering hogs
is legal.

You want to see that
in the living room?

You -- You didn't behave
like this before.

Yeah,
'cause we were dating,

and we knew that
you'd disapprove.

But now we're married,
so sorry my husband loves me.

[ Chuckles ]

And I do love her.

I-I just want
to make her happy.

Oh, you do make me happy,
Turtle.

So, so happy.

Turtle kiss!
- Okay!

Okay, guys, guys, guys,
stop it!

I'll flip you on your back!
You'll never get up!

Look, I just want you to remember
that there are other people...

Right. - ...in this house who
don't want to watch all this.

What?

I don't believe this!
You guys are both such...

[ Clears throat ]

What's the word for someone
who tells you

to not do something even though
they do it all the time?

Are you looking for
the word "hypocrite"?

Female voice:
Here are the directions

to Mile High Stadium.

Fine! Fine!
The word you just said.

I've been watching you two grope
each other my entire life.

We don't grope! No!
We don't grope each other!

Come on.

Your father and I
are just affectionate.

Seriously? You guys, like,
maul each other all the time.

Yeah, it's great.

Before I met you,
I-I thought married people

just threw stuff
at each other.

And gave their kids money
to lie to the judge.

No, babe, it's not great.
It's gross.

I mean, it's one thing

when young, attractive people
like us do it.

But, you know,
when old people do it --

In commercials, they don't even
put them in the same bathtub.

This isn't about us.

It's about you two,
and -- and you just got to learn

to tone it down a little bit.
Yeah.

Fine. Well, if we have
to cool it, so do you.

Fine. Fine.

What?
Yeah, well, you know what?

Let's just keep it
behind closed doors.

It's worth it
if it'll get them to stop.

You guys are making me
hate love!

We-- I -- Can we still
turtle kiss?

Vanessa: No. No. Just do not!
Stop!

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!

♪♪

Oh, my goodness.

Get in here.
Let me take the guitar.

Uh, it's frozen
to my hand.

You might have to chip off
a few of my fingers.

[ Shivers ]

Did you at least
make any money?

Yeah, $4.

Well, it was $8,
but when you need a fire,

you need a fire.

Look, I really don't like you
performing outside

in the middle of winter.

Well, spring's
- just right around the corner,

and hopefully,
I'll be dead by then.

Here's a funny
coincidence.

Uh, I've been looking
for a musician

to perform here at night.

Huh. Where? - Yeah.

Right over there.

Uh, over there.

Uh, anyway [chuckles]
we've been talking about it

at all the staff meetings.

So if I were to
ask the staff,

they would back you up
on that?

Yes, but don't do that.

[ Laughs ]

And I-I even
put an ad in, uh,

the Denver...Musicians
For Hire Magazine.

Even when magazines existed,
that one didn't.

Look, you'd be doing me
a huge favor, okay?

I need someone
to play over there.

Or -- Or there.

I know you're lying.

No, I'm not.

All right,
hey, it doesn't matter.

Except to God, which
isn't really my problem.

I'm in.
- Good.

I'm looking forward
to playing here...

or there.

Hey, Mike.

Please take a look
at this

when you get a chance,
please?

Sure.
- Okay.

Hey, hey.
- Yeah?

Do you -- Do you think
I'm too affectionate?

Well...

Okay, uh...yes, Mike.

That's the -- That's the beef
that everybody has with you.

I mean with my wife.

Mm-hmm.

My kid was talking about it
this morning.

It made me feel like
a pervert.

I see. Because you
- hug and hold hands in public

and kiss every time
you see one another?

Yeah. Right.
- I see.

I have to go with the kid
on this one.

But we're married.

Normal married couples
never even touch each other.

All right?

The problem is, you two make
marriage look good. - Hmm.

See, and then I'm suckered
into trying it,

and the next thing you know,
I'm writing alimony checks

to three women
who hate me.

Hey.
- [ Chuckling ] Hey.

Hey. Hi.

I'm not falling
for that again.

What was that about?
I don't know.

I guess he agrees with Mandy
on the affection thing.

We're not the people
in the zoo.

We're the chimps.

I know. I know.

I guess a lot of people
feel that way.

Yeah, explains why the guy
at Starbucks looked at us

and gave me the cup
that said "Horndog" on it.

And my yoga teacher,
she said every time she sees us,

it makes her realize how
passionless her marriage is.

Isn't that great?

Well, I didn't know
so many people were watching us.

Now either
we got to stop it,

or we got to start
charging people.

No, I-I-I don't
want to change.

I like the way we are
with each other.

So do I.
- Yeah.

You know, uh...
we're alone now.

[ Laughing ]
- Right here in the office?

Honey, is-- isn't that
kind of naughty?

That's how it feels
every time

I kiss a beautiful woman
in my office.

Ooh.

You know, this could, uh --
could really spice things up.

Yeah. - Thinking that our love
is forbidden makes it fun.

Yeah, you're like
the new Spice Girl.

Ooh.

Granny Spice.

Killing the moment.
Let's eat.

Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

sitting here with 160 horsepower
between my legs.

I've also got this cool
snowmobile sitting here --

the Polaris 800.

You know,
for thousands of years,

heavy snow made land impassable.

Over time, man invented
the sled, the engine,

and the motorcycle.

But it took a French-Canadian
lunatic named Bombardier

to put them all together.

And as he would have said,
"Voilà!"

Here she is.

There's nothing
more exhilarating

than defying Mother Nature
on one of these.

Mom Nature will say,
"I will freeze the water,

and thou shall not pass."

[ Scoffs ]

You just give her the finger
on the way by.

Sometimes people get
a bit uncomfortable

watching you ride her.

The sled.

And you know what makes it
even more fun?

Spice it up
by doing it somewhere

you're not supposed to.

Like, well, you didn't
hear this from me,

but restricted [clears throat]
federal land.

The snow is great in
some remote patches of Wyoming.

And you haven't lived
until you've slalomed

between buried ICBM silos.

Yeah, no matter how perfect
you think an activity is,

it can always use
a little spicing up.

Ain't that right, baby?

♪ I've run out of time ♪

♪ To try and know you
all over again ♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Thank you.

No, really,
your chewing is all I need.

It's like you're applauding
with your mouths.

[ Inhales deeply ]

I'm gonna go on break.

Now your hands work?

She's adorable.

Yep, I was there when
she was born. You know that?

And now look at her.

Yeah, she's really
something.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

You have to fire her.

What?
She's my sister.

So what? I once knocked
my sister off a motorcycle.

Give these people time,
okay?

They'll -- They'll grow
to love her like we do.

Or they'll eat
someplace else.

Kind of excited to see
which one it is.

[ Chuckles ]
I'm not.

The customers don't like it,
all right?

They've got the money,
so they win.

It's her first night.

And her last.

Great stuff, kiddo.

Yeah.

Oh, he wants you to fire me,
doesn't he?

What? Wh-Why?
Why would you say that?

Because his customers
don't like me.

There's a big article
about it

in the Denver Musicians
For Hire Magazine.

I don't know
what planet you're on,

but you
are killing it here.

Now get back up there,
you!

Okay, you're either being
an overprotective sister

or a horrible
restaurant manager.

Can't I be both?
I mean neither?

Just go!
- [ Groans ]

♪♪

Mike?
Whatcha doing?

Looking for
that brown scarf.

They're trendy again, so I want
to make sure I throw it out.

Guess what.

Hm.
- We're alone.

Right.
- Mm-hmm.

But who knows how long
that will last?

[ Laughs ]

You're really enjoying all this
sneaking around, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, maybe a little.
- Yeah?

It's like we're teenagers.

Except now I have money
and an actual woman.

Mm.

[ Car door closes,
alarm chirps ]

Well, that will be
the end of that.

Uh, it -- it doesn't
have to be.

Why?
- Um, just...in the closet.

Let's go. Let's go.
- The closet?

Yeah, it'll be fun.
- We'll be standing up, though.

It'll be like that time
you hurt your back.

Thanks for coming
to visit my grandma.

I know how you feel about
the shoes the nurses wear.

It's like, I know
you're saving lives,

but can you do it
in a pump?

Hey, Mom, Dad!
We're back.

Hello?

Well,
they must not be home.

Hey.

Kyle.

Oh, you're back.

Mike: Mm.

What were you doing
in the closet?

It's pretty obvious,
isn't it?

Moth check.
It's clear.

They could be lying.

I can't believe
you guys!

I thought we were all supposed
to tone it down.

Oh, co-- What is the problem?
We were behind closed doors.

I mean, I sa--
I said that was okay.

This is ridiculous.

I can't even hold hands
with my husband.

You two are in there doing
God knows what in the closet.

Oh, come --
Nothing happened!

What do you mean,
"nothing happened"?

I found that scarf.

This isn't working.
Kyle and I are married.

We should be able to do
what we want where we want.

Uh, but this is our house,
so...no, you shouldn't.

I agree with you.

You agree?
Yeah, it is your house.

You should be able
to dictate the rules.

So the only solution
is to not be in this house.

What are you
talking about?

Kyle and I are gonna get
our own place, okay?

We're moving out.

Yep, well, they weren't lying,
honey.

Not one moth.

Come on, babe. We got to go start
looking for a place to live.

What's going on?
Well, how long was I in there?

What?
How about that?

Well, they're leaving.

We literally
grossed them out.

So...
- Hey.

...their car's gone.
We must be alone.

Uh, yeah, Mandy and Kyle
are out looking at apartments.

Honey, I am worried.

What?
It is a rough world out there

for a freckle-faced girl
and her turtle.

Yeah, I'm worried, too.

Want to take a shower?

A shower?
No!

Come on!

Bath?
- [ Scoffs ]

Separate tubs?

The plan was always to let
Mandy and Kyle live here

until they could afford a safe place.
Yeah, I know. Right, right.

But have you seen these
neighborhoods they're looking at?

These are sketchy areas.

How do you know what neighborhoods
they're looking at?

Well, remember that
gizmo we got Mandy

to help her keep track
of her keys?

Yeah.
- Well, it turns out

you can use it
keep track of Mandy.

Who knew?
[ Chuckles ]

Wait.

You got me one of those.

Yours is different.

Look, I-I just wish Mandy and
Kyle didn't have to move out.

Well, they could stay here if they
just tone it down a little bit.

Oh, come on.
We were that way.

They're just doing
what newlyweds do.

We never did any of that stuff
in front of your parents.

We still don't do any
of that stuff at your parents',

and they're
practically blind.

Well, I think
- Mandy and Kyle should stay.

Come on, i-it's gonna
get better once --

once they're through
this honeymoon phase.

They're just having
their honeymoon here.

That's what they're doing.
They never had a honeymoon.

Yeah, they should be on
a romantic beach somewhere.

That's right --
- grossing out total strangers.

Wait a minute.
- We could make this happen.

Well, yeah, I mean, if they get
all this out of their system,

it should be easier
to live with.

Yeah. Yeah, and if they got
real sunburned,

we'd have another
two weeks of peace.

Goodbye, Tickle-Bot.

Yeah!

Hello, Lobster Boy.

♪♪

E-Bax in the house.
What up?

Ugh.
Stop it, Kristin.

They already hate me.
Will you just fire me already?

Why would I do that

when you are totally,
totally crushing it, huh?

Okay, because I realized
what you were doing.

You -- You feel like
you have to protect me

because
I'm your little sister.

No, I don't know
- what you're talking about.

Okay,
you've always done it,

like when I couldn't
sell any wrapping paper

for my soccer team
and you bought all of it.

I needed it.

Um,
that was 10 years ago,

and I'm pretty sure
it's still in your closet.

Yeah, I needed it to fill
some space in my closet.

Okay, look, we're adults now,
and I just think it's time

for us to have
- a more honest relationship.

I want that, too.

But I can't fire you.

Okay.

Well, you leave me
no choice.

I'm gonna start with
my all-harmonica set...

No, no, Eve. Not the harmonica.
...unless I'm fired.

No, no.
Seriously, stop.

Seriously, stop, stop.
Eve.

Only one thing you can do
to make me stop.

[ Harmonica plays ]

♪ And you know
what it is ♪

[ Harmonica plays ]

♪ You have got to
fire me ♪

♪ You know what it is ♪

[ Harmonica plays ]

♪ Or this could go
all night ♪

Okay, Eve, you're fired!
You're fired.

Thank you.
Thank you.

[ Sighs ]
I knew you could do it.

I can't believe
I fired you.

I'm a monster.

No, you're not.

Look, come here,
come here.

Come up here.
- What? Why?

Okay, everyone?

Who thinks she was right
by firing me?

Okay, thank you.

Ingrates.

The people have spoken,
Kristin.

The awful, awful people!

All right, all right, all right,
I get it.

I get it, okay?

But I don't like it.

I mean,
you're my baby sister.

Not anymore.

I'm just your sister.

Doesn't this feel better?

Mm, kind of does.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

♪ She fired her sis ♪

[ Harmonica plays ]

♪ She's a horrible person ♪

Okay, okay, enough.
Out, enough.

Okay, okay, I'm going.

I'm going now.
Thank you.

♪♪

What if this doesn't work,
Mike?

Well, then, I ate like
12 pickles for nothing.

All right.

Hi. Heard you guys
wanted to see us.

Yeah, we want to talk about
you guys moving out.

We're working on it.

We've got some good leads.
Yeah.

We just hit a little snag.

Mm-hmm.
Our Realtor was shot.

I bet it was in
a bad area.

Not really -- upper arm.

All right, well, look,
your dad and I have decided

that you guys should be able
to show some affection.

Just nowhere we can see it
or hear it.

So, we're
sending you away.

Oh, God.
I can't go back to foster care.

No, we're -- we're not sending
them away, Mike.

We are sending you on
a long-overdue honeymoon.

Really?
- Yeah.

You guys,
thank you so much!

Wow!
Thank you!

That's so generous!
Kyle, do you hear?

They're sending us on a trip
around the world!

San Diego.

First class!
- Coach.

No, he's kidding.
He's kidding.

Uh, look, i-it'll be someplace
that you choose within reason.

Right.
- But we are going to provide you

with some spending money.

Oh.

Unless
you're a Charger fan,

San Diego's nice
this time of year.

Holy moly!
A jar full of money?

That must have
been expensive.

No, no, no.
- Not so fast. Not so fast.

To help you learn some discretion
for when you come back,

we have come up
with a little game.

That's $780.

Wow. Wow, that --
that was close.

It's -- It's $800.

Actually, I took $20 out
for something.

Forget the honeymoon.
I'm taking Rain Man to Vegas.

All right,
here's the game.

Every time that we feel that
you guys have crossed a line,

we're gonna take $20
out of the jar.

But how will we know
when we've crossed a line?

'Cause there'll be less
money in the jar. Yeah.

Look, I-I don't know if
I'm gonna be able to do this.

Yeah, it's a jar full of money.
Get your hands off me.

Well, look at that.

Money does conquer all,
doesn't it?

Come on, honey.
- Let's let the jar do its work.

This was a great idea.

I don't know --
- throwing money at a problem.

Damn it.
We're Democrats.

Okay, listen up.
I'm gonna need at least

three feet between you guys
at all times.

What are you
doing here?

Mom and Dad asked me to narc on
you guys when you guys get gross.

What? I don't believe that
Mom and Dad said that.

Mm, questioning their
authority -- that's a $20.

No. Excuse me!

That was not something
they objected to!

Questioning my authority --
that's another $20.

Hey!

This seems like
a different game.

Stupidity -- that's gonna
cost you $40, my friend.

No!
Put the money back!

All right, fine.

There.
- Thank you.

She kept $20.