All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.2011.S06E13.Explorers.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTB

Hey.
What's for breakfast?

Just liquids for me,

and not the fun kind
that come in a beer bottle.

Ooh, you're doing
a cleanse.

That's so much work.

You know, I heard that Rihanna
just gets new blood.

Much easier.

Actually, it's prep
for a colonoscopy.

Less of a cleanse,
more of a purge.

Yep, I got to get
my pipes cleaned out

so my doctor can take
a high-definition video

of my fire escape.

You know what?

You've been so disgusting
for so long,

it's actually
stopped bothering me.

I thought you were playing poker
with the guys tonight.

I am. We're gonna do
this prep together.

You know what they say --
dysentery loves company.

We got this
on a funny video

with Martin Short, Tom Hanks,
and Steve Martin.

I've never heard of them.

-Hey, guys. Good morning.
-Good morning. Good morning.

What's up?

Well, Ryan and Boyd
are off to Canada

to see
the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Wow.
- Pfft.

In France, they think the Louvre
is a museum.

The vegan's gone,
and I want some meat.

Why isn't there any bacon?

Dad's not eating.
He's draining his swamp.

(laughs)

Colonoscopy tomorrow.

Oh, good thing you love having
your picture taken.

(chuckles)

Yeah, you know what? I'll put it
on my driver's license.

People are gonna say,
"Have you lost weight?"

Hey, you know what?

Since the guys
aren't gonna be here,

we should have
a slumber party

like we used to do
when we were kids.

Oh,
those were so much fun.

Up all night,
talking about what boys like me,

what boys
probably like me.

-Oh, hey, Kris.
-Hey, morning.

Morning, sweetie.
Mom, Kris and Eve and I

are gonna have a slumber party
here tonight.

That okay with you?
I would love to.

What?

Hey,
that sounds like fun --

a slumber party
with your mom.

You know what?

We -- We could do
arts and crafts.

(gasps)
I have tons of felt.

Oh, wow.

Bye, honey.
- Bye.

You know what?

I think your party's gonna be
worse than mine.

I'm all set for tonight,
man.

Got my poker set

and 62 ounces
of liquid plumber.

(chuckles)

Scared?

I'm a Marine.

Yes.

Well, you should be.
It's like a tsunami in a bottle.

What?
- Hey, Mr. B., this came for you.

I had to sign for it
and everything.

It's a big-boy day
for you, huh, Kyle?

The Explorers Museum.
Oh, that's great.

Yes, it is.
Yes, it is!

Finally, they want me
to submit an artifact.

Oh, and your name
will be immortalized

with all those
famous explorers,

like that guy who found
that thing on the mountain

or that lady who pulled
that doohickey from the river.

Their names live on and on,
don't they?

Hey, what are you
gonna submit?

This 1,000-year-old
spearhead.

I found it
in a Honduran rainforest.

Came from
a lost civilization.

Wow. I can't believe they let you
take that out of the country.

Well, the Hondurans
are a very trusting people.

They trust it
when you tell them at Customs,

"Yeah, I got that
at a gift shop."

Wait a minute.
There's Ed.

I got to show him this.

Oh, he's gonna be
really happy for you.

No, he's wanted this forever.
It's gonna kill him.

I love that you two like to
make each other miserable.

It's called friendship,
Kyle.

Hey, Ed,
I got some big news.

Want to read you
something here.

Not today, Mike.

I'm just -- I'm not in the mood.
I'm sorry.

I'll just read you a little --
- I --

This is the day
that the Explorers Museum

sends out their invitations.

And I did not
get an envelope.

And I bet you think
there's not a bit of news

that could make you feel
any worse.

You're right.
There isn't. No.

It's never gonna happen
for me.

Well, you didn't have to
say it like that.

No.
No, who am I kidding?

Come on.
I'm not a real outdoorsman.

I'm a rich wannabe who sells
equipment to the real ones.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Hey, Mr. Alzate, what's worse --
- Yeah?

Mr. B. getting in the Explorers
Museum or his zingers? Ooh.

You got invited?

Yeah, that was the news.
Look, Ed, sorry.

But you know
what's gonna happen?

You're gonna get in because
you're a great, great man.

Oh, direct hit!

I'm very happy for you, Mike.
Yes, I am.

There's nothing better
than seeing a friend

receive an honor that...

you've wanted
your entire adult life.

Man, the zingers
between you two

are getting more
and more subtle.

♪♪

I can't believe Mom
is crashing our sleepover.

Yeah, didn't she also crash
our Mother's Day brunch?

Yeah, actually.

Hey, Eve.
Hey, excited for tonight?

Yeah, I've got some crazy
stories to tell you about Rob.

And a few questions.

Mom's joining us.

Oh, see ya.

Hey. Oh!
- Okay. Now I'm trapped.

There she is,

what every great party needs --
a chaperone.

Uh, well, would a chaperone
bring a...

Bedazzler?

Be-definitely.

Okay. So, uh --
so that's just my thing.

Um, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

How about (gasps)
tiramisu?

Oh, hello.
I have tira-missed you.

(laughs)
Good one, good one!

Uh, and is nobody interested
in watching

Ryan Gosling
build a house...

shirtless?!
- That's how - all houses should be built.

Hmm.

And which one of you
likes wine?

Because I am drawing
a complete...

blanc.

Wine, dessert, Gosling?
Well-played, Mother.

Welcome to
the slumber party.

(chuckles)
Thank you, thank you.

So, let's, uh, turn some
Clorox bottles into piggy banks.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

But, uh -- But --
But I have been saving them.

♪♪

Hey, Mr. B., I -- I still
feel really bad

about spilling the beans
to Mr. Alzate.

You got to stop
apologizing for this.

Although that "I'm sorry" Jell-O
was kind of fun.

Well, I went with lime 'cause
it's the most apologetic flavor

and strawberries
for grieving

and orange is, obviously,
for graduations.

Well, no matter
what color they are,

they all come from
cows' feet.

Hey, is, uh,
Mr. Alzate okay?

He's gonna be fine.

I felt really bad for him,
so I called the museum,

and they're gonna change
the award

to include all of Outdoor Man
so he'll feel part of it.

Does that mean I'm included,
too?

I'm a part of Outdoor Man.

Oh, yeah, Kyle,
and a very valuable part.

Pick that up,
will you?

Hey, Mikey, I just got a call
from the Explorers Museum.

Yeah?

Turns out you were wrong.

Well, that doesn't
sound like me.

It sure doesn't.

Don't need any help.

Looks like the invitation
wasn't just for you.

It was for Outdoor Man.

I'm shocked,
and Kyle's stunned silent.

Yeah.

You know, it's good
to see you happy, though.

Yeah. And I know exactly what
I'm gonna submit.

Good.
- My spearhead.

Your spearhead?

And just see
the plaque now --

"Donated by Ed Alzate
of Ed Alzate's Outdoor Man."

Yeah. I-I've got to call
the kids. Where's my phone?

You're holding it.

Oh, right.
(laughs) Right!

Today, I'm not even gonna worry
about how often that happens.

Wow. He just totally stole
your stolen artifact.

What's the Jell-O color
for betrayal?

Grape.

Great thing
about this poker game is

I don't have to bring beer
or chips or anything.

I mean, not that I would anyway,
but this time, it's not rude.

Tonight, anyone can use
any bathroom.

This is not North Carolina.

Anything to add,
Baxter?

Yeah, and this is coming
from experience.

(clears throat)
Don't cough.

Hey, Mr. B., have you said
anything to Mr. Alzate?

No, no, I'm not gonna.

As important as
that spear is to me,

I think it's important to let
the boss have a win, right?

Wow.

You know, if the guy
who had found that thing

on the mountain
felt that way,

his name would have been
totally forgotten.

You know, this isn't so bad.
I salted the rim.

So, shall we start?

All right.

Kyle, you know your job?
Yep.

When someone gets up
to go to the bathroom,

I jump in
and play their hand.

And?
- Try not to be a dumbass.

Exactly.

Gentlemen, another toast.

To invasive
medical procedures.

Oh, you're in for a treat,
Chuck.

Your first time, it's kind of
like your first girl,

you know, only...horrible.

This is my second cup.

About how long does this stuff
take to --

Oh, wow.

Amazing.
He runs pretty fast.

I can't believe
he can't catch a shoplifter.

All right, let's see what
Mr. Larabee's got.

Mm-hmm.
- Oh, man.

I mean...oh, man!

All in.

So, um, Joe,
did you hear?

I've been asked to submit
to the Explorers Museum.

Well, technically,
the store has been asked.

Mm,
sounds like sour grapes.

Not sour grapes.
I'm just trying to be accurate.

You know, the last museum
I went to was incredible.

I mean,
the Tom Cruise was so lifelike,

you could almost bend over
and pat his head.

Yeah, I'm gonna submit
a spearhead

that I found while hiking
in a rainforest in Brazil.

It was Honduras.

I think
I know my rainforests.

Do you? 'Cause they're
in different hemispheres.

They don't even have the same
species of monkey in them.

Well, at least they both
have monkeys.

Our country blows.

I remember it perfectly.
It was a full moon.

Midday.

It was the height
of the rainy season.

Bone dry!

Who's telling the story?

Well, you're telling some story,
but not the real story.

Look, I found that spearhead
in Honduras, midday, bone-dry.

You were up in the cantina
with some woman named Maria.

That can't be right.

That's exactly what --

Oh, boy.
Here comes the judge.

Oh. What'd I miss?

Oh, Ed grabbed a spearhead
from a monkey in a cantina.

♪♪

So, then Travis
told me about

this college party
over in Boulder.

Really?

Yeah, and then
I was like,

"No, I got to get home
for my curfew."

And then I did.

Yet I recall
a different story --

You giving me 10 bucks
to stuff pillows in your bed

so Mom thought
you were home.

(laughs loudly)

Aah.
- Ahh, memories!

Funny, fuzzy,
conflicting memories.

Oh, come on.
I knew about that.

I just -- I trusted you
to make good decisions.

Why?

I -- You're only
a teenager once.

When did you get so cool?

Yeah, why are you so good
at hiding it?

(scoffs)
I have always been cool.

Listen, one time
at a John Tesh concert...

he brought one girl
up on stage to sing to,

and it was
my best friend Karen.

Wow.

To Mom.

(glasses clinking)
(laughter)

Oh, you know what?

I am -- I am just loving
this new stage we're at,

you know, where I'm not just your
mom, but I'm also your friend.

(sighs)

(clears throat)

So, what --
what usually happens now?

Well, when we were kids,
by this time, you'd be upstairs,

yelling, "Keep it down, girls!"
- Yeah.

And then
when you went to sleep up there,

the party got turnt
down here.

MANDY: Oh, yeah.

It was so much fun.

We'd prank-call the neighbors,
watch R-rated movies.

Remember sneaking out to 7-Eleven
to buy junk food? Oh, yeah.

(chuckles)

But this is also fun.

We could do that.

Let's -- Let's sneak out now

and get our Cool Ranch Doritos
on.

(laughs)

Yeah, but, like, you're here
and you're okay with it,

so now it would just be
an errand.

Well, uh, you want to -- you
want to watch an R-rated movie?

Uh, been over 17
for a lot of years now.

Well, um...
Ooh, how 'bout X-rated?

What?!
- Mom!

♪♪

So, something happens
with the camera,

and they can't get it out!

(laughs)

My buddy's lying there
for an hour, maybe two.

Then the doctor comes in
with these big tongs!

(laughs)

Why -- Why -- Why are we talking
about this for?

You were telling Chuck
he has nothing to worry about.

Oh!
Right, right.

In fact, to this day,

he only serves salad
with two big spoons.

(laughs)

Oh, boy.
Here comes Santa Claus.

Hey. Hey, w-who's been
drinking my prep?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, yes, I do.

Great. Now I won't have enough
of this stuff to get the job...

Excuse me.

(chuckles)

These guys are gonna be so mad.
I locked the door.

If you don't mind,

I'd like to sit in silence
until they return.

Ed, I didn't mean to bust
your chops, okay?

Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.

You're gonna have an accident,
not the good kind

where you run into a Buick.

I'll be fine
because this is not prep.

It's iced tea.

Why?

I'm not having
a colonoscopy.

What's the point?

My days are numbered.

What do you mean
your days are numbered?

Age, Michael.

Every minute of every day,

another cell in my body
gives up,

and I am diminished.

"Michael"?
Oh, boy.

I'm gonna get the full diva.
Here it comes.

How many years
can I possibly have?

Huh? That's why I didn't have
the colonoscopy.

I mean, drinking the prep,
crapping your guts out,

and getting scoped --
That's a young man's game.

Nobody's too old
for a colonoscopy.

I'm forgetting things, Mike,
and it scares me.

Everybody forgets things!

It's very important
that I pick up something

on the way home from work --
haven't a clue.

No.
Those are little things.

I'm in the rainforest,
where my best friend

finds an ancient artifact.

I mean, that's the kind of thing
a man should remember.

You should've remembered
Maria in the cantina.

That's what
you should've remembered.

I have a favor to ask,
Michael.

Going with "Michael" again.
This is gonna be a big one.

I'd still like to submit
that spearhead under my name.

Ed, Ed. - Come on.
- It's too late in the game

for me to go out
and find something on my own.

This is my last shot
at the Explorers Museum.

I think you're forgetting
you're already

in the Explorers Museu.

No, I'm not.

I took a shot.

(laughs) No, wait.

Your refrigerator
is running!

Sorry, Mike.

Yeah, no, I know you're busy.
Okay. I'm sorry.

So, this is great,

but I'm gonna head home
and sleep in my own bed.

No, wait.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.

What -- What about
the sleepover?

It's just not the same,
okay?

This just feels like

adults sleeping on the floor
for no reason.

Yeah,
I'm too old for this.

My sciatica's acting up.

This is silly.
We're not kids anymore.

We can't re-create
the past.

All right, hold on.
You know what?

I'll leave.

I mean, I-I'm the one who's
ruining the sleepover party.

N-No, you're not.

Mm, let the woman talk.

I'm -- I'm ruining it
for me, too.

Listen, you know what my favorite
part of your sleepovers was?

Laying upstairs
and listening to you girls

share stories
and giggling and...

just being sisters.

That's nice.

You were eavesdropping.

(chuckles)

But you're all grown up now,
and I don't get that anymore.

And I just --
I -- I miss that feeling.

So...

So, tonight, for one night,
can I just get it back?

You want us to act like
irresponsible kids again?

I guess I could turn back
the clock to last month.

Thank you.
Thank you.

So, uh, I want you girls
to keep it down,

and lights out by 11:00,

and I am going to
confiscate this.

No, I'm over 21.

I know.
I just want it.

Okay.

So, what do we do now?
I don't know.

I guess we could check
Mom's bag

to see if she actually has
an X-rated movie in there.

Wouldn't be the first time
we rifled through Mom's purse.

Oh, man, remember
when we went to 7-Eleven

and tried to buy stuff
with her insurance card?

♪♪

Hey, we're back.
Thanks for the ride, Kyle.

So, how was it, guys?

Well...

Joe...cried.

It was the anesthesia,
okay?

It happens.

But, you know, it was --
it was very bonding.

I -- I'm thinking this is what
it must be like

for men who went to war
together, you know?

No,
it's nothing like that.

Anyway, it's good to
have a clean bill of health

and get all that crap
out of my system.

Yeah, yeah,
I feel great.

It must be from
getting rid of all those --

all those toxins.

Yeah, yeah.
Hey, food truck's here.

I'm gonna get a corn dog
and some fried cheese.

Mmm.

Ed, Ed, Ed.
Got a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Look, I was thinking about what
you said yesterday. Mm-hmm.

Do you remember
what you said yesterday?

Yes, I remember.

There's only one thing
you can do

when your best friend asks you
to fulfill his lifelong dream.

Thank you, Mike.

Get your own
damn spearhead.

I can't do that.

Remember last night, my big
speech about my cells dying?

You're not dying.

You're aging like everybody else
except John Stamos.

My mistake was treating you
like a feeble old man.

I never said I was feeble.

Well, taking credit for somebody
else's accomplishments --

pretty feeble.

Is that
what this is about?

Having your name on that spearhead...
- No.

...is really
that important to you?

Come on.
- This is about you.

You're forgetting things.
That doesn't make you senile.

Come on, now.
W-What do you want from me?

Why did you call me
in here?

I'd like you
to go with me to Brazil.

They found caves
in Mount Allegra, unexplored.

Get out of here.
Is that right?

Maybe I can get to use all that
equipment that we sell, huh?

It'd be good to get away.
That's right.

Then I can spend time
in the cantina.

What do you think?

W-Why --
Why am I holding this?

What's --
What's going on?

Ed?

Feeble old man got you,
huh?

(laughs)

We're going to Venezuela.

Actually, Brazil.

Ah,
we're going to Brazil!

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man

with some news I'm literally
dying to tell you.

(sighs)
That's right.

None of us is getting
out of this life alive.

Have a nice day.

Come on, wait.
Hear me out.

It's not about
how many summers we have left.

It's what we choose to do
with those summers.

If you spend your life watching
"Walking Dead" marathons,

you're no better than a zombie.

Actually, you're worse.

At least they're walking.

You're sitting on your ass.

The Bible teaches us
that we start out as dust,

and unto dust we shall return.

Don't be a dust bunny
in between.

Climb a mountain,
ride some rapids --

don't live life
like you're already dead.

Because if God
can't tell the difference,

he may just go ahead
and grab you early.

So,
instead of crying about

the number of grains of sand
left in your hourglass,

do something to make sure

there are as many in there
as possible.

So get your insides
photographed.

Heck, invite some friends,
play some cards.

Let me tell you,
that's one poker game

that nothing beats a flush.

(laughs)

-- Captions by VITAC --