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1
00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:02,703
Anybody else moves,
they're dead.
2
00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:04,172
You, fill it up,
just the bills.
3
00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:07,175
CHRIS ROCK:
When I was growing up,
crime was always on the move.
4
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,477
The rest of you tellers
move away from those windows.
5
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:14,082
It went from crime on TV
to crime in the city...
6
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,216
to crime in our house.
7
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,250
So what's missing?
8
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:17,451
The television.
9
00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:20,421
To my parents and the police,
the house got robbed...
10
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,822
To Drew and Tonya,
11
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:22,990
the TV got kidnapped.
12
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,393
Here, I sketched something
for you to give to the FBI.
13
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:29,463
It was a 19-inch RCA,
serial number 1993IH.
14
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,299
Do you think
you can get it back?
15
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,367
We'll try. What else?
16
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,536
Well, we're still trying
to figure it out,
17
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:38,206
but they took the stereo,
all of our records
18
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:41,442
including my autographed
James Brown The Payback album.
19
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,743
Ooh, that's
a collector's item.
20
00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:43,744
It's worth some money.
21
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,379
They took my meat!
What?
22
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:48,316
All of it. Steaks,
hamburgers, hot dogs,
23
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:49,517
bologna.
24
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,085
If they had stole
that stuff earlier
25
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,353
maybe he wouldn't have
the gout.
26
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,621
Can you find out who did this?
27
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,756
Doubtful.
There's a lot of crime.
28
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:58,292
Aren't you going to dust
the place for fingerprints,
29
00:00:58,326 --> 00:01:00,394
you know, canvas the
neighborhood for witnesses,
30
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,629
check with your snitches,
31
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,431
put your ears to the street,
something?
32
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,666
Lady, my shift ends
in six minutes.
33
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,701
Fill out this report.
34
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,403
And that's it?
That's it.
35
00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:10,704
So you're not going
to help us at all?
36
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,740
No, but we're here
to comfort you.
37
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:14,708
Forget this.
I'm getting a gun.
38
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:18,679
Julius, do you know what
would happen if we got a gun?
39
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:21,182
Who ate the big piece
of chicken?
40
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:22,716
(pistol cocking)
41
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,286
You? Baby girl?
42
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,356
(pistols cocking)
43
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:31,459
Who left the damn
toilet seat up? Huh?
44
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:36,230
Who ate all the cereal?
45
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:41,435
I will blow
your freakin' head off!
46
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,437
I think we should get a dog.
47
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,705
I'd always wanted a dog.
48
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,440
My parents always said no.
49
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:48,742
But maybe the robbery would
make them change their mind.
50
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,912
For the umpteenth time, Chris,
we are not getting a dog.
51
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,382
Wishful thinking.
52
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,617
The kid's right. If you really
want to protect the house,
53
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,486
a guard dog
is the best way to go.
54
00:01:58,519 --> 00:01:59,487
(growling)
55
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,422
(barks)
56
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,525
I don't think
he likes you, Dad.
57
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:05,526
He better like me.
58
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:08,429
I paid $35 to have him
vaccinated and neutered.
59
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,930
Now we know why he's growling.
60
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,732
Can we name him?
61
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,301
He already has a name.
62
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,236
Blackie.
63
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,504
But he's brown.
64
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,639
You black and you brown.
65
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,308
Well, I want to give
him a bath.
66
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,510
Hey, hey, hey,
not so fast.
67
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:25,379
This dog needs to be trained
to protect this house.
68
00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:26,447
And since it was
Chris' idea,
69
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,650
it's his responsibility
to feed him, bathe him,
70
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,620
walk him and clean
up his mess.
71
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,555
She always said
she ain't raising no babies.
72
00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:39,627
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
73
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,624
CHRIS ROCK:
Getting my first dog
74
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,626
was like getting
a whole new lease on life.
75
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:15,329
I guess you could say it was
like having a new friend.
76
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:16,364
Hey, li'l dude,
77
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,232
let me hold a dollar.
78
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,504
Thanks.
79
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:25,673
Go get my dollar.
80
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,308
(dog snarling)
81
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:30,444
(screaming)
82
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:33,647
A friend with benefits.
83
00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:34,882
Yeah.
84
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,485
Training Blackie was going
to be fun.
85
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:38,819
I figured I'd start
with the basics.
86
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,722
Come here. Come here.
87
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,424
Jump.
88
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:46,560
Jump. J... jump.
89
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:49,730
Speak, like... arf.
90
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,399
Uh...
91
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,733
Roll over.
92
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,868
Like...
93
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,271
Roll...
94
00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,507
Roll over.
95
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,675
I tried monkey see, monkey do,
96
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,277
which is useless with a dog.
97
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,749
Hey, I made a complete list
of what's missing.
98
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,951
You didn't put
a dishwasher on here.
99
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,320
We don't have a dishwasher.
100
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:13,821
We will if they find one.
101
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,423
I'm calling
the insurance company.
102
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:17,558
No, no, no, I don't want
my premiums going up.
103
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,660
Insurance is just
for emergencies.
104
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,829
Well, Julius,
isn't this an emergency?
105
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,064
They took the meat.
They took the TV.
106
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,833
They took my James Brown album.
107
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,901
I mean, the only way
they could take something else
108
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,337
is if they brought
something back.
109
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,905
Look, just let me look
around the neighborhood
110
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,774
for our stuff first.
111
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,609
Whoever did this can't
be that far away.
112
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,077
Well, how do you know that?
113
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,779
Who comes to Bed-Stuy to steal?
114
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:39,913
Crackheads, bowling ballhead.
115
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,383
You go ahead
and look around.
116
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:45,753
In the meantime, I'm putting
this place on lockdown.
117
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,020
Because the TV was stolen,
118
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:49,623
Drew and Tonya tried to get
their fix any place they could.
119
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,793
Captain Kangaroo
is so funny.
120
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,663
I'm calling the cops,
you peeping Toms.
121
00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:56,897
Get out of here!
122
00:04:58,999 --> 00:04:59,967
A dog.
123
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,469
That's so cool.
124
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,771
Yeah, but I can't get
him to do anything.
125
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:09,042
Here's a couple of books
on dog training.
126
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,712
You just happen to have books
on dog training in your locker?
127
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,547
I got lots of stuff in here.
128
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:14,682
Let's see...
129
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,685
Got a bartender's guide,
an auction catalog
130
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,587
to fine crystal,
mostly Lalique,
131
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,855
How to Fly
a Helicopter,
132
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,724
The Idiot's Guide
to Tic-Tac-Toe,
133
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,793
a Gutenberg Bible...
134
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,662
and a street guide
to Baghdad.
135
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:29,963
You never know.
136
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,500
That guidebook lists
a lot more streets
137
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,001
than they have left
in Baghdad now.
138
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,202
Well, thanks. These should help.
139
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:37,971
Remember, you should be the only
one bonding with the dog.
140
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:38,972
Why?
141
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,508
To be a good watchdog,
142
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,810
he has to report to one master.
143
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,878
Otherwise, he may befriend
the bad guys.
144
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,147
I was going to have to do
what Greg said.
145
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,418
Even though being master
to something named Blackie
146
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:53,987
seemed like a bad idea.
147
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:58,025
At home, my mother installed
a ghetto alarm system.
148
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,660
Hey, Ms. Rochelle.
149
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,061
What's going on?
150
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,763
We got robbed.
151
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,064
You got robbed? When?
152
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,132
Two nights ago.
153
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,000
Where were you?
I was at home.
154
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,702
Didn't you hear anything?
155
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,604
Oh, no, I was busy.
156
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,139
Well, they cleaned out
half the house.
157
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:14,442
Well, the important thing
is you got your health.
158
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,577
Material things don't matter.
159
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,812
'Cause after all,
you can't take it with you.
160
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,748
That's 'cause they took it all
with them.
161
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:21,782
The next person
162
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:22,583
that walks through
this door
163
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,852
is gonna hear
bells a-jingling.
164
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,787
Jingling bells.
165
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,525
Let me show you something
over there, okay?
166
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:35,696
Well, see, if anybody tried
to get through the window...
167
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,599
Huh? See?
168
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,601
Blocked by a broomstick.
169
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,869
But do you really think
they'd try
170
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,504
to come through
a second-story window?
171
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,772
People can see them
from the street.
172
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,774
Well, if they do,
they can't get in.
173
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,742
Oh, and we got a guard dog.
174
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:50,010
So if anybody comes
in this house,
175
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,612
they gonna leave
in a casket.
176
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,914
Casket-- now that's the type
of talk I like to hear.
177
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,215
Well, I'll keep
my ears open.
178
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,216
And your doors locked.
179
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,785
All right, see you now.
180
00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,152
Hey, Mr. Omar.
Hey, how y'all doing?
181
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,655
Hey, Ma, can me and Drew play
with Blackie?
182
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:03,090
No, baby, he's a guard dog,
not a pet.
183
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,626
DREW:
What are we
supposed to do?
184
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,761
We don't have a TV.
We're bored.
185
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,197
I don't know.
Maybe read a book.
186
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:13,200
Reading? Now that's positive.
187
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,569
Tonya and Drew
couldn't watch TV,
188
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,771
but that didn't stop them
from reading it.
189
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:18,872
Check this out.
190
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,708
"Matlock at 4:00.
191
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,109
"When Nashville star
Dolly Parton
192
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,144
get arrested for murder,
she turns to Ben Matlock."
193
00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:25,178
Look at this:
194
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,247
Moses Gunn is going to be
on The Jeffersons.
195
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,650
Did you know
Little House on the Prairie
196
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,852
was closed captioned
for the hearing-impaired?
197
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:35,489
Stephanie Mills is going
to be on Captain Kangaroo.
198
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,958
Meanwhile, my father tried
to get clues from the clueless.
199
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:38,892
Look, I want information,
200
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,128
and word on the street
is that you got some.
201
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,497
Where'd you hear that from?
Radio or something, man?
202
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:44,965
Ain't got no damn TV,
so I heard.
203
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,668
Maybe you should talk
to Mr. Lincoln.
204
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:50,704
A penny?
205
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,640
You can keep
your penny, man.
206
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,007
I don't know nothing, man.
207
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:55,843
I haven't heard anything.
No one's told me anything.
208
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,811
Zero.
Hey, hey, hey, you sure?
209
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:00,213
I mean, maybe you want
to talk to Mr. Roosevelt, too.
210
00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:04,718
Know what? I would love
to talk to Mr. Roosevelt.
211
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:05,886
Yes, Mr. President.
212
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,722
Yeah, Julius is
standing right here.
213
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:10,023
Yeah, yeah.
214
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,559
He ain't got enough money.
215
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:13,060
No, he's really short of money.
216
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,728
Yeah, he's still
standing here.
217
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,929
I will tell him,
Mr. President.
218
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,865
Okay, okay, I'll tell him.
Bye-bye.
219
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:20,868
Um, he says to go talk
to Kill Moves
220
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,036
'cause Kill Moves
has his ear to the street.
221
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:25,873
What do you hear, Kill Moves?
222
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,008
Four riders... two on ponies.
223
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,143
No, about my place
getting robbed.
224
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,846
I ain't hear anything
about that.
225
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,148
But don't say I didn't warn you
about the coming Indian attack.
226
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:38,285
(war whoops)
227
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,721
My father couldn't get
our TV back,
228
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,022
and now he'd lost his chair.
229
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,791
What are these things?
230
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:45,025
They're sporks.
231
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,159
Aren't they great?
232
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,261
You can eat a soup or a steak
without changing hands.
233
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,030
ROCHELLE:
Julius, I can't
take this anymore.
234
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,999
I feel like I'm tasting
paper plate.
235
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,901
I'm calling
the insurance company.
236
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,903
No, no, look, look, I already
got some of our stuff back.
237
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,608
This is not our stuff.
238
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,842
It's still a great picture.
239
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,110
Dad, they're white people.
240
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,946
Look, I got it
at a fire sale for 15 cents.
241
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,314
But they're white people.
242
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,082
Look, get a crayon
and color them in.
243
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,685
I'm calling
the insurance company
244
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,253
before you replace me
with a white woman.
245
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,889
Right now, he's praying she
doesn't look in the freezer.
246
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,158
(loud pounding)
247
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,027
MR. OMAR:
Let me in!
248
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,028
Let me in!
249
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,195
What is it?
I've been robbed!
250
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,563
Lord have mercy.
251
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:27,300
They broke into my house
and took one of my widows.
Mrs. Johnson?
252
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:30,303
No, man, Mrs. Williams.
The redbone.
253
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:33,941
Do you know how hard it is
to find a good redbone?
254
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:35,676
Well, at least
you got your health.
255
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,978
Oh, that's supposed
to be funny?
256
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:41,749
I'm just saying...
you can't take it with you.
257
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:42,983
I thought this place
was supposed to be protected.
258
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:46,820
Y'all got bells on your doors,
broomsticks on your windows.
259
00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:47,921
Where were you?
260
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:48,922
I was home.
261
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:49,923
And you didn't hear nothing?
262
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,693
I was busy, you know.
263
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,094
You were busy?
264
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,629
Okay...
265
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:58,198
look, I can't live
under these conditions, okay?
266
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,167
If I don't get
my redbone back,
267
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,035
I expect a reduction
in my rent.
268
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,671
Whoa, whoa, whoa, a
reduction in your rent?
269
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:04,705
Did I stutter?
270
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,340
And you need to get rid
of that dog and get a gun.
271
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,079
Blackie, get out of my chair!
272
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,981
He's guarding it.
273
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:20,921
Oh, Lord, he done done it now!
274
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,290
All right, now, Chris,
this is it.
275
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:26,393
You got 48 hours to train
that dog or he's dog food.
276
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,095
Dogs aren't used in dog food,
277
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,130
but this wasn't a good time
to correct my father.
278
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,104
I loved Blackie,
but I'm in trouble.
279
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,306
Blackie, no! Stop!
Come back!
280
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,042
I didn't know which one
was more dangerous:
281
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,977
Blackie running into the street
282
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,246
or running over
to that Puerto Rican fellow.
283
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:48,982
Thanks, man.
284
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:50,117
Oh, no problem.
285
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,719
It's amazing.
286
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,120
Every time I command him,
he doesn't do anything.
287
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,688
Sientate.
288
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,091
Levantate.
289
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,861
I guess he speaks
Puerto Rican.
290
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,062
But I don't.
291
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,164
Well, that's too bad.
292
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,465
Hey, well,
you live around here?
293
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,300
I don't live too far.
294
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,201
What's your name?
295
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,169
I'm Carlos.
296
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:10,704
Chris.
All right, Chris.
297
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,405
So you think you can teach me
some Spanish
298
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,406
so I can train him?
299
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,008
Sure, yeah.
300
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,411
While I was getting help,
my parents needed help.
301
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,315
I'm afraid your policy
doesn't cover
302
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,116
all of your losses.
303
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:25,352
What are you talking
about? Why not?
304
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,821
Well, let me make sure
I have all the facts first.
305
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,056
Was there any wind damage?
306
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:29,823
No.
307
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:30,958
Ah. That's too bad
308
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,059
'cause you're covered for that.
309
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,061
We're covered
for wind damage?
310
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,930
Any fire or flood associated
with the loss?
311
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,365
No, we got robbed.
312
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:42,202
Well, then there's not much
I can do.
313
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,338
Although, we at Mutual Farms
appreciate your business.
314
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:48,375
Their slogan was "You're in
white hands with Mutual Farms."
315
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,843
Wait.
What about the meat?
316
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:53,180
I mean, we lost
$117.43 worth of meat.
317
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,148
I'm sorry.
According to our records,
318
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,084
you opted out
of the meat coverage.
319
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:59,019
At the time, we didn't have
any meat to cover.
320
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,153
So let me get this straight.
321
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,421
You're not paying us
for the meat.
322
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,923
You're not paying us
for the stereo,
323
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,057
but what are we
paying you for?
324
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:07,094
Peace of mind.
325
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,161
Peace of mind.
326
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,963
We don't want
peace of mind.
327
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,264
We want a piece of furniture.
328
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,066
I understand that, but...
329
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,367
Look here, mister,
330
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,403
we have been your customers
over ten years.
331
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,238
This is our first phone call
to you.
332
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,340
And believe me, there have been
many other problems.
333
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:23,076
One time it flooded.
334
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,212
Can we call
the insurance company now?
335
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,246
No.
336
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,081
Now we have a swimming pool.
337
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:31,051
Another time a plane
dropped a load.
338
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,821
Can we call
the insurance company now?
339
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:37,157
No way. Now we
have new luggage.
340
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,426
One time, aliens took over.
341
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,795
(aliens screeching softly)
342
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:45,032
Now can I call
the insurance company?
343
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,100
No, I've always wanted
to go to another planet.
344
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,236
Can't you do something to help?
345
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,204
I'll see what I can do.
346
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,174
Mm, peanut butter?
347
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:59,179
He's lucky she didn't pull away
any of his teeth.
348
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:08,188
Negrito, bajate, sientate.
349
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:09,322
What did you call him?
350
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,058
What was that?
351
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,126
Oh, training the dog in Spanish.
352
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,027
Why?
353
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:16,229
It's part
of the attack-dog training.
354
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,498
Like you can only talk
to a German Shepherd in German
355
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,200
or Irish Wolfhound in Irish.
356
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,269
This is a Puerto Rican mutt.
357
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,436
Well, I don't care
what he speaks
358
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,138
as long as he stays
out of my chair
359
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,306
and you turn him into a killer.
360
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:27,140
Bueno.
361
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,141
¿Que?
362
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:29,209
Nada.
363
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:32,079
Drew and Tonya finally settled
on an activity
364
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,481
they could both enjoy:
prank phone calls.
365
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,083
Do you have
pig's feet?
366
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:37,484
WOMAN:
Yes, yes, we do.
367
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:40,020
Well, if you wear shoes,
nobody would notice.
368
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,254
(both laugh)
369
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:44,591
Hello? Is this Mr. Freely?
370
00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,126
A Mr. I.P. Freely?
371
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,863
Hi, I'm just confirming
372
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,399
that I have a hundred
large pieces ordered
373
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,267
to Mr. Omar's
Funeral Home?
374
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,335
MAN:
I'll check.
375
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,636
Yes, okay.
Thank you.
376
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,305
Tragic.
377
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,208
WOMAN:
911 emergency.
378
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,442
Help! Help!
They're choking me!
379
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,177
Come here, woman!
Shut up, girl!
380
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:06,246
Stay calm, ma'am.
Come here!
381
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:07,480
Hey, hey,
get back here!
382
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:10,317
While Drew and Tonya
made crank calls,
383
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,085
the insurance company made
the right call.
384
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:14,087
We got the settlement check
from the insurance company!
385
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:15,222
Let me see!
We're going
shopping, baby!
386
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:16,323
We are going shopping!
387
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,591
"$715.13"!
388
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,661
We going shopping!
We going shopping!
389
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,297
I didn't just learn Spanish.
390
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,333
I learned
about a whole new world,
391
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:29,202
a world that ironically
wasn't too different
392
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,403
than the world I already knew.
393
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:33,240
There was a Puerto Rican
Kill Moves.
394
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:36,977
There was a Puerto Rican Doc.
395
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:38,211
¿Aqui?
396
00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:40,380
There was a Puerto Rican Risky.
397
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:43,016
Ten dollars.
398
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:45,118
Gracias.
Okay.
399
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,123
There was even
a Puerto Rican Jerome.
400
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:51,158
Hey,
401
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,325
papi de otra calle.
402
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,161
Let me hold un dollar, papa.
403
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:56,329
Everything was different,
but getting robbed still hurt.
404
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:59,266
Gracias, hermano.
405
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:03,370
* I know and you know
that if we get together *
406
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,138
Hey, Carlos.
407
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:09,342
Hey, mamita.
408
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,244
Que lindo es el doggie?
409
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,345
Cómo se llama?
410
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:13,580
Tell her his name.
411
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:15,348
Oh, his name's Blackie.
412
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,483
Aye, Negrito.
413
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,318
Y tu nombre?
414
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,619
Your name.
What's your name?
415
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,021
Oh, my name's Chris.
416
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,390
Hola, Chris. I'm Thalia.
417
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,026
This is my amiga Claudia,
y my prima Luz.
418
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,528
This dog was magic.
Girls liked me.
419
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:29,662
Pretty Puerto Rican girls!
420
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,364
How do you know Carlos?
421
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,565
Oh, well, he's teaching me
Spanish
422
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,567
so I can train Blackie
to be a guard dog.
423
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:37,270
(laughs)
424
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,305
What's so funny?
425
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,307
Blackie can't
be a guard dog.
426
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,174
Why not?
427
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,477
Give me that.
Watch this. Watch this.
428
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:47,647
Blackie, ataca! Ataca!
429
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,349
To y'all that don't speak
Spanish,
430
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,051
that means "attack."
431
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:56,023
(laughs)
432
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:57,290
Miralo. Miralo.
433
00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:59,292
Lassie, go get help.
434
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:00,994
The Puerto Rican girls
are laughing at me.
435
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,096
This dog is a lover,
not a fighter.
436
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,432
In fact,
Blackie was such a lover,
437
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,201
we have to go
to commercial right now.
438
00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:14,041
Man, this is like nothing
you ever seen before.
439
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,408
All the girls
call me "Papi."
440
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:16,676
Papi? You're
so in there.
441
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:17,677
¿Que paso, mami?
442
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,312
Nada mucho, papi.
443
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:20,380
See?
444
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:21,414
That's so cool.
445
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,250
But aren't you supposed
446
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,052
to be teaching Blackie
to attack intruders?
447
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,453
I'm working on it.
448
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,321
This book may help.
449
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:32,159
Turn Your Pup into a Perp:
Teaching Dogs to Kill.
450
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,660
Perfect.
451
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,364
I was going to do everything
I could
452
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:40,067
to get the attack
out of Blackie.
453
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,575
(growling)
454
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:52,445
* Superhighways,
coast to coast *
455
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:56,149
* Easy to get anywhere
456
00:16:56,183 --> 00:17:01,554
* On the transcontinental
overload *
457
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,356
* Just slide behind the wheel
458
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:05,258
* How does it feel?
459
00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:07,660
* When there's no destination
that's too far *
460
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,362
Good boy.
461
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:14,434
* And somewhere on the way,
you might find out who you are *
462
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:17,137
Blackie couldn't fly
if he was a bald eagle.
463
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,438
* I feel good!
464
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:21,508
There was only one more stop in
the Blackie training program.
465
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:22,775
Okay, so before we leave,
466
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,245
he needs to smell all you guys
so he knows not to attack you.
467
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:26,479
Will he attack Mr. Omar?
468
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,148
Oh, oh!
469
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,449
Mr. Omar!
470
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:32,319
Okay, so this is my sister
Tonya right here.
471
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,587
And this is my brother Drew.
472
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:38,658
Okay, this is my mom
Rochelle right here.
473
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:39,592
Okay, okay, okay.
474
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,428
Chris, hurry up
so I can get to the store
475
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,862
before all the good stuff
is gone.
476
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:46,133
And this is my father Julius.
477
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,200
Hey!
478
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:50,537
And this is Mr. Omar,
my neighbor.
479
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:51,504
And what is that?
480
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:54,874
Uh, these belong
to some of my lady friends.
481
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,743
I just want to make sure
they're safe.
482
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,645
The only dog they have
to worry about is you.
483
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,148
Come on, y'all.
484
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:04,317
You like that red...
485
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,486
I figured even if Blackie
wasn't a killer,
486
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,754
what difference did it make?
487
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:10,290
We'd already been robbed twice.
488
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:11,858
What were the chances
it would happen again?
489
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,529
They broke in again?!
490
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,198
Everybody get back!
491
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,568
Let me go first
in case they're still inside.
492
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,703
Hey, give me something
to use as a weapon.
493
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:27,407
Hey, I got a gun!
494
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,510
Yeah, it just looks
like a frying pan.
495
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,448
They took my bells?!
496
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:36,616
JULIUS:
Come on in!
497
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,851
I cannot believe this!
498
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,553
Wonder what they took
this time.
499
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:42,422
Hey, at least they didn't take
the TV Digest.
500
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,657
It doesn't look like
anything is missing.
501
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:45,858
Maybe Blackie
scared 'em off.
502
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,228
I don't think so.
503
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,329
Blackie's gone.
504
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,897
They stole Blackie?
505
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:53,600
I love having a dog,
506
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,669
and losing Blackie made me
really depressed.
507
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:59,906
Plus, having the Lassie,
Rin Tin Tin, Sounder,
508
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,275
Turner & Hooch marathon
on TV didn't help.
509
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:03,276
(knocking)
510
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,277
Move, boy.
511
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,312
Who is it?!
512
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,779
Police!
513
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,916
Is this about the robbery?
514
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,685
No, our emergency
operators traced
515
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:13,720
several prank
phone calls
516
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:14,821
back to this number.
517
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,456
ROCHELLE:
Prank phone calls?
518
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,592
Yes. Calls to I.P. Freely,
pizza orders
519
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:20,793
and finally, a distress call
520
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,529
that a woman was getting
choked to death.
521
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,931
That's not even funny.
I don't get it.
522
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,433
It's absurdist.
You're not supposed to.
523
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:27,700
Chris, do you know
anything about this?
524
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:28,701
No.
525
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,603
Drew?
What?
526
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,605
Tonya?
Huh?
527
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:35,408
Do y'all know
anything about this?
528
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:36,909
About what?
About what?
529
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:39,379
About what?
530
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:41,614
I'm sorry, officer.
531
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,583
This won't happen again.
Trust me.
532
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:48,455
So y'all like
getting choked, huh?
533
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,324
Oh, you better run.
534
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,560
You better run
as fast as you can.
535
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:57,630
I thought I'd never see
Blackie again.
536
00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,533
Blackie, comóestás?
How are you?
537
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,902
And he thought he'd never
seen me before.
538
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,638
Blackie, remember, it's me,
Chris, tu amigo?
539
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:07,607
(growling)
540
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,477
Hey, papi, tranquilo.
541
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,981
Papi, tranquilo.
542
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:17,850
No, no, no!
543
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,587
(barking and growling)
544
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:24,524
* Todo el mundo odia a Chris. *
545
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:33,933
Captioned by
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