Original subtitles

I can't believe this is our last calculus class.

Well, don't worry.

If it's anything like the others,

it'll feel like a lifetime.

I'm going to miss all your little jokes, Steve Smith.

I still can't believe you're about to graduate.

And follow Billie Eilish on tour!

So cool!

I'm hoping to meet her

'cause I think she knows who my real dad is.

I know it's the last day,

but I'm gonna have to reteach you everything!

I just found out that at the start of the school year,

one of my colleagues pranked me and switched

my teacher's edition with one full of bullshit,

and that's what I've been teaching you all year.

Thank God none of us were paying attention, am I right?

That's it.

You guys don't respect me, I don't make squat,

and I have to cram for my test on the milkshake machine

before my shift at Bobby Freeze,

which starts in nine minutes?!

Hey, are you going to

Vince Chung's end-of-the-year bash tonight?

I doubt it.

His party is invite-only

and he only liked me when I had boobs.

Tell you what, since you've been making me laugh all year

and it is our last week together

before I follow Billie on the road,

if you do show up to Vince Chung's party tonight...

I'll give you a handjob...

Handjob...

Handjob...

Handjob...

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

This is it, man!

It's finally happening for you!

You're going to become a man!

I'm not gonna lie, Snot.

When you got bar mitzvah'd last year

and became a man the Jewish way, I was very jealous.

And now it's your turn to do it one of the Christian ways.

But how are we gonna get an invite to Vince Chung's party?

It'd be one thing if Barry were here.

Vince Chung loves Barry.

Apparently if you witness one murder at Taco Bell

with someone, it creates some sort of "bond."

Too bad he and Toshi already left for summer horse camp.

I'll text him.

I'm warning you bud, if you text

Barry at camp, you're just gonna get a hundred horse photos.

What a ride, Pepper!

This is why we do it, Tosh.

The union of man and beast.

Sometimes I don't know where I end and my horse begins.

_

You guys? No way!

Only cools get to go to my party, bros.

Oh, dude, you're the guy who caught that bird

with your bare hand in PE class.

Please come to my bash.

Vince, please, it's the difference between my friend

becoming a man or not.

Tell you what, I'll let you guys

come to my party under one condition.

You bring a keg...

of Og 4LOCO!

Okay, we just have to get a keg of Og 4LOCO, whatever that is.

You think you two nerds can get a keg of Og 4LOCO?

The one with caffeine, taurine, and guarana?

Yes?

I happen to know there's only one place

within a 100-mile radius that has it.

A dirty dive bar in Chimdale called XXXX.

That's four X's.

It used to be called XXX in honor of the Vin Diesel movie,

but they got into trouble with Columbia Pictures

and had to add the extra X.

- Oh. - Good luck buying

a keg there underage.

It's a fake ID graveyard.

Even the ones I sell don't work there.

Alright, see you chodes later.

I'm off to eavesdrop on more students

and spread more dangerous legends.

Alright, you heard him.

If we're going to make you a man, we need real IDs.

I think it's time we talk to my uncle Roger.

They're so cool. I wish...

Mark McKenzie, you talking switchblades?

The ice cream man will sell you one

if you know the secret password...

"butterball."

Hey, Roger, I...

Huh, I know he's usually out doing stuff,

but he's usually also here.

Steve-O, what up, chode?!

I need your help.

- Can you get me... - No can do, I'm busy.

I finally figured out how to get rid of all my Kohl's cash

gift cards without having to buy anything from Kohl's.

- Later, chode! - No, Rog...

I know where we can get IDs, Snot.

But I'd be breaking a promise I made to my uncle.

If my dad taught me anything,

breaking promises is a huge part of being a man.

Gosh, your uncle really has some unique outfits!

Uh, it's nothing weird,

he just likes to shop at thrift stores

and buy dead people's clothes

because sometimes they have wallets in them.

Oh.

Bingo.

And these adult clothes will make us look older

than our little boy clothes.

We're going to do this Steve, I can feel it.

A girl is gonna rub your penis until you orgasm tonight.

What the hell do you think you're doing?!

You don't have to show ID, Clint!

Anyone with Clint is probably an asshole,

but you can come in too!

Hey, everybody!

Look what the ol' Ferret dragged in!

Clint!

I thought you died!

Steve, what's happening?

Roger's personas...

They're working on us!

Hey, everybody, drinks are on us if this credit card works!

That's kind of a big "if" though, right?

Clint, I should kick your ass for cheating me at pool

and stealing my truck last time.

But now that I'm walking everywhere,

my diabetes cleared up

and I'm in the best shape of my life!

Carrot stick?

I don't get why the whole bar thinks I'm this guy Clint.

Listen, the good news is for some reason

they really believe we're adults,

which means buying this keg is going to be super easy.

Excuse me!

- I'd like to buy a keg of... - Ío kegs today!

Dave's the only one with the key to the keg fridge.

- What? - What?

Our owner Dave has the only key.

And he's at his friend's wedding.

That's obviously not the wedding he's at now,

but no doubt it gets my point across.

How many weddings are on Friday night?

There must be a way to find it.

I know where it is!

I couldn't help but overhear you

because I've been eavesdropping on people a lot lately.

Not only do I know where the wedding is, I'm going myself.

See, me and my buddy, we like to wedding crash...

like the movie.

So when I heard Dave talking about a wedding the other day,

I locked it away.

The Ramada on Fifth and...

something.

Eh, if we drive down Fifth long enough, we'll find it.

Hit the ocean, we've gone too far!

There's a phone in my jacket.

Silent mode this bad boy.

Steve, don't you think it's a little weird

that Lewis doesn't recognize us?

Yeah! I do.

Now relax.

♪ Don't let the sun go down on me ♪

♪ Although I search myself ♪

♪ It's always someone else I see ♪

♪ I'd just allow a fragment of your life ♪

♪ To wander free ♪

♪ Oh-ho! ♪

Whoa, a new flavor!

Green tea with Moroccan mint!

Should we buy it instead of our usual

green tea with peach and lemongrass?

Maybe we buy both?

Buy both?!

Sure, why don't we buy some fruit punch too?!

We're supposed to be saving for a house

to show your dad we're responsible.

And you want to double our tea budget?

And I said, "make it 10 bucks

and I'll put both hands up there!"

- Ugh. - Ahhhhhh!

Relax, Clint!

This isn't even my car!

'Zooka Sharks!

This is our year!

Or maybe we get all the flavors

and don't use any of our tea budget!

Steve, look!

The Ramada!

Dave and his key are right there!

You check the perimeter, I'll take the dance floor.

Dave?!

Dave?!

Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!

Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!

Dave? Dave?

Dave! Dave!

Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!

Dave!

Dr. Kenji! You came!

And I didn't even invite you!

You've got to give a speech!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I couldn't...

Guys, I want you to meet my dentist.

He's cool and he's always telling me dirty jokes,

and now he's going to give a toast.

This is gonna be better than a Netflix stand-up special!

Oh, no.

You can't go too blue.

Uh, that's right, I'm his dentist.

And I swear

that's "the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Clint, you bastard!

You just had to show up on my wedding day!

You know I can't resist you.

Come on!

Someone in here, actually.

It's okay.

I know what you want.

Whoa, I do kind of want this!

And that's when I said...

"Make it 10 bucks and I'll put both hands up there!"

Thank you, goodnight!

Dr. Kenji, everyone!

That was so funny I'm going to piss myself.

I'm not lying!

I know you're loving this.

I've been on my feet all day long.

What the hell is going on in here?

Hilarious speech, man.

You don't meet a lot of funny dentists.

I'm actually looking for a funny guy.

See, I wasn't even invited to this wedding.

Me and my buddy are wedding crashers... like the movie.

Except my buddy didn't show up!

So I'm done with him! He's out!

I'm looking for a Vince Vaughn-type

to play opposite my Owen Wilson-type,

and you might fit the bill.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

You ruined my wedding!

My wife's beautiful feet smell like a face now!

Come on!

Oh, he is a Vince Vaughn-type.

Go, go! This guy's gonna kill us!

Okay, but this isn't a normal cab,

because this is a Kohl's cash cab!

It's just like the show "Cash Cab"

where they drive you around and ask you trivia questions

except on this one, you win Kohl's cash

instead of usable cash!

This is my pilot episode.

I'm shooting it on my own and hoping to sell it to Kohl's.

- Just go! - Steve?

Well, look who it is...

Local piece of shit Clint McGlint

and dentist to the Japanese mafia, Dr. Kenji.

- Please, Rog... - Anh-anh.

Please... Jamiroquai J. Spunklestain.

Ah, damn it! Please just go!

Okay, but only if you get the questions right.

Miss one question and I drop you at the next corner.

This show is much harder than the one that was on

Discovery Channel!

Here at "American Dad,"

we love Discovery Channel

and welcome Warner Bros-Discovery

as TBS's new overlord.

Long may scripted television reign supreme!

What's the hardest haircut to cut?

- What? - We've got company!

That's your first question.

What's the hardest haircut to cut?

Uh, the Rachel?

Yes! That's correct.

And that's a $50 Kohl's cash!

This question's a little bit harder.

What's the third-best Pixar movie?

Uh, "The Incredibles"!

Ope, sorry, that's wrong!

No, it's not!

"Wall-E," "Toy Story," "The Incredibles."

No, it goes "Shrek," "Toy Story,"

"Nemo," "Incredibles."

"Shrek's" not even a Pixar movie!

- Yes, it is! - No, it isn't.

It's Dreamworks.

Please hold.

Well, cluck me. What do you know?

That's $50 Kohl's cash!

He's back!

Don't worry, this next question's easy.

What... is the best kind of weather?

- Rain! - Wrong!

Ah, I'm stuck real good.

Sorry, but the best kind of weather is two tornados.

Thanks for playing.

Wait, you're dropping us off here?

Damn, this is one of the roughest parts of Chimdale.

But I don't pick where you get the answers wrong.

Now get out!

And quit going through other people's stuff!

Well, Steve wants my help

getting into Vince Chung's party.

Probably because of our Taco Bell trauma bond.

_

_

I just feel like Steve and Snot

might be in danger for some reason.

Geez, this Makahama guy called a thousand times.

Hey, the Uber on this phone works.

We can get home!

Home?! But we have to get the keg.

How? Face it, Snot, we're done.

We lost Dave.

And no Dave, no key.

No key, no keg.

No keg, no party.

No party, no handie.

Come on, Steve, this is your destiny!

Snot, it's okay.

A part of me is actually relieved.

- What? - It's just...

I was a little afraid of getting a handjob.

Afraid? Why?

What if I don't do it right?

What if my penis is weird?

I can't believe this kind of talk.

Steve, I have no doubt you have a wonderful penis.

Also, if you don't, who cares?

We're entering a new age of body positivity

where weird is beautiful, my friend.

- Dave! - Dave!

- Dave! - He's out.

Well, we don't need him, just the key.

Check the keychain!

He's only got one key on here like a psychopath.

It must be inside.

If we find the key and hustle back to the bar to get the keg,

we can still make the party.

But the keg's not at the bar.

What? How do you know that?

Because it's right here.

It's beautiful.

You were right, Snot.

It's our destiny.

Let's go!

Let us help you with that.

You haven't been answering your phone, Dr. Kenji.

I'm sorry, Mr. Makahama,

I assumed you wanted sparkling water!

Well, you know what happens when you assume...

You die!

Dr. Kenji, thank you for coming.

I'm sorry we had to be so persistent.

Ah, no problem.

Two nights ago, I ate a gumdrop,

and it made my tooth really hurt.

Then it went away.

But then, I ate a bunch of jujubes

and the pain came back worse!

Please remove the tooth at once.

After you fix the boss's tooth, you'll get your keg back.

How are we going to get out of this?

This is complex dental work, and I'm terrible with my hands.

You said you wanted to become a man, right?

Well, a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

Okay, what tooth is it?

Just give that a second to work.

Now let's yank this bad boy.

It does not want to come out!

Ahh! Ahh!

Hold on...

Almost...

Got it!

Ahhhh!

'Ill 'hem!

Steve, the cart!

The elevator!

Uh-oh.

Ahh!

Oh, God!

We're not falling!

I think we're flying this thing!

We just passed Vince Chung's house!

We need to turn around!

Deflect off the Shark's nest!

We're alive!

Oh, my God...

it's Vince Chung's party!

We did it!

I'm gonna become a man!

No, we didn't.

- Who cares? - Who cares?

Uh, Vince Chung for starters.

We've come too far.

I'm going to that party.

And I'm getting that handjob.

Yasss, queen!

Yazzzzzz!

Hey...

You have no clue what I've been through tonight.

Just to get here. To you.

Why the hell is this old-ass guy kissing me?!

That's my dentist!

Oh, my God!

Somebody kill them!

Get 'em!

We gotta get out of these clothes!

I can't believe how close I came to becoming a man

only to be, well, too old I guess.

What an awful night.

Steve...

Tonight was the best night of my life.

And do you know why?

'Cause that bride grabbed your wiener?

No...

Because I watched you become a man.

Yeah, you didn't get an hj,

but you did give an amazing wedding speech.

You cracked a guy over the head with a vase.

You pulled the tongue out of a Japanese mob boss.

You shoved Vince Chung.

And you kissed the girl.

Hey, you haven't seen some scuzzy guy

and an off-duty dentist, have you?

Well, the Japanese mafia

and a bunch of high-school kids want them dead,

so you should probably get off the streets.

Can you give us a ride home?

No way! Every man for themselves!

And put on some clothes!

Somebody need a ride?

Hey, I can't believe they let you guys

take your horses home from horse camp.

Oh, they didn't let us...

H'yah!

Bye-bye! See you soon!

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com