Original subtitles

YOU ARE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHAT SIMONA TOLD ME.

WELL, THEN, I WON'T EVEN TRY.

SHE AND STEPHEN SPLIT UP.GET OUT.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT SHE TOLD HIM.

WELL, GOSH. WHAT, WAS HE CHEATING ON HER?

WHY WOULD YOU AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT HE WAS CHEATING ON HER?

BECAUSE OTHERWISE, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO MOVE OUT.

THAT'S HOW IT WORKS, JOY. WHOEVER STRAYS, PAYS.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS ASSUMING THAT--

WHAT, THAT HE LEFT HER FOR A YOUNGER WOMAN?

WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A YOUNGER WOMAN? COULD HAVE BEEN AN OLDER WOMAN.

YEAH. THAT HAPPENS A LOT.

ANYWAY, IT'S AWFUL. YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I JUST MADE A RESERVATION FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY AT SPAGHETTABOUTIT.

YEAH. MIGHT AS WELL CANCEL IT.

OR WE COULD MAKE IT FOR TWO.

I'LL CANCEL IT.

ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?

WELL, I AM MEETING HER LATER FOR A MANI-PEDI

TO GET ALL THE GORY DETAILS.

WELL, LOOK. JUST BE CAREFUL, JOY, OK?

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE BETTER OFF NOT TO GET INVOLVED.

I'M--NOT--WITH ANYBODY. EVER.

I'M NOT GONNA GET INVOLVED.

I'M JUST GONNA GET ENOUGH DETAILS TO MAKE ME FEEL SUPERIOR.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO.

WELL, AT LEAST OUR MARRIAGE IS STRONG, HUH, BABY?

YEAH.

IS IT STRONG, EDDIE, OR AM I JUST LAZY

AND YOU'RE AFRAID OF DISEASE?

IT WORKS. LET'S NOT LOOK UNDER THE HOOD.

Man: ALL RIGHT, GUYS. [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[VEHICLE BEEPING][MACHINE WHIRRING]

[CLANKING][MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[BEEPING AND WHIRRING CONTINUE]

Man: LET'S GO.

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER]

OH! WH--

AAH. AAH. AAH. AAH.

YOU GOTTA SEE THIS.

THEY'RE STRIKING THE SET. IT'S ALL FAKE.

LOOK.

NO!

NO, NO, NO. THEY WERE JUST--

THEY WERE JUST OUT THERE. I SWEAR.

DOUG...

THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS. YOU'VE GOT TO SEE SOMEBODY.

I'M NOT KIDDING. I'M CALLING DR. SPORTELLO FOR A REFERENCE.

YOU MEAN, LIKE, A SHRINK?

YES, DOUG, A SHRINK. YOU NEED SOME HELP.

UH...

AAH.

HEY, EDDIE!HEY.

STEPHEN, HOW ARE YOU?I'M GOOD. I'M GREAT.

NEVER BEEN BETTER.GOOD. GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

MMM. ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YOU PROBABLY HEARD THAT SIMONA AND I BROKE UP, HUH?

NO. NO, I'M--

OH, GOSH, I'M SORRY. I'M SHOCKED.

OK, GOTTA GO.

SIMONA CAME HOME AND CAUGHT ME IN BED WITH HER SISTER.

WHAT? REALLY?

NAH. I ONLY SAID THAT 'CAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WANTED TO LEAVE.

OH. HEH.

THE REAL REASON WE SPLIT UP IS BECAUSE... I GRIND MY TEETH.

AT LEAST, THAT'S HOW IT STARTED. HERE'S HOW IT ENDED.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] "Y'ALL CAN GO GRIND YOUR TEETH IN HELL, YOU BASTARD!"

WOW. IT'S--

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT YOU BROKE UP OVER SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL.

MM-MMM. IT WASN'T JUST THE GRINDING, EDDIE.

IT WAS THE LAST 15 YEARS-- ALL THE WHINING AND ALL THE COMPLAINING

AND ALL THE "Y'ALL"S AND-- OH. YEAH. YEAH.

I BET THAT LAUGH OF HERS DIDN'T HELP, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT CACKLE--

HEH YEH YEH YEH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE RAZOR BLADES ON MY SPINE THERE.

I ACTUALLY LIKED HER LAUGH.OH, WELL,

I'M SURE IT GROWS ON YOU.

BUT, LISTEN. YOU KNOW, JOY AND I, WE FELT REALLY BAD ABOUT THIS,

BECAUSE WE LIKE BOTH OF YOU SO MUCH.

I APPRECIATE THAT, EDDIE.MMM.

BUT IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN US, YOU'D CHOOSE ME, RIGHT?

ARE WE TALKING ABOUT FRIENDSHIP OR DESERT-ISLAND SEX?

TRICK QUESTION, BUDDY, TRICK QUESTION--

I WOULD PICK YOU FOR BOTH.

HEH HEH HEH. IN A HEARTBEAT.

IN A HEARTBEAT. I MEAN, I GOTTA TELL YOU, SIMONA,

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN OUR FAVORITE.

A-AND THAT'S NO KNOCK AGAINST STEPHEN.

BUT YOU'RE MORE FUN, AND THE WAY YOU SAY "Y'ALL,"

AND THAT GREAT LAUGH OF YOURS--

IT'S LIKE A BUSLOAD OF HAPPY CHILDREN.

HEH YEH YEH YEH!

THERE IT IS. HEH HEH HEH.

[BOTH SIGH]

ALL I ASKED THE MAN TO DO WAS WEAR A MOUTHGUARD.

IS THAT TOO MUCH?NO, IT IS NOT.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

JUST A BUNCH OF GOBBLEDYGOOK ABOUT BEING UNCOMFORTABLE

AND NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE.

MEANWHILE, I'M AWAKE ALL NIGHT LISTENING TO THE GRINDING.

I CAN HEAR IT, EVEN WHEN I PUT A PILLOW OVER HIS FACE.

YOU PUT A PILLOW OVER HIS FACE?

YEAH, JUST TILL HE LOSES CONSCIOUSNESS.

I'M A DOCTOR. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

YOU KNOW, WE WERE GONNA TAKE YOU TO LE PETIT CHATEAU

FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARY.OH, MY GOD.

YES.THAT PLACE IS SO EXPENSIVE.

I'M SURPRISED THAT EDDIE WOULD SPRING FOR A PLACE LIKE THAT.

YEAH. ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S YOUR ANNIVERSARY.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE NOW, DOES IT?

LISTEN, SIMONA.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I THINK THIS MIGHT BE FOR THE BEST.

YOU THINK SO?

YEAH. I MEAN, JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT FOR THE NEXT 15 YEARS

WHILE STEPHEN PUTS HIS LITTLE PINKIE IN HIS EAR DURING MEALS.

I NEVER NOTICED THAT.REALLY?

IT'S LIKE SOMETHING A HILLBILLY WOULD DO.

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS,

YOU ARE YOUNG, AND YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

AND YOU'RE A DOCTOR, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.

AND I'M SURE THAT THERE ARE LOTS OF MEN

WHO WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.

YOU KNOW, I ONLY HAD 2 BOYFRIENDS BEFORE I MARRIED STEPHEN.

WOW.YEAH.

HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DID YOU HAVE BEFORE YOU MARRIED EDDIE?

WELL, YOU WOULD HAVE TO DEFINE "BOYFRIENDS."

IT'S EITHER 6

OR A REALLY BIG NUMBER.

OH.

IF I WERE TO TELL YOU THAT THERE'S NO CEILING,

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

I WOULD SAY THAT YOU'RE CRAZY,

BUT THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING TO A SHRINK.

OK, ONE OF IS CRAZY, ALLY, BECAUSE WHEN I LOOK UP,

ALL I SEE ARE LIGHTS, CATWALKS, AND MICROPHONES--

HONEY, YOU'RE SEEING AND HEARING THINGS THAT AREN'T REALLY THERE.

IT'S OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE BUT YOU.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOU SOME HELP.

I APPRECIATE THAT, ALLY.

'CAUSE I'M WORRIED WE'RE GONNA GET CANCELED.

HANG IN THERE.

UHH. [GASPS]

OH.

OK. I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU,

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE NOT REALLY THERE.

OR MAYBE I'M...

OR--OR MAYBE...

LINE? Woman: NOT REALLY HERE.

THANKS, LIZZIE.

NOT REALLY HERE.

OH, GOD.

I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE?

SIMONA MAKES HIM SLEEP IN THIS HIDEOUS DENTAL CONTRAPTION

SO HE DOESN'T GRIND HIS TEETH. [SIGHS]

IT WAS A CUSTOM-FITTED MOUTHGUARD MADE BY A DENTIST.

YEAH, BUT IT WAS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

YEAH, WELL, I IMAGINE IT'S A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

TO TRY TO SLEEP WHEN SOMEONE'S GRINDING THEIR TEETH AT NIGHT.

SO, THEN SHE SHOULD WEAR HER EAR PLUGS.

BUT WHAT IF THERE'S A FIRE, EDDIE?

YOU SMELL A FIRE, JOY. YOU DON'T HEAR ONE.

OK. OH, RIGHT. THAT MUST BE WHY

WE HAVE ALL THOSE SMELL DETECTORS ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

OK, THOSE ARE ALARMS, JOY. YOU HEAR ALARMS.

ALL RIGHT. SO, I AM TO UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU WOULD LET ME DIE IN A FIRE

BEFORE YOU'D WEAR A MOUTHGUARD.

I HAVE SENSITIVE GUMS.

YOU WOULD JUST HAVE TO WEAR THE EARPLUGS.

WHY AM I ALWAYS DOING ALL THE WEARING? [CHUCKLES]

[DEEP VOICE] "NO, JOY, I CAN'T WEAR A CONDOM. IT'S LIKE SHOWERING IN A RAINCOAT."

[NORMAL VOICE] 9 MONTHS LATER, "HI, ALLY!"

NICE TRY CHANGING THE SUBJECT,

BUT GRINDING MY TEETH HAS NEVER BOTHERED ME.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S BOTHERED ME.

WAIT A MINUTE.[LAUGHING]

I DON'T EVEN GRIND MY TEETH.

OH, MY GOD. DID YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

WE HAD SOMEONE ELSE'S ARGUMENT.

YOU SEE, THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

WHEN YOUR FRIENDS BREAK UP, YOU END UP PICKING SIDES.

I TOOK STEPHEN'S SIDE, AND YOU TOOK THE SIDE OF THE NUT.

OH--ALL RIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE A GUY.

AND GUYS ALWAYS TAKE THE SIDE OF THE GUY.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.WELL, YES, IT IS.

I CAN PROVE IT TO YOU. OK, LET'S SEE.

IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND,

WHICH ONE OF THEM WOULD YOU PICK TO BE WITH?

OK. SEE, NOW, THAT'S A TRICK QUESTION.

BECAUSE IF I PICK HER, I'M CHEATING ON YOU,

AND IF I PICK HIM, YOU WIN THE ARGUMENT.

IT'S SOPHIE'S CHOICE.

YOU CAN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION, CAN YOU?

WELL, CAN YOU?YES, I CAN.

I WOULD PICK SIMONA.

REALLY?REALLY.

AH. INTERESTING.MMM. MM-HMM.

AND I COULD ASSUME THAT YOUR CLOTHES

WOULD BE TORN AND TATTERED FROM THE SHIPWRECK?

[SIGHS]

YEAH. THEY WOULD BE.

AND THAT-THAT TWO OF YOU WOULD HAVE TO HUDDLE TOGETHER AT NIGHT

TO STAY WARM?

YES.

WELL, I SURE HOPE YOU DON'T GRIND YOUR TEETH AT NIGHT,

'CAUSE SHE WOULD SMOTHER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

I GUESS IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME

THAT THERE WOULD BE A LAGOON

WHERE BOTH OF YOU WOULD BE SWIMMING NAKED.

SHUT UP, EDDIE.

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.

SO, WHAT'S GOING ON, DOUG?

UH, I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY?

GOOD. THEN YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

IF YOU WERE HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR ANKLES, I COULDN'T HELP YOU.

BUT I'M GOOD WITH CRAZY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?

ACTUALLY, I DO.

I KNOW LOTS OF THINGS THAT ARE WEIRD.

BUT WHAT'S WEIRD TO YOU?

WELL, HAS ANYBODY EVER TOLD YOU

THAT YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THE GIRL WHO PLAYED BLOSSOM?

I AM THE GIRL THAT PLAYED BLOSSOM.

NO WAY.

WAY. HEH.

WHEN THE SHOW WAS OVER, I WENT INTO MEDICINE,

BECAME A SHRINK, AND FOUND MY SPECIALTY--

DEALING IN SITCOM-OSIS.

THAT'S THE TERM FOR SOMEONE WHO THINKS THAT THEY'RE LIVING IN A SITCOM.

I--I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.

OK.

SO, WHY DID YOU LOCATE TO PHILADELPHIA?

PHILADELPHIA?

YEAH. WE'RE IN PHILADELPHIA, RIGHT?

SURE.

TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE BEEN EXPERIENCING.

UM, OK.

WELL, THE WEIRDEST THING IS THE LAUGHTER.

I HEAR IT ALMOST EVERY TIME I SAY SOMETHING,

EVEN IF IT'S NOT FUNNY.[LAUGHTER]

J-JUST LIKE--THERE. DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU HEAR THAT?

[LAUGHTER]YES, I DID.

OH, THANK GOD.

THAT'S BECAUSE I HAVE A LAUGH TRACK HERE IN THE OFFICE.

I JUST HIT THIS BUTTON RIGHT HERE. [LAUGHTER]

CHECK THIS OUT. DOUG, YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLING]ISN'T THAT WILD? [CHUCKLING]

UH, WHY DO YOU HAVE A LAUGH TRACK?

AH, THE ETERNAL QUESTION.

MOST OF MY PATIENTS ARE USED TO HEARING LAUGHS.

PLUS, I GOT SO USED TO HEARING THEM WHEN I WAS ON THE SHOW

THAT I WANTED TO KEEP HEARING THEM.

O-OK. SO, WHAT'S GOING ON?

AM I CRAZY?

LOOK, DOUG. YOU'RE HAVING PARANOID DELUSIONS,

WHICH I WOULD GUESS WAS CAUSED BY USING DRUGS.

UH-HUH.IRONICALLY, THIS CONDITION

CAN BE CURED USING DRUGS.

REALLY?

WITH THE CORRECT COMBINATION OF SEROTONIN-REUPTAKE INHIBITORS,

DOWNERS, AND ASPIRIN, WE CAN RETURN YOU TO SOMETHING CLOSE TO NORMAL.

OH. TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU'VE BEEN EXPERIENCING.

UH, OK. WELL, IN ADDITION TO THE LAUGH TRACK,

UM, MY GIRLFRIEND HAS LOOKED LIKE 3 OR 4 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

I DON'T EVER REMEMBER BUYING CLOTHES.

NOTHING SERIOUS EVER HAPPENS TO ANYBODY.

THE CREW ONLY LAUGHS DURING BLOCKING.

UH...

IT'S JUST THIS--THIS CONSTANT FEELING OF BEING OBSERVED.

I CAN ASSURE YOU, DOUG, NO ONE IS WATCHING.

IT'S LIKE FRIDAY NIGHT ON FOX. THERE'S NOBODY THERE, BUDDY.

OK. THAT--THAT'S A RELIEF.

LOOK, DOUG, YOU SEEM LIKE A BRIGHT GUY.

SO, LET ME GIVE YOU A PHILOSOPHICAL OVERVIEW OF THE SITUATION.

YOU NEED TO STOP THIS NONSENSE ABOUT BEING IN A SITCOM.

IT WILL RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE,

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT WILL RUIN THE SHOW.

UH, WHAT--WHAT SHOW?

THE SHOW WE'RE ALL IN, DOUG, THE BIG SHOW.

IT'S CALLED LIFE.

OK, WHAT IF WE'RE ALL JUST PART OF SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAM?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

AND EVEN IF IT IS A DREAM, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO'S DREAMING IT.

COULD BE A DREAM OF SOME HOLLYWOOD HACK

TO SUPPORT HIS NEED FOR WHORES AND NARCOTICS.

I--I SAID THAT EXACT SAME THING

IN A PREVIOUS EPISODE.

EVERYBODY SAYS IT. IT'S OUR WORST FEAR.

IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER IF IT'S GOD'S DREAM.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT WE'RE IN IT.

SO, LEARN YOUR LINES, GO OUT THERE AND BE FUNNY,

BEFORE WHOEVER IS DREAMING THIS WAKES UP.

OK.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A PRESCRIPTION AND A CATCH PHRASE.

A CATCH PHRASE?YES.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE HAVING THESE DELUSIONS,

A CATCH PHRASE WILL HELP YOU DEAL WITH STRESS.

JUST SAY IT WHENEVER YOU FEEL FRIGHTENED

OR WHEN YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF A SCENE.

IT'S A BUTTON. HERE YOU GO. TRY IT.

"WHOA!"

TRUST ME. IT WORKS.

OH, HEY, JOY.

HI. STEPHEN. WELL, THIS IS A COINCIDENCE.

YEAH, IT IS. I WAS JUST PICKING UP SOME CHOCOLATE-COVERED DOUGHNUTS

TO CELEBRATE THE END OF A DIET. [CHUCKLING] OH.

NICE.HOW'S IT GOING?

FABULOUS. I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER IN MY LIFE.

OH. YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY

WHEN THEY DITCH THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN.

OH, NO, NO. I'M HAPPY

BECAUSE SIMONA AND I GOT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

OH.YEAH.

I WAS--I WAS KIDDING. HEH HEH.

YOU KNOW, I SUSPECTED THAT YOU WERE BACK TOGETHER,

BECAUSE YOU LOOK JUST SO HAPPY. YEAH.

YEAH, VERY HAPPY. I WENT OVER THERE LAST NIGHT

TO PICK UP MY SHAVING GEAR, AND WE TALKED.

MM-HMM.AH. YOU HAVE SHAVING GEAR?

WHO ARE YOU, SWEENEY TODD?

NO, I GOT ALL THAT STUFF. I EVEN HAVE THE STROP.

THE STROP?YEAH. YOU KNOW--

THE LEATHER THING YOU SHARPEN A BLADE ON, OH.

GETS YOU A REALLY CLOSE SHAVE. YEAH.

YOU OUGHT TO LOOK INTO IT.

JUST...

I--I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I MEAN, JUST...

OH, I'M SORRY. THAT WAS A SHADOW. I'M SORRY. MY BAD.

BUT ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, SIMONA AND I MADE UP, AND I MOVED BACK IN.

WELL, I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HAPPY,

AND EDDIE IS GONNA BE SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HAPPY.

WELL, SIMONA AND I ARE BOTH HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HAPPY FOR US.

AND, UM, WE CAN ALL BE HAPPY TOGETHER

WHEN YOU TAKE US OUT TO DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.

DINNER?YEAH.

SIMONA SAID THAT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO TAKE US

TO LE PETIT CHATEAU? AND NOW YOU CAN.

IT'S BACK ON AGAIN. ISN'T THAT GREAT?

UH, YEAH. IT'S GREAT. [CHUCKLING]

I MEAN, OF COURSE, UNLESS THIS WAS ALL A RUSE AND YOU DIDN'T THINK

THAT WE WOULD ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO GO THERE.

OH, STOP IT. ARE YOU KIDDING? OK.

IT'S A SPECIAL PLACE FOR A SPECIAL NIGHT.

IT REALLY IS.BUT YOU KNOW WHERE ELSE

IS...REALLY GREAT? IS SPAGHETTABOUTIT.

SPAGHETTABOUTIT? AH, THAT CRAP-HOLE?

YOU'RE FUNNY. SO, UH,

WE WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT, THEN, AT LE PETIT CHATEAU.

OK. [CHUCKLING]BRING MONEY.

I'M GONNA GET YOU THAT STROP.

THAT'S RIGHT. RESERVATION FOR 4, 7:00 TOMORROW.

THANKS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS JUST MAKING A RESERVATION FOR TOMORROW NIGHT

AT LE PETIT CHATEAU.WHY?

BECAUSE STEPHEN AND SIMONA GOT BACK TOGETHER.

SO, BECAUSE THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER, NOW I'M ON THE HOOK

FOR AN EXPENSIVE MEAL? HONEY, FOR WHAT IT COSTS AT LE PETIT CHATEAU,

I COULD BUY A LITTLE HOUSE. NICE WORK, JOY-JOY.

HEY, IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

I GOTTA BLAME SOMEBODY. WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, APPARENTLY, STEPHEN WENT OVER THERE TO PICK UP HIS SHAVING GEAR,

AND THEY JUST PATCHED THINGS UP.

HE'S GOT SHAVING GEAR?YEAH, INCLUDING A STROP.

WELL, ASK HIM WHERE HE GOT THAT. I'LL PICK YOU UP ONE.

EDDIE, I DO NOT NEED A STROP!

ALL RIGHT. WELL, NO, IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW--

OK, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH-AH. MAH, MAH.STOP IT!

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

JUST TEASING.

AND ANYWAY, STEPHEN MOVED BACK IN, SO...

ALL RIGHT. WELL, GOOD FOR THEM.

ONE THING I CAN TELL YOU, BABY,

YOU NEVER GOTTA WORRY ABOUT ME MOVING OUT,

MY BABY LOVE.OOH, REALLY?

ABSOLUTELY.AW.

YEAH, WE ARE GOOD TOGETHER, AREN'T WE? YES, WE ARE.

IN A WILDLY DYSFUNCTIONAL WAY, WE'RE THE BEST.

MMM. IMAGINE IF EITHER OF US GOT OUR ACT TOGETHER.

THIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WOULD FALL APART.

WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT'S EVER GONNA HAPPEN,

BECAUSE YOU'RE AS DISTURBED AND DAMAGED AS THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU.

YOU FLATTERER.

HA HA HA! GIVE ME A LITTLE SUGAR, BABY.

MWAH.

HOW YOU DOIN'?

B-BETTER...I THINK.

SHE SAID THE PILLS WOULD TAKE A WHILE TO START WORKING,

SO I'VE BEEN USING THE COPING TECHNIQUES THAT SHE SHOWED ME.

GOOD.

I WANT YOU TO BE BACK TO NORMAL.

YEAH, ME, TOO-- WHATEVER NORMAL IS.

NORMAL IS WHERE WE LIVE OUR LIVES NORMALLY,

AND WE DON'T QUESTION WHAT'S REAL AND ISN'T REAL.

REALLY?

YEAH.

LET'S FACE IT, DOUG.

THERE'S NO REAL ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.

THE BEST THING WE CAN DO IS ENJOY LIFE NOW,

BECAUSE NOW IS ALL WE GOT. HEH.

I'M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE.

OH, SEE, LOOK. YOU KEEP THINKING LIKE THAT, EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.

YEAH. I MEAN IT. THANK YOU.

THERE'S CHOCOLATE-COVERED DOUGHNUTS IN THE HOUSE.

HOW ABOUT I GO GET US SOME?THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

OK. BE RIGHT BACK.OK. OK.

HEY, I-I'M GONNA MISS YOU GUYS.

HEY, BEFORE THESE DRUGS KICK IN,

HOW ABOUT ONE LAST BIG LAUGH FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE?

[LAUGHTER]

WHOA! HEH HEH HEH.

ALL RIGHT, TO YOUR ANNIVERSARY.

MAY THERE BE MANY MORE.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

ACTUALLY, WE SPLIT UP EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON.

WE'RE JUST HERE FOR THE FREE MEAL.

WHAT?REALLY?

OF COURSE NOT. WE'RE TIGHTER NOW THAN WE'VE EVER BEEN.

RIGHT, BABY? [CHUCKLING][CHUCKLING] THAT'S TRUE.

WE'RE LIKE TEENAGERS.THAT'S RIGHT--

COMPLETELY CONFUSED, ALWAYS SELF-ABSORBED,

AND CHRONICALLY RUBBING ONE OUT.

WHAT DO I LOVE?DIS RIGHT HERE.

HO HO HO!HEH YEH YEH YEH!

UH, WATCH IT WITH THE LAUGH, HONEY.

YOU DON'T WANNA ANNOY THE BIG GUY. WHAT?

YEAH, HE DOESN'T LIKE THAT LAUGH OF YOURS. RIGHT, EDDIE?

I MEAN, YOU SAID IT WAS LIKE A CACKLE.

YOU SAID IT WAS LIKE RAZOR BLADES ON YOUR SPINE.

WH-WHAT? NO.EDDIE...

YOU SAID THAT? NO, OF COURSE NOT. I WOULD NEVER--

YEAH, YOU DID.A-ALL RIGHT.

I SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE OF STEPHEN.

YEAH, I DID NOT AGREE WITH HIM AT ALL. I LOVE YOUR LAUGH, HONEY.

THANK YOU. AND I DON'T MIND ANY OF THE STUFF THAT JOY FINDS ANNOYING ABOUT YOU.

I--I DON'T FIND ANYTHING ANNOYING

ABOUT STEPHEN. I DIDN'T--

OH, SURE YOU DID.

YOU SAID HE STICKS HIS FINGER IN HIS EAR LIKE A LITTLE A HILLBILLY.

OH, HONEY!I--I--

WHOO-EE! I DONE TOUCHED MY BRAIN!

HEH YEH YEH YEH!HA HA!

LISTEN, I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.

I WAS JUST BEING SUPPORTIVE OF SIMONA.

OH, YEAH, YOU WERE BEING REAL SUPPORTIVE.

SHE SAID NOW THAT I'M RID OF YOU,

I COULD GET LUCKY WITH LOTS OF MEN!

MMM.UH, THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.

HOW ELSE COULD YOU HAVE MEANT IT? OHH.

SHE'S A WHORE, AND I'M A HILLBILLY JACKASS.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK. I DON'T THINK WE KNOW SIMONA WELL ENOUGH

TO DECIDE WHETHER SHE'S A WHORE OR NOT.

BUT I CAN CERTAINLY SAY THAT WHEN YOU DO STICK YOUR PINKIE IN YOUR MELON, STEPHEN,

YOU DO LOOK LIKE A HILLBILLY JACKASS.

EDDIE! STOP IT.WELL, NO, HE DOES.

TRUTH BE TOLD, THE REASON I DO THAT

IS I'M OVERACTIVE PRODUCER OF EARWAX.

IT'S TRUE. HE SUPPLIES MADAME TUSSAUDS.

HEY, HALF OF JAY LENO'S CHIN CAME OUT OF THIS EAR.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. NOW YOU'RE MESSING WITH US, RIGHT?

OH, MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

HEY, ANOTHER TOAST-- TO DRUNKIE AND GIGANTOR.

OH. NICE.HO HO HO!

TO THE WHORE AND THE HILLBILLY.

OH! TOUCHEÉ.

CHEERS.HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

THANK YOU.

WELL, THAT CAN NEVER HAPPEN, BECAUSE YOU'RE AS...

DISINFECTANT AND...[CHUCKLING]

HEH HEH.

WELL, TRUTH BE TOLD, THE REASON I DO THAT

IS BECAUSE I'M AN OVERACTOR--

[ALL CHUCKLING]

I KEEP--AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I KEEP THINKING THAT WE'RE

GONNA GET TIRED OF--WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OH, YOU WANT TO DO YOUR THING AGAIN? OK. PLEASE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THE LINES GOING. OK.

DO YOUR THING.

THANK YOU.NO, NOT LIKE THAT.

[CHUCKLING]