All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.2011.S06E09.Precious.Snowflakes.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTB

♪♪

[ Groans ]
Hey.

How was your day?

You know that scene
in "Jurassic Park"

where the dinosaur finds the guy
stuck in the mud,

spits at him,
then eats him?

Oof. That bad, huh?

No, that good.
At work, I am the dinosaur.

Ah! Dad, I'm glad
you're finally home.

I need your help.

Mandy, I -- I've been home.
I can help.

Ohhh!
That is so sweet, Mom!

Yeah, but this has nothing
to do with science or wine.

So, um,
as you may have heard,

I'm on the committee
to select the speaker

for the business school's
fall graduation next week.

Right. I think WikiLeaks already
spilled the beans on that.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Did I miss a year?
You aren't graduating.

No, I'm not, Mother,
but being on the committee

gets me extra credit
for my business ethics class.

And the extra credit
gets me a passing grade.

Do you see
where I'm going here?

Apparently, not to class.

Well, if you need
a speaker,

I know a very intelligent
and articulate teacher.

No, thanks.

We were hoping to get
somebody famous.

I was wondering
if you would do it.

Well, being the face
of 20 sporting-goods stores

does offer me
a little bit of celebrity.

Well, it did get you free
biscuits at Red Lobster once.

Okay, sorry.
Uh, I wasn't clear.

We tried to get
someone famous --

Kanye, Beyoncé, Rihanna,

that swimmer who lied
about getting mugged, uh...

So, anyway,
I'm out of options.

Out of options?
Stop the sweet talk.

[ Laughs ]

Listen, I got to let the school
know by today

so they can print the programs
for commencement.

Please,
will you do it?

Uh...

Of course.
Anything for you.

Thank you!
You're the best.

But I need a building
named after me,

and I want no colored M&M's
in my dressing room.

-- Captions by VITAC --

♪♪

Hi!
Hey, honey.

What, did you miss your mother
or just the washing machine?

[ Chuckles ] Don't answer that.
Let me dream.

I can't do laundry
at Kristin's.

Ryan makes
his own fabric softener,

and all my clothes
smell like vinegar.

Yeah. He gave me
some of that.

You know, it's actually
a decent salad dressing.

Hmm.

So, how are things
in the music biz?

It sucks.

My last audition I was at,
there were like 20 other singers

and I didn't even get a chance
to try out.

Oh.

Even Bob Dylan
had to sell shoes

for a year
before he became Bob Dylan.

You totally just made that up,
but thanks.

Got a story
about Lady Gaga

doing laundry
at her parents' house?

[ Laughs ] No,
but I'll make you dinner.

We're having lasagna
and mixed greens

with Ryan's
fabric softener.

I can't. Cammy's coming
to pick me up.

She's home from college
for the week.

Oh, wow.

I just can't picture Cammy
in college.

Actually,
I can't even picture Cammy

anywhere that doesn't
have unicorns.

I'm worried about her.

She doesn't do too well
on her own.

I've always been around to
help her out when she's scared.

Oh! Remember when you got her
over her fear of escalators?

Yeah -- she was afraid
she'd get stuck

if there was
a power outage.

What can I say? The kid needs me.
Yeah.

Hi, Mrs. Baxter!
Oh!

Your door was unlocked,
and we're practically family,

so I let myself in.

But if I've overstayed
my welcome,

I will go back out there
and ring the bell.

Your call.

Well, if it was my call, Cammy,
you never would have gone away.

Aww!

[ Squeals ]

Hey, Cammy!

How's college?
You holding up, champ?

Honestly?

I've heard the first year
is a little rough.

It's awesome!

Okay, I'm crushing
all my classes.

I live in the co-ed dorm.

Va-va voom!
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, and did I tell you I'm
playing intramural Frisbee golf?

You did, but I thought
that was a joke.

[ Chuckles ]

I don't joke
about Frolf, okay?

Oh!

Um, guess who's president
of our dorm.

I don't know --
Rudy Giuliani?

That guy
will do anything.

No. It's me.

Look --
they made me a hat.

It says
"El presidente."

[ Chuckles ]

I'm in
the Spanish-speaking dorm.

Wow. I always knew
you could rock a sombrero.

[ Laughs ] Yeah. Sounds
like you're doing great.

I am.

And what about you? I mean,
how's the music career going?

I want to come
to one of your gigs.

Yeah, they're usually
super-packed, though.

Yeah. Really hard to get into.

Cause I'm pretty much...
killing it, so...

Um, of course you are.

You're Eve Baxter, okay?

The girl who could take on
any escalator.

Whew!

You know, I knew that you would
rock the face off Denver.

Yeah. I-I mean, I don't have
a big record deal yet,

but even Bob Dylan had to
sell shoes for a year, so...

♪♪

Hi.
Hey.

Um, I hate to rush you.

I just wanted to see
how the speech was coming along.

Well, I hate to brag...

Who am I kidding?
I love to brag.

Yeah.

It's fantastic,
you know?

I work good
under pressure.

I'm kind of like Lincoln
in that way.

Mm.

If he was so great,
they wouldn't have

killed him off
at the end of the first movie.

Um...do you want me
to give you some notes

before you send it in?

Why -- Send it in?
What do you mean?

The faculty committee
needs to approve it

after they check
for micro-aggressions.

Micro-aggressions?

You mean, like,
midget warriors?

No. They're objectionable
words or phrases.

For instance,
"midget warriors."

I know
what micro-aggressions are.

It's the latest liberal attack
at free speech.

And a lot of fun
if you do them right.

The university
has a list of stuff

they don't allow speakers
to say.

You know,
to protect the students.

From what, ideas?

It's just the way that my school
does things, dad.

Please. My grade
is riding on this.

Fine!

All right.

Just pretend like you introduced
me to thunderous applause.

Sure.

Some lady faints
in the front row.

"Ladies and gentlemen --"
Okay, stop.

No,
they'll pick her up.

Come on, EMS.
Get her out of here.

No, uh, you can't say
"ladies and gentlemen,"

because it excludes those
who don't identify as either.

Hmm. But those are
the only two choices.

No, not anymore.

You just have to keep it
gender-neutral, okay?

Please continue.

"Hey, everybody."

"America is
the land of opportunity.

I stand before you as --"
Stop!

Okay, by saying that America's
the land of opportunity,

you are implying that everyone
has the same opportunities.

I'm not implying it.
I'm saying it.

If you live here and you
work hard, you can succeed.

That's how this works.

Uh...yeah,
that one's on here, too.

It hurts the feelings of those
who work hard and don't succeed.

Give me that.

Where's the list of stuff that
doesn't hurt people's feelings?

That's got to be
a short one.

You have no idea how seriously
my school takes this stuff, dad.

And remember
the greater good here.

You're helping me scam my way
to passing ethics.

This list is insane.

If I go by these rules,

I'll be going against
everything I believe in.

I know,
but just for 15 minutes.

Thank you, Dad.
No, no, no.

Can't call me "Dad."
What if I identify as "Mom"?

♪♪

♪♪

There he is --
The Great Orator.

Yeah.

How's that commencement speech
going, Mikey?

Terrible.

Mandy's college is
one of those safe spaces.

You have to conform,
or you're shouted down.

I believe Red China
had a similar program.

Except there was less shouting
and more shooting.

It's a list of stuff
I'm not allowed to say,

'cause I might
offend somebody.

If I went to the school,
all I'd be able to do is shrug.

A lot of schools
are doing that now.

But Cammy's school
is pushing back.

They support open debate

and told the kids
if they're easily offended,

they should find
a different college.

Yeah, well, they headed
over to the college

I'm giving
the stupid speech at.

It's a whole new world
out there, Mikey.

It's time to die.

What am I
supposed to say?

"Good evening,
carbon-based life-forms."

"In business, it doesn't matter
if you succeed,

as long as you try --
or don't try.

However you feel.

Namaste."

[ Laughs ]

Man,
when did feelings become

the most important thing
in the world?

When I was a kid,
there were no feelings.

That was invented in the '50s
by beatniks.

Kind of surprised
you're on my side about this.

Oh, absolutely, man.

They say they're fighting
subconscious racism.

Right.

But I wasn't aware we won
the war on conscious racism.

So excuse me if you get offended
when I call you a gentleman...

Yeah. ...but I've been
called much worse.

Right.

Maybe it is time
I push back --

protect those kids from people
who are trying to protect them.

Yeah. Let Mike Baxter
be Mike Baxter.

Maybe I'll open up
with a Polish joke.

Do the one about
the bowling ball in the bathtub.

It's a classic.

I love that one!

You know, Cammy's school is
one of those safe spaces, too.

I just like
messing with him.

♪♪

U-Uh, I don't want
to do this.

I-I'm scared
of heights.

Okay, well,
that's why we're doing it.

Remember when
you were afraid of horses

and I took you
horseback riding?

Yeah. That was fun.

Until I got off and Cinnamon
kicked me in the chest.

I -- I got kicked in the head
by a horse once.

For a few weeks,
I was very good at the piano.

Look at that --

another farm accident
with a happy ending.

Look, nothing will happen to you
if you just focus on my voice,

like when I said,
"Don't stand behind Cinnamon."

Okay,
I'll give it a try.

Yeah.

Hey, you got nothing
to worry about.

I mean, we've had little kids
go up there

blind people,
a 94-year-old woman.

That one
didn't end well.

I should stop using it
as an example.

Okay, you're doing great,
Cammy.

Thanks.

[ Breathing heavily ]

I'm stuck.

All right, well,
you're 2 feet off the ground.

So, um, grab the yellow hold
with your left hand.

Okay, which one's yellow?

I can't see colors
anymore!

I'm gonna fall!
Okay, just -- just --

Nope, not that one. Hey, hey, hey,
could you guys, uh, keep it down?

I know my restaurant's
in the middle of a gun store,

but I'm trying
to create an ambience.

Sorry.
Cammy's stuck.

It's the 94-year-old
all over again.

Just take a deep breath,
Cammy.

I can't! The air
is too thin up here!

Okay. I -- Okay.
[ Breathing heavily ]

Just get me down, please!

[ Crying ]
Please get me down!

Please!

Why did you
make me do that?!

Okay, well, first off,
you didn't do it.

But if you had,

you might have felt like
you accomplished something.

I have accomplished
plenty!

Okay? I am presidente
of my dorm.

Adios!

Presidente
just stole a harness.

Cammy!

What is going on
with you guys?

Even last night at the house,
it seemed weird.

It's her --
I'm not the one

making all the friends
and having fun.

Look, after high school,
I didn't see any of my friends.

I felt embarrassed

because they were all off
doing exciting stuff,

while I was home,
changing diapers.

But then I realized
that they weren't judging me.

Only I was.

I was judging you, too.
And I was only 9.

♪♪

Hey, babe?
Yeah? Hey.

Got a sec? I want to run
the rewrite of my speech by you.

Oh, yeah,
I can't wait to hear

what the new P.C. Mike Baxter
has to say.

Yeah.
[ Laughs ]

Well, sounds a lot like
the old Mike Baxter,

but drunk
in a locker room.

But I'll tell you, Mandy's list
was a good blueprint.

You mean
of what not to say.

Oh, no, I got them
all in there. Sit.

All right, uh, okay.

"Good afternoon
ladies and gentlemen --

and all of you
on the fence."

Oh, God.

"To quote future Nobel Prize
winner Lee Greenwood,

'I'm proud
to be an American.'

Not just because I have
the right to speak my mind

or carry an awesome gun,

but because
it's the land of opportunity.

Some whiny babies might not
think so, but in America,

if you work hard,
anyone can be successful.

Anyone. Any...one.
Any one."

That goes on and on.
I keep doing it.

All right, you know what?
Y-You cannot give that speech.

You cannot --
can not.

It'll cause Mandy
a lot of trouble.

With the thought police, who
have their panties in a bunch?

And that's in there.
Got that in.

The thought police are never
gonna approve that speech.

You know who else wouldn't approve
the speech they want me to give?

Me.

And God, who I'm also
not allowed to mention,

but I do.

Well, for the love
of God,

think about this
before you send it in.

I think the problem is we're
thinking too much about this.

Time for action.

[ Tablet whooshes ]

♪♪

♪♪

You!

You, you, you,
you, you!

I like what you're saying
so far.

Okay.

I just spent
a brutal hour

in front
of the faculty committee.

Professor Moffat called
what you wrote a screed.

He was so mad,
he was making up words.

Well, he had to.
He banned all the good ones.

If you don't change this,
they're not gonna let you speak.

I'm not changing it.

You know what?

I'm gonna say something right
now I really don't want to,

but I am so frustrated,
I just feel like I have to.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Please.

Mandy, I can't.

Why are you fighting them
on this?

Why can't you
just get along?

Because committees
who make up lists like this

aren't asking us
to get along.

They're telling us
to go along.

And I don't go along.

They're just words.

Why can't you just change
a couple of words, Dad?

Because they're the words
to my story.

Fine. It's your story.

But it's not true
for everyone.

It's a different world
out there now.

Time to die.

♪♪

[ Guitar tuning ]

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for coming.
Wasn't sure you would.

Well, I said I would --
passive.

But, uh, if you noticed,
I am two minutes late --

aggressive.

I'm taking psychology.

Really?

So, what do psychologists
call it

when you make a friend
do something they're scared of

just to make yourself
feel needed?

I don't know. It's pretty early
in the semester.

I'm sorry I made you
climb the wall.

It's just that you're
crushing it and...I'm not.

What are you talking about?
You're doing awesome.

I mean, you said
you were doing gigs.

This is my gig --
outside a mall.

I also have gigs
outside a laundromat,

a grocery store,
a pet shop.

You want to feel bad
about yourself,

get heckled by a parrot.

I may be crushing it,
but college isn't that hard.

I mean, I've got a meal plan
and a dorm.

I have an adviser who tells me
what classes to take.

You're finding your own way,
and that's way harder.

And it's also
super-impressive.

I'm singing in front
of a trash can, Cammy.

And people are paying
to hear it.

I mean,
you've made $4.

And a button!

Pretty sure
that's a tooth.

You were there to support me,
and I got into college.

So now I'm gonna support you,
so one day,

I'll be able to tell people
that I knew Eve Baxter

when she was singing
in front of a trash can.

Maybe keep that one
under your "El presidente" hat.

[ Sighs ]
Okay, you know what?

I would like
to hear a song.

Really? A dollar?

All right, sorry, sorry.
Just kidding.

Don't expect
much of a crowd.

Oh. It looks like someone
could use a little support.

Hey! Everyone!
Stay away!

Okay, this girl is terrible!
She can't sing at all!

Reverse psychology.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Y-Yeah.

♪♪

W-W-What is this place,
and why are we here?

Well, I've been trying
to tell you my story

over and over again,
but you're not listening,

so I had no choice.

All right,
whatever you're planning,

Mom knows
that I'm with you.

Dad?

Dad, I don't --

I don't think
you're allowed --

Okay.

Come on in.

Welcome to the first
Rocky Mountain Subs Shop.

This is where Mrs. Jamali
started her sub sandwich empire.

Wait -- is that
the Pakistani lady

who yells
in those commercials?

She opened the store
about the same time

Ed and I opened
the first Outdoor Man.

So people ate food
in this place?

[ Chuckles ]

She worked 14 hours a day
to get this going, right?

You think that made her
a mean woman?

You'd be right, 'cause she's got
quite a mouth on her.

Okay.
What's your point, Dad?

Well, now Mrs. Jamali's
got 12 stores.

I've got 20.

And the only thing
we have in common

is our willingness
to bust our ass --

and, of course,
our basic distrust of Russia.

That makes two of you.

But the truth is,
there are still plenty of people

in this country who work hard
and they don't succeed.

Okay, I could change the words,
but I can't change my message.

I think in America,
if you work hard,

you will succeed
because that's my story.

And that's her story.

That's millions
of other people's stories.

And now they won't
let you tell it.

I know.
And it's a shame.

'Cause I think you should worry
less about who you might offend

and care more about
who you might inspire.

She had her first dollar bill
sitting right up here

by these decorative,
um...

Goodness gracious.
It's bullet holes.

[ Siren wailing ]

See if the car's
still there.

♪♪

Thank you.

Yes, thank you, Professor Quinn,
for that, um, speech

about your brave battle
against restless legs syndrome.

Thank you.

There is a change in the program
for our final speaker.

It was going to be my father,
Mike Baxter,

but Mr. Baxter refused to comply
with the university guidelines.

You'd like to call me a name,
wouldn't you?

But you can't.
'Cause I'm in a safe space.

Those guidelines
are supposed to protect us.

But from what?

Ideas?

My father never thought
I was so fragile

that he couldn't tell me
what he thinks,

even when I disagree with him.

Which I do.

A lot.

But we both agree
that everyone should be able

to tell their story, even if
it might potentially offend.

Look at our daughter --

making enemies,
just like her dad.

Who'd she get
to replace you?

That's the fun part.

And now our last speaker --
Mariam Jamali.

Originally from Pakistan,
she is the founder

of the Rocky Mountain Subs
chain.

So buckle up, 'cause she's got
quite the mouth on her.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

I know, I know --
the word "man"

can be offensive
to some people.

And if you're a shut-in,

the word "outdoor"
could be a trigger.

Maybe I should declare it
a safe zone

and just say, "Hey, Mike Baxter
here for the store."

No, because it's a safe bet

any progress
has offended somebody.

Thomas Jefferson wasn't worried

about hurting
King George's feelings

when he shoved
the Declaration of Independence

right up his royal arse.

And about 100 years later,

a black engineer
named Elijah McCoy

wasn't worried
about offending bigots

when he was first granted
one of his 57 patents.

The McCoy lubricator
kept the steam engine oiled,

greasing the rails

for something open-minded people
like to call progress!

Elvis Presley
offended everybody.

Black people were mad
he stole their music.

White people were mad

'cause he brought them
black people's music.

Then everybody shut up
and just started dancing.

If Elvis didn't offend people,
he would have been Pat Boone.

And there are folks
even offended by Pat Boone.

They're called the Taliban.

So you can be like them,
or you can be like

Thomas Jefferson, Elijah McCoy,
and Elvis Presley.

After all,
this is a free country

thanks to people who are willing
to give offense.

So, anyway, two Polish guys
walk into a bar...