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MAN: In the movies, Dracula wears a cape...

...and some old English guy always manages to save the day...

...at the last minute with crosses and holy water.

But everybody knows the movies are full of shit.

The truth is it started with Blade, and it ended with him.

The rest of us were just along for the ride.

GRIMWOOD: What's this chicken scratch?

DANICA: It's cuneiform.

It's about 4000 years old.

- So why here? - Because this is the cradle of civilization.

He would have been comfortable here.

I don't know, Dan. This seems like another dead end.

- There's something beneath us. ASHER: You find a watch?

Is it a body?

[RUMBLING IN DISTANCE]

Guys?

[WOLFE SCREAMING]

GRIMWOOD: Go.

[SCREAMS]

What the fuck? Motherfucker!

[ROARING]

[DANICA SCREAMING]

Tonight, Dr. Edgar Vance, forensic psychiatrist...

...and author of the New York Times bestseller:

Human Health: The Whole Being breakthrough.

Also with us, Martin Vreede, chief of police.

They'll be here for the next hour, and they'll be taking your calls...

...next on Bentley Tittle Live.

Okay, Dr. Vance, you are a psychiatrist and a biochemist...

...isn't that true?

Yes, uh, Bentley, I am both.

And it's for a reason. I have always believed that true health can only be achieved...

...if we reconcile the body and the mind.

And, of course, in order to do that, we have to get rid of a lot of old notions.

Okay, and how does that fit in with vampires?

Uh, in the case of vampires, we're dealing with creatures that are the repositories...

...of some of our most taboo thoughts.

TITTLE: Okay. VANCE: Predatory rage.

TITTLE: Yeah. - Sexual sadism.

- Sexual? VANCE: Sexual sadism.

These are very scary subjects for people to own up to, and they're right inside.

So, what you're saying is we pass the buck onto someone else.

- You bet we do. - And vampires...?

Well, for instance, there's a hereditary blood disease.

I talk about it in my book, it's called porphyria.

And the symptoms of this disease are remarkably similar to classic vampire traits.

The people who suffer from this disease are anemic.

They become intolerant to sunlight. They can't handle garlic.

Garlic? Chief Vreede, okay, what's your take on all these rumors...

...we've been hearing about vampires? Vampires. Vampires! What?

The only vampires I'm worried about are the ones passing the bar exam. Ha-ha-ha.

Ahem.

Seriously though, if vampires existed, don't you think we would've found them by now?

The truth is, our streets have never been safer.

Homicides, assaults, violent crime is down across the board.

People wanna be concerned...

...they should focus in on characters like this Blade criminal.

That's the guy I wanna hear about.

I wanna hear about this character Blade. What about him?

He's a sociopath that we've been pursuing.

Blade is a troubled individual.

I understand that he is under the impression...

...that there is a vast conspiracy of vampires.

Heh, heh. Yeah.

You've got to look at the psychiatric underpinnings of a belief like that.

Odds are, he believes that he is out there slaying monsters.

TITTLE: Mm-hm. VANCE: But what he's really doing...

...is trying to kill aspects of himself.

[MAN SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[GUNSHOT]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

[SNARLS]

BLADE: I'm on the Stonebridge overpass.

Got it. Heading westbound. I'm just beneath you.

[HORN HONKS]

Go.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[TIRES SCREECHING AND HORNS HONKING]

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

[ROARING]

[GROWLS]

[GROANING]

MAN 1: Come on!

I got him. Pull!

You all right, man?

[ENGINE REVS]

MAN 2: He's got a gun!

[PEOPLE YELLING]

WOMAN 1: Oh, my God! WOMAN 2: Aah!

[GEDGE COUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

Staked you with silver.

Why aren't you ash?

Why aren't you smarter?

Not a vampire, dumb shit!

Set your sorry ass up.

[CHUCKLING]

Hm.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING AND SIREN WAILING]

Damn.

DANICA: Oh, Blade.

[LAUGHS]

What the fuck happened tonight?

How should I know?

He was human.

You're getting reckless, Blade. Killing vampires is clean.

They ash, don't leave any evidence behind.

Killing humans is messy.

You better hope nobody ID'd you.

This worked really good.

- What's this? - A new delivery system for your serum.

It's an effervescent inhaler.

Just bite down on the mouth guard.

Delivery's automatic.

Some friends of mine made it.

Hm. Friends?

Yeah. You remember those?

WOMAN [ON TV]: It was horrible. The one car crashed...

...then the guy in the coat shot the other guy.

- It looked like there was a lot of blood. - Thank you.

That was just a taste of the mayhem that occurred...

...during tonight's brazen shootout that left at least four people dead.

Now, apparently, an anonymous citizen captured the whole event on video.

Hey, Ray. Hey, we got a lead.

Let's catch a plane, Wilson.

Time to take these cowboys down.

That's what I'm talking about.

What's he been doing?

Fuck-all. Just feeding.

Been through five of them so far.

You think we have enough security?

We didn't capture him, he allowed us to take him in.

You understand? I'm gonna go in.

You shouldn't have woken me.

DANICA: We had to.

Your blood, your sacrament, can set us free now.

What makes you think I care?

Your people need you.

My people?

You're nothing but shadows of your former selves.

Look how far you have fallen.

The world's changed since your time.

The humans have a new hunter.

Blade.

And you'd like me to kill him, wouldn't you?

Yes.

[OVER SPEAKERS] You can't fight the curse

You can't call the doctor

VENDOR [IN ESPERANTO]:

[IN ESPERANTO]

With the thirsty love guzzler

From the dark side, baby Don't be afraid

You can't fight the thirst

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

AGENT: Subject is heading west.

Got him.

Congratulations. You're famous.

Somebody nailed us.

Your face is all over the papers and television.

Media's eating it up.

- Like I care. - Well, you should.

Something like this, taking out a human...

...as far as the rest of the world is concerned...

...you're public enemy number one.

Didn't know this was a popularity contest.

Damn it, Blade, don't you see what they're doing?

They're waging a goddamn P.R. campaign.

Now it's not just vampires we gotta worry about...

...we're gonna have to take on the rest of the world too.

You worry too much, old man.

It's why we're still alive, goddamn it.

I've been doing this since before you were born, Blade.

You're like a son to me.

I'm sorry I got old on you.

I see you alone, surrounded by enemies.

And it breaks my heart.

We can't win this war alone.

Look at it. He just gave me the evil eye. Come on, man. What about that guy?

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

- Prostitute, baby. Whoo-hoo! - Come on! Quit fucking around!

I'm hungry and I want to eat somebody.

- What about him? - No fatties. They taste like Cheetos.

I don't know. I like him.

Wait. What about that? Shrunken apple-headed bitch.

That fucking sorry ass over there.

Fucking blow me, man! Just pick one already. Jesus Christ!

FLICK: Oh, got it! Got it!

Baby on board.

DINGO: Oh, looks like we got ourselves a combo meal!

[BABY CRYING]

DINGO: Chickie, chickie, chickie.

[CHUCKLES]

[BUZZER RINGS]

VAMPIRE 1: Oh, yeah, baby!

VAMPIRE 2: What's for dinner?

[YELLS]

Heh, heh. Hey, pretty lady.

[GROWLS]

[FLICK LAUGHS THEN WHOOPS]

No! No!

[BABY WAILING]

No!

[GRUNTING]

Scream if this hurts, chica.

- Ha, ha, ha! - Aah!

FLICK: "Fuck you"?

[FLICK SCREAMING]

Garlic!

[GRUNTING]

Come on!

Scream if this hurts, chica.

[DINGO SCREAMING]

What is it?

What you were worried about.

Let's go, let's go!

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Shoot to kill!

[GUNSHOTS]

[AGENT GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GUNSHOT]

[GROANING]

Move a finger, and you're dead.

How's about this one?

He's got something in his hand!

WHISTLER: Get out, Blade!

Shit!

What's going on in there?

Somebody talk to me!

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

AGENT 1: Hold it right there!

AGENT 2: Don't shoot, don't shoot.

Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

Special agents Ray Cumberland, Wilson Hale. FBI.

We've been tracking you a long time.

Whistler.

Dead.

Just like all your victims.

How many people have you killed, Blade?

Thirty? Forty? Fifty?

1182.

But they were all familiars.

People who work with them.

Oh. And by "them," you mean vampires, right?

So how do you kill these bloodsuckers, tough guy?

Maybe you can give us some pointers.

- You can stake them, right? - What about sunlight?

- They ain't feeling sunlight right? - What about crosses? Do they still work?

- In this day and age? - I don't know, Ray.

What if Mr. Homey Vampire's like Jewish?

- Ha, ha. That's a good point. - Heh, heh.

And what about garlic? Does that work on Hindu vampires?

Or do you need like saffron or some shit?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

WILSON: That was quick. - Thank you.

[RAY CHUCKLES]

You can keep doing your song and dance as long as you want, Blade.

It's not gonna play.

We know what you are.

You're a stone-cold killer.

And you're sick as fuck.

Let's leave the diagnosis to the professionals.

Hello, Blade.

My name is Dr. Vance.

I've been charged with giving you a psychiatric evaluation.

Gentlemen, would you mind giving us just a couple of minutes alone?

RAY: He's all yours.

I know you must find this very frightening...

...but I want you to know that I'm here to help.

And in order for me to do that...

...I'm gonna have to ask you a couple of questions.

Okay?

Heh. You know, Blade, the darnedest thing. I was signing in at Security...

...and couldn't remember the date.

Do you know what day it is?

How about the president?

You know who that is?

Who's in the White House right now?

An asshole.

I think somebody here wants to talk about vampires.

Vampires.

For everyone else, it's kind of silly.

I had a set of wax teeth when I was 7 years old.

It was fun.

I could be somebody else.

But I wanna hear you talk about vampires.

What can you tell me about them?

They exist.

Are you one of them?

Sometimes the scariest monster of all...

...is the one in the mirror.

Tell me about blood.

When you drink blood...

...do you ever feel sexually aroused?

It just strikes me that this business of vampirism...

...has a very strong element of sexual confusion.

Nuzzling into someone's neck.

A nocturnal visit...

...with promises of delicious physical intimacy.

The very sweet taste of saliva...

...mixed with skin.

Oh. Sounds good to me.

But where's it come from?

That's what I wanna know.

And I'm starting to wonder what your relationship with your mother was like.

Were the two of you very close?

[GASPS]

He's psychotic.

- No shit. - For his safety and for the public's...

...I'm recommending he be transferred to County Psychiatric...

RAY: Fuck that! That man is my prisoner.

He's wanted in connection with a laundry list of crimes.

Hold on, gentlemen. We're in my jurisdiction now.

Got a problem with that, you talk to the local magistrate.

That man is my prisoner! Don't fuck with my thing!

There's a team from the hospital effecting the transfer immediately.

You're supposed to be working with us, chief.

Not this time.

This is just a little something to keep you compliant.

The usual dose for this sort of thing is 200, 300 milligrams...

...but I think with a big, strapping hybrid like yourself...

...I'll kick it up to a couple thousand.

You don't have a problem with needles, do you?

There.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Ooh. You're weak.

[IN DISTORTED VOICE] In need of your serum.

That must be a bad feeling.

I mean, who would've imagined...

...that a mere human like me could have overpowered you.

[IN DISTORTED VOICE] You're one of them.

A familiar.

VANCE: Going on five years now.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] It's the endgame, Blade.

[IN DISTORTED VOICE] All their plans are coming to fruition.

Why don't you just sit back and enjoy the show?

I hate familiars.

[WHISTLER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN VOICEOVER]

WHISTLER: It's why we're still alive, goddamn it.

You're like a son to me.

I'm sorry I got old on you.

I see you alone, surrounded by enemies.

It breaks my heart.

Hi, Blade.

So glad to finally meet you.

I am such a fan.

I like your tattoos.

Do they mean anything?

[SCOFFS]

Stupid.

Are you okay?

Are you tired?

[IN DISTORTED VOICE] You're weak.

[SNARLS]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] We moved the humans around.

Like pawns.

We used them...

...to flush you out.

You're not so big.

You're all alone, Blade.

No one's gonna help you now.

[VAMPIRE SCREAMS]

[SNARLS]

- Evening, ladies. - Hannibal King!

KING: Wake up. This is your rescue.

[GRUNTING]

[BLADE ROARS]

[SNARLING]

[GRUNTS]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Go!

[ALARM RINGING]

[AGENTS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[GRUNTING]

AGENT: Freeze!

[GRUNTING]

Whistler!

This way!

GRIMWOOD: Blade! You're dead!

BLADE: Get down!

Blade.

Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going? Where the fuck is he going?

This is supposed to be a rescue!

[GRUNTS]

GRIMWOOD: Get back, get back!

- We're pinned down. - I can't shoot around corners.

I can.

[VAMPIRE SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[SIRENS WAILING]

Okay. We're fucked.

We're fine.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[CAR ALARMS WAILING]

Forgot my sword.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[OVER SPEAKERS] We are soldiers, after all

Down by honor we won't fall After all

Whoo!

Come on!

Comin' out the back end

Dead at you He throwin' that hot lead at you

Swang affiliate, XO sip, a gold getter

With the rest together I'm a cold killer

It's "Me Against the World" like 2Pac

And like biggie I'm "Ready to Die" for what you got

Abby.

[GRIMWOOD YELLING]

[GRUNTS]

We got him.

We'll be there soon.

Who the hell are you people?

Well, my name is Hannibal King.

And this little hellion right here is Abigail.

Whistler's daughter.

I thought the vampires killed Whistler's family.

They did. I was born later out of wedlock.

When I came of age, I tracked my dad down, and I told him I wanted in.

Been doing it ever since.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Welcome to the honeycomb hideout.

How do you bankroll this operation?

I date a lot of older men.

Come on, man, I'm joking.

You met Dex.

This is Hedges.

Sommerfield. She's the one who built that new serum inhaler of yours.

That runt you saw earlier, that was Sommerfield's daughter. Zoe.

We call ourselves the Nightstalkers.

Hm. Sounds like rejects from a Saturday morning cartoon.

We were gonna go with the Care Bears, but that was taken.

- How many of you are there? - There's enough.

We operate in sleeper cells.

When one goes down, another cell activates to pick up the slack.

Consider us your reinforcements.

What, you amateurs are supposed to be helping me?

Heh. You?

Look at you.

You're kids.

You're not ready to roll with this.

I mean, look at the way you're dressed.

What, that's supposed to be tactical?

What is this? What is that? "Fuck you." It's a joke, huh?

What the fuck is wrong with y'all? Y'all think this is a joke?

- You think this is a fucking sitcom? - Okay, first off, that's just rude.

Second, I'm pretty sure we saved your ass back there.

[GRUNTING]

Mm. I'm impressed.

Look, Blade, my father meant for us to help you.

Like it or not, we are all you got.

What the hell makes you think you know about hunting vampires?

Well, here's for starters.

I used to be one.

Do I pass the audition?

[SCOFFS]

Rookies.

DANICA: Fucking Hannibal King!

I should've ripped his bleeding heart out when I had the chance!

[GRIMWOOD GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

We had Blade.

We had him!

[WOMAN GRUNTS]

And don't tell me "I told you so," Asher.

What's wrong, half-pint? You need a timeout?

Blow me.

[CHUCKLES]

We got caught with our pants down.

Pants down?

They pretty much fucking ass-raped us.

Oh, you loved it.

Has he been told?

DRAKE: About your failure?

Yes.

Maybe it's time I joined the game.

You know the kind of woman that just screams trouble?

You see her, and every warning bell in your brain starts going off...

...but you still manage to ask for her number.

Well, that's all I ever hook up with.

But this betty...

...whoa, she blew them all away in the shitstorm sweepstakes.

Her name is Danica Talos.

You met her earlier.

And unlike typical vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina.

Moving on.

The man on her left is her brother, Asher.

And this walking diaper stain is Jarko Grimwood.

I picked Danica up in a bar...

...and spent the next five years playing hide-and-go-suck...

...as her little vampire cabana boy.

Eventually, Abigail found me.

Sommerfield managed to treat me with a cure, and now I kill them.

And that's basically turning a frown upside down.

We need to pool our resources, Blade.

"We"?

Yeah, we.

He's come back.

KING: Take a look at this.

[BLADE LAUGHS]

You gotta be kidding me.

- Where'd you guys get this stuff? KING: I stole most of it.

Danica had a huge collection. He had stone work...

...iron work, weaponry, art.

This stuff that shows up everywhere, this symbol, this glyph.

It's on everything in here. He is real.

You dig beneath all the myths, all the layers of bullshit...

...that have cluttered our culture for the last 500 years...

...and eventually, you're gonna strike the truth.

So the movies are true.

The movies are just a comforting fairytale compared to the real deal.

Bram Stoker, he wrote a good yarn.

But the events he described back in 1897... God, that was just a tiny piece of the mosaic.

The real Dracula, his origins, date back much, much earlier than that.

- How early? - Try 6 or 7 thousand years.

This is a piece of his armor.

With it, we were able to extrapolate a basic idea of what this fucker looked like.

Check this out.

Dracula's only one of the names he's gone by.

The Babylonians worshipped him as Dagon, and now they call him Drake.

If you believe in the legends, he was born in ancient Sumeria.

Nobody really knows the specifics of his origin, but we do know this:

He was the first of his kind.

The patriarch of Hominus nocturna.

[DRAKE LAUGHING]

He was born perfect.

And just like the great white shark, this guy has never had to evolve.

Forget the movies, forget the books.

There's no happy ending with this guy.

He's been there, moving behind the scenes...

...cutting a bloody fucking path through the ages, until suddenly...

...just like that...

...he up and disappeared.

And then we heard a rumor.

The vampires were searching for him.

Some say he'd been sleeping through the ages...

...that he'd retreated from a world he'd become disgusted with.

And according to our information, they found him in Iraq about six months ago.

And he was pissed.

In the window...

You sell vampire merchandise?

[MAN SCOFFS]

Uh, yeah. Look around.

We might have a few things.

We've got Dracula lunchboxes.

Did you see those?

There's bobbleheads, key chains.

This is funny.

TOY: The garlic gets me every time.

We've got just about anything.

Even vampire vibrators.

Here, check this out.

"Dracola." Makes you wanna cry, doesn't it?

Was there something special you needed?

Hey, guy.

She's talking to you.

What?

You wanna kiss me, pretty boy?

[MAN SCREAMS]

No!

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[ROARS]

BLADE: Why wake up Drake now? - That's what we've been trying to figure out.

When I was under the fang...

...there used to be talk about some kind of vampire final solution.

Never figured out why they'd wanna destroy their food source.

That makes no sense, right?

They've always had plans for the human race.

It seems likely that whatever they're cooking up...

...Drake's return is part of it. Let's face it...

...we are fighting a losing battle here.

So we kill a few hundred of them a year. Big deal.

There are thousands of them out there, maybe tens of thousands.

We need a new tactic.

Like what?

A biological weapon.

For you sighted people...

...here's a little show-and-tell.

For the last year, I've been working with synthesized DNA...

...in order to create an artificial virus targeted specifically at vampires.

We're calling it DayStar.

KING: Think about it, Blade.

We could wipe them all out in one single move.

So, what's been holding you back?

The lethality in vampires is still spotty.

The bottom line is, we need a better strand of DNA to work with.

We need Dracula's blood.

Because Dracula is the progenitor of the vampire race...

...his DNA is still pure.

It hasn't been diluted by a hundred generations of selective mutation.

We get his blood, we can boost DayStar's viral efficacy to 100 percent.

All the vampires go bye-bye.

So can we just go right ahead and sign you up...

...for one of our secret Nightstalker decoder rings?

Oh. Uh...

Holy shit. Um... Gentlemen and hottie...

...we have a wide assortment of ass-kickery...

...for your viewing pleasure today.

Electronic pistol. Comes in a variety of tasty calibers.

Explosive rounds.

Yeah, but with a concentrated burst of UV light...

...instead of your standard hollow points.

I call them sundogs.

Hedges. Super Size me, sweetheart.

This little peashooter, it's a modified version...

...of the Army's Objective Individual Combat Weapon.

Pick your poison: sundogs, stakes...

...heat-seeking mini rockets.

Basically, whatever gets you hard, this puppy will pump them out.

Course, it doesn't have the range of a sword, but...

HEDGES: Oh, God. Over here, we...

We call this the UV Arc.

Whoa. Sorry. The two points are connected by a powerful UV laser...

- Hedges, I'll take it from here. - Yes.

This bad boy is half as hot as the sun.

It can cut through vampires like a knife through butter.

We're still trying to sort out fact from fiction when it comes to Dracula.

Turning into mist? Kind of doubt it.

General shape-shifting? Maybe.

Not into a bat or a wolf or anything like that...

...but another human, with practice, could be possible.

Because he wouldn't have a traditional skeletal structure.

Something more like a snake's, with thousands of tiny bones...

I have a... I have a question about that, Hedges.

Have you ever been laid?

Many times.

With ladies.

BLADE: Time for a little refresher.

Weakest link in the vampire chain of command...

...has always been their familiars.

Since the vampires can't go out in the daylight...

...they get the humans to do all their dirty work.

We bleed the wannabes...

...sooner or later, they'll take us right to the real.

I got you some new wheels.

You take care of it, now.

KING: She's making playlists.

She likes to listen to MP3s when she hunts.

It's like her own internal soundtrack, you know?

Dark-core, trip hop, whatever kids are listening to these days.

Me, I'm more of a David Hasselhoff fan, you know?

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

[WHIMPERING]

Eventually, you know, your head is gonna pop off.

Fuck! No, no! Please! Please!

Who's your handler?

I don't know my fucking handler. I swear. I swear!

Oh, shit! Please! Please! Aah!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, it's you.

I'll take that.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

VANCE: Hello?

Hello?

Hello, this is Dr. Vance. You paged me.

Heh.

It's for you. Yeah, go ahead.

HOOP: Hello?

Aah!

[BODY THUDS]

You know, at some point, you, uh...

You might wanna consider sitting down with somebody.

You know? Have a little share time.

Kick back. Get in touch with your inner child. That sort of thing.

Also, just a thought, but you might wanna consider blinking once in a while.

I'm sorry, I, uh... I ate a lot of sugar today.

GUARD: Hey.

You just can't walk in here like that. Unh!

Excuse me, sir.

[METAL DETECTOR BEEPING]

[MAN YELLS]

[METAL DETECTOR BEEPING]

Don't do that.

[GRUNTING]

- Where's Vance? - I'm sorry, you can't see Dr. Vance now.

[GRUNTING]

Sit.

Can I, uh...? Can I help you?

Remember me? Time for payback.

All right, Vance, what the hell do you know?

Oh, Jesus. It's him.

Abby, it's Drake!

[YELLS]

So you're the hunter they all fear.

- I had a feeling about you. - Just shoot him!

Go ahead, Blade.

Show me what you're made of.

[GRUNTS]

[GUNSHOT]

[CAR ALARM WAILING]

[HORN HONKING]

[WOMAN GRUNTING]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[MAN GRUNTS]

[DOG BARKING]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

He got my baby! Aah!

No! My baby!

[SOBBING]

[BABY CRYING]

Ah. Careful, Daywalker.

I've been told about you...

...your weakness for humans.

Why'd you kill Vance?

He'd outlived his purpose.

He died a good death.

Quick, clean.

I wouldn't know anything about that.

You will.

How are you able to survive in sunlight?

Haven't you read Stoker's fable?

I was the first of the vampires.

I am unique.

- So that's why they brought you back. - Of course.

They believe through me they could become Daywalkers.

Look at them down there.

Scurrying around like insects.

They don't know anything about honor or living by the sword...

...not like you and I do.

Do you think they could ever grasp what it means to be immortal?

You're not immortal.

I must have heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim.

Each one of them have tasted the end of my sword.

Perhaps I will too, then...

...but I think it is more likely, the next time we meet...

...you fall before mine.

Catch!

[GROWLS]

[BABY BABBLES]

Cootchie-coo.

Did you see that guy? We're gonna lose, man. We're gonna...

Oh! God!

We're gonna fucking lose!

ABIGAIL: Okay. KING: Ugh.

What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?

- Shut up, King. - See you in 28 days. Ha, ha!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. What...? What is that? What are you doing?

It's an elastic protein, okay? It's gonna stop the hemorrhaging.

Okay. Is it gonna hurt?

Yeah, it's gonna sting a little.

Really? Unh.

[KING GRUNTS]

Fuck me! Ow!

WHISTLER: I had a family once.

Wife, two daughters.

Then a drifter came calling one evening.

A vampire.

He toyed with them first.

Tried to make me decide which order they'd die in.

I've been doing this a long time.

Since before you were born.

I don't want this life for you, Abby.

[SPEAKING IN ESPERANTO ON TV]

[GROANS]

Hey, Blade.

I got a question for you.

Say we're successful. Say we wipe out all the vampires.

What then, huh?

You ever ask yourself that?

I mean, somehow, I don't picture you teaching karate at the local Y.

[SPEAKING IN ESPERANTO]

He hates me, doesn't he?

Yeah.

DRAKE: Why do you wear that symbol?

Old habits.

I was a good Catholic school girl.

- Once. - I was there when they crucified him.

He died for their sins.

Not mine.

And what are your sins?

Would you care to confess them?

Take it off.

Why?

I will make you a better one.

There's an old saying:

"Kill one man, you're a murderer.

Kill a million, a king.

Kill them all...

...a God."

[INHALES]

[GROANS]

Why do you do that?

Because there's something bad inside of me.

This keeps it from getting out.

Why can't you just be nice?

Because the world isn't nice.

SOMMERFIELD: I found where the vampires are working.

Biomedica Enterprises.

They've been buying up all sorts of supplies.

Check it out.

Taq polymerase.

Bone-marrow growth supplement.

Genetic-sequencing enzymes.

- Hm. - You want a party favor?

Lucky seven. Silver hollow points.

Done.

You wanted to see me?

We've got trouble.

Doing a little moonlighting, chief?

Shit!

What are you doing here?

Talk.

Spill it!

You know what we're doing.

What's inside?

[GROWLS]

Now, what's behind door number one?

I can't tell you. They... They'll kill me.

Kill you? Motherfucker, I'll kill you.

I'll just enjoy it better.

You know the routine.

[DOOR OPENS]

Lights.

God in heaven.

What is this place?

It's a blood-farming facility.

Vampires decided that hunting humans on a piecemeal basis was...

...too inefficient.

Why kill your prey when you can keep them alive?

Under optimal conditions, a donor can generate...

...anywhere from 50 to 100 pints of blood.

Productive.

Where do you get all these people?

They got processing centers in every major city.

At any given time, there's what...

...2, 3 million homeless wandering around America?

They just pull them in off the streets.

Nobody cares about them.

We're doing this country a service, really.

Vampire final solution.

ABIGAIL: Are they aware?

Do they feel anything?

VREEDE: They're in a chemical-induced coma.

They're brain-dead.

BLADE: Look at this.

This the future you want?

Do you think that they have a place for you in their future?

VREEDE: We don't have a choice.

They're going to win. Can't you see that?

He's come back!

There's nothing stopping them now.

There's me.

Go.

You got 20 seconds.

Twenty.

Shutdown password, what is it?

Harvest.

Put it in.

[MACHINES BEEPING]

Let's go.

DEX: Where'd you go? See? I turned my back on you.

- You win. - One more, one more.

"Now, Nome King, having never tried to be good...

...was very bad indeed.

Having decided to conquer the land of Oz...

...and to destroy Emerald City..."

[OVER SPEAKERS] I get that paper and I'm chillin' on the low

All I need is more money, more

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY AND LAUGHING]

- This ain't no video game. - This ain't no video game.

DEX & HEDGES: Oh!

DEX: Come on, now.

Dude, you're dead.

Mom, the lights are weird.

What do you mean?

They're going on and off.

Guys?

Zoe, I want you to go, and I want you to hide, okay?

Like we talked about. Go on.

Zoe?

Get out of here, Zoe!

Hide! God dammit, Zoe!

[SNIFFING]

[GASPS]

[WHIMPERS]

[SNIFFING]

[SOMMERFIELD SCREAMS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

ABIGAIL: Something's not right.

King!

[MAN & WOMAN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ON TV]

[GASPS]

Zoe?

Zoe.

Zoe?

BLADE: Whistler.

[SOBBING]

[ABIGAIL SOBBING]

Use it.

[SCREAMS]

Back off, pooch.

Jesus Christ!

What the fuck?

- Good dog. - What the fuck?

[LAUGHING]

His name's Pac-Man.

We've been porting the vampire gene into other species. Experimenting.

You made a goddamn vampire Pomeranian?

Yeah.

[HISSES]

[GROWLS]

Precious, isn't he?

Well, that depends who you ask, because clearly...

...this dog has a bigger dick than you.

And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuck-face?

Ow!

I was talking to her!

Poor King.

You look so distraught.

- Unh! - Give me that chair.

You're tasting a little bland, lover.

Are you getting enough fatty acids in your diet?

Have you tried lake trout?

Mackerel?

How about you take a sugar-frosted fuck...

...off the end of my dick?

And how about everyone here not saying the word "dick" anymore?

It provokes my envy.

Tell us about Blade, King.

What's this weapon he's been planning?

I can tell you two things.

One...

...your hairdo is ridiculous.

Two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted.

Silent but deadly.

[GRUNTING]

Spit it out, you fucking fruitcake.

All right! Fuck! I'll tell you about the weapon.

It's a new flavor-crystal formula.

Twice the chocolatey goodness, half the calories.

Plus, it helps prevent tooth decay. There.

You're brave, King.

I'll give you that.

But underneath all that swagger...

...I know what you really fear.

What would hurt you more than anything else.

[GRUNTING]

You don't wanna go back to being one of us, do you?

I'm gonna bite you again, King.

And I'm gonna leave you here while you turn.

I'm going to watch you day after day...

...as the thirst keeps building and building.

And then...

...when you can't stand it anymore...

[BANGS]

...I'm gonna bring the little girl in here...

...for you to feed on.

Would you like that, King?

Would you enjoy taking her life?

Now we're getting somewhere, my pet.

[SIGHS]

Are you all right?

Yeah. I'll be fine.

Don't let it turn inward.

Ever since I can remember, I've had this...

I've had this knife...

...of sadness in my heart.

And as long as it's there, I'm strong and I'm untouchable.

But the moment that I take it out...

...I'll just die.

- He's one of ours. CAULDER: My name is Caulder.

I'll be your driver this evening.

Sommerfield left you a video message.

If you're watching this, I'm already dead.

If Zoe's alive, I want you to promise me that you'll take care of her, okay?

I've been reading her the Oz books every night.

We just started reading The Emerald City of Oz.

You know, the one with the Nome King.

I think I've managed to cultivate a workable strain of the DayStar virus.

As a precaution, I transmitted the genetic sequence to Caulder...

...in case our main stock was destroyed.

In order for it to achieve maximum lethality...

...you're gonna need to interfuse it with Drake's blood.

Now, if it works, every vampire in the immediate vicinity...

...should die almost instantly.

There's one other thing.

Blade, you need to know...

...there's a chance the virus could destroy you too.

Because you're a hybrid...

...I'm not sure if your immune system will be able to tolerate it.

I'm sorry. We just didn't have enough time to properly test it.

CAULDER: So shall we take a look at the plague arrow?

I only had time to fabricate a small amount of DayStar.

However, I was able to outfit it...

...in a compressed-gas projectile...

...that can be shot from one of the four-barrel rifles or a bow.

Either way, you must be sure that the shot counts.

You will simply not have enough for a second shot.

DRAKE: Do you know who I am?

You're the Nome King.

Huh.

The Nome King.

How sweet.

Tell me, child, do you want to die?

I'm not afraid.

I'll go to heaven.

There is no heaven.

No God, no angels.

The only thing in your future is nothingness.

But what if you could change that?

What if you could remain a child forever?

Wouldn't you like that?

Wouldn't you accept that gift?

My friends are coming to kill you.

[SWORD WHOOSHES]

[GRUNTING]

Gonna be sorry you did that.

Why?

Nobody's coming for you, King Shit.

Sure they are.

God.

See, one of the things you fuckheads need to know about us Nightstalkers...

...is that when you join our club, you get all sorts of groovy little door prizes.

And one of them is this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body.

[LAUGHING]

- Bullshit. - Yeah.

See, when one of us goes missing...

...the others, they just dial up the satellite...

...which is in space.

And then, presto...

...instant cavalry.

You like that, huh?

[LAUGHING]

Go fuck your sister.

Okay, King.

Where is this tracking node of yours?

It's in my left ass cheek.

Fine.

It's in my right ass cheek.

Okay, I'm... Okay, seriously, now.

It's in the meat of my butt, just below the Hello Kitty tattoo.

Seriously, just pull down my tighty-whities and see for yourself.

Enough! It's not funny anymore!

No, it's not, you horse-humping bitch!

But it will be a few seconds from now.

That tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now...

- Unh. - ...that's atomized colloidal silver.

It's being pumped through the air-conditioning system...

...you cock-juggling thundercunt!

[COUGHING]

Which means the fat lady should be singing...

...right about now.

Heh. This is awkward.

Do you have a cell phone?

[SNARLS]

[GRUNTING]

Um...

Little help here.

[GRUNTING]

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

- Where's Zoe? - Drake's got her.

Okay.

Thank you.

Brought your toys.

Try to keep up.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

[YELLING]

- Abby! - Hey.

You okay?

Okay. Let's get you out of here.

Watch out!

[GRUNTING]

[VAMPIRE SCREAMS]

Fuck me.

Fuck me sideways.

Oh, yeah.

He's a cute little guy, aren't you?

Good little puppies.

Yeah, you're gonna stay.

You stay.

Oh. There's a pretty smile. Yeah.

I'm going to, uh...

[GROWLING]

[DOGS WHIMPERING]

[BODIES THUD AND WOMAN SCREAMS]

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

Hey, dickface, you seen my dog?

Have you tried the lobby?

[GROWLS]

Thank you.

Fuck...

- Come on, King. - ...this.

[HISSES]

Blade.

Ready to die?

I was born ready, motherfucker.

"Motherfucker."

I like that.

[YELLS]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[YELLS]

Broke my arm.

[SOBBING]

[LAUGHING]

[BONES CRACK]

[SIGHS]

[SCREAMS]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

[GRIMWOOD SCREAMS]

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMS THEN GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLS]

[ROARING]

Are you ready to die, motherfucker?

[ROARING]

[SHRIEKS]

[ROARS]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Give it up.

Come on. Give it up, King.

Give it up. Give it up.

Give it up.

[WHEEZING]

[VAMPIRES GRUNTING]

[KING COUGHING]

[GRUNTING]

KING: Hang in there, kitten.

I'll get help.

[COUGHS]

Funny, isn't it?

All this time, my people were trying to create a new kind of vampire...

...when one already existed.

I don't need to survive.

The future of our race rests with you.

You fought with honor.

I respect that.

Allow me a parting gift.

But remember this:

Sooner or later...

...the thirst always wins.

[GROANING]

And Blade?

The virus didn't kill him.

Because he was a hybrid, his heart never stopped beating.

It simply slowed down.

And so he slept, waiting for the moment he could walk the earth again.

GoRichard

[English - US - SDH]

GoRichard