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1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:04,936
[ RAIN FALLING ]
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:06,739
Malory: [ SNORING ]
3
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,775
AND THAT'S YOUR MESSAGE?
4
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,677
MY GOD, WHO...
[ THUD, GLASS BREAKING ]
5
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,711
WHO'S THERE?!
[ GUN COCKS ]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
6
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,747
BECAUSE ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET IS
HOLES!
7
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,015
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
8
00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:18,716
I-I MEAN HOLES IN YOU, NOT MY...
9
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:19,584
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
10
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,887
[ GASPS ] STERLING?
11
00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:23,188
Archer: HELLO, MOTHER.
12
00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:25,624
Malory: WHERE THE HELL HAVE
YOU BEEN?!
13
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:27,058
Archer: I DON'T KNOW.
14
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,827
Malory: WH-- AND WHY DO YOU
HAVE A CLEAVER?!
15
00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:30,462
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
16
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,232
[ STAPLER CLICKING ]
17
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,568
Cyril: "ALL INTEROFFICE
FRATERNIZATION OF AN INTIMATE
18
00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:39,404
NATURE IS HEREBY PROHIBITED, TO
INCLUDE, BUT NOT LIMITED TO,
19
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,307
TRYSTS, ASSIGNATIONS --" WHAT'S
THIS EVEN MEAN?
20
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:44,543
Pam: IT MEANS NO MORE BANGING
CO-WORKERS.
21
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,211
Cyril: OH, SO IT DOESN'T
AFFECT YOU...
22
00:00:46,246 --> 00:00:47,779
Pam: [ LAUGHS ]
Cyril: [ CHUCKLES ]
23
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:48,814
Pam: OH, WAIT. GUESS WHAT.
24
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,949
Cyril: OW!
HEY, THIS ISN'T MY FAULT!
25
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,617
Archer: IT'S EXACTLY YOUR
FAULT, IDIOT.
26
00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:54,452
WHEN MOTHER FOUND OUT YOU
CHEATED ON LANA --
27
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,987
Cyril: HEY, YOU CHEATED ON
LANA PLENTY!
28
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,856
Archer: YEAH, BUT WITH
STARLETS, MODELS.
29
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,058
OH, AND ONE TIME, TWO ACTUAL
PRINCESSES.
30
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:01,826
Pam: TWO AT THE SAME TIME?
Archer: YEAH, THEY WERE
SISTERS.
31
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:03,195
Pam: SPLOOSH.
32
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,465
Archer: CYRIL, YOU THREW LANA
AWAY ON CHICKS LIKE -- LIKE
CAROL.
33
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,734
IT'S CHERYL.
Archer: EXACTLY.
BACK ME UP HERE.
34
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,435
Cyril: YOU SLEPT WITH HER,
TOO!
35
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:11,836
Archer: WHEN I WAS BORED.
36
00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:14,606
LIKE, STUCK AT HOME, WAITING FOR
THE CABLE GUY, OR -- OH, HEY,
37
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:17,442
WHAT YOU DOING THURSDAY BETWEEN
9:00 AND NOON?
[ SCOFFS ]
38
00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:18,577
Archer: 1:00 AND 4:00?
39
00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:20,512
I'LL BE DOING ONE OF YOUR
CO-WORKERS.
40
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,514
Pam: WELL, DO IT BEFORE
QUITTING TIME FRIDAY!
41
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:24,549
Cyril: WHY WOULD MS. ARCHER
GIVE US UNTIL FRIDAY?
42
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,619
Pam: I DID THAT, BECAUSE
SOMEBODY IN THIS BUILDING IS
GONNA HAVE SEX WITH ME.
43
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:28,853
Archer: YEAH?
44
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:31,456
YOU THINK BETWEEN NOW AND
FRIDAY, YOU CAN SCORE SOME
ROOFIES?
45
00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:32,857
Cyril: [ LAUGHS ]
[ STAPLER CLICKS ]
46
00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:35,594
Archer: UH, PAM, I WILL END
YOU.
47
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:36,461
[ STAPLER CLICKS ]
48
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:37,496
Cyril: OW!
49
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:38,397
[ CLATTER ]
50
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,666
Malory: WHERE THE HELL IS MY
STAPLE GUN?!
51
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,267
Archer: I THINK I SAW CYRIL
WITH IT.
52
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:43,568
Malory: HE WENT THROUGH MY
DESK?!
53
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,403
Archer: I GUESS.
I MEAN, HE SAID HE DID.
54
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,205
Malory: OH, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M SURPRISED.
55
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:50,008
I MEAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM,
CHEATING ON LANA?
56
00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:52,010
Archer: BAFFLING.
Malory: SAID THE KETTLE!
57
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:54,612
WHICH IS WHY I STARTED THAT NEW
POLICY.
Archer: YEAH?
58
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:58,483
Malory: YOU IDIOTS RUN AROUND
HERE LIKE IT'S SPRING BREAK ON
SOUTH PADRE.
59
00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:00,285
JUST SEX, SEX, SEX...
60
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:03,455
Jakov: SEXY, SEXY, EH?
Malory: NIKOLAI?!
61
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:05,957
Jakov: IS FROM
FREDERICK'S OF LATVIA.
Archer: MOTHER!
62
00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:08,326
Jakov: OH, HELLO, SON.
Archer: WHAT?!
Malory: NIKOLAI...
63
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:09,628
Archer: WHY DID HE JUST
CALL ME SON?!
64
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,029
Malory: NIKOLAI.
Archer: WHAT IS THIS?!
65
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:14,566
Malory: YOU MEAN BESIDES
INCREDIBLY AWKWARD?
66
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,899
Archer: WHAT?
67
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:51,536
Malory: NO, I THINK
"INCREDIBLY AWKWARD" JUST ABOUT
SUMS IT UP.
68
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:52,804
Archer: W-- MOTHER!
69
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,874
Malory: NIKOLAI, COULD I CALL
YOU BACK?
Jakov: DA.
70
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,476
I WILL BE HERE MAYBE ONE HOUR.
Archer: MOTHER!
71
00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:00,111
Jakov: THEN I TRY TO HIT GYM.
72
00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:01,146
Malory: THE GYM.
73
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,047
THAT'LL BE THE DAY.
74
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,014
Archer: ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR MIND?!
75
00:03:03,049 --> 00:03:04,549
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
76
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:08,086
Malory: I MUST BE, BECAUSE IT
LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST DESTROYED MY
STEUBEN BAR SET!
77
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,688
Archer: WELL, YOU JUST
DESTROYED MY INNOCENCE!
78
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:11,956
Malory: OH, PLEASE.
79
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,792
THAT BRAZILIAN AU PAIR DID THAT
WHEN YOU WERE 13!
80
00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,493
Archer: 12!
81
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:20,031
AND WHY DOES NIKOLAI JAKOV, THE
HEAD OF THE KGB, HAVE A DIRECT
LINE TO YOUR OFFICE?!
82
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:23,735
Malory: WELL, YOU KNOW, FROM
TIME TO TIME -- NO, JUST LEAVE
THAT.
83
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,403
YOU'LL CUT YOURS-- STERLING!
84
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:26,637
Archer: AND A FOLLOW-UP
QUESTION!
85
00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:28,973
WHY DID HE JUST [SPITS]
CALL ME SON?!
86
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,242
Malory: THAT'S...OFTEN A
FIGURE OF SPEECH.
87
00:03:31,278 --> 00:03:32,443
Archer: YEAH?! HOW OFTEN?!
88
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:33,378
Malory: VERY OFTEN.
89
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:35,113
JUST NOT IN THIS CASE.
90
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:37,249
Archer: I KNOW WHAT --
[ SIGHS ]
91
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,250
WHAT?
92
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:39,651
[ THUD ]
93
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,752
Malory: [ SIGHS ]
TERRIFIC.
94
00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:44,856
TWO STEUBEN GLASSES LEFT, AND
YOU BREAK ONE.
95
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,993
I'M SORRY, KRIEGER, BUT IT'S
OVER, SO HERE'S ALL YOUR
96
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,128
CREEDENCE CLEARWATER ALBUMS
BACK.
97
00:03:50,164 --> 00:03:52,230
Krieger: AND NOW A SAD MOON
IS ON THE RISE.
98
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:53,265
I KNOW. DEVASTATING.
99
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:55,033
BUT IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S YOUR
WEAK, WOMANY HANDS.
100
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,534
Krieger: THEY'RE NOT --
101
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:59,670
IT'S LIKE BEING CHOKED BY A
CHILD, WHICH I THOUGHT WOULD BE
HOT, BUT --
102
00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:01,539
Krieger: WAIT. NO.
I'LL TAKE STEROIDS.
103
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:02,540
I CAN'T WAIT.
104
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,442
I NEED A MAN NOW WITH MONSTER
HANDS.
105
00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:05,610
Krieger: OH, LIKE LAN-- AH!
106
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:07,145
HEY, YOU!
107
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:11,382
Lana: YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE
MONSTER-HANDS THING -- STARTING
TO BORDER ON MEAN.
108
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:15,187
OH, YOU GONNA RUN CRY TO
MS. ARCHER, LIKE WHEN CYRIL
CHEATED ON YOU?
109
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:16,988
AH! OOH!
Cyril: HELLO.
OOH-LA-LA!
110
00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:20,892
Lana: WELL, AT LEAST MY
EX-BOYFRIEND ISN'T A NOOSE I
MADE OUT OF EXTENSION CORD.
111
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:21,860
GUESS WHAT.
112
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,695
SHE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE CYRIL
CHEATED WITH.
113
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:24,663
Lana: [ GASPS ]
114
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,832
AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO
MEAN?
115
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,600
FIGURE IT OUT, TRUCKASAURUS.
116
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,702
Krieger: OH, THAT GIVES ME AN
IDEA.
117
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:32,904
Archer: BUT I ALREADY HAVE
A FATHER!
[ SPITS ]
118
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,706
HIS NAME WAS
JOHN FITZGERALD ARCHER, AND HE
119
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:37,709
WAS A FIGHTER ACE AND HE WON THE
NAVY CROSS AND HIS MEN CALLED
HIM --
120
00:04:37,744 --> 00:04:39,411
Malory: "BLACK JACK" ARCHER.
121
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:40,545
I KNOW, DEAR, I KNOW.
122
00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:41,846
BECAUSE I MADE IT ALL UP.
123
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,282
Archer: BUT THE MILITARY
FUNERAL!
READY!
124
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,951
[ BUGLE PLAYS TAPS ]
[ RIFLE COCKS ]
Malory: OH, MY GOD.
125
00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:50,222
IF WE MISS THAT TRAIN, I WILL GO
BLIND.
126
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:51,122
FIRE!
127
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:51,857
[ GUNSHOT ]
128
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:54,425
Archer: BUT THE 21-GUN
SALUTE!
129
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:57,996
Malory: I DONATED 600 BUCKS
TO A JUNIOR ROTC TEAM UP IN
YONKERS.
130
00:04:58,032 --> 00:04:59,731
Archer: WHAT?
131
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:03,668
Malory: WHICH THEY USED TO GO
TO A COMPETITION IN ALBANY,
WHERE THEY WON THIRD PLACE!
132
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,904
Archer: WHAT?
Malory: SO A LOT OF GOOD CAME
OUT OF THAT.
133
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,572
Archer: OH, SO, ALL'S WELL
THAT ENDS WELL?!
134
00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:08,807
Malory: WHAT WAS I TO DO?
135
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,775
TELL A 3-YEAR-OLD HIS FATHER
MIGHT BE IN THE KGB?!
136
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:12,710
Archer: WHAT?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MIGHT BE?!
137
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:19,417
Malory: SO, THERE MAY OR MAY
NOT BE A FEW OTHER POSSIBLES IN
THE MIX.
138
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:20,385
Archer: WHAT?
139
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,987
Lana: SERIOUSLY?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH CAROL?!
140
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,422
CHERYL!
Lana: EXACTLY.
141
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:25,924
Cyril: AND I CAN EXPLAIN
THAT.
142
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,826
Malory: WELL, IF YOU'D LET
ME!
143
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:31,195
Archer: YEAH, TELL ME HOW MY
FATHER MIGHT BE NIKOLAI JAKOV,
144
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:34,599
HEAD OF THE KGB, OR LEN TREXLER,
HEAD OF ODIN!
145
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:38,336
Malory: WELL --
Archer: I ASSUME THOSE ARE MY
ONLY CHOICES!
146
00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:40,738
Malory: [ CLEARS THROAT ]
Archer: OH, MY -- WHO ELSE?!
147
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:43,007
Malory: GENE KRUPA.
Archer: WHAT?! THE DRUMMER?!
148
00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:47,012
Malory: NO, WAIT, NOT KRUPA.
THE OTHER ONE, WITH THE TEETH.
149
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,313
BUDDY RICH.
150
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,549
Archer: OH, MY --
Malory: I COULD NEVER SAY NO
TO A DRUMMER.
151
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:51,749
Archer: COULD YOU SAY NO
TO ANYBODY?!
152
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,285
[ SMACK! ]
153
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,420
Malory: I SAID NO TO PLENTY.
154
00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,288
Brett: NO. NO.
Pam: YES. HAVE SEX WITH ME.
155
00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,191
Brett: NO.
Pam: PLEASE?
Brett: NO.
156
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:00,992
Pam: OH, COME ON!
157
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,361
NOBODY WOULD EVER KNOW!
158
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,330
Brett: YEAH. I'D KNOW.
159
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,497
Malory: NO!
Jakov: DA!
160
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,332
Malory: NO!
Jakov: LET ME TALK TO HIM!
161
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,301
Malory: NO!
Jakov: KROSHKA.
162
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:10,868
Malory: NIKOLAI, HE'S NOT
EVEN HERE.
163
00:06:10,903 --> 00:06:12,637
HE STORMED OUT, THANKS TO YOU!
164
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:15,040
Jakov: BUT I COULD TALK SENSE
INTO HIM!
165
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,708
AFTER ALL, I AM HIS FATHER.
166
00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:18,443
Malory: OH. SO...
167
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:19,878
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
168
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,913
Jakov: LEN TREXLER OR
BUDDY RICH?!
169
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:25,716
GET ME THAT CRAZY GERMAN!
NOW!
170
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,819
OW! OW!
HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT.
171
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:30,588
Jakov: SHUT UP!
WE'RE GOING TO KIDNAP
AGENT STERLING ARCHER.
172
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,324
OH, YEAH, THEN WHAT?
173
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:33,257
YOU HURT HIS FEELINGS?
174
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:34,392
Jakov: NYET!
175
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:37,996
THEN WE PUT NEW MIND-CONTROL
MICROCHIP INTO HIS BRAIN.
176
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:43,801
WE USE ITS REMOTE-CONTROL
CAPABILITY TO BRING HIM HERE,
MAKE THE PAPA TEST.
177
00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:49,741
AND IF I AM ARCHER'S FATHER, I
TURN HIM AGAINST HIS OWN MOTHER
AS SOVIET AGENT.
178
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:53,845
MAKE HIM A, HOW YOU SAY, VOLE.
179
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,447
I THINK YOU MEAN "MOLE."
180
00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:56,948
Jakov: HUH?
MOLE.
181
00:06:56,984 --> 00:07:01,253
VOLE IS ALSO RODENT BUT MORE
CLOSER RELATED TO LEMMING.
182
00:07:02,789 --> 00:07:04,790
¶ DA, DA, DA ¶
183
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,559
AH, DA, DA, DA.
184
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,162
COME ON, BUDDY.
185
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:15,767
[ CHILDREN PLAYING ]
186
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:16,868
Manfred: [ SIGHS ]
187
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,436
Trinette: CAN'T YOU READ,
ASS DOUCHE?!
188
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,338
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
WITHOUT A KID!
189
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:23,207
Manfred: [ German accent ] AS
IT HAPPENS, I AM HERE WITH A
CHILD.
190
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:26,244
Uta: [ German accent ] MANI,
CAN WE HAVE MORE MONEY FOR THE
SWEETS?
191
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,079
Trinette: WHAT?!
THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL BABY!
192
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,348
Manfred: UND THAT IS?
Trinette: [ GASPS ]
193
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:33,451
Manfred: I THOUGHT YOU WERE
OFF TO THE FAIR MIT YOUR PRIZE
TURNIP!
194
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,021
[ CELL PHONE RINGING ]
Trinette: LISTEN, YOU
KRAUT PUKE!
195
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:37,288
Manfred: HALLO? OH, JA.
196
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:38,790
[ GUN COCKS ]
YOU SHOULD GO.
197
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:41,292
Trinette: OH, YOU'RE LUCKY
HIS FATHER'S NOT HERE.
198
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,760
HE KNOWS KRAV MAGA!
199
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:45,263
HE'LL KICK YOUR BALLS RIGHT
THROUGH YOUR HEAD, NAZI
SHIT-ASS!
200
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,098
Uta: [ GASPS ]
MANI, THESE PEOPLES!
201
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,701
Manfred: WELL, YOU WANTED HIM
TO GROW UP IN THE CITY.
202
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:53,471
OH, SCHEISSE! NEIN, MAJOR, NOT YOU!
JA, LISTENING.
203
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,573
Jakov: AND AFTER YOU TAKE
ARCHER TO THE...
204
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:56,007
¶ DA, DA, DA ¶
205
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:57,575
Jakov: [ GROWLS ]
206
00:07:57,610 --> 00:08:01,913
...KGB SAFE HOUSE ON GANSEVOORT,
YOU WILL IMPLANT THE MICROCHIP
INTO HIS BRAIN.
207
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,381
Manfred: GOT IT.
208
00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:05,116
JA, SERIOUSLY.
[ BEEP ]
209
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,118
OKAY, UTA, WE HAVE A JOB, SO --
210
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:11,489
W-WHERE IS THE DIAPER BAG?
211
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:13,257
Uta: I FORGOT WHERE I PUT IT.
212
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:15,159
Jakov: [ Sarcastically ] HUGE
SURPRISE.
213
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,328
OW! OW!
Jakov: IDIOT!
214
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:17,862
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
215
00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:21,766
Malory: AND JUST WHO THE
HAPPY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE, HANGING UP ON ME?!
216
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:26,537
Jakov: OH! YOU GONNA TELL
YOUR BOYFRIEND, LEN TREXLER, OR
MAYBE GENE KRUPA?!
217
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:27,539
Malory: IT WAS THE OTHER ONE!
218
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:28,740
MAYBE.
219
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:32,210
OR YOU, MAYBE, OR -- WHOEVER
IT WAS, HE WASN'T THERE TO RAISE
220
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,746
STERLING, SO I DON'T NEED HIM
BUTTING IN NOW!
221
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:36,347
Jakov: WE'LL SEE.
Malory: WHAT?
222
00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:38,817
Jakov: NOTHING.
Malory: NIKOLAI, WHAT ARE YOU
SCHEMING AT?!
223
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:39,684
Jakov: NOTHING.
224
00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:41,585
Malory: AGAIN HE HANGS UP
ON ME!
225
00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,354
[ GROWLS ]
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
226
00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:44,722
[ SIGHS ]
227
00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:48,560
AND THERE GOES THE LAST STEUBEN.
228
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:50,828
[ BALL SHATTERS ]
229
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:52,196
[ GASPS ] SPLOOSH!
230
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:54,098
Krieger: YEP.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN'
ABOUT!
231
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:55,166
Krieger: YEP, YEP, YEP.
232
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,635
WAIT...YOU THINK IT'S SAFE?
233
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:59,203
Krieger: [ INHALES SHARPLY ]
234
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,439
NO.
235
00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:06,310
Lana: OKAY, WE GOT THE FRENCH
CHICK AND CAROL AND ANYBODY
ELSE, RAMBONE?
236
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:07,011
Cyril: NO.
237
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,713
Jane: HI, CYRIL. [ CHUCKLES ]
238
00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:10,981
[ COUGHING ]
239
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:12,550
Cyril: WELL...
Lana: SCATTERBRAIN JANE?!
240
00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:13,918
Cyril: UM...
Lana: REALLY?!
241
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,721
Cyril: WELL, SEE, SHE HAD
JUST BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BREAST
CANCER.
242
00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:18,589
Lana: [ Laughing ] OH, RIGHT!
243
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:21,359
I FORGOT, YOUR DICK'S FULL OF
RADIATION AND...
244
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,760
MASTECTOMY COUPONS.
245
00:09:22,795 --> 00:09:26,164
Cyril: BOY, YOU ARE JUST SO
DETERMINED NOT TO BE COOL ABOUT
THIS.
246
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,233
Lana: YEP. ANYBODY ELSE?
247
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:29,433
Cyril: UM...
248
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,703
MS. ARCHER, YOU'RE TRYING TO
SEDUCE ME.
249
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:34,672
Malory: [ Laughing ] OH,
HO, HO!
Cyril: AREN'T YOU?
250
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,941
- NOPE!
- Lana: OKAY.
Cyril: NO. NO ONE.
251
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:38,109
Lana: OKAY, GET OUT.
252
00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:39,643
Cyril: OF...MY OWN OFFICE?
253
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,279
Lana: YEP.
Cyril: WHY?
254
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:45,750
Lana: OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO
BE HERE...WHEN I BANG EVERY LAST
DUDE IN THE BUILDING.
255
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:47,819
Cyril: WHAT?!
Lana: RIGHT HERE ON YOUR
BLOTTER.
256
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:48,919
Cyril: NO!
Lana: YEP.
257
00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,688
Cyril: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
Lana: REALLY?
258
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:52,423
IS IT OPPOSITE DAY ALREADY?
259
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:53,424
[ INTERCOM BUZZES ]
260
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,658
UH, ATTENTION?
261
00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:58,663
HI, THIS IS AGENT KANE, AND IF
YOU WANT TO HAVE BALL-SLAPPY SEX
262
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:02,233
WITH ME ON CYRIL'S DESK, PLEASE
LINE UP AND TAKE A NUMBER.
263
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,502
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
264
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:05,770
Pam: YOU HEARD THE LADY!
265
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,572
TAKE A NUMBER!
266
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:10,808
[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
Archer: [ Slurring ] 86'ed?!
267
00:10:10,843 --> 00:10:12,877
UNH-UNH! YOU DON'T 86 ME!
268
00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:17,449
'CAUSE MY DAD WON THE
NAVY CROSS!
269
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,251
USE THE DOOR!
270
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:23,387
Uta: HELP! PLEASE HELP ME!
MY BABY!
271
00:10:23,422 --> 00:10:24,722
HE'S SWALLOWED SOMETHING!
272
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:25,723
HE'S CHOKING!
273
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:26,925
Archer: [ BELCHES ]
274
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,726
UH, WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT A
BABY?
275
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,962
[ THUD, SPLASH ]
276
00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:33,732
Manfred: WHO WOULD WANT TO
RAISE A CHILD HERE?
277
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:38,135
Pam: WELL, THAT WAS A HUGE
WASTE OF TIME.
278
00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:39,837
Lana: I SAID, DON'T TAKE
YOUR CLOTHES OFF.
279
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:41,473
Pam: WELL...
Lana: BEGGED, EVEN.
280
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,007
Pam: WELL!
Lana: THIS IS GOOD TO GO.
281
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:45,977
Pam: SO WAS THIS.
Lana: SO, LET'S GET NUMBER 2
IN HERE.
282
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,512
Pam: YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS
GONNA WORK?
283
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,146
Lana: PAM, LOOK AT ME.
284
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,315
Pam: YEAH...SPLOOSH.
285
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:54,018
[ BEEP ]
NOW SERVING NUMBER 2!
286
00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:55,920
Brett:I'M 2!
287
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:58,756
THAT'S ME! MOVE, DUDE!
Cyril: ANIMALS!
288
00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:00,625
YOU'RE ALL JUST ANIMALS!
289
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,961
Gillette: LYING IN WAIT AT
THE WATERING HOLE, TAUT BUTTOCKS
ALL AQUIVER...
290
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,463
Cyril: WHAT THE...
291
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:08,533
Gillette: ...ACHING TO POUNCE
ON THE SUPPLE, BROWN FLESH OF
YOUR WOMAN.
292
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,901
Cyril: SHUT UP!
Gillette: THEY'RE GONNA
MESS HER UP.
293
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:12,470
Cyril: WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?
Gillette: HELLO...
294
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,971
Cyril: BUT YOU'RE GAY!
295
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,807
Gillette: GIRL, PLEASE.
NOBODY'S THAT GAY.
296
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:16,941
Brett: WAIT. WHAT?
297
00:11:16,976 --> 00:11:18,109
Lana: WHAT, WHAT?
298
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:20,444
WHAT PART OF "YOU PAY ME $600"
DO YOU NOT GET?
299
00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:22,980
Brett: THE...PART WHERE WE
DON'T HAVE SEX?
300
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:27,084
Lana: YOU GET TO SAY WE DID,
WHICH IS LIKE HALF THE REASON
MEN HAVE SEX!
301
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,586
Brett: BUT THAT'S A LOT OF
MONEY.
302
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:30,588
Lana: NOT COMPARED TO
ROTATOR-CUFF SURGERY.
303
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,257
Brett: WHAT?
304
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:36,460
Lana: WHICH YOU'RE GONNA NEED
AFTER THE JILLION HIGH-FIVES YOU
GIVE YOUR LITTLE BROS.
305
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:37,962
Brett: OKAY, I'M IN!
306
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:40,698
Lana: BUT THE FIRST GUY YOU
TELL IS CYRIL, AND YOU MAKE UP
THE SICKEST --
307
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,766
Brett: YEAH, SHUT UP.
DO YOU TAKE PLASTIC?
308
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:44,035
Pam: 5% DISCOUNT FOR CASH.
309
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,670
Lana: I THOUGHT IT WAS 10%.
310
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,007
Pam: OH, OH, OH!
I CAN'T WET MY BEAK?!
311
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:55,546
Archer: HEY, SERIOUSLY,
KIDNAPPERS, SUPER NOT IN THE
MOOD FOR THIS RIGHT NOW.
312
00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:57,148
[ DRILL WHIRRING ]
313
00:11:57,183 --> 00:11:59,517
OR THAT. WHAT IS THAT?
314
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:03,388
IS THAT A DRILL?
Manfred: OKAY.
Archer: I DON'T WANT THAT.
315
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,723
Manfred: OKAY, SO, I MAKE A
KLEIN HOLE IN THE SKULL MIT
THIS.
316
00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:09,193
Archer: YOU CAN SHUT THAT OFF.
Manfred: THEN, INTO THE HOLE,
I SMOOSH THIS.
317
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,929
Archer: WHAT IS THAT?
Manfred: UND THEN THEY CAN
CONTROL HIS BRAIN.
318
00:12:11,964 --> 00:12:15,967
BUT IS SOVIET TECHNOLOGY, SO
IT'S A "KREPPENSCHUTZE."
319
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,402
Uta: THIS IS AMAZING, NO?
320
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:20,437
Manfred: WHAT IS AMAZING IS
WE JUST RAN INTO HIM ON THE
STREET.
321
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,006
Archer: HEY.
Manfred: IT'S A HUGE CITY.
322
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,808
Archer: HEY, PROPOSITION!
323
00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:29,246
FIRST PERSON TO UNTIE ME, GUY OR
GAL, I WILL LET HIM OR HER GIVE
ME A HANDY.
324
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,415
Manfred: UGH.
Uta: [ GIGGLES ]
325
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,150
Archer: COME ON, LET'S SHARE
THE MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS!
326
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,018
Manfred: WHAT AN ARSCH HOLE!
Archer: COME ON.
327
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:36,453
Manfred: DON'T WORRY, YOUR
TIME IS COMING.
328
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,523
Archer: WAIT? MY TIME?
DO YOU MEAN ME?
329
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:42,260
AND BY "DON'T WORRY," DO YOU
MEAN THE CHICK'S GONNA BE DOING
THE HANDY?
330
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:45,029
AND EITHER WAY, CAN WE DO IT
WITHOUT THAT THING?
331
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,364
[ DRILL BUZZING ]
HEY, SERIOUSLY.
332
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,667
GIVE ME A HANJO.
333
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,273
[ ENGINE REVS ]
334
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,674
Archer: [ SIGHS ]
335
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:58,643
OH.
336
00:12:58,678 --> 00:12:59,844
[ MOANING ]
337
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:02,113
Jakov: IT DOESN'T WORK.
338
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:08,118
I DRILL HOLE IN HEAD OF MAN WHO
MAYBE IS MY SON, PUT CHIP IN HIS
339
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:13,624
BRAIN, AND NOW YOU TELL ME IT
DOESN'T WORK.
340
00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:16,127
YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME
BEFORE, YOU...
341
00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:20,665
SEE, IN TESTING WE HAVE HAD
TEENSY PROBLEM WITH SIGNAL FROM
SATELLITE.
342
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:25,903
WHEN IT IS IN SMALL WINDOW, JUST
OVER THE TARGET, IT CAN SIGNAL
THE CHIP.
343
00:13:25,938 --> 00:13:26,904
[ BEEPING ]
344
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,940
Archer: HA HA HA HA!
345
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:32,410
BUT WHEN IT EXITS THIS
WINDOW...
Archer: AW.
346
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:35,914
Jakov: THIS PROBLEM DOES NOT
SOUND TEENSY!
347
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:40,418
IT IS, COMPARED TO THE
PROBLEM WE HAD WITH INTERFERENCE
FROM CELL PHONES.
348
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:43,387
¶ MULATTO BUTTS,
MULATTO BUTTS ¶
349
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:44,755
Archer: AAH!
350
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:49,294
...WHICH, IN LAB, SENT OUR
SUBJECTS INTO FEROCIOUS,
HOMICIDAL RAGES.
351
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,196
SO, OBVIOUSLY,
WE NEED TO TWEAK IT.
352
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:55,099
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
Malory: DAMN THAT CRAZY,
JEALOUS RUSSIAN.
353
00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:58,302
BET HE'S HATCHING SOME
HALF-ASSED, VODKA-SOAKED SCHEME
TO --
354
00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:00,370
Archer: HELLO?
Malory: STERLING?
355
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:03,474
STERLING, LISTEN VERY --
Archer: HA! VOICEMAIL.
356
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,008
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
[ BEEP ]
357
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:06,210
Malory: WHAT?
WE'RE SORRY...
358
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,211
Malory: DAMN IT!
359
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:08,645
CAROL? CAROL!
360
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,948
AND JUST WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!
361
00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:13,717
[ Muffled ] KRIEGER! AAH!
362
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:14,852
[ MUTTERING LOUDLY ]
363
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:17,021
Krieger: OH! OH, GOD, SORRY!
364
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:18,189
[ GASPS ]
365
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:19,356
Krieger: SORRY.
366
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:20,424
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
367
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,259
Krieger: I THOUGHT YOU SAID,
"START SLACKING OFF."
368
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:24,195
NOT "SLACKING OFF"!
369
00:14:25,731 --> 00:14:29,800
Brett: DUDE, SWEAR TO GOD,
SHE GAVE ME A JANE HATHAWAY,
RIGHT ON MY CHEST!
370
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:32,036
Cyril: UGH!
Brett: MY MAN KNOWS WHAT I'M
TALKIN' ABOUT!
371
00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:34,839
Cyril: UGH!
Malory: DOESN'T ANYONE WORK
AROUND HERE?!
372
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:40,144
AND, CYRIL, I AM SO DISGUSTED
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT
TO VOMIT.
373
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,579
Brett: [ CHUCKLES ]
374
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:44,081
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID TO
LANA.
375
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:45,550
Cyril: AAH!
376
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:47,785
[ BEEP ]
Pam: 37?
377
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:48,986
37?
378
00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:51,689
Gillette: OOH! C'EST MOI.
379
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,992
[ SCOFFS ] MOVE.
Malory: UGH!
380
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:55,059
[ ZIPPER ZIPS ]
381
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:58,096
JUST GET IT DONE BY FRIDAY.
[ CELL PHONE RINGING ]
382
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,130
¶ MULATTO BUTTS ¶
Archer: AAH!
383
00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:01,899
AAH!
384
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:05,236
[ CELL PHONE RINGS ]
385
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:09,040
Archer: AAAAH!
¶ MULATTO BUTTS ¶
386
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,943
[ CELL PHONE RINGS ]
Malory: [ SIGHS ]
387
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:14,411
¶ WHITE-ASS BOTTOMS ¶
Archer: AAH!
388
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:15,245
AAH!
389
00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:16,247
[ CELL PHONE RINGS ]
390
00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:18,015
Malory: OH, COME ON,
STERLING, PICK UP, PICK --
391
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,317
Archer: OH!
Malory: STERLING?
392
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,619
Archer: HELLO?
Malory: STERLING, WHAT'S
WRONG?
393
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,421
ARE YOU --
Archer: HA!
ALTERNATE VOICEMAIL.
394
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:24,388
Malory: [ SIGHS ]
395
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,857
Archer: YOU KNOW WHAT TO
DO, STUPID.
[ BEEP ]
396
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:28,993
WE'RE SORRY--
Malory: I'M DONE.
397
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:29,861
HE'S DEAD TO ME.
398
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:31,229
[ BEEP ]
399
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,463
Archer: "MOTHER."
400
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:34,765
UBIL...MAT.
401
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:37,135
KILL...MOTHER.
402
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,175
Lana: OH, MY GOD, I'M
EXHAUSTED.
403
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:46,744
Gillette: WHEREAS I AM MERELY
CONFUSED.
Lana: [ SIGHS ]
404
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,346
Gillette: IF YOU TOLD EVERY
GUY THE SAME THING, THEN THEY
405
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:53,217
ALL KNOW THAT NONE OF THEM HAD
SEX WITH YOU, SO THEY'RE ALL
GONNA REALIZE THEY'RE ALL LYING.
406
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,787
Pam: HEY, YEAH.
Brett: WAIT A MINUTE.
407
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:58,256
Lana: BUT, REMEMBER, THEY'RE
DUDES.
408
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:01,892
WHAT?
Brett: UM, I HAD SEX WITH
LANA.
409
00:16:01,927 --> 00:16:02,826
ME TOO.
410
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:05,196
Gillette: LANA KANE, YOU
MAGNIFICENT BASTARD.
411
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:08,399
Lana: MWAH!
Gillette: I JUST HOPE CYRIL
DOESN'T, LIKE, SNAP.
412
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,734
Lana: [ Chuckling ] CYRIL?
SNAP?
413
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,636
Gillette: SNAP.
Lana: GIRL, PLEASE...
414
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:16,207
[ SNAPPING ]
Cyril: 7...6...2...
415
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:20,344
MILLIMETER...FULL METAL JACKET.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
416
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:21,979
SOMEONE'S IN HERE!
417
00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:26,016
[ ADDING MACHINE WHIRRING ]
Pam: HOLY SHIT SNACKS!
YOU MADE OVER 20 GRAND!
418
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:27,685
MINUS MY 60 BUCKS.
419
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,153
Lana: PLUS CYRIL'S BROKEN
HEART.
420
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:30,288
NOT TOO SHABS, PAM.
421
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,722
Pam: ARE YOU KIDDING?!
422
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:32,990
36 GUYS?!
423
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,425
IT'S LIKE "SCHINDLER'S LIST" UP
IN HERE!
424
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,094
Lana: [ GASPS ] PAM!
425
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:39,830
Pam: AND I'M LIKE THAT LITTLE
GANDHI DUDE, HELPING OUT WITH
THE BOOKS, AND THE --
426
00:16:39,865 --> 00:16:41,632
Lana: INAPPROPRIATE
ANALOGIES!
427
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,434
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH
YOU?!
428
00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:45,769
Pam: [ Sobbing ] NOTHING!
429
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:51,508
I'M A DESIRABLE, FULL-BODIED
WOMAN, BUT NOBODY WILL HAVE SEX
WITH ME!
430
00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:56,114
AND I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE!
431
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,981
Lana: [ SIGHS ]
432
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,616
GET ON THE DESK.
Pam: REALLY?!
433
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:04,955
Lana: YEAH, COME ON, BEFORE I
CHANGE MY MIND, BUT YOU CANNOT
SAY A WORD.
434
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,557
Pam: I WON'T TELL ANYBODY!
435
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:11,061
Lana: NO, HONEY, I MEAN
DURING, CAUSE I'M GONNA PRETEND
YOU'RE ALEX KARRAS.
436
00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:14,164
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
437
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,267
Malory: [ SNORING ]
438
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,235
AND THAT'S YOUR MESSAGE?
439
00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:20,805
MY GOD, WHO...
[ THUD ]
[ GLASS BREAKING ]
440
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,906
WHO'S THERE?!
[ GUN COCKS ]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
441
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,209
BECAUSE ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET IS
HOLES!
442
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,510
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
443
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,212
I-I MEAN HOLES IN YOU, NOT MY...
444
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,548
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
[ GASPS ]
STERLING?
445
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,149
Archer: HELLO, MOTHER.
446
00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:34,952
Malory: WHERE THE HELL HAVE
YOU BEEN?!
Archer: I DON'T KNOW.
447
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:37,621
Malory: WH-- AND WHY DO YOU
HAVE A CLEAVER?!
448
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,091
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
449
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:41,191
Archer: I DON'T KNOW.
450
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,627
Malory: [ SIGHS ]
WELL, YOU'RE SAFE NOW...
451
00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:44,629
SO GET OUT.
452
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,263
Archer: I'M HUNGRY.
Malory: SO LICK THAT COAT!
453
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,366
YOU SMELL LIKE A --
Archer: GRILLED CHEESE.
454
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,768
Malory: WHAT?
Archer: GRILL ME A CHEESE.
455
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,970
Malory: I'M NOT GRILLING
YOU A CHEESE!
456
00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:56,540
Archer: [ SOBBING ]
457
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,777
Malory: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
458
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:04,381
WALTZ IN HERE, DRESSED LIKE SOME
SORT OF CATTLE RAPIST, WAVING A
459
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:07,952
CLEAVER AND REEKING OF WHAT I
HOPE TO GOD IS MEAT, AND THAT'S
ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?
460
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:08,853
Archer: I DON'T KNOW.
461
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,688
Malory: I WAS WORRIED SICK.
462
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:13,591
CALLED YOU TWICE, CAME THIS
CLOSE TO LEAVING -- AND WHY
463
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:17,261
DOESN'T YOUR VOICEMAIL JUST SAY
"LEAVE A MESSAGE, I'M A
JACKASS"?
464
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:19,964
Archer: I DON'T KNOW.
Malory: [ Mockingly ] I DON'T
KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.
465
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,198
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
466
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:21,732
Archer: MY HEAD HURTS!
467
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,400
AND I HAVE NO FATHER!
468
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:28,071
Malory: STERLING, OF COURSE
YOU HAVE A FATHER, JUST MAYBE
NOT THE ONE YOU WANTED.
469
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,773
Archer: AND YOU!
Malory: AND ME NEITHER!
470
00:18:29,808 --> 00:18:32,609
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THAT WHOLE
WEEKEND IS JUST A BIG JAZZY
471
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:35,179
BLUR, I'M PRETTY SURE IT WASN'T
BUDDY.
472
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:37,547
Archer: [ Crying ] ALL THESE
YEARS, YOU LIED TO ME!
473
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:39,951
Malory: I -- STERLING, I WAS
PROTECTING YOU!
474
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:41,786
Archer: FROM WHAT, THIS
SANDWICH?!
475
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:42,920
THIS IS SWISS, MOTHER!
476
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,489
Malory: BECAUSE THAT'S ALL
I HAD, YOU ASS!
477
00:18:45,524 --> 00:18:47,692
JUST LIKE I'M ALL THAT YOU HAVE!
Archer: WELL, I HATE IT!
478
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,326
AND I HATE YOU!
479
00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:56,667
Malory: STERLING MALORY
ARCHER, YOU WILL EAT EVERY LAST
CRUMB OF THAT SANDWICH.
480
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,235
Archer: NO!
Malory: THEN GET OUT.
481
00:18:58,270 --> 00:18:59,537
I'LL CALL YOU A CAB.
[ CELL PHONE DIALING ]
482
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:00,404
Archer: AAH! AAH!
483
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,105
Malory: WHAT?
484
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,640
STERLING, STOP THAT THIS
INSTANT!
485
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,775
Archer: UBIL MAT!
KILL MOTHER.
486
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,243
Malory: AAH!
487
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:08,546
Archer: [ GRUNTS ]
KILL MOTHER!
488
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:09,513
[ CELL PHONE DIALING ]
489
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:10,848
Malory: POLICE, POLICE.
490
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,349
HAVE TO CALL THE -- AAH!
491
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,385
Archer: DéJà VU, HUH?
492
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:17,755
I'M HAVING A NIGHTMARE, AND YOU
LOCK ME OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM?!
493
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:18,488
Malory: STERLING, NO!
494
00:19:18,524 --> 00:19:19,690
STAY BACK!
495
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,692
Archer: ONLY THIS TIME,
YOU'LL BE CRYING FOR HELP, AND
496
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:26,130
I'LL BE THE ONE DRINKING AND
LAUGHING IN THERE WITH
UNCLE BUDDY!
497
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,566
Malory: STERLING, I'M WARNING
YOU!
498
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:29,533
[ DOORKNOB RATTLING ]
499
00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:31,802
STERLING!
500
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,337
[ THUD ]
501
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:34,372
[ GASPS ]
502
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:35,139
[ THUD ]
503
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,607
STERLING?
504
00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:38,075
[ Voice breaking ] STERLING?
505
00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:40,077
STERLING!
Archer: WHAT?!
506
00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:41,211
GOD!
507
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,581
Malory: [ SIGHS ]
WELL, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?
508
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:44,581
Archer: OW.
509
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:46,483
Malory: WAVING A CLEAVER,
SCREAMING IN RUSSIAN?
510
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,152
Archer: I'M SORRY.
Malory: ASS.
511
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,787
Archer: SERIOUSLY, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MY
HEAD.
512
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:51,956
Malory: FILTHY COAT.
513
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:54,224
CAN'T TELL WHAT'S COW'S BLOOD
AND WHAT'S YOURS.
514
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:56,293
Archer: THE WET BLOOD,
MOTHER, IS MINE!
515
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:57,961
Malory: AND IT'S RUINING MY
BRAND-NEW LINENS!
516
00:19:57,997 --> 00:19:58,929
Archer: SORRY!
517
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:00,798
Malory: THIS IS WHY I CAN'T
HAVE NICE THINGS.
518
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:02,466
Archer: WHY, BECAUSE YOU
SHOOT THEM?
519
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:03,267
Malory: SERVES YOU RIGHT.
520
00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:04,835
YOU NEARLY SCARED ME TO DEATH!
521
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:08,172
Archer: WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY
WEREN'T THAT SCARED, JUDGING BY
YOUR GROUPING.
522
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:11,008
- OH!
- Malory: HAH! GUESS THE OLD
GAL'S STILL GOT IT.
523
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,344
ALL 6, RIGHT IN THE 10 RING.
524
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:14,511
Archer: HOORAY.
525
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,880
Malory: JUST LIKE I TAUGHT
YOU, WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM...
526
00:20:16,915 --> 00:20:18,515
WHOEVER YOUR FATHER IS.
527
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:22,753
Archer: YEAH, YOU WERE ALWAYS
THERE FOR ME, WHICH I NEVER
REALLY THANK YOU FOR.
528
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,988
Malory: STERLING, I DON'T
NEED THANKS.
529
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,324
THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME SUCH A
WONDERFUL MOTHER.
530
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,793
Archer: [ LAUGHS ]
ARE YOU KIDDING?
531
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:29,860
Malory: DON'T BE SHITTY!
532
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,762
CAN'T WE JUST ENJOY THE MOMENT?
533
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:34,031
Archer: YEAH, HOW COULD WE
NOT?
534
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:37,568
Malory: ASS.
41247
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