Original subtitles

¶ ¶

[ BOOTS THUMP ]

Archer: Shh!

[ CROSSBOW SPRINGS ]

[ TILES CRACK ]

Shh!

¶ MULATTO BUTT ¶ ¶ MULATTO BUTT ¶

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

Lana: Ohh, why the hell is your phone on?

Archer: Because I have a social life!

YELLO?

Malory: WHY THE HELL IS YOUR PHONE ON?

Archer: BECAUSE I HAVE -- WHY DID YOU CALL?

Malory: BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Archer: MICROMANAGITIS.

Malory: IF WE SHOW SAN MARINO THE FLAWS IN THEIR PALACE

SECURITY, THEY'VE AGREED TO HIRE US AS SECURITY CONSULTANTS.

AND I'M SURE I DON'T NEED TO

REMIND YOU THAT WE HAVEN'T

GOTTEN ONE OF THESE JOBS SINCE

YOUR UFFIZI FIASCO.

[ SIREN WAILING ]

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

Archer: AND YET, YOU ALWAYS DO.

Malory: BECAUSE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM IT.

Archer: I LEARNED THAT "FLAMMABLE" AND "INFLAMMABLE" MEAN THE SAME THING.

Lana: WAIT, WHAT?

Malory: WELL, THIS TIME MAKE SURE YOU --

Archer: MOTHER! OH, MY GOD!

WE'VE BEEN SPOTTED, AND THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US!

OH, MY! OH, GOD! [ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

BET SHE'S FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.

Malory: OH, MY GOD! WHAT SHADE IS THAT -- CRACK-WHORE RED?

Lana: YOU SAID THEY WERE TRANQUILIZER DARTS!

Archer: AH, I MERELY IMPLIED THAT.

Lana: DAMN IT! SO I POISONED LIKE FIVE INNOCENT SECURITY GUARDS?

Archer: WOULD YOU RELAX?

I'M PRETTY SURE SAN MARINO HAS UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE.

Lana: SO?

Archer: SO, THAT'S GOOD FOR THEM 'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE SOME NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE.

Lana: OHH!

Archer: OH, MY.

Lana: WOW. Archer: LANA.

Lana: THAT IS ONE SERIOUS DIAMOND.

Pam: [ Slurring ] BUT IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE BROWN?

Cyril: IT'S NOT BROWN, PAM.

Pam: [ BELCHES ]

Cyril: THAT COLOR IS CALLED "CHAMPAGNE."

Pam: MM-HMM, AND WHY DO YOU HAVE IT?

Cyril: BECAUSE I...AM GONNA ASK LANA TO MARRY ME.

Pam: AND YOU'RE GONNA GIVE HER THAT IF SHE SAYS NO?

Cyril: HEY!

Pam: LIKE A BIG "SCREW YOU AND YOUR BIG LINCOLN LOG-Y FINGERS"?

[ BELCHES ]

Archer: SO, THE LAST THING

YOU HEAR ME SAY IS, "OH, MY GOD! THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US!" AND YOU DON'T EVEN CALL ME BACK?

Malory: WELL, I KNEW YOU WEREN'T IN ANY REAL DANGER --

YOU KNOW, WITH LANA THERE.

- Lana: HA! - Archer: HA!

Malory: AND LET'S JUST KNOCK OFF THE GIGGLING.

I WANT GAME FACES ON THOSE HEADS

FOR OUR CONFERENCE CALL WITH THE PRINCE.

Lana: I THOUGHT HE WAS A CAPTAIN REGENT.

Malory: OH, WHATEVER.

ALL OF SAN MARINO COULD FIT IN THE SOUTH BRONX.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS, THEY'RE LOADED.

Pam: [ Laughing ] JUST SHITFACED!

Cyril: [ GROANS ] Pam: ABOUT 15 FREAKIN' BEERS,

ALL THAT SCHUETZIE, AND -- HOLY SHIT! -- DID I HONK DOWN A BUNCH OF ABSINTHE?

Cyril: I DON'T KNOW, PAM, BUT COULD YOU LOWER YOUR VOICE?

Pam: I MUST HAVE, 'CAUSE I HALLUCINATED YOU HAD AN

ENGAGEMENT RI--

Cyril: Not...another...word!

AND JUST WHAT IS THIS, I ASK YOU?

Cyril: HELLO, CHERYL. Pam: WHAT THE --

CYRIL, ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?

Cyril: NO, JUST TRYING TO GET MY MUFFIN BACK.

UH, NO, YOU'RE NOT!

Cyril: I'M NOT? NOT LIKE THAT.

YOU GOT TO SLUG HER IN THE DIAPHRAGM WITH A FOREARM SHIVER!

Cyril: OH. THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. [ CHUCKLES ]

- DO IT! - Cyril: UM...

Pam: UGH! [ THUDS ]

[ VOMITING ]

Cyril: WOW.

AND NO MUFFIN. SEE?

TIME LOST IS MUFFIN LOST, ALONG WITH MY APPETITE -- FOR FOOD,

THAT IS. OOH.

Cyril: UGH!

COME SEE ME.

Cyril: WOW, I AM INCREDIBLY SORRY.

Claudio: BUT THAT IS MY DECISION, MS. ARCHER.

AND AS CAPTAIN REGENT OF SAN --

Malory: I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE CAPTAIN... Archer: CRUNCH!

NO, WAIT, BEEFHEART.

Malory: CLAUDIO, WE HAD A DEAL.

Archer: NO, WAIT -- KANGAROO. Lana: AND WE POINTED OUT

EVERY SINGLE FLAW IN YOUR CUT-RATE SECURITY SYSTEM.

Malory: AND NOW NOT ONLY ARE YOU HIRING ANOTHER AGENCY...

Archer: THERE WAS A CAPTAIN KANGAROO.

Malory: ...YOU WON'T EVEN PAY ISIS FOR THAT SECURITY PROBE!

Lana: WHICH MEANS NO BONUSES FOR US.

Archer: WAIT, WHAT?

Malory: OH, NOW HE CARES.

Claudio: THOSE MONIES WILL GO TO MEDICAL CARE FOR THE PALACE GUARDS THEY POISONED.

Malory: WHAT? Archer: LANA DID THAT!

Lana: I -- Claudio: AND AS FOR HIRING ODIN --

Malory: ODIN?!

Trexler: UH, SKIPPER, IF I COULD JUMP IN HERE...

Malory: TREXLER!

Trexler: OH, MALORY.

EVEN ON -- WHAT IS THIS,

1080p? -- YOU LOOK JUST AS

SUPPLE AND SEXY AS THE DAY I

FIRST LAID EYES ON YOU.

Archer: WHERE? IN A WAX MUSEUM?

Trexler: STERLING, THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER.

Malory: AND JUST WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

GETTING ISIS BLACKLISTED AT THE U.N.?

Trexler: HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

Malory: EMBARRASSING ME IN BERLIN?

Trexler: THE ENTIRE HOTEL WAS EMBARRASSED.

Malory: STEALING ALL MY PROSPECTIVE CLIENTS?

Trexler: N-- YEAH.

Malory: AND NO MATTER WHICH WAY I TURN, YOU'RE BUTTING IN

THAT BIG, FAT, STRONG, AQUILINE NOSE OF YOURS.

Archer: WAIT. WHAT?

Trexler: YOU SAID IT WAS THE NOSE OF A CAESAR.

Claudio: ENH.

Malory: WELL, PERHAPS A LESSER CAESAR.

Trexler: NO, NO. NOW, I CLEARLY REMEMBER YOU SAID

"AUGUSTUS" AND "IN VINO VERITAS."

Malory: AND THE CHIANTI WAS DEFINITELY FLOWING... AMONG OTHER THINGS.

Archer: MOTHER! Malory: HMM? OH, UH, THIS IS

THE LAST TIME YOU MAKE ME OUT A FOOL, LEN TREXLER!

YOU WANT TO PLAY ME HARD?

- Archer: PHRASING. - Trexler: YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Malory: THEN YOU BETTER NUT UP.

- Archer: PHRASING. - Malory: ...BECAUSE I'VE

SWALLOWED JUST ABOUT AS MUCH AS I CAN TAKE FROM YOU!

Archer: HEY! PHRASING!

Malory: ...AND WE'LL SEE WHO'S SMIRKING WHEN ISIS STEALS THAT DIAMOND FOR REAL!

Trexler: [ INHALES SHARPLY ] OOH, YOU'RE A NAUGHTY GIRL.

Malory: RIGHT, THEN!

COMMENCE OPERATION "RUB LEN TREXLER'S BIG FAT NOSE IN IT!"

Archer: UGH. SOUNDS LIKE YOU ALREADY HAVE.

Lana: WAIT. YOU WANT US TO BREAK BACK INTO THE PALACE,

WHICH NOW HAS THE INSANE AMOUNT OF SECURITY WE RECOMMENDED, PLUS GOD KNOWS HOW MANY ODIN GUYS...

Malory: YES, SO TAKE MORE OF THAT POISON.

Lana: ...AND ON TOP OF THAT SUCK SALAD, YOU WANT TO SPRINKLE

ON THE BACON BITS OF, "OH, HEY, LET'S TELL THEM WE'RE COMING"?!

Malory: WELL? Lana: WELL, THERE'S THIS NEW

THING CALLED THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE?

Cyril: I'M SO SORRY I SLAMMED YOU IN THE GUT.

GEEZ, THAT'S HOW HOUDINI DIED.

Pam: HOUDINI DIED OF AIDS.

Cyril: NO! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT?

AND THAT'S THE THING -- I WANT TO SURPRISE LANA.

Pam: WELL, YOU NAILED IT.

Cyril: SO, THIS TIME, I NEED YOU TO NOT BE YOUR NORMAL, COMPULSIVELY BLABBY SELF.

Pam: W-WHEN HAVE I EVER BEEN BLABBY?

Jane: [ CRYING ]

Pam: [ Singsong voice ] GUESS WHO HAS BREAST CANCER.

Jane: [ SOBS ]

Cyril: JUST ONE OF LIKE TWO DOZEN EQUALLY APPALLING VIDEOS ON YOUR WEBSITE.

Pam: THEY'RE NOT ALL EQUALLY

APP-- OHH, AND HAVE I BLABBED ABOUT YOU AND CHERYL?

Cyril: SHE KEEPS SEDUCING ME!

Pam: AND YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE THAT UNHAPPEN IF YOU GIVE LANA A TINY FLAKE OF BROWN MICA?

CYRIL, LOOK AT IT!

Cyril: BUT I SPENT TWO MONTHS' SALARY.

Pam: I KNOW, BUT YOU MAKE SHIT.

Cyril: HEY, I'M DOING PRETTY WELL, THANK YOU.

Pam: SAVE THE SPEECH FOR THE FATHER YOU CONTINUALLY DISAPPOINT.

I'M HEAD OF H.R., CYRIL.

I KNOW YOUR TAKE-HOME.

Cyril: YEAH, AND I -- I --

I TAKE HOME SHIT!

Pam: WELL, WE ALL DO.

Cyril: BUT WHAT'S MY FATHER EVER DONE THAT'S SO GREAT -- SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT?!

BIG WHOOP! THERE'S ONLY LIKE 800 KIDS IN

THE ENTIRE COUNTY, "K" THROUGH 12!

Pam: WOW. Cyril: I'M SORRY.

UH, YOU WERE SAYING?

Pam: I WERE SAYING, WE ALL

MAKE SHIT, SO WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS UNIONIZE!

Cyril: YEAH! I'LL GET THE RAISE I DESERVE.

Pam: THEN YOU CAN BUY LANA A BIG-BOY RING.

Cyril: SHE'LL PROMPTLY AGREE TO MARRY ME.

Pam: THEN YOU CAN TAKE HER HOME TO MEET YOUR DICK DAD.

Cyril: AND THEN I SHOVE HIS HAWK FACE RIGHT INTO HER BIG

BROWN BOOBS AND SCREAM, "LOOK AT THESE BABIES, OLD MAN!

DIDN'T NEED A VARSITY LETTER TO GET THOSE, DID I?!

SO NOW WHO'S A DISAPPOINTMENT?!"

OH, JESUS H. JONES, PAM.

Pam: WHAT?

Malory: CAROL?

CAROL?

OH, WAIT.

CHERYL? CHERYL?

HELLO?

CHERYL, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HAVE TO OPEN MY OWN SALAD AGAIN,

I WILL FREAK OUT!

W-WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?

Lana: SO, LET'S ASSUME WE CAN'T ACCESS THE PALACE THROUGH

THAT SAME SKYLIGHT.

Archer: OKAY.

Lana: BUT MAYBE WE OVERLOOKED AN AIR SHAFT, OR MAYBE EVEN SOME

ACCESS BELOW GRADE. Archer: UH.

Lana: SO LET'S PULL UP THE PALACE SCHEMATICS.

Archer: UM, OKAY. Lana: MAYBE TODAY...

Archer: HANG ON. Lana: ...IF THAT WORKS FOR YOU.

Archer: UM, LET ME SEE. HOW ABOUT NOW? ANYTHING? Lana: NO.

Archer: UH, HOW ABOUT NOW? Lana: NO.

Archer: HOW ABOUT NOW? Lana: NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE?

Archer: I DON'T KNOW!

Lana: WHAT ARE YOU -- JUST HITTING RANDOM KEYS?

Archer: WELL, OBVIOUSLY!

Lana: OHH, DAMN IT, WE -- WHERE'S THE HOBBIT GUY?

Archer: [ LAUGHS ] A FRICKIN' HOBBIT WORKS HERE?

Lana: NO, HE'S JUST A --

Archer: LANA, THEY'RE CALLED "LITTLE PEOPLE," NOT "HOBBITS."

Lana: WILL YOU -- HE'S A HOBBIT ENTHUSIAST.

Archer: EW.

Lana: YEAH, BUT HE ALSO KNOWS HOW TO WORK ALL THE COMPUTERS AND SATELLITES AND SHIT.

Bilbo: BUT EVEN THOUGH I DO ALL THAT, I GOT TO LIVE WITH A

ROOMMATE IN QUEENS.

[ CROWD MURMURS ]

Pam: ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW

UNDERPAID THE ISIS SUPPORT STAFF REALLY IS.

AND I, FOR ONE, AM FED UP!

YEAH, FED FULL OF MUFFINS AND DENIAL.

Pam: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, NECK BONES?

MY PROBLEM IS, I REMEMBER WHAT MS. ARCHER DID TO THE CLEANING LADIES!

YOU SURE, MISSUS?

IS PLENTY OF SPACE.

Malory: NO, GRACIAS.

OKAY.

[ MACHINERY WHIRS ]

[ CABLE SNAPS ]

AAH!

[ CRASHES ]

Malory: HA! HOW'S THAT FOR BREAD AND ROSES?

OH, MY GOODNESS.

Pam: YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY SAD.

WHAT'S SAD IS NOW NOBODY

RESTOCKS THE STUPID MACHINE IN

THE BATHROOM, SO I HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN TAMPONS.

TAMPONS?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

EXACTLY, AND SO I SAY NO UNION.

YEAH! Pam: NO, NO, NO, WAIT.

HUNH-UNH. DON'T LISTEN TO THE "MAKES HER OWN TAMPONS" PERSON!

Cyril: LISTEN TO YOUR HEARTS

BECAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW THEY'RE EXPLOITING US.

BUT IF WE UNITE, WE CAN PUT A STOP TO IT.

AND THAT SUPPLY CLOSET IS JUST PACKED WITH POSTER BOARD AND

MARKERS AND MAYBE EVEN SOME GLITTER!

SO, WHO'S WITH ME ON THE PICKET LINE?!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

AND ME!

Cyril: REALLY?

YOU HAD ME AT "PUT."

Lana: YES, WE NEED A SOUND SENSOR.

DUH!

GOD, WHERE IS THAT EQUIPMENT GUY?

AND WHERE THE HELL ARE THE JUMARS?

Archer: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. THIS WAS ALL I COULD FIND.

I'M THINKING GOGGLES -- YES.

SHOVELS -- I DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY WE'D USE 'EM.

Lana: OHH!

Malory: CHERYL!

Lana: SHE'S NOT IN HERE!

Malory: WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?

IS THE SAN MARINO DIAMOND IN HERE NOW?

Archer: IT MIGHT BE, FOR ALL WE KNOW.

Lana: WE CAN'T FIND ANY OF THE GEAR WE NEED, WE'VE GOT NO

SATCOMs, NO NEW INTEL, AND SO,

BASICALLY, WE ARE TOTALLY UNPREPARED FOR THIS MISSION!

Archer: UNLESS IT INVOLVES NIGHT-SHOVELING.

Malory: WELL, I WANT THAT

DIAMOND, NOT TO MENTION MY

"RAPIDLY APPROACHING ROOM TEMPERATURE" COBB SALAD, SO --

DAMN IT. WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE DRONES?

WHAT DO WE WANT? All: UNFAIR!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT? All: CHANGE!

Cyril: OKAY, SO THEY'RE BAD CHANTERS, BUT OVERALL, THIS STRIKE'S SHAPING UP.

Pam: HOW? NOBODY KNOWS WHY WE'RE STRIKING.

Cyril: WELL, WE CAN'T SAY, "HEY, RIGHT UPSTAIRS IS A TOP SECRET INTELLIGENCE AGENCY."

Pam: BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE PICKETING THE CLEANERS!

Cyril: NO, IT DOESN'T.

Pam: JESUS!

STOP PICKETING THE CLEANERS!

Pam: YOU WERE SAYING?

Lana: WHY ARE PEOPLE PICKETING THE CLEANERS?

Archer: I PREDICTED THIS.

IT'S CURRY FURY.

Lana: HOLY SHIT. IS THAT CYRIL?

Archer: AND PAM, KRIEGER, CAROL, ALL THE... Malory: DRONES!

THEY'RE NOT PICKETING THE CLEANERS -- THEY'RE PICKETING ISIS!

Lana: WHAT'S THEIR BEEF?

Malory: OH, THE SAME ENTITLED CRAP AS ALWAYS -- "I CAN'T MAKE ENDS MEET."

"I'M ON FOOD STAMPS."

"MY CHILD DIED BECAUSE I COULDN'T AFFORD NEW BONE

MARROW" -- JUST, "ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!"

Lana: JESUS, WHOSE KID DIED?

Malory: OH, WHO REMEMBERS?

CHECK PAM'S BLOG.

Archer: AND DONE, BUT IF YOU

STILL WANT US TO STEAL YOU THAT GIGANTIC DIAMOND...

Malory: WELL, OBVIOUSLY.

Archer: ...WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CROSS THEIR PICKET LINE.

[ GLASS SHATTERING ] Lana: WELL, SCREW THAT.

Archer: YEAH, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BOTTLES?

IT'S LIKE A TRAILER-PARK EASTER.

LOUSY COMMIES!

GO BACK TO QUEBEC!

Pam: JESUS!

OKAY, STRIKE'S OVER, EVERYBODY.

Cyril: NO, HOLD THAT LINE.

WE DESERVE A RAISE, AND LANA DESERVES A REAL RING, SO --

AAH!

Archer: OKAY, SO, LET'S GO OUT THE BACK.

[ BELL RINGS ] Lana: OH, MY GOD!

Archer: [ LAUGHS ] HAPPY EASTER, CYRIL.

Cyril: LANA.

Lana: OH, BABY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Cyril: WELL, SEE, I WANTED TO BUY YOU A --

Pam: CYRIL, THIS IS NOT THAT MOMENT.

Krieger: AND WE DON'T TALK TO MANAGEMENT.

OR HAM-FISTED WHORES.

Lana: WHAT? HMM?

Cyril: YEAH, NO, THEY'RE RIGHT.

- Lana: WHAT?! - Cyril: NO, NOT THE WHORE PART -- MANAGEMENT.

Lana: BUT WE'RE NOT TECHNICALLY MANAGEMENT.

Pam: BUT YOU MAKE SHITLOADS MORE THAN WE DO.

Krieger: EVEN THOUGH YOU TOTALLY DEPEND ON US.

Archer: ON YOU? HEY, WE'RE OUT THERE RISKING OUR LIVES EVERY -- MANY OF THE DAYS!

Lana: AND SO, YES, WE GET PAID A LITTLE MORE.

Cyril: HOW MUCH A LITTLE MORE?

Lana: WELL, IT'S COMPLICATED...

Archer: NO, IT ISN'T. DON'T ANSWER THAT!

Lana: ...WHAT WITH SALARY AND

PERFORMANCE INCENTIVES AND ALL THE BONUSES.

Cyril: BONUSES?!

DUMP HER, CYRIL!

Lana: HEY, CRAZY, GO MACRAME SOME TAMPONS!

OH, YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING CRAZY?

CYRIL -- Cyril: THANK YOU, PAM.

NOW LOOK, LANA --

Lana: BABY, "TAKE CHARGE CYRIL" IS TOTALLY DOING IT FOR ME.

IT REALLY IS, BUT WE'RE ON A VITAL MISSION HERE.

Pam: VITAL MISSION?

Bilbo: NOT ON THE MASTER CLIPBOARD.

Cyril: SO, JUST HOW VITAL IS IT?

Malory: IT'S INCREDIBLY VITAL BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T STEAL ME

THAT HUGE DIAMOND, I WILL LITERALLY DIE.

Pam: A DIAMOND? IN THIS ECONOMY?

Cyril: YOU'RE STEALING A DIAMOND FOR HER?

Pam: OH, IRONY.

Malory: AND THE REST OF YOU, BACK TO WORK!

IF THAT SALAD ISN'T OPEN IN THE NEXT--

GET 'EM!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] Malory: OH! OH!

Lana: HEY, HEY, WHOA!

Archer: STOP SURGING! Lana: ARCHER, DO SOMETHING!

Archer: I AM DOING SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

All: [ COUGHING ]

Archer: LANA, OUT THE BACK! MOVE! HEY, CYRIL!

CYRIL! CYRIL! Cyril: WHAT?!

Archer: I'M SAVING LANA, AS USUAL!

Cyril: HEY, SHUT UP!

Archer: FRICKIN' ODIN. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

Lana: HOW MANY ARE THERE? Archer: ABOUT A JILLION.

Lana: DAMN IT. Archer: A JILLION GAY LITTLE COPYCATS.

Lana: WHAT? Archer: I MEAN, I DIDN'T INVENT THE TURTLENECK, LANA, BUT

I WAS THE FIRST TO RECOGNIZE ITS POTENTIAL AS A TACTICAL GARMENT.

Lana: OHH. Archer: THE TACTICAL TURTLENECK, LANA.

Lana: ARCHER. Archer: THE "TACTLENECK."

Lana: CAN YOU PLEASE FOCUS?

Archer: NOT REALLY.

I DON'T THINK THESE GOGGLES WERE PROPERLY CALIBRATED.

Lana: DITTO THE SOUND SENSOR AND THE STUPID CODE CLONER --

ALL THE GEAR THOSE SWEATY TECH DWEEBS NORMALLY --

[ GASPS ] DO WE TAKE THE DRONES FOR GRANTED?

Archer: NO, NO, NO, LANA.

DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT THEM.

Malory: NO, NO, NO.

THAT IS UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE.

Cyril: IT'S JUST A COST-OF-LIVING ADJUSTMENT.

Malory: IT'S STRONG-ARM ROBBERY!

Pam: COME ON, MS. ARCHER.

YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE 10 HOURS.

MEET US HALFWAY, AND KRIEGER

WILL LET YOU OUT OF THERE.

Krieger: OR ELSE HE'LL CRANK UP THE HEAT AGAIN!

I LOVE THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

Krieger: AND I LOVE THAT I HAVE AN ERECTION THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

Pam: AND YOU'RE COOL WITH KRIEGER SHUCKIN' YOUR SIDE CORN?

Cyril: YEAH, THAT IS A HUGE WIN-WIN FOR ME.

Pam: YOU HEAR THAT, MS. ARCHER?

WE'RE ALL ON BOARD FOR THE BIG

WIN-WIN OUT HERE!

Malory: WELL, I'M NOT!

DO YOUR WORST, KRIEGER!

Krieger: OKAY.

OH, MY GOD, YES!

Malory: YES, GO AHEAD!

CRANK UP THE HEAT!

I'M AS NAKED AS THE DAY I WAS BORN!

Pam: OH, EW.

AND THAT IS NOT SO GREAT.

Pam: NAKED OR NOT... Cyril: DON'T KEEP SAYING IT.

Pam: ...YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER.

Malory: HA! I'LL OUTLAST YOU!

I'M NAKED, AND I'VE GOT HALF A LIME AND ALMOST...

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

NEARLY 2/3 OF A HALF-GALLON

OF --

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

SHIT.

Cyril: HA! Pam: NOW WE GOT HER!

Malory: HA! I'LL SUCK IT

STRAIGHT OFF THIS GRIMY LINOLEUM

BEFORE I GIVE IN TO YOU BELLYACHERS!

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING!

Lana: NO CODE CLONER, NO GPS.

UGH! WE'VE GOT NO THERMAL IMAGING!

Archer: LANA, WE DON'T NEED GADGETS.

Lana: OH, REALLY? Archer: MACHINES ARE GONNA FAIL.

THEN THE SYSTEM'S GONNA FAIL.

AND THEN IT'S "WHO HAS THE ABILITY TO SURVIVE?"

AND THAT'S THE GAME, LANA --

SURVIVAL.

Lana: JUST WATCHED "DELIVERANCE" AGAIN, HUH?

Archer: I MEAN, IS BURT REYNOLDS NOT THE MAN IN THAT?

ON THE RAFT...

WITH THE VEST, HUH? Lana: [ SIGHS ]

Archer: HE DID HIS OWN STUNTS.

- Lana: I KNOW! - Archer: Shh!

Lana: HE DID HIS OWN STUNTS!

Archer: Keep your frickin' voice --

AAH! GOD! SWEET JESUS, THE GOGGLES!

INTRUDERS! GET THEM!

[ SIREN WAILING, GUNFIRE ]

Archer: AAH, LANA!

- LANA, I'M BLIND! - Lana: YEAH?

Archer: I'M BLIND! Lana: SHOULD I GO ON WITHOUT YOU?

Archer: WHAT? NO, CARRY ME, MONSTER-HANDS!

[ WAILING CONTINUES ]

Archer: OW! OW! OW!

JESUS! QUIT BOUNCING MY EYES!

Lana: SHUT UP!

I'M TRYING TO GET US AN EVAC, BUT NOBODY'S ANSWER--

OH, HOLY SHIT, ARE THEY STILL ON STRIKE?

Archer: HEY, EUGENE DEBS,

IT'S ONLY BEEN ABOUT 10 HOURS, ALL RIGHT?

Cyril: SO YOU'D RATHER DIE IN THERE THAN GIVE US A COST-OF-LIVING ADJUSTMENT?

Malory: YES!

Krieger: I CAN ARRANGE THAT.

CRUNCH!

I LOVE THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

Pam: WELL, NOW YOU'RE TRAPPED. [ TELEPHONE RINGING ] HAPPY?

Malory: YES! Pam: AH!

LAUNDRY.

OH, WAIT, ARE WE OPEN?

WHAT? SIR, YOU HAVE TO SLOW --

GEEZY PETES, GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY.

Lana: WE'RE TAKING HEAVY FIRE, AND WE NEED A FRICKIN' EXTRACTION, YOU DUMBASS!

All: [ GASP ] Cyril: LANA!

Archer: [ LAUGHS ] SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE A MAN.

Lana: SHUT UP!

CYRIL, BABY, WE'RE PINNED DOWN, OKAY? WE NEED A -- AAH!

Cyril: LANA!

Malory: WHAT'S GOING ON?

Lana: WE NEED EVAC -- A HELO,

A JUMP JET --

Archer: UH, AT THIS POINT, REALLY ANYTHING.

Malory: WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE, IDIOTS!

Cyril: YEAH, COME ON! GET 'EM OUT OF THERE!

Bilbo: UH, YOU'D NEED THE SATCOM LINK TO DO THAT.

Cyril: SO? Bilbo: SO IT'S UPSTAIRS.

Krieger: AND, UH... SOMEONE BROKE THE ELEVATOR.

Pam: AND MISS FIRE HAZARD IN

THERE BRICKED UP THE ONLY STAIRWELL!

Malory: DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FIRE HAZARDS.

ALL YOU PEOPLE DID IN THERE WAS SMOKE!

[ GUNFIRE ] Lana: AAH, GOD, I'M HIT!

Archer: LANA!

Cyril: WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE DO SOMETHING?!

Archer: LIKE WHAT, CYRIL? I'M BLIND!

Cyril: NO, US! HERE!

Archer: OH!

Cyril: KRIEGER, BILBO, COME ON --

CAN'T YOU GUYS DO SOMETHING?

Krieger: WH-- NO!

OH, WAIT, I MEANT "YES."

[ BEEPING ]

Bilbo: ROGER THAT, ZEBRA TWO.

STAND BY. HELO'S 10-4.

HE JUST NEEDS YOU TO UPLOAD YOUR GPS COORDINATES INTO HIS H.U.D.

Krieger: WHICH I WILL DO WITH THESE CELLPHONES.

[ BEEPS ] Pam: HOLY SHIT. YOU GEEKS ARE BADASS.

Krieger: WELL, WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT AN ELECTRICAL INSULATOR, SO THANK

CYRIL FOR THE TINY BROWN DIAMOND.

Lana: WHAT? Archer: OH, WAIT.

LANA, DID WE GET THE DIAMOND? Lana: WHAT? NO.

BUT, CYRIL, WHY DID YOU HAVE A DIAMOND?

Cyril: OH, UH, JUST MY EAR STUD, YOU KNOW, FROM COLLEGE.

Lana: REALLY? Archer: CALLED IT.

Krieger: AND, AGAIN, YOU DO REALIZE IT'LL BE TOTALLY DESTROYED IN THE PROCESS?

Cyril: YES, JUST HURRY UP, PLEASE!

Krieger: OKAY, UPLOADING GPS COORDINATE-- WAIT A SECOND.

[ GUNFIRE ] Lana: DAMN IT! WE DON'T HAVE A SECOND!

Archer: LANA, I'M SURE WE HAVE ONE SECOND.

BUT, SERIOUSLY, IT DOES SOUND LIKE WE'RE ABOUT TO BE OVERRUN.

Malory: GET MY SON OUT OF THERE!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE WAITING FOR?!

Krieger: A GODDAMN COST-OF-LIVING ADJUSTMENT!

Lana: WHAT?! Pam: HEY, YEAH.

Cyril: NO, KRIEGER, THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS.

Krieger: IT IS EXACTLY THE TIME. SO, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, YOU HARPY?

YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR SON AGAIN?

Malory: NOT AT THE NUMBER YOU QUOTED ME.

Archer: MOTHER!

Cyril: THAT NUMBER IS PEGGED TO THE CONSUMER PRICE INDEX!

Malory: WHERE -- THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CANADA?

[ GUNFIRE ] Lana: JESUS, TAKE IT OUT OF OUR BONUSES!

Archer: WHAT? MOTHER, NO, LISTEN TO ME.

AAH! I'M HIT!

I'M HIT, AND I'M BLIND.

Pam: JESUS, MS. ARCHER, YOUR CHILD IS DYING.

Malory: OH, ALL RIGHT.

IF THEY'LL GIVE UP THEIR BONUSES...

Archer: MOTHER!

Malory: ...YOU CAN HAVE YOUR LOUSY COST-OF-LIVING ADJUSTMENT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Pam: SOMETHING GOOD'S HAPPENING!

Krieger: AND YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DICK SON BACK.

[ BEEPING ]

[ ELECTRICITY HUMMING ]

WHOA! Malory: WHAT'S GOING ON?

Archer: I HEAR A HELICOPTER!

Cyril: OH, YEAH! Archer: HOLY SHIT!

MY OTHER SENSES ARE ALREADY HEIGHTENED!

Cyril: HEY, THIS TIME I SAVED LANA.

BUT, OH, GOD, PAM, TWO MONTHS' SALARY.

Pam: CYRIL, YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON GOOD PUSSY.

Bilbo: ROGER THAT, ZEBRA TWO.

HEY, THE HELO'S GOT 'EM! THEY'RE SAFE!

HOORAY. WAY TO GO.

Malory: THEN GET ME OUT OF THIS SWEATBOX...

[ LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]

BECAUSE I AM OFFICIALLY OUT OF GIN.

Lana: OH, COME ON, ARCHER.

NOT NOW. I'M SERIOUS.

Archer: HEY, I'M SERIOUS.

LOOK AT ME, SERIOUSLY, LANA.

AND FORGET THE EYE BANDAGE, BUT

THE HAIR, THE STRONG JAWLINE -- WHO DO I REMIND YOU OF?

- Lana: NOBODY. - Archer: SAY IT.

Lana: PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS.

- Archer: SAY IT. - Lana: OHH.

Archer: SAY IT!

Lana: BURT REYNOLDS IN "DELIVERANCE."

Archer: NO, NOT IN "DELIVERANCE"...

[ CHUCKLES ]

IN "GATOR"!

Lana: OHH.

Archer: RIGHT?

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?