Original subtitles

Archer: SO I GET TO GO TO THE FRENCH RIVIERA ON THE ISIS DIME TO DO WHAT, EXACTLY?

Malory: LOCATE A STOLEN SHIPMENT OF REDEYE MISSILES AND

KILL THE ARMS DEALER TRYING TO SELL THEM -- SPYRIDON SKORPIO.

Archer: IS DIABETES BUSY?

Malory: DON'T UNDERESTIMATE SKORPIO.

THERE'S A REASON THE BOUNTY ON HIM IS SO HIGH.

Archer: LIKE HIGH ENOUGH TO REDO MY KITCHEN?

Malory: UGH! WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

Archer: THAT SALTILLO TILE IS TERRIBLE FOR A KITCHEN BECAUSE IT'S SO POROUS.

Malory: AND MEXICAN WHOREHOUSE-Y.

SO I'M SURE YOUR COOK FEELS AT HOME.

Archer: PITA ISN'T A WHORE!

Malory: NOT UNTIL YOU GOT AHOLD OF HER.

- Archer: FIRST OF ALL -- - Malory: OH, SHUT UP!

THE BOUNTY ON SKORPIO IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR A NEW KITCHEN.

Archer: I ALSO HAVE THE NOOK --

Malory: AND THE REST YOU CAN SET ASIDE FOR PITA'S INEVITABLE MEDICAL EXPENSES.

Archer: OH, LIKE, ONE TIME THAT HAPPENED!

IT'S PRETTY LATE, THOUGH. WHY DON'T YOU, UH, TAKE A CAB?

Pita: [ Mexican accent ] MR. STERLING? I HAVE PROBLEM.

Archer: I'LL PAY FOR IT.

Pita: [ VOMITING ] Archer: AGAIN?

SERIOUSLY, PITA. YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.

AGAIN?!

THIS WAS, UH, SUPPOSED TO BE COCONUT SHRIMP.

ONE, THREE TIMES. BUT IT'S THE POPE'S FAULT SHE WON'T LET ME WEAR A CONDOM.

Malory: WHY DON'T YOU WEAR A VASECTOMY?!

Archer: THIS AGAIN? DON'T YOU WANT A GRANDKID?

Malory: WELL, IF I DID, I'D JUST SCRAPE ALL YOUR PREVIOUS

MISHAPS INTO A BIG PILE AND KNIT A ONESIE FOR IT.

Archer: JESUS CHRIST!

Malory: SORRY, I'VE BEEN FASTING, AND I'M EDGY.

Archer: STILL, THOUGH. Malory: STERLING!

Archer: OKAY.

IF THERE'S MONEY LEFT AFTER THE KITCHEN, THEN VASECTOMY MAYBE.

Malory: SO YOU DO WANT THE ASSIGNMENT.

Archer: YEAH, I WANT IT!

Malory: YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT IT?

Archer: YES. I REALLY WANT IT.

Malory: WELL, TOO BAD. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT.

Lana: WOMP-WOMP!

Archer: WHY DOES SHE GET THE MISSION?!

Malory: BECAUSE I SAID SO.

EITHER WAY, WE HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH.

Archer: WE?! WHY ARE YOU GOING?

Malory: I'M GOING TO, UM, A CONFERENCE.

Archer: OH, WELL, ISN'T THAT CONVENIENT?

Lana: IF YOU THINK THAT'S CONVENIENT, WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY NEW KITCHEN.

Malory: HA! SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, YOU SHOULD

LOOK THROUGH SOME OF HER DESIGN CATALOGS.

Cyril: SO, ZOOM, YOU'RE JUST JETTING OFF TO FRANCE.

ISN'T THAT KIND OF SUDDEN?

Lana: NO, BABY. SUDDEN IS WANTING TO MOVE IN

WITH SOMEBODY AFTER ONLY FOUR MONTHS.

Cyril: TALKING! JUST TALKING ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, GEEZ, I MOVED IN WITH MY LAST GIRLFRIEND AFTER FOUR WEEKS.

Lana: WHAT ARE YOU, A LESBIAN?

Pam: WHY? WOULD YOU BE INTO THAT? JUST CURIOUS.

WHICH WAS AN ODD WORD CHOICE RIGHT THERE, AND AM I TALKING OUT LOUD?

Malory: NOW REMEMBER.

I WANT THE ENTIRE DATA SYSTEM ON

THOSE NEW SERVERS, OR I WILL JUST MAKE IT RAIN PINK SLIPS!

FEAR IS A POOR MOTIVATOR.

Cyril: LANA, I WANT YOU TO CALL OR TEXT ME AT THE TOP OF

EVERY HOUR, AND I'LL CALL OR TEXT AT --

Lana: YEAH, I'M GONNA BE KIND OF BUSY, HON.

Cyril: WELL, IT'S ALL ON THE SCHEDULE.

Lana: OH, NO, HONEY, THE DOORS ARE CLOSING, AND I DIDN'T

- GET THE -- - Archer: OH. SO CLOSE.

Lana: SO, YOUR CONFERENCE WOULDN'T BE FOR CONTROL FREAKS

WHO HAVE TO MICROMANAGE EVERYTHING, WOULD IT?

Malory: NO! THAT'S NOT WHY I'M -- BUT, LOOK,

YOU BE CAREFUL WITH SKORPIO.

HE WON'T HESITATE TO KILL YOU.

Lana: UNLESS I GET SMOTHERED TO DEATH FIRST.

Malory: OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST PATHETIC.

BUT EVEN THOUGH CYRIL MAY BE CLINGY --

Lana: OH, SARAN WRAP COULD TAKE A LESSON.

Malory: YOU USED TO COMPLAIN

CONSTANTLY THAT STERLING WAS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT.

Lana: YEAH. I WAS JUST BEING NICE, THOUGH.

Malory: I WONDER IF HE'S LIKE

THAT BECAUSE I USED TO SPANK HIM WITH A WOODEN SPOON.

Lana: UH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

BUT IT MIGHT EXPLAIN THE PING-PONG PADDLE.

MERCI!

Malory: MY POINT IS, DEAR, YOU CAN TRUST CYRIL.

NOW, YOU GO HAVE A FUN ASSASSINATION.

Lana: UH, OKAY.

UH, AND YOU GO HAVE FUN AT YOUR THING.

Malory: OH, I WILL. BYE, DEAR.

DID YOU RENT A BOAT?

[ Russian accent ] DA!

IS VERY PRETTY NICE BOAT.

Malory: IT BETTER BE, MR. SEX TAPE.

AND YOU, SCUFF THAT LUGGAGE, AND

I'LL CUT YOUR HAMSTRINGS FOR YOU.

Pam: YOU KNOW, I THINK WE'RE MAKING SOME PROGRESS.

WHERE? IN OPPOSITE WORLD?

WE'RE NEVER GONNA FINISH ALL THIS.

Pam: WE CAN IF CERTAIN PEOPLE WOULD HELP.

Krieger: I'M SORRY, ARE YOU ADDRESSING ME?

BECAUSE YOUR AUTHORITY IS NOT RECOGNIZED IN FORT KICK-ASS.

UGH! MR. ARCHER, YOU COULD HELP.

Archer: HEY, I'M HELPING CYRIL.

TEXT HER AGAIN.

Cyril: I AM, IF YOU'D SHUT UP.

Archer: AND REALLY POUR OUT YOUR FEELINGS.

Pam: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. HE'S JUST TRYING TO --

Archer: SHUT UP! CYRIL, BARE YOUR SOUL.

SO, DID I SAY IS NICE BOAT, OR WHAT?

Malory: YES, NIKOLAI, YOU CERTAINLY DID.

WHICH HOPEFULLY EXPLAINS MY SHOCK AT FINDING MYSELF ABOARD THE CHUM GUZZLER!

[ CHUCKLES ]

I AM JUST GETTING THAT.

Malory: WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE NOT GETTING.

Cyril: GIVE IT TO ME! Pam: NO!

Cyril: PAM, I'M SERIOUS! GIVE ME MY PHONE!

Pam: CYRIL, GODDAMN IT.

YOU'RE SMOTHERING LANA.

Cyril: PAM, I WILL HIT YOU IN THE FACE!

OW!

Archer: DON'T LISTEN TO HER, CYRIL.

YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S ONE THING WOMEN TOTALLY LOVE, IT'S TO BE SMOTHERED BY MEN.

[ CHUCKLES ] LIKE YOU'D KNOW.

Archer: OR CHOKED, IN YOUR CASE.

Pam: CYRIL, TRUST ME. GIVE HER SOME SPACE.

Cyril: BUT WHY HASN'T SHE CALLED?

I MEAN, WHAT IF SHE'S IN DANGER OR --

Archer: CYRIL, COME ON! WORST-CASE SCENARIO, HER COVER

GOT BLOWN, AND SKORPIO'S RAPING HER SENSELESS BEFORE HE CHOPS

HER BATTERED CORPSE INTO FISH FOOD.

Cyril: OH, MY GOD. Pam: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Archer: WHAT? I SAID WORST-CASE.

KROSHKá, LEAVE THAT TO YOUR FIELD AGENT.

WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS MICROMANAGE?

Malory: I DON'T!

AND IF YOU WILL RECALL, I USED TO BE AN EXCELLENT FIELD AGENT.

DA.

IS WHY I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

Malory: MY GOD, KOLYA, WE WERE SO YOUNG. YOUNG. AND IN LOVE.

AND IN BERLIN.

Malory: ON THAT MAGICAL, MOONLIT NIGHT, BENEATH THE BRIDGE OF SPIES.

THE NIGHT BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART AND DISAPPEAR FOR NINE MONTHS.

Malory: KOLYA, THERE'S -- THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU.

[ SPUTTERS ] WHAT IS IN THIS DRINK?!

OH, SORRY. IS ICE FROM COOLER.

SOMEHOW IT GOT BUTTER ALL OVER IT.

[ WOMAN SCREAMS ]

HEY! DON'T BE QUEEN OF DRAMA.

Malory: THAT WASN'T ME, YOU IDIOT!

[ WOMAN SCREAMING ]

[ GASPS ]

OH, DEAR GOD.

Archer: CYRIL, STOP.

Cyril: IT'S LANA. HERE! GIVE ME!

Archer: IT'S MY PHONE.

PAM PUT YOURS IN THE BLENDER.

Pam: IT'S CALLED TOUGH LOVE, CYRIL.

Krieger: THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS PHONE.

Archer: MYELLO? MOTHER?

WHAT?! REALLY?

A-AND YOU'RE SURE IT WAS LANA?

Cyril: WHAT WAS LANA?! Archer: OKAY, I'M ON IT.

Cyril: COME ON! Archer: WHAT? YES. GOD!

Cyril: WHAT DID SHE SAY?

Archer: WELL, SHE'S STILL REALLY PRO-VASECTOMY.

Cyril: ABOUT LANA! Archer: OH, RIGHT. YEAH.

SO, UH, REMEMBER THAT WORST-CASE SCENARIO WE TALKED ABOUT?

Cyril: OH, MY GOD. Krieger: YES, I REMEMBER!

Cyril: ARCHER, IF ANYTHING -- Archer: CYRIL, RELAX.

I WILL RESCUE HER.

SO, KRIEGER, HOW'S ABOUT A ROADIE?

Archer: BECAUSE IT WOULD BE NICE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF DANGER I'M FACING HERE.

Malory: WHAT DANGER? THEY DO IT OUTPATIENT.

Archer: WHA-- NOT THE VASECTOMY. THE RESCUE.

Malory: HOW WOULD I KNOW? I'M AT A CONFERENCE.

Archer: WAIT A MINUTE. Malory: YOU DON'T HAVE A MINUTE!

NOW, WILL YOU JUST PUT A LID ON IT?!

Archer: ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING. GOD!

SHITTY FLYING RATS!

Malory: JUST PUT THE DAMN LID ON IT!

Archer: COMMENCE OPERATION SOMETHING ABOUT I RESCUE LANA

AND SHE BEGS ME TO TAKE HER BACK, SO THEN CYRIL COMMITS SUICIDE.

SWEAR TO GOD I HAD SOMETHING FOR THIS.

Pam: SERIOUSLY.

ARE YOU PEOPLE JUST BAILING ON THIS WHOLE ASSIGNMENT OR WHAT?

Cyril: WHO GIVES A GOSH DAMN ABOUT THAT?!

LANA'S CAPTURED, MAYBE EVEN --

Pam: RESCUED! KENNY CRYBABY! COME ON!

I BET MR. ARCHER ALREADY WENT ALL DOUBLE-"O"-NINJA ON SKORPIO'S ASS!

Krieger: WHA-CHA! KARATE SOUND.

Cyril: YOU REALLY THINK SO?

CYRIL, RIGHT THIS SECOND, I BET HE'S UNTYING LANA, TAKING

OFF HER BALL GAG, AND SHE'S LOOKING UP INTO HIS STEELY BLUE

EYES AND PARTING HER MOIST LIPS...

Cyril: WAIT A MINUTE. Pam: YEAH, HANG ON, CRAZY PANTS.

Krieger: LET HER TALK, WOMAN!

...AS HE TAKES HER IN HIS RIPPLING RAMBO-Y ARMS, THROWS HER DOWN...

Cyril: OH, MY GOD!

...AND THEN UNH, UNH!

Cyril: [ CRYING ]

YEAH! OH, YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT!

GIVE IT TO ME! UNH!

Pam: DAMN IT. LOOK WHAT YOU -- SHOULDN'T YOU BE OFF COOKING A RABBIT SOMEWHERE?

Krieger: I'VE GOT SOME IN THE LAB.

I MEAN, MAYBE IT'S NOT THAT. BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

Cyril: GIVE ME THAT!

Archer: UGH. JESUS, GOD.

I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU A FAKE NUMBER.

Cyril: WHAT? ARCHER, IT'S ME.

Archer: CYRIL? HEY, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

Cyril: WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD, MR. MAN!

NOW, YOU JUST PUT LANA ON THE PHONE.

Archer: WELL, CYRIL, I CAN'T REALLY DO THAT EITHER.

Cyril: UH, HE SAYS HE CAN'T PUT HER ON.

[ GASPING ]

Cyril: ARCHER, PUT HER ON THE PHONE!

Archer: CYRIL, BUDDY, LOOK. WHEN I SEE HER, I WILL TELL HER TO CALL YOU.

BUT I CAN'T FRICKIN' TALK RIGHT NOW!

Cyril: ARCHER? HELLO? HE HUNG UP.

PROBABLY 'CAUSE HE'S ALL...

[ GRUNTING ]

Cyril: OH, MY GOD! I CAN'T BREATHE.

[ CRYING ]

Archer: [ GURGLING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

Cyril: [ CRYING ]

Pam: AND THAT'S THE REASON I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH MY CO-WORKERS.

THAT AND NO ONE EVER LETS ME.

Krieger: I'VE HAD GOOD RESULTS WITH ETHER.

Cyril: [ WAILING ]

Archer: [ GURGLING ]

Malory: OH, MY GOD. NIKOLAI, SOMETHING'S WRONG!

IT'S JUST FAT DRIPPING FROM KEBABS.

Malory: NOT THAT! KOLYA, MY PEOPLE NEED HELP!

DO YOU HAVE ANY KGB AGENTS NEARBY?

MEH...

Malory: "MEH" WHAT?!

I JUST DON'T FEEL SO COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING KGB OPERATIONS WITH YOU.

Malory: I TELL YOU EVERYTHING!

DA. BUT IS A LITTLE... UNPROFESSIONAL.

Archer: SWEAR TO GOD, LANA

BETTER BE DEAD ON A SLAB OR

BEGGING FOR MERCY OVER A VAT OF

ACID OR A SHARK TANK OR --

DRINKING CHAMPAGNE IN A BIKINI?!

Lana: AH, SCREW ME!

Skorpio: [ Greek accent ] TWO MINUTES, MY LOVE!

I'M JUST NOW AGAIN RESHAVING MY BALLS AGAIN!

Lana: FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO INTERFERE WITH MY OPERATION!

AND NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF YOUR BEESWAX, BUT I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH SKORPIO!

- Archer: OH, REALLY? - Lana: NO! GOD!

I JUST KEPT PUTTING HIM OFF, MAKING HIM RESHAVE HIS BALLS.

Archer: AH. SO YOU CAN HANG OUT ON A BOAT?

Lana: IT'S A MEGA YACHT!

AND I JUST -- [SIGHS] I NEEDED A BREAK FROM CYRIL.

Archer: WHO THINKS YOU GOT CAPTURED OR KILLED. WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

Lana: UM...

[ SCREAMING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, MY GOD!

UH, I ACTUALLY FORGET WHAT THAT WAS.

I'VE BEEN HITTING THE SAUCE PRETTY HARD.

Archer: JESUS, YOU ARE SO IRRESPONSIBLE.

Lana: OH, REALLY? GO ASK PITA WHO'S IRRESPONSIBLE.

Archer: HEY, SHE KNEW THE JOB WAS RISKY GOING IN.

AND SINCE YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR JOB --

Lana: I WILL! ALL RIGHT? JUST GIVE ME, LIKE, A WEEK.

Archer: TOO LATE!

YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE, AND YOU BLEW IT.

NOW, HOW'S MY DISGUISE?

Lana: UH, IT DEPENDS.

WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE,

TOPPER BOTTOMS, STERN YET SENSUAL SKIPPER OF THE U.S.S. ROUGH SERVICE?

[ LAUGHS ]

Archer: WHAT? THEY'RE YOUR CLOTHES, IDIOT.

Lana: UGH! DAMN IT.

THAT WAS THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN.

Archer: THERE'S A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN?

Lana: OH, THERE'S EVERYTHING, GREAT CHAMPAGNE, RIDICULOUS

FOOD, A WHOLE, LIKE, SQUAD OF HOT LITTLE FILIPINA MASSEUSES.

Archer: SKEET? Lana: PROBABLY.

AND I JUST REALLY NEED SOME "ME" TIME BEFORE I HAVE TO GO BACK TO CYRIL AND HIS WHOLE --

Archer: CURIOUSLY OPPRESSIVE BRAND OF LOVE?

Lana: I MEAN, COME ON. HAVEN'T I EARNED THAT?

Archer: YES, WE HAVE. I'M STAYING.

Lana: NO! Archer: YES.

Lana: NO, YOU ARE NOT!

Archer: YES, I AM, OR WOULD YOU PREFER I TELL CYRIL YOU SLEPT WITH SKORPIO?

Lana: [ GASPS ] EVEN YOU WOULDN'T STOOP THAT LOW.

Archer: LANA, COME ON. THIS IS ME. REMEMBER?

Lana: [ GROANS ]

Malory: UNPROFESSIONAL?!

FROM THE MAN WHO USED AN ENTIRE

KGB SURVEILLANCE TEAM JUST TO

MAKE A SEX TAPE OF ME?!

[ LAUGHS ] AND ENTIRE KGB ART DEPARTMENT TO

AIRBRUSH WRINKLES OFF YOUR OLD ASS.

Malory: I WANT TO LEAVE, PLEASE, RIGHT NOW.

SO WHO'S STOPPING YOU?

[ GRUNTS ]

Skorpio: MMM.

SMILES, EVERYONE. SMILES.

FOR THIS PARTY, EVERYTHING MUST

BE AS PERFECT AS MY BEAUTIFUL COMPANION.

Lana: [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

Skorpio: BECAUSE IN ONE HOUR,

THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS

TERRORISTS WILL GATHER HERE ON

THE ARGO TO BID ON MY HUMBLE WARES.

WAIT! WAIT! YOU!

CHOCOLATE-FOUNTAIN GUY, YOU LOOK, UH...

DIFFERENT. Lana: [ GASPS ]

Archer: UM, I GUESS I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT.

Skorpio: YES, I CAN SEE THAT.

QUICK, BRING ME SOME DUCT TAPE.

Archer: I, UH -- Skorpio: BECAUSE THIS MALAKA IS RIPPED!

[ LAUGHTER ]

COME, MY DEAR.

BEFORE THE PARTY, I MUST RELAX...

ON TOP OF YOU.

Lana: UGH.

Skorpio: NO EXCUSES, EH?

MY BALLS ARE SMOOTH.

Lana: AND YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT.

Skorpio: NOT AS MUCH AS I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

Lana: [ SHUDDERS ]

Skorpio: SO YOU, MALAKA,

BRING PLENTY OF IT, YES.

Archer: I-I WOULD PREFER NOT TO.

"BARTLEBY THE SCRIVENER"? ANYBODY?

NOT A BIG MELVILLE CROWD HERE, HUH?

HE'S NOT AN EASY READ.

Cyril: AND I DROVE HER RIGHT INTO HIS ARMS.

HIS BIG, TAN, MUSCLE-BULGEY ARMS.

Cyril: [ CRYING ] Pam: CYRIL, COME ON.

DON'T LISTEN TO --

WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR NAME NOW, ANYWAY?

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER.

Pam: EXACTLY!

Krieger: [ SNORTING ] Pam: SO, WHAT YOU SNORTING OFF ME?

Krieger: IT'S MOSTLY MSG.

Pam: THE FLAVOR ENHANCER!

WHICH YOU SO NEED.

Pam: PIPE DOWN, PIPE CLEANER!

AND, CYRIL, IT'S A RESCUE MISSION, OKAY?

PROBABLY FRAUGHT WITH DANGER.

Cyril: YOU REALLY THINK SO?

Pam: I BET THEY'RE FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES.

Lana: WOW.

Archer: YEAH. THAT --

Skorpio: [ CHUCKLES ]

Archer: THAT GOT A LITTLE DARK.

Skorpio: SO, NOW WE HAVE CHAMPAGNE, HUH?

Lana: UM, GOT ANYTHING A LITTLE STRONGER?

Archer: OR WAY STRONGER, LIKE POISON?

Skorpio: HMM. I THINK I HAVE JUST THE THING.

Archer: OH, MY GOD!

Skorpio: READY THE SHARK TANK

FOR MY GUESTS, AGENTS ARCHER AND

KANE, OF ISIS!

Lana: YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME?!

Skorpio: HOW YOU SAY... WOMP-WOMP.

ALL RIGHT, YOU HEARD MR. SKORPIO.

Skorpio: NO, JUST "SKORPIO."

REMEMBER HOW WE'RE DOING THAT FROM NOW ON?

SORRY, SIR.

Archer: UH, HANG ON JUST ONE SECOND.

Skorpio: WHERE WAS THIS ENTHUSIASM BEFORE?

Lana: I KNOW, RIGHT?

NOW HE WANTS TO CONTRIBUTE.

Archer: [ LAUGHS ] FUNNY.

ACTUALLY, I'M GETTING THIS!

OH, NO! GRENADE!

Archer: I HAD SOMETHING FOR THIS, TOO.

UM...DAMN IT.

EAT GRENADE, STUPIDS.

Malory: OH, WELL, NOW WHAT?!

UGH! ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Lana: WHERE'D YOU GET A GRENADE?

Archer: HANGING FROM THE LAMPSHADE.

Lana: WAIT. WHAT? [ GUNSHOTS ]

Skorpio: [ COUGHING ]

SOULATKA POUTANA!

Lana: WHAT? DID HE JUST CALL ME A WHORE?!

Archer: NOW, WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE DO THAT?

BECAUSE HE TURNS WOMEN INTO WHORES!

JUST ASK HIS SLUTTY MEXICAN COOK!

Pam: OH, MY GOD! YES!

WE SHOULD CALL HER!

BECAUSE I WOULD LITERALLY MURDER

SOMEBODY FOR SOME MIGAS RIGHT NOW.

Krieger: EVERY SINGLE NOUN AND VERB IN THAT SENTENCE TOTALLY AROUSES ME.

Pam: AND I AM SO OPEN TO THAT. AND, CYRIL, IGNORE HER.

NOTHING'S GOING ON BETWEEN ARCHER AND LANA. ALTHOUGH...

Cyril: "ALTHOUGH" WHAT?

Pam: WELL, EVERY ISIS AGENT HAS A COMPANY-ISSUED LIFE-INSURANCE POLICY.

AND, UH... Cyril: AND WHAT?!

Archer: YOU'RE MY BENEFICIARY!

Lana: YOUR WHAT?!

Archer: ON MY COMPANY LIFE INSURANCE!

Lana: OH, MY GOD!

Archer: I MEAN, IF THIS GOES TITS-UP...

Lana: NOW? REALLY?

Archer: OH, RIGHT!

BECAUSE YOU WALKED INTO STRIPPERS DISCOUNT WAREHOUSE AND

SAID, "HELP ME SHOWCASE MY INTELLECT."

Lana: DISCOUNT?! HELLO! THIS IS FIACCI!

Archer: UH, I THINK IT'S PRONOUNCED "KNOCK-OFF."

UNH!

Lana: UGH!

RIGHT AFTER I GET BACK, I AM CHANGING THAT STUPID POLICY!

UGH! YES, YOU'RE MY BENEFICIARY.

Archer: [ LAUGHS ] HOW'D YOU GET LIFE INSURANCE?

DON'T THEY KNOW YOU'RE IN THE DANGER ZONE?

Cyril: BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

THEY COULD'VE FORGOTTEN TO FILL OUT NEW BENEFICIARY FORMS, OR --

Pam: THEY HAVE TO UPDATE THOSE "BENNIE" FORMS EVERY QUARTER.

[ CHUCKLES ] OUCH.

Cyril: BUT THAT MEANS -- OH, MY GOD!

Krieger: DAMN ASS-HAMMERED SHIT!

Pam: WHAT?! Krieger: BENEFITS!

OH, I FORGOT TO SPEND THE BALANCE IN MY GODDAMN FLEX ACCOUNT!

Pam: ARE YOU DATE OF EMPLOYMENT OR --

Krieger: CALENDAR YEAR! OUCH.

Cyril: THAT'S JUST LEAVING MONEY ON THE TABLE. HOW DID YOU FORGET THAT?

Krieger: I GUESS I WAS BUSY FANTASIZING ABOUT ARCHER AND LANA HAVING INTERCOURSE.

Cyril: [ WAILING ]

OUCH.

Pam: CYRIL, COME ON, HON. WE ALL WERE.

Archer: AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT.

Lana: I DON'T CARE! JUST LIKE I DON'T EVER THINK ABOUT YOU!

RELOADING! Archer: FIRING.

SO, WHEN YOU FILLED OUT YOUR INSURANCE FORMS, YOU WEREN'T

THINKING ABOUT MY TAN, MUSCULAR

ARMS OR MY ASS IN THE COMBAT-FIRING STANCE?

Lana: NO! I WASN'T! I DON'T!

I MEAN, I'M --

Archer: SO FULL OF SHIT, YOUR EYES ARE BROWN.

NO, THEY'RE -- OH, MY GOD.

THEY'RE GREEN. LIKE EMERALDS.

HOW DID I NEVER SEE THAT? LANA, YOUR EYES ARE AMAZING.

Lana: ARCHER -- Archer: I MEAN, NOT COMPARED TO YOUR TITS, BUT --

OW! OH!

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

Lana: YOU! AND PLUS, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

Archer: OH, RIGHT. HOW COULD I FORGET MR. CLING?

[ GRUNTING ]

Pam: CYRIL! CYRIL, COME ON! LET GO!

[ GRUNTS ]

GOD, HE'S STRONGER THAN HE LOOKS!

Krieger: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

BECAUSE THESE CORPORATE BAGMUNCHERS OWE ME $630 FOR MY

GODDAMN FLEX ACCOUNT!

Archer: UGH! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SHOT ME!

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THAT!

Lana: YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT!

Skorpio: KILL THEM, YOU FOOLS! KILL THEM!

Lana: OH, MY GOD.

I AM GONNA DIE, AND YOU ARE THE

LAST MAN I WAS IN BED WITH.

Archer: WELL, ONE OF THEM.

DON'T WORRY. I WON'T TELL CYRIL.

PROBABLY. [ GUN CLICKS ]

Lana: SHIT! I'M OUT OF AMMO!

ARCHER! Archer: LANA!

LANA, DO YOU TRUST ME?! Lana: WHAT? NO!

I DON'T TRUST YOU!

Archer: WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT.

Malory: OH, MY GOD!

NIKOLAI! OUR SON!

OUR WHAT?!

Malory: OH, SO, REMEMBER THAT

LITTLE SOMETHING I WANTED TO TELL YOU?

A "LITTLE SOMETHING"?

OH, THAT IS JUST CLASSIC YOU!

Malory: SO I'M A LITTLE LATE.

A LOT LATE!

NO ONE COULD HAVE SURVIVED THAT.

Archer: OH, MAN!

WHOO!

I AM AWESOME!

Lana: UGH, AND IT JUST KEEPS ON GETTING BETTER.

Archer: LANA?! Lana: ASSHOLE?

Archer: OH, MY GOD.

[ COUGHS ]

WAS THAT NOT EPIC? Lana: FIRST OF ALL --

Malory: NIKOLAI, LOOK. THEY'RE ALIVE!

OH, THANK GOD!

THANK GOD?!

FOR WHAT?!

THE LYING WOMAN I RISKED MY CAREER FOR?

THE SON SHE DON'T TOLD ME OF?

OR MAYBE MY DAMN SECURITY DEPOSIT?

Malory: PSH! SECURITY DEPOSIT.

WHAT WAS IT, A PAIR OF FLIP-FLOPS?

Archer: HALF THE BOUNTY. COME ON, I DESERVE IT.

Lana: HA! TOO BAD! SO YOU CAN JUST PADDLE THAT HOLE

IN YOUR FOOT RIGHT ON BACK TO YOUR CHEESY MEXICAN KITCHEN.

Archer: OH, I'LL GET A NEW KITCHEN.

BUT LET'S SEE YOU GET A NEW BOYFRIEND

AFTER I HAVE A LONG TALK WITH CYRIL.

Lana: HA! ABOUT WHAT, EXACTLY?

HOW YOU CRIED DURING A TWO-MAN THREESOME?

Archer: WOODEN SPOONS ARE A HUGE EMOTIONAL TRIGGER FOR ME, LANA.

Lana: YEAH, AND NOW I KNOW.

AND WHEN I TELL PAM, SO WILL EVERYBODY IN THE OFFICE!

Archer: OH, IS THAT HOW YOU WANT TO PLAY IT?

Lana: YEP! Archer: FINE!

KEEP YOUR STUPID BOUNTY, THEN.

AND KEEP YOUR PATHETIC, CLINGY BOYFRIEND.

Lana: I WILL!

OH, AND CYRIL MAY BE CLINGY, BUT

AT LEAST I KNOW I CAN TRUST HIM!

Cyril: OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

CYRIL, COME ON.

SNAP OUT OF IT. SERIOUSLY.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE BURNED DOWN THE MAINFRAME.

YOU REALLY NEED TO RELAX.

Cyril: HOW?!

MY LIFE IS RUINED! AGAIN!

LOOK, WHAT HAPPENS ON THIS SCRATCHY GREEN OFFICE RUG STAYS

ON THIS SCRATCHY GREEN OFFICE RUG, OKAY?

Cyril: YOU MEAN THIS, WHAT WE

JUST DID...

YOU'LL KEEP THIS OUR SECRET?

YEAH. GOD!

CYRIL, YOU CAN TRUST ME.

YOU KNOW, PROBABLY.

Cyril: WHA-- PROBABLY?!

WOMP-WOMP.