Original subtitles

Malory: UGH! UGH! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BIG, FAT, RUSSIAN SKULL?

OF ALL THE DUMB STUNTS YOU'VE --

NIKOLAI, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?

Jakov: WITH KGB SURVEILLANCE TEAM.

THEY -- Malory: NOT HOW HOW, YOU ASS.

WHY HOW? Jakov: FOR RECORD OF ACTIVITIES IN KRAKóW.

Malory: OH, SOME BLURRY 8mm OF --

Jakov: NO, WE HAVE THE DIGITAL HI-DEF NOW!

Malory: WONDERFUL -- SO THEY CAN BLOW IT UP FOR THE JURY AT MY TREASON TRIAL.

Jakov: IS AMAZING -- NO LOSS OF RESOLUTION.

Malory: DAMN YOUR BLOODSHOT EYES. I'M SERIOUS.

Jakov: I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU.

Malory: YOU LET THIS HAPPEN AND, BY DOING SO, JEOPARDIZED OUR ENTIRE OPERATION.

Jakov: DARLING, PLEASE, DON'T SAY THAT.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS RAMóN LIMóN GOT THE DISK.

HE MUST HAVE GONE ROGUE.

Malory: OH, ALL HISPANICS LOOK ROGUISH.

Ramón: [ Cuban accent ] THE KGB HAD NO IDEA ABOUT MY PLAN.

SO, PLEASE, DO NOT BLAME MAJOR JAKOV.

Malory: OH, RIGHT, HOW COULD I?

Ramón: THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT THE DISK DOES NOT FALL INTO THE WRONG HANDS.

Malory: YOU MEAN WRONGER HANDS.

Ramón: LIKE YOUR GOVERNMENT'S...OR MINE.

Malory: I FIND IT VERY SURPRISING THAT CASTRO OKAYED AN

OPERATION WITH SUCH POTENTIAL TO EMBARRASS THE SOVIETS.

Ramón: WELL, HE IS...

UNPREDICTABLE, WHICH IS WHY I'M PLANNING AHEAD FOR MY RETIREMENT IN BEAUTIFUL MIAMI.

Malory: AND SO, HERE ARE THE KEYS AND THE DEED TO MY CONDO IN SOUTH BEACH.

Ramón: A NICE START TO A NEW START.

BUT WHAT OF THE FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENTS?

Malory: YOU'LL GET THE MONEY WHEN I GET THE DISK.

AND IF YOU'VE MADE COPIES --

Ramón: I TRIED, BUT YOUR RUSSIAN WAS SMART ENOUGH TO COPY-PROTECT THE DISK.

Malory: YEAH, HE'S A REAL GENIUS.

Ramón: BUT IF YOU TRY TO DOUBLE-CROSS ME, WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT...KIND OF A...

MAN YOU ARE...DEALING WITH.

Malory: OH, RAMóN, I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF MAN YOU ARE.

Ramón: UH, QUé?

Malory: I SAID I COULD EAT THE ABSOLUTE PANTS OFF SOME SHRIMP.

Malory: I DON'T SUPPOSE HE'S UP.

Woodhouse: NO, MA'AM, AND FROM THE LOOKS OF IT -- NOT TO

MENTION THE LEMUR -- I WOULD HAZARD HE'S TAKING A PERSONAL DAY.

Malory: THE HELL HE IS.

Archer: WOODHOUSE, WE GOT ANY LUBE?

LIKE, AT THIS POINT, EVEN OLIVE OIL WOULD...

Malory: [ SIGHS ]

Archer: ...HELP ME GET THAT DRAWER UNSTUCK.

Malory: JESUS GOD, STERLING, SCHOOLGIRLS?

Archer: TH-THOSE ARE JUST COSTUMES.

Malory: AND I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES IT BETTER? Archer: DOESN'T IT?

OH, AND, UH, WOODHOUSE, I TOLD MY GUESTS YOU'D PACK THEIR LUNCH.

Woodhouse: I'LL DO MY BEST, SIR.

I'M AFRAID THE LEMUR GOT INTO THE PUDDING CUPS.

Archer: YEAH, LIKE I TOLD YOU HE WOULD, YOU IDIOT!

Malory: WILL YOU PLEASE FOCUS?

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE HONEYPOT.

Archer: SEDUCING AND BLACKMAILING A HOT FEMALE ENEMY AGENT.

I LOVE THE HONEYPOT. Malory: I'M SURE YOU DO.

BUT THIS TIME, YOU MAY NOT FIND THE TARGET...APPEALING.

Archer: WHAT? IS IT PAM?

SERIOUSLY, WHOEVER -- IT'S ALL THE SAME IN THE DA-- NO.

Malory: YES. Archer: NO.

Malory: YES. Archer: NO.

Malory: YES! Archer: COME ON, HAVE GILLETTE DO THIS.

Malory: STERLING, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN TRUST.

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON MISS GILLETTE.

Gillette: SHE HAS NEVER LIKED ME. [ EXHALES ]

BUT SOMEDAY I'M GONNA WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THIS PLACE, MM-HMM, A REAL SMACKEROONI.

Malory: STERLING, PLEASE, I NEED YOUR HELP!

THIS RAMóN LIMóN IS BLACKMAILING ME!

Archer: WITH WHAT? WHAT'S HE GOT ON YOU?

Malory: IT'S...NONE OF YOUR NOSY BEESWAX.

Archer: WELL, THEN IT SUCKS TO BE YOU.

Malory: YOU'LL BE WHOM IT SUCKS TO BE IF I HAVE TO CALL MY BRIDGE PARTNER.

Archer: OHH, WHO'S YOUR BRIDGE PARTNER?

Malory: THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY.

Archer: SO?

Woodhouse: SIR, THAT STOLEN LEMUR BIT ONE OF YOUR

PROSTITUTES RIGHT IN THE FACE, AND SHE SAYS SHE CAN'T GO TO

HOSPITAL BECAUSE SHE'S "TRIPPING BALLS."

Archer: YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I USED TO PRETEND YOU WEREN'T MY MOTHER?

[ ICE CUBES CLINKING ]

Malory: ME, TOO. Pam: BANG.

- [ KEY CLACKS ] - BANG.

[ KEY CLACKS ] EW. KILL.

- [ KEY CLACKS ] - BANG.

- [ KEY CLACKS ] - SHOCK. Pam: SHUT UP.

OH, MY GOD -- BANG.

Cyril: I HESITATE TO EVEN ASK.

WE'RE DOING "KILL, BANG, MARRY."

Cyril: AGAIN -- HESITATION.

Pam: IT'S ON THE ISIS INTRANET.

YOU CLICK THROUGH PICTURES OF EVERYBODY WHO WORKS HERE, AND SAY IF YOU'D RATHER --

KILL THEM OR BANG OR MARRY THEM.

Cyril: WOW, THAT IS ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE.

Pam: THAT'S WHAT I SAID, BUT IF YOU GO THROUGH THE WHOLE

LIST, YOU CAN SEE WHAT EVERYBODY SAID ABOUT EVERYBODY.

Cyril: EVERYBODY? LIKE --

LIKE LANA AND IF -- I DON'T KNOW -- MAYBE SHE SAID "BANG" ABOUT MR. ARCHER.

Cyril: I GOT UPS!

Pam: HEY --

Cyril: MOVE IT, CHUBS.

Malory: DR. KRIEGER'S COVERT TEAM INSTALLED THESE

SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS WHILE LIMóN WAS OUT SHOPPING YESTERDAY.

Krieger: YEP, WE'VE GOT VIDEO AND AUDIO, WITH A

SATELLITE FEED BACK TO THESE HARD DRIVES -- SAME SETUP I'VE GOT IN MY VAN.

Archer: JESUS, KRIEGER, YOU'RE STILL TAPING BUM FIGHTS?

Krieger: NO, NOW I'M INTO SOMETHING...DARKER.

Malory: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

SINCE THAT OBNOXIOUS LITTLE CASTRO IS SUCH A RAGING HOMOPHOBE...

Krieger: Fidel hates the gays.

Malory: ...IT'S A SAFE BET HE'D HAVE RAMóN KILLED IF HE EVER FOUND OUT HE WAS GAY.

SO, ONCE YOU SEDUCE HIM --

Archer: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I THOUGHT NOBODY ELSE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

Malory: HE WON'T REMEMBER.

Krieger: YEAH, NO, I'M --

I AM SHIT-FACED.

MS. ARCHER, YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL.

Malory: I'M BUSY. UM, WE ALL ARE.

Cyril: BANG. [ KEY CLACKS ] UH, KILL, I GUESS.

Pam: THANKS A LOT.

Cyril: IT'S A BAD PICTURE, PAM.

BUT HE SAYS IT'S URGENT --

SOMETHING ABOUT RECENT DEVELOPMENTS IN KRAKóW.

Malory: KRAKóW?

OH, FOR -- STERLING, GET TO MIAMI, AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE COMPLETED YOUR...

ASSIGNMENT.

Krieger: TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM, HUH? Archer: HOPEFULLY NOT.

Krieger: WELL, IF YOU DO, I'VE DEVELOPED A PROPRIETARY

CHEMICAL COMPOUND WHICH MAY COME IN HANDY.

I CALL IT "FORMULA 'K.'" Archer: AND IT MAKES YOU TEMPORARILY GAY?

Krieger: I DON'T KNOW.

JUST STARTED HUMAN TESTING...

by dosing Danny the intern's coffee.

Danny: DANNY IS DEFINITELY FEELING SOMETHING!

Archer: I THINK I'M GOING TO PASS.

Krieger: SUIT YOURSELF. [ GASPS ]

JUST MEANS MORE FOR ME AND DANNY.

Danny: WHO IS LOVING IT!

[ LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ]

Ramón: MAMá, POR FAVOR, NO COMIENZAS, EH?

Sí, MAMá, ESTOY BUSCANDO UNA NOVIA.

Woodhouse: I HAVE ASCERTAINED THE TARGET, SIR.

AND HE'S ACTUALLY QUITE HANDSOME.

Archer: AND I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES IT BETTER.

Woodhouse: DOESN'T IT?

Archer: NO, IT -- WOODHOUSE, THIS IS MIAMI.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY COOLER CLOTHES?

Woodhouse: NO, SIR, NOT ANYMORE.

Archer: AND YOUR SHOES!

BECAUSE HOW HARD IS IT TO POACH A GODDAMN EGG PROPERLY?!

SERIOUSLY, THAT'S LIKE, EGGS 101, WOODHOUSE.

Malory: NOW I KNOW YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.

YOU WANT ME TO DEFECT TO RUSSIA?

Jakov: JUST, YOU KNOW, IF THE WORST HAPPENS.

Malory: THAT IS THE WORST!

STANDING IN THE SNOW FOR BEET RATIONS IN MY BLAHNIKS?

Jakov: COME ON!

I'M HEAD OF KGB!

I HAVE MY BEETS DELIVERED.

Malory: NIKOLAI!

Jakov: FREE STOLICHNAYA, BELUGA CAVIAR, MY OWN PRIVATE LIMOUSINE.

THE SOVIET SYSTEM IS ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY UNFAIR.

Malory: AND IT JUST SOUNDS WONDERFUL, BUT --

Jakov: HEY, I'M JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE.

Malory: WELL, JUST PUT IT BACK IN.

YOU'RE THE WHOLE REASON I'M IN THIS MESS!

Jakov: I'M TRYING TO HELP.

I MEAN, IF THAT CUBAN DOES NOT FALL FOR THE HONEYPOT --

Malory: OH, I THINK HE WILL.

I'VE GOT MY TOP MAN ON IT...

OR POSSIBLY BOTTOM.

[ CHAIR LEGS SCREECH ]

Ramón: MAMá, TENGO QUE IRME.

[ KEYPAD BEEPS ] [ CLEARS THROAT ]

CAN I HELP YOU? Archer: WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

CAN YOU?

Ramón: IS THIS SOME SORT OF VIRAL MARKETING?

Archer: W-WHAT? NO, I MEANT --

Ramón: OR ARE YOU ASKING ME SPECIFICALLY IF I HAVE A PENIS?

Archer: UH, IT'S MORE OF A CONVERSATION STARTER.

Ramón: AND HERE'S A CONVERSATION ENDER -- ADIOS.

Charles: OHH! BILINGUAL SNAP! Rudi: [ SCOFFS ] THANK YOU.

Archer: DO YOU NOT SEE ME ROCKING THIS CHISELED SLAB OF HARD MAN-BODY?

I MEAN, COME ON!

ARE YOU GAY OR NOT?

Ramón: I AM, BUT YOU -- YOU ARE SO NOT MY TYPE.

Archer: WH-- HEY, I AM EVERYBODY'S TYPE!

Charles: OH, PLEASE.

Archer: WHAT?

Rudi: YOU ARE ENTIRELY TOO GAY.

Archer: NO, I'M NOT!

ARE YOU KIDDING?

Charles: OH, MY GOD, YOU, LIKE, SNEEZE GLITTER.

Rudi: THANK YOU.

Archer: SO, YEAH, I'M AN ISIS AGENT AND THAT RAMóN GUY'S A

CUBAN AGENT AND I'M SUPPOSED TO RUN WHAT WE CALL A HONEYPOT ON HIM.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE ALL THIS STUFF AND IT'S, LIKE, PORTABLE.

Charles: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BLAB ALL OVER THE WORLD THAT YOU'RE A SECRET AGENT.

Archer: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE A HAIRDRESSER AND RUDI'S AN INTERIOR DECORATOR.

Charles: OH, MY GOD, HE'S THE BEST IN MIAMI. Rudi: THANK YOU.

Woodhouse: YOU'RE QUITE WELCOME, SIR.

Rudi: IF I HAD A SPOON... Archer: NO, NO, DON'T --

Rudi: ...I WOULD EAT YOU UP. Archer: DON'T BE NICE TO HIM.

Charles: SO, THIS SPY AGENCY -- IS IT LIKE THE REAL

CIA, JAMES BOND-Y DEAL, OR WHAT?

Archer: CHARLES, ISIS EMPLOYS SOME OF THE WORLD'S FOREMOST

INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS, COVERT OPERATIVES, AND SCIENTISTS.

Lana: WAIT, DID CYRIL PLAY THIS STUPID GAME?

YOU'LL HAVE TO PLAY TO FIND OUT.

Danny: [ PANTING ]

Krieger: DANNY! DANNY, STOP RUNNING!

WE GOT TO KEEP THAT HEART RATE DOWN, BUDDY!

Lana: OKAY. Krieger: DANNY!

Lana: KILL. [ KEY CLACKS ] BANG. BANG.

[ KEY CLACKS ]

EW. KILL. Pam: WELL, THANKS A LOT!

Lana: PAM, IT'S A BAD PICTURE.

I THINK THAT'S HOT.

LIKE, SOMEBODY MURDERING ME -- IT'S SO...INTIMATE.

Archer: SO, YEAH, BASICALLY, WE'RE THE FRONT LINE IN THE FIGHT AGAINST TYRANNY.

Rudi: THANK YOU.

Woodhouse: MY PLEASURE, SIR.

Rudi: I WANT TO DRESS YOU UP LIKE A LITTLE GNOME AND JUST HAVE YOU LIVE IN MY GARDEN.

Woodhouse: I WOULD LIKE SOME NEW CLOTHES. Archer: SHUT UP.

BUT ALSO -- AND SPEAKING OF CLOTHES -- THESE SEEM WAY TOO NORMAL.

Charles: WHAT, "NORMAL" AS OPPOSED TO "GAY"?

Rudi: IMPLYING THAT "GAY" IS ABNORMAL?

Archer: NOT ABNORMAL, JUST... GAY.

Charles: LOOK, IN SPITE OF YOUR PERSONALITY, YOU GET PLENTY OF WOMEN, RIGHT?

Archer: DUH AND/OR HELLO!

Charles: SO, DUH AND/OR HELLO -- JUST ACT LIKE YOU NORMALLY DO AROUND WOMEN.

Archer: REALLY?

BECAUSE HOW HARD IS IT TO POACH A GODDAMN EGG PROPERLY?!

[ EXHALES ]

Woodhouse: I BELIEVE HE MEANS BEFORE YOU LURE THEM INTO THE APARTMENT, SIR.

Archer: OH, YEAH, THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.

SO, I JUST LIKE, WHAT, APPROACH HIM IN A BAR?

Rudi: YEAH, IF I WERE YOU, I'D TRY THE COCKFIGHT.

Archer: A COCKFIGHT?

Charles: YEAH, IT'S THE NAME OF A GAY BAR.

Rudi: BUT THEY ALSO HAVE ACTUAL COCKFIGHTS.

Charles: YEAH, LATINO MEN --

YOU TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOOD.

Archer: JESUS, MAN, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Ramón: YOU ARE -- BLONDE, BRUNETTE.

I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE.

Archer: IS THAT WHERE WE LANDED ON THAT...

Ramón: DIOS MíO.

IS YOUR EGO SO LARGE YOU CANNOT HANDLE A SINGLE REJECTION?

Archer: YES. LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK.

Ramón: I ALREADY HAVE A DRINK.

WHY DON'T YOU BUY HIM ONE?

HE COULD USE IT.

[ CRYING ]

Archer: W-W-WHY DON'T WE ALL HAVE ONE AND... TALK ABOUT IT.

[ CRYING INTENSIFIES ]

Rudi: SERIOUSLY, WOODHOUSE, HOW CAN YOU BE SO TOTALLY AWESOME AND NOT BE GAY?

Woodhouse: WELL, I WAS VERY FOND OF A BOY AT SCHOOL ONCE --

REGGIE THISTLETON.

BUT HE DIED IN THE WAR, AT FLANDERS.

Rudi: FLANDERS? Charles: WHAT WAR WAS THAT?

Woodhouse: OH, THE GREAT WAR.

Rudi: THEY'RE ALL GREAT.

Charles: OH, MY GOD, YES, THOSE NAZI UNIFORMS?

Rudi: HUGO BOSS! Charles: SHUT UP.

Rudi: SWEAR TO GOD.

AND LOOK AT SLUT JUST GETTING HOME.

Charles: WELL, I GUESS OUR ADVICE WORKED.

Archer: NO, IT DIDN'T.

RAMóN BLEW ME OFF.

Rudi: THEN WHERE WERE YOU ALL NIGHT?

Archer: WAY THE CHRIST OUT IN THE EVERGLADES, BURYING SOME DOMINICAN GUY'S ROOSTER!

Charles: FUN! OH, YOU MEAN LITERALLY.

Archer: YES! Charles: SORRY.

Archer: I MEAN, LOOK AT MY CLOTHES.

AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING, WOODHOUSE?

Woodhouse: I -- Charles: WE BOUGHT THOSE FOR HIM, AND IF YOU THROW THEM OFF

THE ROOF, I WILL FLY TO NEW YORK AND FLING ACID IN YOUR FACE.

Rudi: THANK YOU. [ CELL PHONE RINGING ]

Archer: OH, GREAT. [ KEYPAD BEEPS ]

MOTHER, I HAVE NOTHING TO REPORT YET.

THIS IS A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

Malory: HOW HARD COULD IT BE TO TALK A GAY MAN INTO HAVING ANONYMOUS SEX?

Charles: DO YOU SEE THE STEREOTYPES WE PUT UP WITH?

Archer: LOOK, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DEALING WITH.

Malory: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DEALING WITH!

Jakov: SEE? HERE IS MY NICE BUILDING, MY LIMOUSINE, MY MOTHER.

OH, AND MY APARTMENT IS TWO BEDROOMS, SO SHE WON'T EVEN HAVE TO MOVE OUT.

Malory: SO, YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME, MR. MAN -- GET ME SOME

VIDEO OF HOT MAN-ON-MAN ACTION BY TONIGHT OR DON'T BOTHER COMING HOME.

[ KEYPAD BEEPS ] Charles: SHE SOUNDS FABULOUS.

Archer: YEAH, SHE'S ACTUALLY NOT.

Charles: BUT THE STEREOTYPE THING HAS GOT ME THINKING

BECAUSE -- LET'S SEE -- RAMóN IS LATINO.

Rudi: AND LATINOS ARE ALL ABOUT MACHISMO.

Charles: SO, YOU MAY HAVE TO OUT-MACHO HIM.

Archer: [ Effeminate voice ] OUT-MACHO A GAY GUY? OH, MY STARS!

Charles: OR -- WAIT -- YOU COULD JUST BE A SARCASTIC BITCH YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

Rudi: THANK YOU.

Malory: WAIT A -- DID YOU SET THIS WHOLE THING UP JUST SO I'D

HAVE TO COME LIVE WITH YOU AND YOUR MOTHER?

Jakov: NO! IT WAS MERELY INCOMPETENCE!

Malory: AND I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES IT BETTER?

Jakov: DOESN'T IT? Archer: WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW RAMóN'S PLAYING JAI ALAI RIGHT NOW?

Charles: UM, HE'S LATINO.

Rudi: SO, IT'S EITHER THAT OR DOMINOES.

Charles: STEREOTYPES EXIST FOR A REASON.

OKAY, WE'RE OFF TO GET OUR SCROTUMS WAXED.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

Ramón: ...CUANTAS VECES --

Archer: RAMóN, HEY!

I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU!

Ramón: Puta madre.

MAMá, HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK. [ KEYPAD BEEPS ]

DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP?

Archer: NOT WHEN IT COMES TO SOMEBODY REFUSING TO HAVE SEX

WITH ME -- YOU KNOW, CONSENSUALLY OR WHATEVER.

Ramón: HMM.

Archer: SO, ME AND YOU, ONE ON ONE -- LOSER HAS TO DO WHATEVER THE WINNER SAYS.

Ramón: IF I WIN, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

Archer: FINE, BUT IF I WIN, WE GO TO YOUR PLACE AND HAVE, YOU KNOW, GAY SEX.

Ramón: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN PLAYED JAI ALAI?

Archer: UH, ACTUALLY, LACROSSE, BUT IT'S JAI ALAI FOR WHITE PEOPLE.

Ramón: LACROSSE IS GAY.

Archer: YOU'RE GAY.

I MEAN, I AM, TOO. WE'RE BOTH GAY.

Ramón: SERIOUSLY, I CAN SERVE THIS PELOTA ALMOST 200 MILES AN HOUR.

Archer: BIG WHOOP, THAT LITTLE SQUISHY -- JESUS!

IS THIS MADE OF LIMESTONE?!

Ramón: IT'S A DANGEROUS GAME, AMIGO.

Archer: YEAH, WELL, I'M DANGEROUS AND I'M GONNA WIN AND GAY SEX.

Ramón: [ Chuckling ] OKAY. GO STAND OVER THERE.

Archer: WHERE? OVER HERE?

Ramón: MM, LITTLE MORE FAR.

Archer: WHAT? HERE?

Ramón: Sí, Sí, THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT THERE.

Archer: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE SAYING WHEN I'M, UH, ALL INSIDE YOU WITH GAY SEX.

Ramón: VAMOS A VER. ARE YOU READY?

Archer: YEAH, I'M READY.

WAIT. WAIT. DO I NEED A HELMET?

Ramón: PROBABLY. Archer: WAIT, WHAT?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL...

YOU ARE PLAYING A VERY DANGEROUS GAME, STERLING ARCHER OF ISIS.

Archer: [ GROANING ]

Ramón: THERE HE IS.

WELCOME BACK, AMIGO.

Archer: JESUS CHRIST...

WHO APPARENTLY USES THE SAME AWFUL DECORATOR AS MY MOTHER.

Ramón: TRUST ME -- WHOEVER DECORATED THIS CONDO IS NOT IN HEAVEN.

AND NEITHER ARE YOU, AGENT STERLING ARCHER OF ISIS.

Archer: WAIT. YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Ramón: DUH AND/OR HOLA!

Archer: SO, YOU KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

Ramón: I ASSUME BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER FORCED YOU TO POSE AS A

GAY MAN IN THE HOPES OF CATCHING ME IN A -- HOW YOU SAY? -- POT OF HONEY.

Archer: YEAH, WHICH IS JUST SO JUST CLASSIC HER.

Ramón: OHH, YOU SHOULD MEET MY MOTHER. SHE --

Archer: NO, NO, NO, SHUT UP. LISTEN, MY MOTHER --

[ CELL PHONES RINGING ]

Archer: OH, MY GOD, THAT'S HER.

Ramón: AY, DIOS MíO, IT'S HER!

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

[ KEYPADS BEEP ]

VIVA LA REVOLUCIóN DE LOS HIJOS!

Archer: I C-- I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HUNG UP ON THEM.

THAT WAS SO THOROUGHLY AWESOME.

Ramón: THIS IS AWESOME. HERE, TRY IT.

Archer: NO, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, IT'S RAW, MAN. Ramón: NO.

THE CITRIC ACID FROM THE LIMES ACTUALLY COOKS THE FISH.

TRY IT. Archer: MMM. MMM. OH, MY, RAMóN.

Ramón: RIGHT? Archer: THAT IS AMAZING.

Ramón: MAMá ALWAYS SAID, "RAMóN, UN HOMBRE REAL DEBE SABER COCINAR."

Archer: MINE ALWAYS SAID, "STERLING, COME IN HERE AND CHECK ME FOR LUMPS."

HOLY SHIT. WAS THAT OUT LOUD? Ramón: HEY, IT'S OKAY.

THIS IS A SAFE PLACE.

Archer: YEAH, BUT IT -- BUT IT'S NOT, THOUGH.

Ramón: ARE YOU REFERRING TO THESE?

Archer: HA! YOU FOUND KRIEGER'S CAMERAS?

Ramón: I THINK HE IS NOT SO GOOD AT HIS JOB.

Krieger: [ Crying ] DANNY!

Archer: DUDE, THAT WHOLE AGENCY'S NOT SO GOOD AT THEIR JOBS.

Lana: [ YAWNS ] KILL.

- [ KEY CLACKS ] - KILL.

[ KEY CLACKS ]

GOD, WHEN DO I GET TO THE END SO I CAN SEE WHAT CYRIL SAID?

YOU SERIOUSLY DON'T THINK THAT'S HOT?

Pam: I SERIOUSLY THINK YOU'RE SCARY.

NO, NO, NO, NO. LIKE, A BIG, SWEATY FIREMAN CARRIES YOU OUT OF A BURNING

BUILDING, LAYS YOU ON THE SIDEWALK, AND YOU THINK, "YEAH,

OKAY, HE'S GONNA GIVE ME MOUTH TO MOUTH," BUT INSTEAD HE JUST

STARTS CHOKING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

AND THE LAST SENSATION THAT YOU FEEL BEFORE YOU DIE IS HE IS

SQUEEZING YOUR THROAT SO HARD THAT A BIG, WET BLOB OF DROOL DRIPS OFF HIS TEETH AND JUST --

FLERP! -- FALLS RIGHT ONTO YOUR POPPED-OUT EYEBALL.

Pam: JESUS CHRIST.

I KNOW, RIGHT? Lana: WHAT THE HELL?!

I'M WET JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

Lana: CYRIL!! CYRIL, YOU GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!

IS SHE FREAKING 'CAUSE CYRIL SAID HE WANTED TO BANG DANNY THE INTERN?

Pam: NO, I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE HE SAID HE WANTED TO MARRY HER.

SHE'S SO WEIRD.

HEY, WILL YOU CHOKE ME A LITTLE BIT?

Ramón: PSH!

THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THE PENDEJOS I HAVE TO WORK WITH.

Archer: WELL, AT LEAST YOU HAVEN'T BANGED HALF OF THEM LIKE YOURS TRULY.

Ramón: I CAN'T.

IF FIDEL FINDS OUT I'M GAY, HE'D -- WELL, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.

Archer: AND MAYBE IT'S THE CONCUSSION, BUT I SERIOUSLY FEEL CRAPPY ABOUT THAT.

Ramón: NO, I FEEL CRAPPY.

I SHOULD NOT HAVE TRIED TO BLACKMAIL YOUR MOTHER.

Archer: YEAH, WHAT'S ON THIS THING, ANYWAY?

[ WOOD BREAKING ]

Charles: GET ON THE FLOOR, YOU TACKY-ASS, "WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY WEARING" BITCHES!

Rudi: THANK YOU! Archer: CHARLES AND RUDI?!

WHAT THE -- Ramón: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

Charles: SORRY, WE'RE A HIT SQUAD -- FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

Rudi: TURNS OUT FIDEL IS UNHAPPY THAT ONE OF HIS TOP AGENTS IS GAY!

Ramón: AY, DIOS MíO!

Charles: HEY, SAVE YOUR BREATH FOR COOLING YOUR CEVICHE.

Ramón: CEVICHE IS ALREADY --

Charles: I KNOW!

Archer: YOU DICKS WERE WORKING FOR CASTRO THIS WHOLE TIME?

Charles: POSITUTELY, YES.

BUT WE WERE HAVING SUCH A BLAST HANGING WITH WOODHOUSE --

Rudi: WHO IS FINE, BY THE WAY.

Charles: I AM GENUINELY SORRY ABOUT THIS.

Woodhouse: BUT MAY I KEEP THE CLOTHES?

Rudi: FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

NOT THAT YOU CARE!

Archer: YEAH, I ACTUALLY DON'T!

SO, ARE YOU TWO EVEN REALLY GAY?

Charles: AS BIG OLD TANGERINES, YES.

Ramón: THEN HOW CAN YOU WORK FOR CASTRO?

YOU KNOW HIS STANCE ON HOMOSEXUALITY.

Charles: BECAUSE, COMMIE, I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED A MORTGAGE.

Archer: HEY, WHOA, WHOA.

IF THIS IS ABOUT MONEY, I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO'D PAY A WHOLE LOT OF MONEY TO GET THIS BACK.

Ramón: STERLING, NO! Archer: RAMóN, SHUT UP.

Charles: YEAH, LET THE MUMMY TALK.

Ramón: I CAN'T LET YOU DO THIS.

Archer: WHAT THE -- Ramón: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, BASTARDOS!

[ RAPID GUNFIRE ]

Charles: LET'S OUTSOURCE IT TO SOME CRACKED-UP [BLEEP] --

THAT'S WHAT I SAID. KNOW WHY?

Rudi: SO YOU COULD BE ALL LITTLE MISS "HINDSIGHT'S 20/20"!

Ramón: HERE, TAKE THIS!

Archer: WHY DID YOU HAVE A SALAD GUN?

Ramón: HEY, I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU.

Archer: OH, YOU ARE JUST THE WORST KIND OF --

Ramón: ME? YOUR MOTHER STARTED ALL OF THIS.

Archer: SO, GIVE THEM THE FRICKING DISK!

Ramón: IF I DO THAT, IT WILL BECOME PUBLIC, AND IF YOU SEE

WHAT'S ON THIS DISK -- WELL, IF YOU WEREN'T GAY, YOU WILL BE.

Archer: [ LAUGHS ] WHAT IS IT, A SEX TAPE OF MOTHER?

Ramón: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

Archer: OH, MY -- [ VOMITS ]

Ramón: BUT THERE, YOU SEE? IT'S GONE NOW.

Archer: OH, GOD. Ramón: SO, IT'S OKAY.

JUST LET IT ALL OUT.

Charles: JESUS GOD, DO YOU LADIES WANT TO PUT ON YOUR

NIGHTGOWNS, CRACK OPEN A TUBE OF COOKIE DOUGH, AND JUST TALK IT OUT?

Archer: GOD DAMN IT!

YOU KNOW, WE'RE DEALING WITH SOME PROFOUND ISSUES HERE, YOU QUEER!

Ramón: WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

Archer: SORRY, I-I MEANT "HOMOSEXUAL."

Ramón: NO, YOU IDIOTO, WE HAVE A FINITE NUMBER OF BULLETS.

[ GUN CLICKING ] Archer: OH. MY BAD.

Ramón: [ Mockingly ] "OH, MY BAD."

[ GUN CLICKING ]

Ramón: PUTA MADRE. Archer: NOW WHO FEELS STUPID?

Charles: MY GUESS IS BOTH OF YOU.

Rudi: SINCE THE LAST THING YOU SEE IS GONNA BE THAT HORRIFIC SOFA.

Archer: OH, SHUT UP.

I BET YOU'RE NOT EVEN A REAL INTERIOR DECORATOR.

Charles: WELL, HE'S NOT LICENSED OR ANYTHING, BUT HE'S GOT A REAL FLAIR FOR IT --

Rudi: THANK YOU!

Charles: SO, HOW ABOUT STAND UP AND LET US PAINT THE WALLS WITH YOUR BRAINS?

Ramón: TAKE THIS.

Archer: JESUS, A CLAYMORE?

Ramón: I CAN EXPLAIN --

Archer: YOU WERE GONNA FRAG ME?

Ramón: NO, THIS WAS FOR DECORATING.

WHAT? LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO START FROM SCRATCH.

Archer: I DON'T KNOW. THE KITCHEN'S NOT BAD.

Charles: OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU KIDDING?

THAT KITCHEN'S AWFUL. OH, CRAP.

Rudi: NO, THANK YOU.

Archer: [ COUGHS ]

RAMóN, WAS THAT NOT TOTALLY EPIC?

Ramón: Sí, STERLING, BECAUSE YOU LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.

Archer: NO, NO, NO, BECAUSE MY MOTHER'S CONDO GOT TRASHED!

GOD, SHE IS GONNA FREAK WHEN --

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHERE'S CHARLES AND RUDI?

Ramón: HMM.

I THINK THEY MUST HAVE ESCAPED, HOWEVER IMPLAUSIBLE THAT MAY SEEM.

Archer: THAT DOES SEEM IMPLAUSIBLE.

Ramón: AND SO I MUST NOW GO INTO HIDING.

FIDEL WILL KEEP SENDING HIT SQUADS, AND HE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I AM DEAD.

Archer: SO, WHAT, JUST A LIFE ON THE RUN?

Ramón: Sí, JUST LIKE EL DR. DAVID BANNER.

Archer: HOW DO YOU SAY "THE HULK" IN SPANISH?

Ramón: "EL HULK." Archer: GAY.

Ramón: WHAT? WE DON'T HAVE A WORD FOR "HULK."

Archer: YOU HAVE A WORD FOR "GAY?"

Ramón: "GAY." Archer: GAYER!

JESUS, SPANISH, OUR JOBS AREN'T ENOUGH?

NOW YOU GOT TO TAKE OUR WORDS?

Ramón: STERLING! Archer: I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

IT WAS RACIST, AND EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE GONNA SHOOT AND/OR FRAG

ME, I REALLY FEEL LIKE WE HAD A KIND OF A CONNECTION.

Ramón: [ Crying ] I'M SAD BECAUSE WE HAD A CONNECTION, AND NOW --

Archer: NOW I FEEL LIKE A DICK, SO, COME ON -- LET ME TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN.

Ramón: HOW?

Archer: WELL, THE BEDROOM WAS UNTOUCHED BY THE EXPLOSION.

Ramón: I'M LISTENING.

Archer: SO, LET'S BLOW THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

Ramón: OH. I THOUGHT YOU MEANT YOU WANTED TO...

Archer: [ LAUGHS ] RAMóN!

Ramón: AND JUST WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY?

Archer: NOT THAT.

WOODHOUSE -- HE'S ALL TIED UP SOMEWHERE, SCA-- [ LAUGHS ] --

SCARED AND ALONE...

[ LAUGHS ]

...PROBABLY DEHYDRATED!