All language subtitles for Archer - S01E04 - Killing Utne.en

[beeping]

Tovald Utne.

[Archer]
The olympic shot putter?

The chairman of the U.N.
Intelligence committee.

Do you not even skim
the briefings in your inbox?

I have an inbox?

Utne, decides which spy agency
gets the, insanely lucrative,
U.N. contract.

And as you may or...

...probably don't know,
for six years running,
the contract has gone to ODIN.

Ugh, the Organization
of Douchebags in-in--

Wait, I had something for this.

Douchebaggery notwithstanding--
- Nowhere still.

Their ground floor
isn't a laundromat!
- Wash and fold.

ISIS needs that U.N. contract.
- Technically.

So I am going to woo
Mr. Torvald Utne.

Gross.

With a dinner party, tonight.

And, you're uninviting me
in advance?
- Normally, yes.

But this party is different,
and very important.

So, absolutely nothing
can go wrong.

Well then, we better keep
Doctor Bellows away
from Jeannie.

No.
No dates.
- From I Dream of Jeannie.

No one is bringing a date,
so don't you bring a date.

Okay, but I don't want to
get there and be the only one
without a date.

And I don't want another one
of your sullen whores

using my medicine cabinet
like a...

...a Pez dispenser!

Peggy, you will probably kill
me for this, but Senator,

we now have a subway muse...
[grunt, thud, splash]

[gasps]

If...
Are you still big into trains?

That wasn't her fault.

Who puts Oxycontin
in a Xanax bottle?

People with servants!
Idiot.

But if they're stealing pills,
how does it help
to switch the label?

Because,
they can't read English!

[chuckles]
Okay.

I'm gonna leave you to think
about that whole line
of reasoning...

You think about it.
- ...and whatever scheme you're
hatching for this dinner party.

There's no scheme hatchery.

[man]
Hello.

[speaking German]

Do you mind?
It's the caterer.

[Archer]
Right. Okay.
Sure.

[Malory]
Your instructions are clear?

[in German accent]
Ya, ya, no problem.

Mhmm.
[phone ringing]

Op!
I have another call.

Ya, okay.
[beep]

Hello. Oh.
[man with Russian accent]
Hello?

Da, da.

[Russian accent]
So, your instructions
are clear?

- Da.
- Excellent.

Uta, get dressed.
We work tonight.
[woman groaning]

[woman]
But Manny, what about
the fantastic--

Tomorrow, liebchen, I promise.
But-- [sighs]

You brought
this ridiculous thing?

Is it so ridiculous
to ready my body

for the baby? Huh?
- Uta, please

do not start this.

Just ready your body
for work, hmm.

Fine.
What is the job?

Two jobs.

The first,
we make a big phony attempt

to kill, Torvald Utne.
- Okay.

And the second?

We kill Torvald Utne.

[theme music ¶]

¶¶

[Malory]
So, your instructions
are clear?

[Mannfred]
Drinks, und fish balls.

You ring first bell for dinner,
und on second bell,

I come out all, John Vooie.

Screaming crazy
und shooting blanks.

Then, I throw myself
in front of Utne,

shielding him with my supple
body as you're gunned down
by ISIS agents.

Who are also shooting blanks.

Mmhmm.
- Und loud ones.

Because, for Utne to buy it
everyone must act surprised.

Oh, I'm sure they will.

Yeah, me too.
- Manny.
[door closes]

I have a bad feeling for this.

Why?
Only I will have real bullets.

This is taking chocolate
from a baby.

Oh no.
We won't give
our baby chocolate.

[scoffs]

He can have carob.

[Cheryl]
Thanks for inviting us to your
swanky dinner party, Ms. Archer.

Yeah, I could get used to this.
- Don't.

You're only here because,
I may need you to take one
for the team.

Torvald, is an incorrigible
poon-hound.

[Torvald laughing]
Those are enormous in size.

Oh, well, uh...
Thank you.

Kind of.
- May I please cup one,
in my hand?

Ooh, see, here's the thing.
- We're actually together.

Zero, go get some gravlax.

Torvald, feel free to cup
anything in the room.

Uh...

Oh!
You were talking about my guns.

It's strange that you wear them
to a party.

You know, normally I wouldn't,
but Malory--
- But that's ISIS for you.

Always primed
and ready for action.
[groaning]

[Torvald]
This is good to know.

Yeah, how about that?

Which is why you should
consider ISIS
for the U.N. contract.

Our agents are highly trained
in many disciplines.

Hu ah!
[grunting]

Like Krav Maga.

My ra-- Oh my arm!
- Lana?

You're breaking my arm.
- Lana!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did that hurt?

Did it hurt?
What is wrong with you?

Nothing
but too much enthusiasm,

for the opportunity
to serve the U.N.

And hands
like the Truckasaurus.
- Hey!

Gravlax anyone?
No!

No gravlax!

I need painkillers.

Zero, in my medicine cabinet.
Wait.
[crying out]

I have to get it myself, just...
[doorbell]

...right after I get that.

Hello.

You're late.
- What is that smell?

Gravlax, and failure!

I think Lana just broke
Torvald's hand.

[mockingly]
Truckasaurus.

[laughing]
And, we won't win
that contract if--

Who, on God's green Earth,
dressed you?

Nobody.
That's why I'm late.

Woodhouse, just disappeared.

[Woodhouse]
Only temporarily, sir.

Why are you here?

Actually, sir, I'm with Karina.
- Who?

Karina.
[sighs]

I changed it again.

I feel that, Karina,
better captures
my sensual womanhood.

Yeah, she so totally does.

And you said, no dates.

I said no such thing.
- Well, your mouth did.

Well, your mouth better
get over there and make
Torvald happy.

Um, phrasing.

Regale him with exciting tales
of ISIS exploits.

Take his mind off Lana's
huge Johnny Benchy and fingers.

Can we get off my fingers?
- Yeah, they are pretty big.

First time I've heard
you complain.
- Hayoo!

Seriously, who wants gravlax?
- Sterling, go!

Regale him.
[Pam laughing]

I think he's already
being regaled.
[Pam] Meatballs!

Oh, for--
Torvald!

Bet you get that a lot,
huh Torvy?

[Malory] Pam!
- Swedish meatballs.

Get away from me
you disgusting woman.

Wow.
So even, Pam, got a date.
- A man even.

But, suave master-spy Sterling
Archer, stands alone.

Just like the cheese.
[Archer] I have a--

And a very handsome cheese
at that, sir.

I don't even know
how you got out, Woodhouse.
- [whispering] Alone.

And I do have a date.
- You do?

Where is she?
- She is parking.

Oh yeah?
What's she driving,
a Snuffleupagus?

[mocking laughter]
Uh, oh wait.

Uh, with all that, sexy
European lingerie modeling...
- Mhmm.

...to pay for her European med
school that she's going to...
- Okay sure.

...she probably never had time
to learn to drive.

She sounds fabulous.

Gravlax?
- Thanks, no.

I'm allergic to cat piss.

Go away.

[Nikolai on phone]
So your instructions are clear?

[in German accent]
Why must you
micromanage everything?

Ya, ya, okay.
[beep]

Manny.
[speaking German]

You know what second-hand smoke
does to a fetus.

Uta, after we kill Utne,

we need to have a very long,
und serious talk.

[Torvald]
No, I need a painkiller,
not a--

Torvald.
- What is that,
a calcium supplement?

Trust me dear,
these work wonders.

Okay, but what have I seen,

ISIS is a distant
second to ODIN.
Very distant.

Well, what about
the groundbreaking work
Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS,

in our applied
research division?
- Yeah.

Tell him about the sex robot.
- The what?

Yes, the-- What?
- I call him, Fist-roboto

But it doesn't just fist.
- What.
- Pam.

Tell him.
- He's a fully integrated

multi-fetish, artificial being.

That is the most disgusting--
[Krieger] Shut up! Sh-Sh.

And the best part,
is that he's learning.

ISIS, clearly,
is not the agency for us.

Rotten gravlax, sex-bots,
and uh, except for the nigress,

The women are--
- Willing to do whatever
it takes.

Still gross.

And such rudeness.
- Mr.Roboto wouldn't take that.

It's just too damn sensitive.

As, also, am I.

So if you will excuse--
- There, there.

Let that calcium citrate
seep into your bones.

What about Tranet?

She said that?

How 'bout Jade?

Ew, no.
Nevermind.

Destiny?!

No she's not passable.

With that Adam's apple,
she looks like she swallowed
a Rubix cube.

[Woman]
Excuse me, sir.

I...
[beep]

You are looking for a date?

Are you working?

Mmm, you could say that.
Yes.

[Archer]
Then, we need to lock down
your cover story.

And, uh...
I need to hit an ATM.

[Malory]
Torvald, please.
Don't go yet.

You haven't even tried
the fish balls.
- No need.

There's plenty of fishiness
going on at ISIS
without your balls.

Maybe I should go
say something.
- Yeah.

Where's the damn
fish balls, already?

I could kill for some food.
- Sure it wouldn't be
the first time.

Lana.
- No!

I just meant like,
she literally killed
somebody and then--

And then ate their corpse.
Yeah.

I saw where you're going
with that.

You know--
- When I served
in the king's African Rifles,

the local Zambezi tribesmen,
called human flesh,

long pig.

Never much cared for it.

Torvald, at least stay
for dinner.

I think you'll be
very surprised by--

I detest surprises.

Which is why the contract
will remain, with ODIN.

Manny, do something.

Utne is leaving.
- Okay, okay.

We go ahead of schedule.

Find some Tupperware.
We take food to go.

But, you promised me
Ruby Foo's.

Ya, I also promised
you a baby.
How's that working out for you?

Hey, does that cook seem weird?
- Normal weird or German weird?

Now, good night,
and good evening you...

...beautiful girl.

Hello.
- You're not, um,
leaving are you?

No, not if you're staying,
Miss...?

Oh, um...
- Hubsch.

Yup.
- Elke Hubsch.

A pleasure, my dear.

I am Torvald--
- Utne. I know.

I am a great admirer.
- Really?
- Really?

You know he's not
the shot putter, right?

Of course he's not
the shot putter.

But I am sure
he is very strong.

[chuckling]

Unlike these drinks.
Come, my dear.

Let us find something potable.

Woah, wait a minute.

Hey, Utne!
Utne!
- Will you shut up?

We just need to keep Torvald
happy until dinner.

Yeah, and what about
my happiness, Mother?

Well?!
- Oh, was that not rhetorical?

[laughing]

[speaking German]

The Needle?
Why is she here?

Oh, that Russian prick.
He sent two teams again.

And if the Needle kills Utne,
we won't even get our per diem.

But what if you killed
them both?

Oh.
Ya, I could do this.

[Archer knocking]
Hey, help.
Help.

Help with what, sir?

No, I was addressing you
as help.

What's the story
on those fish balls?

Coming right out.
- Well hurry it up, all right?

All I've had today is like six
gummy bears, and some scotch.

Gott im Himmel.
- This is why I don't
get you nice things.

Not that, him.
Uta, that was Duchess!

That, was Duchess?!

Ya, the deadliest agent
there is.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe
they fell for that.

But if he's on the plan
of frãulein Archer, then--
- What if her plan

is a big, fat set up?

What if they mean to kill us?
[gasp]

Manny, the baby.

[sighs]
Okay.

So now we go to plan, Mannfred.
- And then, Ruby Foo's.

Well, we will see.

Really,
a European lingerie model?

Only to pay
for European med school.

[giggles]

Like to get a physical
from her.
- Or with her. [chuckles]

Ow, ow, ow, ow!
- I wonder if Dr. Panty-model

knows how many pounds
of pressure it takes to snap
a human collar bone.

She probably uses
the metric system.

Yeah,
what do they use, kilowatts?

Uh, no.

In this case
it would be pascals.

Ugh, hey, Europe, be gayer.
- Lana!

Release him!
- As you wish.

[coughing]
I find your lack
of faith disturbing.

I find your mannish
hands disturbing.

I think they're kind of sexy.

Excuse me?
- They're fingers, Pam.

Not Kielbasas.
- But, keep them limbered up.

I have a big surprise
planned for dinner,

and I need you ready,
locked, and loaded.
- Yeah.

So, do you maybe wanna
let us in on your little
scheme hatchery?

No.

[grunting]
If I were 20 years younger.

I can make you feel
like you are.

I would like, I think,
that very much.

Well then, go find an ATM.
- I'm sorry?

Oh, me too.
I must leave for a moment.

Excuse me.
- Yeah, sorry. Don't mind me.

Hey, are you having
a good time?
- Oh, I am.

Good to hear.
Please, excuse us.

Mhmm.

Keep her out
of the medicine cabinet.

One more dead body in here
and that bitch,

Trudy Beekman,
will have me right back
in front of the co-op board.

Wow, you don't get along
with your neighbors anywhere.

Who could get along with
a woman who wallpapered
her guest bathroom

with vintage New Yorker covers?

Yes Major, I am in position
and ready to eliminate
the target.

[Nikolai]
Excellent.

ODIN will find it much harder
to bribe a dead man
for the U.N. contract.

And I will find it much more
enjoyable, to work with
the woman who runs ISIS.

What do you mean, with?

Against!
Obviously.

Duh.
- Obviously.

And though, I still think
you should let me kill
everybody here.

Nyet!
Under no circumstances
are you to harm the hostess!

Um, who-whose name
I have no way of knowing.

[Sterling]
Hey! What the hell
are you doing?

Uh... Botox.

Not from the medicine cabinet!
No, don't use this.

She switches all the labels
on her medicine.
- Why?

I don't know.
I think there's like

a racial component.

But, for all we know,
this could be insulin.

Oh, your mother is a diabetic?

How should I know?

[Uta]
Why don't you just pour it
on everybody's?

Because, our employer
was very clear.

We are not to harm the hostess.

But, her, I want to poison
most of all.

Are you lazy Huns
ready or what?

[giggling]
Oh hello.
Yup.

Good.
So on the second bell--

I come out shooting blanks.

See?
Uta, is just polishing the gun.

Give me that!

Some idiot, dropped a fish ball
on my Azerbaijani rug.

[door closes]

[laughing]
I am that idiot.

Ack, why are you so immature?

I'm 19.

Elke, is everything all right?

Wunderbar, Torvald.
How are you?

I am fantastic, my dear.

Those calcium supplements
are amazing!

You're gonna need some calcium
after I... do something bad
to your bones.

[Nikolai]
Hello?
- Hello?

Can you hear me?
- What?

Come in.
- Wait, what the hell?

What is the frequency?

Kenneth?
- Turn off, turn off, turn off!

W-what?
I can't hear you, tiny man.

Wh--Oh great.
Thanks, Mother, for replacing
the baby aspirin with LSD.

God, that is just, classic her.

[Malory]
Places everyone.

Is everyone comfy?

[all chattering]
Sterling and Lana.

You both have a clear line
of sight to the kitchen?

Yes.
- Sure, I think so.

Well, then let's eat.

[bell rings]
First bell.

Wow.
Forgot how much I hated that.

Oh, that's right.

I kept it on the night-stand
to wake Nanny,
whenever Sterling, wet the bed.

[all laughing]
- Mother!

Wait, whose bed?

It was always,
don't ask, don't tell.

[Sterling]
Woodhouse!
What are you doing?

Sitting down, sir.
- What, at the table?

[Malory] Sterling.
- Like people?

Sterling!
- What?

Look, he thinks he's people.

This, Archer,
is a gigantic douchebag.

Oh, Torvald.
Who cares about him?

[gasps]
Oh.

Woodhouse, dear,
please have a seat.

Very kind of you, ma'am.
- Shut up.

Torvald, a toast?
- Sure, go crazy.

[groaning]
Then, um... hurray.

[Sterling] Wow.
- Dig in.

And, what is this we're eating?

It smells vaguely poisonous.

It does smell
vaguely poisonous.

Are you sure
she has the right plate?

Pretty sure.
- Oh, Uta!

What?

I am pretty sure.

[sighs]

Don't worry.
This is a normal smell.

This is called,
Janssons fristelse.
- Fristel--

Yes, fristelse.

It means...
[smells]
...temptation.

Oh, Torvald.
I am very tempted.

Yes, and I am tempted to give
ISIS the U.N. contract, Malory.

Hmm?!

I mean, you are?

Well, that depends
on your fristelse.

Mmm.
- Tell me, my dear,
is it tempting?

[choking]
- Elke, what is the matter?

A-Are you?

[collective gasp]

Umm...
- What?

That's the wrong plate.
Uta.

[mocking]
Uta.

That's how you talk.

Perfidy!

[stammering]
No, Torvald,
there's no perfidy.

You, poison my food
over a contract?

Torvald, I swear I didn't.
- Well, when I am finished
with ISIS,

you won't be able to
get a contract for a pre-paid
mobile phone.

No, no!
- I will tear you down,
brick by perfidious brick.

[rapid gunshots]

[screams]

It's okay.

It's okay.
They're just blanks.

Oh.
- Well, see you say that...

But, they were blanks.

Uh.
- Weren't they?

Only if the back of his skull
picked that exact moment

to explode outwards.
- What?

[all gagging]
Oh, my God.

Damn it!
- What?

Where are those Germans?

[Uta]
I should not do this
in my condition.

[Mannfred]
What condition?

Your only condition is that
you are a crazy, stupid girl.

Do not speak to me like
a child, Mannfred!

I hate when you do that.
- No, I think you like it, ya.

Because, I think you have some
serious, und unresolved issues
with your father.

Ya?
- Ya.

And that is maybe why I date
a wrinkled old man, like you.
[gasp]

Wow.
- I didn't mean that.

No, no, it's okay.
- Oh, Manny.

I think we both knew it.

Just strange
to hear it out loud.

Oh, for shit's sake.

And, they didn't do one dish.
- This is funny to you?

I ate a bunch of that LSD
you had labeled
as baby aspirin.

That was baby aspirin.

Oh.
[Lana] Hey guys?

Wait what?
What, uh, what's the plan here?

[sighs]
I shall fetch a rug.

No you will not.

That rug was a gift
from the Azeri Khan himself.

And besides,
we're not going far.

Is that hard to do?

With those big ol' ballpark
Franken-fingers?

Shut up.

Hurry up.
The Beekmans
will be back anytime.

And nobody touch anything.

God, Zero, would you go?

I should be carrying her.
- Zero, I paid her,
I get to carry her corpse.

[Malory]
See?
Just look at this bathroom.

[Pam] I kind of like it. Yeah.
[Malory] Exactly.

All right drop them there,
next to that awful
Louis Kaz repro.

[Zero grunting]
[porcelain breaking]

Now then, we want this
to look like a classic,
hooker murder-suicide.

So, Zero!
Take Sterling's gun and pump
a round into his prostitute.

[Zero] Wait what?
[Malory] Everyone shoots
the chippy.

[Krieger] Wait, wait, wait...
[Malory] That way we're all
in it together.

[Zero] Wait.
[Malory] Think of it as a team
building exercise.

[Zero] But, ODIN gets to go
on outward bound.

[Malory]
Well, ODIN can suck it!

Now shoot!
[Zero] Oh, Jesus.

[gunshot]
[Cheryl] Ew.
[Malory] You're next.

[Sterling]
God, Zero, that was pathetic.

[Zero] Hey shut up.
[Malory] Come on,
everybody shoots.

[Pam]
Hey I wanna go.
Bam!

[Malory] Now, Sterling, drop
your gun between the bodies--
[Sterling] Yeah, no.

Have you ever seen CSI?
This is already like,
clue town.

[Malory]
Not for long.
Dr. Krieger, dear.

[Sterling] What? Oh.
[liquid sloshing]

[Malory]
Zero, call 911 from their phone
and leave it off the hook.

And, Sterling...
[Sterling] But, this gun,
it was a gift.

[Malory] Oh please,
nobody gives you gifts.

[Sterling]
You don't know.
[gun clatters]

[Malory]
Whatever you say, dear.
Dr. Krieger?

[lighter clicks]

[all shout]

Now, then--
[Sterling] We still didn't
get the U.N. contract.

[Malory]
Oh, but I will.

And, I'll get to see
Trudy Beekman

try to explain this little
barbecue to the co-op board.

[Woodhouse]
That smell takes me back.
Just like a Zambezi feast.

[Pam]
Yeah, I'm kinda hungry.

Is that weird?
[Malory] It would be weirder
if you weren't.

[Zero]
Well this torte's
a winner, Malory.

What was that name again?

Clod Caca.

[laughing hysterically]

[all laughing]

Stop it!

I'm sorry that...
that's a funny word.

Oh, I thought we were laughing
at the dead people
we set on fire.

[laughing]

Sorry.

¶¶