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¶ ¶
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MALORY ARCHER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
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00:00:06,039 --> 00:00:08,907
YOU GET MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY
TIME I SEE YOU.
Malory: [ CHUCKLES ]
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00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,942
OH, GUSSY.
YOU MINX.
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00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:12,777
YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME YET.
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00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:17,515
BUT IF I DIE, LET IT BE WITH THE
NAME OF THIS DUSKY JEWEL UPON MY
LIPS.
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00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:20,719
Malory: LORD FELTCHLEY, MAY I
PRESENT MISS LANA KANE?
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00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,921
YES, YOU BLOODY WELL MAY.
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00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,223
Lana: UH, IT'S SO NICE TO,
UH -- WOW, OKAY.
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00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:28,426
THAT'S, UH, KIDSKIN YOU'RE
SLOBBERING ON, SO -- OKAY.
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WOULDN'T WANT TO OFFEND THAT
BOYFRIEND OF YOURS, EH, WHAT?
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Cyril: OH, NO OFFENSE TAKEN,
YOUR LORDSHIP.
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00:00:34,769 --> 00:00:36,735
GLAD TO HEAR IT, WHOEVER YOU
ARE.
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00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,037
Cyril: CYRIL FIGGIS, ISIS
COMPTROLLER.
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00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:40,838
Lana: AND ALSO MY --
Cyril: BOYFRIEND.
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00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,507
Lana: PERSON I'M DATING.
WE DATE.
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NO, YOU DON'T. NO, NO, NO.
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YOUR MAN'S A RAKISH CHAP.
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AIR OF MYSTERY, CHISELED GOOD
LOOKS.
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00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,282
Lana: OH, I THINK MAYBE YOU
MEAN MY EX.
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00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:52,417
Cyril: ARCHER.
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00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:54,686
ARCHER! EXACTLY JUST!
Cyril: UH, THAT'S --
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00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,389
AND IF MEMORY SERVES, NOT
ONLY HANDSOME BUT ALSO --
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Archer: [ Slurring ] A SECRET
AGENT!
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Malory: [ SIGHS ]
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Archer: THAT'S WHAT I AM.
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AND I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE SAYING
THAT, BUT YOU HAVE A CERTAIN
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THICKNESS ABOUT YOU THAT I FIND
VERY APPEALING.
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00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,169
WELL, I FIND YOUR DRUNKENNESS
VERY UNAPPEALING.
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00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:13,571
Archer: I AM DRUNK OR I
WOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU.
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SO IF YOU'LL PLEASE EXCUSE
ME --
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Archer: HEY, COME ON.
DON'T BE LIKE THAT.
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[ ALL GASP ]
OOPS.
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Malory: STERLING, LOOK OUT!
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FELTCHLEY!
Archer: OH.
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YOU DIRTY SASSENACH!
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WE IRISHMEN WILL NEVER BOW DOWN
BEFORE THE ENGLISH CROWN!
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UGH!
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[ APPLAUSE ]
Archer: YEAH!
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OOH LA LA.
STERLING ARCHER.
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Archer: THAT WAS TOTALLY
NINJA!
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[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]
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Lana: YEAH, IF YOU'RE, UH,
INTO THAT.
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00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:40,799
Cyril: LANA...
Lana: HMM?
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Cyril: HON...
Lana: HUH?
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Cyril: HELLO!
Lana: HEY!
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WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?
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Cyril: UH, NOTHING.
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00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,540
Malory: OH, DEAR.
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GOOD SHOW, ARCHER!
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YOU REALLY SAVED MY BACON.
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Archer: HEY, COME ON.
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YOU KNOW I'D NEVER LET ANYTHING
HAPPEN TO YOUR BACON.
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I LOVE YOU, SANTA CLAUS!
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WHAT?
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00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,253
Archer: [ Whimpering ] I DO.
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00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,319
Malory: CYRIL, WE'VE GOT BIG
PROBLEMS.
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00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,488
Cyril: WELL, IT MAY SEEM
DAUNTING NOW.
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00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:39,891
BUT IN THE LONG RUN, THE HSA
MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE THAN FLEX
ACCOUNTS.
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00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:44,296
Malory: I DON'T MEAN THE
HEALTH PLAN...UNLESS IT COVERS
WANDERING-EYE SYNDROME.
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00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:47,432
Cyril: WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON
IF THAT'S A REAL THING.
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00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,935
Malory: OH, IT'S VERY REAL,
AND LANA HAS IT.
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00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,369
Cyril: WAIT. WHAT?
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00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:54,439
Malory: CYRIL, I KNOW YOU SAW
HOW SHE LOOKED AT STERLING LAST
NIGHT.
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Cyril: WELL, I THINK SHE WAS
JUST SHAKEN UP.
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00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,611
Malory: STIRRED UP, CYRIL, IN
THE LOINS.
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00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,947
Cyril: YOU -- YOU THINK HER
LOINS WERE STIRRING.
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00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,081
Malory: IF NOT FROTHING.
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00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:03,615
Cyril: FROTHING? OH, GREAT.
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WHAT SHOULD I DO?
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00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:11,289
Malory: WE SHOULD MAKE YOU
INTO SOMEONE FOR WHOM LANA'S
LOINS GET EQUALLY FROTHY.
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00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:13,825
Cyril: AND HOW EXACTLY WOULD
WE DO THAT?
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00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,694
Malory: WELL, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY
ATTRACTED TO MEN OF DANGER.
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Cyril: LIKE ARCHER.
Malory: EXACTLY.
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Cyril: THE PERFECT FIELD
AGENT.
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00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,299
Malory: SO WHO BETTER TO
TRAIN YOU TO BECOME ONE?
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Cyril: ARCHER TRAIN ME TO BE
A FIELD AGENT?
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00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:27,973
Malory: HE'S ALREADY BEEN
BRIEFED, BUT ONLY ON THE "WHAT,"
MIND YOU, NOT THE "WHY."
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NO SENSE IN TELLING HIM IT'S
ABOUT LANA.
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Cyril: LANA -- BOY, WAIT TILL
I TELL HER ABOUT THIS.
Malory: NO!
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CYRIL, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE IS
LANA TO KNOW ABOUT OUR
LITTLE...PLAN.
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00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:37,982
Cyril: RIGHT.
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00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,851
I THINK -- OH, BUT ABOUT PLANS.
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HEALTH PLAN SWITCHOVER --
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00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:44,222
Malory: I'LL TAKE CARE OF
WHATEVER THAT IS.
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00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,558
YOU JUST CONCENTRATE ON YOUR
TRAINING.
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00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:49,060
Cyril: AND ARCHER'S REALLY
OKAY WITH THIS?
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00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:53,631
Malory: OH, NOT AT ALL, WHICH
IS JUST GRAVY.
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00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:56,801
Archer: NO, I JUST LET MOTHER
THINK THAT BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT
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00:03:56,836 --> 00:04:01,306
SHE'S UP TO, VIS-à-VIS CYRIL AND
LANA AND ME, AND IT'S NOT
BROADENING CYRIL'S HORIZONS.
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00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:02,507
TRUST ME.
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00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:05,977
MOTHER'S IDEA OF HORIZON
BROADENING IS A LOT OF FIGHTS
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00:04:06,012 --> 00:04:08,813
WALKING HOME FROM A LOT OF
JAZZ-TAP LESSONS.
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00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,816
[ BUTTONS CLICKING ]
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00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,784
I SO ENJOY OUR TALKS.
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00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,386
YOU GOT THEM?
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00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:17,555
THEN THEY'RE LOADED AND READY TO
GO?
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00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:21,058
SERIOUSLY, KRIEGER, YOU ARE MY
OPRAH.
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00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:24,195
SO OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT HAPPY
ABOUT THIS WHOLE ARRANGEMENT --
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00:04:24,230 --> 00:04:25,563
Cyril: BUT YOUR MOTHER IS --
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00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,766
Archer: BUT I WONDER WHAT
LANA THINKS ABOUT --
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00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,967
Cyril: OH, LANA'S NOT
"NEED TO KNOW" ON THIS.
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00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:32,370
Archer: WOW, "OPEN PURSE,
REMOVE BALLS," HUH?
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00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:36,241
Cyril: BESIDES, I'M SURE IT'S
NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU KEPT A
SECRET FROM LANA.
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00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,542
Archer: UH, HELLO! HERPES?!
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00:04:37,577 --> 00:04:39,077
Cyril: YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!
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00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,078
Cheryl: [ GASPS ]
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Cyril: HELLO, CHERYL.
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00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:41,813
Cheryl: IT'S CAROL.
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00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,314
Archer: WHAT? SINCE WHEN?
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00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:46,418
Cheryl: SINCE I HAD IT
LEGALLY CHANGED BECAUSE YOU
ALWAYS CALL ME CAROL.
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00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:47,785
Archer: WOW, THAT'S --
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EXCUSE US.
Cheryl: [ SIGHS ]
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00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,657
Cyril: WHAT IS THIS HERPES
BUSINESS?
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00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,025
Archer: SORRY, BAD JOKE...
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00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,093
AND A FALSE ALARM.
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00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,127
LESSON ONE, GET USED TO THAT.
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00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:57,695
Cyril: SHOULD I BE WRITING
THIS DOWN?
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00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,697
Archer: NO!
NEVER LEAVE A PAPER TRAIL.
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00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,833
THAT'S LESSON ONE.
SO DITCH THIS.
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00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,668
Cyril: HEY, THAT'S --
Cheryl: OW!
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00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:04,902
Cyril: ...MY DEAD MOM'S PEN.
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00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,004
Cheryl: JESUS!
Archer: CYRIL DID THAT!
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00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,307
HERE, THIS IS WHAT A REAL FIELD
AGENT USES.
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00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,042
Cyril: HUH, POINT'S A LOT
FINER THAN I PREFER.
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00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,945
Archer: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A
HYPODERMIC NEEDLE AND THE
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00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:18,016
CARTRIDGE IS FULL OF A DEADLY
SUPER-TOXIN CALLED POIZOCAINE.
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00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,917
HERE.
Cyril: HEY -- WHOA!
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00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,020
Archer: KEEP IT IN HERE, BUT
BE CAREFUL.
Cyril: WAIT A MINUTE.
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00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,856
THE CAP SLIPS OFF FOR, LIKE, NO
REASON.
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00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,825
Cheryl: [ HUMMING ]
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00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,360
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
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00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:31,563
Pam: OH, YOU'RE GIVING ME THE
CHUCK NOISE, KAREN CARPENTER'S
STUNT DOUBLE?
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00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:32,397
Cheryl: I'M SORRY.
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00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,998
I THOUGHT YOU WERE WALKING
BACKWARDS.
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00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,200
Pam: IT'S ALL THE HSA
SWITCHOVER CRAP.
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00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,236
Cheryl: I'M SO OVER THAT LAME
FLEX ACCOUNT.
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00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,570
WHEN DOES THE HSA START?
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00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:42,107
Pam: WHEN CYRIL E-FILES
THESE DD-14s.
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00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,576
Cheryl: OH, MISS ARCHER'S
TAKING CARE OF THOSE.
Pam: WHAT?!
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00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:46,644
Cheryl: CYRIL'S OFF
SOMEWHERE WITH MR. ARCHER.
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00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:47,812
Lana: CYRIL'S OFF WHAT?
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00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,413
WITH WHOM?!
144
00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:52,750
Cheryl: I THINK "SOMEWHERE"
WAS THE "WHAT" THERE AND
"MR. ARCHER" WAS THE "WHOM."
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00:05:52,785 --> 00:05:54,118
Pam: WORLDS COLLIDE, HUH?
146
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:57,155
Cheryl: KIND OF INEVITABLE,
REALLY, FOR A SERIAL WORKPLACE
DATER.
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00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,323
Lana: OH, YEAH!
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00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,658
CALL THE KETTLE BLACK!
149
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:04,830
Cheryl: DID SHE JUST
RACE-CARD ME, OR -- ARE YOU
TOTALLY JUST GAY FOR HER?
150
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,233
Pam: I'M THE HUMAN RESOURCES
DIRECTOR, LITTLE MISS HOSTILE
WORK ENVIRONMENT!
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00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,267
Cheryl: [ SIGHS ]
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00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,802
SHE IS RIDDLED WITH HERPES.
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00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:11,636
Pam: HEY!
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00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:14,239
INAPPROPRIATE WORKPLACE TOPIC...
155
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:16,675
AND ALSO A DEAL BREAKER.
156
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,009
Archer: LESSON ONE -- HUMAN
INTEL --
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00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:18,676
Cyril: SHOOT!
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00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,111
I FORGOT ABOUT THE DD-14s.
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00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:21,246
Archer: SCREW 'EM!
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00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:22,847
THAT'S MOTHER'S HEADACHE.
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00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,816
Malory: YOU TELL ME -- DOES
IT LOOK LIKE I'M ALLERGIC?
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00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:26,585
Pam: JESUS JONES. YES.
163
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:31,289
Malory: SO, WHEN I ASKED FOR
CUCUMBER SLICES, WHICH ONE OF
YOU IDIOTS SENT UP ZUCCHINI?!
164
00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:33,091
Cheryl: UH, WELL, THAT, UH --
WELL, THAT --
165
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,926
Pam: THAT WOULD BE JANE WHO
DID THAT.
166
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,261
Malory: SCATTERBRAIN JANE?
167
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:37,896
Cheryl: I KNOW.
SHE'S JUST A MESS.
168
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,864
Pam: BECAUSE THIS IS
OBVIOUSLY ZUCCHINI.
169
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,166
Malory: OH, LIKE YOU'D
RECOGNIZE A VEGETABLE THAT
170
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,136
WASN'T WRAPPED IN A MONTE CRISTO
SANDWICH!
171
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,370
Pam: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO
MEAN?
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00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,107
Malory: THAT IS PAM,
ISN'T IT?
173
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:52,244
Cyril: OKAY, SO, HUMAN
INTELLIGENCE ENTAILS --
174
00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:55,813
Archer: WELL, THERE'S FALSE
FLAGS, DEAD DROPS, DROPOUTS,
175
00:06:55,849 --> 00:07:01,319
CUTOUTS, ACTIVE DOUBLES, PASSIVE
DOUBLES, DANGLED MOLES, THE
OFTEN UNDERAPPRECIATED HONEYPOT.
176
00:07:01,355 --> 00:07:04,088
Cyril: WOW, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A LOT TO COVER.
177
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:07,358
Archer: YEAH, SO WE MAY HAVE
TO GLOSS OVER ALMOST ALL OF IT.
178
00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:10,628
Cyril: [ GASPS ]
Archer: WEAPON!
179
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:13,198
Cyril: HEY, HON.
Lana: HEY, BACK.
180
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,166
WHAT, UH -- WHAT'S THIS?
181
00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:17,501
Cyril: WELL, UH, SEE, UH,
HERE'S THE THING.
182
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:22,206
Malory: [ Echoing ] UNDER NO
CIRCUMSTANCE IS LANA TO KNOW
ABOUT OUR LITTLE...PLAN.
183
00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:23,641
Lana: HERE'S WHAT THING?
184
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:25,610
Cyril: ARCHER'S DD-14...
Archer: YEAH.
185
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,579
Cyril: ...THAT WE'RE ON OUR
WAY DOWN TO CLEAR UP WITH JANE.
186
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,748
Lana: REALLY?
Cyril: WELL, YOU KNOW,
SCATTERBRAIN JANE.
187
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,483
Lana: AND YOU'RE COOKING
DINNER LATER?
188
00:07:32,519 --> 00:07:33,785
Cyril: YES, I AM.
Lana: YEAH.
189
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:34,786
Cyril: YEP.
190
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,187
Lana: SPEAR GUN?
191
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:39,791
Cyril: OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I
JUST DID THAT.
Archer: YEAH, DUNCE!
192
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,860
NOW JANE'S A LOOSE END.
193
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,995
Lana: HEY, JANE!
Jane: [ GASPS ]
194
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,597
Lana: YOU GETTING A SNACK?
195
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,967
Archer: KEEP YOUR STORY
VAGUE. THAT'S LESSON ONE.
196
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:53,305
Cyril: NO, I MEAN, MORALITY
ASIDE, HOW DO YOU KEEP TRACK OF
ALL THESE LIES?
197
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,372
Archer: PRACTICE, CYRIL.
198
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:58,410
LYING IS, LIKE, 95% OF WHAT I
DO.
199
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,044
Cyril: IN YOUR JOB?
Archer: SURE.
200
00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:02,547
Cyril: I GOT TO ADMIT, IT WAS
PRETTY COOL HOW YOU HANDLED THAT
SPEAR GUN.
201
00:08:02,582 --> 00:08:05,183
Archer: IT WAS PRETTY COOL.
Cyril: WILL I GET TO LEARN
KARATE?
202
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:07,651
Archer: KARATE?
THE DANE COOK OF MARTIAL ARTS?
203
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:10,221
NO, ISIS AGENTS USE KRAV MAGA.
Cyril: KRAV --
204
00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:13,358
Archer: WE'VE GOT AN
EX-MOSSAD GUY.
HE COMES IN ON THURSDAYS.
205
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:15,860
YEAH, TUESDAYS HE DOES A REALLY
RIGOROUS SPIN CLASS.
206
00:08:15,895 --> 00:08:17,629
Cyril: SO, WILL I NEED
SWEATPANTS?
207
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,530
Archer: CYRIL, YOU NEED ALL
NEW CLOTHES.
208
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:21,299
Cyril: WELL, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THESE?
209
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,702
Archer: [ LAUGHS ]
210
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,136
SORRY.
211
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,838
OH!
212
00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:30,242
I WAS LAUGHING AT YOUR CLOTHES.
213
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,812
Cyril: WOW, ARCHER, YOU WERE
RIGHT.
214
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,781
A TAILORED SUIT HANGS SO MUCH
BETTER.
215
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:39,216
Archer: THAT'S BECAUSE
WOODHOUSE IS A GENIUS.
216
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,720
Woodhouse: LIKE SO MANY OTHER
GENIUSES, UNAPPRECIATED IN --
217
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,089
Archer: SHUT UP AND HEM, YOU
OLD FRUIT!
218
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:47,292
Woodhouse: SPEAKING OF FRUIT,
SIR --
219
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,392
Cyril: OH! SORRY.
220
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:49,260
Archer: CYRIL!
221
00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:51,095
CYRIL, CHECK THIS OUT.
222
00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:53,597
Cyril: REALLY?
Archer: DON'T MAKE IT WEIRD.
223
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:56,868
IT'S YOUR FRIEND.
AND SO'S THIS BABY.
Cyril: JEEZY PETES!
224
00:08:56,903 --> 00:09:00,171
Archer: IT'S A CHEKHOV.
RUSSIAN-MADE, .25 CALIBER.
225
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,906
Cyril: WHEN WOULD YOU USE
AN UNDERWEAR GUN?
226
00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:03,274
Archer: HOPEFULLY NEVER.
227
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:07,011
BUT SAY YOU'RE IN A
CARIBBEAN BUNGALOW AND YOU'RE
KIND OF HIGH.
228
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:09,447
AN EXOTIC WOMAN ON THE BED.
229
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:12,450
NOW, IS SHE JUST THE HIGH-PRICED
WHORE YOU ASKED FOR?
230
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,285
OR IS SHE...AN ASSASSIN?!
231
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,820
Cyril: I DON'T KNOW.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
232
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,822
Archer: HERE'S ROOM SERVICE.
WHO ORDERED CHAMPAGNE?
233
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:19,690
Cyril: HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
Archer: EXACTLY!
234
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:20,324
YOU'RE BAKED.
235
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,559
YOU CAN'T REMEMBER.
236
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,729
BUT SINCE WHEN DOES IT TAKE
THREE HUGE, SURLY JAMAICAN GUYS
237
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,764
TO DELIVER ONE BOTTLE OF
CHAMPAGNE?
238
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,633
Cyril: BECAUSE THEY'RE
ASSASSINS, TOO!
239
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:31,602
Archer: OR MAYBE ONE GUY'S A
NEW WAITER, THE SECOND ONE'S
240
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:35,507
TRAINING HIM, AND THE THIRD'S
FROM MAINTENANCE, FINALLY OFF
HIS LAZY ASS TO FIX THE A.C.
241
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,642
Cyril: OH.
YEAH, I GUESS THAT COULD HAPPEN.
242
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:40,245
Archer: POINT IS, YOU COME
OUT OF THE JOHN WAVING THIS
243
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,313
AROUND, NOBODY'S GONNA BUG YOU
FOR A TIP.
244
00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:43,314
HERE. IT'S A GIFT.
245
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:44,282
Cyril: THANKS.
246
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:45,349
WOW, THAT IS SLIPPERY.
247
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,585
Archer: AND THE SAFETY'S OFF,
SO BE CAREFUL.
248
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,188
IT COULD GO OFF FOR, LIKE, NO
REASON.
249
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:52,690
Malory: NOW, WHAT ARE THESE
PILLS?
250
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,193
Pam: OH, JUST
ANTIHISTAMINES -- MOSTLY.
251
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:57,161
Cheryl: YOU JUST REST,
MISS ARCHER.
252
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,164
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THESE DD-14s
FOR YOU.
253
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,564
Malory: DAMN RIGHT YOU WILL.
254
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,567
IDIOT.
Cheryl: [ GASPS ]
255
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,136
PAM, LOOK AT THIS.
Pam: HOLY SHIT SNACKS!
256
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,838
Malory: WE HAVE SNACKS?
257
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:08,973
Cheryl: EVERYBODY'S PERSONAL
MEDICAL RECORDS!
258
00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:11,108
Pam: OH, NO, WE CAN'T BE
LOOKING AT THIS.
259
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,576
IT'S TOTALLY CONFIDENTIAL.
260
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,812
Cheryl: IT TOTALLY SHOULD BE.
LOOK AT THIS.
261
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,047
Pam: OH, MY GOD.
262
00:10:16,082 --> 00:10:19,551
CYRIL TRIED TO GET HIS PLAN TO
COVER A PENIS... ENSMALLMENT?
263
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:20,684
Cheryl: WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT?
264
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,854
Pam: I BET AGENT KANE THUNKS
IT PLENTY.
265
00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:24,389
Lana: YOU BET SHE DOES WHAT?
266
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:28,359
Pam: I BET SHE, UH -- NO, I
GOT NOTHING.
Lana: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
267
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,528
YOU SEEN CYRIL?
Malory: IS THAT LANA?
268
00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:33,531
Lana: WOW, HAPPENED TO YOU?
Malory: SCATTERBRAIN JANE!
269
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,132
BUT LET JUST TELL YOU, OKAY?
270
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,535
YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL YOU HAVE
CYRIL.
271
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,270
Cheryl: FOR ABOUT 12 REASONS.
272
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,572
Lana: WELL, THANK YOU,
MALORY.
273
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:45,476
BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D
PREFER TO KEEP MY PERSONAL
AFFAIRS OUT OF THE OFFICE!
274
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:46,711
Malory: OH, PLEASE.
275
00:10:46,746 --> 00:10:50,948
SHE'S HAD MORE PENS IN THAT
COMPANY INK THAN...A PEN STORE.
276
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:52,083
Cheryl: AND YET...
277
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:53,017
[ KEYS CLACKING ]
278
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:55,587
...DOES NOT HAVE HERPES.
279
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:57,855
Pam: DEAL UN-BREAKER.
280
00:10:57,890 --> 00:10:58,857
Cheryl: UGH!
281
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,591
Trinette: WHAT'S THE MATTER,
BABY?
282
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:01,859
'FRAID YOU'LL CATCH SOMETHING?
283
00:11:01,894 --> 00:11:03,161
Cyril: NO, IT'S NOT THAT!
284
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,962
I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN THIS
CLOSE TO --
285
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:06,063
Archer: CALL GIRL!
286
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,432
IT'S NOT AN INSULT, CYRIL.
287
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,534
TRINETTE TAKES PRIDE IN HER
WORK.
288
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:10,869
Trinette: I REALLY DO.
Cyril: OKAY.
289
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,170
SO COME ON. BUDGE IN.
290
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,070
Cyril: GOSH.
291
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,473
Trinette: NOW, THAT'S NOT SO
BAD, IS IT?
292
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:16,674
Cyril: NO.
Trinette: [ GIGGLES ]
293
00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:19,611
Cyril: THAT FEELS
PRETTY GOOD.
Trinette: OOH, I CAN TELL.
294
00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:20,912
YOU ARE GIFTED.
295
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,780
Archer: GOD, IT'S JUST HIS
GUN, TRINETTE!
296
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:24,816
Cyril: SORRY.
BET THIS SEEMS PRETTY WEIRD.
297
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,017
Trinette: OH, PLEASE.
298
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,352
THE SICK SHIT I'VE DONE IN
THIS APARTMENT?
Cyril: OKAY.
299
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,087
Trinette: AND THAT WASN'T ALL
GUN, NEITHER.
300
00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,124
Cyril: NO, MA'AM.
Archer: HEY, CAN YOU TWO
FOCUS -- PLEASE?!
301
00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:35,226
WOODHOUSE, ARE YOU READY, OR
WHAT?
302
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:38,897
Woodhouse: YES, QUITE READY,
SIR, THOUGH NOT ENTIRELY
WILLING.
303
00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:41,031
Cyril: AND I DON'T KNOW IF I
AM, EITHER.
304
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,867
Trinette: COULD HAVE FOOLED
ME!
305
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,502
Archer: IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE.
306
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:48,072
YOU'RE TANGOING, THEN YOUR
TRAINED FIELD-AGENT EYES SPOT
TWO THREATS.
307
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:50,007
Cyril: BUT THEY'RE NOT
TRAINED.
308
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,309
WE HAVEN'T DONE THIS YET.
309
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,611
Archer: THIS IS HOW YOU TRAIN
THEM.
310
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:54,979
SO YOU SPOT YOUR FIRST THREAT.
311
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:55,747
WOODHOUSE.
312
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:57,047
Woodhouse: MY KNEES --
313
00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:59,283
Archer: BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
YOU PUT HIM DOWN.
314
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,051
BUT JUST SHOOT THE PAD, NOT
WOODHOUSE.
315
00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:02,921
Cyril: LIKE ACTUALLY SHOOT
THE GUN?
316
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,722
Archer: HOW ELSE ARE YOU
GONNA LEARN?
317
00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:07,858
OKAY, HE'S DOWN -- JUST THE
PAD, THOUGH -- THEN YOU SEE THE
SECOND THREAT.
318
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,094
OH, NO, YOU'RE OUT OF AMMO.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
319
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:11,996
Cyril: OH, THAT'S WHERE THE
TURN COMES IN?
320
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:13,998
Archer: DUH.
WOODHOUSE, GET IN POSITION.
321
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:16,033
Woodhouse: I REALLY NEED A
BETTER HEALTH PLAN.
322
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,468
Archer: SHUT UP.
323
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:23,174
WEAPON IS HOT, AND LIVE-FIRE
EXERCISE, IN...5, 6, 7, 8.
324
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,076
TANGO, TANGO, TANGO.
325
00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:29,747
SCAN THE BALLROOM OF THE CUBAN
EMBASSY FOR THE DOUBLE AGENT
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MEET.
326
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:33,718
YOU'RE JUST SOME CANADIAN DUDE
DOWN HERE ON BUSINESS, AND...
327
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,353
THREAT!
WOODHOUSE!
328
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:36,788
CYRIL!
Cyril: OH! OH!
329
00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:39,791
Archer: SHOOT! SHOOT, BITCH!
DEMOCRACY'S AT STAKE.
330
00:12:39,826 --> 00:12:42,960
Cyril: TAKE THAT, FORCES OF
EVIL!
331
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:44,996
WHOA!
Trinette: WAY TO GO, BABY.
332
00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:46,664
YOU HIT IT.
Cyril: YEAH.
333
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,067
I DID, DIDN'T I?
Archer: SECOND THREAT, CYRIL.
334
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,335
Cyril: OH, RIGHT.
335
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,702
JESUS!
336
00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:54,138
Trinette: OW!
CHRIST ON SALE!
337
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,007
Archer: YEAH, CYRIL!
338
00:12:56,042 --> 00:12:58,543
THAT WAS TOTALLY NINJA.
Cyril: NO, ARCHER.
339
00:12:58,578 --> 00:12:59,711
THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCOOL.
340
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:00,911
Archer: SORRY, TRINETTE.
341
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,013
DID THAT HURT?
342
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,849
Trinette: YEAH, IT FRICKING
HURT, IDIOT!
IT'S ICE.
343
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,484
Archer: OKAY, WE'LL USE
GRAPES.
344
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:08,619
Woodhouse: WE'VE ONLY
LINGONBERRIES, SIR.
345
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,521
Archer: ARE THEY
BALLISTICALLY SIMILAR TO GRAPES?
346
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:13,657
Trinette: SCREW YOUR GRAPES
AND SCREW YOUR WHATEVER BERRIES!
347
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,827
I'M OUT OF HERE!
Cyril: NO, WAIT.
348
00:13:15,862 --> 00:13:16,827
TRINETTE, PLEASE.
349
00:13:16,862 --> 00:13:19,330
Trinette: PLEASE MY FAT IRISH
ASS! OW!
350
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:23,601
WHAT THE HELL'S IN YOUR FREAKING
POCKET?
Cyril: UM...
351
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:24,768
Trinette: OH, OH.
352
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,638
I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
Cyril: OH.
353
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:29,807
[ CELL PHONE RINGS ]
ME NEITHER.
354
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:32,710
Lana: AND VOICE MAIL AGAIN.
HUH.
355
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:37,182
SO, IT'S ME -- DUH -- AND DID
YOU SAY YOU'D COOK, OR DID I
MISHEAR THAT?
356
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:41,051
I KNOW I MISHEARD YOU ABOUT
JANE, BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, I RAN
INTO HER.
357
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:42,787
Lana: HEY, JANE.
358
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,288
Jane: [ GASPS ]
359
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:47,691
YOU GETTING A TAMPON?
YEAH. LOOSE END.
360
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:52,697
BUT I'M SURE YOU HAD A GOOD
REASON TO LIE TO ME, SO CAN'T
WAIT TO HEAR WHAT IT WAS.
361
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,533
Archer: OH, MY GOD!
YOU KILLED A HOOKER!
362
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,267
Cyril: CALL GIRL!
Archer: NO, CYRIL!
363
00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:59,571
WHEN THEY'RE DEAD, THEY'RE JUST
HOOKERS.
364
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:03,641
GOD, I SAID THE CAP SLIPS OFF
THE POISON PEN FOR NO REASON,
DIDN'T I?
365
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,243
Cyril: BUT I JUST ASSUMED
THAT IF ANYTHING BAD HAPPENED --
366
00:14:06,278 --> 00:14:11,315
Archer: NO, DO NOT SAY THE
CHEKHOV GUN, CYRIL.
THAT, SIR, IS A FACILE ARGUMENT.
367
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,951
Woodhouse: AND ALSO
WOEFULLY ESOTERIC.
Archer: WOODHOUSE.
368
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:15,887
Woodhouse: FETCHING A RUG,
SIR.
369
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,654
Archer: NOW HE'S FETCHING
A RUG.
370
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,024
HAPPY, CYRIL?!
Cyril: NO! NO, I'M NOT HAPPY!
371
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:22,660
Archer: WELL, GUESS WHAT!
ME NEITHER!
372
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:26,197
I MEAN, BIG PICTURE, I WOULDN'T
SAY I'M A HAPPY PERSON.
373
00:14:26,232 --> 00:14:28,600
Woodhouse: SIR, I HAVE
FETCHED THE RUG.
374
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:31,269
Archer: PLUS, NOW I'M OUT OF
A RUG.
375
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:36,307
Cyril: OH, GOD, I SHOULD
NEVER HAVE AGREED TO THIS.
376
00:14:36,342 --> 00:14:39,676
YOU AND YOUR STUPID MOTHER AND
HER STUPID FROTHING LOINS!
377
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:40,811
OW!
378
00:14:40,846 --> 00:14:43,681
Archer: I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET,
BUT IF YOU EVER MENTION MY
379
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:46,817
MOTHER'S LOINS OR THEIR
FROTHINESS TO ME AGAIN, I DON'T
380
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:50,388
KNOW WHAT I'LL DO, BUT IT WILL
BE BAD.
381
00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:55,660
NOW LET'S GO BURY THIS DEAD
HOOKER.
382
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:58,396
Cheryl: SHIRT TALES!
WE NEED A PASSWORD.
383
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:01,198
Pam: HANG ON A SECOND.
HOW YOU DOING, MISS ARCHER?
384
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,000
Malory: I AM GOOD.
385
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,436
Pam: OKAY TRY -- OKAY, TRY
"GUEST."
386
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:08,305
Cheryl: WELL, THAT'S JUST
IDI-- OH, MY GOD.
387
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:09,607
Pam: I KNOW, RIGHT?
388
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:12,877
SO HERE LET'S MAKE THE CO-PAY
ZERO AND THE DEDUCTIBLE --
389
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,578
Cheryl: SUPERHIGH, RIGHT?
390
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:15,513
Pam: NO. LOW.
391
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:17,314
YOU WANT THE LOWEST DEDUCTIBLE.
392
00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:21,485
Cheryl: BUT DON'T YOU
DEDUCT IT ON YOUR TAXES OR
SOMETHING, SO YOU WANT MORE?
393
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,720
Pam: AND PEOPLE THINK JANE'S
STUPID.
394
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:29,127
Cheryl: SPEAKING OF, IT'S
PROBABLY BETTER...IF JANE WAS
THE LAST ONE TO LOG IN.
395
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,895
Pam: YOU ARE A BITCH.
396
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,396
Malory: I AM NOT!
397
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:37,068
WHY, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
STERLING TO END UP WITH A WOMAN
LIKE LANA KANE?
398
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,902
MY GOD, A BLACK...
399
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,571
OPS FIELD AGENT?
400
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:44,675
Pam: THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING IN
A WHOLE OTHER DIRECTION WITH
THAT.
401
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:48,445
Malory: BECAUSE LET ME TELL
YOU, I WAS BLACK OPS, AND THAT
402
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,883
DOES NOT, FOR A YOUNG BOY, A
VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS MAKE.
403
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:54,018
Woodhouse: "AJAX A SUCCESS.
404
00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:55,653
TEHRAN IS OURS. STOP.
405
00:15:55,689 --> 00:15:59,190
MERRY XMAS FROM MOMMY AND
UNCLE KERMIT.
STOP."
406
00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:02,460
ALSO, UH, BE NICER TO WOODHOUSE.
STOP.
407
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:06,331
Archer: YOU MADE UP THAT LAST
PART, DIDN'T YOU?
Woodhouse: I DID, SIR.
408
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:07,331
Archer: DOUCHE.
409
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:08,466
Pam: OH, MY GOD.
410
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:09,801
Cheryl: I KNOW, RIGHT?
411
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,470
THIS IS THE MOST KICK-ASS HEALTH
PLAN EVER.
412
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:18,175
Malory: AND I THINK I JUST
HAD A FLASHBACK, SO...THESE
ANTIHISTAMINES ARE INSANE!
413
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:19,677
Archer: OH, I'M CRAZY?
414
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:23,781
CYRIL, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KILLED
A PERFECTLY GOOD HOOKER.
Cyril: BY ACCIDENT.
415
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,217
WE -- WE COULD EXPLAIN --
Archer: TO WHO, CYRIL?
416
00:16:26,252 --> 00:16:27,184
THE COPS? LANA?
417
00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:29,019
Cyril: SHE'D NEVER FORGIVE
ME.
418
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:30,354
ARCHER, MY LIFE IS RUINED.
419
00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:33,390
Archer: AND ALL BECAUSE
MOTHER COOKED UP THIS STUPID
420
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,893
PLAN TO MAKE YOU AN AGENT JUST
TO IMPRESS LANA!
421
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:36,861
IRONIC, ISN'T IT?
422
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,429
Cyril: I'M NOT SURE THAT'S
TECHNICALLY IRONY.
423
00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,131
Archer: WHAT?!
424
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:46,103
THIS IS LIKE O. HENRY AND
ALANIS MORISSETTE HAD A BABY AND
NAMED IT "THIS EXACT SITUATION."
425
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,005
Cyril: NO --
Archer: YES, IT IS!
426
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:53,010
BECAUSE A MAN LIKE YOU, CYRIL,
DOESN'T DESERVE A WOMAN LIKE
LANA!
427
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,879
Cyril: YOU BUTTHOLE!
428
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:59,149
YOU SET THIS ALL UP JUST TO
DRIVE ME AND LANA APART.
429
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,719
Archer: WELL?
Cyril: SCREW YOU, ARCHER!
430
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,354
Archer: HEY.
HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT.
431
00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:05,156
Cyril: EXACTLY.
432
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:10,761
I'M GONNA FILE A HOSTILE WORK
ENVIRONMENT LAWSUIT AGAINST YOU
AND YOUR MOTHER AND ISIS --
433
00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,596
Archer: WHAT?
WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
434
00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:15,266
Cyril: YOUR CONFEDERATES IN
OPERATION BUTTHOLE!
435
00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:16,700
Archer: CYRIL, THOSE AREN'T
MY CONFEDERATES.
436
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:19,337
NICE TRY, ARCHER, BUT
CYRIL FIGGIS AIN'T BUYING IT.
437
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,772
YOU HEAR THAT?!
I AIN'T BUYING IT!
438
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,273
[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ]
OH, MY GOD!
439
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:24,775
Archer: HOW ABOUT NOW, CYRIL?
440
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:27,645
Cyril: OH, MY GOD!
Archer: FEELING READY TO BUY?
441
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,814
Pam: TO SCATTERBRAIN JANE.
442
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:33,317
Cheryl: AND TO PLAN-COVERED
ELECTIVE SURGERY.
443
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,253
Pam: AND THE BOOB JOB THAT
YOU SO NEED.
444
00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:39,189
Cheryl: AND THE ASS-REDUCTION
THAT YOU SO NEED.
445
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,059
Pam: AND THE
SKINNY-BITCH-ECTOMY YOU NEED.
446
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,161
[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ]
OH, MY GOD, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
447
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,495
Cheryl: WHAT DO YOU
THINK IT IS?
Malory: IMMIGRANTS.
448
00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:46,997
THAT'S ALL THEY DO, YOU KNOW --
449
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:50,501
JUST DRIVE AROUND, LISTENING
TO RAPS, AND SHOOTING ALL THE
JOBS.
450
00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:51,501
[ GUNFIRE ]
451
00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:52,903
Cyril: WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?
452
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:54,138
Archer: HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
453
00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:58,376
KGB, THE STASI, SHINING PATH,
THIS GUY I KNOW NAMED POPEYE?
454
00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,643
I HAVE ENEMIES, OKAY?!
455
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:02,146
Cyril: THAT'S BECAUSE NO
ONE LIKES YOU!
456
00:18:02,181 --> 00:18:03,848
Archer: WHAT?
SERIOUSLY, DO YOU NOT SENSE
THAT?
457
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,483
Archer: I AM A PRODUCT OF MY
UPBRINGING, CYRIL.
458
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:11,154
Malory: WELL, I WAS A SINGLE
MOTHER, AND IT'S A BIG,
DANGEROUS WORLD OUT THERE.
459
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:13,391
ARE YOU IDIOTS STILL EVEN HERE?
460
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:16,026
Cyril: SO, WHY AREN'T YOU
BETTER AT THIS?
461
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:19,096
Archer: I AM THE BEST AT
THIS, RAIN MAN, OKAY?
462
00:18:19,131 --> 00:18:21,098
I'M LIKE --
Cyril: WHO? JAMES BOND?
463
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:24,935
Archer: WELL, I DON'T LIKE TO
INVITE THAT COMPARISON, BUT,
YEAH, BASICALLY.
464
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:28,172
Cyril: SO DO SOMETHING!
Archer: I'M DOING ALL KINDS
OF STUFF, CYRIL!
465
00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:30,574
I'M SHOOTING THE GUN, DRIVING
THE CAR.
466
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,510
Cyril: I COULD DRIVE BETTER
THAN THAT.
467
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:33,710
Archer: KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
468
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,245
I'M EJECTING.
Cyril: OH, NO YOU AREN'T.
469
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,980
Archer: OH, YES.
I AM TOTALLY AM.
470
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,215
STOP IT.
Cyril: NO.
471
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,918
Archer: THERE'S GRENADES IN
THE GLOVE BOX.
472
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,153
Lana: EXCUSE ME!
473
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:45,189
YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR TWO GUYS.
474
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:47,859
THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY TO THE
MORGUE.
475
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,160
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
476
00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:53,130
Archer: GREAT.
Cyril: ARCHER, WHAT AM I
GONNA TELL HER?
477
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,966
Archer: WELL, IF YOU LEARNED
ANYTHING TODAY, IT WON'T BE THE
TRUTH.
478
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:59,203
Lana: I DON'T CARE IF YOU
HAVE 50 DEAD HOOKERS IN THE
TRUNK.
479
00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:01,872
YOU LIED TO ME.
Archer: DID NOT LEARN
ANYTHING.
480
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:04,441
Cyril: WELL, YOU SHOT A
MACHINE GUN AT ME.
481
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:05,609
Lana: AROUND YOU.
482
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,378
BECAUSE MY FEELINGS WERE HURT.
483
00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:09,313
WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU LIE TO
ME?
484
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:14,418
Cyril: I JUST WANTED TO SHOW
YOU I COULD BE A SUPERCOOL ISIS
FIELD AGENT LIKE ARCHER.
485
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:18,556
Lana: BUT, BABY, DON'T YOU
KNOW I...LIKE YOU SO MUCH
486
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,525
BECAUSE YOU'RE EXACTLY THE
OPPOSITE OF ARCHER?
487
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:22,826
Cyril: WELL, YEAH.
488
00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:25,363
Lana: NOT TO MENTION YOUR
OTHER QUALITIES.
489
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,698
Cyril: OH, YOU ARE SUCH A
NAUGHTY NELLIE.
490
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:31,135
Archer: HE JUST GETS A PASS,
LIKE MILTON BERLE?
Lana: YUP.
491
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,402
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
492
00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:34,839
Cyril: HEY, SO, HOW DID YOU
KNOW WHERE I WAS?
493
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,775
Lana: WHEN WE FIRST STARTED
GOING OUT, I MAY HAVE...
494
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,110
INJECTED A TRACKING DEVICE INTO
YOUR BODY.
495
00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:41,345
Cyril: IN MY BODY?
496
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:43,614
NO, NOW, THAT IS A BREACH OF
TRUST, LANA.
497
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:46,249
Lana: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO
OPEN THIS CAN OF TRUST-BREACHY
498
00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:50,187
WORMS, RIGHT AFTER I CAUGHT YOU
AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND WITH A DEAD
HOOKER IN THE TRUNK?
499
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:52,722
Cyril: I DO NOT.
Lana: YOU DO NOT.
500
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:55,893
Cyril: OH, AND, ARCHER, HOW'S
THIS FOR IRONIC?
501
00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:56,494
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
502
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,962
Archer: YO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
503
00:19:57,997 --> 00:20:02,299
I DON'T HAVE A "ONE TO SOME
OTHER NUMBER OF DOUCHE BAG"
SCALE, SO SIX.
504
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,334
[ METAL POUNDING ]
505
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:04,668
OH, MY GOD. TRINETTE.
506
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,438
Trinette: YEAH, TRINETTE,
YOU SHIT ASS!
507
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:10,107
Lana: SO, YOU KNOW YOU
HAVE TO BE PUNISHED.
508
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:13,710
SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IS WALK
INTO OUR VIDEO STORE AND BUY THE
509
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:19,683
NASTIEST, BAREBACKINGEST,
HARD-DICKINGEST, BALL-SLAPPIEST
INTERRACIAL PORNO IN THERE.
510
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,152
Cyril: FROM THE SWEET, OLD
KOREAN LADY?
511
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:22,953
Lana: YUP.
512
00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:24,288
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
513
00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:26,357
Cyril: LIKE I GOT OFF
PRETTY EASY.
514
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,758
Lana: NIGHT AIN'T OVER YET.
515
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:30,827
Trinette: THROW ME
IN A TRUNK?!
Archer: NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
516
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,963
Trinette: INJECT ME WITH
SOME CRAZY SPY POISON?
517
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:35,165
Archer: IT WAS JUST A
HARMLESS TRANQUILIZER.
518
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,969
AND LET'S BE HONEST -- I DOUBT
THAT'S THE FIRST NEEDLE YOU
EVER -- OW.
519
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,905
Trinette: I NEVER!
GIVE ME YOUR WALLET.
520
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,239
Archer: I ALREADY PAID YOU.
521
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:43,941
Trinette: FILE A
CUSTOMER-SERVICE COMPLAINT.
522
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,610
I'M SURE POPEYE WOULD LOVE TO
HEAR IT.
523
00:20:46,645 --> 00:20:49,146
Archer: HEY, COME ON.
YOU WOULDN'T TELL POPEYE.
524
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,748
Trinette: OH, WATCH ME.
525
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:51,816
OH, GIVE ME YOUR WATCH.
526
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:53,351
Archer: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
THIS THING COSTS?
527
00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:55,386
Trinette: PROBABLY LESS THAN
A NEW SET OF KNEECAPS.
528
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:56,487
Archer: THERE. HAPPY?
529
00:20:56,522 --> 00:20:58,989
Trinette: ALMOST.
530
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,857
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
531
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:05,396
Archer: YOU KNOW, I BET
THERE'S A LESSON TO BE LEARNED
FROM ALL THIS, BUT I --
532
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,531
OH, SHIT! MY RUG!
42258
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