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[ Russian accent ] STERLING
ARCHER.
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00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:04,970
[ LIGHTER CLICKS ]
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CODE NAME -- DUCHESS.
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00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,173
[ FLAME IGNITES ]
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00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:09,475
HMM.
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00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:15,580
KNOWN FROM BERLIN TO BANGKOK AS
THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS SPY.
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00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:21,753
SO FOR US, THIS IS -- HOW YOU
SAY? -- "A GOOD GET."
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00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:28,393
BUT NOT SO GOOD FOR YOU,
MR. ARCHER, BECAUSE YOU HAVE
INFORMATION THAT I WANT.
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00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,629
AND THIS MAY BE OLD CLICHÉ,
BUT...
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00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,430
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
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00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:35,167
...WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU
TALK.
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Archer: WHAT, YOUR LITTLE
GO-KART BATTERY?
13
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,604
GOLF CART.
14
00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:41,740
Archer: WHATEVER.
WOULD YOU PICK AN ACCENT AND
STICK WITH IT?
15
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,141
[ American accent ] LISTEN
HERE, YOU LITTLE --
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00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:44,510
Malory: SON OF A BITCH!
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00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,779
NOW YOU DID IT.
18
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,551
Malory: WHAT IS THE POINT OF
T HESE SIMULATIONS...
19
00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:54,586
Archer: CRENSHAW'S AROUSAL?
20
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,955
Malory: ...IF YOU DON'T TAKE
THEM SERIOUSLY?!
21
00:00:56,991 --> 00:00:58,156
Archer: HOW CAN I?!
22
00:00:58,191 --> 00:01:00,125
BETWEEN HIS LAME ACCENT AND THE
GO-KART BATTERY.
23
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,126
Crenshaw: GOLF CART!
Archer: SHUT UP.
24
00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:03,796
AND SPEAKING OF LAME, MY CODE NAME --
25
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:06,932
Malory: WAS CHOSEN AT RANDOM
BY THE ISIS COMPUTER.
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00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:09,234
Archer: RANDOM?
IT WAS YOUR DOG'S NAME.
27
00:01:09,269 --> 00:01:12,337
Malory: OHH, DUCHESS.
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I LOVED HER SO MUCH.
29
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,841
Archer: THAT IT WAS CREEPY
AND PATHETIC?
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00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:18,310
Malory: AND IF YOU WERE HALF
AS SMART AS SHE WAS --
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00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:20,579
Archer: SHE WASN'T TOO SMART
TO DIE FROM EATING CHOCOLATE!
32
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,480
WAS SHE?
Malory: EXERCISE TERMINATED!
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00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:24,116
Archer: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
LUNCH, THEN.
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00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,818
Malory: AGENT PERFORMANCE -- UNSATISFACTORY!
35
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:29,054
Archer: AT WORST, THAT WAS
"NEEDS IMPROVEMENT."
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00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,121
Crenshaw: JESUS, ARCHER.
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YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?
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00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,758
Archer: NO, I THINK JENGA'S
A GAME.
39
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,425
Crenshaw: WHAT IF I'D BEEN
REAL KGB?
40
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Archer: I ASSUME YOU'D BE
TRYING TO SUCK A PROMOTION OUT
OF SOME RUSSIAN GUY'S COCK!
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00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,197
Crenshaw: WELL, MAYBE I NEVER
GET PROMOTED...
42
00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:40,232
Archer: AND NEVER WILL.
43
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,800
Crenshaw: ...BECAUSE MY
MOMMY'S NOT THE BOSS!
44
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,869
Archer: AND MAYBE YOU JUST
GOT YOUR FACE KICKED OFF!
45
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,738
THAT IS MY FOOT IN YOUR FACE!
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SMELL THE EMBARRASSMENT!
47
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,142
AAH! AAH!
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MOTHER, DID YOU SEE THAT?!
49
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,614
MOTHER?!
50
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,349
MOTHER?!
51
00:02:31,918 --> 00:02:33,885
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
52
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,053
CHÉRIE.
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00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,356
[ GRUMBLES ]
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00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:40,492
[ ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS ]
55
00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:42,960
Archer: Leave a message at
the tone.
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00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,396
Uh...tone.
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00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:47,432
This is Four-five-six
Laundry.
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00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,234
Your shirts are ready...for a
week.
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00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:50,401
Archer: [ GROANS ]
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00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:52,170
[ French accent ] GOOD
MORNING.
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00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:52,971
Archer: HEY, YOU.
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00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,539
I'M SO HUNGRY.
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00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:58,176
Archer: JUST GIVE ME FIVE
MINUTES ON MY BACKHAND, AND
WE'LL SEE IF THERE'S A...
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00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,444
IS THAT A DOG?!
OUI.
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00:02:59,479 --> 00:03:01,980
Archer: IS IT A DOG?!
OUI, THAT IS ABELARD.
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00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,148
Archer: OH, ADORABLE!
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00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,649
NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
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00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,484
[ GASPS ]
BUT YOU PROMISED ME BREAKFAST!
69
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:08,386
Archer: YOU WANT BREAKFAST?
TRY THE DINER!
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00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:09,654
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY INTO GREEK!
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[ GASPS ]
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Archer: GET IT?
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[ BARKS ]
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00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,026
Archer: THANK YOU, ABELARD.
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IT'S A SHORT LIST, WOODHOUSE.
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00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,630
TWO THINGS WE DON'T ALLOW IN
HERE -- WHAT ARE THEY?
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DOGS AND YOUR MOTHER.
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00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,966
Archer: THAT'S A VERY SHORT
LIST, ISN'T IT?
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00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:23,635
YES, BUT...
Archer: WHAT?
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00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:26,604
...YOU WERE QUITE, UH,
INSISTENT THAT AN EXCEPTION BE
MADE.
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00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:32,844
Archer: [ Slurring ] NO, NO,
NO, BECAUSE FORGET THE DOG RULE
BECAUSE THIS PUG IS AMAZING!
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00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,112
WATCH THIS.
ABEGARD, GO.
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[ BARKING ]
Archer: [ IMITATES BARKING ]
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00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:37,516
DO YOU NOT HEAR THAT?
85
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THAT'S "PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ,"
MAN!
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I'M ALWAYS INSISTENT, WOODHOUSE.
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00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:43,521
YES, SIR.
Archer: BUT I'M NOT TO BE
TRUSTED, AM I?
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00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,323
NO, SIR, BUT --
Archer: STOP. SHUT UP.
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00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,125
I HAVE TO GO.
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00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:52,331
BUT IF I FIND ONE SINGLE DOG
HERE WHEN I GET BACK, I'LL RUB
SAND IN YOUR DEAD, LITTLE EYES.
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00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:53,498
VERY GOOD, SIR.
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00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,234
Archer: I ALSO NEED YOU TO GO
BUY SAND.
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00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:57,268
YES, SIR.
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00:03:57,303 --> 00:04:01,439
Archer: I DON'T KNOW IF THEY
GRADE IT, BUT...
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00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:02,541
COARSE.
96
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,814
[ BELL JINGLES ]
97
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:13,084
ONE ENTIRE, WHOLE WEEK WE'VE
BEEN CALLING YOU.
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00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,953
HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL.
Archer: REALLY?
99
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:18,156
BECAUSE I FIND YOUR SWEATINESS
UNPROFESSIONAL.
100
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,759
SO WE HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN
COMMON, BESIDES THE FACT THAT
101
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NOW BOTH OF OUR SHIRTS REEK OF
CURRY!
102
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,629
AND WHEN WILL YOU SETTLE YOUR
ACCOUNT?!
103
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,898
Archer: WHEN WILL YOU BUY
SOME DRESS SHIELDS?
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00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:27,966
THIS IS NOT A DRESS!
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00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,200
Archer: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
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THAT'S NOT A DRESS?!
107
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[ SNIFFS ]
OH, GOD, WITH THE CURRY AGAIN.
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00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:38,276
THIS SHIRT SMELLS LIKE
INDIRA GANDHI'S THONG.
109
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:39,977
BITTE WARTEN SIE.
110
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,446
DANKE. BONJOUR!
111
00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:43,715
Archer: HEY, YOU WANT TO
SMELL SOMETHING?
112
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:46,417
SWEAR TO GOD, MR. ARCHER, I
HAVE H.R. ON SPEED DIAL!
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00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:47,519
Archer: SHUT UP.
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HEY, KRIEGER, YOU GOT TO SMELL
THIS.
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00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:51,355
KRIEGER?
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HMM.
117
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:54,659
HEY, YOU GEEKS WANT TO SMELL
SOMETHING?
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00:04:54,694 --> 00:04:55,794
ARCHER, GET THE HELL OUT!
119
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,996
Archer: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU
PEOPLE?
120
00:04:58,031 --> 00:04:59,898
TRY TO INCLUDE PEOPLE IN YOUR
LIFE, AND THEN YOU --
121
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:02,434
LANA! HEY!
HEY, WHAT DOES THIS SMELL LIKE?
122
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:07,238
Lana: UM, LIKE THE
DYSFUNCTIONAL ASSHOLE I BROKE UP
WITH SIX MONTHS AGO!
123
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,774
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE AMAZING!
124
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,842
Archer: YOU ARE AMAZING,
SWEET STUFF.
125
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:13,644
Lana: WANT TO DO IT AGAIN AND
PUT ON SOME INTERRACIAL PORN?
126
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:17,849
Archer: GOD, IT'S LIKE MY
BRAIN'S THAT TREE AND YOU'RE
THOSE LITTLE COOKIE ELVES.
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00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:18,917
Lana: [ SMOOCHES ]
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[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
Archer: UH, JUST A SECOND.
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00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,287
Lana: NO, BABY, DON'T ANSWER
THAT.
130
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,122
Archer: I HAVE TO. SORRY.
IT'S MOTHER.
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00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,590
MOTHER, HEY.
Lana: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU.
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00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:26,691
Archer: JUST A SECOND.
133
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:30,395
NO, TURN IT ON.
I-I CAN DO BOTH.
134
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:31,429
WHAT?
135
00:05:31,464 --> 00:05:34,065
Lana: SO DON'T SPEAK TO ME...
EVER.
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00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:37,368
AND WHILE YOU'RE NOT EVER
SPEAKING TO ME, JUMP UP YOUR OWN
ASS AND DIE!
137
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:38,536
Archer: OH, REAL--
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00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,037
AFTER ALL THAT H.R. MEDIATION?!
139
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,306
REALLY?!
Lana: YEP!
140
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,174
Archer: AFTER ALL THE HARD
WORK PAM DID!
141
00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:45,110
Cyril: IS THAT ARCHER?
Archer: AH, DAMN IT.
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00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,745
Cyril: ARCHER, HEY.
Archer: GO AWAY.
143
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,580
Cyril: LISTEN, ABOUT YOUR
OPERATIONS ACCOUNT --
144
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:49,747
Archer: CYRIL, NOT NOW.
145
00:05:49,782 --> 00:05:51,583
Cyril: YES, NOW.
Archer: NOT A GOOD TIME.
146
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,318
Cyril: YOU GOT SOME SERIOUS
DISCREPANCIES IN YOUR ACCOUNT.
147
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,786
Archer: NO, CYRIL.
148
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:58,156
Cyril: I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T
USE OPERATIONAL FUNDS FOR
PERSONAL EXPENSES.
149
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:04,095
Archer: COME ON, 22 BLACK!
150
00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:05,363
22 BLACK!
151
00:06:05,398 --> 00:06:06,598
22...
152
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,867
BLACK! ASS! SON OF A BITCH!
153
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,470
I -- UH -- NOT YOU, GIANT
AFRICAN MAN.
154
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,671
I'M -- I'M SORRY.
155
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,406
CAN I OFFER YOU A DRINK?
156
00:06:14,441 --> 00:06:17,375
HOW ABOUT THIS EXPENSIVE
PROSTITUTE?
157
00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:19,410
THAT IS A VERY SERIOUS
IMPLICATION, CYRIL.
158
00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:20,745
Cyril: WELL, SO IS
EMBEZZLEMENT.
159
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:22,113
Archer: YEAH?!
160
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:24,883
WELL, SO IS THE FACT THAT YOU
SOME-CRAZY-HOW ARE SCREWING MY
EX!
161
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,484
Cyril: ARCHER, PLEASE.
162
00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:29,587
Archer: WHAT, IS THAT NOT
COMMON KNO-- YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT
CYRIL AND LANA, RIGHT?
163
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,389
Cyril: ARCHER!
164
00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:35,626
Archer: OF COURSE, BECAUSE IF
PAM KNOWS, THEN EVERYBODY KNOWS
BECAUSE OF PAM'S HUGE MOUTH.
165
00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:37,128
RIGHT, PAM?
Pam: [ GASPS ]
166
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:40,598
Archer: H.R. MEDIATIONS ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE CONFIDENTIAL,
PAM, YOU MANATEE!
167
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,666
Cyril: OH.
168
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:44,302
Archer: AND AS FOR YOU,
CYRIL, GOOD DAY, SIR!
169
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,037
Cyril: HEY, WAIT!
170
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,972
WHAT ABOUT YOUR...ACCOUNT?
171
00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:49,975
OH, I GET IT.
CLASSIC MISDIRECTION.
172
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,142
[ KEYBOARD CLACKING ]
173
00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:52,410
Cheryl: [ WHIMPERING ]
174
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:53,645
Archer: NO, DON'T.
175
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,247
YOU'RE SO UGLY WHEN YOU CRY.
176
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,380
Cheryl: [ GASPS ]
177
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,282
MR. ARCHER!
Archer: I'M FINE.
178
00:06:58,317 --> 00:06:59,817
IS SHE IN, OR OUT EATING A BABY?
179
00:06:59,852 --> 00:07:02,186
Cheryl: YOU STOOD ME UP AGAIN
LAST NIGHT!
180
00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:03,555
Archer: LAST -- OH, YEAH!
181
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,390
WHAT HAPPENED WAS, UM...
182
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,392
DID YOU SEE "BRIAN'S SONG"?
183
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,762
SAME THING PRETTY MUCH HAPPENED.
184
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:12,130
I HELPED A GUY WITH CANCER.
185
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:14,532
LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY, CAROL,
BUT I COULDN'T.
186
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:15,667
Cheryl: IT'S CHERYL!
187
00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:17,002
Archer: I KNOW, OKAY?
188
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:18,636
CHERYL.
SO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU...
189
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,071
Cheryl: [ INHALES DEEPLY ]
190
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,140
I'M READY.
Archer: COULD YOU BUZZ ME IN?
191
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,241
Cheryl: [ SCOFFS ]
192
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,710
IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?!
193
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,148
Archer: YES.
194
00:07:30,184 --> 00:07:33,752
Malory: NOW TELL ME AGAIN
HOW -- NO, NOT THAT PART.
195
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:34,919
GO BACK.
196
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,954
YES! THE PEPPER!
197
00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:38,322
OHH! YES!
198
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,358
GOD! OH, GOD!
199
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,660
OHH! GOD DAMN IT!
200
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:44,462
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
201
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,231
Archer: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
202
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:48,967
Malory: I-I-I'M...
203
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:52,504
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'VE JUST
BEEN REVIEWING YOUR OPERATIONS
ACCOUNT.
204
00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:53,772
Archer: NO.
Malory: YES.
205
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,939
Archer: NO.
Malory: YES.
206
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,541
Archer: NO.
Malory: YES!
Archer: NO!
207
00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:57,775
Malory: AND IT MAKES FOR
FASCINATING READING.
208
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,644
LET'S SEE.
209
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:05,583
YOU TURNED IN AN EXPENSE REPORT
FROM BERLIN, WHERE THE GERMAN
DESK SAYS YOU NEVER CHECKED IN.
210
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,152
Archer: OH, UH, BERLIN WAS --
211
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,386
Malory: DITTO BUENOS AIRES.
212
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,288
TOO BUSY TO CHECK IN?
Archer: YEAH.
213
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,824
Malory: OR ALREADY OFF TO
MONACO?
Archer: I'M SPYING.
214
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:14,926
Malory: OR WAS IT MAJORCA?
OOH! OR TUNIS?!
215
00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:17,262
Archer: TUNIS KIND OF RINGS A
BELL.
216
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:20,364
Malory: ISIS ISN'T YOUR OWN
PERSONAL TRAVEL AGENCY!
217
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,269
IT DOESN'T EXIST JUST SO YOU CAN
JET OF TO...WHORE ISLAND!
218
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:27,138
Archer: THAT'S NOT A REAL
PLACE.
219
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:30,808
Malory: I HAVE 50 AGENTS
WHO'D LITERALLY KILL TO MOVE UP
TO YOUR POSITION.
220
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:35,279
AND IF YOU DON'T SQUARE YOUR
OPERATIONS ACCOUNT BY MONDAY,
THEY WON'T NEED TO.
221
00:08:35,314 --> 00:08:37,281
YOUR POSITION WILL BE VACANT!
222
00:08:37,316 --> 00:08:38,650
STERLING!
Archer: HMM?
223
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,418
SORRY, I WAS PICTURING
WHORE ISLAND.
224
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:42,019
Malory: HAVE I MADE MYSELF
CLEAR?
225
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,522
Archer: ARE YOU -- YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR THE ANSWER "YES."
226
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,290
Malory: YES.
Archer: THEN YES.
227
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,859
Malory: GOOD.
THEN GET OUT.
228
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,894
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, TAKE A
SHOWER.
229
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,595
SMELLS LIKE A WHOREHOUSE IN
HERE.
230
00:08:51,631 --> 00:08:53,331
Archer: OKAY, YOUR OWN
FINGERS.
231
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,167
Malory: HMM?
Archer: NOTHING.
232
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,469
JOHNNY BENCH CALLED.
233
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,941
Archer: SO, HERE'S THE
THING -- I NEED TO ACCESS MY
234
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:06,811
OPERATIONS ACCOUNT, AND YOU'RE
PREVENTING THAT.
235
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:10,482
NOW, WE CAN DO THIS EASY, OR WE
CAN DO IT HARD.
236
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:13,751
YOUR CALL.
NO?
HARD IT IS, THEN!
237
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:16,554
[ METAL CLANKING ]
[ BULLET RICOCHETS ]
238
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,790
AAH!
Archer: OH, GOD. SORRY.
239
00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:21,859
GOD DAMN IT, ARCHER!
Archer: I FORGOT THAT -- DID
I GET YOU?
240
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,995
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Archer: ME? NOTHING.
241
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:26,430
YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAVE A
BULLET INSIDE YOU.
242
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:28,133
Crenshaw: I SEE THE FOOT'S
ALL BETTER.
243
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,601
Archer: AND I SEE YOU'RE
STILL A HATCHET-FACED PRICK.
244
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:32,771
Crenshaw: MM, DO YOU SEE THAT
SIGN?
245
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,572
Archer: UH, DO YOU SEE THAT
SIGN?
246
00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:36,240
Crenshaw: WELL...
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
247
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:39,844
Archer: THAT'S WHY -- SO WE
DON'T GET ANTS.
248
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,547
Pam: BECAUSE WHEN YOUR
CO-WORKERS PUT FOOD IN THE
249
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,983
REFRIGERATOR, THAT'S A BOND OF
TRUST, OKAY?
250
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:49,821
AND IF YOU VIOLATE THAT TRUST,
OR THE FOOD --
251
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:52,090
Archer: THERE'S MY FAVORITE
SECTION HEAD.
252
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,959
Pam: I AM DEALING WITH THE
BREAK-ROOM PROBLEM.
253
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,560
Archer: OH, GOOD.
254
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:59,263
YOU CAUGHT THE, UH -- OH, WAIT,
I HAD SOMETHING FOR THIS -- THE
PITA PREDATOR!
255
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:00,532
Pam: YOU KNOW WHAT?
256
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:03,034
Archer: SORRY, LET'S JUST
CALL IT WHAT IT IS -- FOOD
RAPIST.
257
00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:04,635
Pam: NOT A PRETTY NAME, IS
IT?
258
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,704
Archer: OH, AND, PAM, IF YOU
WANT SOME FOOD THAT'S SUPPOSED
259
00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:11,976
TO BE CREAM-FILLED, I OFFER
THESE DELICIOUS DOUGHNUTS -- IN
EXCHANGE FOR A FAVOR.
260
00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:15,179
Pam: A FAVOR?!
AFTER HOW YOU TREATED ME?!
261
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,748
Archer: WELL [BLEEP] YOUR
DOLPHIN, PAM!
262
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,182
Lana: ARCHER, SHE'S DOWN, ALL
RIGHT?
263
00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:19,784
Archer: YOUR [BLEEP] DOLPHIN!
264
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,153
Lana: SHE'S TAPPING OUT.
I THINK SHE PEED.
265
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,455
Pam: I HAD TO GET THREE
STITCHES.
266
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:27,558
Archer: AND I BROKE MY WATCH.
AND I'M SORRY FOR THAT.
267
00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:33,831
BUT I-I NEED YOUR HELP, PAM,
BECAUSE I-I'M...UM...CONDUCTING
A MOLE HUNT.
268
00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:35,700
Pam: [ GASPS ]
Archer: GASP YOU SHOULD,
BECAUSE IF YOU LET ME IN THE
269
00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:37,468
MAINFRAME, I'LL DROP THESE
DOUGHNUTS.
270
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:44,475
THEN YOU CAN PRETEND THEY'RE
MARBLES AND YOU'RE A HUNGRY,
HUNGRY...
271
00:10:44,510 --> 00:10:48,146
...HUNGRY HIPPO.
LANA!
272
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:52,950
HEY, I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
UP MY OWN ASS RIGHT NOW, BUT...
273
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,886
OH, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!
Lana: YEP.
274
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:56,954
Archer: BECAUSE THAT'S HOW
YOU GET ANTS!
275
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:57,989
Lana: YAY!
276
00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,490
Archer: CYRIL, MY FAVORITE
SECTION HEAD!
277
00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:01,559
Cyril: [ SIGHS ]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
278
00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:06,064
Archer: TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY
BEHAVIOR, AND ALSO TO -- WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
279
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,133
Cyril: OH, UH, JUST DICING
VEGGIES FOR DINNER.
280
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,936
I ALWAYS MAKE LANA STIR-FRY ON
FRIDAY.
281
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,071
Archer: NEAT. LISTEN --
Cyril: GUESS WHAT WE CALL IT.
282
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,473
Archer: STIR-FRIDAY?
283
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,408
Cyril: WOW, IT'S ACTUALLY
BETTER.
284
00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:20,711
Archer: IT'S ALL YOURS, SO
COME LET ME IN THE MAINFRAME.
285
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:23,848
Cyril: IS THIS ABOUT YOUR
OPERATIONS ACCOUNT?
286
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:27,251
Archer: NO! CYRIL!
I'M ON A TOP-SECRET MOLE HUNT.
287
00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:29,253
Cyril: OH, YEAH, PAM
MENTIONED THAT.
288
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,622
Archer: W-WHEN?!
Cyril: WELL, SHE CALLED A
MINUTE AGO.
289
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,057
YOU KNOW HOW PAM LOVES TO
GOSSIP.
290
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,392
Archer: YEAH, I NEED RUG
MARBLES.
291
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,594
I KNOW.
SO COME LET ME INTO THE
MAINFRAME.
292
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,596
Cyril: OKAY, BUT I NEED TO
CONFIRM THIS WITH YOUR MOTHER.
293
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:43,201
Archer: NO! NO.
I-I MEAN, CYRIL, WHAT IF SHE'S
THE MOLE?
294
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,769
THINK ABOUT IT.
Cyril: YOUR OWN MOTHER?
295
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,437
Archer: THINK WHAT THAT WOULD
DO TO ME...
296
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:48,005
IF WE HAD TO KILL HER...
Cyril: ARCHER.
297
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:52,009
Archer: ...BY STABBING HER
WRINKLY NECK...
298
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,077
WITH A KNIFE.
299
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:54,612
Cyril: YEAH, I CAN'T LET YOU
IN THERE.
300
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,414
Archer: "CAN'T" OR "WON'T"?
301
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,450
Cyril: EITHER?
Archer: AND AFTER I GAVE YOU
"STIR-FRIDAY."
302
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,619
Cyril: THAT IS MUCH BETTER.
Archer: I KNOW.
303
00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:06,257
Cyril: BUT IF YOU WANT TO
ACCESS THE MAINFRAME, I GUESS
YOU'D HAVE TO BREAK IN.
304
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:10,594
[ CHUCKLES ]
Archer: BREAK INTO THE ISIS
MAINFRAME.
305
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:16,166
Cyril: WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY
LUDICROUS, AS IS THIS BABY CORN.
306
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:19,070
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
ARCHER?
307
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:21,906
Archer: ISIS HEADQUARTERS
MAKES FORT KNOX LOOK LIKE A
308
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,842
GINGERBREAD HOUSE -- ONLY TWO
MEANS OF INGRESS.
309
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:26,578
THE FIRST, AT STREET LEVEL --
310
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:30,247
IMPENETRABLE AFTER 6:00.
311
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:36,420
THE SECOND, THROUGH AN ACCESS
DOOR ON THE ROOF -- INEXPLICABLY
UNPROTECTED.
312
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:41,092
BUT EVEN IF YOU ZIP-LINED
ACROSS, REACHED THE ACCESS DOOR,
313
00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:46,864
AND SOMEHOW MADE IT INTO ISIS
HEADQUARTERS, YOU'D STILL HAVE
TO FIND THE MAINFRAME.
314
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,900
BUT WAIT -- IT GETS WORSE.
315
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,770
INSIDE, THERE ARE THREE
COUNTERMEASURE SYSTEMS.
316
00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:55,473
THE FIRST IS PRESSURE-SENSITIVE
IN THE FLOOR.
317
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:56,841
EVEN A MOUSE TRIGGERS IT.
318
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,576
THE SECOND IS SOUND-SENSITIVE.
319
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,844
ANYTHING ABOVE A WHISPER SETS IT
OFF.
320
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,113
[ CLACKS ]
321
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:04,982
AND THE THIRD SYSTEM IS
STATE-OF-THE-ART VOICE
ACTIVATION.
322
00:13:05,017 --> 00:13:07,451
Cyril: CYRIL... FIGGIS.
323
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:10,321
[ BEEPS ]
324
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:14,825
SO, OBVIOUSLY, IT WOULD BE A LOT
EASIER FOR ME IF YOU JUST
325
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:18,328
DISABLED ALL THAT WHEN YOU LEFT
WORK TONIGHT, SOMEHOW.
326
00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:20,364
Cheryl: MM...
Archer: YEAH.
327
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,399
Cheryl: THAT WOULD MAKE ME...
328
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,501
UNCOMFORTABLE.
329
00:13:23,537 --> 00:13:27,404
Archer: GOD, EVERYTHING MAKES
YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!
330
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,039
JUST THE TIP?
JUST THE TIP.
331
00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:32,009
Cheryl: [ WHIMPERING ]
Archer: JUST THE TIP!
332
00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:34,612
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
YOU'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT?
333
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,547
Cheryl: BECAUSE I KEPT
SCREAMING IT!
334
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:37,615
Archer: WELL?
335
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,817
Cheryl: AND THIS -- I'M JUST
A SECRETARY.
336
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:43,420
I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO SECURITY
WHATEVERS.
337
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:45,223
Archer: THEN GET THEM FROM
CYRIL!
338
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,657
Cheryl: HOW WOULD I DO THAT?
339
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:49,294
Archer: SEDUCE HIM OR -- OR
PAM -- OR BOTH!
340
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,661
Cheryl: I CAN'T DO THAT!
341
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,463
Archer: "CAN'T" OR "WON'T"?
Cheryl: EITHER.
342
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,932
Archer: THAT'S HOW YOU WANT
TO PLAY IT?
FINE!
343
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,335
Cheryl: ARE...YOU GONNA PAY
FOR YOUR LUNCH?
344
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:59,770
Archer: JUST THE TIP.
Cheryl: [ SCOFFS ]
345
00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:00,938
Archer: UH...
346
00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:03,608
ACTUALLY, I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH.
347
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:06,110
CAN YOU...GET IT?
348
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:07,544
SORRY, I ALSO NEED CAB FARE.
349
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,712
Cheryl: [ SNIFFLES ]
350
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:11,082
Archer: OH, UGLY DUCKLING.
351
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:12,183
BAWK! BAWK!
352
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,422
Archer: SO, THANKS FOR
NOTHING, CAROL.
353
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:21,759
NOW I HAVE TO BREAK INTO ISIS
HEADQUARTERS IN A $900
TURTLENECK.
354
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:28,466
AND IF IT GETS RUINED, I'M GONNA
MAKE YOU DRINK HEAVY CREAM,
YOU...CAROL!
355
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:34,839
WOW, THAT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY
EASY.
356
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:35,940
THANKS, NEW TURTLENECK.
357
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,007
[ FABRIC TEARS ]
358
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,043
OH, F-- OH, AND THANK YOU,
DUFFEL BAG!
359
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:45,349
JESUS, WHAT ELSE COULD GO
WRONG?!
360
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:46,784
[ DIALING ]
361
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,120
[ Telephone ringing ]
362
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:51,656
Lana: EXACTLY.
YOU'RE NOT ARCHER.
363
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:55,293
THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT
YOU -- THAT AND THE FACT THAT
YOUR MOTHER DIED IN A FIRE.
364
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,360
Cyril: WHAT?
[ CELL PHONE RINGING ]
365
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:58,229
Lana: I SAID, "WHERE ARE WE
ON THAT STIR-FRY?"
366
00:14:58,264 --> 00:14:59,330
AGENT KANE.
367
00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:00,631
[ Speaks indistinctly ]
Lana: WHAT?!
368
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:02,433
[ Speaks indistinctly ]
Lana: YES. CONFIRMED.
369
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:05,469
Cyril: CONFIRMED A
NAUGHTY NELLY'S BREAKING OUR
AFTER-WORK PHONE RULES.
370
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,505
Lana: CYRIL, THERE'S BEEN A
BREAK-IN AT ISIS.
371
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:09,173
Cyril: WHAT?!
YOU THINK IT'S THE MOLE?
372
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:10,475
Lana: GOD, YOU AND PAM.
373
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,076
Cyril: PAM'S ALL RIGHT.
Lana: WOW.
374
00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:13,778
OKAY, UH, I'VE GOT TO GO.
375
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:15,679
Cyril: BUT IT'S STIR-FRIDAY.
376
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:16,848
Lana: HOORAY!
377
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:19,717
BUT IF I'M NOT HERE...
378
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,852
Cyril: YEAH.
379
00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:24,889
BECAUSE AFTER THREE MONTHS OF
WHATEVER IT IS WE'RE DOING, I
380
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:28,926
JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD
THAT YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE IN
YOUR APARTMENT.
381
00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:31,195
Lana: I KNOW I HAVE TRUST
ISSUES, ALL RIGHT?
382
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:32,296
BUT IT'S ARCHER'S FAULT I'M LIKE
THIS.
383
00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:34,064
Cyril: AND HERE WE GO.
384
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,702
Lana: ALL THOSE YEARS OF THE
LYING AND THE CHEATING AND THAT
THING WITH THE MAYONNAISE --
385
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:38,902
Cyril: IT'S FINE.
386
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,638
Lana: NOT TO MENTION HOW
MESSED UP HE IS ABOUT HIS
MOTHER.
387
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,975
DO YOU KNOW HE CALLED OUT HER
NAME ONCE WHEN WE WERE --
388
00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:46,444
Cyril: FI-I-I-NE!
389
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:52,750
AND HERE WE ARE. ALL FINE.
[ CELL PHONE RINGS ]
Lana: CYRIL, COME ON.
390
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,418
Cyril: NOW WHO'S THE
NAUGHTY NELLY?
391
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:55,986
YES? HELLO?
Archer: Hi. Who's this?
392
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:57,488
Cyril: CYRIL... FIGGIS.
393
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,290
Archer: I'M SORRY.
DID YOU SAY, "FAGGIS"?
394
00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:01,592
Cyril: FIGGIS.
Archer: What is it?
Cyril: FIGGIS.
395
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:02,760
Lana: BETTER NOT BE PAM.
396
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:05,262
Archer: Not "Faggis"?
Cyril: FIGGIS.
I WAS VERY CLEAR.
397
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,531
Archer: HI, I'M A HUGE FAN OF
COCK, AND MY NAME IS...
398
00:16:07,566 --> 00:16:09,567
Cyril: Cyril... Figgis.
399
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:10,735
[ BEEPS ]
400
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,636
[ CHATTERS ]
401
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:15,773
Archer: HOLY SHIT.
OUR SECURITY IS ATROCIOUS.
402
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,475
SERIOUSLY, IT'S REALLY BAD.
403
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:18,842
[ COMPUTER DINGS ]
404
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:21,011
PASSWORD.
HMM. PASSWORD.
405
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:23,647
HOW ABOUT "GUEST"?
406
00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:25,916
NO WAY!
IT CAN'T BE!
407
00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:29,820
JESUS CHRIST, THAT IS JUST
BABYTOWN FROLICS.
408
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,855
OKAY, OPERATIONS ACCOUNT.
409
00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:34,058
JUST HOW DEEP IN THE RED AM I?
410
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,559
OUT OF MY MIND?!
411
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:37,094
OH, NO!
HOW?!
412
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,931
HOW DID I SPEND THAT MUCH
MONEY?!
413
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:41,832
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S SEXY,
WOODHOUSE.
414
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:43,034
THAT'S WHY I BOUGHT 10.
415
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:44,735
NOW ARRANGE THOSE BY COLOR.
416
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,070
THESE ARE ALL BLACK.
417
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,638
Archer: OH, ARE THEY?
418
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:52,176
OR ARE FIVE IN A DARK BLACK AND
FIVE IN A SLIGHTLY DARKER BLACK?
419
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:55,780
AND NOW I'M SHORT A...SLIGHTLY
DARKER BLACK ONE.
420
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:59,984
SO LET'S JUST PUT ALL MY
EXPENSES INTO...SOME PATHETIC
421
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:03,920
IDIOT'S ACCOUNT BY THE NAME
OF...
422
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:05,622
OH! CRENSHAW!
Crenshaw: OH.
423
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:08,425
Archer: OH, GOD!
Crenshaw: THAT'S NOT VERY
NICE.
424
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:11,129
Archer: HEY, I WAS JUST
TALKING ABOUT YOU...AND ABOUT
425
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,030
HOW THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE.
426
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,066
Crenshaw: A LOT OF THAT GOING
AROUND.
427
00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:16,734
Archer: YEAH, IT'S AN
EPIDEMIC.
428
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:19,303
Crenshaw: FOR EXAMPLE, MY
REAL NAME IS KREMENSKY.
429
00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:20,872
Archer: IS THAT -- SOUND --
430
00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:23,074
IS THAT JEWISH?
Crenshaw: IT'S RUSSIAN.
431
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:26,544
Archer: OH.
432
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,379
RUSSIAN JEWISH?
Crenshaw: I'M THE MOLE,
IDIOT.
433
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:29,880
Archer: I MADE UP THE MOLE.
434
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:33,117
Crenshaw: YES, BUT YOU TOLD
PAM, AND NOW EVERYONE IS LOOKING
FOR A REAL MOLE.
435
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:34,351
Archer: GOD, DO WE HATE PAM.
436
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,787
Crenshaw: SO I HAVE TO
ESCAPE.
Archer: AND IRONY.
437
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:39,457
Crenshaw: BUT THANKS FOR
BREAKING INTO THE MAINFRAME
FOR ME.
438
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:40,524
Archer: DOUBLE IRONY.
439
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,693
Crenshaw: I'LL NEED $50,000
FOR TRAVEL EXPENSES.
440
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,896
Archer: $50,000?!
Crenshaw: FROM YOUR ACCOUNT.
441
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,164
Archer: THAT'S TOO MUCH.
442
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,499
Crenshaw: IT'S ALL
LAST-MINUTE BOOKINGS...FOR TWO.
443
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,768
Archer: WHA--
OH.
444
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:53,770
Crenshaw: BECAUSE WHEN I HAND
THE NOTORIOUS DUCHESS TO THE
445
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,908
KGB, I WON'T JUST GET A
PROMOTION, I'LL GET MY OWN
DACHA.
446
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,843
Lana: TOO BAD YOU'LL NEVER
SEE IT.
447
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,878
Crenshaw: WHAT THE --
448
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:04,749
Archer: LANA!
CRENSHAW'S A MOLE, AND HIS
NAME'S NOT REALLY CRENSHAW.
449
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:08,452
IT'S KREMENSKY -- DEFINITELY
RUSSIAN, POSSIBLY A JEW.
450
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:09,853
I DON'T KNOW.
THOUGHTS?
451
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,422
Lana: YEAH, SHUT UP.
AND, YOU, DROP IT.
452
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:13,957
Crenshaw: OR WHAT?
Archer: NO, NO, NO.
453
00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:15,159
DO NOT WIND HER UP.
454
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:17,461
THAT IS A BIG GUN, AND SHE IS
BABY-CRAZY.
455
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:19,196
Lana: [ GASPS ]
BABY-CRAZY?!
456
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,165
Archer: THAT'S WHY I DUMPED
HER.
457
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,334
Lana: YOU LITTLE -- YOU SACK
OF SHIT!
458
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:28,405
I DUMPED YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE
DRAGGING AROUND A 35-YEAR-OLD
UMBILICAL CORD!
459
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,775
Archer: SEE?!
ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS BABY SHIT
BECAUSE YOU'RE BABY-CRAZY!
460
00:18:31,810 --> 00:18:33,277
Lana: YOU WANT TO SEE CRAZY?!
461
00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:36,179
Archer: NO, I'VE SEEN THAT
MOVIE, AND -- SPOILER ALERT --
462
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:38,415
IT ENDS WITH A CLOSETFUL OF MY
SUITS ON FIRE!
463
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,484
Lana: I WISH YOU'D BEEN
WEARING ONE!
464
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:43,520
Archer: WHO WOULD WANT TO
WEAR AN ON-FIRE SUIT?!
465
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,123
Lana: COSPLAY ENTHUSIASTS!
Archer: WHAT?
Lana: WAIT! NO. SHIT!
466
00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:49,159
Archer: DO YOU EVEN HEAR HOW
TOTALLY BAT-SHIT INSANE YOU
SOUND?!
467
00:18:49,195 --> 00:18:50,828
Lana: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I
HEAR!
468
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,331
[ ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES ]
469
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,167
Archer: YEAH, PLEASE KEEP
TALKING.
470
00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:01,072
Malory: SO, WHY ARE YOU
SITTING HERE IN THE CAR EATING
STIR-FRY?
471
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:03,440
Cyril: IT'S STIR-FRIDAY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
472
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,742
MM, AND LANA SAID TO.
[ BELL CHIMES ]
473
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,010
Malory: CRENSHAW?
Crenshaw: MS. ARCHER?
474
00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:08,846
Malory: WHAT'S THIS FLAP
ABOUT A BREAK-IN?
475
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,815
Crenshaw: UH...
Archer: MOTHER, LOOK OUT!
CRENSHAW IS A MOLE!
476
00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:15,285
Malory: OH, PAM'S AS FULL OF
CRAP AS SHE IS OF CARBOHYDRATES.
477
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:18,756
NOW -- HEY!
Crenshaw: NOT THIS TIME, YOU
IMPOSSIBLE BITCH!
478
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,557
ALSO, YOU SHOULD ALL BE NICER TO
PAM.
479
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,159
Lana: I AM ALWAYS NICE TO
HER.
480
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:24,795
Cyril: TO HER FACE.
Lana: WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE
CAR?
481
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,831
Malory: SOMEBODY DO
SOMETHING!
482
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,300
Cyril: ARCHER!
Lana: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU
IDIOT?!
483
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,469
Archer: SHUT UP.
IT'S CLASSIC MISDIRECTION.
484
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,238
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A MEXICAN
STANDOFF, KREMENSKY.
485
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:37,441
Crenshaw: HOW IS THIS A
MEXICAN STANDOFF?
486
00:19:37,476 --> 00:19:39,944
Lana: DUMBASS.
Crenshaw: I DON'T CARE IF YOU
SHOOT HER.
487
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,144
Cyril: I DO.
488
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,681
Crenshaw: BUT WHAT IF I SHOOT
HER, MAMA'S BOY?
489
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:44,948
Malory: STERLING.
490
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,651
Crenshaw: YES, PICTURE HER
DEAD IN THE GUTTER...
491
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,285
Malory: STERLING!
492
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:52,823
Crenshaw: ...AND WHAT YOUR
PATHETIC LIFE WILL BE LIKE
WITHOUT OLD MOMMIE DEAREST.
493
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:55,092
Lana: JESUS CHRIST!
Malory: WHAT?!
Cyril: WHAT IS IT?!
494
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,961
Lana: HE'S GOT AN ERECTION!
Malory: WHAT?!
495
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,163
Crenshaw: WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
496
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,231
[ GUNFIRE ]
497
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,534
Archer: NOTHING.
YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND -- OW!
498
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:05,102
OW!
Malory: AN ERECTION?!
499
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,504
Archer: HEY!
WHAT'S IN THERE -- BUCKLES?!
500
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:10,307
Malory: THE THOUGHT OF ME
DEAD GIVES YOU AN ERECTION?!
501
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:11,842
Archer: NO, JUST HALF OF ONE.
502
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,679
THE OTHER HALF WOULD HAVE REALLY
MISSED YOU.
503
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,414
I MEAN, NOT...
UGH.
504
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:18,215
Malory: [ SIGHS ]
505
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,316
[ SIREN WAILING ]
506
00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:20,451
Archer: JOHNNY BENCH CALLED.
507
00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:21,785
Cyril: YEAH, SEE HERE --
508
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:24,255
CRENSHAW JUST STOLE $50,000 FROM
ARCHER'S ACCOUNT.
509
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:25,889
MUST HAVE BEEN DOING IT ALL
ALONG.
510
00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:28,091
Archer: UH, APOLOGY ACCEPTED,
ASS-DOUCHE.
511
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,927
Cyril: HEY!
Lana: CALL HIM THAT AGAIN.
512
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,161
Archer: MAKE ME!
Lana: WHAT?
513
00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:32,629
Archer: WHAT?
MOTHER, DO YOU SEE THIS?
514
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,165
Malory: I JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
515
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,665
Archer: THIS IS A HOSTILE
WORK ENVIRONMENT.
516
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:37,234
Malory: I WOULD HAVE KNOWN IF
WE HAD A MOLE.
517
00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:38,869
Lana: HOW?
Malory: "HOW" WHAT, DEAR?
518
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,971
Archer: HOW COULD YOU KNOW IF
WE HAD A MOLE?
519
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:42,640
Malory: UH...
520
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:49,680
[ Russian accent ] AND THEN I
AM TAKING HOT PEPPER AND SLOWLY,
I'M RUBBING IT AROUND --
521
00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:52,082
Malory: God damn it!
[ Dial tone ]
522
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:53,584
HELLO?
523
00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:54,718
DARLING?
524
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,053
WHO WAS THIS?
525
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,421
WHO ARE YOU --
526
00:20:57,456 --> 00:20:59,055
COMRADE QUESTION?
527
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,957
Malory: AND WHO ARE YOU --
COMRADE QUESTIONS?
528
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,759
Archer: COMRADE --
Malory: OH, SHUT UP.
529
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,763
YOU AND YOUR ERECTION.
AND WHY ARE THERE DOUGHNUTS
EVERYWHERE?!
530
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:06,930
Archer: LANA DID THAT.
531
00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:08,198
Malory: DO YOU WANT ANTS?!
532
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:11,469
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS!
41242
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