All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S06E04.Boyd.Will.Be.Boyd.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H

[ All groaning ]

Dad, you make
the best ribs on the planet.

Thank you, baby.
My secret is whiskey.

When I'm cooking,
I drink a lot of whiskey.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can never enjoy
feasting on the flesh

of a creature
as intelligent as a pig.

Pigs aren't that smart.

Only one in three knows how to
build a house out of bricks.

Still, I'll stick to
Mike's delicious greens.

Which I cook
in bacon grease.

Ah, hey, thanks again
for letting us have

Boyd's birthday party here
next weekend.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

Hey, I even made
goody bags.

In fact,
they came out so good,

one might even call them
"great-y" bags.

Why didn't I go away
to college?

Your mom
went to college,

and she still says
stuff like that.

Yeah, we wanted to have
the party at out place,

but the yard's not big enough
for the bouncy house.

Bouncy castle.

Boyd, we've
talked about this.

I'm not comfortable
with bouncy castle.

It glorifies
an oppressive class system,

so if you want to bounce,
you're gonna have to do it

in a sensible house.

You know, Ryan,
there's a point when even

Karl Marx would slap you.

Yeah, I still
can't believe everyone

is burying the headline
about Boyd's birthday.

Right, right.
You know, there just might

be an appearance by Vaness-o.

The clean-up-can-be-fun clown.

Uh, that's not
a headline, Mom.

That's a nightmare.

Look, it's
a Baxter family tradition

that on your 10th birthday,
you get a rifle and go hunting.

Really?
Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I'm sorry, what?

A gun? Hunting?
No. Absolutely not.

Well, Vaness-o, do you want
to clean up this little mess?

Look, I don't want Boyd
thinking that violence is fun.

Now I'm gonna go outside
and figure out where to hang

the Donald Trump piñata.

You said you were gonna say
something to him about this.

Yeah, well, I was.

But then I realized,
I don't really like

arguing with Ryan
and you do, so tag.

You're it.

It's getting
harder and harder

to put weapons
in the hands of children.

-- Captions by VITAC --

I'm not changing
my mind, Mike.

Boyd's not going hunting.

Look, I was gonna
talk to you about this.

I just wanted to
find the right time,

but...I don't like
talking to you.

Great, 'cause there's
nothing to talk about.

Actually, there is.

Getting a gun
on your 10th birthday

is a Baxter family
tradition.

Yeah, okay.
Let me see.

It all started way back

with your great-great
grandfather Jebediah Baxter,

who by the age of 10,
had hunted

everything in the forest
that could walk, crawl,

or sing a song.

Actually, his name was Bill,
and he made soap.

All of the girls got guns
on their 10th birthday,

even Mandy, once I found
a gun that matched her top.

Hey, guys. There's pie.

Everybody here
is pro-pie, right?

You're dad is trying to
convince me to arm our son.

This is why I don't
like talking to you.

Sweetie, "arming" is kind of
a strong word for

going on a fun hunting trip
with your grandpa.

Wait. What? Sorry.
You're okay with this?

Some of my best
childhood memories

are hunting with my dad.

You bond, learn patience,
respect for nature.

Okay, but why does it have to
end with a dead animal?

Because
that's the fun part.

And it's a tradition.

It always made me
feel really special.

I am so sick of these
Baxter family traditions.

Can't we just have
totally new traditions?

Maybe you should look up
the definition of tradition.

Look, you can make
the call on this one,

and I really don't like
arguing with my dad, so tag.

You're it.

Great, you are not
taking my sweet, innocent son

into the woods
to slaughter an animal.

If you tell him
he can't go hunting,

he's gonna know it was fun,
then he'll resent you

for not letting him go.

That's ridiculous.

No, no! Like he would if
he wanted to take ballet.

You say no to that,
he'll probably

wear a tutu
the rest of his life.

He's already
taking ballet lessons.

Dear God, let him hunt!

[ Laughs ] Wow!

Kyle, you've been
watching me do this

for the last 20 minutes,
and you keep saying, "Wow."

Yeah, because
it keeps working!

Hey, Mom.
Yeah?

Um, will you wrap
Boyd's gift for me.

Hey, wait till you see
what your mom can do.

Wow!

Mandy.
Yeah?

You're giving your 10-year-old
nephew a deviled egg platter?

No, I'm giving him
a flying saucer!

Whooo!

With sleeping pods
for 12 aliens.

You don't want to give Boyd
something from your shower.

Uh, yes I do.
I just don't want to wrap it.

So, uh, did you
and your dad pick out

a song to dance to
at the wedding?

No, Mom. Ixnay on
the father-daughter dance...

Nay.

Okay, what? And why?

Because that leads to talking
about the mother-son dance,

and Kyle doesn't
have a mom, Mom.

Try to be sensitive.

You are so sweet,
Mandy.

But it's okay.
I mean, I have a mom.

I just don't know
where she is.

It's fine. It's like, um --
like "Where's Waldo," you know?

Yeah, but except Waldo's
my mom, and Waldo is hammered.

Kyle, you should get some
time in the spotlight, too.

I mean, I'd be happy
to dance with you.

Oh, that --
No, that's okay.

What? Are you afraid
I might out-dance you?

Mmm, no.

He's not. No one is.

Come on.

Come on, Kyle.
You deserve this.

You can pick
any dance you want.

Come on,
you can't say no.

[ Sighs ] Well, okay,
but only if we can do

the Argentinean Tango.

Okay. Uh, I'm game.
Is it hard?

Well, if you don't
know how to do it,

I mean, maybe this isn't
such a good idea.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no. No, no.

I got this, all right.

I learned the chicken dance
in, like, three days, so...

Any chance you want to do
the chicken dance instead?

Oh, boy.

I think this is my favorite
part of the birthday party --

when all your friends
are gone.

[ Gasps ]
What is it?

It is
a deviled egg tray.

It's for eggs that are evil.

-Cool!
-Yeah.

I'm gonna open
the big one now.

Whoa! It's a gun!

Oh, my God!

Mike, what
were you thinking?

I didn't get him that.
I thought our gift was the yard.

Eve, what
were you thinking?

I wouldn't give him
that baby gun.

I'd give him
a good-old 12-gauge.

You know, something
he can grow into.

It's from me.

Ryan, you gave Boyd
the shotgun?

Yes, I did.

Wow! You spent 10 years
setting up that surprise.

What other surprise
do you have?

A "Make America Great Again" hat
filled with pork chops?

Honey, did, uh --
did you know about this?

Yes, but he asked me
to keep it a secret,

like that time he told me he
thought Sarah Palin was pretty.

Shh.
Thanks, Dad.

Your welcome, buddy.
Happy birthday.

Wow. Today, a boy
in our family became a man.

Congratulations, Ryan.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, put it down,
put it down, put it down.

No. Hey, hey.

You can't touch that
until you take

the gun safety class
at Outdoor Man.

Where we sell this gun for
a whole bunch less than this.

All right. Well,
let's start cleaning up.

Pass.

Okay, well, do it with me,
or do it with Vaness-o.

Okay, Boyd. Let's help.

You did good, honey.

Yeah, you really did.

Uh...sorry. I didn't mean
that to sound so surprised.

[ Chuckles ]

What are you up to?

Nothing.
I realized you were right.

See, if I don't
let Boyd hunt,

it's always gonna be the thing
he wants to do most in his life.

This way, I let him go,
I even get him the gun,

and for once,
I'm not the bad guy.

But you're so good at it.

There may be a flaw
in your little plan.

You don't want the kid
to go hunting.

Oh, he won't.

See, he likes the idea
of hunting, but once there's

an actual living animal
in front of him,

he's not gonna be able
to pull the trigger.

100 years of Baxter tradition
says you're wrong.

He's not gonna hunt, Mike.

Well, I say he will.

And we'll figure out
who's the winner

when we're cooking up
that pheasant he and I bag.

Oh, no.
I am going with you

'cause I cannot wait
to see that look on your face

when he ends
the Baxter tradition

of blowing holes
in living creatures.

All right, all right.
Even better.

That way, we won't be just
bagging a bird,

we'll be shooting down
your hopes and dreams,

and that's what I will
be having for dinner.

Here we go.

Thank you so much
for the dance lesson, Ed.

Am I your first student?

[ Chuckling ] Oh, no.

I once taught a Russian bear
how to dance...

against it's will.

Well, I will try to "bear"
with you without "Russian" it.

I still have
Mishka's muzzle,

so don't make me use it,
all right?

I brought my music.

Your music means
nothing to me, all right?

We start
with fundamentals.

Oh, but I just
need to learn --

[ Whistles ] Mnh-mnh.

Feet move, lips do not.

We begin.

Square up.
That's it.

Slide your foot,
just step.

No.

All right, turn your
hips just slightly.

No.

Am I getting it?

[ Chuckles ] No.

Look, let's try, perhaps,
a little movement.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
A little movement.

Simple box step.

Oh, I can do simple.
Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Box step, all right.

Ready, and one and ow!

One and...
[ Groans ]

And three and aah!

Okay.

For the love
of God, woman!

Am I that bad?

Not only can I not help you,
I may never dance again.

If I can't
do the simple stuff,

how am I ever gonna learn
the Argentinean Tango?

[ Gasps ]
The Argentinean Tango?!

That's the most complicated
dance in the world.

[ Sighs ]

People have gone mad
trying to learn it.

Why would Kyle give me a dance
he knows I can't learn?

Just a guess, maybe he really
didn't want to dance with you.

He could've just said
"No" when I offered.

He just didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

You know, he's like that.

But I'm not.

You are the worst dancer
I have ever seen.

No, I --
Be gone, woman!

Please. Please.

This is called
flushing out the bird.

Stay alert. They could
fly up at any minute.

But it's not safe to shoot until
I only see blue sky behind it.

You were paying attention
during all of those courses.

That's great because
you'll probably be hunting

for the rest of your life.

Or gathering 'cause
that's also a lifetime of fun.

Hunters also gather.
It's called a barbecue.

Hey, Boyd.
Do you know the male pheasant

has a big role
in raising the babies.

That means it's like
the bird version

of me, you, and Mom.

The bird version
of you is you.

Do you see something,
Grandpa?

Now, pheasant have
very keen hearing.

They heard us walking,

but they get real nervous
when we stop.

This is when
they like to flush.

You see, they get nervous

because they have
an array of emotions.

[ Fluttering ]

He's coming up.
He's coming up.

It's a living creature.

Track the bird, track the bird.
Track the bird.

Connect with its spirit.

[ Sighs ]

I can't.

I'm sorry, Grandpa.

That's okay.
That's just fine.

Don't worry about it.
Yes!

I knew it.

And thanks to you, that bird
gets to live to see another day.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gunshot ]

[ Thud ]

I did mention we're not the only
hunters out here, right?

[ Sighs ] I told Boyd to journal
about our big trip today.

It's gonna make
an amazing entry.

Oh, yeah, that part
about nothing happened.

That's gonna jump
right off the page.

Oh, something happened.

You lost, and it's
driving you crazy.

You know, I wish I could
get you someplace

where it's just you
and blue sky behind you.

A barbaric-Baxter tradition
died today,

and Boyd killed it...
with peace.

I'm really proud of him
even if you're disappointed.

I'm not
disappointed in him!

The kid made a choice,
and I'm good with that.

Well, now it's not as fun.

I just want Boyd to be
who he wants to be,

not who I want him to be.

But I get the idea
had he taken that shot,

you might have
freaked out.

Please, I think when it comes
to being understanding,

I can pull myself up
to Mike Baxter level.

You know, I'm glad
you're not right very often

'cause it's
really hard to take.

Yeah, a Baxter didn't want
to hunt. What's next?

A woman president?

Hey, Boyd, it's time to leave.
Your dad's got to go.

[ Rock music plays ]

Kyle.

Kyle!

[ Music stops ]

Hey, Mrs. B.
This is so cool.

Even on Mr. B.'s day off,
I still get a B.

Uh...I wanted
to talk to you, Kyle.

Um...if you didn't want
to dance with me because

you thought
I might embarrass you,

you could've just told me.

[ Scoffs ] What?

No, I love how you dance.

I mean, everyone
stops and stares.

It's like
they can't look away.

[ Chuckling ] Yeah. I just do
what the music tells me.

So, uh -- So --
So, why did you pick a dance

you knew
neither of us could do?

Well, because I didn't
want to have to

do that dance at all.

Why not?

Look, I know
I talk about her a lot,

but... [ Sighs ]

...my mom really wasn't
as great as I make her sound.

So, the stories you tell
about her are the good ones?

She wasn't always
there for me.

And a mother-son dance
without my mother

would just be
another reminder of that.

On my wedding, I --
I just want to be

thinking about
how lucky I am.

I wish
I was you mother, Kyle.

Uh, I don't think so.

Living on government
handouts isn't as glamorous

as Mr. B. makes it sound.

I mean, I wish
I could have raised you

because I wouldn't have missed
one precious second

of being with
a wonderful boy like you.

There's gonna be a little
salt in the coffee.

Thank you, Mrs. B.

I'm really lucky.

You know,
I am really lucky.

And that's what I can think
about during our dance.

You mean
you want to do it?

Yeah, heck yeah.

But only if we can
do your dance.

Do you think
you could teach me?

The music
will teach you, Kyle.

Just let's -- let's see
what it has to say.

[ Rock music resumes ]

We begin.

♪♪

Looks like two dogs trying
to get back in a boat.

Hey.

Hey! There are my hunters.
Any luck?

Oh, yeah.
We got absolutely nothing.

Boyd decided he didn't want
to shoot that bird.

High-five again, buddy.

My hand hurts.

That's because they're the hands
of an artist, and not a killer.

Either way, you still need
to wash them before we eat.

Oh, and here's
the best part.

We can trade in
that gun now

for something
that you really want.

No, it's okay.

No, we can get you that bike
that you've been talking about.

No, I want to keep the gun.

Hey, Mike.

What? Did you run out of kale
over at your house?

No.

Actually, it turns out
that Boyd did want

to shoot that bird,
but he didn't want to upset me.

You don't say.

Yeah, so, not only
am I not freaking out

like you said
I was going to,

I'd like you to
take him hunting again.

Okay.

You drove all the way
over here to ask me a question

you already knew
the answer to.

Yeah, 'cause I wanted
to see the look on your face

when you saw that
I was cool with it.

So, you, uh...want to
say anything to me?

Not unless you have
a nine-letter word

that means ballet step.

It's pirouette,
and come on, Mike.

Aren't you gonna give me
a little bit of credit

for not being disappointed
in my son?

No.

Why not?

Because you are.

[ Scoffs ]

Yes, I am.

I mean, it is killing me.

Why weren't you disappointed
when he didn't want to hunt?

Damn, it is pirouette!

And who says I wasn't?

You did.

Hey, I lied.

You think I want to
get my ass up

at the crack of dawn
just to watch Boyd

wander through
the forest like that?

I am not supposed to be
disappointed in my son.

What kind of dad
does that make me?

It makes you just like
the rest of us.

The fact that we
love out kids even though

they disappoint us is proof
that we're good parents.

And also the reason why
we die 12 years sooner

than people
that don't have kids.

Wait. Is that true?

I hope so.

So, you're telling me you've
been disappointed in your kids?

[ Sighs ]
I'm the Outdoor Man.

One of my daughters
is a musician,

the other one makes clothes
in the basement,

and the other one
is married to you.

Oof, those first two
really let you down.

I just thought I had
a sensitive son.

You do have a sensitive son.

He was out
in the forest protecting

the most delicate creature
out there -- you.

That's a sensitive boy.

Yeah, I guess he was,
wasn't he?

[ Scoffs ] I hate
that he wants to do this,

but I guess I can't
force my opinions on him.

That's what makes you
a good dad.

Whoa, did you just
call me a good dad?

[ Sighs ] I lied.

Ah!

Dad, chop-chop.

We got to rehearse
that wedding dance.

I added a booty bump
during the rap medley

so [Clicks tongue] -- let's go.

Booty bump, huh?

I'm a really good dad.

Hey, there. Mike Baxter
here for Outdoor Man.

I know what you're thinking.

"Mike, you taught us hunting,
and fishing, and climbing.

When are you gonna teach us
quantum electro-dynamics?"

Maybe I already have.

Let me explain.

When a beam of light
hits the water,

no matter what angle of entry,

light always takes the path
that requires the shortest time.

Richard Feynman taught us that.

How does light know
the shortcut?

It's like it's already done it.

Like it's already happened.

♪ Ooh-eee-ooh ♪

Light is pretty creepy.

And very predictable.

Our kids, not so much.

No matter how hard we try
to bend them to our will,

we have no idea
where those little rays of light

are gonna go.

But that's okay.

Take the case of Jack Reagan --

A heavy drinker
and even worse, a Democrat.

One night, his son Ronnie
has to lift his father

out of the snow
and lug him into the house.

Ugh!

Even back then,
Democrats expected

someone else to carry them.

The good news for our country,

Ronald Reagan
was nothing like Jack.

Yeah, sometimes
the worst thing that can happen

is when a son turns out
to be like his dad.

Just look at that fat kid
who runs North Korea.

[ Chuckles ]