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1
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:04,937
(blender whirrs)
2
00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:07,206
Morning, everybody.
Oh.
3
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,508
Green is not the color
for breakfast.
4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:12,678
Unless you're Dr. Seuss.
-(chuckles)
5
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,113
Well,
will I drink it in a box?
6
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,381
Will I drink it with a fox?
7
00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:17,249
How about you drink it
alone in the garage?
8
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,853
Behind a shelf,
all by yourself.
9
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:22,454
Dad, there's bacon and eggs
over here.
10
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,623
Bacon and eggs --
I am in.
11
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,893
-So, let's talk about our
Halloween party. -I'm out.
12
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,829
Mike, for the last three years
you have said,
13
00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:33,165
"Let's not have a party.
We'll do it next year."
14
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,967
Well, it sounds like
we have a good thing going.
15
00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:36,535
Let's do that.
16
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,972
No, come on -- I-I'll even use
the fancy 2% raise
17
00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:42,408
the teachers' union just won
to pay for the party.
18
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:46,178
Listen, I will give you
a 4% raise not to do it.
19
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:49,081
Why? Dad, our Halloween parties
are always so much fun.
20
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,150
-Really?
-Yeah.
21
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,886
Let's all recall
the party your mom had us
22
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,487
dress up
as the Seven Dwarves.
23
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,523
Well, listen,
I had to be Grumpy.
24
00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,725
It was the stupidest Halloween
ever.
25
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,494
But I got to be Snow White,
because I look like this.
26
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,263
And a bird
did land on my hand.
27
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,565
You know,
maybe this is the year
28
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,902
you finally go for my serial-killer theme.
That can be scary.
29
00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,271
Ah, you've been pitching
that idea since you were three.
30
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:15,240
That is scary.
We're adults.
31
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,109
I don't think we should do these
dress-up parties anymore.
32
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:18,710
No, no --
You're not getting out of it.
33
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,546
Look, just think of it as a --
as a family dinner
34
00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,281
where we're all
dressed up as...
35
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:23,515
superheroes!
36
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,517
-No.
-Superhero...no.
37
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,386
Since you don't like
any of our ideas,
38
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,221
why don't you
come up with one?
39
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,390
Yeah, you're supposed to be
the marketing genius.
40
00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:33,058
You pitch something.
41
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:34,793
All right, picture this --
42
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,228
(intense voice)
A dark house --
43
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:39,098
A single light
glows in the kitchen.
44
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,800
A handsome man walks into the
kitchen, puts the light out.
45
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:44,603
You hear a creaking of steps
as he goes upstairs,
46
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,805
goes into his room,
lays down.
47
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,307
When he wakes up...
48
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,476
it's November!
49
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:53,612
Oh, I get it.
I get it. I get it.
50
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,247
He's all alone in the
house, because the family
51
00:01:56,273 --> 00:01:58,550
found a new daddy who
keeps his promises.
52
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:01,453
We're having this party, Mike,
and you are planning it.
53
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,322
(normal voice) Why do I
have to do everything.
54
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:07,626
And what is
this new daddy gonna do?
55
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,102
All right, Mikey,
come on...
56
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:18,904
(knocks on door)
-...heading for lunch.
57
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:21,106
(sighs) Now that Ed's let
the cat out of the bag,
58
00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:22,808
I guess you're invited.
59
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,910
Listen, I'm racking my brain
trying to
60
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:28,180
come up with a theme for
my family's Halloween party.
61
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,015
-I got a fun one.
-I don't want a fun one.
62
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,483
I want a bad one so bad
63
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,919
they'll never do this
Halloween party again.
64
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:36,155
You're an awful man.
65
00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:38,824
And yet people keep
inviting me to parties.
66
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,994
I don't.
I don't even want you at lunch.
67
00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:43,929
I'm with you
on killing Halloween.
68
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,531
You know what ruined it for me
last year?
69
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:48,534
-Hey, guys!
-(clears throat) This jackass.
70
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:52,004
Tell them about the costume
you wore on Halloween.
71
00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:54,306
-Oh, when I was you?
-Mm-hmm.
72
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:57,409
(impersonating Ed) "I've never
been so insulted in my life."
73
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,846
(normal voice)
That was hilarious.
74
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,949
(impersonating Ed) "Now get the
hell back to work, Kyle."
75
00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:06,285
(normal voice) Okay!
76
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,188
Little costume really got
under your skin, didn't it?
77
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:11,190
Nobody likes
to be impersonated.
78
00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:13,625
It's why Rich Little
is despised.
79
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:15,327
I don't know, Ed.
80
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,529
They say imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.
81
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,898
Oh, why don't you show Mike
your impersonation of him then?
82
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,868
I don't know what
you're talking about.
83
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,037
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
84
00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,838
This gives me an idea
for a great theme.
85
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:30,142
My family wants a theme, I've
got the theme -- my family.
86
00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:33,312
They'll dress like each other,
act like each other,
87
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,581
and if I play my cards right,
88
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:38,250
they're gonna end up
hating each other.
89
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,752
When I said
you were an awful man,
90
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:45,357
did I say "The most awful"?
Because I meant the most awful.
91
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,059
Just relax.
They'll stop hating each other
92
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:48,594
once they take the costumes off,
93
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,729
but they'll never stop
hating Halloween.
94
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:53,065
Okay, okay.
Well, who is gonna be who?
95
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,900
-Natural enemies.
-Hmm.
96
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,102
Eve will Mandy,
Mandy will be Eve.
97
00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,004
Ryan and Kristin
will be each other.
98
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,840
My, God. It's gonna be
a blood bath.
99
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,875
Ryan and Kristin
aren't natural enemies.
100
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,177
They're married.
101
00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:07,012
Fighting the urge
to tell our spouse
102
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,513
what we really feel about them
103
00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:12,351
is what couples mistakenly call
"love."
104
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:15,020
Baxter, that is...
105
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,888
Okay, that's true.
106
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:20,926
So, you're gonna be Vanessa
and Vanessa will be you?
107
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,795
No. I can't be Vanessa.
She's too nice.
108
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:27,032
Plus I --
I can't walk in heels.
109
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:29,835
The trick is to keep the weight
on your toes.
110
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,039
Come on.
111
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:38,277
What I need for Vanessa is
somebody so nice it's annoying.
112
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:41,213
I need...
-I brought you guys cupcakes.
113
00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:44,583
...this jackass.
114
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:47,986
I'm not crazy about
the new nickname, guys.
115
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:55,694
(as Kristin)
Hey, Mom!
116
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:02,367
Ryan and I are here!
117
00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:09,508
(as Ryan) Hide the meat,
you barbarians.
118
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,476
VANESSA: Be right there!
119
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,078
(normal voice) Every time I look
at you, I start laughing.
120
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,780
This is a great idea
your dad --
121
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,481
(normal voice) I know, I know!
You look so great, too!
122
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:20,185
I mean, you went a little
overboard with the breasts.
123
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,653
It's like
no matter what I do,
124
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,856
one always just seems
like it's smaller.
125
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:30,295
(as Kristin) Oh, hey,
it's my little sister Eve!
126
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,931
(as Eve)
Sure, lame, whatever.
127
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:36,134
Grumble, grumble.
Complain.
128
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,469
(normal voice)
Oh, my God!
129
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:39,104
I say this
as a fashion designer --
130
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,173
Ryan,
you are rocking that tunic.
131
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:45,477
-The boobs are a little much.
-The boobs are a lot much.
132
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,946
(as Eve) Mandy, come on!
You're always late!
133
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:51,216
The party's starting --
grumble, grumble, complain.
134
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:54,753
(as Mandy)
Here I am, everyone.
135
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,560
You're welcome.
136
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,995
You look so glamorous.
137
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:07,232
I'm sorry, are there times
I don't look glamorous?
138
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,701
(normal voice)
Why is one bigger?
139
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,985
(as Kyle) Hey, everybody.
140
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:28,320
Sorry I'm late.
141
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:31,590
I stopped to talk
to a butterfly.
142
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,092
Where's Dad?
143
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,861
(normal voice)
Uh, I don't know.
144
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,763
He's been working on his costume
in the garage all afternoon,
145
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:39,064
I --
-Who's he gonna be?
146
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,399
There's no one left
in the family.
147
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:43,468
We're here to make Halloween
great again.
148
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,916
I'll do it quickly.
149
00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,118
It'll be amazing.
150
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,861
Uh,
I don't get it, Dad.
151
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,696
We're all dressed like family,
and you're dressed like Trump?
152
00:07:11,698 --> 00:07:13,031
Mm.
153
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,634
Trump is like family to me,
believe me.
154
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,370
He's got my aunt's hair
155
00:07:18,372 --> 00:07:21,573
and my grandmother's
hatred of foreigners.
156
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:26,645
(as Kyle) I love whatever you
say and agree with it, Mr. B.
157
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:29,815
Thank you, Kyle.
158
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:32,751
You must hate this costume,
huh?
159
00:07:32,753 --> 00:07:34,920
Uh, are you kidding me?
I love that costume.
160
00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:38,423
The guy single-handedly
destroyed his own party.
161
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:42,260
Why would anyone
destroy their own party?
162
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:43,962
You know,
I am so glad we did this.
163
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:46,298
This is already so much fun.
-(chuckles)
164
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,800
We're just getting started.
165
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,969
(as Trump) Look at that --
Mandy Baxter, Mandy Baxter.
166
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,571
How beautiful you are.
167
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:54,172
You know, beauty is
the only thing that counts.
168
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:55,974
(giggles) (as Mandy)
Thank you, Mr. Trump.
169
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,309
I was in a bit of a hurry,
170
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,677
so it only took me eight hours
to get ready.
171
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,111
(laughs)
172
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,980
(as Eve)
Well, I'm always ready.
173
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,182
I put on this outfit
in the seventh grade,
174
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,118
and I've never
changed out of it.
175
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,687
(laughs)
176
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:12,624
That's funny and mean --
my favorite kind of funny.
177
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:15,594
I laugh when I put on makeup,
because clowns are funny.
178
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,365
I never laugh.
It interferes with my moping.
179
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,867
But let me try.
180
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,768
Ha.
181
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,171
Ha.
182
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,939
No. Never mind. It burns.
183
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,175
(laughs)
184
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,811
Come on, Mr. B
and all the little Bs.
185
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,513
(laughs)
Let's play a game
186
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:38,850
where we're all super nice
and the winner is everybody.
187
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,353
(as Kristin)
Yeah, I'm with Kyle.
188
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,455
Let's all just have fun!
189
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:46,124
(normal voice)
I'm surprised you're here, Ryan.
190
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,559
I know
you don't like Halloween.
191
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:48,960
(as Ryan) Oh, you know,
Halloween used to be
192
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,695
a beautiful pagan holiday,
193
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:54,566
till it was taken over
by Big Sugar.
194
00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:59,871
(normal voice) Big Sugar
is not a joke, Kristin.
195
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,375
(as Kristin) But I guess
I would know that if I read
196
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:06,645
any of the books my husband
brought home for me to read.
197
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:10,015
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're right.
198
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:13,385
My wife should, like, you know,
work less and read more.
199
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:16,021
Oh, but wait.
Then we'd starve.
200
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,389
(normal voice)
All right, okay.
201
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,157
Everybody, everybody --
hang on, hang on.
202
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,259
This is Mom for a second.
Um, listen -- Let's --
203
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,328
Let's not take any of this
personally, okay?
204
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,830
(as Vanessa)
Where's my Chardonnay?
205
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:38,743
Oh...my...God.
206
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:44,449
How long do I have to whine
before I can get some wine?
207
00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:47,953
(normal voice)
Mrs. B makes a lot of puns,
208
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,554
and they're really hard
to come up with,
209
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:52,591
so I have some cards...
210
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:55,293
to help me be a card.
211
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:57,862
Wow.
212
00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:00,632
You never looked better,
Vanessa.
213
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:05,704
He looks like the woman at the
hardware store who makes keys.
214
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,773
Thanks, Mr. B.
215
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,076
Mandy told me to wear
something called SPANX.
216
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,812
I don't wear SPANX...
217
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,647
that often.
218
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,115
(normal voice)
Come on, Mom.
219
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,950
Remember, we're not taking
any of this personally.
220
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,118
MIKE:
(as Trump) That's right.
221
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,620
Mandy Baxter, Mandy Baxter,
222
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,388
I understand you're
a job creator like me.
223
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,290
It must take
quite a bit of brains
224
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,825
to have your own design company.
225
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,727
(as Mandy) Mm. Nope.
226
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:34,633
But I understand you're the CEO
of -- of a vast empire.
227
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,636
Well, I make tube tops
in my parents' basement,
228
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:40,572
so it's more of
a vest empire.
229
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:42,807
(normal voice) Uh, yeah.
I make more than tube tops.
230
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,109
(normal voice)
It was just a joke.
231
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,978
(normal voice)
Hey, Evie, Evie, Evie...
232
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,848
(as Trump) So, you like
the military. So do I.
233
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:53,251
(as Eve) Yeah, my whole life
I waited to get into West Point,
234
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,353
practically turned myself
into a guy,
235
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,856
but, uh, they still
didn't want me,
236
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,991
so now I write songs
for no money,
237
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,694
which is exactly how much
they're worth.
238
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,329
(normal voice)
Basement clown.
239
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,031
(normal voice)
Guitar monkey.
240
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,532
(normal voice) Oh, hey, look,
there's your next protest --
241
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:10,835
Save the Guitar Monkeys.
242
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,871
(normal voice) Why?
So you can kill them
243
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:15,974
and serve them
in your restaurant?
244
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:19,344
Everybody, come on!
Stop, stop. This is a party!
245
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,112
(as Vanessa)
I'm enjoying this part-E.
246
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:24,449
I can't wait for part-F.
247
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:31,356
Shove it, Kyle.
248
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:36,227
Ah, Halloween. It's a great,
great holiday, believe me.
249
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:50,375
(as Vanessa) Hey, kids,
why don't we play --
250
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,744
No!
251
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,846
Ooh,
I can make my famous --
252
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:57,015
No!
253
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,717
(normal voice) Wow.
254
00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:01,853
Mrs. B,
people do not like you.
255
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:03,555
MIKE:
(exhales sharply)
256
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,223
That was fun.
That was great.
257
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,725
I got a bunch of little
trick-or-treaters
258
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:10,662
to start chanting
"Lock her up, lock her up."
259
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:13,331
Ah...
260
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,300
Got kind of choked up.
261
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,370
So, what'd I miss?
262
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:22,774
My wife made fun of
my interest in Buddhism.
263
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:26,945
Religious bigotry --
always funny.
264
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,913
Please ignore
that bearded woman.
265
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,183
She's just cranky from lugging
around those enormous boobs.
266
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,353
Huge.
267
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,421
(doorbell rings)
268
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:37,555
ALL: I'll get it.
269
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,224
I'll get it! (sighs)
270
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:40,625
It'd be nice to see some kids
271
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:43,428
who are just pretending
to be monsters.
272
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,598
Geez,
this party is so lame.
273
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,301
And that's the real me.
I'm not even doing Eve.
274
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,771
Can we please wrap this up?
275
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,873
I'm having a good time.
276
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:58,443
It's not like
I can control the party.
277
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,278
(as Vanessa)
I'm enjoying this part-E.
278
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,481
I can't wait for part--
-Kyle, you already did that one!
279
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:06,117
Please! This has to end!
280
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,952
All right.
281
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:11,823
I'll go...
see if I can make a deal.
282
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,291
(chuckles)
283
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,060
(as Trump) You know,
there's an art to it.
284
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,434
Hey. What's wrong
with everybody?
285
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:24,936
Oh, Mike,
this is awful.
286
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,671
All we have done
is insult each other.
287
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,406
Yeah.
288
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:30,441
I hate to say this, but maybe
we should just call it a night.
289
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:32,777
(scoffs) You know -- You know
why I wanted this party?
290
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,279
-Yeah.
-You know why?
291
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,648
Because everybody in this family
was there for me
292
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,316
when I was worried about
the teachers' strike.
293
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,684
-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, and I just --
294
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,085
I just wanted to celebrate.
295
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:42,520
But after tonight,
296
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,322
I-I never want to have
a Halloween party again.
297
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,757
You know
I hate to say this.
298
00:13:45,759 --> 00:13:49,327
But in some small way,
I blame myself.
299
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,763
Honey,
it's not your fault.
300
00:13:51,765 --> 00:13:53,398
You didn't do it.
301
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:59,003
I did it!! Yeah!
302
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,839
(doorbell rings)
303
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:06,544
Ahh!
304
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:24,963
What is that?
305
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,298
It's what I'm wearing
to the VFW party.
306
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,466
What is that?
307
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,069
Donald Trump.
308
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:32,971
You can't be Donald Trump.
309
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,139
Why,
because I'm black?
310
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:37,141
No,
because you're not orange.
311
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:40,979
Mine is ironic.
312
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:43,848
Yours is a tribute.
313
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:47,886
-Mine is a stroke of genius.
-Huh.
314
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,320
I think I might have just
315
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,589
killed the Baxter
Halloween party for good.
316
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:54,359
Okay, listen, listen, listen --
I-I got some bad news.
317
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,427
I just off the phone
with Carol.
318
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,396
The school board
finally figured out
319
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,431
how they're gonna pay
for the teachers' raises.
320
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:01,699
Oh, no.
Don't tell me layoffs.
321
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,201
Yeah, yeah.
322
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,670
And since Vanessa was one of
the last hired...
323
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,071
-Crap!
-Yeah.
324
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:08,907
Carol's been trying to
call Vanessa.
325
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:12,076
I-I don't know how you're gonna
tell her she's fired.
326
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,885
I can't tell her
that she's fired
327
00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:23,121
on a night that the family is
going at each other's throats.
328
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,790
So,
you wrecked your own party
329
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:29,093
and still see yourself as the victim?
Well...
330
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,429
You're right, you do make
a better Trump than me.
331
00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,373
MIKE:
Where's everybody going?
332
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,608
KRISTIN:
Mom said the party's over,
333
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,143
so I guess it's time
for Ryan and me
334
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,912
to ride home
in stony silence.
335
00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,747
Yeah, and I've got to
get out of this makeup.
336
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:50,949
I do not want to wake up
337
00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:52,650
with the Shroud of Turin
on my pillow.
338
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:55,820
Nobody is going anywhere.
339
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:58,323
(as Eve) Oh, you mean
like my music career.
340
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,625
Hold on a minute.
341
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,226
We got to reboot this party.
342
00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:04,162
I just found out
your mom lost her job.
343
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,831
But being a teacher
means everything to Mom.
344
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,132
This is gonna crush her.
345
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,968
Well, not tonight it's not,
you know?
346
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:12,103
We're gonna give her the holiday
party that she's always wanted,
347
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,772
and I'll tell her
she's fired tomorrow.
348
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,908
Wh-- I was fired?!
349
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,443
Or I could tell her now.
350
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,311
Oh.
351
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,146
Chuck just came over. Carol's
been trying to call you, honey.
352
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:25,149
I'm sorry.
-Oh... (groans)
353
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,454
Well, this blows.
354
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,289
Yeah, I feel really bad.
355
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,024
(normal voice) We all should.
We acted pretty awful tonight.
356
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,826
Yeah, Dad had this awesome idea
for a party
357
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:38,363
and all we did was
rip into each other.
358
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,365
Yeah,
about this awesome idea --
359
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,100
You know, the truth is...
360
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:43,534
I, uh...
361
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:48,473
I forgive all of you,
you know?
362
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:51,876
And maybe we all learned
something tonight, huh?
363
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,179
What are you gonna say to her,
Dad?
364
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,749
I don't know.
I'm just gonna be there for her.
365
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:03,121
(as Vanessa) And that's why
I married that man.
366
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:09,894
(door opens, closes)
367
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,297
Hey. How you doing?
368
00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:16,067
(scoffs)
I feel like such a dope.
369
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:19,971
Ah, that's just
the costume talking.
370
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:24,575
Listen, you have every reason
to feel sad, okay?
371
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:25,910
No, I am not sad.
372
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,712
I am really, really mad.
373
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,180
Well, that's good.
You should be mad.
374
00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:30,882
The school board -- That was
all wrong what they did.
375
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,750
No, no, no --
I am not mad at them...
376
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,686
although they suck!
377
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:38,389
I'm mad at myself.
378
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,224
-You didn't do anything here.
-I did. I did.
379
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:42,060
-No, you didn't.
-No, I was this close
380
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,328
to being the vice president
of an energy company,
381
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:45,830
and I gave it all up
382
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:48,666
because I had this stupid idea
to chase a dream.
383
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:51,669
Hmm.
384
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,372
Well, let's not talk about
the high-paying job you gave up
385
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:56,774
and all the stuff we could have
bought with that capital.
386
00:17:56,776 --> 00:18:00,078
I think it's always a good idea
to chase your dreams.
387
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,512
No,
of course you do, honey,
388
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,381
because your dreams
always come true.
389
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,450
You plan to make something
happen and it happens.
390
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,018
Well, don't compare yourself
to me.
391
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:08,953
You're already feeling
too bad about yourself.
392
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,288
(scoffs)
393
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,090
I just want
this night to be over.
394
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,758
-No, no.
-This whole family party was,
395
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,594
as Trump would say,
"A disaster."
396
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,797
Guys, no, no.
397
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,599
I'm not listening to
any more fighting tonight.
398
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,267
Well, maybe they came out here
for another reason --
399
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,602
right, right, right?
400
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,571
Yeah, Mom.
We just came to help.
401
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,706
Well, great.
Think you can go back in time
402
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,541
and talk me out of
becoming a teacher?
403
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,978
She's feeling upset
about chasing her dream.
404
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:38,616
Mandy, do you think it was
a bad idea to chase your dream?
405
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:42,487
Um...Eve was the one who asked
if she could help, but okay.
406
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,989
Actually, I'm not talking
to Mandy-Eve.
407
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,491
I'm talking to Eve-Mandy.
408
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:49,293
(as Mandy) Oh,
you mean the fashion thing?
409
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,828
No,
it wasn't a mistake.
410
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:53,898
But a lot of people said
"You can't do that."
411
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,434
Well, because I was so pretty,
people thought I wasn't smart.
412
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:58,636
But I said "Screw them,"
because now my business
413
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,238
is almost too big
for that basement
414
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,340
because I am really smart.
415
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:05,076
Even my little sister
thinks so.
416
00:19:05,078 --> 00:19:07,778
But she was making fun of you
all night long.
417
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:11,949
(as Eve) Yeah, 'cause I don't
want people to think that I care.
418
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:16,087
They'll think it's lame --
grumble, grumble, complain.
419
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:18,956
Can I say something?
420
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,359
No.
421
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:23,794
Your mom's dealing with a --
a major disappointment.
422
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,363
-(sighs)
-You can relate to that.
423
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:28,332
Heck yeah. My whole life,
I wanted to go to West Point.
424
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,700
It was my dream.
425
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,003
And when I didn't get in,
it really hurt.
426
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,105
But I didn't cry about it.
427
00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:37,141
(clicks tongue)
I'm not a baby. I'm a badass.
428
00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:40,511
But my big sister
cried about it,
429
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,747
even though
she never told me.
430
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:48,452
Well, I hate to cry, because
it ruins $40 worth of makeup.
431
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:52,723
But now, I have this
whole new music thing,
432
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,458
which I think
makes me pretty cool.
433
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:55,660
(Mike chuckles)
434
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:57,862
(normal voice)
And it sort of does.
435
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,363
-Um, my turn.
-No!
436
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,399
Dad.
437
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,334
All right.
438
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:07,004
Well, I'm sure
my wife will mock me for this,
439
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:09,840
but I'd like to share
something the Dalai Lama said
440
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:11,742
that I think speaks to
your situation.
441
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:13,711
He said "Sometimes
not getting what you want
442
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,546
can be a wonderful
stroke of luck."
443
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:16,814
-Hmm.
-What?
444
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:19,083
I read some of the books
you give me.
445
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,986
I love you, you jerk.
446
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:26,057
Look at that.
There's my family.
447
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,759
Where have you guys been
all night?
448
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,096
You know what?
449
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,865
This turned out to be
the perfect party.
450
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,468
(scoffs)
Well, of course. I planned it.
451
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:42,740
And we are gonna have one
every year!
452
00:20:48,181 --> 00:20:51,349
You know, in a small way,
I blame myself.
453
00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:02,627
(as Vanessa)
Okay, listen up!
454
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:06,030
I am a good teacher,
and I am not gonna go quietly.
455
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,798
I say we grab a carton of eggs,
456
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:08,933
head down to that school board,
457
00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:11,535
and "eggs-press ourselves."
458
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:16,207
MANDY: Ah, sweetie,
don't be ridiculous.
459
00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:18,142
Yeah, Kyle.
Everything's fine now.
460
00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,580
I could
throw an egg or two.
461
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,215
Don't do it.
Let me do it.
462
00:21:24,217 --> 00:21:28,019
I can get away with anything,
believe me.
463
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:32,023
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