All language subtitles for Frasier s02e09 Murder Most Finch.eng

(Vivaldi's Four Seasons playing)

- Hey, Cyrano!
- Holly!

- It's good to see you.
- Nice to see you, too.

Macallan, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

So, I got to tell you,

I laugh every time I think

about your big Valentine's Day
fiasco here.

- Fiasco is a bit, uh...
- Yeah.

...accurate.

It's nothing compared to
what happened to me last night.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I tell you what.

If you make me laugh

as hard as you did
on Valentine's Day,

Macallan's on the house.

Tonight only
or is that a standing offer?

Anytime you have a story
that makes me laugh.

Oh, and if it's at your expense,
I'll make it a double.

- Well, then get ready to pour.
- Oh.

Now, everyone knows
that the Art History department

is the most attractive
at Harvard.

Hotter than Applied Mathematics?

All right.

(Vivaldi's Four Seasons playing)

(laughs)

So there was no sex on Cape Cod,

but we did play mini golf
on a pirate ship.

What could be better than that?

Well, sex.

But maybe I'm playing
mini golf all wrong.

(both laugh)

(Vivaldi's Four Seasons playing)

So I had no other choice
but to pretend

to be my own twin.

- You are making this up.
- Trust me,

if I were making them up,
I'd come off a lot better.

- As would my twin.
- (laughs)

Okay. So listen,

does this mean
that when we go out,

something stupid's
gonna happen to us?

When we go out?

Yeah.

- Aren't you still seeing...
- No.

Mac and I broke up,
like, a month ago.

I have been dropping
a ton of hints.

I couldn't tell if you were
a gentleman or just

lousy at subtext.

It's both.

Would you like to go
to the ballet on Sunday?

The Bolshoi is in town.

Oh, shoot, this Sunday?

Um, let me see.

Oh, darn.

Yeah, I hate ballet.

But if you want to see Russians
flying through the air...

(cheering)

Don't worry,
that's supposed to happen.

But why am I telling you?

This is clearly not
your first hockey game.

(chuckles)
I'll admit,

it's not my usual scene.

The last time I saw
a puck this frantic,

it was my brother Niles
in his junior high production

of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

(crowd booing)

Hey, ref!

Check your phone,
you're missing calls.

Go on.
Yell at the ref. It's fun.

I'm not really much
of a heckler.

Pretend the sommelier is leaning

the bottle of wine
on your glass.

"Thou art unfit
for any place but hell," ref!

- (buzzer sounds)
- (whooping)

They got it.

Yeah. And also,
the Bruins scored.

- The Bruins. Thank you.
- Yeah.

I didn't want to have
to ask a third time.

You got Frasier
to a hockey game?

- Mm-hmm.
- Did you lead him there

with a trail of playbills?

- No.
- (laughs)

I told him it was
Shakespeare on Ice.

- ROZ: Hi.
- ALAN: Olivia.

- Hi.
- Olivia, come say hello to Holly.

- Oh. Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hey. Nice to meet you.

I'm just stopping by
to make sure

you're all going to be there
tomorrow night?

- Yes.
- Oh, indeed.

You know, it'd be nice

if Holly could join us.
Would that be okay?

Oh, um...

- Join you for what?
- Olivia's giving

an olive oil tasting party

for some of our Harvard
colleagues.

Oh! So both

the menu and the guest list
are extra-virgin?

(laughs)

- Sorry, we just met.
- Yeah.

ROZ:
I like her.

If you guys break up, I'm
team... what's your name again?

- It's, uh, yeah, Holly. Yeah.
- Holly.

So, so why don't you join us?

Would that be all right, Olivia?

Of course, of course.

I-I-I can,
I can make that happen.

I just need to go and make
some... adjustments.

Adjustments?
To your olive oil tasting?

Yes, to my olive oil tasting.

She was nice and then weird.

- Kind of how it goes with her.
- Oh.

Hey, I-I hear
you guys were rink-side.

Where'd you get such good seats?

- Oh, I used to date Mac McReidy.
- What?

You dated Mad Dog McReidy?

- You know who he is?
- Yeah.

He's a Bruins legend.
He owns a ranch,

he rides a motorcycle,

he didn't invent the fist bump,

but he definitely
popularized it.

I know, I went
from Mac McReidy to this guy.

- Right? I mean, life is a trip.
- Yeah.

- Would you excuse me?
- Oh, yes, of course.

It's-it's just up...

- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

So...

She says trip. You think
she means good trip?

Like sailing the Adriatic,

or more like Hunter S. Thompson
on a bender?

ROZ:
I don't know.

Mac McReidy is pretty cool.

Oh, come on, I'm cool.

But just more like Cary Grant
or Charles Boyer

or Dave Brubeck.

ALAN: And, of course,
all of those people

- have been dead for decades.
- FRASIER: Well.

Maybe I have been leaning
into my cerebral side

too much with Holly.

I got to figure out
some way to show her

I'm more her type:

rugged, laid-back,
down-to-earth...

The three things I think of
when I think Harvard

olive oil tasting.

Oh.

God. It's the worst
second date ever, isn't it?

Well, isn't this all
a bit dramatic?

I mean, how much cooler
than Frasier

- can this Mac character be?
- FRASIER: Thank you.

I mean, I don't bel--

So this is what
a man-crush feels like.

Oh.

Wow, quite a crowd.
(chuckles)

A couple of bees
and a handful of nuts

and we could take out
the whole room.

Oh, boy,
look who Olivia invited.

Bowen. Sharma. Grimsby.

Why did she invite the three
nerdiest professors at Harvard?

Because she's the fourth.

Well, I can't even talk to them.

She'll think that's who I am.

Well, there's the cool kids
over there. You know,

I got to figure out some way to
get Holly over there with them.

Perfect. Now, here's the plan.
I'll get drinks...

Here, Holly,
come meet some friends.

Frasier, bonsoir.

(chuckles)
Not that friend.

What ho, Frasier!

Or that one.

Harold Grimsby.

BA Princeton '01,
PhD Columbia '08.

Oh.

Holly Quagliano.
OD'd Woodstock '99.

- That was a joke,
I only blacked out. - All right.

Let's say, let's say hello.
Roz, you've met, of course.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- This is my son, Freddy.
- Hey.

And Eve, our neighbor
from across the hall.

- Nice to meet you.
- Uh, Dad, we're gonna have to

head out pretty soon.

Eve's worried about missing
her dumb reality show.

(scoffs) And a dumb
football game is better?

You'd probably hate both.

Oh, no, not really.

I-I enjoy a good scrap
on the gridiron.

Really? So you, uh,

do you think the Panthers got
a shot at the playoffs?

(laughs)
Nice try, Freddy.

There is no team
called the Panthers.

Yeah, I think they got
a nice shot.

Excuse me.

So, what's the name
of that reality show?

- Alan, this was a mistake.
- Hmm?

When I'm with the cool kids,
I look like the nerd.

Maybe I should hang out
with the nerds

so I look like a cool kid.

Smart. Yes.

Then you can be the James Dean
of this olive oil tasting.

Oh, olive oil tasting?

I thought this was
a beer tasting.

Uh, Olivia told us
this was a caviar tasting.

Where is Olivia, anyway?

Oh, God.

There's only one reason

she would've lied
to get us all here...

The party she's always
threatened to throw,

the bullet I've been
dodging for years...

Get out!

Get out while we still can!

(dramatic voice):
Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome

to my surprise
murder mystery party!

So much for showing Holly
that you're cool.

Now quickly,

shatter my femur
so I can get out of here.

Welcome to Regency-era
England, 1835.

Leave your inhibitions
at the door.

(normal voice):
I'm kidding,

it was a stiflingly judgmental
period.

(laughs)

(dramatic voice):
I am Lady Macaw,

and you are about to experience
a murder most foul.

I'm sorry for this.

No. Are you kidding?
This is great.

It's only our second date
and I'm already in one

of your stupid Macallan stories.

I got to get proof.

My scullery boy Rutabaga

will be collecting
your magic talking devices.

At your service, mum.

That was really good.
Really good.

For historical accuracy,
of course.

ALAN:
Well, if we're being historically accurate,

I'm over 60, so can I be dead?

These are your character cards.

After the murder,

secondary cards shall provide
a "twist"

- for everyone.
- (all gasp)

My show's finale starts soon.

How long is this gonna take?
Like, half an hour?

To go over the rules?

It took twice as long as that
at tech rehearsal.

This replica
of Lady Macaw's manor

shall provide some clues
as to who is the murderer.

Oh.

And also clues as to why
you're still single.

Who said that?

As will this ice sculpture of...

the Bront� sisters.

Oh!

Uh, that's a brontosaurus.

Actually, that's an apatosaurus.

This is a nightmare.

(normal voice): David,
why did you sign for this?

Does this look like
the Bront� sisters to you?

Maybe.
They were famously reclusive.

I got to get you out of here.

(dramatic voice):
Let us begin

to spin our web of intrigue.

And perhaps,
it shall catch a murderer.

If we stand back-to-back,
I think

I can stab a knife
through both of us.

Aim for the throat.

- This must be a happy surprise
for you, Dev... - Oh.

...king of the game nights.

Ah. Is this a game night?

Yeah.

I don't see
a themed hors d'oeuvres.

Perhaps we're all the victims.

How do, dear creature?

I don't want to be here.

(normal voice):
But this is right up your alley.

Well, normally, yes, but...

I'm trying
to show Holly how cool I am,

and a second date cannot be

a murder mystery party.

You insisted on bringing her,

and I spent all night
crafting her character! Okay?

That's why I didn't notice they
got the Bront� sisters wrong!

Actually, the Bront� sisters
were Victorian era,

not Regency era,
so they were already wrong.

- You better get out of here.
- Shut up, Grimsby!

- You are not going anywhere.
- (sighs)

Your character is integral
to the mystery.

- You are staying.
- Yeah, but...

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.

Keep pushing, and there will
be a murder with no mystery.

Dollhouse must be a clue.

Do you think
that the mystery has something

to do with Ibsen's
A Doll's House?

- That's a clever theory, Eve.
- (Eve laughs softly)

You should get that down
on paper.

Shall I bring you some crayons?

I could snap you in half,
old man.

Would you?
I'd love to get out of here.

I'm afraid we're gonna need
to stay a while longer.

It's not really my usual scene.

Oh. Sure it's not, slick.

Listen,
you powered through hockey,

I can power through, you know,
whatever this is.

I mean,
how much worse could it get?

"And finally,
number 30, Isadora.

And those are all the lambs
in my flock."

How are we still awake?
She is literally counting sheep.

How come Alan doesn't have
to wear a costume?

Freddy, will you just read
your card, please?!

(clears throat)

"I'm Ambrose, the stable boy,
and, uh..."

Oh. I'm illiterate,

so I don't have
to read the rest of this card.

Seriously, Alan?
You're looking for clues?

No, I'm trying to start a fire.

Can we just get on
with the murder?!

(dramatic voice):
Not until everyone

has introduced themselves

in their full accoutrements.

(grumbles)
All right.

"I am Professor Hoarsely
of Oxford."

Oh.

"Famous
for my world-renowned research

on diseases."

Other side.

"Most of which I contracted."

"Due to poor sanitary practice,

"skin ravaged by boils,

"more hump than man,

too hideous to live,
too cowardly to die..."

Oh, please.

Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh, David, damn it!

My accoutrement.

(glass clinking)

A storm is gathering
on the moors.

I hope it doesn't
blow out the torches.

I hope it doesn't blow out...

(normal voice):
the torches, David!

I can't take this anymore!
I have to end this party!

(crashing)

- (dog barks)
- FREDDY: Yes! Take that!

(woman screams)

(Eve gasps)

Oh, I'm not the dead one.
Damn it.

(normal voice):
My dollhouse.

My cards.

It's all ruined.

Someone murdered
my murder mystery party!

I don't want to point fingers,

but he did it.

(Freddy gasps)

I worked on this for weeks!

No one is leaving until
we figure out who did this.

Just before the lights went out,

Frasier said he
"couldn't take it anymore"

and "had to end this party."

He was also brandishing a cane.

And a bad attitude.

Is this true, Frasier?

Did you ruin my party so you
could get Holly out of here?

Whoa, did you?

Would you do that?

That is really uncool, Dad.

(mouthing)

Of course I didn't do that.

It could have been anybody.

I even heard a dog.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

You're all accusing Frasier
just because he had

the motive, the means,
and the opportunity.

Just because he was brandishing
a weapon high above his head

shouting he would do anything
to end this party.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

(David wailing)

(body thuds)

Damn it.

David just died.

The killer has struck again.

Oh, no. How'd he get you?

- As you may have guessed,
- OLIVIA: David?

- I am the bastard heir
to the viscount's fortune... - David? David?

David, the game is over!

Oh, okay.

So, uh...

is everyone heading out now,

or in four hours
when the key to the box

of phones melts
out of the ice sculpture?

(all groaning)

Bring in the Bront� sisters.

Bring in the brontosaurus!

Bring in the apatosaurus.

Shut up!

- She's got a knife!
- (all gasp)

N-No, I can have that key out
in five minutes.

And then I think I'm gonna go.

(sighs) Well, thank God
this evening's nearly over.

It's been a living hell.

Thank you so much for having me.

We must do it again.

Frasier, what is going on?

Are you okay?

I have five minutes
to clear my name.

If I can't prove I'm innocent

by the time that key is out,

I'm afraid that'll be the end
of me and Holly.

Well, how are you gonna prove
you didn't do it?

Hold on.

Hold on.

I got nothing.

Okay, key's out.

We're all free to go.

Wait, wait!

There's no way
Dr. Crane could've done this.

And I can prove it!

Oh, this should be good.

What do you think happened, Eve?

Just as the lights went out,
David poured

flour all over
Dr. Crane's shoes.

He tracked it everywhere.

But look.

The footprints never make it

to the dollhouse, thus

inferring
he couldn't have done it.

(all murmuring in agreement)

You mean "implying,"
not "inferring."

I told you to shut up.

I solved it.

Who needs crayons now,
Professor?

You know, Eve,

it doesn't cost you anything
to be kind.

Okay, great.

Frasier didn't do it.

Sorry I accused you.

Then who did do it?

Who cares?

Go home.

Well, I'm glad
you're not the killer.

I'm still confused.

Not so confused
that I want to know more.

I'm sorry about all this,
it's...

Think I could redeem myself?

Maybe we could take this
to a second location?

That would be nice.

I mean, we're not our best
selves in the Regency era.

I just have to say good night.

I'm sorry about your night.

I'm sorry, too.

I really thought
you would enjoy this.

That's why I based your
character on who you really are.

Boils and hump and such?

The part you didn't read.

(Frasier mutters)

"Diseases, coward."

"But if the other guests
can look beneath the surface,

"it's my brilliance
and generosity

that just might save the day."

"Also, I have leprosy."

I mean, I-I know that

this isn't everyone's thing,
I just thought that people

might get into it.

You know, gasping and laughing,

and secrets exposed

and the killer revealed
in a grand finale.

I just thought
that everyone would have fun.

Come with me.

All right, everybody grab
your phone on the way out.

I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Holly, I can't leave just yet.

In fact...

no one is leaving!

I am Professor Hoarsely.

And I am plagued by one desire.

To find a killer!

Oh, come on, people.

You could've at least given me
a little bit of a gasp.

Everyone in this room

had a motive to kill this party.

Or did they?

(gasps)

I got you.

Thank you.

Maybe it was Holly, hmm?

She was anxious to leave,
wasn't she?

Perhaps her natural beauty

masks a brutish nature.

Okay, now I'm torn,
you accuse me of murder,

but you called me pretty, so...

But let's take

a closer look.

Or...

listen.

Holly, would you please

walk to the dollhouse and back?

(bells jingling)

- The bells!
- Precisely!

We would have heard her if Holly
had committed the crime.

That is the jingle
of an innocent woman.

(bells jingle)

Now...

Freddy and Eve

are likely suspects.

They were dying to leave.

But would they kill?

BOWEN:
If Eve had done it,

she wouldn't have
cleared your name.

But in the dark we heard Freddy
shout, "Yes, take that!"

And he was hiding something
when the lights came on.

All right, guys,

I palmed my phone
instead of giving it to David.

Oh!

Then when it was dark,
I checked the score,

the Pats were winning,
I got a little excited.

Wait a minute,
that game hasn't even started.

- What are you hiding?
- (gasps)

The barking dog!

Ooh, ooh, I know the answer!

What was the name
of that reality show you love?

No, no, Roz has got it right.

I ruined the party.

What a jerk.

Sorry, everyone.

All right, let's head out.
(clears throat)

It's called
Doggie Dance Battle...

All-Stars!

Fine!

I got addicted to that

stupid show watching with Eve
every week and I couldn't

wait to see
what happened tonight.

And then when that...

frisky little Pomeranian beat

that conceited, holier-than-thou
Hungarian Vizsla

in the salsa competition,

you bet your ass I cheered.

And I'd do it again!

His story checks out.
Pom-Pom won.

- (gasps) Spoilers!
- Spoilers!

So...

it wasn't Holly.

It wasn't Eve.

It wasn't Freddy.

That leaves Roz
and the professors.

I mean, does anyone really think
that Roz did it?

(all muttering)

- Great. We'll just skip Roz.
- Oh!

Well, it's got to be Alan.

He has been complaining
all night.

Right.

Right.

But I do have one hypothesis
left yet to explore.

You see,

before the lights went out,

Alan's waistcoat

was not buttoned.

After the lights came up,

it was buttoned.

- I felt underdressed.
- Hmm.

Or was he hiding...

- ...this?
- (all gasping)

The envelope that held
the secondary cards!

The ones that were ripped up!

That proves he did it!

I can't believe
this is my Saturday night.

Except...

Alan did his thesis

on the doyenne
of British crime fiction,

Dorothy L. Sayers.

Which leads us
to just one conclusion.

Frasier, you promised.

You swore to me.

I'm sorry, old friend.

Freddy,

will you please read what's
on the back of this envelope?

"Freddy hiding something."

"Frasier has cane.

David is viscount's bastard?"

Wait, these are notes.

He was trying to solve
the murder mystery.

Look, he wrote "Ibsen"
in all caps!

(gasps)

You told me that was stupid!

That's because you were getting
too close!

- The truth is--
- Frasier, no!

Alan loves
a murder mystery party!

(all gasping)

Damn you, Frasier.

I didn't want Olivia to know
we had something in common.

Why not?

I love Dorothy L. Sayers.

Oh, we could start a book club!

That's why!

I had to solve it myself!

So, no,

I could never kill
the murder mystery party.

Because I loved
the murder mystery party.

Thank you, Alan.

That leaves us with just one
of the professors.

Grimsby!

Okay, I admit it.

I'm not wearing a wedding ring

because I'm having an affair.

Grimsby seems unlikely.

- Sharma...
- (stammers)

...loves a game.

- Oh...
- He would never ruin one.

Or...

would he?

Frasier, you've got
to stop making statements

and then questioning
the statement straightaway.

You're right. I do.

Or...

do I?

Sharma hosts
a competitive game night.

But at the last one,

he and Olivia
almost came to blows.

I underestimated you, Frasier.

- I never expected you
to outwit me. - Mm.

(chuckling):
Wait, wait,

is this about
the Pictionary incident?

(grunts)

(scoffs)
Come on, Dev.

I'm sorry. Your drawing,
it didn't look like a camel.

It looked like a...

Go ahead, Olivia.

Tell everyone what you said
my drawing looked like.

(whispers):
A brontosaurus.

That's right!

That ice sculpture
was no accident.

You ruined my game night!

So I ruined...

This isn't dramatic enough.

Oh.

Sorry.

He had a Diet Coke earlier.

You ruined my game night!

So I ruined yours.

I may be the villain
in your story,

but I am what you made me.

(dramatic voice):
Oh,

but don't you see, Dev?

In your attempt
to ruin my party,

you actually saved it.

(gasps)

This was everything
I wanted tonight to be.

Thank you.

(normal voice):
And thank you, Frasier.

My pleasure.

(sniffs)

I will have my revenge!

I still need my phone!

- Great detective work.
- (chuckling): Thank you.

Sorry I had to keep you here
longer than you wanted,

- but we can go now.
- Oh,

it's just starting to get fun.

You were enjoying yourself.

Yes. Because you were.

You know,
Mac was always so concerned

about what other people thought.

- It's a lot more fun
when you don't care. - Ah.

(chuckles softly)
Well, it must be exhausting

having to be so cool
all the time.

Yeah.

I'm glad I don't have
to worry about that with you.

I'm just gonna take the win
this time.

("Tossed Salads
and Scrambled Eggs" playing)

FRASIER:
Y'all know how this goes.

? Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ?

? Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ?

? And maybe I seem
a bit confused ?

Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.

(chuckles)

? But I don't know what to do ?

? With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ?

? Life's callin' again. ?

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