Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:03,637
Everybody Hates Chris #046
"Caruso"
Closed Captioned
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:04,805
CHRIS ROCK:
After two years at Corleone,
3
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:07,108
I felt like things had
finally started to turn around.
4
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:09,743
My grades were okay, I liked
most of my teachers
5
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,579
and I had made friends...
6
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,447
Make that, a friend.
7
00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,483
But he was a good one.
8
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,319
There was only one problem
that wasn't going away.
9
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,592
Morning, Cocoa Puffs.
10
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,097
Caruso had made my life
a living hell.
11
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,764
He had beaten my ass
every day
12
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:32,200
and nothing kept him away.
13
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,535
Not a 104 degree fever...
14
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:37,771
(sneezes)
15
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,773
...and not even
a national holiday.
16
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,542
Happy Fourth of July, Sammy.
17
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:44,712
What time is it?
18
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,080
3:15. Why?
19
00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:47,448
Have you seen Caruso?
20
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,350
He's usually punching you
in the face right now.
21
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:00,461
As far as I was concerned,
22
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,563
this was better
than Enter the Dragon.
23
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,205
You want some more?
24
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:14,108
Smart move.
25
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,247
(thunder rumbling)
26
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,814
What are you staring at?
27
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:23,884
Did you just see that?
28
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,886
Saw it, but
I don't believe it.
29
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,888
Other than being glad
that I wasn't next,
30
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,624
at that moment I couldn't
have been happier.
31
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:34,128
* I got joy
down in my soul... *
32
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:37,365
See ya. Wouldn't want
to be ya.
33
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:41,369
Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION
34
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,400
ROCK:
After seeing Caruso getting
a beat down,
35
00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:13,801
I had one question.
36
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,837
Who is that kid anyway?
37
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:17,905
His name's Bernard Yao.
38
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,840
Apparently he's been going
here since last year.
39
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,309
I never heard of him.
40
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,710
How do you think Caruso's
41
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,178
going to deal with
getting beaten up?
42
00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:25,279
Same way he deals
with everything--
43
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:26,847
he's gonna take it out on me.
44
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,217
Since the day I got
to Corleone,
45
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,251
if Caruso had a problem,
46
00:02:30,284 --> 00:02:32,386
as far as he was concerned,
it was my fault.
47
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,522
When he got an "F"
on his paper...
48
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:35,723
"F"?!
49
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:39,927
You're probably right.
50
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,262
You wearing a cup?
51
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,564
What? No. Are you?
52
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,667
Every day.
53
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:47,735
You want to borrow it?
54
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:50,671
No, I'm okay, thank you.
55
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,940
Greg's cup was actually
a thimble.
56
00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:55,676
It's your funeral.
57
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,411
Oh, no.
What?
58
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,247
Holy Nicole Simpson.
59
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,252
Can you hand me a carton
of milk, please?
60
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:08,422
This is worse than I thought.
61
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:10,258
Uh, Caruso, you okay?
62
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,525
Yeah, I'm fine.
63
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,760
And can you call me Joey?
64
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:13,761
Joey?
Joey?
65
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,195
Joey.
66
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,533
Caruso looked about as happy
67
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,935
as Bobby Brown in
a health food store.
68
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,237
Did you see that?
69
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,338
I don't blame him.
70
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,739
If somebody roundhouse kicked
me across a street,
71
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:26,874
I'd avoid him, too.
72
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:30,010
Greg avoided trees 'cause
he once got a splinter.
73
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,779
Yao didn't just
beat him down--
74
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,414
he beat the bully
out of him.
75
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:34,948
(gasps)
76
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:44,425
While I was free from Caruso,
my dad was free from work.
77
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:45,759
You don't need to work
this morning?
78
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,495
Your daddy's on
vacation this week.
79
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,663
Man, I wish I could
take a week off.
80
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,998
I need a vacation.
81
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,800
What for? You're a kid.
82
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:53,967
Your whole life's a vacation.
83
00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,838
This is a waste
of time.
84
00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:58,972
I should be working.
85
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,409
You got five paid vacation days.
86
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:02,776
Paid, Julius.
87
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,279
Yeah, but they're paying me
for a 40-hour week.
88
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,515
I average close to 70.
89
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,583
If you think about it,
I'm actually losing money.
90
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:10,884
Then don't think about it.
91
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:11,852
Baby, get some rest.
92
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,954
Pay attention to your health
for a change.
93
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,990
There's nothing wrong
with my health.
94
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,460
You got the gout, high blood
pressure, arthritis,
95
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:23,297
a bad back, the sniffles,
an ingrown toenail, seborrhea,
96
00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,599
psoriasis,
a strained ligament,
97
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,336
dyspepsia and gastric reflux.
98
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,338
My mother was making
a lot of sense.
99
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,406
Unfortunately, all
my father heard was...
100
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,808
You got the light bill,
the gas bill, the phone bill,
101
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:35,843
the heat bill, the water bill,
102
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:40,448
car note, taxes,
insurance, food,
rent, clothes,
103
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,950
heating, cooling,
washing, drying...
104
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,919
My mother thought it was work
that gave my father stress.
105
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,355
But she was wrong--
106
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,356
it was debt.
107
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,424
Which is why he did this.
108
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,925
Hey, Frank, it's Julius.
109
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,361
Listen, I got a few days off
110
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,095
and I'm looking to pick up
a little work.
111
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:58,699
So FYI, my sources tell me
that Yao likes using
112
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,000
the upstairs bathroom
by the art room.
113
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,669
What sources?
114
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:03,070
What are you--
Spenser for Hire?
115
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,405
I guess that makes me Hawk.
116
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,305
It's not important.
117
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,341
All that matter is
that you avoid using it.
118
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,909
Why? Just because Yao
beat up Caruso
119
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,811
doesn't mean he's going
to beat us up, too.
120
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,813
Did you see the way
he was looking at us
121
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:14,114
when he came out
of that alley?
122
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,583
I'm not taking
any chances.
123
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,685
You're overreacting.
124
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:18,886
(screams)
125
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,355
Okay, look, we don't
want any trouble.
126
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,790
What's this?
127
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,057
My lunch money.
128
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,026
I always pay on time,
and I don't even mind
129
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,061
tossing in a few extra
bucks around the holidays.
130
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,029
What is wrong
with you guys?
131
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,063
I don't want your money.
132
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,466
But after what you
did to Caruso,
133
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,368
we figured you
were taking over.
134
00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,235
I'm not taking
over anything.
135
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,070
I just got tired of him
picking on me.
136
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:38,672
That's why
I took karate.
137
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:41,542
It was either that, or give up
my lunch money.
138
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,011
If I had to pay
for karate lessons,
139
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,879
I wouldn't have
had lunch money.
140
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,418
Now that's what
I call relaxing.
141
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:51,952
It's getting late.
142
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,754
You'd better be going.
143
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,390
What do you mean?
It's only 8:15.
144
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:57,925
You never know.
There could be traffic.
145
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,860
I wouldn't want you
to be late for work.
146
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,029
I think I have time
for a cup of coffee.
147
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,464
Oh, could you get me
another cup?
148
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,733
Look, I'm just saying,
you know,
149
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,701
you're still on your
three-month probation.
150
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,637
I wouldn't want you
to have a mark on
your record.
151
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:12,473
Oh, please, that office
is so disorganized.
152
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:15,008
I'm gonna sit right here
and have my cup of coffee.
153
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:18,546
And besides, they don't keep
records of anything anyway.
(loud gulping)
154
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:22,082
Ironically, she worked
at the Department of Records.
155
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,485
Baby, we're out of coffee,
156
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:27,521
but maybe you can pick up
another cup on the way to work.
157
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:31,625
Okay, all right, I get it,
I get it.
158
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:34,795
You want me to leave so you can
have your day of relaxation.
159
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:35,929
I get it.
160
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,598
Have a good day.
Have a good day.
161
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:38,799
All right,
get some rest.
162
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,001
Okay.
163
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,740
Clark Kent's got
nothing on him.
164
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,180
I'm out.
165
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:56,450
The next few days at school
166
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,851
were the best I'd ever had
at Corleone.
167
00:06:57,885 --> 00:06:59,553
For the first time Caruso
168
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,889
didn't knock the books out
of my hand when he passed me.
169
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,123
Hi, Chris.
170
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:07,728
He didn't shove me in a locker.
171
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,530
Hi, Chris.
172
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,866
And the only name he called me
was mine.
173
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,935
Hey, Chris.
174
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,671
For the first time
I could remember,
175
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,907
I didn't have
a problem at school.
176
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,441
Hey! Ah!
177
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:26,980
Give me your lunch money.
178
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,949
I didn't have a problem...
179
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,084
now I had a lot of problems.
180
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,223
ROCK:
Caruso losing the fight
with Bernard Yao
181
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:37,991
was good and bad.
182
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,494
On the upside, Caruso was
no longer on my back.
183
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:43,497
On the downside, I was getting
beat like eggs at IHOP.
184
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:44,765
Hey, give me
your lunch money.
185
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,133
Hey, don't give him
your lunch money.
186
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,568
Give me your lunch money.
187
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:48,869
He's going to
give it to me.
188
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,905
No, he's going
to give it to me.
No, he's not.
189
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,841
Give it to me!
It's mine!
190
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,543
This is how kids used to fight
191
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,044
before there were guns
in school.
192
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,013
Freedom! Freedom!
193
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,782
Freedom!
(fists smacking)
194
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:02,950
(crowd groaning)
195
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,957
All clear.
196
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:13,026
It's like there's not enough
of you to go around, man.
197
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,862
I haven't seen
anger and violence
198
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,129
like this since
my custody hearing.
199
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,565
Me neither.
200
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,567
Well, at least
outside my neighborhood.
201
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,034
What's going on?
202
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:21,969
When Yao beat up Caruso,
203
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,871
it threw the whole school
out of whack.
204
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,005
What do you mean?
205
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,640
The school is like
The Godfather.
206
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,976
There's a hierarchy,
and on top is
Don Corleone.
207
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,979
But in our case--
Don Caruso.
208
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,983
Caruso was the toughest
kid in school.
209
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,151
No one dared
challenge his authority.
210
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:40,087
Almost everybody
hated Caruso,
211
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,022
but a lot of kids envied him.
212
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,891
They wanted to be him,
213
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,560
but were too scared to do
anything about it.
214
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:47,895
When Caruso was out of the way,
215
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,030
the school was up for grabs.
216
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,736
It was going to be a bloodbath,
217
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,705
and I knew that unless
I did something
218
00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:59,773
it was going to be my blood.
219
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,277
Dude, how do you
know all this?
220
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,079
When you spend a lot of time
in dark lockers
221
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,114
you think about things.
222
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,649
I started writing
223
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:10,784
my first HBO Special
in a locker.
224
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,986
(laughing)
225
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,355
So what do we do now?
226
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,825
We got to put Caruso
back in power.
227
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,630
ROCHELLE:
Mm-hmm.
228
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,798
$47 for alimony?!
229
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,836
DREW:
I bet you don't.
230
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:29,903
TONYA:
Bet you I will.
231
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:32,072
I bet you don't.
Keep dreaming.
232
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:34,875
A wood chipper? Where did
she get a wood chipper from?
233
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,878
Mm-hmm... mm-hmm...
234
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:44,184
Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm...
235
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:46,854
Mm-hmm...
236
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:50,023
He left her for
a midget?!
237
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,158
Uh-huh.
238
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:52,960
Ma, I'm home.
Uh-huh.
239
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,762
Right.
240
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,163
Hey, Mom, where's Dad?
241
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,631
He's probably sleeping.
242
00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:59,299
Leave him alone,
'cause he needs his rest.
243
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,002
And, boy, close
my door. You don't
live in a barn.
244
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,837
Uh-huh.
245
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:06,173
I didn't even open
that door.
246
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,714
Back at school,
I feared for my life.
247
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,749
So I couldn't even enjoy
the epidemic
248
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,284
of white-on-white violence.
249
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,026
Look at that.
250
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,194
Caruso's a broken man.
251
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,331
Don't worry,
I know how to fix him.
252
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,333
Caruso lost a fight
to the new champ.
253
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,135
But I figured
he couldn't resist a fight
254
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,204
with the old chump.
255
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,974
What is wrong with you?
256
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,743
Let go of me.
What's wrong with you?
257
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:43,811
You're what's wrong with me,
258
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,179
walking around here like a sad
Richie Cunningham.
259
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,081
You should be kicking
some serious butt.
260
00:10:48,115 --> 00:10:49,750
What are you talking about?
261
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,819
Yao kicked the crap out of you.
262
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:53,220
You're just gonna take it?
263
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,055
What do you expect?
264
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,289
Well, maybe you can't beat him,
265
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,858
but you can beat me.
266
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,126
I mean, come on, punch me,
267
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,261
kick me, push me on the ground,
something.
268
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,963
Have you lost your mind?
269
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,898
Yes.
Have you lost your mind?
270
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:08,869
Call me Stymie, Rochester,
Tootsie Roll, Inkwell.
271
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:09,870
Come on, man!
272
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,038
What are you doing?
273
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,473
Prompting an angry call
from Bill Cosby.
274
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,776
Look, I-I got to go.
275
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:18,211
Desperate times call for
desperate measures.
276
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,048
You want to act like a punk,
277
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,783
I'm gonna treat you
like a punk.
278
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,052
Give me your
lunch money, Opie.
279
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,220
First time I was scared
he wouldn't hit me.
280
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:28,822
All right, here.
281
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,123
Just leave me alone.
282
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,067
Well, that didn't work.
283
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,035
So now what?
284
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,171
Well, we got
his lunch money.
285
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,073
Let's go get a pizza
and think about it.
286
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:50,110
We got a pizza, but eight
different bullies took a slice.
287
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,249
Since I couldn't get Caruso
to put a stop to things,
288
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,218
I had to go to the guy
who started it.
289
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,887
Hey, Yao, can I talk to you
for a second?
290
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,288
Give me your lunch money first.
291
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,792
I'm joking.
292
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,493
Yeah, good one, jackass.
293
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,394
What do you want?
294
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,395
I have a problem
295
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:09,362
and I need your help.
296
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,363
I got my own problems.
297
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,232
I guarantee you
they cannot be worse than mine.
298
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,167
I'm failing math.
I got work to do.
299
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:15,235
I don't have time for this.
300
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:17,070
Wait, you're not good at math?
301
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,807
What, just because I'm Asian,
I have to be good in math?
302
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,208
You're black, can you moonwalk?
303
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,977
I didn't mean it like that.
And, no, I can't moonwalk.
304
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:26,246
So, I can't use chopsticks.
I don't like watermelon.
305
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,280
I can't make a swan
out of paper.
306
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,415
I don't have sickle cell anemia.
307
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:29,950
I don't own a dry cleaners.
308
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,318
I bet you like rice.
309
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,220
You know what, man,
just forget this.
310
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,288
It's simple, I need you
to fight Caruso again.
311
00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:37,057
Why would I do that?
312
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,792
At least when Caruso
was in control,
313
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,828
we only had one person
to worry about.
314
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,830
And now, everybody's
kicking the crap out of
315
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,431
anybody they can get
their hands on.
316
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,299
And nine times out of ten...
317
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,467
it's me.
318
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,069
I don't want to fight.
319
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,470
If you don't
want to do it for me,
320
00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:52,239
then do it for the school.
321
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:55,475
We may not want a bully,
but we need a bully.
322
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,978
Look, I already fought him once
and beat him.
323
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,847
What makes you think
he would fight me again?
324
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,149
Let me take care of that.
325
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,484
And what's in it for me?
326
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,460
Caruso...
327
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,128
I know you're in here.
328
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,030
It's me, Chris.
329
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,467
What?
330
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,335
I need to talk to you.
331
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,872
I knew I had to convince Caruso
to face Yao.
332
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,339
Now it was the biggest
fight of my life
333
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,041
and I wasn't even in it.
334
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,409
I don't have
any more money.
335
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,879
Man, would you just
come out here?
336
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:36,049
Man, what is wrong with you?
337
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:39,052
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I actually feel bad for you.
338
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:40,854
You used to run this school.
339
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:42,089
And now look at you.
340
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:45,158
You're sad, pathetic and
scared out of your mind.
341
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,227
Shoot, if you were black,
you'd be me.
342
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,195
What do you want from me?
343
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,330
You need to stand up to Yao.
344
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,132
Are you crazy?
345
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,634
He hit me in the eye
with a Siberian flying tiger.
346
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,203
I couldn't see straight
for three days.
347
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,238
So?
348
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,273
When I first came
to this school,
349
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,309
you smacked me around.
350
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,111
But I stood up to you.
351
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,512
Fight! Fight! Fight!
352
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:07,514
And you smacked me around
some more.
353
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:11,084
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
354
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:13,186
So what's your point?
355
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:17,524
You see, every superhero
needs a villain.
356
00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:20,227
I mean, where would Superman be
357
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:21,594
if it wasn't for
Lex Luthor?
358
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:24,531
He'd be at the Hall of Justice
watching super TV.
359
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,467
(sighs)
360
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,269
And the Fantastic Four,
361
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,671
where would they be
if it wasn't for Dr. Doom?
362
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,907
At the circus.
363
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,444
(toilet flushing)
The reason you need
364
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,948
to stand for yourself
is because I need you.
365
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,015
The school needs you.
366
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,384
And unless you want
367
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:47,921
to spend the rest of the school
year slinking around
368
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:50,423
and being scared to let me
kick the crap out of you,
369
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,493
you need to stand up
for yourself.
370
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,969
You really think I can beat him?
371
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:05,672
I don't think so,
I know so.
372
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,340
After a few days
373
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:09,342
of successfully working
his secret job,
374
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,278
my dad ran into two problems--
375
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,080
Drew and Tanya.
376
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,214
I still don't see how
377
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,983
you threw your back out
doing nothing.
378
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,151
Oh, I must've slept funny.
379
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,387
Well, you sleep
harder than you work.
380
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,425
Hey, Dad, you probably
hurt you back carrying
381
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,327
all those packages.
What?
382
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,629
Yeah, this afternoon,
me and Drew saw you on
383
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,264
Fulton Avenue
384
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,432
when we were walking
home from school.
385
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:33,733
Okay, baby, here's some aspirin.
386
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,368
It'll relax your muscles a bit.
387
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,436
Who did y'all see
on Fulton Avenue?
388
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,471
Nobody.
They're just talking.
389
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:39,639
Oh.
390
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:42,375
Whoever that was,
391
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,112
he looked just like you.
I hope he doesn't
392
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,180
hit somebody in the head
with a pipe and run,
393
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:49,149
because if he does,
you're going to jail.
394
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,583
I mean, for real, Dad,
395
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,052
he looked just like you--
396
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,321
bald head, beard,
dark skin, everything.
397
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,655
I even called you.
398
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,357
I said, "Daddy...!"
399
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,458
Sure did.
400
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,160
Then the guy turned around
and looked right at us,
401
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,394
covered his face
with a package
402
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:02,996
and ran inside
the building.
403
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,597
Hey, baby, you want
a beer before dinner.
404
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,033
Oh, thanks.
405
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,467
So who did y'all see
running into a building?
406
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,469
Nobody.
They just playing.
407
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:10,770
(chuckles nervously):
Kids.
408
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,772
Playing all the time.
409
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,242
Mm, okay.
410
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,678
I don't know, Dad.
411
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:21,348
If they had a look-
like-you contest,
412
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:22,615
he would win.
413
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:23,650
Yeah.
414
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,552
Okay, okay, fine.
415
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,387
It was me.
416
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,522
I took a job delivering packages
for the week.
417
00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,024
Ooh...
418
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,392
You're supposed
to be on vacation.
419
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,527
Mama's gonna be mad.
420
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,396
Not if you keep your mouth shut.
421
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:39,499
You know Mom hates to be the
last to find out about stuff.
422
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,434
And I don't want her
mad at me.
423
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,503
Do you guys like
having a father?
424
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,038
Yes.
Yes.
425
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:47,374
Keep quiet.
426
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:48,408
And I'll give you five dollars.
427
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,243
Each?
428
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:52,579
Yeah.
429
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,247
Now shh.
430
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,716
I had brought two fighters
of different ethnicities
431
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,518
together for a fixed fight.
432
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,721
I felt just like Don King.
433
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,723
Hey, Fried Rice.
What took you so long?
434
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,358
Why don't you ask your mother?
435
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,594
(crowd oohs)
436
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:22,709
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
437
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,377
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight!
438
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,413
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
439
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,480
Where you going?
440
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:28,581
Don't you want
to see who wins?
441
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:29,649
What's the difference?
442
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,184
Either way, tomorrow,
443
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,552
someone's gonna be kicking
the crap out of me.
444
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:35,555
(chanting continues)
445
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,260
Back on my dad's secret job,
he didn't know it,
446
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:43,062
but the shipment
was about to hit the fan.
447
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,472
Hey, excuse me,
excuse me, look.
448
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,541
I'll give you five dollars
if you go in there
449
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:55,608
and get a package for me.
450
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,377
What are you...?
451
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,312
You're some kind
of pervert.
No, no.
452
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:02,249
No, no, no, look.
I'll give you ten, man, hey!
453
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,516
Damn!
454
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,890
Can I help you?
455
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,859
(coughs)
456
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:13,893
Hey, baby.
457
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,262
How you doing?
458
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:16,663
If that's what
my mother looks like
459
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,631
catching my father
with another job,
460
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,600
it's no wonder he never had
another woman.
461
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:21,701
What you doing here?
462
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,603
I'm working.
463
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,737
What are you doing here?
464
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,506
Relaxing?
465
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,607
Drew and Tanya...
466
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,875
Yeah, Drew and Tanya.
467
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:30,810
Now you're bribing
your own kids?
468
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,879
You should be
ashamed or yourself.
469
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,747
And you only gave them
ten measly dollars.
470
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,283
You could've at least
gave them $20.
471
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,917
How did you know
I was going to be here?
472
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,754
Who do you think called for
you to pick up the package?
473
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,823
Look, I'm just trying
to make some extra money
474
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,492
so we can get ahead, baby.
475
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,327
Baby, how are you
gonna get ahead
476
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,928
if your behind is
laying in a coffin?
477
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,664
Julius, I need for
you to relax,
478
00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:54,367
so I can relax.
You understand?
479
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,469
I'm sorry.
480
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,471
I didn't know it was
that important to you.
481
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,474
(sighs heavily)
482
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:02,475
Go home.
483
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:05,478
And if you're not asleep
by the time I get home,
484
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,515
I'm gonna knock you out.
485
00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:10,917
No, don't kiss me, I'm in
my place of business.
486
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:12,785
Well, at least let me
get the package.
487
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,255
There is no package.
488
00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,194
Go to sleep.
489
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:24,264
And I'm keeping the ten dollars.
490
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,533
For a few days, I had something
I'd always wished for--
491
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,401
no Caruso.
492
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,670
But the only thing worse
than life with him,
493
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:31,604
was life without him.
494
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,740
Everybody was talking
about the fight,
495
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:38,211
but I knew how it ended
before it started.
496
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:39,346
Well, you did it, man.
497
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,680
Caruso's back.
498
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,915
Yeah, I guess I'm a real hero--
499
00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:45,218
Superfool.
500
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:47,754
Greg?
501
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:54,227
Thanks, Sandman.
502
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,563
Give me my money.
503
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,531
You owe me a pizza.
504
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:03,636
Thank you.
505
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:04,704
Thanks, nothing.
506
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:05,672
You got what you wanted,
507
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,706
I let Caruso beat me,
508
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,308
and now I get what I want.
509
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,410
Either I pass my math class
or it's your ass.
510
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,681
What's he angry about?
511
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,983
Can't he see I'm the one
in the locker?
512
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:22,689
* Everybody Hates Chris. *
513
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,725
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
33483
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof