All language subtitles for A.Guide.For.The.Married.Man.1967.480p.DVDRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].ENG1

Darling?
As soon as I finish the chapter, honey.

How many more pages?

About eight.
Oh.

Shall we leave it till
tomorrow maybe, darling? Sure. Okay, honey.

Night.
Night.

Wow

what we need
in the world today

is a guide
for the married man

some simple thing
that in every way

would provide
for the harried man

help him not to worry

assist him to relax

help him slow his heart rate

and spare him cardiacs,
yeah, yeah, yeah

such a guide
would in many ways

turn the tide
for the married man

enable husbands
to fill their days

as only the married can

every man would praise it

it's such a splendid plan

someday soon we shall point with pride

to the guide

for the married man

By the side
of the married man

'tis the lady
who shares his life

you help the bride
of the married man

by removing
the husband's strife

every wife who's truthful

who treasures married bliss

must keep her husband
youthful

what better way than this

each and every device
we know

should be tried
for the married man

and who can question
the debt he'll owe

to the guide
for the married man

it will list things
universal

from Pittsburgh to Japan

and every man
can be satisfied

by the guide

for the married man

the married man
the married man

the married man
the married man

Hi, Mr. Manning!
Hiya, Charlie baby.

Go get Debbie.
Tell 'em we're waiting. Okay.

And hurry back out.
Hiya, Paul.

Hi, ed.
Nice morning, isn't it? Beautiful.

How's Ruth?
Fine. Harriet?

Fine. Oh, that reminds me.

Look, if it should
happen to come up, I had lunch with you yesterday.

Yesterday? No, no, no.
That was Thursday.

Yesterday,
I had lunch with-with me, Paul. With me.

Oh. Yeah.

Who was she, ed?

When I left the barbershop
a few days ago,

there was
this lady traffic cop,

and she was writing me out
a parking ticket.

Hi, daddy!
Hi, daddy! Daddy! Hi!

But how did you know
she'd be willing?

After a while, you sort of
begin to develop a nose for it.

Yes, but at the beginning--
the first time, for instance.

How did you know
the first time?

Instinct.
Hey, daddy! Daddy, look!

Well, what if you
don't have instinct?

You have to sort of
put out feelers. You know, a little joke first.

What?
You have to sort of put out feelers.

A-A little joke first,
and then you-joke?

You can joke
at a time like that? Why not?

I don't know. I just thought
you'd be too, uh, scar-too fri--

do you have
to take her out first? Daddy!

But what if someone
recognizes your car in front of the motel?

Let hertz put you
in the driver's seat.

Daddy! Look at me.

Hi, kids. Hi.
Hi, hi.

Do all married guys
do it, ed? No, no.

Maybe there comes a time
in every marriage

when the guy considers it,
but not all of them give in to it.

Only about 43%.

Which I think is about
to go up to 44.

Huh? No, not me.

Never. Never in
a hundred years.

Never in a thousand years.
Never in a million years.

A million.

Why, ed? Why?
Why does a guy do it?

I can understand it
if he doesn't like his wife or he isn't happy at home.

But why if he loves his wife,
if he's crazy about her and he's glad he's married to her

and he never wants
to be married to anyone else?

Why, ed? Why?
Lots of reasons.

A manifestation
of latent insecurity.

Can't get better meat
than that.

But you know something?
You'd get awfully tired of it

if you didn't have some fish
once in a while.

Because she's there.

Is that why you do it?
No, no, no, no.

Remember how it used
to be with a girl when you first met her?

Heart leaping with joy.
Yeah.

A song on your lips.

I wanted to feel that again.
Yeah. Feel that.

I knew I was right when I heard
what happened to this guy. Uh-huh?

Married 14 years,

14 of the cleanest years
you ever saw.

Never so much as
looked at another girl, never mind the other thing.

And then--

Oh!

No.
Yeah. Right in front of his wife and everything.

Boy, oh, boy.
I wouldn't wanna do that to Harriet.

And I'll tell you
a very interesting thing.

It helped my marriage.
Really?

Uh-huh. Every once in a while,
I used to resent Harriet--

like it was her fault
I was missing out on all the others.

Now I haven't resented her
for six and a half years.

No kidding?

Right in front of his wife
and everything, eh? Yeah.

Boy, I'd sure hate for me
to do something like that in front of Ruth and everything.

Paul?
Hmm?

Are you trying
to tell me something? No, no.

It's just that
I was thinking--

well, if it would keep a guy
from doing something like that in front of his wife--

maybe I'm just not--
beer! Popcorn! Peanuts! Cold drinks!

Two beers, lady.
I'll have two beers too, lady.

Thank you, sweetheart.
My pleasure.

Harriet says
we'll be eating in about an hour.

Right smack
in front of her, huh?

And it's clear
to the naked eye

that you're gonna
take the plunge any day now.

I am?
There's no doubt about it.

I was the same way
before I began.

Hey, fellas. Come in, Harriet.

Them as wants their hamburgers
rare or medium rare better shake a leg.

We'll be right out.
Yeah.

Believe me, kid.
You're primed, ready and willing.

Yeah. I'm afraid
maybe I am.

Well,
what about Ruth? Ruth who?

Ruth, your wife.
No, no, no. You don't understand.

That's not who i--
oh. That's right. Oh.

Never a second thought
to maybe she'll find out and cry and everything.

But, ed, you do it
all the time. So?

So, aren't you afraid
you'll make Harriet cry and everything?

No. Because I had enough
sense of decency.

I loved Harriet enough
to wait until I learned how to do it well.

Oh.

That's why I want you
to promise me something--

that you'll hold off
until I can give you a few pointers

before getting
into the old ball game.

Okay, ed.
You're the coach.

Will you look at that?

The poor kid.
Baby, your eyes must be killing you.

Here. Here,
let me do that. Thank you, darling.

What a mess.
Women shouldn't be allowed near these things.

There's so much to know.
So much to know.

Where to take her,
how to choose her, what to do if a man answers.

Hang up?
Wrong.

Ask to speak to Jack
and then say you got a wrong number?

What if his name
happens to be Jack? Oh.

See? Already
you're in trouble.

What do you do if a man answers?

You put your hand
over the mouthpiece so he doesn't hear you breathing.

Then he'll think
there's something wrong with the connection

and hang up.
Yeah.

Then, of course,
you've got to get out of the house at night

without
arousing suspicion. You do, don't you?

Unless you're unemployed
and have your afternoons free.

Oh. Well, I could say
that I was at the office working late.

And what happens if Ruth
should phone you there

and find you're not there
working late?

Oh.
Which brings us to basic principle number one.

Never,
never say you'll be

where you can be found
not to be.

Yes. I can see that.

Boy, oh, boy. It gets
pretty complicated, doesn't it?

Protecting your loved ones
is never easy, kid.

Yes. Then how do you
get out of the house at night without arousing suspicion?

Well, it depends upon
the kind of wife you've got.

This guy I knew,
he invented a brilliant gambit.

He used what he called
the bust-up scene.

He'd provoke a fight.

Joe?
Yeah?

Hi, baby.
Hi, honey.

How are the kids?
Fine.

Good. What's for dinner?
Chicken.

Chicken? We just had that
two days ago.

No. That was
last Thursday we had chicken.

Are you callin' me a liar?
No, honey. I just--

a man kills himself workin'
for his wife and family all day long.

What does he get
when he gets home? Chicken and insults.

Honey.
It's not bad enough we have chicken every day--

we do not have chicken
every day.

Why don't you learn how
to cook somethin' else for a change?

I do! Yesterday,
we had pot roast.

That was pot roast, huh?
Yeah!

Tasted more like the pot
than the roast.

Are you complaining
about my cooking? Yes.

Well, if you don't like it,
why don't you go someplace else?

All right! I will!
All right! Go ahead!

Aw, quiet!

Harry.

Hello?
Baby. Baby, I'm sorry.

Well, you ought to be.
Yeah, yeah. I feel terrible, baby.

I don't know why
you put up with me. Neither do I.

Did you eat?
Yeah. I caught a hamburger in some joint.

Then I sort of just
drove around.

I feel terrible, honey.
Well,

maybe we do have chicken
a little too often.

No, no. Honey--
honey, it's not that.

It's just this
crazy temper of mine.

I don't know why I keep
takin' it out on you.

Well, maybe that's what
a wife is for.

Oh, no. Honey,
I love your chicken. Really, honey?

But most of all,
I love you, honey.

I love you, honey.

See ya tonight, baby.

Did you notice his use
of the continuous-action verb--

keep on taking it
out on you?

Thereby setting it up
for next time.

Yes. It's a pretty elaborate way of doing it, isn't it?

Yeah. Thereby proving
how deeply he cares for his wife.

Hello, darling.

Hello, honey.

What's for dinner?
Vichyssoise, casserole cassoulet,

mousse à la russe
and Irish coffee.

Well, that sounds expensive.
Expensive?

A couple of potatoes,
three-quarters of a pound of sausage, four eggs.

What-what kind of food is that to give to a child?

Deborah?
She's already eaten.

Cauliflower,
creamed spinach and lamb chops.

That's the trouble with Ruth.
She's such a wonderful wife.

Look, Paul, if you care
enough for your wife,

you can always find
something about her that you can't stand.

Oh. Hi, darling.

What are you
so cheerful about?

Did it ever occur to you
that I may not be feeling cheerful?

No. You're much
too selfish for that.

Always thinking
only of yourself!

Well, if you think I'm just
gonna stick around here watching you be cheerful,

you're sadly mistaken.

And I'm gonna come back
when I'm good and rea--

oh, I'm sorry.
Honey, I'm terr--

terribly sorry.

After the bust-up scene, okay, flowers.

But if you didn't even do it.

Maybe I'm just not cut out
for the whole thing.

I mean, it's just that
she's so sensitive. Thank you.

Sure. I understand, kid.
Harriet's the same way.

If she weren't, would I
make all those sacrifices to keep her from finding out?

Yeah. I suppose so.

What would make
a sensitive woman like Ruth fight back?

Well, I know
what bugs Harriet--

when I act like
I'm the lord of the manor

and she's a lowly peasant
like--

once I complained that some men
have a drink waiting for them when they get home.

Boy, did she give it to me.

Yes, your royal highness.

At your service,
your majesty.

Your slightest wish
is my command, o big shot.

Hi, darling.
Darling!

What happened?
Uh!

Are you all right?
It's all right. I hurt my back a bit.

Nothing serious.
Oh, your back?

Listen, Ruth. Some men--
oh, you poor dear. Shall I call the doctor?

No. Now, listen to me.
Will you listen to me? Maybe some heating pads.

Some men, when they
come home at night-I've got a better idea.

A steam bath.
It'll soothe-a steam bath-steam bath?

Uh-huh.
Where you stay over all night?

Yes.
For men only?

Naturally.

Darling.

Oh.

Oh, darling.

Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.

I think
you've got big things ahead of you, kid.

Thanks, ed.
I hated lying to her though.

I know, but you
gotta keep remembering it's for her own good.

Yes. That's true.
I keep telling myself.

Sure. It's the least
we can do for them.

Mr. Manning.
Mr. Fordyce called.

He wants to know whether
it's right to liquidate the muriett valley holdings.

No, no. No, no.
Tell him, um,

considering the prepaid
interest factor,

there's a distinct
tax benefit

in waiting
until the next

fiscal period.

No, no. Tell him
I'll fall him-uh, call him.

Yes, sir.

No, Paul.
Huh?

Uh.
Oh. Why not?

You're not ready yet, kid.
And about the steam bath, kid,

there's one
little improvement you can make, if you don't mind my saying so.

No, no. Go right ahead.
Tell Ruth that you're switching to a Finnish sauna.

A Finnish sauna?
Yeah, where they hit you with tree branches

while you're sweating it out.

Why is that better?
Well, you never know.

Someday, you may find yourself
with a friend who gets sort of carried away.

The tree branches would explain
the scratches on your back.

Oh.

A bottle of old ironsides,
please. Giant, economy size. Yes, sir.

Aftershave lotion--
worth its weight in gold. Really? Why?

It's not very likely
that your wife and your friend

use the same kind
of perfume, is it?

Which can result
in complications.

Taxi!

727 seabury.

W-Wait. Wait. Stop.
Hold everything.

Didn't you ever see a man
lose anything before? Get going.

Hi, sweet.
Oh, hello, dear.

How was the p.T.A. Meeting?

Oh, dull. Dull, as usual.
Yes.

Thank you for volunteering
to go alone.

Why should both of us
be bored?

Certainly knocks you out though.

I think I'll hit the hay.

Well, you deserve it, dear.
Good night, dear.

Good night, sweet.

That's when I realized
some defensive measure had to be taken.

I tried dozens of them
before I found old ironsides.

Really? What do you think
makes it so special?

Here. Smell it.
Wow.

The most powerful
aftershave lotion on the market.

A few drops of this, and you
outsmell any woman's perfume ever invented.

No kidding?
Yeah.

Hey.
There's Irma Johnson. Who?

Irma Johnson.
My neighbor. Where?

There.

Come on.

What big eyes you have, grandma.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah.
I have very big eyes.

Your memory
isn't bad either.

Yeah, well, I, uh--

hi.
Hi.

How nice to see you.
Really?

It's nice to be seen.

Irma Johnson, my neighbor,
I'd like you to meet, uh-ed stander.

Nice to meet you,
Mrs. Johnson. Nice meeting you too.

We were just
on our way to lunch when I happened to recognize you.

From behind?

Well, I have
very big eyes.

And deliciously long eyelashes
to go with them.

Really?
Uh-huh.

Well, it was lovely
running into you two.

Seriously?
Yes.

Uh, nice meeting you too,
Mr. Stander. Likewise.

Uh, toodle-oo. Toodle.

Oh, boy.

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

You might as well
be wearing a neon sign announcing your intentions.

I'm sorry, ed.
It's those little things that count, kid.

They're the difference
between a happy and an unhappy marriage.

Yeah. I'll watch 'em, ed.
Listen, can I get old ironsides in any drugstore?

Oh, Paul, Paul.
Baby, baby.

But you said
that I ought to buy it. Sure.

But we mustn't forget
about Ruth, must we?

Ruth who?
Ruth, your wife.

Oh.
What do you think she's gonna think?

Think? Just because I change
my aftershave lotion?

Is that all
you've done, Paul? Yeah, sure.

Yeah? Uh? Uh?
Oh, you mean the back bit.

Aw, come on, ed. Being careful
is one thing, but this?

She'd have to be clairvoyant
to connect the two.

If she has to, she will.

Now, ed,
you're being too careful.

Too careful, huh?

There was this guy.
He was a big movie star.

Have a nice day, darling.

There he is!

Morning, maddock.

There you are, girls.
That's it for today, girls.

Be good to your mothers.

Hiya, rance.

Good morning, rance.
Aw, you look great, rance.

Did you sleep well, rance?
Can I do anything for you?

Oh, that's a new kid
the studio just put under contract.

Can I get you anything?

Hiya, bill!
How have you been?

Hiya, rance!
Good seein' ya.

Oh, by the way, rance,
I'd like you to meet a little friend of mine.

Rance, this is miss stardust.
Miss stardust, rance.

Pleased to meet you,
miss stardust. Likewise, your stardom.

Rance, why don't you sit down
and join us for a minute?

Okay, but, uh,
just for a moment.

How's Mrs. G., rance?
Wonderful little lady.

You're a lucky guy to have
a little lady like that.

Loudmouth here tell you
how you can become a star?

You're the first one to know it,
too, aren't you? Okay? Good.

A big star like myself has to be very careful.

So here's how
we're gonna do it.

Flight 193 to Honolulu.
Flight 8 to New York.

And it's now costing him $3,000 a week,

not to mention the house,
car, insurance policies.

Boy, oh, boy.
Yeah. So repeat after me.

There is no such thing
there is no such thing

as too careful.
As too careful.

Good boy.
Maybe I ought to switch to old ironsides.

Thank you.
Yep.

Maybe if you
bought it for me,

you know, sort of
as a birthday present.

Yeah, that would
be better, but--

think how much still better
it would be

if Ruth herself
were to get it for you. Ruth who?

Ruth, your wife.
Oh.

Good-bye, Deborah.

Mommy, mommy!
Daddy smells!

Well, it's really not nice
to say that about somebody, even a daddy.

It might
hurt their feelings.

May I help you, madam?
Yes.

What is the most powerful
aftershave lotion you have?

I took one look
at that babysitter, and I thought to myself,

thank goodness my son's
only eight months old.

My babysitter calls me
the day before and tells me what to put in the refrigerator.

That's ed.

Hi, Harriet. Hi, ed. Hi.

Hi, ed.
How are you, Paul?

Boy, oh, boy.
Did I feel like an awful heel.

If she knew,
she'd thank you.

Don't worry, girls.
The fellas promise to let their wives drive home.

But who's going to drive the wives home?

Two drinks, and Freddie
thinks he's Batman.

Luckily, we don't have
far to go.

Who's the water and scotch?
Who's the scotch and water?

With his secretary
for years.

Secretary. Huh!
My three-year-old son can type better than her.

But he's not
built like her. How can a woman be so blind?

And any guy who doesn't
let her know he's married right off the bat

is just looking
for trouble.

I don't know, ed.
You lose an awful lot of them that way.

Better to lose one or two
than face something like this.

Oscar j. Schwartzcoff--
2798 coldhaven road--

is a dirty,
double-crossing fink!

Oscar j. Schwartzcoff--
2798 coldhaven road--

is a dirty,
double-crossing fink!

Which has been known to happen.

I'd kill mine if I even
thought he was doing it.

Not me.
You wouldn't?

No. As long as I didn't know,
I wouldn't care.

What would you do
if you did know? Pretend I didn't.

No. You're wrong, ed.
You take 'em to the most popular place in town.

Where you're
pretty sure to get seen by some bigmouth

who knows you
and your wife.

Maybe, but even if it does
get back to your wife, you can always counter with,

would you have taken her
to a place where you were sure to be seen

if it weren't
absolutely innocent? Yes, but--

yes, and your way--
with the hideaway-you get seen,

and it's prima facie
evidence against you.

Granted,
but my way fixes it

so that it can't possibly
get back to your wife.

Why? What guarantee
have you got

that you won't get seen
in your crummy little hideaway?

None. Except that, if you
are seen by someone in the hideaway,

it's obviously someone else
who's hiding away, and who's he to talk?

Because then he's got to explain
what he was doing there himself.

And at 78, you'd think
they'd be finished with that sort of thing.

As long as there's
breath in their bodies,

they're never finished
with that sort of thing.

Basically not monogamous.

Yeah. I suppose that's
as good a reason as any.

But when a man is 40,
he can still get a 20-year-old tootsie.

This 20-year-old chick--
a woman would have to be in love first, but men--

yeah, but, fellas,
is the whole thing worth it--

risking your marriage,
your home, your family?

That's exactly
what I say. It's not worth it.

Sometimes I wish
I felt that way,

and then I see a perky
little thing, and I get-ooh.

But why?
Why do they do it? Oh, lots of reasons.

Because he thinks
he's god's gift to women.

Because his wife
didn't understand him.

The lucky girl.

Because he was a louse.

Isn't it funny how we happen to leave the house

at the same time
every morning?

Maybe it's fate, doll.

If it is, it's a fate
better than death.

You are a devil,
aren't you? Really?

A big-eyed,
long-lashed devil.

Seriously?
Uh-huh.

Do you believe
in flaunting fate, Mr. Devil? Well, I, uh--

I don't.
Me neither.

Then maybe you can
give me a lift some morning.

I can?
Why not?

I could certainly use a lift
some mornings.

Yes. Who couldn't?

Big fella.

Who was the sexiest lady
there tonight?

You, dear.
Really?

Yeah, sure.

Did you like
the way I looked?

Yeah, great.

How about my hair?
How about it?

Do you like it this way?
Yeah, great.

How am I wearing it?

Uh, up-up there
somewhere.

That's close. And what
was I wearing tonight?

Wearing?
Uh-huh.

Well, um,
three-piece suit.

Uh, silver-lamé jacket
with long sleeves.

Under that,
a sleeveless-shell blouse

with black striped bands
at the neck and waist.

Rhinestone earrings
and black velvet headband.

Silver handbag.
Silver shoes with matching bows

and fashionable heels
with sling straps.

And straight,
hip-hugging skirt.

Here you are, baby.

Mm.

Pussycat.
Yeah?

If you had your choice
among all the girls at the party tonight--

you. Of course.

And so would
Harry Johnson. Oh, ed.

No. I know the type.

Somebody else's grass
is always greener.

Really?
Yeah.

That's why I want you
to be a little standoffish.

You know, civil
but with a touch of you can't stand him.

All right, darling,
but I can't really believe he's like that.

Well, I don't trust him
one inch.

It doesn't matter about him,
pussycat.

As long as you and I
trust each other. Yeah.

Darling, what were you men
talking so heatedly about tonight?

Oh, baseball,
the stock market. You know.

What were you girls
talking about?

Oh, kids, new styles.
You know.

Yeah.
Good party, wasn't it?

Yes.

Darling, who did you think
was the most attractive woman there tonight?

You.

No. I mean it.
So do I.

Okay. After me.

Janet Brody.
Really?

Then how come you were dancing
with Irma Johnson all night?

Who?
Irma Johnson.

It wasn't all night.
And as the host--

I really don't blame you,
darling.

She's very attractive,
even if a bit obvious.

Who?
Irma.

Mmm!

And I thought I wiped the floor with Harry Johnson last night.

Didn't you?
About the hideaway versus the popular place, I mean.

Yes, yes.
I suppose so.

Yeah. Of course, he's still
fairly new at it, but--

Is something
bothering you, kid?

No, no. It's just--

I can't do it, ed.
I just couldn't. Oh.

Every time
I think of Ruth--

how sweet she is,
how trusting--

i-no. No.
Forget it.

Let's just forget
the whole thing. Sure. Sure.

I mean, you know--
I just can't do it.

I'm sorry, ed.
Sure, I understand, kid.

Look, if that's the way
you feel about it, more power to you.

Um, you'll need it.

Uh, excuse me a moment.

Over there. Look.

Yes, I do.

I know.

Oh, that--
oh!

No, uh--

how do you know
where they are? Where what are?

The hideaways.
Oh.

You go hunting for them.

When? I'm at work by 9:00
and home at 6:00.

So?
So, when can i--

oh.

Oh, yeah.

Not only
did I see him, but so did everyone else in the place.

Terrible. Just terrible.

A guy like that should be
prohibited by law from swinging.

Yeah.
Where'd he go wrong, ed?

Three places. First of all,
he should never have been in a place that well lit.

Secondly, he should have
been in a corner booth with his back to the room.

And thirdly,
he owed it to his wife not to show the white feather.

But, ed, he knew
he was in danger of being seen.

That's when you separate
the considerate husbands

from the inconsiderate ones.

Why? What would
a considerate husband have done?

I'll tell you.

You see, that way,
there's something clean and wholesome about it.

Yeah. There's something else
that's been bothering me, ed. Yeah? What?

Well, the way some of you
talk so freely, like last night.

Aren't you afraid
that someone will, you know?

No, of course not.
Why?

The code, Paul.
The code.

The what?
The code.

Thou shalt not snitch
on thy fellow man.

Oh. Can you depend on it?
Like a suit of armor, kid.

In all my years in the game,
I never heard of anyone violating it.

Really?
Yeah.

With two exceptions--
your wife's worst enemy yeah?

And her best friend.
Oh.

No. I'm sorry.
One more exception.

Your enemy-someone
who's out to get you.

I see. Well, what
do you do about him?

Well, firstly, of course,
you try to keep him from knowing.

But sometimes you can't.
So?

In that case,
you try to get the same thing on him.

But what if he doesn't,
uh, indulge?

Misdirection.
Misdirection?

Yeah. Like, for instance,
these two guys I knew.

One of them sold the other
a house full of termites.

Boy, was the other guy
out to get even.

Behold.
The gates of paradise.

Move it, baby! Move it! And--

oh. The termite buyer.
Think. Think.

Irving!
Good to see ya!

I'll bet.
Yeah.

Poor kid. She thinks
her husband is shacked up in there with some broad.

Asked me to come along
as a witness. I'll bet.

I figure it's the least
I can do for the kid. My secretary. Works for me.

Been with me for years.
Is that right, miss-uh, Mrs. Crenshaw?

Yeah, sure, babe--
uh, Mr., uh--

I'll bet.
Yeah.

Well, I figure it's the least
I can do for the kid. I'll bet.

Yeah. I--
Irving.

You're just the fella.
Huh? For what?

Maybe you could
help the kid out.

What for? You're doin'
pretty good for her.

Oh, for heaven sakes,
Irving.

She's my secretary.
Been with me for years. I'll bet.

Yeah. So, I figure
my testimony in court might seem prejudiced.

But coming from you,
a perfect stranger, they'd have to believe you.

You mean you want me
to break in on 'em with you?

Would you, Irv,
as a personal favor to me?

Sure.
Gee, thanks, kid. Come on.

Come on!

Believe me, Irving.
I really appreciate this.

Take a good look so you can make
a positive identification later. Yeah. Yeah.

Seen enough, Irv?
Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go!
Just a minute!

You people should be ashamed.

As you were.
You said that he didn't--

shocking. Shocking.
Thanks, Irv.

We'll get in touch with you
when we need you.

Come, Mrs. Crenshaw.
My lawyer's chambers are just around the corner.

So, you see, it's a matter
of keeping your wits about you at all times.

Yeah, but what about
that poor man and woman?

Yeah. Really ruined
their afternoon. I'll bet.

Yes, sir, you've got
to admit it.

There's a man who proved
how much he really cares for his wife.

You never know
what you may suddenly need.

Yeah. I see what you mean.

Could use
a bit more practice,

but not at all bad.

Thanks, ed.
Yeah. Not at all bad.

As a matter of fact,
kid, you know what? What?

I think you're ready
for a trial run.

Now, remember, from now on,

we simulate actual
battle conditions. Roger.

And it's all your show.
Wilco.

Right. Now,
what's your first move?

The hideaway
I finally dug up.

Onward and upward.

Candy?

And adheres to the television code of fair practice.

We are now signing
off the air, and--

Good morning, ed. What time is it?

8:10.

Nothing?
Absolutely nothing?

Not an inkling of suspicion.
Not an iota of an inkling.

Not an iota of an iota
of an inkling.

Kid, I think you're ready.
Really?

Really.
Oh, boy.

Which brings us
to the hardest part-the who.

Excuse me.
Mr. Manning,

would it be all right
if I go out to lunch now?

Yes, of course.
Thank you.

Uh, miss Harris?
Yes?

Uh, are you married,
miss Harris? No.

Would you like to be?
Boy, would I.

Yes. Thank you,
miss Harris.

There's your answer.
Huh?

Remember, I once told you
you could count on the code 100% with certain exceptions?

Yes.
That's the worst one-the single girl.

You mean she'd tell?
Like a shot!

Why? What has she
got to gain?

The husband
of the wife she tells.

Oh, no. No, she would never
do a thing like that.

No. Not directly,
but one way or another.

Y-You know Clara brown,
don't you?

The one whose divorce case
you're handling? Yeah.

Anyway, one night
she caught her husband.

And so, here I am.

Well, what made you
first suspect

that your husband was having
an affair with his secretary?

Well, on this particular day,

my husband told me he was
going to be working late

and for me
not to wait up for him.

Of course I didn't think
anything special about it.

He worked late quite often.

At about 11:30,
I went to bed.

Hello.
Sorry. Wrong number.

Wrong number, my foot.

Whoever it was obviously
wanted me up and awake at that particular moment.

You mean, as soon as you
had that wrong-number phone call, you knew?

Yes.

That was terribly bright
of you, wasn't it? No. Not really.

You see, that's how I got him
away from his first wife.

You mean, one should
stay away from single girls?

Well, until one is a little
more experienced anyway.

As a beginner,
one is better off sticking to the first principle.

First principle?
Yeah. Never have an affair with someone

who doesn't have as much
to lose as you.

A married woman has as much to lose, doesn't she?

Especially
if she has children.

She has three.
Well, that's a plus in her favor.

Sorry, darling. Soup's on!

Come and get it!

Hey, let's go. Yea! Come on!

Oh, it's about time.

That's why I dropped
that last pass: Malnutrition.

That's right.
Women and children last. Mustard or ketchup, darling?

Don't bother.
I'll take care of him.

Good, good.
Got any onions?

Ooh, give me some. A penny for your thoughts?

His or mine?
Yours.

And a dollar
for yours.

You better take another.

You never know when
you're going to need all your strength.

Ah.

There's only one trouble.
Trouble?

Come here.
Double jeopardy. Double jeopardy?

With a married woman,
you not only have to guard against your wife finding out,

but her husband as well.

You see, she's preferable
to the single girl, of course,

but your first time out--
well, you know how fond I am of Ruth.

I'd like you to break in
the safest possible way.

Yes, I see.

Oh, honey?
Yes?

Is there an onion in that?
Uh-huh.

Honey, you know
it doesn't agree with you.

Thank you, darling.

What is the safest
possible way?

A divorcée who's getting
more in alimony than you get in salary.

You see, if she marries you,
then her alimony stops

and she has to lower
her standard of living.

Then she's really got
something to lose.

I see.

But where do you find
such a person?

Good morning.
Good morning.

Please.
Thank you.

Now then,
what can I do for you?

Well, I've just been divorced,

and I get a very large sum
of money from my ex-husband every month,

and I was hoping your firm
would manage it for me.

We would be delighted to.

Now, if you would care
to give me some details--

wouldn't it be cozy
if we discussed it over lunch?

Yes. Yes, that's exactly
what I was thinking.

Aren't you clever?
Uh, well,

we aim to please.

I'm sure you will.
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Charming as well.

I think I'm going to adore
being managed by you.

Shall we then,
Mrs. Montgomery?

Jocelyn.
Oh.

May you call me Paul?

I'd love to, Paul.

Ed? Ed.
Paul?

Ed.
Over here.

I got her, ed-a divorcée
with a big alimony.

Really? Bully for you!
How long do I have to wait before I can ask her?

How long? Because
if I can do it soon--

Ruth is going away
for a few days with the baby to see her mother,

and I can take Jocelyn--
that's her name, Jocelyn--

to the house
instead of to a motel. What?

To the house
instead of to a motel. Bite your tongue.

Huh? What?
What's the matter?

After all I taught you,
Paul,

how can you let me down
like that? Why? What did i--

oh, no. No, ed.

She hides in the backseat
of the car, under the lap robe.

I drive it into the garage.
Then we go into the house through the connecting door.

Nobody would ever see her.
I don't care if you could dematerialize her

and then rematerialize her
inside the house.

You never use your place.

But, ed--
never, I said!

I can tell you that Harold
wishes he'd listened to me. Harold?

Yeah. His wife and kid
were away too.

So he figured, why not save
the price of a motel room?

Whee!

Ah, ha-ha!

Mm.

What you looking for,
sweetie? My bra.

Ah, ha-ha-ha.

Can't you find it?
Uh-uh.

Are you sure
you were wearing one?

What kind of a girl
do you think I am? Of course I was!

Just a minute. Let's do this scientifically, eh?

Huh?
Catch hold. Are you there? Huh?

No bra? Hmm?
Oh!

No. Not there.

Ah, yeah. Here, huh?

All right. Here we go.

J-j-j-j-just a minute.

Are you sure
you were wearing one? Well, of course!

Don't you remember, tiger?

Ah.

Perhaps in the heat
of battle, eh?

Hmm. I say!

It's getting light.
Maybe I better go without it.

What? Are you crazy?

It's all right, tiger.
I've got another one at home.

That is not
what's worrying me. What is worrying me

is my wife coming home
and finding it.

She'll just think
it's hers.

Don't be ridiculous.

Excuse me.

We weren't anywhere
near it, tiger. I know we weren't.

And stop calling me tiger!

And he never did find it,

but he knows it's
in there somewhere,

and it's only a matter of time
till his wife comes across it.

Boy, that must be murder
on the nerves!

Murder?
Harold.

Harold!

Yeah?
I want you to meet a friend of mine.

Paul, this is Harold.

Harold.
Yeah?

This is Paul.

Glad to meet you, Harold.
Yeah. Yeah.

How long ago did all this happen?

About three weeks ago. Why?

I had the impression he was
a much younger man. You know, tiger and everything.

How old would you say he is?
I don't know. Seventy? Seventy-two?

Thirty-nine.
No kidding!

Still think you want
to take her to your place?

No, no. No. Thanks, ed.

Boy, I don't know--
I don't know what I'd do without you.

Well, you know how I feel about Ruth.

Yes, I'm sure
she'd appreciate it too.

Tonight's the night,
eh, kid?

Hmm? Oh, yes.
Yes, it is.

Relax.
You're gonna be fine. Yes.

Uh, just a couple
of points. Yes?

There's gonna come a time
when you want out. Yes, I will. I will.

You know, that's a very
tricky moment. Very tricky. Yes.

You see, if you break it off,
she gets sore--

the woman scorned bit, than
which hell hath no greater fury. Yes.

You've got to work it
so that the idea to break it off is hers,

she thinks.

Is that you, sweet lips?

Yes.
Oh!

Mmm! Oh! Ooh!

Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Uh, honey.
Honey, wait a minute.

Honey, would you mind
taking it just a little bit easier, baby?

Sweet lips is tired
after his hard day's work, isn't he?

No, no. It's not that.
It's just that, uh-just what, sweet lips?

Well, I-I saw
my accountant today, and he said--

oh, but why should I bother
your pretty little head with a thing like that?

Oh, honey?
What do you think we could get for this

from a secondhand shop?

I don't know. Two
or three dollars maybe?

Really?

Sweet lips,
is anything the matter?

No. Look, it--
please, don't give it a second thought.

Nothing-just because
my accountant said

that the tax department
made a big fuss about the--

hey, this-this ought
to bring a nice few dollars.

Ollie! That's
my graduation present!

Well, honey, we won't
need it anymore. We won't?

No. You see, the bed won't
fit into the new apartment.

New apartment?
Yes. It's smaller than this one, of course,

but I think we can fit in
a couple of army cots.

You'll love the view
from the eighth floor,

and the exercise'll do you
a lot of good.

Exercise?

You see, this apartment
was built before they invented elevators.

Ollie, are you
in trouble about money?

Oh, only temporarily.
But don't worry, honey.

It won't really make
any difference. It won't?

No, because we'll still
have each other.

Oh, Ollie!
Oh, that's all right.

I'll get you
one of my wife's coats.

She was gonna give it
to the salvation army anyway.

And then you'd be
too self-conscious

to-to wear one
of these coats to work.

Work?
Yes. I got you this job.

Ollie, I've been thinking.
Yes, honey?

Well, you're going
to have to give all your attention now

to getting back
on your feet, aren't you?

Oh, honey, only for--
for three or four years.

So, don't you think
it might be better

if we didn't see each other
for a while?

Oh, that would be terrible!

Yeah, I see.

Now just
one final word. Yeah?

If Ruth should hear something
or should get suspicious-huh?

It won't happen.
I promise you. But just in case--

yeah?
Deny, deny, deny.

No matter what she knows or
thinks she knows, deny it.

What if she knows?
You deny it.

What if she--
deny.

What if--
deny. Deny.

Charlie!
What?

What are you doing?

Where?
There! With her!

Who?
Her! How could you?

What?
That!

When?
When I came in, you and she were--

who?
You know very well who.

That-that woman there.

Where?
Charlie!

What?
You and that woman!

What woman?

Th-the-th-the one
who just left.

When?

But, Charlie!
What?

Aren't you even
ashamed of yourself?

Why?

Because of--

Charlie?
What?

What would you like
for dinner?

Perhaps the definitive
application of the tactic--

a classic of its kind.

Now, there's a man
you've got to take your hat off to.

Relax! Paul, relax.
You-you're going to be fine.

Hey! You had the best
teacher in the world, didn't you?

Yes. Yes, I did, didn't I?
I-I did. I--

hey, kumquats.
Ruth is crazy about these.

Candy?

Now, about your portfolio,

I see substantial benefit

in tax-free municipal bonds,

Which are tax-free.

I think you ought
to know I'm married.

Congratulations.
Oh, thank you.

I, uh-wouldn't--
wouldn't you rather be?

Not at the moment.

Oh, no, no.
No, I-I mean--

w-wouldn't it be nice
to have a husband? Husband?

I do.

Oh. Oh,
in that case, i-you.

No, no, no.
That's not what i--

i-i-i-i meant
one of your own, someone you can count on.

I am counting on you, honey.

No. No, I mean--

I mean,
someone you belong to,

someone who cares about you,

someone you're crazy about
and who you'd hate yourself if you hurt her,

and all you want to do
is be with her always, only,

and-here.

Here. Here-here's
a picture of her.

Isn't she wonderful? And-and
that's my little daughter.

Open up in there!

Come on! We know
you're in there! Open up!

A search warrant! It's a private room!

I'm gonna break
that camera over your head! -

Each and every device
we know

should be tried
by the married man

and who can question
the debt he'll owe

to the guide
for the married man

it will list things
universal

from Pittsburgh to Japan

and very man
can be satisfied

by the guide

for the married man