Original subtitles

Brr We have arrived.

What are you going to do with me, Emelian?

- I'll give you to my granny! She will cook a fat fish-soup of you.

Emelian, let me go back to my brothers!!

Don't make soup of me!

Put me back into the water to my little kids!

How many kids do you have?

Forty-four! So many little orphans will be without mother.

Have mercy on me!

- All right, but be careful next time!

Don't get caught again!

Nothing to do about that.

We'll have meatless soup instead of fat fish soup.

Ech, Emelian. Happiness is not in a soup.

For letting me go, I'll grant you everything you wish.

You are kidding me!

Trust my words, Emelian,

whenever you want something, you just need to say:

"As the pike orders, and as I desire..."

and it will come true.

Well As the pike orders, and as I desire...

Buckets, take yourselves home!

As the pike orders, and as I desire...

The Tsar - Emperor comes!

Look maria, what the foreign prince has send you

Oh, how nice!

Oh, how handsome he is! But he's too skinny.

He will put on weight enough when he will get our food.

So when will he arrive, Tsar-Emperor?

Any time soon.

Oh, I need to do my hair!

So do it right away!

Emelian, we have no more fire wood.

Go drive into the woods, and cut down a tree.

All right, I'll be on my way.

As the pike orders, and as I desire...

Sledge, ride to the forest!

Youchei, beware!

watch out

Oh, charming, charming Magnifique!

Charming! Magnificent!

Youchei! Beware! Watch out!

How awful, how awful! Hold him! Seize him! Help! Help!

As the pike orders, and as I desire...

Axe, chop together some dry wood!

And now handsome, it's your turn!

Bonjour. Eh,eh, Hello there.

- Good day - Bonjour.

- Sh-hello!

As the pike orders, and as I desire...

Make the tsars daughter fall in love with me!

what happened to you?

I fell in love.

J'aime!

Moi Aussi* *(Me too)

He loves you too.

But I love another one.

Have you gone mad, girl?

How could you not fall in love with him?!

So, who is it?!

Ah! I don't know.

As the pike orders, and as I desire...

Wood, pile yourselves on the sledge

And tie yourselves with the rope.

Dry your eyes at once and get married!

- I'll dry my eyes, but I won't get married!

How dare you to refuse me, you sassy girl!

My foreign policy requires that you marry this prince.

Love cannot be forced daddy. I love someone else.

Who is this other one!

Confess immediately!

- But I don't know!

Mashka, don't lie!

- I swear I don't know.

Guards! Lock her in the tower until she confesses!

And what do you bring here? - A letter!

A letter? From whom? From the foreign prince.

Open it! Read it to me!

Today, on the territory of your kingdom,

I got assaulted and beaten...

by a subject of your majesty!

So, so ,so!

So because of that I lost half my attractiveness

resulting in that the princess rejected me!

I request you'll punish the assaulter.

and please send me some new face-powder as mine is out.

The foreign prince.

Call my Putin*! * (Once upon a time)General of bureau for intelligence(KGB)

Let the general come to the Tsar!

...general...to the tsar....

Tell me immediately,

who assaulted the foreign prince and beat him up badly?!

- Emelian!

What? Who is that?

He's a local fool.

Here is my royal order:

Bring this fool Emelian at once to my palace!

Or I will have you cut your head off.

One! Two!

One! Two! One! Two! March! March!

Are you Emelian the fool ?!

That's me. What can I do for you?

Put you clothes on, fool,

Put you shoes on, fool

I'll take you to the tsar! - One! Two!

- But I don't want to go.

what?! - I'm too lazy!

And it's freezing outside while here I'm cosy warm

I'll make you go, you bastard! One! Two!

As the pike orders, and as I desire...

Drumsticks, hit the general for a good couple of rounds

To the rescue! To the rescue! to the rescue!

Well, enough for him!

Ach, Ach, here is my order for you!

Bring Emelian the fool to the palace

or I will have your head taken...!

taken...taken off!

One! Two! One! Two! Oi, Oi!

I humbly beg you, Emelian Ivannovich, let us drive to the tsar.

No, I don't want to! I am too lazy!

It's chilly outside, and really cosy warm on the stove.

But Emelian Ivannovich, have mercy on me!

If you will not go, the general will take my drum...

and cut my head off.

- I pity you, drummer,

but I'm not willing to leave my stove.

So...

As the pike orders, and as I desire...

Stove, you take me to the tsar!

Youchei! beware!

- It's her! - It's him!

Is it him? Sje Louis. C'est lui!

It's him!

Well just you wait, villain!

Who gave you the right...

to assault the foreign prince?

and beat him like you did!

And why didn't he go to the side of the road when I shouted "Beware!"?

Ach, you ignorant!

Put him in the tower for his insolence!

But, my tsar, Princess Maria is being hold there!

Mmmm, yes...

Well, how are you holding out there?

Have you changed your mind yet?

I did!

So you will not be resisting?

- I will not.

And you will get married?

I will!

Then here is my command!

Come down and kiss.

Kiss whom, daddy?

Those, whom you love!

Translate for the Foreign Prince.

Princess Maria will come kiss him now.

Alons, on retraite a la maison!* * (Let's go home)

Stop!

o_

come on Knights! - Forward! Forward!

Call the troops to the rescue!

My brave soldiers! Our tsar was insulted!

Let's die for him until the last man. One! Two!

Forward! March!

One! Two! One! Two! One! Two! One! Two! One! Two! One! Two!

Ah, I am doomed!

It's the end of my kingdom!

You will answer for this with your life!

As the pike orders, and as I desire... Stove take me home again.

Where are you running to?

I can't explain because we are in panic. I'm desolated. One. Two. One. Two.

As the pike orders, and as I desire... Cannonballs, fly back!

It's the end of my kingdom!

Don't worry! We'll kick them out now!

As the pike orders, and as I desire...

Victory! Victory! Ask anything you want!

Anything! Do you want to be the prime minister?

- No. I am too lazy to be a minister.

Minister, ..is nothing for me.

So, what do you want then?

- Princess Maria!

Stop! You're forgetting your tsar!

What is this!? Am I tsar or not?!

Oi! Where is my crown? What tsar am I without my crown?

Here it is! Oh, my god! A piece broke of!

The devil may take it! I will buy a cap instead of a crown

and will go travelling abroad.

Thus the tale ended.

Emelian married princess Maria

and became ruler of the kingdom in place of the tsar