All language subtitles for Millionairess 1972 Shaw(1)

ARE YOU JULIUS SAGAMORE,
THE WORTHLESS NEPHEW

OF MY LATE SOLICITOR
PONTIFEX SAGAMORE?

I DO NOT ADVERTISE MYSELF
AS WORTHLESS.

BUT PONTIFEX SAGAMORE
WAS MY UNCLE,

AND I'VE RETURNED
FROM AUSTRALIA

TO SUCCEED TO AS MUCH
OF HIS BUSINESS

AS I CAN PERSUADE
HIS CLIENTS
TO TRUST ME WITH.

I HAVE HEARD HIM
SPEAK OF YOU.

AND I NATURALLY CONCLUDED
THAT AS YOU HAD BEEN

PACKED OFF TO AUSTRALIA,
YOU MUST BE WORTHLESS.

HOWEVER,
IT DOES NOT MATTER

AS MY BUSINESS
IS VERY SIMPLE.

I DESIRE TO MAKE MY WILL

LEAVING EVERYTHING
I POSSESS TO MY HUSBAND.

YOU CAN HARDLY GO WRONG
ABOUT THAT, I SUPPOSE.

I SHALL DO MY BEST.
PRAY, SIT DOWN.

I SHALL SIT DOWN
WHEN I FEEL TIRED.

AS YOU PLEASE.

WELL, BEFORE
I DRAW UP THE WILL,

IT'LL BE NECESSARY
FOR ME TO KNOW

WHO YOUR HUSBAND IS--

MY HUSBAND IS A FOOL
AND A BLACKGUARD.

YOU WILL STATE
THAT FACT IN THE WILL.

YOU WILL ADD
THAT IT WAS HIS CONDUCT

THAT DROVE ME
TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
( sniffs )

BUT YOU'VE NOT
COMMITTED SUICIDE.

I SHALL HAVE
WHEN THE WILL IS SIGNED.

OH, OF COURSE.
QUITE SO.

HOW STUPID OF ME.
AND HIS NAME?

HIS NAME
IS ALASTAIR FITZFASSENDEN.

WHAT, THE AMATEUR
TENNIS CHAMPION
AND HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER?

DO YOU KNOW HIM?

EVERY MORNING,
WE SWIM TOGETHER
AT THE CLUB.

THE ACQUAINTANCE
DOES YOU LITTLE CREDIT.

I HAD BETTER TELL YOU
HE AND I
ARE GREAT FRIENDS,

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

DO NOT CALL ME
BY HIS DETESTABLE NAME.

PUT ME IN YOUR BOOKS
AS EPIFANIA OGNISANTI
DI PARERGA.

OH. I AM INDEED HONORED.
PRAY BE SEATED.

SIT DOWN YOURSELF
AND DON'T FUSS.

YES, IF YOU PREFER IT,
CERTAINLY.

YOUR FATHER WAS A VERY
WONDERFUL MAN, MADAM.

MY FATHER
WAS THE GREATEST MAN

IN THE WORLD.

AND HE DIED A PAUPER.

I SHALL NEVER FORGIVE
THE WORLD FOR THAT.

A PAUPER? YOU AMAZE ME.

IT WAS REPORTED
THAT HE LEFT YOU,

HIS ONLY CHILD,
30 MILLIONS.

WHAT WAS
30 MILLIONS TO HIM?

HE LOST 150 MILLIONS.

HE PROMISED TO LEAVE ME
200 MILLIONS.

I WAS LEFT
WITH A BEGGARLY 30.

THE HUMILIATION OF IT.

STILL, AN INCOME
OF A MILLION AND A HALF.

YOU FORGET
THE DEATH DUTIES.

I HAVE BARELY 700,000
A YEAR.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS TO A WOMAN

BROUGHT UP ON AN INCOME
OF SEVEN FIGURES?

THE HUMILIATION OF IT.

YOU TAKE
MY BREATH AWAY, MADAM.

AS I AM ABOUT
TO TAKE MY OWN BREATH AWAY,

I HAVE NO TIME
TO SPARE FOR YOURS.

THE SUICIDE.
YES, I'D FORGOTTEN THAT.

HAD YOU INDEED?
WOULD YOU PLEASE
PUT YOUR MIND TO IT

FOR A MOMENT
AND MAKE A WILL

FOR ME TO SIGN
LEAVING EVERYTHING
TO ALASTAIR?

TO HUMILIATE HIM?

NO, TO RUIN HIM.
TO DESTROY HIM.

TO MAKE A BEGGAR
ON HORSEBACK

SO THAT HE MAY RIDE
TO THE DEVIL.

MONEY GOES TO HIS HEAD.

I'VE SEEN IT AT WORK
ON HIM.

BUT YOU CAN'T BE SURE.
HE MIGHT MARRY
SOME SENSIBLE WOMAN.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

MAKE IT A CONDITION
OF THE INHERITANCE

THAT WITHIN A MONTH
FROM MY FUNERAL,

HE MARRIES
A LOW FEMALE

NAMED
"POLLY SEEDYSTOCKINGS."

FUNNY NAME.

HER REAL NAME
IS PATRICIA SMITH,

BUT HER LETTERS
TO ALASTAIR

ARE SIGNED
"POLLY SEEDYSTOCKINGS."

AS A HINT, I SUPPOSE,
THAT SHE WANTS HIM

TO BUY HER
ANOTHER DOZEN.

( chuckles )

WELL, I SHALL LIKE
TO KNOW POLLY.
PRAY WHY?

WELL, IF ALASTAIR
PREFERS HER TO YOU,

SHE MUST INDEED
BE WORTH KNOWING.

( chuckles )

I SHALL CERTAINLY
MAKE HIM INTRODUCE ME.

YOU ARE HARDLY TACTFUL,
JULIUS SAGAMORE.

THAT WON'T MATTER
WHEN YOU'VE TAKEN THIS.

WHAT'S THIS?
FOR THE SUICIDE.

YOU HAVE TO SIGN
THE CHEMIST'S BOOK
FOR THE CYANIDE.

SAY
IT'S FOR WASP'S NEST.

THE TARTARIC ACID
IS HARMLESS.

THE CHEMIST WILL THINK
YOU WANT IT
TO MAKE LEMONADE.

YOU PUT THE TWO
SEPARATELY

IN JUST ENOUGH WATER
TO DISSOLVE THEM,

AND WHEN YOU MIX
THE TWO SOLUTIONS,

THE TARTARIC
AND POTASH WILL COMBINE

TO MAKE TARTARATE
OF--OF POTASH.

THIS, BEING INSOLUBLE,
WILL BE PRECIPITATED

TO THE BOTTOM
OF THE GLASS,

AND THE SUPERNATANT FLUID

WILL BE
PURE HYDROCYANIC ACID,

ONE SIP OF WHICH
WILL KILL YOU
LIKE A THUNDERBOLT.

( gasps )

YOU SEEM TO TAKE
MY DEATH

RATHER COOLLY,
MR. SAGAMORE.

I'M USED TO IT.
DO YOU MEAN

YOU HAVE SO MANY CLIENTS
DRIVEN TO DESPAIR

THAT YOU KEEP
A PRESCRIPTION FOR THEM?

I DO. IT'S INFALLIBLE.

AND YOU ARE SURE
THEY'VE ALL DIED

PAINLESSLY
AND INSTANTANEOUSLY?

NO, THEY'RE ALL ALIVE.

ALIVE?

THE PRESCRIPTION'S
A HARMLESS FRAUD.

NO, IT'S A DEADLY POISON,
BUT THEY DON'T TAKE IT.

WHY?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT THEY NEVER DO.

WELL, I WILL.

AND I HOPE
YOU WILL BE HANGED

FOR GIVING IT.

I'M ONLY ACTING
AS YOUR SOLICITOR.

YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING
TO COMMIT SUICIDE

AND YOU COME TO ME
FOR ADVICE.

I DO MY BEST FOR YOU,

SO THAT YOU CAN DIE
WITHOUT WASTING

A LOT OF GAS OR JUMPING
INTO THE SERPENTINE.

SIX AND EIGHTPENCE
I SHALL CHARGE
YOUR EXECUTORS.

WHAT, FOR--
FOR ADVISING ME

HOW TO KILL MYSELF?

NOT TODAY, TOMORROW.

WHY PUT IT OFF
TILL TOMORROW?

WELL, IT'LL DO AS WELL
TOMORROW AS TODAY.

AND SOMETHING AMUSING
MIGHT HAPPEN THIS EVENING.

OR EVEN TOMORROW EVENING.
THERE'S NO HURRY.

YOU ARE A BRUTE,
A BEAST AND A PIG.

YOU DON'T EVEN ASK
WHAT HAS DRIVEN ME
TO DO THIS.

YOU--MY LIFE
MEANS NOTHING TO YOU.

YOU MAKE MONEY
OUT OF THE DEATH
OF YOUR CLIENTS.

I DO. THERE WILL BE
A LOT OF BUSINESS
CONNECTED WITH YOUR DEATH.

ALASTAIR IS SURE TO COME
TO SETTLE YOUR AFFAIRS.

AND DO YOU THINK
I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF

TO MAKE MONEY FOR YOU?

WELL, IT'S YOU
WHO'VE RAISED
MY EXPECTATIONS, MADAM.

OH, GOD,
LISTEN TO THIS MAN.

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU
THAT WHEN A WOMAN'S LIFE

IS WRECKED, SHE NEEDS
A LITTLE SYMPATHY

AND NOT
A BOTTLE OF POISON?

I REALLY CAN'T SYMPATHIZE
WITH SUICIDE.

DOESN'T APPEAL TO ME,
SOMEHOW.

STILL, IF IT HAS TO BE DONE,
IT'D BETTER BE DONE

PROMPTLY
AND SCIENTIFICALLY.

YOU DON'T EVEN ASK
WHAT ALASTAIR
HAS DONE TO ME.

IT WON'T MATTER
WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.
WHY BOTHER ABOUT IT?

YOU ARE AN UNMITIGATED
HOG, JULIUS SAGAMORE.

WHY WORRY ABOUT ME?
THE PRESCRIPTION
WILL CURE EVERYTHING.

DAMN YOUR PRESCRIPTION.
THERE!

( chuckles )

UH, IT'S INFALLIBLE.

WELL, NOW THAT
YOU'VE BLOWN OFF STEAM,

I SUPPOSE YOU WILL SIT DOWN
AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.

YOU CALL THE OUTCRY
OF AN ANGUISHED HEART

BLOWING OFF STEAM,
DO YOU?

WELL, WHAT ELSE
WOULD YOU CALL IT?

YOU ARE NOT A MAN,
YOU ARE A RHINOCEROS.

YOU ARE ALSO A FOOL.

I AM ONLY YOUR SOLICITOR.
YOU ARE A ROTTEN SOLICITOR.

YOU ARE NOT A GENTLEMAN.

YOU INSULT ME
IN MY DISTRESS,

YOU BACK UP MY HUSBAND
AGAINST ME.

YOU HAVE NO DECENCY
AND NO HUMANITY.

( blows her nose )
YOU ARE A FISH

WITH THE SOUL
OF A BLACK BEETLE,
DO YOU HEAR?

OH, YES, I HEAR,
AND I CONGRATULATE MYSELF

ON THE NUMBER OF ACTIONS
FOR LIBEL

I SHALL HAVE TO DEFEND YOU
IF YOU DO ME THE HONOR

OF MAKING ME
YOUR SOLICITOR.

YOU ARE WRONG.
I NEVER UTTER A LIBEL.

MY FATHER INSTRUCTED ME
MOST CAREFULLY

IN THE LAW OF LIBEL.

IF I QUESTIONED
YOUR SOLVENCY,

THAT WOULD BE A LIBEL.

IF I SUGGESTED
THAT YOU ARE UNFAITHFUL

TO YOUR WIFE,
THAT WOULD BE A LIBEL.

BUT IF I SAY
THAT YOU ARE A RHINOCEROS,

WHICH YOU ARE,
A MOST UNMITIGATED
RHINOCEROS,

THAT IS
ONLY VULGAR ABUSE.

I TAKE GOOD CARE
TO CONFINE MYSELF

TO VULGAR ABUSE
AND I HAVE NEVER

HAD AN ACTION FOR LIBEL
TAKEN AGAINST ME.

IS THAT THE LAW
OR IS IT NOT?

UH, I REALLY
DON'T KNOW.

I'LL LOOK IT UP
IN MY BOOKS.
YOU NEED NOT.

I INSTRUCT YOU
THAT IT IS THE LAW.

MY FATHER
HAD TO INSTRUCT

HIS LAWYERS IN LAW.

SOLICITORS
ARE NO GOOD AT LAW.

THEY ARE ONLY GOOD
AT "PRACTICE,"
AS THEY CALL IT.

MY FATHER WAS A GREAT MAN.

EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE
HE DID THINGS

NO ONE ELSE
EVER DREAMT OF DOING.

I MAY NOT PERHAPS
BE A GREAT WOMAN,

BUT I AM HIS DAUGHTER,
AND AS SUCH,

I AM AN UNUSUAL WOMAN.

YOU WILL TAKE THE LAW
FROM ME

AND DO EXACTLY
AS I TELL YOU TO DO.

THAT WILL SIMPLIFY
OUR RELATIONS
CONSIDERABLY, MADAM.

AND REMEMBER--
I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

I WILL NOT BE LAUGHED AT.

I SHOULDN'T DREAM
OF LAUGHING AT A CLIENT

WITH AN INCOME
OF THREE QUARTERS
OF A MILLION.

( chuckles )

HAVE YOU A SENSE OF HUMOR?

UH, I TRY
TO KEEP IT IN CHECK,

BUT I'M AFRAID
I HAVE A LITTLE.

YOU APPEAL TO IT SOMEHOW.
( chuckles )

THEN I TELL YOU
IN COLD BLOOD,

AFTER A CAREFUL
CONSIDERATION OF MY WORDS,

THAT YOU ARE
A HEARTLESS BLACKGUARD.

MY DISTRESS, MY DISGRACE,
MY HUMILIATION,

THE HORRIBLE MESS
AND FAILURE I'VE MADE
OF MY LIFE

SEEM TO YOU MERELY FUNNY.

( chuckles )

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT YOUR DISTRESS,

YOUR DISGRACE, THE MESS
YOU'VE MADE OF YOUR LIFE,

AND ALL THE REST OF IT.

HOW CAN I LAUGH
AT THINGS I DON'T KNOW?

IF I AM LAUGHING,
AND AM I REALLY LAUGHING?

I ASSURE I'M LAUGHING
NOT AT YOUR MISFORTUNES...

BUT AT YOU.

OH, INDEED?

AM I SO COMIC A FIGURE
IN MY MISERY?

BUT WHAT IS YOUR MISERY?
DO, PRAY, SIT DOWN.

YOU SEEM TO HAVE
ONE IDEA IN YOUR HEAD,

AND THAT IS TO GET
YOUR CLIENTS TO SIT DOWN.

( sighs )
OH, VERY WELL.

TO OBLIGE YOU.

( chuckles )
OH!

OH, I CANNOT EVEN
SIT ON A CHAIR

WITHOUT WRECKING IT.

MY LIFE IS CURSED.
( chuckles )

AY, LAUGH, LAUGH,
FOOL. CLOWN.

MY BEST FAKE
HEPPLEWHITE, GONE.

( chuckles )

IT COST ME FOUR GUINEAS.

NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE
SIT DOWN,

AS GENTLY AS YOU CAN,
AND STOP CALLING ME NAMES?

( chuckles )

AND THEN, IF YOU WISH,
YOU CAN TELL ME

WHAT ON EARTH
IS THE MATTER.

( chuckles )

( sighs )

THE WRECKING
OF THAT CHAIR HAS CALMED

AND RELIEVED ME SOMEHOW.

I FEEL AS THOUGH I'D BROKEN
YOUR NECK AS I WANTED.

( chuckles )

NOW, LISTEN TO ME
AND DON'T STAND
OVER ME LIKE THAT.

SIT DOWN ON WHAT IS LEFT
OF YOUR SHAM HEPPLEWHITE.

YES, CERTAINLY, MADAM.

NOW GO AHEAD.

MY FATHER WAS THE GREATEST
MAN IN THE WORLD.

I WAS HIS ONLY CHILD.

HIS ONE DREAD

WAS THAT I SHOULD MAKE
A FOOLISH MARRIAGE

AND LOSE WHAT LITTLE MONEY
HE WAS ABLE TO LEAVE ME.

THE 30 MILLIONS,
PRECISELY.
DON'T INTERRUPT!

HE MADE ME PROMISE

THAT WHENEVER A MAN
ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM,

I WAS TO IMPOSE
A CONDITION ON MY CONSENT.

SO WHAT CONDITION?

I WAS TO GIVE HIM
150 POUNDS

AND TELL HIM
THAT IF WITHIN SIX MONTHS,

HE CHANGED THAT 150 POUNDS
INTO 50,000, I WAS HIS.

IF NOT, I WAS NEVER
TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

I SAW
THE WISDOM OF THIS.

NOBODY BUT MY FATHER
COULD HAVE THOUGHT

OF SUCH A--A REAL,
INFALLIBLE,

UNSENTIMENTAL TEST.

I GAVE HIM
MY SACRED PROMISE

THAT I WOULD CARRY IT OUT
FAITHFULLY.

AND YOU BROKE
THAT PROMISE, I SEE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BROKE THAT PROMISE?

WELL,
YOU MARRIED ALASTAIR.

NOW ALASTAIR
IS A DEAR GOOD FELLOW--

HE'S ONE OF THE BEST
IN HIS WAY--

BUT YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO PERSUADE ME

HE MADE 50,000 POUNDS
IN SIX MONTHS

WITH A CAPITAL
OF 150.

HE DID.

WISE AS MY FATHER WAS,
HE SOMETIMES FORGOT

THE WISE THINGS
HE SAID FIVE MINUTES
AFTER HE'D SAID THEM.

HE WARNED ME THAT 90%
OF OUR SELF-MADE
MILLIONAIRES

ARE CRIMINALS WHO TAKE
A 500 TO 1 CHANCE

AND GET AWAY WITH IT
BY PURE LUCK.

ALASTAIR WAS
THAT SORT OF CRIMINAL.

NO, NO. NOT A CRIMINAL.
THAT'S NOT LIKE ALASTAIR.

HE'S A FOOL,
PERHAPS, IN BUSINESS,

BUT NOT A CRIMINAL.

LIKE ALL SOLICITORS,

YOU THINK YOU KNOW
MY HUSBAND

BETTER THAN I DO.

I TELL YOU,
ALASTAIR CAME BACK

AFTER SIX MONTHS
PROBATION

WITH 50,000 POUNDS
IN HIS POCKET.

INSTEAD
OF THE PENAL SERVITUDE
HE SO RICHLY DESERVED.

THAT MAN'S LUCK
IS EXTRAORDINARY.

HE ALWAYS WINS.

HE WINS AT TENNIS,
HE WINS AT BOXING...

HE WON ME, THE RICHEST
HEIRESS IN ENGLAND.

YOU WERE
A CONSENTING PARTY.

IF NOT, WHY DID YOU PUT HIM
TO THE TEST,

WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM
THE 150 TO TRY HIS LUCK WITH?

BOXING.
BOXING?

YES. YES, HIS BOXING
FASCINATED ME.

MY FATHER ALWAYS HELD
THAT A WOMAN

SHOULD BE ABLE
TO DEFEND HERSELF.

HE MADE ME STUDY JUDO.

JUDO?
DO YOU MEAN HEBREW?

HEBREW? NONSENSE.

JUDO, JUJITSU.

IT'S WHAT COMMON PEOPLE
CALL JUJITSU.

I COULD THROW YOU
THROUGH THAT WINDOW

AS EASILY AS YOU HANDED ME
THAT ROTTEN CHAIR.

JAPANESE WRESTLING?

THAT'S RATHER
A ROUGH SPORT FOR A LADY.

HOW DARE YOU CALL JUDO
A SPORT?

IT'S A RELIGION!

FORGIVE ME.
( chuckles )

UH, GO ON WITH YOUR STORY,
AND PLEASE,

BREAK IT TO ME
AS GENTLY AS YOU CAN.

I'VE NEVER HAD A CLIENT
LIKE YOU BEFORE.

AND YOU NEVER WILL AGAIN.

I DON'T DOUBT IT
FOR A MOMENT.

NOW, TELL ME,
WHERE DOES ALISTAIR
COME IN?

I SAW HIM WIN
AN AMATEUR HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPIONSHIP.

HE HAS
A SOLAR PLEXUS PUNCH

NO OTHER BOXER
CAN WITHSTAND.

YOU MARRIED A MAN
BECAUSE HE HAD

A SUPERLATIVE
SOLAR PLEXUS PUNCH?

WELL, HE WAS HANDSOME.

HE STRIPPED WELL,
UNLIKE MOST HANDSOME MEN.

I'M NOT INSUSCEPTIBLE
TO SEX APPEAL,

VERY FAR FROM IT.

QUITE, QUITE,
YOU NEEDN'T GO INTO DETAILS.

I WILL IF I LIKE.

IT IS YOUR BUSINESS
AS A SOLICITOR

TO KNOW THE DETAILS.

I MADE
A VERY COMMON MISTAKE.

I THOUGHT,
"THIS IRRESISTIBLE ATHLETE

WOULD PROVE
AN ARDENT LOVER."

IT WAS NOTHING
OF THE SORT.

ALL HIS ARDOR
WAS IN HIS FISTS.

NEVER SHALL I
FORGET THE DAY--

IT WAS
DURING OUR HONEYMOON--

WHEN HIS COLDNESS
INFURIATED ME
TO SUCH A DEGREE

THAT I WENT FOR HIM
WITH MY FISTS.

HE KNOCKED ME OUT
WITH THAT ABOMINABLE PUNCH

IN THE FIRST EXCHANGE.

HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN KNOCKED OUT BY A PUNCH
IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS?

NO! THANK HEAVEN.
I'M NOT A PUGILIST.

IT DOES NOT PUT YOU TO SLEEP
LIKE A PUNCH ON THE JAW.

WHEN HE SAW MY FACE
CONTORTED IN AGONY

AND MY BODY
WRITHING ON THE FLOOR,

HE WAS HORRIFIED.

HE SAID
HE DID IT AUTOMATICALLY.

THAT HE ALWAYS COUNTERED
THAT WAY, BY INSTINCT.

I ALMOST RESPECTED HIM
FOR IT.

WHY DO YOU WANT
TO GET RID OF HIM?

I WANT TO GET RID
OF MYSELF,

I WANT TO PUNISH MYSELF

FOR THE HORRIBLE MESS
I'VE MADE OF MY LIFE

AND FOR MARRYING
AN IMBECILE.

AND NOW YOU PUT ME OFF
WITH YOUR FOOLING.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WANT.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE
STATE OF MIND.

I AM A WOMAN
WHO MUST ALWAYS
WANT SOMETHING

AND ALWAYS GET IT.

AN ACQUISITIVE WOMAN.
PRECISELY.

HOW SPLENDID.
( phone rings )

UH, EXCUSE ME.

YES?

OH, ONE MOMENT.
HOLD THE LINE.

YOUR HUSBAND IS OUTSIDE
WITH A WOMAN.

THEY WANT TO SEE ME.

THAT WOMAN!
HAVE THEM IN AT ONCE.

BUT CAN I DEPEND ON YOU
TO CONTROL YOURSELF?

YOU CAN DEPEND
ON ALASTAIR'S FISTS.

I MUST HAVE A LOOK
AT SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

HAVE THEM IN,
I TELL YOU.

SEND MR. FITZFASSENDEN
AND THE LADY IN.

WE SHALL NOW SEE
THE SORT OF WOMAN

FOR WHOM
HE HAS DESERTED ME.

I'M THRILLED. I EXPECT
SOMETHING MARVELOUS.

DON'T BE A FOOL.

EXPECT SOMETHING
UTTERLY COMMON.

EPPY! WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME?

INTRODUCE THE FEMALE.

PATRICIA SMITH IS MY NAME,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU SIGN
YOUR LETTERS, I BELIEVE.

NOW, DON'T BEGIN
MAKING A ROW, EPPY.

I WAS NOT SPEAKING
TO YOU.

I WAS SPEAKING
TO THE WOMAN.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO CALL HER A WOMAN.

NOW, NOW, ALLY,
YOU PROMISED ME.

PROMISED YOU?

HOW DARE HE PROMISE YOU?

WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU
TO PROMISE YOU?

HOW DARE YOU
MAKE HIM PROMISE?

I WON'T HAVE
POLLY INSULTED.

YOU DON'T MIND,
MISS SMITH, DO YOU?

NO, I DON'T MIND.

MY SISTER GOES ON
JUST LIKE THAT.

( giggles )

YOUR SISTER!

YOU PRESUME TO COMPARE
YOUR SISTER TO ME?

ONLY WHEN SHE GOES OFF
AT THE DEEP END.

YOU MUSTN'T MIND ME.

THERE'S NOTHING
LIKE LETTING YOURSELF GO

IF YOU ARE BUILT THAT WAY.

INTRODUCE ME
TO THE GENTLEMAN, ALLY.

YES, OF COURSE.
I FORGOT.

MR. JULIUS SAGAMORE,
MY SOLICITOR. AN OLD PAL.

MISS SMITH.

ALIAS POLLY
SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

THAT'S ONLY A PET NAME,
MR. SAGAMORE.

SMITH IS THE PATRONYMIC,

AS DEAR
WISE OLD FATHER SAID.

SHE SETS UP
A WISE FATHER.

THIS IS
THE LAST STRAW!

DO SIT DOWN,
MISS SMITH, WON'T YOU?

HELLO. WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THE CHAIR?

I HAVE HAPPENED
TO THE CHAIR.

LET IT BE
A WARNING TO YOU.

( clears his throat )

AH. MR. SAGAMORE,
IT'S LIKE THIS: ALASTAIR--

YOU NEED NOT EXPLAIN.

I HAVE EXPLAINED
EVERYTHING TO MR. SAGAMORE.

AND WILL YOU PLEASE
HAVE THE DECENCY

IN HIS PRESENCE
AND IN MINE

TO REFER TO MY HUSBAND
AS MR. FITZFASSENDEN?

HIS CHRISTIAN NAME
IS NO CONCERN OF YOURS.

Alastair: IF YOU WON'T
LET ANYONE SPEAK--

I AM NOT PREVENTING
YOU NOR ANYBODY
FROM SPEAKING.

IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF,
SAY IT.

I AM SORRY, BUT IT'S
SUCH A LONG NAME.

IN MY LITTLE CIRCLE,
WE CALL HIM JUST "ALLY."

DO HEAR THAT,
MR. SAGAMORE.

MY HUSBAND
IS CALLED "ALLY"

BY THESE THIRD-RATE
PEOPLE.

WHAT RIGHT HAVE THEY
TO SPEAK OF HIM AT ALL?

AM I TO ENDURE THIS?

WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO PUT UP
WITH A LOT, DEARY.

"DEARY"?

BUT THAT'S
WHAT THE WORLD IS LIKE.

THE WORLD IS LIKE THAT
TO PEOPLE
WHO ARE LIKE THAT.

MY WORLD
IS NOT YOUR WORLD.

EVERY WOMAN
HAS HER OWN WORLD

WITHIN HER OWN SOUL.

MR. SAGAMORE,
I MARRIED THIS MAN.

I ADMITTED HIM
TO MY WORLD,

THE WORLD MY IMAGINATION
HAD PEOPLE

WITH HEROES AND SAINTS.

NEVER BEFORE HAD A REAL MAN
BEEN PERMITTED TO ENTER IT.

I TOOK HIM TO BE HERO,
SAINT, LOVER.

ALL IN ONE.

WHAT HE REALLY WAS
YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF.

I WON'T STAND
FOR THIS!
YES, GO AHEAD.

STRIKE ME.

SHOW HER
YOUR KNOCK-OUT PUNCH.

LET HER SEE
HOW YOU TREAT WOMEN.

OH, DAMN!

OH, DON'T GET
RATTLED, ALLY.

YOU WILL ONLY
PUT YOURSELF
IN THE WRONG

BEFORE MR. SAGAMORE.

I THINK YOU'D BETTER
GO HOME

AND LET ME
HAVE IT OUT WITH HER.

WOULD YOU HAVE
THE GOODNESS

NOT TO SPEAK OF ME
AS "HER"?

MY NAME IS
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

I AM NOT A PRONOUN.

SORRY, BUT YOUR NAME
IS SUCH A TONGUE TWISTER.

MR. SAGAMORE,
DON'T YOU THINK ALLY
HAD BETTER GO?

IT'S NOT RIGHT
THAT WE SHOULD ARGUE

ABOUT HIM TO HIS FACE.

BESIDES, HE'S WORN OUT.

HE'S HARDLY SLEPT
ALL NIGHT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT,
PRAY?

NEVER MIND HOW I KNOW IT.
I DO.

IT WAS INNOCENT.

WHERE WAS I TO GO
AFTER YOU'D DRIVEN ME

OUT OF THE HOUSE
WITH YOUR TANTRUMS?

YOU--YOU WENT TO HER!

I WENT TO MISS SMITH.

SHE'S NOT A PRONOUN,
YOU KNOW.

I WENT TO WHERE I COULD FIND
PEACE AND KINDNESS.
( laughs )

TO MY GOOD SWEET
DARLING POLLY.

SO THERE.
( laughs )

WELL, I HAVE
NO SENSE OF HUMOR,

BUT THIS STRIKES ME
AS IRRESISTIBLY FUNNY.

YOU MEAN YOU--

YOU ACTUALLY LEFT ME
TO SPEND THE NIGHT

IN THE ARMS
OF SEEDYSTOCKINGS?

NO, I TELL YOU
IT WAS INNOCENT.

WAS HE IN YOUR ARMS
OR WAS HE NOT?

WELL, YES, OF COURSE
HE WAS FOR A WHILE,

BUT NOT IN THE WAY
YOU MEAN.

( laughs )

THEN HE IS EVEN
A MORE SEXLESS FISH

THAN I TOOK HIM FOR.
( laughs )

BUT, REALLY, A MAN
CAPABLE OF FLOUNCING

OUT OF THE HOUSE
WHEN I WAS ON THE POINT

OF PARDONING HIM
AND GIVING HIM A NIGHT

OF LEGITIMATE BLISS
IS CAPABLE

OF ANY IMBECILITY.

PARDONING ME?

PARDONING ME FOR WHAT?

WHAT HAD I DONE
WHEN YOU FLEW OUT AT ME?

I DID NOT
FLY OUT AT YOU.

I'VE NEVER
LOST MY DIGNITY

EVEN UNDER THE MOST
INSUFFERABLE WRONGS.

YOU HADN'T ANY WRONGS.
YOU DROVE ME
OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I DID NOT.
I NEVER MEANT YOU TO GO.

IT WAS ABOMINABLY
SELFISH OF YOU.

YOU HAD YOUR
SEEDYSTOCKINGS TO GO TO,

I HAD NOBODY.
ADRIAN WAS OUT OF TOWN.

ADRIAN? THIS IS
A NEW COMPLICATION.

WHO'S ADRIAN?

ADRIAN IS
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN'S
SUNDAY HUSBAND,

MR. SAGAMORE.

MY WHAT, DID YOU SAY?

YOUR SUNDAY HUSBAND.
YOU UNDERSTAND.

WHAT ADRIAN BLENDERBLAND
IS TO YOU

AS IT WERE
WHAT ALLY IS TO ME.

I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW.

WHAT IS
MR. BLENDERBLAND TO YOU,

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN,
IF I MAY ASK?

WELL, HE IS A GENTLEMEN
WITH WHOM I DISCUSS...

SUBJECTS WHICH ARE BEYOND
MY HUSBAND'S MENTAL GRASP,

WHICH IS EXTREMELY LIMITED.

HE'S A CHAP

WHO SETS HIMSELF UP
TO BE AN INTELLECTUAL

BECAUSE HIS FATHER
WAS A PUBLISHER.

HE MAKES UP TO EPPY
AND PRETENDS

THAT HE'S IN LOVE
WITH HER

BECAUSE SHE HAS
A GOOD COOK.

I TELL HER
THAT HE CARES FOR NOTHING

BUT HIS FOOD.

HE ALWAYS CALLS
AT MEALTIME.

A BELLYGOD I CALL HIM.

AND I AM EXPECTED
TO PUT UP WITH THIS?

AND IF I SO MUCH
AS LOOK AT POLLY,
OH, MY!

THE CASES
ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

ADRIAN WORSHIPS
THE GROUND I TREAD ON.

BUT IF YOU THINK
SEEDYSTOCKINGS WORSHIPS
THE GROUND YOU TREAD ON,

YOU FLATTER
YOURSELF GROSSLY.

SHE ENDURES YOU
AND PETS YOU

BECAUSE
YOU BUY HER STOCKINGS

AND ANYTHING ELSE
SHE MAY BE SHORT OF.

WELL, I NEVER
CONTRADICT ANYONE

BECAUSE
IT ONLY MAKES TROUBLE.

AND I AM AFRAID
I DO COST HIM A GOOD DEAL

'CAUSE HE LIKES ME
TO HAVE NICE THINGS
I CAN'T AFFORD.

NO, DARLING.

NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU ARE AS GOOD
AS GOLD.

I'M ALWAYS
PRESSING THINGS ON YOU

THAT YOU WON'T TAKE.

AND YOU ARE A JOLLY
SIGHT MORE CAREFUL

WITH MY MONEY
THAN I AM MYSELF.

HOW TOUCHING.

YOU ARE
THE SUNDAY WIFE,
I SUPPOSE?

NO, I SHOULD SAY
THAT YOU ARE THE SUNDAY WIFE,

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

IT'S I THAT HAVE
TO LOOK AFTER HIS CLOTHES

AND MAKE HIM GET
HIS HAIR CUT.

SURELY THE CREATURE'S
INTELLIGENT ENOUGH

TO DO THAT FOR HIMSELF.

Patricia: YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN.

THEY GET INTERESTED
IN OTHER THINGS

AND NEGLECT THEMSELVES

UNLESS THEY HAVE A WOMAN
TO LOOK AFTER THEM.

YOU SEE, MR. SAGAMORE.

IT'S LIKE THIS--

THERE ARE TWO SORTS
OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD:

THE PEOPLE THAT ANYONE
CAN LIVE WITH,

AND THE PEOPLE
THAT NO ONE CAN LIVE WITH.

THE PEOPLE THAT NO ONE
CAN LIVE WITH

MAY BE VERY GOOD-LOOKING
AND SPLENDID

AND TEMPERAMENTAL
AND ROMANTIC AND ALL THAT,

AND THEY CAN MAKE A MAN
OR A WOMAN HAPPY

FOR...HALF AN HOUR
IF THEY ARE PLEASED
WITH THEMSELVES

AND DISPOSED
TO BE AGREEABLE,

BUT IF YOU TRY
TO LIVE WITH THEM,

THEY EAT UP YOUR WHOLE LIFE
RUNNING AFTER THEM

OR QUARRELLING
OR ATTENDING TO THEM

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

YOU CAN'T CALL
YOUR SOUL YOUR OWN.

AS SUNDAY HUSBANDS
OR WIVES

TO HAVE A GOOD
TEARING BIT
OF LOVEMAKING WITH,

OR A BLAZING ROW,
OR MOSTLY ONE
ON TOP OF THE OTHER

ONCE A MONTH OR SO,
THEY'RE ALL RIGHT.

BUT AS REGULAR PARTNERS
THEY'RE JUST IMPOSSIBLE.

YEAH,
SO I AM THE SUNDAY WIFE.

AND WHAT, PRAY, ARE YOU?

OH, I AM THE ANGEL
OF THE HOUSE,
IF YOU FOLLOW ME.

YOU ARE, DEAR.
YOU ARE.

YOU ARE HIS DOORMAT,
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

A DOORMAT'S
A VERY USEFUL THING

IF YOU WANT THE HOUSE
KEPT TIDY, DEAR.

( phone rings )

EXCUSE ME.

YES?

DID YOU SAY
BLENDERBLAND?

ADRIAN!

HOW DID HE KNOW
I WAS HERE?

WILL YOU ASK
THE GENTLEMAN TO WAIT?

PERHAPS YOU'LL TELL ME
SOMETHING ABOUT HIM, MRS--

IS HE THE CHAIRMAN
OF BLENDERBLAND'S
LITERARY PENNYWORTHS?

OH, NO, NO.
THAT IS HIS FATHER,

WHO CREATED
THE BUSINESS.

ADRIAN
IS ON THE BOARD,

BUT HE HAS
NO BUSINESS ABILITY.

HE'S ON 15 BOARDS
OF DIRECTORS

ON THE STRENGTH
OF HIS FATHER'S
REPUTATION

AND HAS NEVER,
AS FAR AS I KNOW,

CONTRIBUTED AN IDEA
TO ANY OF THEM.

UH...BE FAIR
TO HIM, EPPY.

I MEAN,
NO ONE IN LONDON

KNOWS HOW TO ORDER
DINNER BETTER.

I MEAN, THIS IS
WHAT KEEPS HIM

AT THE TOP
IN THE CITY.

I THINK I HAVE
HIS MEASURE SUFFICIENTLY.

SHALL I HAVE HIM IN?

CERTAINLY.
I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT HE'S DOING HERE.

I DON'T MIND.

YOU UNDERSTAND, OF COURSE,
THAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED

TO KNOW ANYTHING
OF HIS RELATIONS
WITH MY WIFE,

WHATEVER THEY MAY BE.

THEY ARE
COMPLETELY INNOCENT...

SO FAR.

I AM NOT QUITE CONVINCED
THAT I LOVE ADRIAN.

HE MAKES HIMSELF
AGREEABLE TO ME,
THAT IS ALL.

Sagamore: WILL YOU SEND
MR. BLENDERBLAND IN, PLEASE?

YOU WILL NOW SEE
THE BLIGHTER

WHO HAS
CUT ME OUT WITH EPPY.

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANY MAN
CUTTING YOU OUT

WITH ANY WOMAN, DEAR.

WO-WOULD YOU
BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO RESTRAIN

YOUR--YOUR ENDEARMENTS
WHEN HE COMES IN?

HELLO. WHERE
HAVE WE ALL COME FROM?

( chuckles )

GOOD MORNING,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

MMM.

HOW DO, ALASTAIR?

UH.

MR. SAGAMORE,
I PRESUME,

I DID NOT KNOW
YOU WERE ENGAGED.

YOUR ARRIVAL
IS QUITE OPPORTUNE, SIR.

WILL YOU HAVE
THE GOODNESS TO SIT DOWN?

THANK YOU.

I HOPE I'M NOT
INTERRUPTING
THIS LADY.

OH, NOT AT ALL.
DON'T MIND ME.

Sagamore: MISS SMITH,
AN INTIMATE FRIEND

OF MR. FITZFASSENDEN.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU,
I'M SURE.
( chuckles )

THE FACT IS,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN

MENTIONED YOUR NAME
TO ME IN CONVERSATION

AS HER CHOICE
OF A NEW SOLICITOR,

SO I THOUGHT I COULD NOT
PLACE MYSELF

IN BETTER HANDS.
( chuckles )

THANK YOU, SIR.

UH, BUT, EXCUSE ME.

HAD YOU NOT
A SOLICITOR OF YOUR OWN?

OH, MY DEAR, MR. SAGAMORE,
NEVER BE CONTENT

WITH A SINGLE OPINION.

WHEN I FEEL ILL,
I ALWAYS CONSULT

AT LEAST
HALF A DOZEN DOCTORS.

THE VARIETY OF THEIR ADVICE
AND PRESCRIPTIONS

CONVINCES ME THAT
I'D BETTER CURE MYSELF.

( Patricia
and Adrian laugh )

Adrian: WHEN
A LEGAL POINT ARISES,

I ALWAYS CONSULT
SIX SOLICITORS

WITH MUCH
THE SAME RESULT.
ADRIAN!

YOU KNOW
I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR

AND YOU KNOW
IT ANNOYS ME

WHEN YOU TALK
THE SORT OF NONSENSE

THAT IS SUPPOSED
TO BE FUNNY.

DID YOU COME HERE
TO CONSULT
MR. SAGAMORE ABOUT ME?

I DID, BUT OF COURSE
I EXPECTED
TO FIND HIM ALONE.

OH, AND HERE WE ARE,
THE WHOLE CABOODLE.

I WAS SPEAKING
TO MR. BLENDERBLAND.

I WAS NOT SPEAKING
TO YOU.

AND I'M NOT A MEMBER
OF YOUR CABOODLE,

AS YOU CALL IT.

SORRY, DEAR.

JUST A REMINDER
I WAS STILL LISTENING.

HAS THE MATTER
ON WHICH YOU WISH
TO CONSULT ME

ANY REFERENCE
TO MR. FITZFASSENDEN'S
FAMILY CIRCLE?

IT HAS.
YES.

AND IS IT OF SUCH A NATURE
THAT SOONER OR LATER

IT'LL HAVE TO BE DISCUSSED

AMONGST ALL THE ADULT
MEMBERS OF THAT CIRCLE?

WELL, YES,
I SUPPOSE SO.

BUT HADN'T WE BETTER
TALK ABOUT IT

A LITTLE
IN PRIVATE FIRST?

Epifania: YOU SHALL DO
NO SUCH THING.

I WILL NOT HAVE MY AFFAIRS

DISCUSSED IN PRIVATE
OR IN PUBLIC.

THEY CONCERN MYSELF ALONE.

MAY I NOT DISCUSS
MY OWN AFFAIRS?

NOT WITH MY SOLICITOR!
I WILL NOT HAVE IT.

SHE IS OFF
IN THE DEEP END AGAIN.

WE MAY AS WELL GO HOME.

THE DEEP END,
THE DEEP END.

WHAT IS LIFE
IF IT IS NOT TO BE LIVED

OH, ALASTAIR!
YOU ARE A TADPOLE!

OH, DON'T DO THAT.

SMOOTH IT FOR HIM,
ANGEL OF THE HOUSE.

YOU SHOULDN'T
MAKE A SIGHT
OF HIM LIKE THAT.

MR. FITZFASSENDEN,
WHY DID YOU MARRY
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN?

WHY? DOES THAT REQUIRE
ANY EXPLANATION?

I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU
WHY I MARRIED HIM.

ALTHOUGH
YOU MAY NOT THINK IT,

SHE CAN BE FRIGHTFULLY
FASCINATING

WHEN SHE REALLY
WANTS TO BE.

WHY MIGHT HE
NOT THINK IT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, HE KNOWS
WHAT I MEAN.

OH, IT'S SOME
SILLY JOKE, I SUPPOSE.

DON'T BE ABSURD,
FITZFASSENDEN.

YOUR WIFE
IS THE MOST ADORABLE
WOMAN ON EARTH.

NOT HERE, ADRIAN.

IF YOU ARE GOING
TO TALK LIKE THAT,

LET'S GO SOMEWHERE
WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
DO BEFORE YOU DRIVE
US ALL CRAZY.

STEADY! STEADY!
I HARDLY KNOW WHERE I AM.

YOU ARE ALL CONSULTING ME,
BUT NONE OF YOU

HAS GIVEN ME
ANY INSTRUCTIONS.

( chuckles )

HADN'T YOU BETTER
ALL BE DIVORCED?

WHAT IS THE CREATURE
TO LIVE ON?

HE HAS NOTHING.

HE WOULD HAVE HAD
TO BECOME

A PROFESSIONAL BOXER
OR TENNIS PLAYER,

IF HIS UNCLE
HAD NOT PUSHED HIM

INTO
AN INSURANCE BUSINESS,

WHERE HE WAS
PERFECTLY USELESS.

I DON'T THINK
MR. SAGAMORE
WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.

HE DOES.
HE SHALL. BE SILENT.

MR. SAGAMORE,
WHEN ALASTAIR
PROPOSED TO ME,

HE WAS TOO GREAT
AN IDIOT

TO COMPREHEND
HIS OWN AUDACITY.

I KEPT
MY FATHER'S PROMISE.

I GAVE HIM A CHECK
FOR 150 POUNDS.

"TURN THIS INTO 50,000
WITHIN SIX MONTHS," I SAID,

"AND I AM YOURS."

YOU NEVER
TOLD ME THIS.

WHY SHOULD I?
IT IS A REVOLTING STORY.

WHAT'S REVOLTING
ABOUT IT?

DID I MAKE GOOD
OR DID I NOT?

DID I RISK HELL
TO GET THE MONEY

AND WIN YOUR HAND
OR DID I NOT?

DO I UNDERSTAND
YOU TO SAY, ALASTAIR,

THAT YOU MADE
50,000 POUNDS
IN SIX MONTHS?

WHY NOT?

YOU MAY WELL LOOK
INCREDULOUS,
ADRIAN, BUT HE DID.

THIS IMBECILE
MADE 50,000 POUNDS

AND WON EPIFANIA OGNISANTI
DI PARERGA FOR HIS BRIDE.

I KEPT MY WORD
AND MARRIED HIM INSTANTLY.

THEN, TOO LATE,
I DISCOVERED
HOW HE HAD MADE IT.

WELL, HOW DID I MAKE IT?
BY MY OWN BRAINS.

BRAINS!
BY YOUR OWN FOLLY!

YOUR OWN IGNORANCE
AND YOUR CRIMINAL
INSTINCTS

AND THE LUCK
THAT ATTENDS
THE HALF-WITTED.

WHAT YOU DESERVED
WAS FIVE YEARS
PENAL SERVITUDE.

FIVE YEARS!
FIFTEEN, MORE LIKELY.

THAT WAS WHAT I RISKED
FOR YOU.

LIVING WITH YOU WAS FAR WORSE
THAN ANY PENAL SERVITUDE.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
HEAVEN FOR YOU

IF NATURE
HAD EQUIPPED YOU

FOR SUCH A COMPANIONSHIP
AS MINE.

BUT WHAT WAS IT FOR ME?

NO MAN HAD EVER BEEN
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

I WAS LIKE A PRINCESS
IN A FAIRY TALE

OFFERING MY HAND
AND FORTUNE

TO ANY MAN WHO COULD
TURN MY 150 POUNDS
INTO 50,000

WITHIN SIX MONTHS.

ABLE MEN,
BRILLIANT MEN,

YOUNGER SONS
OF THE NOBLEST FAMILIES

EITHER REFUSED
OR FAILED THE TEST. WHY?

BECAUSE THEY WERE
TOO HONEST OR TOO PROUD.

THIS THING SUCCEEDED.

AND I FOUND MYSELF
TIED FOR LIFE TO AN INSECT.

YOU MAY SAY
WHAT YOU LIKE,

BUT YOU WERE
JUST AS MUCH

IN LOVE WITH ME
AS I WAS WITH YOU.

WELL, YOU WERE YOUNG,
YOU WERE SHAPED WELL,

YOUR LAWN TENNIS
WAS OUTSTANDING,

YOU WERE
A MAGNIFICENT BOXER.

I WAS ATTRACTED
BY PHYSICAL CONTACT
WITH YOU.

IS IT NECESSARY
TO BE SO VERY EXPLICIT,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN?

JULIUS SAGAMORE,
YOU MAY BE MADE OF SAWDUST.

I AM MADE
OF FLESH AND BLOOD.

ALASTAIR
IS PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE.

THAT IS MY SOLE EXCUSE
FOR HAVING MARRIED HIM.

HAVE YOU FACE TO PRETEND
HE HAS ANY MENTAL CHARM?

BUT HOW DID HE MAKE
THE 50,000 POUNDS?

WAS IT
ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE?

NONSENSE.
THE CREATURE DOESN'T KNOW

THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A CUMULATIVE
PREFERENCE

AND A DEFERRED ORDINARY.

HE WOULDN'T KNOW
HOW TO BEGIN.

BUT HOW DID HE BEGIN?

MY BANK BALANCE
IS AT PRESENT ABOUT A 150.

I SHOULD VERY MUCH
LIKE TO KNOW

HOW TO MAKE IT UP
TO 50,000.

YOU ARE SO RICH, EPIFANIA,
THAT YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW A MAN
TO WHOM 100 POUNDS
IS A CONSIDERABLE SUM

FEELS IN THE ARMS
OF A WOMAN TO WHOM A MILLION

IS MERE PIN MONEY.

YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW IT FEELS TO BE A WOMAN

IN THE ARMS OF A MAN
AND KNOW

THAT YOU COULD BUY HIM
20 TIMES OVER

AND NOT MISS THE PRICE.

IF I GIVE YOU MY 150 POUNDS,
WILL YOU INVEST IT FOR ME?

IT IS NOT WORTH INVESTING.

YOU CANNOT MAKE MONEY
ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE

UNTIL YOUR WEEKLY ACCOUNT
IS AT LEAST 70,000.

DO NOT MEDDLE
WITH MONEY, ADRIAN.

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT.

I WILL GIVE YOU
ALL YOU NEED.

NO, THANK YOU.
I SHOULD LOSE
MY SELF-RESPECT.

I PREFER
THE POOR MAN'S LUXURY

OF PAYING FOR YOUR CABS
AND FLOWERS

AND THEATER TICKETS
AND LUNCHES AT THE RITZ

AND ALL THE LITTLE SUMS
YOU HAVE OCCASION FOR

WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER.

( giggling )
IT IS QUITE TRUE.

I NEVER CARRY
POCKET MONEY ABOUT ME.

I MUST OWE YOU MILLIONS
IN ODD 5-POUND NOTES.

I WILL TELL MY BANKERS
THAT YOU WANT 1,000 ON ACCOUNT.

BUT I DON'T.
I LOVE LENDING YOU FIVERS.

ONLY, AS THEY RUN
THROUGH MY COMPARATIVELY
SLENDER MEANS

AT AN APPALLING RATE,
I SHOULD HONESTLY LIKE
A FEW LESSONS

FROM ALASTAIR
IN THE ART OF TURNING

HUNDREDS
INTO TENS OF THOUSANDS.

HIS EXAMPLE WOULD BE
USELESS TO YOU, ADRIAN,

BECAUSE ALASTAIR IS ONE
OF NATURE'S MARVELS,

AND THERE IS NOTHING
MARVELOUS ABOUT YOU
EXCEPT YOUR APPETITE.

DO EXPLAIN HOW ALASTAIR
MADE THE 50,000 POUNDS.

I LEAVE HIM TO TELL
THAT DISGRACEFUL TALE
HIMSELF.

I BELIEVE
HE IS PROUD OF IT.

WELL, IT WORKED OUT
ALL RIGHT.

BUT IT WAS A NEAR THING,
I CAN TELL YOU.

WHAT I DID WAS THIS--

I MET AN AMERICAN
AND I TOLD HIM

THAT I WAS CRAZY
ABOUT A WOMAN
WHO WOULDN'T MARRY ME

UNLESS I MADE 50,000
IN SIX MONTHS,

AND I HAD ONLY A 150 POUNDS
IN ALL THE WORLD.

HE JUMPED UP AND SAID,

( with American accent )
"WHY, MAN ALIVE,

IF YOU'VE GOT 150 POUNDS,
YOU CAN OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT

AND GET A CHECKBOOK."

I SAID, "WELL, WHAT GOOD
IS A CHECKBOOK?"

HE SAID, "ARE WE PARTNERS,
FIFTY-FIFTY?"

AND I SAID--
I SAID "YES," YOU KNOW.

I MEAN,
WHAT ELSE COULD I SAY?

THAT VERY DAY
WE STARTED IN.

WE LODGED THE MONEY,

AND WE TOOK OUT A BOOK
OF 150 CHECKS.

WE TOOK A THEATER.

WE ENGAGED
A FIRST-RATE COMPANY.

WE GOT A PLAY.
WE HAD A SPLENDID PRODUCTION.

THE GIRLS WERE LOVELY,
THE SCENERY WAS LOVELY.

THE PRINCIPAL WOMAN
WAS AN ANGRY-EYED CREATURE

WITH A QUEER FOREIGN VOICE
AND A HOLLYWOOD ACCENT--

JUST THE SORT
THE PUBLIC ADORES.
( chuckles )

WE NEVER ASKED THE PRICE
OF ANYTHING.

WE JUST WENT IN
UP TO OUR NECKS

FOR THOUSANDS
AND THOUSANDS.

BUT HOW DID YOU PAY
FOR ALL THESE THINGS?

WITH OUR CHECKS.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU
WE HAD A CHECKBOOK?

BUT WHEN THE 150 POUNDS
WAS GONE,

THE CHECKS MUST HAVE BEEN
DISHONORED.

NOT ONE OF THEM.

WE KITED THEM ALL.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DOES "KITING" MEAN?

IT IS QUITE SIMPLE.

YOU PAY FOR SOMETHING
WITH A CHECK

AFTER THE BANKS
HAVE CLOSED FOR THE DAY.

IF IT'S ON SATURDAY
OR JUST BEFORE
A BANK HOLIDAY,

ALL THE BETTER.

NOW, SAY THE CHECK
IS FOR 100 POUNDS

AND YOU HAVE NOT
A PENNY AT THE BANK.

YOU MUST THEN INDUCE
A FRIEND OR A HOTEL MANAGER

TO CASH ANOTHER CHECK
FOR 100 POUNDS FOR YOU.

THAT PROVIDES
FOR THE PREVIOUS CHECK.

BUT IT OBLIGES YOU,
ON PAIN OF 18 MONTHS
HARD LABOR,

TO INDUCE ANOTHER FRIEND
OR HOTEL MANAGER

TO CASH ANOTHER CHECK
FOR YOU FOR 200 POUNDS.

AND--AND SO YOU--
SO YOU GO ON SPENDING

AND KITING FROM HUNDREDS
TO THOUSANDS

AND FROM RISKS OF 18 MONTHS
IMPRISONMENT TO 5 YEARS,

10 YEARS, OR 14 YEARS EVEN.

AND IF YOU THINK
THAT'S AN EASY JOB,

JUST TRY IT FOR YOURSELF,
THAT'S ALL.

I--I--I DREAM
ABOUT IT SOMETIMES.

IT'S MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

WHY, MY PARTNER AND I,
WE NEVER SAW THAT PLAY,

WE NEVER SAW THAT THEATER.

UP TO THE FIRST NIGHT,
WE WERE SIGNING CHECKS

AND KITING THEM
ALL THE TIME.

WELL, OF COURSE,
IT BECAME EASIER
AFTER A WHILE

BECAUSE AS WE BEGAN
TO PAY OUR WAY ALL RIGHT,

WE FOUND IT EASIER
TO GET CREDIT,

AND THE BIGGEST EXPENSES
DIDN'T COME IN

UNTIL AFTER THE PLAY
WAS PRODUCED

AND THE MONEY
STARTED TO COME IN.

I COULD HAVE DONE IT
FOR HALF THE AMOUNT,

BUT THE AMERICAN...
THE AMERICAN, HE...

HE COULDN'T KEEP HIMSELF UP
WITH THE EXCITEMENT OF IT

UNLESS WE PAID TWICE
AS MUCH AS WE NEEDED
FOR EVERYTHING.

BUT IT DIDN'T
REALLY MATTER.

ONCE THAT MONEY
STARTED TO COME IN.

AND MY, OH, MY!

DID IT COME IN!

THE WHOLE TOWN WENT MAD
ABOUT THE ANGRY-EYED WOMAN.

IT RAINED MONEY
IN BUCKETSFUL.

IT WENT TO MY HEAD
LIKE DRINK.

IT WENT
TO THE AMERICAN'S HEAD.

IT WENT TO THE HEAD
OF THE AMERICAN'S
AMERICAN FRIENDS.

WE BOUGHT THE RIGHTS.
( chuckles )

WE BOUGHT THE FILM RIGHTS,
THE TOURING RIGHTS,

THE--THE TRANSLATION
RIGHTS, THE--

ALL SORTS OF RIGHTS
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED,

AND THEY SOLD THEM OFF
TO ONE ANOTHER

SO THAT EVERYONE
IN NEW YORK

AND IN HOLLYWOOD
AND IN LONDON,

THEY ALL HAD
A RAKE-OFF ON THEM.

BUT I ONLY WANTED
50,000 POUNDS,

AND SO I CLEARED OUT
WITH THAT,

AND I WENT SWANKING
BACK TO CLAIM EPPY'S HAND,

AND SHE THOUGHT
I WAS GREAT.

AND I WAS GREAT,
THE MONEY MADE ME GREAT.

I TELL YOU
I WAS DRUNK WITH IT.

I WAS ANOTHER MAN.

AND YOU CAN BELIEVE IT
OR NOT, AS YOU WISH,

BUT MY HATS WERE REALLY
TOO SMALL FOR ME.

IT IS QUITE TRUE.

THE CREATURE
WAS QUITE TRANSFIGURED.

I, POOR INNOCENT,
HAD NO SUSPICION

THAT MONEY COULD WORK
SUCH MIRACLES,

FOR I HAD POSSESSED
MILLIONS FROM MY CRADLE

AND IT MEANT NO MORE
TO ME THAN THE AIR
I BREATHED.

BUT JUST NOW,
WHEN I SUGGESTED A DIVORCE,

YOU ASKED
HOW HE WAS TO LIVE.

WHAT HAS BECOME
OF THE 50,000 POUNDS?

HE BOUGHT A CIRCUS
WITH IT.

HE THOUGHT EVERYTHING
HE TOUCHED
WOULD TURN TO GOLD.

THREE WEEKS LATER,
I HAD TO LIQUIDATE
THAT CIRCUS.

HE WAS ABOUT TO TURN
THE WILD BEASTS LOOSE

AND RUN AWAY
WHEN I INTERVENED.

I WAS DOWN 430 POUNDS

16 AND 7 PENCE
BY THE TRANSACTION.

WAS IT MY FAULT?

THE ELEPHANT
GOT INFLUENZA.

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH
CLOSED US DOWN

AND WOULDN'T
LET ME MOVE ON

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT
THE ANIMALS

WOULD CARRY
FOOT-AND-MOUTH DISEASE.

AT ALL EVENTS,
INSTEAD BEING 50,000
TO THE GOOD,

I WAS 430 TO THE BAD.

AND NOW ALASTAIR
HAS THE AUDACITY
TO ASK ME FOR A DIVORCE.

NO, I DON'T.

IT WAS SAGAMORE
WHO SUGGESTED THAT.

HOW CAN I AFFORD
TO LET YOU DIVORCE ME?

AS YOUR HUSBAND,

I ENJOY A GOOD DEAL
OF SOCIAL CONSIDERATION,

AND THE TRADESMEN
GIVE ME UNLIMITED CREDIT.

YES, FOR STOCKINGS,
AMONG OTHER THINGS.

ALLY, DOES SHE PAY
FOR THEM?

NEVER MIND, DEAR.

LOOK, I HAVE SHOWN
THAT I CAN MAKE MONEY

WHEN I AM PUT TO IT.

I WILL MAKE MONEY AGAIN,
AND I WILL BUY YOU

ALL THE SILK STOCKINGS
YOU NEED

OUT OF MY OWN EARNINGS.

NOW DON'T CRY, DARLING.

THERE. THEY THINK
THEY'RE MARRIED ALREADY.

BUT THE MATTER
IS NOT IN YOUR HANDS,
MR. FITZFASSENDEN.

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN
CAN DIVORCE YOU

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT
OR NOT.

THE EVIDENCE IS
THAT ON A RECENT OCCASION

YOU LEFT YOUR WIFE
AND TOOK REFUGE

IN THE ARMS OF MISS SMITH.

THE COURTS WILL GIVE
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN
A DECREE ON THAT.

WELL, LET IT.

I CAN SUPPORT ALASTAIR
TILL HE HAS TIME
TO MAKE ANOTHER FORTUNE.

YOU ALL THINK HIM A FOOL,
BUT HE'S A DEAR GOOD BOY.

AND IT DISGUSTS ME
THE WAY YOU ALL
TURN AGAINST HIM,

AND THE WAY
HIS WIFE TREATS HIM

LIKE DIRT
UNDER HER FEET.

WHAT WOULD SHE BE
WITHOUT HER MONEY,
I'D LIKE TO KNOW?

NOBODY IS ANYBODY
WITHOUT MONEY,
SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

MY DEAR OLD FATHER
TAUGHT ME THAT.

"STICK TO YOUR MONEY,"
HE SAID,

"AND ALL THE OTHER THINGS
SHALL BE ADDED UNTO YOU."

HE SAID IT WAS
FROM THE BIBLE.

I HAVE NEVER VERIFIED
THE QUOTATION,

BUT I HAVE NEVER
FORGOTTEN IT.

I HAVE STUCK
TO MY MONEY,

AND I SHALL CONTINUE
TO STICK TO IT.

RICH AS I AM,
I CAN HARDLY
FORGIVE ALASTAIR

FOR LETTING ME DOWN
430 POUNDS.

SIXTEEN AND SEVENPENCE,
YOU STINGY BEAST.
BUT I WILL PAY IT.

YOU WILL, DEAR.

I SHALL SELL MY INSURANCE
AND GIVE IT TO YOU.

MAY I HAVE THAT
IN WRITING, MISS SMITH?

OH, YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF,
YOU GREEDY PIG.

IT WAS YOUR FAULT.

WHY DID YOU LET
THE ELEPHANT GO
FOR 30 POUNDS?

IT COST 200.

DON'T LET'S WANDER
FROM THE POINT.

WHAT--WHA--
WHAT IS THE POINT, PRAY?

THE POINT IS THAT YOU
CAN OBTAIN A DIVORCE
IF YOU WISH.

I DON'T WISH.

DO YOU THINK
I AM GOING TO BE DRAGGED

THROUGH THE DIVORCE COURT
AND HAVE MY PICTURE

IN THE PAPERS
WITH THAT THING?

TO HAVE THE STORY
OF MY INFATUATION

IN HEADLINES
IN EVERY RAG IN LONDON?

BESIDES, IT SUITS ME
TO BE MARRIED.

IT IS RESPECTABLE.
IT KEEPS OTHER MEN OFF.

IT GIVES ME A FREEDOM
I COULD NOT ENJOY
AS A SINGLE WOMAN.

BESIDES, I AM ACCUSTOMED
TO A HUSBAND.

NO! DECIDEDLY NO!
I WILL NOT
DIVORCE ALASTAIR--

AT LEAST NOT UNTIL
I FIND A SUBSTITUTE
WHOM I REALLY WANT.

YOU COULDN'T
DIVORCE HIM UNLESS
HE CHOSE TO LET YOU.

ALASTAIR'S TOO MUCH
THE GENTLEMAN
TO MENTION IT,

BUT YOU VERY WELL KNOW
YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR

HASN'T BEEN
SO VERY NUNLIKE

THAT YOU DARE HAVE IT
SHOWN UP IN COURT.

ALASTAIR IS THE FIRST MAN
I EVER LOVED,

AND I HOPE
HE WON'T BE THE LAST.

BUT LEGAL DIFFICULTIES
DO NOT EXIST
FOR PEOPLE WITH MONEY.

AT ALL EVENTS,
AS ALASTAIR CANNOT AFFORD
TO DIVORCE ME

AND I DON'T WISH
TO DIVORCE HIM,

THE QUESTION
DOES NOT ARISE.

WHAT O'CLOCK IS IT?

I DO THINK
YOU MIGHT BUY
A WRISTWATCH.

I HAVE TOLD YOU SO
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

WHY SHOULD I GO
TO THE EXPENSE
OF BUYING A WRISTWATCH

WHEN EVERYONE ELSE
HAS ONE?

I HAVE NOTHING
TO DO BUT ASK.

IT IS 12:10.

OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS!
I HAVE MISSED MY LESSON.

OH, HOW ANNOYING!
Alastair: YOUR LESSON?

WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING
NOW, MAY I ASK?
JUDO.

WHEN YOU NEXT INDULGE
IN YOUR FAVORITE SPORT
OF WIFE-BEATING,

LOOK OUT FOR A SURPRISE.

MR. SAGAMORE,
WHAT DID I COME HERE FOR?

TO GIVE ME INSTRUCTIONS
ABOUT YOUR WILL.

SHE DRAWS UP A NEW WILL

WHENEVER SHE LOSES
HER TEMPER, SAGAMORE.

JOLLY GOOD BUSINESS
FOR YOU.

DO BE QUIET, ALASTAIR.

YOU FORGET THE DIGNITY
OF YOUR POSITION
AS MY HUSBAND.

MR. SAGAMORE,
I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND
ABOUT MY WILL.

AND I SHALL OVERLOOK
YOUR ATTEMPT
TO POISON ME.

OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT DO I OWE YOU
FOR THIS ABORTIVE
CONSULTATION?

THIRTEEN AND FOURPENCE,
IF YOU PLEASE.

OH, YES, WELL,
I NEVER CARRY MONEY
ABOUT WITH ME.

ADRIAN, LEND ME
THIRTEEN AND FOURPENCE.

UH, STOP.

MR. SAGAMORE,

YOU HAD BETTER BECOME
MY FAMILY SOLICITOR

AND SEND IN YOUR BILL
AT THE END OF THE YEAR.

SEND A COUNTY
COURT SUMMONS
WITH IT, SAGAMORE,

OR YOU MAY GO WHISTLE
FOR YOUR MONEY.

DO HOLD YOUR TONGUE,
ALASTAIR.

OF COURSE I WAIT
FOR A SUMMONS.

IT'S A SIMPLE PRECAUTION
AGAINST PAYING BILLS
SENT IN TWICE OVER.

QUITE,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.
AN EXCELLENT RULE.

YOU ARE A MAN
OF SENSE, MR. SAGAMORE.

NOW I MUST GET
SOME FRESH AIR.

THIS ORGY OF DOMESTICITY
HAS MADE THE ROOM STUFFY.

COME ALONG, ADRIAN,
WE'LL DRIVE
INTO THE COUNTRY

AND LUNCH THERE.

I KNOW THE QUAINTEST
LITTLE PLACE UP RIVER.

GOOD-BYE, MR. SAGAMORE.

GOOD-BYE, SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

TAKE CARE
OF ALASTAIR FOR ME.

HIS GOOD LOOKS
WILL GIVE YOU

A PLEASING SENSATION
DOWN YOUR SPINE.

Sagamore: BY THE WAY,
MR. BLENDERBLAND--

WHAT DID YOU COME FOR?

I TOTALLY FORGET.

I DON'T FEEL EQUAL
TO ANY MORE THIS MORNING.

( door closes )

YOUR WIFE IS THE MOST
EXTRAORDINARY LADY.

OOH!

HE CAN'T FIND WORDS
FOR HER, POOR DEAR.

AND NOW, MR. FITZFASSENDEN,
MAY I ASK

WHAT YOU CAME
TO CONSULT ME ABOUT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

AFTER TEN MINUTES
WITH EPPY, I DO NOT KNOW

IF I AM STANDING
ON MY HEAD OR MY HEELS.

IT WAS ABOUT
A SEPARATION.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER
A BIT, DEAR.
SEPARATION!

YOU MAY AS WELL TRY
AND SEPARATE YOURSELF
FROM A HURRICANE.

COME ALONG, SEEDY,
MY DARLING,

WE MUSTN'T WASTE
A BUSY MAN'S TIME.

MR. SAGAMORE,
YOU WILL STAND
BY US, WON'T YOU?

YOU WILL SAVE ALLY
FROM THAT AWFUL WOMAN.

YOU WILL SAVE HIM
FOR ME.

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T
CONTROL HER, MISS SMITH.

WHAT'S WORSE--
I'M AFRAID SHE
CAN CONTROL ME.

IT'S NOT ONLY
THAT I CAN'T AFFORD

TO OFFEND
SO RICH A CLIENT--

IT'S THAT HER WILL
PARALYZES MINE.

IT'S A SORT OF GENIUS
SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

OH, DON'T BE AFRAID
OF HER, MR. SAGAMORE.

SHE HAS A GENIUS
FOR MAKING MONEY.

IT'S IN HER FAMILY.
MONEY COMES TO HER.

BUT I HAVE MY LITTLE BIT
OF GENIUS, TOO,

AND SHE CAN'T PARALYZE ME.

AND WHAT HAVE YOU
A GENIUS FOR,

MISS SMITH, IF I MAY ASK?

FOR MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY.

UNHAPPY PEOPLE COME TO ME
AS MONEY COMES TO HER.

I CAN'T THINK
THAT YOUR WILL

IS STRONGER THAN HERS,
MISS SMITH.

OH, IT ISN'T, MR. SAGAMORE.
I HAVE NO WILL AT ALL.

I GET WHAT I WANT,
SOMEHOW.

YOU'LL SEE.

Alastair: SEEDY, COME ON!

COMING, DARLING.

BYE, MR. SAGAMORE.

YOU'LL SEE.

I THINK
I SHALL WAIT AND SEE.

HOW JOLLY!

I MUST BE
A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

INDEED!

WELL, NOT THAT
I AM DENYING IT,

BUT WHAT HAS IT TO DO
WITH WHAT I JUST SAID?

YOU SAID "HOW JOLLY."

I LOOK ROUND
AT THIS ROTTEN OLD INN

TRYING TO PRETEND
IT'S A RIVERSIDE HOTEL.

WE HAVE JUST HAD
A HORRIBLE MEAL

OF TOMATO TEA
CALLED SOUP,

THE REMAINS
OF SUNDAY'S JOINT,

SPROUTS, POTATOES,
APPLE TART,

AND STALE AMERICAN
SYNTHETIC CHEESE.

IF YOU CAN SUFFER THIS
AND SAY "HOW JOLLY,"

THERE MUST BE
SOME IRRESISTIBLE
ATTRACTION PRESENT,

AND I CAN SEE NOTHING

THAT IS NOT UTTERLY
REPULSIVE EXCEPT MYSELF.

DON'T YOU LIKE
THESE OLD-WORLD PLACES?

I DO.
I DON'T.

THEY OUGHT ALL TO BE
ROOTED UP, PULLED DOWN,

BURNT TO THE GROUND.

YOUR FLAT
ON THE EMBANKMENT
IN LONDON

COST MORE TO FURNISH
THAN THIS PLACE
DID TO BUILD

FROM THE CELLAR
TO THE ROOF.

YOU CAN GET
A DECENT LUNCH THERE,

PERFECTLY SERVED
BY A WORD
THROUGH THE TELEPHONE.

YOUR LUXURIOUS CAR
WILL WHISK YOU OUT

TO ONE OF A DOZEN HOTELS
IN LOVELY SCENERY,

AND YET YOU CHOOSE
THIS FILTHY OLD INN,

AND SAY, "HOW JOLLY!"

WHAT IS THE USE
OF BEING A MILLIONAIRESS
ON SUCH TERMS?

( scoffs ) WHEN I WAS FIRST
LET LOOSE ON THE WORLD

WITH UNLIMITED MONEY,
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG
IT TOOK ME

TO GET TIRED OF SHOPPING

AND SICK OF THE LUXURIES
YOU THINK SO MUCH OF?

ABOUT A FORTNIGHT.

MY FATHER, WHEN HE HAD
100 MILLION POUNDS,

TRAVELED THIRD CLASS
AND NEVER SPENT

MORE THAN TEN SHILLINGS
A DAY ON HIMSELF.

UNLESS
HE WAS ENTERTAINING

PEOPLE WHO WERE USEFUL
TO HIM.

WHY SHOULD HE?

HE COULDN'T EAT
MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

HE COULDN'T DRINK
MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

HE COULDN'T WEAR
MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

( chuckles )
NEITHER CAN I.

THEN WHY DO YOU LOVE MONEY
AND HATE SPENDING IT?

BECAUSE MONEY IS POWER.
MONEY IS SECURITY.

MONEY IS FREEDOM.
( scoffs )

TO ME,
MONEY IS A VULGAR BORE

AND A SOUL-DESTROYING
WORRY.

I NEED IT, OF COURSE,
BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.

I NEVER THINK OF IT
WHEN I CAN POSSIBLY
HELP IT.

IF YOU DON'T THINK
ABOUT MONEY,

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT?

WOMEN?

YES, OF COURSE,
BUT NOT EXCLUSIVELY.

FOOD?

WELL, I AM NOT ALWAYS
THINKING ABOUT MY FOOD,

BUT I AM RATHER
PARTICULAR ABOUT IT.

I CONFESS I LOOKED FORWARD
TO A BETTER LUNCH THAN THAT.

OH-HO! SO THAT IS
WHAT HAS PUT YOU
OUT OF TEMPER.

I AM NOT OUT
OF TEMPER...I HOPE.

BUT YOU PROMISED ME
A VERY SPECIAL TREAT,
EPIFANIA.

YOU SAID YOU HAD FOUND
A WONDERFUL PLACE
ON THE RIVER,

WHERE WE COULD BE OURSELVES

AND ENJOY
A DELIGHTFUL COTTAGE MEAL

IN PRIMITIVE SURROUNDINGS.

WHERE IS THE CHARM
OF THIS DISMAL HOLE?

HAVE YOU EVER EATEN
A VILER LUNCH?

THERE IS NOT EVEN
A PRIVATE SITTING ROOM.

ANYONE COULD WALK
IN HERE AT ANY MOMENT.

WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE

AT RICHMOND
OR MAIDENHEAD.

AND I BELIEVE
IT IS RAINING.

IS THAT MY FAULT?

IT COMPLETES
YOUR NOTION OF A HAPPY DAY
ON THE RIVER.

WHY IS IT
THAT THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW
HOW TO ENJOY THEMSELVES

NEVER HAVE ANY MONEY,
AND THE PEOPLE
WHO HAVE MONEY

NEVER KNOW
HOW TO ENJOY THEMSELVES?

YOU ARE NOT MAKING YOURSELF
VERY AGREEABLE, ADRIAN.

YOU ARE NOT
ENTERTAINING ME

VERY MUNIFICENTLY,
EPIFANIA.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
LET'S GET INTO THE CAR

AND DRIVE
ABOUT THE COUNTRY.

IT'S MUCH MORE LUXURIOUS

THAN THIS
HIDEOUS COFFEE ROOM,

AND MORE PRIVATE.

I AM TIRED OF MY CAR.
I AM NOT.

I WISH I COULD AFFORD
ONE LIKE IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD ENJOY

SITTING IN THIS CRAZY
OUT-OF-THE-WAY PLACE
TALKING TO ME.

BUT I FIND YOU ARE NOTHING
BUT A SPOILED OLD BACHELOR.

YOU THINK ABOUT NOTHING
BUT YOUR FOOD

AND YOUR LITTLE COMFORTS.

YOU'RE WORSE
THAN ALASTAIR.

AT LEAST, HE COULD TALK
ABOUT TENNIS AND BOXING.

YOU CAN TALK
ABOUT NOTHING BUT MONEY.

AND YOU THINK MONEY
UNINTERESTING!

OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
MY FATHER!

I AM VERY GLAD I DID NOT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

MY DEAR EPIFANIA,
IF WE ARE TO REMAIN FRIENDS,

I MAY AS WELL BE
PERFECTLY FRANK WITH YOU.

EVERYTHING
YOU HAVE TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR FATHER

CONVINCES ME THAT
HE WAS, NO DOUBT,

AN AFFECTIONATE PARENT
AND AMIABLE ENOUGH,

TO EXPLAIN YOUR SOMEWHAT
TIRESOME FATHER FIXATION,

AS DR. FREUD
WOULD CALL IT--

HE MUST HAVE BEEN
QUITE THE MOST
APPALLING BORE

EVER TO DEVASTATE
EVEN A ROTARY CLUB.

MY FATHER!

MY FATHER,
YOU INFINITE NOTHINGNESS!

MY FATHER
MADE 150 MILLION POUNDS.

YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN MADE
HALF A MILLION.

MY GOOD GIRL,
YOUR FATHER
NEVER MADE ANYTHING.

I HAVE NOT
THE SLIGHTEST NOTION

OF HOW HE CONTRIVED
TO GET A LEGAL CLAIM

ON SO MUCH OF WHAT
OTHER PEOPLE MADE--

YOU ROTTEN THING!

TAKE THAT FOR CALLING
MY FATHER A BORE!
RESTRAIN YOURSELF!

RESTRAIN YOURSELF!
YOU MIGHT HAVE HURT ME
VERY SERIOUSLY.

I SHALL HURT YOU
TILL YOU WISH
YOURSELF DEAD!

SCUM! FILTH!

HELP! HELP!

THERE'S
A MADWOMAN HERE!

I SHALL NOT BE ABLE
TO HOLD HER SINGLE-HANDED!

HELP!
VERMIN!

SHE IS MAD!

SHE IS MURDERING ME.
DIRT! CARRION!

POLICE! HELP!

( screaming )

YOU BRUTE!

YOU HAVE KILLED ME.

OH...OH!
( cries )

( with foreign accent )
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

I AM AN EGYPTIAN DOCTOR.

I HEAR
A GREAT DISTURBANCE.

YOU COME IN HERE
IN CONVULSIONS.
CAN I HELP?

I--I AM DYING.
NONSENSE!

YOU CAN SWEAR.

THE FIT HAS SUBSIDED.

YOU CAN SIT UP NOW.
YOU ARE QUITE WELL.

GOOD AFTERNOON.
STOP!

I AM NOT QUITE WELL.
I AM ON THE POINT OF DEATH.

I NEED A DOCTOR.
I AM A RICH WOMAN.

IN THAT CASE,
YOU WILL HAVE
NO DIFFICULTY

IN FINDING
AN ENGLISH DOCTOR.

IS THERE ANYONE ELSE
HERE WHO NEEDS MY HELP?

THE NOISE WAS OF SOMEBODY
FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS.

HE MAY HAVE BROKEN
SOME BONES.
NEVER MIND HIM.

IF HE HAD BROKEN
EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY,

IT'S NO MORE
THAN HE DESERVES.

COME BACK INSTANTLY.
I WANT YOU.

COME BACK. COME BACK.

( exhales )

THE LANDLORD IS TAKING
THE GENTLEMAN

TO THE COTTAGE HOSPITAL
IN YOUR CAR.

IN MY CAR!
I WILL NOT PERMIT IT.

LET THEM GET AN AMBULANCE.

THE CAR HAS GONE.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY GLAD
THAT IT IS BEING SO USEFUL.

IT IS YOUR BUSINESS
TO DOCTOR ME,
NOT TO LECTURE ME.

I AM NOT YOUR DOCTOR.
I AM NOT
IN GENERAL PRACTICE.

I KEEP A CLINIC
FOR PENNILESS
MUHAMMADAN REFUGEES,

AND I WORK IN THE HOSPITAL.
I CANNOT ATTEND TO YOU.

YOU MUST ATTEND TO ME.
YOU SHALL ATTEND TO ME.

ARE YOU GOING
TO ABANDON ME HERE TO DIE?

YOU ARE NOT DYING.
NOT YET, AT LEAST.

YOUR OWN DOCTOR
WILL ATTEND TO YOU.

YOU ARE MY OWN DOCTOR,
I TELL YOU.

I AM A RICH WOMAN.
DOCTORS' FEES
ARE NOTHING TO ME.

CHARGE ME
WHAT YOU PLEASE,

BUT YOU MUST
AND SHALL ATTEND TO ME.

YOU ARE ABOMINABLY RUDE,

BUT YOU INSPIRE
CONFIDENCE AS A DOCTOR.

IF I ATTENDED
ALL THOSE IN WHOM
I INSPIRE CONFIDENCE,

I SHOULD BE WORN OUT
IN A WEEK.

I HAVE TO RESERVE MYSELF
FOR POOR AND USEFUL PEOPLE.

THEN YOU ARE EITHER
A FOOL OR A BOLSHEVIK.

I AM NOTHING
BUT A SERVANT OF ALLAH.

YOU ARE NOT.
YOU ARE MY DOCTOR.

I AM A SICK WOMAN.
YOU CANNOT ABANDON ME

TO DIE
IN THIS WRETCHED PLACE.

I SEE NO SYMPTOMS
OF ANY SICKNESS ABOUT YOU.

ARE YOU IN PAIN?

YES. HORRIBLE PAIN.
WHERE?

DON'T CROSS-EXAMINE ME
AS THOUGH YOU
DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.

I MUST HAVE SPRAINED
MY WRIST

THROWING THAT BEAST
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHICH HAND?

( mutters )
THIS ONE.

NOTHING WHATEVER
THE MATTER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?
IT'S MY HAND, NOT YOURS.

YOU WOULD SCREAM
THE HOUSE DOWN

IF YOU HAD SPRAINED
YOUR WRIST.

YOU ARE SHAMMING.
LYING. WHY?

IS IT TO MAKE
YOURSELF INTERESTING?

MAKE MYSELF INTERESTING!
MAN, I AM INTERESTING.

NOT IN THE LEAST,
MEDICALLY.

ARE YOU INTERESTING
IN ANY OTHER WAY?

I AM THE MOST INTERESTING
WOMAN IN ENGLAND.

I AM EPIFANIA
OGNISANTI DI PARERGA.

NEVER HEARD OF HER.

ITALIAN ARISTOCRAT,
I PRESUME.

ARISTOCRAT!
DO YOU TAKE ME
FOR A FOOL?

MY ANCESTORS
WERE MONEYLENDERS

TO ALL OF EUROPE
500 YEARS AGO.

NOW WE ARE NOW BANKERS
OF ALL THE WORLD.

JEWESS, EH?

CHRISTIAN, TO THE LAST
DROP OF MY BLOOD.

THE STUPIDEST DI PARERGA

CAN WALK ROUND
THE CLEVEREST JEW

WHEN IT COMES
TO MONEYMAKING.

WE ARE THE ONLY
REAL ARISTOCRACY
IN THE WORLD.

THE ARISTOCRACY OF MONEY.

THE PLUTOCRACY,
IN FACT.

IF YOU LIKE.
I AM A PLUTOCRAT
OF THE PLUTOCRATS.

WELL, THAT IS A DISEASE

FOR WHICH
I DO NOT PRESCRIBE.

THE ONLY KNOWN CURE
IS A REVOLUTION.

BUT THE MORTALITY RATE
IS HIGH,

AND SOMETIMES,
IF IT IS THE WRONG SORT
OF REVOLUTION,

IT INTENSIFIES
THE DISEASE.

I CAN DO NOTHING
FOR YOU.

I MUST GO BACK TO MY WORK.
GOOD MORNING.

BUT THIS IS YOUR WORK.

WHAT ELSE
HAVE YOU TO DO?

THERE IS A GREAT DEAL
TO BE DONE IN THE WORLD

BESIDES ATTENDING
RICH IMAGINARY INVALIDS.

BUT IF YOU ARE PAID
WELL?

I MAKE
THE LITTLE MONEY I NEED

BY WORK WHICH I VENTURE
TO THINK MORE IMPORTANT.

THEN YOU ARE A PIG,
A BEAST,

AND A BOLSHEVIK.

IT'S THE MOST
ABOMINABLE THING

TO LEAVE ME HERE
TO MY DISTRESS.

MY CAR IS GONE,
I HAVE NO MONEY.

I NEVER CARRY
MONEY ABOUT.

I HAVE NONE TO CARRY.

YOUR CAR
WILL RETURN PRESENTLY.

YOU CAN BORROW MONEY
FROM YOUR CHAUFFEUR.

YOU ARE AN UNMITIGATED
HIPPOPOTAMUS.

YOU ARE A BASHIBAZOUK.

I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN IT
BY THAT RIDICULOUS
TARBOOSH.

YOU SHOULD TAKE IT OFF
IN MY PRESENCE.

AT LEAST HAVE THE MANNERS
TO WAIT WITH ME

UNTIL MY CHAUFFEUR
COMES BACK.

HE HAS COME BACK.
( horn honking )

DAMN!

CAN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL
HE'S HAD A CUP OF TEA
AND A CIGARETTE?

NO. PLEASE,
GIVE ME BACK MY FEZ.

I WANTED TO SEE
WHAT YOU LOOKED LIKE
WITHOUT IT.

( chuckles )

THERE. NOW LISTEN TO ME.

YOU ARE HAVING
AN ADVENTURE.

HAVE YOU NO ROMANCE
IN YOU?

HAVEN'T YOU EVEN
COMMON CURIOSITY?

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHY I THREW
THAT BEAST DOWNSTAIRS?

DON'T YOU WANT TO THROW
YOUR WRETCHED WORK

TO THE DEVIL FOR ONCE
AND HAVE AN AFTERNOON

ON THE RIVER
WITH AN INTERESTING

AND ATTRACTIVE WOMAN?

WOMEN ARE
NEITHER INTERESTING
NOR ATTRACTIVE TO ME,

EXCEPT
WHEN THEY ARE ILL.

I KNOW TOO MUCH
ABOUT THEM,
INSIDE AND OUT.

YOU ARE PERFECTLY WELL.

LIAR. NOBODY
IS PERFECTLY WELL,

NOR EVER HAS BEEN,
NOR EVER WILL BE.

THAT IS TRUE.
YOU MUST HAVE BRAINS
OF A SORT.

I REMEMBER
WHEN I BEGAN
AS A YOUNG SURGEON.

I KILLED
SEVERAL PATIENTS
BY MY OPERATIONS

BECAUSE I HAD BEEN TAUGHT
THAT I MUST GO ON CUTTING

UNTIL THERE WAS
NOTHING LEFT

BUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY
TISSUE.

( chuckles )

AS THERE IS NO SUCH THING
AS PERFECTLY HEALTHY TISSUE,

I SHOULD HAVE CUT
MY PATIENTS ENTIRELY AWAY

IF THE NURSE
HAD NOT STOPPED ME

BEFORE THEY DIED
ON THE TABLE.

THEY DIED AFTER THEY LEFT
THE HOSPITAL,

BUT AS THEY WERE
CARRIED AWAY

FROM THE TABLE ALIVE,
I WAS ABLE TO CLAIM

A SUCCESSFUL OPERATION.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

YES. BUT YOU NEED NOT
BE AFRAID.

MY HUSBAND
IS OPENLY UNFAITHFUL TO ME

AND CANNOT
TAKE YOU TO COURT
IF YOU MAKE LOVE TO ME.

I CAN DIVORCE HIM
IF NECESSARY.

AND THE MAN
YOU THREW DOWNSTAIRS,
WHO WAS HE?

ONE DOES NOT THROW
ONE'S HUSBAND DOWNSTAIRS.

DID HE MAKE LOVE TO YOU?

NO. HE INSULTED
MY FATHER'S MEMORY

BECAUSE HE WAS DISAPPOINTED
WITH HIS LUNCH HERE.

WHEN I THINK OF MY FATHER,
ALL ORDINARY MEN

SEEM TO ME
THE MEREST TRASH.

YOU ARE NOT
AN ORDINARY MAN.

I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE
SOME MORE OF YOU.

WELL, NOW
YOU HAVE ASKED ME

CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS
ABOUT MY FAMILY,

AND I HAVE ANSWERED THEM.

YOU CAN NO LONGER PRETEND

THAT YOU ARE NOT
MY FAMILY DOCTOR.

SO THAT IS SETTLED.

A FATHER FIXATION,
YOU SAY?

AND AN EXCESS
OF MONEY?
MMH.

A BEGGARLY 30 MILLION.

OF PSYCHOLOGICAL
CURIOSITY.

I WILL CONSIDER IT.

CONSIDER IT?

YOU WILL FEEL HONORED,
GRATIFIED, DELIGHTED.

I SEE ENORMOUS
SELF-CONFIDENCE.

RECKLESS AUDACITY.

INSANE EGOTISM.

APPARENTLY SEXLESS.

SEXLESS! WHO TOLD YOU
THAT I AM SEXLESS?

YOU TALK TO ME
AS IF YOU WERE A MAN.

THERE IS NO MYSTERY,
NO SEPARATENESS,

NO SACREDNESS
ABOUT MEN TO YOU.

A MAN TO YOU IS ONLY
THE MALE OF YOUR SPECIES.

MY SPECIES INDEED!

MAN IS A DIFFERENT
AND VERY INFERIOR SPECIES.

FIVE MINUTES CONVERSATION
WITH MY HUSBAND

WOULD PROVE TO YOU
THAT HE AND I

DO NOT BELONG
TO THE SAME SPECIES.

BUT THERE ARE
SOME GREAT MEN
LIKE MY FATHER.

AND THERE ARE
SOME GOOD DOCTORS
LIKE YOU.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DOES
YOUR REGULAR DOCTOR
SAY ABOUT YOU?

I HAVE NO REGULAR DOCTOR.

IF I HAD, I SHOULD HAVE
AN OPERATION A WEEK

UNTIL THERE WAS
NOTHING LEFT OF ME

OR OF MY BANK ACCOUNT.

I SHALL NOT EXPECT YOU
TO MAUL ME ABOUT

WITH A STETHOSCOPE,

IF THAT IS WHAT
YOU ARE AFRAID OF.

I HAVE THE LUNGS
OF A WHALE

AND THE DIGESTION
OF AN OSTRICH.

I HAVE A CLOCKWORK
INSIDE.

I SLEEP EIGHT HOURS
LIKE A LOG.

WHEN I WANT ANYTHING,
I LOSE MY HEAD ABOUT IT

SO COMPLETELY
I ALWAYS GET IT.

WHAT SORT OF THINGS
DO YOU WANT MOSTLY?

EVERYTHING. ANYTHING.

EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING
IS NOTHING.

FIVE MINUTES AGO
I WANTED YOU.

NOW I HAVE YOU.

COME! YOU CANNOT
BLUFF A DOCTOR.

YOU MAY WANT THE SUN

AND THE MOON
AND THE STARS,

BUT YOU CANNOT GET THEM.

THAT IS WHY
I TAKE GREAT CARE
NOT TO WANT THEM.

I WANT ONLY WANT
THE THINGS I CAN GET.

GOOD.
A PRACTICAL INTELLECT.

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT
AT PRESENT,
FOR INSTANCE?

( exhales )
THAT IS THE DEVIL OF IT.

THERE IS NOTHING
ONE CAN GET
EXCEPT MORE MONEY.

I DO NOT CARE
FOR MONEY.

I CARE
ONLY FOR KNOWLEDGE.

KNOWLEDGE IS NO USE
WITHOUT MONEY.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

I AM MARRIED TO SCIENCE.

ONE WIFE IS ENOUGH FOR ME,

THOUGH BY MY RELIGION
I AM ALLOWED FOUR.

FOUR!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I AM WHAT YOU CALL
A MUHAMMADAN.

WELL, YOU WILL HAVE
TO BE CONTENT
WITH TWO WIVES

IF YOU MARRY ME.

OH! IS THERE
ANY QUESTION OF THAT
BETWEEN US?

YES.
I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

NOTHING DOING, LADY.
SCIENCE IS MY BRIDE.

YOU CAN HAVE SCIENCE,
TOO.

I SHAN'T BE JEALOUS
OF HER, BUT...

I MADE A SOLEMN PROMISE
TO MY FATHER

ON HIS DEATHBED--
STOP.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU--

I MADE A SOLEMN PROMISE
TO MY MOTHER

ON HER DEATHBED.

WHAT?

MY MOTHER
WAS A VERY WISE WOMAN.

SHE MADE ME SWEAR TO HER
THAT IF ANY WOMAN

WANTED TO MARRY ME
AND I FELT TEMPTED,

I WOULD HAND THE WOMAN
200 PIASTERS

AND TELL HER THAT UNLESS
SHE WOULD GO OUT

INTO THE WORLD
WITH NOTHING BUT THAT

AND THE CLOTHES
SHE STOOD IN

AND EARN HER LIVING
ALONE AND UNAIDED
FOR SIX MONTHS,

I WOULD NEVER
SPEAK TO HER AGAIN.

AND IF SHE STOOD
THE TEST?

THEN I MUST MARRY HER
EVEN IF SHE WERE

THE UGLIEST DEVIL
ON EARTH.

AND YOU EXPECT ME--
ME, EPIFANIA OGNISANTI
DI PARERGA

TO SUBMIT MYSELF
TO THIS TEST--TO ANY TEST?

I SWORE.
I HAVE A MOTHER FIXATION.

ALLAH WILLED IT SO.
I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.

WHAT WAS YOUR MOTHER?

A WASHERWOMAN.
A WIDOW.

SHE BROUGHT UP
ELEVEN CHILDREN.

I WAS THE YOUNGEST,
THE BENJAMIN.

THE OTHER TEN
ARE HONEST WORKING FOLK.

WITH THEIR HELP,
SHE MADE ME
INTO MAN OF LEARNING.

IT WAS HER AMBITION
TO HAVE A SON

WHO COULD READ AND WRITE.

SHE PRAYED TO ALLAH,

AND HE ENDOWED ME
WITH THE NECESSARY TALENT.

AND YOU EXPECT ME
TO BE BEATEN

BY AN OLD WASHERWOMAN?

I AM AFRAID SO.
YOU COULD NEVER
PASS THE TEST.

INDEED!

AND MY FATHER'S TEST
FOR A HUSBAND WORTHY OF ME?

OH! THE HUSBAND
IS TO BE TESTED, TOO?

THAT HAD NEVER
OCCURRED TO ME.

NOR TO YOUR MOTHER
EITHER, IT SEEMS.

WELL,
YOU KNOW BETTER NOW.

I AM TO GIVE YOU 150 POUNDS.

YOU ARE TO INCREASE IT
TO 50,000.

WITHIN SIX MONTHS.

HOW IS THAT FOR A TEST?

QUITE CONCLUSIVE.

AT THE END OF SIX MONTHS,
I SHOULD NOT HAVE

ONE PENNY OF IT LEFT,
PRAISE BE TO ALLAH.

YOU CONFESS
YOURSELF BEATEN?

ABSOLUTELY. COMPLETELY.

AND YOU THINK
I AM BEATEN, TOO?

HOPELESSLY.

YOU DO NOT KNOW
WHAT HOMELESS POVERTY IS.

AND ALLAH
THE COMPASSIONATE

WILL TAKE CARE
THAT YOU NEVER DO.

( sighs )

HOW MUCH IS
200 PIASTERS?

AT THE RATE OF EXCHANGE
CONTEMPLATED BY MY MOTHER,

ABOUT 35 SHILLINGS.

HAND IT OVER.

UNFORTUNATELY,

MY MOTHER FORGOT
TO PROVIDE

FOR THIS CONTINGENCY.

I HAVE NOT GOT
35 SHILLINGS.

I MUST BORROW THEM
FROM YOU.
TSK.

I NEVER
HAVE A PENNY ON ME.

NO MATTER.
I WILL BORROW IT
FROM MY CHAUFFEUR.

HE WILL LEND YOU
150 POUNDS
ON MY ACCOUNT

IF YOU DARE ASK HIM.

GOOD-BYE...
FOR SIX MONTHS.

THERE IS NO MIGHT
AND NO MAJESTY

SAVE IN THEE, O ALLAH,

BUT, O MOST GREAT
AND GLORIOUS,

IS THIS ANOTHER
OF THY TERRIBLE JOKES?

Boy:
YOU GAVE ME THAT.

Boy #2: GIVE ME
THAT BACK!

NO, I WON'T!

GIVE ME THAT BACK!

( doorbell rings )

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I AM LOOKING
FOR EMPLOYMENT.

A WOMAN TOLD ME
I SHOULD FIND IT HERE.

I AM DESTITUTE.

THAT'S NO WAY
TO GET EMPLOYMENT,

POKING YOUR NOSE
INTO PLACES
THAT DON'T CONCERN YOU.

GET OUT.
THERE ARE NO WOMEN
EMPLOYED HERE.

YOU LIE.
THERE ARE SIX WOMEN
WORKING IN THERE.

WHO EMPLOYS THEM?

IS THAT THE WAY
TO TALK TO ME? HUH.

YOU THINK A LOT
OF YOURSELF, DON'T YOU?

WHAT DO YOU
TAKE ME FOR?
A WORM.

TAKE CARE.
I CAN USE MY FISTS.

I CAN SHOOT,
IF NECESSARY.

CAREFUL, JOE.
SHE'S AN INSPECTOR.
LOOK AT HER SHOES.

I AM NOT AN INSPECTOR.

AND WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH MY SHOES, PRAY?

Woman: WELL MA'AM,
COULD A WOMAN
LOOKING FOR WORK

AT TWOPENCE
HALFPENNY AN HOUR

AFFORD A WEST END SHOE
LIKE THAT?

I CAN ASSURE YOU
WE DON'T EMPLOY
ANY WOMEN HERE.

WE'RE ONLY CARETAKERS.

BUT I SAW SIX WOMEN--

WHERE? WHERE?

THERE. NOT A SOUL.

GO ON. SEARCH THE WHOLE
BLOODY BASEMENT.

Woman: DON'T SPEAK
TO THE LADY LIKE THAT.

YOU SEE, MA'AM.
THERE'S NOT A SOUL.

THERE'S A SMELL.

YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM
A SIGNAL TO HIDE.

YOU ARE BREAKING
THE LAW.

GIVE ME SOME WORK,
OR I SHALL SEND

A POSTCARD
TO THE HOME OFFICE.

LOOK HERE, LADY.
CAN'T WE ARRANGE THIS?

AND WHAT GOOD
WILL IT DO YOU
TO GET ME INTO TROUBLE

AND SHUT UP
MY LITTLE SHOP?

WHAT GOOD
WILL IT DO ME
TO SAY NOTHING?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT
HALF A CROWN A WEEK?

I CANNOT LIVE
ON HALF A CROWN A WEEK.

YOU CAN
IF YOU LOOK ROUND A BIT.

THERE ARE OTHERS,
YOU KNOW.

GIVE ME THE ADDRESS
OF THE OTHERS.

IF I AM TO LIVE
BY BLACKMAIL,

I MUST HAVE
AN EXTENDED PRACTICE.

IF I HAVE TO PAY,

I DON'T SEE
WHY THE OTHERS
SHOULDN'T, TOO.

WILL YOU TAKE
THE HALF CROWN?

LOOK AT IT!
LISTEN TO IT.
( coin tinkles )

AND ANOTHER OF THOSE
EVERY WEDNESDAY

IF YOU KEEP
THE INSPECTOR OFF ME.

IT IS NO USE
RINGING
HALF CROWNS AT ME.

I AM ACCUSTOMED
TO THEM.

AND I FEEL CONVINCED
YOU WILL PAY

FIVE SHILLINGS
IF I INSIST.

I'M SURE.

HAVE SOME FEELING
FOR US.

YOU DON'T KNOW
THE STRUGGLE
WE HAVE TO LIVE.

HERE.
WE'RE NOT BEGGARS.

I'LL PAY
WHAT THE BUSINESS
CAN AFFORD

AND NOT A PENNY MORE.

YOU KNOW IT CAN AFFORD
FIVE SHILLINGS.

YOU KNOW
I CAN'T AFFORD ANY MORE.

TAKE YOUR FIVE SHILLINGS
AND BE DONE TO YOU.

DON'T BE SO HASTY.

YOU SHUT UP.

YOU THINK YOU CAN GET
A FEW SHILLINGS OFF,

BUT YOU CAN'T.

I CAN SIZE UP A TOUGH LOT

WITHOUT LOOKING
AT HER SHOES.

SHE'S GOT US,
SHE KNOWS
SHE'S GOT US.

I DON'T LIKE
THIS BLACKMAILING
BUSINESS.

OF COURSE IF I MUST,
I MUST, BUT...

CAN YOU NOT GIVE ME
ANY MANUAL WORK?

YOU WANT TO GET
A LITTLE DEEPER

INTO OUR BUSINESS,
DON'T YOU?

I AM AS DEEP AS
I CAN GET ALREADY.

YOU HAVE SIX WOMEN
WORKING IN THERE.

THAT THING IN THE CORNER
IS A GAS ENGINE.

THAT MAKES YOU
A WORKSHOP UNDER THE ACT.

EXCEPT THAT
THE SANITARY ARRANGEMENTS

ARE PROBABLY APPALLING,

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE
I NEED TO KNOW.

I HAVE YOU
IN THE HOLLOW
OF MY HAND.

YOU GIVE ME SOME WORK
THAT I CAN LIVE BY,

OR I'LL HAVE YOU
CLEARED OUT OF HERE
LIKE A WASP'S NEST.

I HAVE A GOOD MIND
TO CLEAR OUT ANYWAY.

GO TO ANOTHER PLACE WHERE
YOU WON'T FIND ME SO EASY.

I AM USED
TO CHANGING MY ADDRESS.

THAT IS THE ONE GOOD CARD
YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND.

YOU HAVE
SOME BUSINESS ABILITY.

TELL ME,
WHY CAN YOU NOT
GIVE ME WORK

TO LIVE BY
JUST AS YOU GIVE IT,

I SUPPOSE,
TO THOSE WOMEN
I SAW IN THERE?

I DON'T LIKE THE PEOPLE
I EMPLOY TO KNOW TOO MUCH.

THEY MIGHT CALL IN
THE INSPECTOR.

CALL IN THE INSPECTOR!
WHAT SORT OF FOOL ARE YOU?

THEY DREAD THE INSPECTOR
MORE THAN I DO.

WHY? DON'T THEY WANT
TO BE PROTECTED?

THE INSPECTOR
WOULDN'T PROTECT THEM,
MA'AM.

HE'D ONLY SHUT
THE PLACE DOWN

AND TAKE THEIR JOBS
AWAY FROM THEM.

IF THEY THOUGHT YOU'D BE SO
CRUEL AS TO REPORT THEM,

THEY'D GO ON THEIR KNEES
TO YOU TO SPARE THEM.

YOU THAT KNOW
SO MUCH ABOUT IT,

OUGHT TO KNOW
A BUSINESS LIKE THIS

CAN'T AFFORD
ANY LUXURIES.

IT'S A CHEAP
LABOR BUSINESS.

AS LONG
AS I CAN GET WOMEN

FOR THEIR
NATURAL WAGE,
I CAN GET ALONG,

BUT NO LUXURIES,
MIND YOU.

NO TRADE UNION WAGES.

NO "SANITARY ARRANGEMENTS,"
AS YOU CALL THEM.

NO LIME-WASHINGS
EVERY SIX MONTHS.

NO SEPARATE ROOMS
TO EAT IN.

AND NO FENCING IN
OF DANGEROUS MACHINERY

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I'D BE OUT OF BUSINESS
IN A WEEK.

WHAT IS A WOMAN'S
NATURAL WAGE?

TWOPENCE HALFPENNY AN HOUR
FOR A TWELVE-HOUR A DAY.

SLAVERY!

OH, NO, MA'AM.
NOBODY WOULDN'T
CALL THAT SLAVERY.

A GOOD WORKER CAN MAKE
12-15 SHILLINGS
A WEEK AT IT,

WEEK IN, WEEK OUT.

Man: ISN'T IT
WHAT THE GOVERNMENT

PAID AT THE BEGINNING
OF THE WAR?

YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY
MORE THAN THE BRITISH
GOVERNMENT?

BUT CAN A WOMAN LIVE
ON 12 SHILLINGS A WEEK?

OF COURSE SHE CAN.
WHAT'S TO PREVENT HER?

THEN I WILL WORK
EVEN FOR THAT

JUST TO PROVE
THAT I CAN WORK
AND SUPPORT MYSELF.

SO GIVE ME WORK
AND HAVE DONE TALKING.

WHO STARTED TALKING?
YOU OR ME?

I DID.

I THANK YOU
FOR THE INFORMATION
YOU HAVE GIVEN ME.

IT HAS BEEN INFORMATIVE
AND TO THE POINT.

IS THAT
SUFFICIENT APOLOGY?

NOW TO WORK, TO WORK.

I AM IN A HURRY
TO GET TO WORK.

WELL, WHAT SORT OF WORK
CAN YOU DO?

CA-CAN YOU SEW?
CAN YOU MAKE BUTTONHOLES?

CERTAINLY NOT.
I DON'T CALL THAT WORK.

WELL, WHAT SORT OF WORK
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

BRAIN WORK.

SHE'S DOTTY!

YOUR WORK.
MANAGING WORK.

PLANNING WORK.
DRIVING WORK.

SHOW ME
WHAT YOU MAKE HERE.

TELL ME
HOW YOU DISPOSE OF IT.

YOU GET ON
WITH YOUR WORK.

SHOW HER WHAT YOU DO.

AND WHEN YOU'VE
QUITE SATISFIED
YOUR CURIOSITY,

MAYBE YOU'LL TAKE
THAT FIVE SHILLINGS
AND GO.

WHY? DON'T YOU FIND
MY ARRIVAL

A PLEASANT SORT
OF ADVENTURE
IN THIS DEN?

I NEVER HEARD THE LIKE
OF YOUR CHEEK,

NOT FROM NOBODY.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THESE
WHEN THEY ARE FINISHED?

THE MAN COMES
WITH HIS CART
AND TAKES THEM AWAY.

DOES HE PAY YOU
FOR THEM?

NO. HE GIVES US
A RECEIPT FOR THEM.

MR. SUPERFLEW PAYS US
FOR THE RECEIPTS

AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

WHAT DOES HE DO
WITH THE COATS?

HE TAKES THEM
TO THE WHOLESALER

WHAT SUPPLIES HIM
WITH THE CLOTH.

THE CART BRINGS US
THE CLOTH

WHEN IT TAKES AWAY
THE FINISHED CLOTHES.

WH--
( chuckles )

WHY DON'T YOU DEAL

DIRECTLY
WITH THE WHOLESALER?

OH, NO.
THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE,
AND MR. SUPERFLEW DOES.

BESIDES, WE COULDN'T
AFFORD A HORSE AND CART.

DOES MR. SUPERFLEW
OWN THE HORSE AND CART?

OH, NO.
THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

HE HIRES IT BY THE HOUR
FROM BOLTON'S.

IS IT ALWAYS
THE SAME DRIVER?

OH, YES. IT'S ALWAYS
OLD TIM GOODENOUGH.

WRITE THOSE NAMES DOWN.

BOLTON'S, SUPERFLEW,
GOODENOUGH.

YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT YOUR CLERK!

YOU WILL BE SOON.
DO AS I TELL YOU.

NOW...WHEN GOODENOUGH
COMES ROUND NEXT,

TELL HIM TO TELL BOLTON'S
THAT HE HAS FOUND

SOMEBODY WHO WILL BUY
THE HORSE AND CART FOR...

( coins clink )

FOURTEEN POUNDS.

TELL HIM IF HE CAN PERSUADE
BOLTON'S TO PART WITH IT

AT THAT PRICE,
YOU WILL GIVE HIM

A POUND FOR HIMSELF

AND HALF A CROWN ADVANCE
IN HIS PRESENT WAGE

TO DRIVE THE SAME OLD ROUND
TO THE SAME PLACES.

HE KNOWS THE WHOLESALERS.

MR. SUPERFLEW
IS SUPERFLUOUS.

WHOSE BUSINESS IS THIS,
YOURS OR MINE?

WE SHALL SEE.
DARE YOU BUY
A HORSE AND CART?

WHERE'S THE MONEY
TO COME FROM?

WHERE DOES ALL MONEY
COME FROM?

THE BANK, OF COURSE.

YOU GOT TO PUT
IT IN THERE FIRST,
HAVEN'T YOU?

NOT AT ALL.
OTHER PEOPLE PUT IT THERE.

AND THE BANK
LENDS IT TO YOU

IF IT THINKS YOU CAN
EXTEND YOUR BUSINESS.

JOE! DON'T TRUST
YOUR MONEY IN A BANK.

NO GOOD EVER COME OUT
OF BANKS

FOR THE LIKES OF US.

DON'T LET HER
TEMPT YOU, JOE.

WHEN HAD YOU LAST
A HOLIDAY?

ME! HOLIDAY?!

WE CAN'T AFFORD
HOLIDAYS.

OOH, I WENT ON
ARMISTICE DAY

EIGHTEEN YEAR AGO.

SO IT'S COST
A WORLD WAR

AND THE SLAUGHTER
OF 20 MILLION

OF YOUR FELLOW
CREATURES TO GIVE YOU

THE ONE HOLIDAY
IN YOUR LIFETIME.

I CAN DO BETTER
FOR YOU THAN THAT.

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND
THAT SORT OF TALK.

WE'VE GOT
NO TIME FOR IT.

LOOK, COULDN'T YOU
JUST TAKE OUR LITTLE PRESENT

AND GO AWAY?
( man shouts outside )

THAT'S TIM GOODENOUGH
FOR THE CLOTHES.

OH. SIT DOWN.

I'LL DEAL WITH TIM.

( dialogue inaudible )

STOP HER, JOE!
DON'T, NO, NO.

HOLD YOUR NOISE.
HOLD YOUR NOISE.

I'LL NOT LET HER
INTERFERE WITH IT.

I'LL PUT HER OUT
ALL RIGHT.

NOW, LOOK HERE, MISSIS,
LET'S HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.

THERE'S
NO UNDERSTANDING
NECESSARY.

TIM GOODENOUGH
IS QUITE CONVINCED

THAT BOLTON'S WILL PART
WITH THE HORSE AND CART

FOR 10 POUNDS.
( cries louder )

OH, DO STOP
THAT POOR WOMAN
HOWLING.

WELL, I AM GOING NOW.

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH WORK
FOR ME TO DO HERE.

I CAN DO IT ALL
IN THE MORNING
EVERY WEEK.

JUST HALF A DAY.

I SHOULD TAKE A JOB
AS A SCULLERY MAID
IN A HOTEL

TO FILL IN THE TIME.

MEANWHILE,
CARRY ON AS USUAL.

GOOD MORNING.

IT SEEMS LIKE
SOME SORT OF DREAM.

WHAT CAN I DO?

DO WHAT SHE TELLS US,
JOE.

WE'RE JUST LIKE CHILDREN.
( sniffs )

( conversation inaudible )

I SAY, SEEDY,
ISN'T THIS JOLLY?

YES, DARLING,
IT'S LOVELY.

NOTHING BEATS
A FINE WEEKEND
ON THE RIVER.

A PULL ON THE WATER
IN THE MORNING

TO GIVE ONE
A GOOD STRETCH

AND A GOOD APPETITE.

A GOOD LUNCH,
A GOOD LAZE.

WHAT MORE CAN ANY MAN
DESIRE ON EARTH?

YOU ROW
SO BEAUTIFULLY, ALLY.

I LOVE
TO SEE YOU SCULLING

AND PUNTING, TOO.

YOU LOOK SO WELL
STANDING UP IN THAT PUNT.

( chuckles )

IT'S THE QUIET OF IT,
THE BLESSED QUIET OF IT.

YOU ARE SO QUIET.

YOU KNOW, I'M NEVER AFRAID

THAT YOU ARE GOING
TO KICKING UP A ROW

ABOUT NOTHING.

THE RIVER IS SO SMOOTH.

I DO NOT KNOW
WHICH COMFORTS ME MOST--

YOU OR THE RIVER.
( chuckles )
( giggles )

GOOD AFTERNOON,
SIR.

I HOPE THAT EVERYTHING
HERE IS TO YOUR LIKING.

OH, YES, YES, INDEED,

BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH THE OLD PLACE?

I MEAN,
WHEN I WAS HERE LAST,

A YEAR AGO,
IT WAS A COMMON PUB

CALLED
"THE PIG AND WHISTLE."

IT WAS SO
UNTIL QUITE LATELY, SIR.

MY FATHER KEPT
THE OLD "PIG AND WHISTLE."

SO DID HIS FOREFATHERS
RIGHT BACK

TO THE REIGN
OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.

IT WAS ON ITS LAST LEGS
WHEN YOU SAW IT, SIR.

YOU HAVE DONE
A VERY GOOD JOB
WITH IT NOW, I MUST SAY.

IT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH ME, SIR.
I AM ONLY THE MANAGER.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT
IF I WERE TO TELL YOU
THE STORY.

BUT I MUSTN'T DISTURB YOU
TALKING.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

MY DEAR FELLOW,
FIRE AWAY.

WELL...

ONE DAY A WOMAN CAME HERE
AND ASKED FOR A JOB
AS A SCULLERY MAID.

MY FATHER DIDN'T HAVE
THE NERVE TO TURN HER OUT.

HE SAID SHE MIGHT
JUST TRY FOR A DAY OR TWO.

SO SHE STARTED IN.

SHE WASHED TWO DISHES
AND SHE BROKE SIX.

MY POOR OLD MOTHER
WAS FURIOUS--

SHE THOUGHT
THE WORLD OF HER DISHES.

SHE SAID THAT AS THE GIRL
HAD BROKEN THEM,

SHE SHOULD PAY FOR THEM,
EVEN IF SHE HAD TO STAY
FOR A MONTH

AND HAVE THE PRICE STOPPED
OUT OF HER WAGES.

OFF WENT THE GIRL
TO READING AND CAME BACK

WITH A WHOLE LOT
OF NEW CROCKERY

THAT MADE
MY POOR OLD MOTHER CRY.

SHE SAID THAT WE
WOULD BE DISGRACED FOR EVER

IF WE WERE TO EVER
SERVE ANYTHING

ON SUCH
OLD-FASHIONED THINGS.

BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY,
AN AMERICAN LADY

WITH A BOATING PARTY
BOUGHT THEM
STRAIGHT OFF THE TABLE

FOR THREE TIMES
WHAT THEY COST,

AND MY POOR MOTHER
NEVER DARED TO SAY
ANOTHER WORD.

FROM THEN ON,
THE SCULLERY MAID

TOOK THINGS
INTO HER OWN HANDS

IN A WAY THAT WE
COULD NEVER HAVE DONE.

IT WAS CRUEL FOR US,

BUT WE COULDN'T DENY
THAT SHE WAS ALWAYS RIGHT.

CRUEL!
WHAT WAS THERE CRUEL

IN GETTING
NICE CROCKERY FOR YOU?

OH, IT WASN'T
ONLY THAT, MADAM,

THAT PART WAS EASY
AND PLEASANT ENOUGH.

BUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH
THE OLD "PIG AND WHISTLE"

WAS NOT SO MUCH
THE OLD THICK PLATE

WHICH TOOK AWAY
YOUR APPETITE.

BUT IT WAS THE OLD PEOPLE

THAT IT HAD GATHERED
ABOUT ITSELF,

WHO WERE PAST THEIR WORK
AND HAVE NEVER BEEN

UP TO MUCH
ACCORDING TO MODERN IDEAS.

THE SCULLERY MAID
SIMPLY TOLD THEM

THE TRUTH
ABOUT THEMSELVES,

AND IT CUT THEM TO PIECES.

FOR IT WAS THE TRUTH,

AND I COULDN'T DENY IT.

THE OLD MAN HAD TO GIVE IN

BECAUSE HE HAD RAISED
MONEY ON HIS FREEHOLD

AND WAS AT HIS WITS' END

TO KNOW HOW TO PAY BACK
HIS MORTGAGE INTEREST.

BEFORE WE KNEW
WHAT WAS HAPPENING,

THE SCULLERY MAID
HAD PAID OFF THE MORTGAGE

AND HAD COMPLETELY
GOT THE WHIP HAND
OF ALL OF US.

"IT'S TIME FOR YOU TWO
TO SELL YOUR FREEHOLD

AND RETIRE," SHE SAID.

"YOU ARE DOING
NO GOOD HERE."

OH, THAT WAS DREADFUL,

TO ROOT THEM UP
LIKE THAT.

WELL, IT WAS HARD,
BUT IT WAS THE TRUTH.

AND NOW THE HOUSE
IS A CREDIT
TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND GIVES MORE EMPLOYMENT
THAN EVER

"THE OLD PIG" DID,
EVEN IN ITS BEST DAYS.

AND I AM THE MANAGER
WITH A SALARY

AND A PERCENTAGE
BEYOND ANYTHING

THAT I COULD HAVE
EVER DREAMT OF.

AND ARE THE OLD PEOPLE
CONTENTED AND HAPPY?

WELL, NO.

THE CHANGE
WAS TOO MUCH FOR THEM

AT THEIR TIME OF LIFE.

MY FATHER HAD A STROKE

AND IS NOT LIKELY
TO RECOVER.

AND MY MOTHER
HAS GONE A BIT SILLY.

BUT IT WAS BEST
FOR THEM,

AND THEY HAVE
ALL THE COMFORTS
THAT THEY CARE FOR.

THAT'S
A VERY MOVING TALE.

MORE SO THAN YOU THINK,
MY DEAR FELLOW,

BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO KNOW
A WOMAN OF THAT STAMP.

OH, BY THE WAY,
I TELEGRAPHED
A FRIEND OF MINE

TO COME AND SPEND
THE WEEKEND HERE,
A MR. SAGAMORE.

I TRUST THERE'LL BE
A ROOM FOR HIM.

OH, THAT WILL BE
QUITE ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, SIR.

HAVE YOU MANY PEOPLE STAYING
IN THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND?

LESS THAN USUAL,
MADAM.

WE HAVE
AN EGYPTIAN DOCTOR

WHO TAKES
HIS MEALS HERE.

THEN, THERE IS
ANOTHER GENTLEMAN,
AN INVALID.

HE'S JUST
BEEN DISCHARGED

FROM THE COTTAGE
HOSPITAL.

THE EGYPTIAN DOCTOR
RECOMMENDED
OUR CHEF TO HIM,

AND HE TAKES
HIS MEALS HERE, TOO.

AND THAT IS ALL,
MADAM,

UNLESS SOME
FRESH VISITORS
ARRIVE.

WELL, I SUPPOSE
WE'LL HAVE TO PUT UP
WITH THEM.

I AM SORRY TO TROUBLE YOU,
SIR, BUT YOU CAME IN

THIS MORNING
WITHOUT SIGNING
THE VISITORS' BOOK.

I HAVE BROUGHT IT,
AND I WONDERED
IF YOU'LL BE--

YES, OF COURSE.
I'M SO SORRY.

RIGHT.

UH..

THERE WE ARE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH,
SIR.

OH, INDEED, SIR!
WE ARE HONORED.

ANYTHING WRONG?
OH, NO, SIR,
NOTHING WRONG.

QUITE THE CONTRARY.

MR. AND MRS.
FITZFASSENDEN.

IT'S SUCH
AN UNUSUAL NAME.

HAVE I THE HONOR
OF ENTERTAINING
THE CELEBRATED--

YES, WELL, I AM
THE BOXING CHAMPION

AND THE TENNIS
CHAMPION.

BUT, YOU SEE,
I AM HERE ON HOLIDAY

AND I'D RATHER NOT--
NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING MORE

OR REFER TO IT.

I QUITE UNDERSTAND, SIR.

I WOULDN'T
HAVE MENTIONED IT,

BUT THAT THE PROPRIETRESS
OF THIS HOTEL,

THE LADY
THAT I SPOKE TO YOU OF,

IS A MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

WHAT? LET ME OUT OF THIS!

SEEDY, PACK THE BAGS!

I WANT MY BILL,
PLEASE, INSTANTLY.

CERTAINLY, SIR.
BUT SHE IS NOT HERE
AT PRESENT,

AND I DO NOT EXPECT HER
THIS WEEKEND.

OH, DON'T FUSS,
ALLY.

BUT THE WEEKEND
IS SPOILED!

MAY I SAY, SIR,
THAT SHE WON'T COME.

SHE'S GIVEN UP
PAYING US
UNEXPECTED VISITS

NOW THAT SHE KNOWS
THAT SHE CAN DEPEND ON ME.

ALASTAIR! MISS SMITH!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN,
SAGAMORE?

YOU NEVER TOLD ME
WHO YOU WERE
BRINGING ME TO SEE.

YOU SAID TWO FRIENDS.

WELL, MR. BLENDERBLAND.
WE ARE PLEASED TO SEE YOU.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

ADRIAN...
WHAT HAS HAPPENED?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO YOURSELF?

EVERYONE ASKS ME
WHAT I HAVE DONE
TO MYSELF.

I HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING TO MYSELF.

I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN
THIS AND THIS.

THEY ARE WHAT YOUR WIFE
HAS DONE TO ME.

THAT IS WHY SAGAMORE
SHOULD NOT
HAVE BROUGHT ME HERE.

DEAR FELLOW,
I REALLY AM
FRIGHTFULLY SORRY.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN,
MR. BLENDERBLAND?

COME AND REST YOURSELF
ON THIS COUCH.

DEAR, DEAR.

WE DON'T MIND WHAT
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN DOES.

BUT I DO.
YOU ARE MOST KIND,

BUT I CANNOT CLAIM
THE PRIVILEGE
OF A FRIEND

AND AT THE SAME TIME
BE THE PLAINTIFF

IN AN ACTION
FOR ASSAULT AND BATTERY.

YES, YOU CAN.
THERE'S NOTHING NEW
ABOUT THE SITUATION.

NOW DO COME
AND MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE, ADRIAN.

WELL...

IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

AND I REALLY CAN'T STAND
ANY LONGER.

BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY SAGAMORE

SHOULD HAVE PLAYED
SUCH A TRICK ON ME.

AND, OF COURSE,
ON YOU, TOO.

WELL, THE TRUTH
OF THE MATTER IS

THAT BLENDERBLAND
WON'T BE REASONABLE.

SO I THOUGHT YOU TWO
MIGHT HELP ME TO
BRING HIM TO HIS SENSES.

IT'S NO USE, SAGAMORE.
2,500 POUNDS AND COSTS.

NOT A PENNY LESS.

TOO MUCH.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

2,500 POUNDS
AND MEDICAL EXPENSES
AND COSTS.

AND CAB FARE
TO THE COTTAGE
HOSPITAL, I SUPPOSE.

MMM? NO, I WENT
IN HER OWN CAR.

BUT NOW YOU MENTION IT,
I TIPPED THE CHAUFFEUR.

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME.
IT IS NOT THE MONEY I MIND.

IT IS THE PRINCIPLE
OF THE THING.

IT IS A QUESTION OF HONOR,
OF SELF-RESPECT.

BUT HOW DO YOU ARRIVE
AT THE FIGURE?

WHY IS YOUR HONOR
AND SELF-RESPECT

WORTH 2,500 POUNDS
AND NOT...

2,500 MILLIONS?

MY BROTHER GOT 2,500 POUNDS
FROM THE RAILWAY COMPANY

WHEN AN ELECTRIC TRUCK
BUTTED INTO HIM

ON THE PLATFORM
AT PADDINGTON STATION.

I WILL NOT LET EPIFANIA
OFF WITH LESS.

IT WAS AN UNPROVOKED,
BRUTAL, COWARDLY ASSAULT.

I AM EXTREMELY
SORRY, SIR,

BUT MRS. FITZFASSENDEN
IS OUTSIDE

WITH THE EGYPTIAN
DOCTOR.
Adrian: WHAT?

Manager: I REALLY
DID NOT EXPECT HER.

YOU HAVE ALLOWED
MY HUSBAND

TO BRING A WOMAN
TO MY HOTEL

AND REGISTER HER
IN MY NAME.

YOU ARE FIRED.

I AM EXTREMELY
SORRY, MADAM.

I HAD NO IDEA
THAT THE GENTLEMAN
WAS YOUR HUSBAND.

HOWEVER,
YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO GO AT ONCE,

OR SHALL I STAY
UNTIL YOU CAN REPLACE ME?

I DO NOT WISH YOU
TO GO AT ALL.

YOU ARE RE-ENGAGED.

THROW THEM BOTH OUT
INSTANTLY.

( laughs )
YOUR MANAGER
CANNOT THROW ALASTAIR OUT.

ALASTAIR CAN THROW
ALL OF US OUT,
IF IT COMES TO THAT.

( chuckling )

AS TO MISS SMITH,
THIS IS A LICENSED HOUSE,

AND SHE HAS AS MUCH RIGHT
TO BE HERE AS YOU OR I.

I SHALL SET FIRE
TO THE HOTEL
IF NECESSARY.

HALLO!
ADRIAN HERE, TOO!

WHAT HAS HAPPENED
TO YOUR HEAD?

WHAT ARE
THOSE STICKS FOR?

SEND FOR THE DOCTOR
AT ONCE.

HAVE YOU HURT
YOURSELF?

HURT MYSELF?
HURT MYSELF!

HAS HE BEEN RUN OVER?

THIS WOMAN
HAS HALF KILLED ME,

AND SHE ASKS ME
HAVE I HURT MYSELF!

I FELL DOWN
THE WHOLE FLIGHT
OF STAIRS.

MY ANKLE WAS SPRAINED.
MY KNEE WAS TWISTED.

THE SMALL BONE
OF MY LEG WAS BROKEN.

MY SPINE WAS RICKED.

I HAD TO GIVE THEM
A SUBSCRIPTION

AT THE COTTAGE HOSPITAL,
WHERE YOUR MAN TOOK ME.

I HAD TO GO FROM THERE
TO A NURSING HOME.

TWELVE GUINEAS A WEEK.

I HAD TO CALL IN
THREE HARLEY STREET
SURGEONS,

AND NONE OF THEM
KNEW ANYTHING

ABOUT DISLOCATED KNEES.

THEY WANTED
TO CUT MY KNEE OPEN.

I HAD TO GO
TO A BONESETTER.

AND HE CHARGED ME
50 GUINEAS.

WELL, WHY DID YOU NOT
WALK DOWNSTAIRS PROPERLY?

WERE YOU DRUNK?

I--I--

UH! HE DECLARES
THAT HIS INJURIES

WERE INFLICTED BY YOU

WHEN YOU LAST MET,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

BY ME! AM I
A PRIZEFIGHTER?

AM I A COAL-HEAVER?
BOTH.

DO YOU DENY
THAT YOU ASSAULTED HIM?

OF COURSE I DENY IT.

ANYTHING MORE MONSTROUS
I HAVE NEVER HEARD.

WHAT HAPPENED
WAS HE INSULTED
MY FATHER GROSSLY.

IT WAS MOST UNPROVOKED.

AT A MOMENT
WHEN I HAD EVERY REASON

TO EXPECT
THE UTMOST TENDERNESS
FROM HIM.

THE BLOOD
RUSHED TO MY HEAD,
AND THE NEXT THING

I REMEMBER WAS
I WAS LYING
ACROSS THE TABLE

TREMBLING, DYING.

THE DOCTOR WHO FOUND ME
WILL TELL YOU
WHAT MY CONDITION WAS.

I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOUR CONDITION WAS.

WHAT CONDITION
DID YOUR CHAUFFEUR
FIND ME IN?

HE IS TAKING AN ACTION
AGAINST YOU.

AN ACTION! VERY WELL.

YOU KNOW
MY INVARIABLE RULE.

FIGHT HIM
TO THE LAST DITCH,

NO MATTER WHAT
IT COSTS.

TAKE HIM
TO THE HOUSE OF LORDS
IF NECESSARY.

WE SHALL SEE WHOSE PURSE
HOLDS OUT LONGEST.

I WILL NOT BE
BLACKMAILED.

YOU THINK
YOUR FATHER'S MONEY

PLACES YOU
ABOVE THE LAW?

AGAIN!

NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!
NONE OF THAT.

TOKO, MY GIRL, TOKO.

Sagamore: TOKO!
WHAT IS TOKO?

OH, SHE KNOWS.

TOKO IS AN
INFALLIBLE MEDICINE

FOR CALMING
THE NERVES.

A BLOW
IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS
AND A DAY IN BED,

THAT IS TOKO.

YOU ARE A WITNESS,
MR. SAGAMORE,

HOW I GO IN FEAR
OF MY HUSBAND'S
BRUTAL VIOLENCE.

HE CAN TORTURE ME,
BATTER ME, KILL ME.

HE IS STRONGER
THAN I AM.

IT IS THE LAST ARGUMENT
OF THE LOWER NATURE

AGAINST THE HIGHER.

MY INNOCENCE
IS USELESS.

DO YOUR WORST.

QUITE SAFE NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Adrian: NOW YOU KNOW
HOW I FEEL.
IT SERVES YOU RIGHT.

I DO NOT WISH
TO HEAR ANYMORE

ABOUT BLENDERBLAND'S
RIDICULOUS INJURIES.

Sagamore: DO BE
A LITTLE REASONABLE,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

HOW ARE WE TO DISCUSS
THE COMPENSATION

DUE TO MR. BLENDERBLAND

WITHOUT MENTIONING
HIS INJURIES?

THERE IS NO COMPENSATION
DUE TO MR. BLENDERBLAND.

HE DESERVED WHAT HE GOT,
WHATEVER IT WAS.

BUT HE WILL TAKE
AN ACTION AGAINST YOU.

THEN TAKE ONE
AGAINST HIM FIRST.

WHAT FOR?

OHH, NEVER MIND.
I DON'T CARE.

DON'T BOTHER ME
ABOUT IT.

CLAIM 20,000-POUND DAMAGES.

I TELL YOU
I WILL NOT BE BLACKMAILED.

NEITHER WILL I!

I AM ENTITLED
TO COMPENSATION

AND I MEAN TO HAVE IT!

YOU ARE NOT--
STEADY! STEADY! PLEASE.

CANNOT ADVISE
NEITHER OF YOU
TO GO TO LAW,

BUT QUITE SERIOUSLY,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN,

MR. BLENDERBLAND
IS ENTITLED
TO SOME COMPENSATION.

UGH!
THERE.

YOU CAN AFFORD IT.

MR. SAGAMORE,
A WOMAN AS RICH AS I AM

CANNOT AFFORD ANYTHING.

I HAVE TO FIGHT TO KEEP
EVERY PENNY I POSSESS.

EVERY BLACKMAILER,
EVERY SWINDLER,

EVERY CHARITY,
EVERY TESTIMONIAL,

EVERY POLITICAL CAUSE,
EVERY LEAGUE

AND BROTHERHOOD
AND SISTERHOOD,

EVERY CHURCH AND CHAPEL,

EVERY INSTITUTION
OF EVERY KIND ON EARTH

IS BUSY
FROM MORNING TO NIGHT

TRYING TO BLEED ME
TO DEATH.

IF I WEAKEN FOR A MOMENT,
IF I LET A FARTHING GO,

I SHALL BE DESTITUTE
BY THE END OF THE MONTH.

I SUBSCRIBE
ONE GUINEA A YEAR

TO THE INCOME TAX PAYERS'
DEFENSE FUND,

BUT THAT IS ALL,
ABSOLUTELY ALL.

MY STANDING
INSTRUCTIONS TO YOU

ARE TO FIGHT EVERY ACTION

AND TO FORESTALL
EVERY CLAIM FOR DAMAGES

WITH A COUNTER-CLAIM
FOR 20 TIMES THE AMOUNT.

THAT IS THE ONLY WAY
I CAN WRITE ACROSS THE SKY,

"HANDS OFF MY MONEY."

YOU SEE, MR. BLENDERBLAND,
IT'S NO USE.

YOU MUST WITHDRAW
YOUR THREAT OF AN ACTION.

I WON'T.
YOU WILL. YOU MUST.

OH, WE ARE WASTING TIME.

GIVE HIM A 10-POUND NOTE
AND BE DONE WITH IT.

A 10-POUND NOTE?

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN!
YES, A 10-POUND NOTE.

NO MAN CAN RESIST
A 10-POUND NOTE

IF YOU CRACKLE IT
UNDER HIS NOSE.

BUT HE WANTS 2,500.

TWO--
NOT A PENNY LESS.

ADRIAN, MY CHILD,
I HAVE UNDERRATED YOU.

YOUR CHEEK,
YOUR GLUTTONY,

YOUR OBSTINACY
IMPOSE RESPECT UPON ME.

I THREW A HALF-BAKED
GENTLEMAN DOWN THE STAIRS,

AND MY CHAUFFEUR
PICKED HIM UP
OFF THE MAT

A MAGNIFICENTLY
COMPLETE SKUNK!

5,000 FOR THAT,
SAGAMORE, DO YOU HEAR?

PLEASE, PLEASE,
DO KEEP YOUR TEMPER.

KEEP YOUR OWN TEMPER!
HAS SHE LAMED YOU FOR LIFE?

HAS SHE RAISED
A BUMP ON YOUR HEAD?

HAS SHE CALLED YOU
A SKUNK?

NO, BUT SHE MAY
AT ANY MOMENT.

OH, MY SAGAMORE!
MY TREASURE!

SHALL I GIVE HIM
5,000

ON CONDITION HE TURN IT
INTO ONE MILLION

IN SIX MONTHS?
( chuckles )

I WILL DO
WHAT I LIKE WITH IT.

I WILL HAVE IT
UNCONDITIONALLY.

( chuckles )

UH, MR. BLENDERBLAND,
IT'S A MISTAKE

TO GO INTO COURT
IN THE CHARACTER OF A MAN

WHO HAS BEEN CALLED
A SKUNK.

IT IS ALSO VERY DIFFICULT
FOR A PLAINTIFF

TO GET SYMPATHY
IN THE CHARACTER OF A MAN

WHO HAS BEEN THRASHED
BY A WOMAN.

NOW, IF MRS. FITZFASSENDEN
HAD STABBED YOU,

OR SHOT YOU,
OR POISONED YOU,

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
QUITE IN ORDER.

YOUR DIGNITY
WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN
COMPROMISED.

BUT MRS. FITZFASSENDEN
KNOWS BETTER.

SHE WOULD COME INTO COURT
BEAUTIFULLY DRESSED,

LOOKING HER BEST.

AND LONG BEFORE
WE CAN GET THE CASE
INTO THE LIST,

THE BUMP ON YOUR HEAD
WILL HAVE SUBSIDED,

YOUR BROKEN BONE
WILL HAVE SET,

AND THE COLOR
WILL HAVE COME BACK
TO YOUR...

UM, TO YOUR CHEEKS.

SO UNLESS YOU CAN PROVOKE
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN

TO ASSAULT YOU AGAIN
THE DAY BEFORE THE TRIAL--

AND SHE IS FAR TOO CLEVER
FOR THAT--

THE CHANCES ARE
A MILLION TO ONE
AGAINST YOU.

YES, BLENDERBLAND.
YOU WOULDN'T STAND
A DOG'S CHANCE.

ALASTAIR'S QUITE RIGHT.

ASK HER NICELY,
AND PERHAPS SHE'LL PAY
YOUR EXPENSES.

( gasps )
IS THERE NO JUSTICE

FOR A MAN
AGAINST A WOMAN?

BELIEVE ME, NO.
NOT AGAINST
A MILLIONAIRESS.

AND WHAT JUSTICE
IS THERE
FOR A MILLIONAIRESS,

I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW?

IN THE COURTS--
I WAS NOT TALKING
OF THE COURTS.

I WAS SPEAKING
OF THE JUSTICE
OF HEAVEN.

OH, LORD!
NOW WE'RE FOR IT.

ALASTAIR,
HOW CAN YOU JEER AT ME?

IS IT JUST BECAUSE
I AM A MILLIONAIRESS,

I CANNOT KEEP MY HUSBAND,
CANNOT KEEP EVEN A LOVER,

CANNOT KEEP ANYTHING
EXCEPT MY MONEY?

THERE YOU SIT
BEFORE MY VERY EYES,

SNUGGLING UP
TO THAT INSIGNIFICANT

LITTLE NOTHINGNESS

WHO CANNOT AFFORD
HER OWN STOCKINGS,

AND YOU ARE HAPPY,
AND SHE IS HAPPY.

HERE IS THIS...

SUIT OF CLOTHES
ON TWO STICKS.

WHAT DOES IT CONTAIN?

OHH, LET ME ALONE,
WILL YOU?

SOMETHING THAT ONCE
RESEMBLED A MAN,

SOMETHING THAT LIKED
LENDING ME 5-POUND NOTES

AND NEVER ASKED ME
TO REPAY THEM. WHY?

KINDNESS TO ME?
LOVE OF ME?

NO! THE SWANK
OF A POOR MAN

LENDING
TO A MILLIONAIRESS.

IN MY DIVINE WRATH,
I SMASHED HIM

AS A CHILD SMASHES
A DISAPPOINTING TOY,

AND WHEN HE WAS
BROUGHT DOWN
TO HIS REAL SELF,

I FOUND I WAS NOT
A WOMAN TO HIM.

I WAS A BANK ACCOUNT
WITH A GOOD COOK.

THAT'S ALL
VERY WELL, DEAR,

BUT THE TRUTH IS
NO ONE CAN LIVE
WITH YOU.

AND ANYONE
CAN LIVE WITH YOU.

AND APPARENTLY
YOU CAN LIVE
WITH ANYONE.

Alastair:
WHAT SEEDY SAYS
IS GOD'S TRUTH.

NOBODY
COULD LIVE WITH YOU.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Sagamore:
DO BE REASONABLE,
MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

CAN ONE LIVE
WITH A TORNADO?

WITH AN EARTHQUAKE?
WITH AN AVALANCHE?

YES.
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

LIVE ON THE SLOPES
OF VOLCANOES,

IN THE TRACK
OF AVALANCHES,

ON LAND THROWN UP
ONLY YESTERDAY

BY EARTHQUAKES.

BUT
WITH A MILLIONAIRESS

WHO CAN RISE
TO HER DESTINY

AND WIELD THE POWER
HER MONEY GIVES HER, NO.

WELL, BE IT SO.

I SHALL LIVE
IN MY LONELY
LITTLE HOUSE

AND BE MYSELF
UNTIL I FIND A MAN

GOOD ENOUGH TO BE TO ME

WHAT ALASTAIR
IS TO SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

WELL, I HOPE
YOU WON'T
HAVE TO WAIT

TOO LONG, DEAR.

I NEVER WAIT.
I MARCH ON.

AND WHEN I COME UPON
ANYTHING I WANT,

I GRAB IT.

I GRABBED YOU, ALASTAIR.

I FIND HE DOES NOT
SUIT ME.

HE BEATS ME--
ONLY
IN SELF-DEFENSE.

I NEVER LAID
A FINGER ON YOU EXCEPT
IN SELF-DEFENSE.

YES, YOU ARE LIKE
ALL THE GREAT
EUROPEAN POWERS,

YOU ONLY FIGHT
IN SELF-DEFENSE.

YOU DO NOT SUIT.

I THROW YOU TO
GREEDY-SEEDY-STOCKINGS,

YOU CAN PUNCH HER ABOUT
TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT.

MR. SAGAMORE,
ARRANGE THE DIVORCE.

CRUELTY AND ADULTERY.

OOH, BUT I DON'T
LIKE THIS.

IT'S NOT FAIR
TO ALASTAIR.

WHY SHOULD HE
BE DIVORCED
INSTEAD OF YOU?

MR. SAGAMORE,
TAKE AN ACTION

AGAINST
MISS PATRICIA SMITH

FOR ALIENATING
MY HUSBAND'S AFFECTIONS.

DAMAGES 20,000 POUNDS.

OH, MR. SAGAMORE,
IS SUCH A THING
POSSIBLE?

I AM AFRAID
IT IS, MISS SMITH.

QUITE POSSIBLE.

WELL, MY DEAR
OLD FATHER

USED TO SAY
THAT IN THE LAW COURTS

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY
TO BEAT THE PEOPLE

WHO HAVE
UNLIMITED MONEY,

AND THAT IS TO HAVE
NO MONEY AT ALL.

YOU CAN'T GET 20,000
OUT OF ME.

DAMN YOUR OLD FATHER!
( laughs )

Alastair: THERE'S
ONE FOR YOU, EPPY.

I AM AFRAID THE LAUGH
IS WITH OLD MR. SMITH,

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

BECAUSE WHERE
THERE IS NOTHING,

THE KING
LOSES HIS RIGHTS.

OH, I CAN BEAR
NO MORE OF THIS.

I SHALL LIVE
IN UTTER LONELINESS

UNTIL I FIND
THE RIGHT MAN--

THE MATE CREATED FOR ME
IN HEAVEN.

HE MUST BE SOMEWHERE.

THE MANAGER SAYS
I AM WANTED HERE.

WHO WANTS ME?

I WANT YOU. COME HERE.

SOMETHING WRONG WITH
YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE, EH?

OH!

I HAVE NEVER FELT
SUCH A PULSE.

IT IS LIKE A SLOW
SLEDGE HAMMER.

IS MY PULSE MY FAULT?

NO. IT IS
THE WILL OF ALLAH.

ALL OUR PULSES
ARE PART
OF THE WILL OF ALLAH.

NOW, LOOK HERE.
YOU KNOW, DOC,

THAT WON'T GO DOWN
IN THIS COUNTRY.

WE DON'T BELIEVE
IN ALLAH.

THAT DOES NOT DISCONCERT
ALLAH IN THE LEAST,

MY FRIEND.

THE PULSE BEATS STILL,
SLOW, STRONG.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE WOMAN,
BUT I LOVE YOUR PULSE.

I HAVE NEVER FELT
ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE.

FANCY THAT!
HE LOVES HER PULSE.

I AM A DOCTOR.

WOMEN AS YOU FANCY THEM
ARE NOTHING TO ME

BUT BUNDLES OF AILMENTS.

BUT THE LIFE,
THE PULSE,

IS THE HEARTBEAT
OF ALLAH,

SAVE IN WHOM
THERE IS NO MAJESTY
AND NO MIGHT.

MY PULSE
WILL NEVER CHANGE,

THIS IS THE LOVE
I CRAVE FOR.

I WILL MARRY YOU.

MR. SAGAMORE,
TAKE OUT
A SPECIAL LICENSE

THE MOMENT
YOU HAVE GOT RID
OF ALASTAIR.

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE.
WE ARE BOUND
BY OUR VOWS.

WELL, HAVE I NOT PASSED
YOUR MOTHER'S TEST?

I CAME TO THIS HOTEL
A SCULLERY MAID.

I AM NOW ITS OWNER.

BUT WHAT OF THE OLD PEOPLE
WHOSE NATURAL HOME

THIS PLACE HAD BECOME?

THE OLD MAN,
THE OLD WOMAN?

WAS NOT THIS PREYING
ON THE POVERTY
OF THE POOR?

SHALL I,
A SERVANT OF ALLAH,

LIVE ON SUCH GAINS?

I HAVE TO TAKE THE WORLD
AS I FIND IT.

THE WRATH OF ALLAH
SHALL OVERTAKE THOSE

WHO LEAVE THIS WORLD
NO BETTER
THAN THEY FOUND IT.

I THINK ALLAH LOVES THOSE
WHO MAKE MONEY.

ALL THE EVIDENCE
IS THAT WAY, CERTAINLY.

I DO NOT SEE IT SO.

I SEE THAT RICHES
ARE A CURSE,

POVERTY IS A CURSE.

AND ONLY
IN THE SERVICE OF ALLAH

IS THERE RIGHTEOUSNESS,
JUSTICE, AND HAPPINESS.

BUT ALL THIS TALK
IS IDLE.

THIS LADY
HAS EASILY FULFILLED

THE CONDITIONS
IMPOSED BY MY MOTHER.

BUT I HAVE NOT FULFILLED
THE CONDITIONS IMPOSED

BY THE LADY'S FATHER.
YOU NEED NOT TROUBLE.

I CAN SHOW YOU
HOW TO TURN 150
INTO 50,000.

YOU CANNOT. IT IS GONE.

YOU CANNOT
HAVE SPENT IT ALL.

YOU WHO LIVE
LIKE A MOUSE.

THERE MUST BE
SOME OF IT LEFT.

NOT A PENNY.
NOT A PIASTER. ALLAH--

OH, BOTHER ALLAH!
WHAT DID YOU WITH IT?

ALLAH IS NEVER BOTHERED.

ON THAT AFTERNOON
WHEN YOU LEFT ME

TO EARN YOUR OWN LIVING,

I CALLED UPON THE MERCIFUL,
THE COMPASSIONATE,

TO REVEAL TO ME
WHETHER YOU WERE NOT

ONE OF THE STROKES
OF HIS INFINITE HUMOR.

THEN I SAT DOWN
AND TOOK UP A NEWSPAPER.

AND BEHOLD! A PARAGRAPH
HEADED "WILLS AND BEQUESTS."

I READ A NAME
THAT I CANNOT REMEMBER,

A MRS. SOMEBODY
OF CLAPHAM PARK--

122,000 POUNDS.

SHE HAD NEVER DONE
ANYTHING

BUT LIVE
IN CLAPHAM PARK,

AND SHE LEFT
122,000 POUNDS.

BUT WHAT WAS
THE SECOND NAME?

IT WAS THAT
OF THE TEACHER

WHO CHANGED
MY WHOLE LIFE

AND GAVE ME A NEW SOUL

BY OPENING THE WORLD
OF SCIENCE TO ME.

I WAS HIS ASSISTANT
FOR FOUR YEARS.

HE USED TO MAKE
HIS OWN APPARATUS

FOR HIS EXPERIMENTS,

AND THEN ONE DAY,

HE NEEDED
A FILAMENT OF METAL

THAT WOULD RESIST
A TEMPERATURE

THAT WOULD MELT PLATINUM
LIKE SEALING WAX.

BUY THE PATENT

IF IT HASN'T BEEN
SNAPPED UP ALREADY.

HE BELIEVED THAT KNOWLEDGE
IS NO MAN'S PROPERTY.

AND HE HAD
NEITHER TIME NOR MONEY

TO SPEND
IN PATENT OFFICES.

MILLIONS HAVE BEEN MADE

OUT OF THAT DISCOVERY
OF HIS

BY PEOPLE WHO CARE
NOTHING ABOUT SCIENCE

AND EVERYTHING
ABOUT MONEY.

HE LEFT 400 POUNDS
AND A WIDOW.

THAT GOOD WOMAN
WHO HAD BEEN
A SECOND MOTHER TO ME.

A SHILLING A DAY
FOR HER AT MOST,

NOT EVEN ONE PIASTER
AN HOUR.

THAT COMES OF MARRYING
AN INCOMPETENT DREAMER.

NO. THE MERCIFUL,
THE COMPASSIONATE

HEARD
THE WIDOW'S PRAYER.

LISTEN. I ONCE CURED
A PRIME MINISTER

WHEN HE IMAGINED
HIMSELF TO BE ILL.

I WENT TO HIM
AND TOLD HIM

THAT IT WAS THE WILL
OF ALLAH

THAT THE WIDOW
SHOULD RECEIVE
A CIVIL PENSION.

SHE RECEIVED IT.
100 POUNDS.

I WENT TO THE GREAT
METALLURGICAL TRUST,

WHICH EXPLOITS
HIS DISCOVERY,

AND TOLD THEM
THAT HER POVERTY

WAS A SCANDAL
IN THE FACE OF ALLAH.

THEY WERE RICH
AND GENEROUS.

THEY MADE
A SPECIAL ISSUE

OF FOUNDERS' SHARES

WORTH 300 POUNDS
A YEAR TO HER.

BUT ALL THIS TOOK TIME.

THE ILLNESS,
THE NURSE, THE FUNERAL,

THE DISPOSAL
OF THE LABORATORY,

THE CHANGE
TO A CHEAPER LODGING

HAD LEFT HER
WITHOUT A PENNY.

BETWEEN THE DEATH
AND THE PENSIONS,

THERE WAS A GAP
EXACTLY 150 POUNDS WIDE.

HE WHO IS JUST AND EXACT

SUPPLIED THAT SUM

THROUGH YOUR CHAUFFEUR'S
HANDS AND THROUGH MINE.

IT REJOICED MY HEART

AS MONEY HAS NEVER
REJOICED IT BEFORE.

BUT INSTEAD OF COMING
TO YOU WITH 50,000 POUNDS

I AM IN ARREARS
WITH MY BILL

FOR MY BREAD
IN YOUR HOTEL,

AND AM EXPECTING
EVERY DAY

TO BE TOLD
BY YOUR MANAGER

THAT THIS CANNOT GO ON,

I MUST SETTLE.

Alastair: WELL,
YOU DIDN'T DO VERY WELL
FOR YOURSELF,

BUT YOU DID WELL--
VERY WELL FOR THE WIDOW.

AND YOU ESCAPED EPPY.

I MEAN,
SHE WON'T MARRY YOU
WITH EMPTY POCKETS.

PRAY WHY?

50,000 MUST HAVE BEEN
MADE TEN TIMES OVER

IN THAT DISCOVERY.

AND THE DOCTOR,
IN PUTTING MY 150 POUNDS

IN THE WIDOW'S
NECESSARY EXPENSES,

MAY BE SAID TO HAVE MADE
A RETROSPECTIVE INVESTMENT

IN THAT DISCOVERY,

AND HAS SHOWN
THE GREATEST ABILITY

IN THE AFFAIR,
HAS HE NOT,
MR. SAGAMORE?

UNQUESTIONABLY.

HE HAS SETTLED
THE WIDOW'S AFFAIRS
TO PERFECTION.

BUT I AM IN DEBT
FOR MY FOOD.

WELL, IF IT COMES TO THAT,
AM IN DEBT FOR MY FOOD.

I GOT A LETTER THIS MORNING
FROM MY PURVEYORS

SAYING THAT I HAVE PAID THEM
NOTHING FOR TWO YEARS,

AND THAT IF I DO NOT
SEND THEM SOMETHING
ON ACCOUNT,

THEY WILL BE OBLIGED
TO RESORT TO THE PREMISES.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

SELL MY FURNITURE.

YOU CANNOT SELL MINE,
I AM AFRAID.

I HAVE HARDLY ANY.

IF YOU HAVE A STICK,
SHE WILL SELL IT.

SHE IS THE MEANEST WOMAN
IN ENGLAND.

THAT IS WHY
I AM ALSO THE RICHEST.

MR. SAGAMORE,
MY MIND IS MADE UP,

I WILL MARRY
THIS DOCTOR.

ASCERTAIN HIS NAME

AND MAKE THE NECESSARY
ARRANGEMENTS.

YOU TAKE CARE, DOCTOR.

SHE IS UNFAITHFUL
TO HER HUSBAND

IN WANTING TO MARRY YOU.

SHE FLIRTED WITH ME,
TOOK ME DOWN THE RIVER

AND MADE ME BELIEVE
I WAS TO BE
ALASTAIR'S SUCCESSOR

LONG BEFORE
EVER SHE SAW YOU.

SEE WHAT SHE HAS DONE
TO ME.

SHE WILL DO
THE SAME TO YOU

WHEN THE NEXT MAN
TAKES HER FANCY.

WHAT HAVE YOU
TO SAY TO THAT?

YOU MUST LEARN

TO TAKE CHANCES
IN THIS WORLD.

THIS DISAPPOINTED
PHILANDERER

TRIES TO FRIGHTEN YOU

WITH MY UNFAITHFULNESS.

HE HAS NEVER
BEEN MARRIED.

I HAVE.

AND I TELL YOU

IN THE VERY HAPPIEST
MARRIAGES

NOT A DAY PASSES

WITHOUT A THOUSAND MOMENTS

OF UNFAITHFULNESS.

YOU BEGIN BY THINKING
YOU HAVE ONE HUSBAND,

YOU FIND
YOU HAVE A DOZEN.

THERE IS THE CREATURE
YOU HATE AND DESPISE

AND ARE TIED TO FOR LIFE.

AND BEFORE BREAKFAST
IS OVER,

THE FOOL
SAYS SOMETHING NICE

AND BECOMES THE MAN
YOU ADMIRE AND LOVE.

AND BETWEEN
THESE EXTREMES,

THERE ARE
A THOUSAND DEGREES

WITH A DIFFERENT MAN
AND WOMAN

AT EACH OF THEM.

A WIFE IS ALL WOMEN
TO ONE MAN--

SHE IS EVERYTHING
THAT IS DEVILISH,

THE THORN IN HIS SIDE,

THE JEALOUS TERMAGANT,

THE DETECTIVE
DOGGING ALL HIS MOVEMENTS,

THE NAGGER, THE SCOLDER,
THE WORRIER.

HE HAS ONLY TO TELL HER
AN AFFECTIONATE LIE,

AND SHE BECOMES
HIS COMFORT,

HIS HELPER.

AT BEST,
HIS GREATEST TREASURE,

AT WORST, HIS TROUBLESOME
BUT BELOVED CHILD.

ALL WIVES
ARE ALL THESE WOMEN IN ONE.

ALL HUSBANDS,
ALL THESE MEN IN ONE.

WHAT DO
THE UNMARRIED KNOW

OF THIS INFINITELY
DANGEROUS,

HEART-TEARING
LIFE OF ADVENTURE

WE CALL MARRIAGE?

FACE IT AS YOU WOULD FACE
A DANGEROUS OPERATION.

HAVE YOU NOT PERFORMED
HUNDREDS OF THEM?

OF A SURETY,

THERE IS NO WIT
AND NO WISDOM

LIKE THAT OF A WOMAN
ENSNARING THE MATE

CHOSEN FOR HER BY ALLAH.

YET I AM VERY WELL
AS I AM.

WHY SHOULD I CHANGE?

I SHALL BE VERY HAPPY
AS AN OLD BACHELOR.

CAN YOU FEEL MY PULSE
EVERY DAY

AS AN OLD BACHELOR?

UH! I HAD FORGOTTEN
THE PULSE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

IT IS IRRESISTIBLE.

IT IS A PULSE
IN A HUNDRED THOUSAND.

I LOVE IT,
I CANNOT GIVE IT UP.

YOU WILL REGRET IT
TO THE LAST DAY
OF YOUR LIFE.

MR. SAGAMORE, YOU HAVE
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.

Patricia:
CONGRATULATIONS,
DARLING.