Original subtitles

ARE YOU JULIUS SAGAMORE, THE WORTHLESS NEPHEW

OF MY LATE SOLICITOR PONTIFEX SAGAMORE?

I DO NOT ADVERTISE MYSELF AS WORTHLESS.

BUT PONTIFEX SAGAMORE WAS MY UNCLE,

AND I'VE RETURNED FROM AUSTRALIA

TO SUCCEED TO AS MUCH OF HIS BUSINESS

AS I CAN PERSUADE HIS CLIENTS TO TRUST ME WITH.

I HAVE HEARD HIM SPEAK OF YOU.

AND I NATURALLY CONCLUDED THAT AS YOU HAD BEEN

PACKED OFF TO AUSTRALIA, YOU MUST BE WORTHLESS.

HOWEVER, IT DOES NOT MATTER

AS MY BUSINESS IS VERY SIMPLE.

I DESIRE TO MAKE MY WILL

LEAVING EVERYTHING I POSSESS TO MY HUSBAND.

YOU CAN HARDLY GO WRONG ABOUT THAT, I SUPPOSE.

I SHALL DO MY BEST. PRAY, SIT DOWN.

I SHALL SIT DOWN WHEN I FEEL TIRED.

AS YOU PLEASE.

WELL, BEFORE I DRAW UP THE WILL,

IT'LL BE NECESSARY FOR ME TO KNOW

WHO YOUR HUSBAND IS--

MY HUSBAND IS A FOOL AND A BLACKGUARD.

YOU WILL STATE THAT FACT IN THE WILL.

YOU WILL ADD THAT IT WAS HIS CONDUCT

THAT DROVE ME TO COMMIT SUICIDE. ( sniffs )

BUT YOU'VE NOT COMMITTED SUICIDE.

I SHALL HAVE WHEN THE WILL IS SIGNED.

OH, OF COURSE. QUITE SO.

HOW STUPID OF ME. AND HIS NAME?

HIS NAME IS ALASTAIR FITZFASSENDEN.

WHAT, THE AMATEUR TENNIS CHAMPION AND HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER?

DO YOU KNOW HIM?

EVERY MORNING, WE SWIM TOGETHER AT THE CLUB.

THE ACQUAINTANCE DOES YOU LITTLE CREDIT.

I HAD BETTER TELL YOU HE AND I ARE GREAT FRIENDS,

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

DO NOT CALL ME BY HIS DETESTABLE NAME.

PUT ME IN YOUR BOOKS AS EPIFANIA OGNISANTI DI PARERGA.

OH. I AM INDEED HONORED. PRAY BE SEATED.

SIT DOWN YOURSELF AND DON'T FUSS.

YES, IF YOU PREFER IT, CERTAINLY.

YOUR FATHER WAS A VERY WONDERFUL MAN, MADAM.

MY FATHER WAS THE GREATEST MAN

IN THE WORLD.

AND HE DIED A PAUPER.

I SHALL NEVER FORGIVE THE WORLD FOR THAT.

A PAUPER? YOU AMAZE ME.

IT WAS REPORTED THAT HE LEFT YOU,

HIS ONLY CHILD, 30 MILLIONS.

WHAT WAS 30 MILLIONS TO HIM?

HE LOST 150 MILLIONS.

HE PROMISED TO LEAVE ME 200 MILLIONS.

I WAS LEFT WITH A BEGGARLY 30.

THE HUMILIATION OF IT.

STILL, AN INCOME OF A MILLION AND A HALF.

YOU FORGET THE DEATH DUTIES.

I HAVE BARELY 700,000 A YEAR.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO A WOMAN

BROUGHT UP ON AN INCOME OF SEVEN FIGURES?

THE HUMILIATION OF IT.

YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY, MADAM.

AS I AM ABOUT TO TAKE MY OWN BREATH AWAY,

I HAVE NO TIME TO SPARE FOR YOURS.

THE SUICIDE. YES, I'D FORGOTTEN THAT.

HAD YOU INDEED? WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR MIND TO IT

FOR A MOMENT AND MAKE A WILL

FOR ME TO SIGN LEAVING EVERYTHING TO ALASTAIR?

TO HUMILIATE HIM?

NO, TO RUIN HIM. TO DESTROY HIM.

TO MAKE A BEGGAR ON HORSEBACK

SO THAT HE MAY RIDE TO THE DEVIL.

MONEY GOES TO HIS HEAD.

I'VE SEEN IT AT WORK ON HIM.

BUT YOU CAN'T BE SURE. HE MIGHT MARRY SOME SENSIBLE WOMAN.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

MAKE IT A CONDITION OF THE INHERITANCE

THAT WITHIN A MONTH FROM MY FUNERAL,

HE MARRIES A LOW FEMALE

NAMED "POLLY SEEDYSTOCKINGS."

FUNNY NAME.

HER REAL NAME IS PATRICIA SMITH,

BUT HER LETTERS TO ALASTAIR

ARE SIGNED "POLLY SEEDYSTOCKINGS."

AS A HINT, I SUPPOSE, THAT SHE WANTS HIM

TO BUY HER ANOTHER DOZEN.

( chuckles )

WELL, I SHALL LIKE TO KNOW POLLY. PRAY WHY?

WELL, IF ALASTAIR PREFERS HER TO YOU,

SHE MUST INDEED BE WORTH KNOWING.

( chuckles )

I SHALL CERTAINLY MAKE HIM INTRODUCE ME.

YOU ARE HARDLY TACTFUL, JULIUS SAGAMORE.

THAT WON'T MATTER WHEN YOU'VE TAKEN THIS.

WHAT'S THIS? FOR THE SUICIDE.

YOU HAVE TO SIGN THE CHEMIST'S BOOK FOR THE CYANIDE.

SAY IT'S FOR WASP'S NEST.

THE TARTARIC ACID IS HARMLESS.

THE CHEMIST WILL THINK YOU WANT IT TO MAKE LEMONADE.

YOU PUT THE TWO SEPARATELY

IN JUST ENOUGH WATER TO DISSOLVE THEM,

AND WHEN YOU MIX THE TWO SOLUTIONS,

THE TARTARIC AND POTASH WILL COMBINE

TO MAKE TARTARATE OF--OF POTASH.

THIS, BEING INSOLUBLE, WILL BE PRECIPITATED

TO THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS,

AND THE SUPERNATANT FLUID

WILL BE PURE HYDROCYANIC ACID,

ONE SIP OF WHICH WILL KILL YOU LIKE A THUNDERBOLT.

( gasps )

YOU SEEM TO TAKE MY DEATH

RATHER COOLLY, MR. SAGAMORE.

I'M USED TO IT. DO YOU MEAN

YOU HAVE SO MANY CLIENTS DRIVEN TO DESPAIR

THAT YOU KEEP A PRESCRIPTION FOR THEM?

I DO. IT'S INFALLIBLE.

AND YOU ARE SURE THEY'VE ALL DIED

PAINLESSLY AND INSTANTANEOUSLY?

NO, THEY'RE ALL ALIVE.

ALIVE?

THE PRESCRIPTION'S A HARMLESS FRAUD.

NO, IT'S A DEADLY POISON, BUT THEY DON'T TAKE IT.

WHY? I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY NEVER DO.

WELL, I WILL.

AND I HOPE YOU WILL BE HANGED

FOR GIVING IT.

I'M ONLY ACTING AS YOUR SOLICITOR.

YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE

AND YOU COME TO ME FOR ADVICE.

I DO MY BEST FOR YOU,

SO THAT YOU CAN DIE WITHOUT WASTING

A LOT OF GAS OR JUMPING INTO THE SERPENTINE.

SIX AND EIGHTPENCE I SHALL CHARGE YOUR EXECUTORS.

WHAT, FOR-- FOR ADVISING ME

HOW TO KILL MYSELF?

NOT TODAY, TOMORROW.

WHY PUT IT OFF TILL TOMORROW?

WELL, IT'LL DO AS WELL TOMORROW AS TODAY.

AND SOMETHING AMUSING MIGHT HAPPEN THIS EVENING.

OR EVEN TOMORROW EVENING. THERE'S NO HURRY.

YOU ARE A BRUTE, A BEAST AND A PIG.

YOU DON'T EVEN ASK WHAT HAS DRIVEN ME TO DO THIS.

YOU--MY LIFE MEANS NOTHING TO YOU.

YOU MAKE MONEY OUT OF THE DEATH OF YOUR CLIENTS.

I DO. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF BUSINESS CONNECTED WITH YOUR DEATH.

ALASTAIR IS SURE TO COME TO SETTLE YOUR AFFAIRS.

AND DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF

TO MAKE MONEY FOR YOU?

WELL, IT'S YOU WHO'VE RAISED MY EXPECTATIONS, MADAM.

OH, GOD, LISTEN TO THIS MAN.

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT WHEN A WOMAN'S LIFE

IS WRECKED, SHE NEEDS A LITTLE SYMPATHY

AND NOT A BOTTLE OF POISON?

I REALLY CAN'T SYMPATHIZE WITH SUICIDE.

DOESN'T APPEAL TO ME, SOMEHOW.

STILL, IF IT HAS TO BE DONE, IT'D BETTER BE DONE

PROMPTLY AND SCIENTIFICALLY.

YOU DON'T EVEN ASK WHAT ALASTAIR HAS DONE TO ME.

IT WON'T MATTER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD. WHY BOTHER ABOUT IT?

YOU ARE AN UNMITIGATED HOG, JULIUS SAGAMORE.

WHY WORRY ABOUT ME? THE PRESCRIPTION WILL CURE EVERYTHING.

DAMN YOUR PRESCRIPTION. THERE!

( chuckles )

UH, IT'S INFALLIBLE.

WELL, NOW THAT YOU'VE BLOWN OFF STEAM,

I SUPPOSE YOU WILL SIT DOWN AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.

YOU CALL THE OUTCRY OF AN ANGUISHED HEART

BLOWING OFF STEAM, DO YOU?

WELL, WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL IT?

YOU ARE NOT A MAN, YOU ARE A RHINOCEROS.

YOU ARE ALSO A FOOL.

I AM ONLY YOUR SOLICITOR. YOU ARE A ROTTEN SOLICITOR.

YOU ARE NOT A GENTLEMAN.

YOU INSULT ME IN MY DISTRESS,

YOU BACK UP MY HUSBAND AGAINST ME.

YOU HAVE NO DECENCY AND NO HUMANITY.

( blows her nose ) YOU ARE A FISH

WITH THE SOUL OF A BLACK BEETLE, DO YOU HEAR?

OH, YES, I HEAR, AND I CONGRATULATE MYSELF

ON THE NUMBER OF ACTIONS FOR LIBEL

I SHALL HAVE TO DEFEND YOU IF YOU DO ME THE HONOR

OF MAKING ME YOUR SOLICITOR.

YOU ARE WRONG. I NEVER UTTER A LIBEL.

MY FATHER INSTRUCTED ME MOST CAREFULLY

IN THE LAW OF LIBEL.

IF I QUESTIONED YOUR SOLVENCY,

THAT WOULD BE A LIBEL.

IF I SUGGESTED THAT YOU ARE UNFAITHFUL

TO YOUR WIFE, THAT WOULD BE A LIBEL.

BUT IF I SAY THAT YOU ARE A RHINOCEROS,

WHICH YOU ARE, A MOST UNMITIGATED RHINOCEROS,

THAT IS ONLY VULGAR ABUSE.

I TAKE GOOD CARE TO CONFINE MYSELF

TO VULGAR ABUSE AND I HAVE NEVER

HAD AN ACTION FOR LIBEL TAKEN AGAINST ME.

IS THAT THE LAW OR IS IT NOT?

UH, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

I'LL LOOK IT UP IN MY BOOKS. YOU NEED NOT.

I INSTRUCT YOU THAT IT IS THE LAW.

MY FATHER HAD TO INSTRUCT

HIS LAWYERS IN LAW.

SOLICITORS ARE NO GOOD AT LAW.

THEY ARE ONLY GOOD AT "PRACTICE," AS THEY CALL IT.

MY FATHER WAS A GREAT MAN.

EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE HE DID THINGS

NO ONE ELSE EVER DREAMT OF DOING.

I MAY NOT PERHAPS BE A GREAT WOMAN,

BUT I AM HIS DAUGHTER, AND AS SUCH,

I AM AN UNUSUAL WOMAN.

YOU WILL TAKE THE LAW FROM ME

AND DO EXACTLY AS I TELL YOU TO DO.

THAT WILL SIMPLIFY OUR RELATIONS CONSIDERABLY, MADAM.

AND REMEMBER-- I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

I WILL NOT BE LAUGHED AT.

I SHOULDN'T DREAM OF LAUGHING AT A CLIENT

WITH AN INCOME OF THREE QUARTERS OF A MILLION.

( chuckles )

HAVE YOU A SENSE OF HUMOR?

UH, I TRY TO KEEP IT IN CHECK,

BUT I'M AFRAID I HAVE A LITTLE.

YOU APPEAL TO IT SOMEHOW. ( chuckles )

THEN I TELL YOU IN COLD BLOOD,

AFTER A CAREFUL CONSIDERATION OF MY WORDS,

THAT YOU ARE A HEARTLESS BLACKGUARD.

MY DISTRESS, MY DISGRACE, MY HUMILIATION,

THE HORRIBLE MESS AND FAILURE I'VE MADE OF MY LIFE

SEEM TO YOU MERELY FUNNY.

( chuckles )

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR DISTRESS,

YOUR DISGRACE, THE MESS YOU'VE MADE OF YOUR LIFE,

AND ALL THE REST OF IT.

HOW CAN I LAUGH AT THINGS I DON'T KNOW?

IF I AM LAUGHING, AND AM I REALLY LAUGHING?

I ASSURE I'M LAUGHING NOT AT YOUR MISFORTUNES...

BUT AT YOU.

OH, INDEED?

AM I SO COMIC A FIGURE IN MY MISERY?

BUT WHAT IS YOUR MISERY? DO, PRAY, SIT DOWN.

YOU SEEM TO HAVE ONE IDEA IN YOUR HEAD,

AND THAT IS TO GET YOUR CLIENTS TO SIT DOWN.

( sighs ) OH, VERY WELL.

TO OBLIGE YOU.

( chuckles ) OH!

OH, I CANNOT EVEN SIT ON A CHAIR

WITHOUT WRECKING IT.

MY LIFE IS CURSED. ( chuckles )

AY, LAUGH, LAUGH, FOOL. CLOWN.

MY BEST FAKE HEPPLEWHITE, GONE.

( chuckles )

IT COST ME FOUR GUINEAS.

NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN,

AS GENTLY AS YOU CAN, AND STOP CALLING ME NAMES?

( chuckles )

AND THEN, IF YOU WISH, YOU CAN TELL ME

WHAT ON EARTH IS THE MATTER.

( chuckles )

( sighs )

THE WRECKING OF THAT CHAIR HAS CALMED

AND RELIEVED ME SOMEHOW.

I FEEL AS THOUGH I'D BROKEN YOUR NECK AS I WANTED.

( chuckles )

NOW, LISTEN TO ME AND DON'T STAND OVER ME LIKE THAT.

SIT DOWN ON WHAT IS LEFT OF YOUR SHAM HEPPLEWHITE.

YES, CERTAINLY, MADAM.

NOW GO AHEAD.

MY FATHER WAS THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

I WAS HIS ONLY CHILD.

HIS ONE DREAD

WAS THAT I SHOULD MAKE A FOOLISH MARRIAGE

AND LOSE WHAT LITTLE MONEY HE WAS ABLE TO LEAVE ME.

THE 30 MILLIONS, PRECISELY. DON'T INTERRUPT!

HE MADE ME PROMISE

THAT WHENEVER A MAN ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM,

I WAS TO IMPOSE A CONDITION ON MY CONSENT.

SO WHAT CONDITION?

I WAS TO GIVE HIM 150 POUNDS

AND TELL HIM THAT IF WITHIN SIX MONTHS,

HE CHANGED THAT 150 POUNDS INTO 50,000, I WAS HIS.

IF NOT, I WAS NEVER TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

I SAW THE WISDOM OF THIS.

NOBODY BUT MY FATHER COULD HAVE THOUGHT

OF SUCH A--A REAL, INFALLIBLE,

UNSENTIMENTAL TEST.

I GAVE HIM MY SACRED PROMISE

THAT I WOULD CARRY IT OUT FAITHFULLY.

AND YOU BROKE THAT PROMISE, I SEE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BROKE THAT PROMISE?

WELL, YOU MARRIED ALASTAIR.

NOW ALASTAIR IS A DEAR GOOD FELLOW--

HE'S ONE OF THE BEST IN HIS WAY--

BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PERSUADE ME

HE MADE 50,000 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS

WITH A CAPITAL OF 150.

HE DID.

WISE AS MY FATHER WAS, HE SOMETIMES FORGOT

THE WISE THINGS HE SAID FIVE MINUTES AFTER HE'D SAID THEM.

HE WARNED ME THAT 90% OF OUR SELF-MADE MILLIONAIRES

ARE CRIMINALS WHO TAKE A 500 TO 1 CHANCE

AND GET AWAY WITH IT BY PURE LUCK.

ALASTAIR WAS THAT SORT OF CRIMINAL.

NO, NO. NOT A CRIMINAL. THAT'S NOT LIKE ALASTAIR.

HE'S A FOOL, PERHAPS, IN BUSINESS,

BUT NOT A CRIMINAL.

LIKE ALL SOLICITORS,

YOU THINK YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND

BETTER THAN I DO.

I TELL YOU, ALASTAIR CAME BACK

AFTER SIX MONTHS PROBATION

WITH 50,000 POUNDS IN HIS POCKET.

INSTEAD OF THE PENAL SERVITUDE HE SO RICHLY DESERVED.

THAT MAN'S LUCK IS EXTRAORDINARY.

HE ALWAYS WINS.

HE WINS AT TENNIS, HE WINS AT BOXING...

HE WON ME, THE RICHEST HEIRESS IN ENGLAND.

YOU WERE A CONSENTING PARTY.

IF NOT, WHY DID YOU PUT HIM TO THE TEST,

WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM THE 150 TO TRY HIS LUCK WITH?

BOXING. BOXING?

YES. YES, HIS BOXING FASCINATED ME.

MY FATHER ALWAYS HELD THAT A WOMAN

SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEFEND HERSELF.

HE MADE ME STUDY JUDO.

JUDO? DO YOU MEAN HEBREW?

HEBREW? NONSENSE.

JUDO, JUJITSU.

IT'S WHAT COMMON PEOPLE CALL JUJITSU.

I COULD THROW YOU THROUGH THAT WINDOW

AS EASILY AS YOU HANDED ME THAT ROTTEN CHAIR.

JAPANESE WRESTLING?

THAT'S RATHER A ROUGH SPORT FOR A LADY.

HOW DARE YOU CALL JUDO A SPORT?

IT'S A RELIGION!

FORGIVE ME. ( chuckles )

UH, GO ON WITH YOUR STORY, AND PLEASE,

BREAK IT TO ME AS GENTLY AS YOU CAN.

I'VE NEVER HAD A CLIENT LIKE YOU BEFORE.

AND YOU NEVER WILL AGAIN.

I DON'T DOUBT IT FOR A MOMENT.

NOW, TELL ME, WHERE DOES ALISTAIR COME IN?

I SAW HIM WIN AN AMATEUR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP.

HE HAS A SOLAR PLEXUS PUNCH

NO OTHER BOXER CAN WITHSTAND.

YOU MARRIED A MAN BECAUSE HE HAD

A SUPERLATIVE SOLAR PLEXUS PUNCH?

WELL, HE WAS HANDSOME.

HE STRIPPED WELL, UNLIKE MOST HANDSOME MEN.

I'M NOT INSUSCEPTIBLE TO SEX APPEAL,

VERY FAR FROM IT.

QUITE, QUITE, YOU NEEDN'T GO INTO DETAILS.

I WILL IF I LIKE.

IT IS YOUR BUSINESS AS A SOLICITOR

TO KNOW THE DETAILS.

I MADE A VERY COMMON MISTAKE.

I THOUGHT, "THIS IRRESISTIBLE ATHLETE

WOULD PROVE AN ARDENT LOVER."

IT WAS NOTHING OF THE SORT.

ALL HIS ARDOR WAS IN HIS FISTS.

NEVER SHALL I FORGET THE DAY--

IT WAS DURING OUR HONEYMOON--

WHEN HIS COLDNESS INFURIATED ME TO SUCH A DEGREE

THAT I WENT FOR HIM WITH MY FISTS.

HE KNOCKED ME OUT WITH THAT ABOMINABLE PUNCH

IN THE FIRST EXCHANGE.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KNOCKED OUT BY A PUNCH IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS?

NO! THANK HEAVEN. I'M NOT A PUGILIST.

IT DOES NOT PUT YOU TO SLEEP LIKE A PUNCH ON THE JAW.

WHEN HE SAW MY FACE CONTORTED IN AGONY

AND MY BODY WRITHING ON THE FLOOR,

HE WAS HORRIFIED.

HE SAID HE DID IT AUTOMATICALLY.

THAT HE ALWAYS COUNTERED THAT WAY, BY INSTINCT.

I ALMOST RESPECTED HIM FOR IT.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET RID OF HIM?

I WANT TO GET RID OF MYSELF,

I WANT TO PUNISH MYSELF

FOR THE HORRIBLE MESS I'VE MADE OF MY LIFE

AND FOR MARRYING AN IMBECILE.

AND NOW YOU PUT ME OFF WITH YOUR FOOLING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE STATE OF MIND.

I AM A WOMAN WHO MUST ALWAYS WANT SOMETHING

AND ALWAYS GET IT.

AN ACQUISITIVE WOMAN. PRECISELY.

HOW SPLENDID. ( phone rings )

UH, EXCUSE ME.

YES?

OH, ONE MOMENT. HOLD THE LINE.

YOUR HUSBAND IS OUTSIDE WITH A WOMAN.

THEY WANT TO SEE ME.

THAT WOMAN! HAVE THEM IN AT ONCE.

BUT CAN I DEPEND ON YOU TO CONTROL YOURSELF?

YOU CAN DEPEND ON ALASTAIR'S FISTS.

I MUST HAVE A LOOK AT SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

HAVE THEM IN, I TELL YOU.

SEND MR. FITZFASSENDEN AND THE LADY IN.

WE SHALL NOW SEE THE SORT OF WOMAN

FOR WHOM HE HAS DESERTED ME.

I'M THRILLED. I EXPECT SOMETHING MARVELOUS.

DON'T BE A FOOL.

EXPECT SOMETHING UTTERLY COMMON.

EPPY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

INTRODUCE THE FEMALE.

PATRICIA SMITH IS MY NAME, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU SIGN YOUR LETTERS, I BELIEVE.

NOW, DON'T BEGIN MAKING A ROW, EPPY.

I WAS NOT SPEAKING TO YOU.

I WAS SPEAKING TO THE WOMAN.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL HER A WOMAN.

NOW, NOW, ALLY, YOU PROMISED ME.

PROMISED YOU?

HOW DARE HE PROMISE YOU?

WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU TO PROMISE YOU?

HOW DARE YOU MAKE HIM PROMISE?

I WON'T HAVE POLLY INSULTED.

YOU DON'T MIND, MISS SMITH, DO YOU?

NO, I DON'T MIND.

MY SISTER GOES ON JUST LIKE THAT.

( giggles )

YOUR SISTER!

YOU PRESUME TO COMPARE YOUR SISTER TO ME?

ONLY WHEN SHE GOES OFF AT THE DEEP END.

YOU MUSTN'T MIND ME.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE LETTING YOURSELF GO

IF YOU ARE BUILT THAT WAY.

INTRODUCE ME TO THE GENTLEMAN, ALLY.

YES, OF COURSE. I FORGOT.

MR. JULIUS SAGAMORE, MY SOLICITOR. AN OLD PAL.

MISS SMITH.

ALIAS POLLY SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

THAT'S ONLY A PET NAME, MR. SAGAMORE.

SMITH IS THE PATRONYMIC,

AS DEAR WISE OLD FATHER SAID.

SHE SETS UP A WISE FATHER.

THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!

DO SIT DOWN, MISS SMITH, WON'T YOU?

HELLO. WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THE CHAIR?

I HAVE HAPPENED TO THE CHAIR.

LET IT BE A WARNING TO YOU.

( clears his throat )

AH. MR. SAGAMORE, IT'S LIKE THIS: ALASTAIR--

YOU NEED NOT EXPLAIN.

I HAVE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING TO MR. SAGAMORE.

AND WILL YOU PLEASE HAVE THE DECENCY

IN HIS PRESENCE AND IN MINE

TO REFER TO MY HUSBAND AS MR. FITZFASSENDEN?

HIS CHRISTIAN NAME IS NO CONCERN OF YOURS.

Alastair: IF YOU WON'T LET ANYONE SPEAK--

I AM NOT PREVENTING YOU NOR ANYBODY FROM SPEAKING.

IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, SAY IT.

I AM SORRY, BUT IT'S SUCH A LONG NAME.

IN MY LITTLE CIRCLE, WE CALL HIM JUST "ALLY."

DO HEAR THAT, MR. SAGAMORE.

MY HUSBAND IS CALLED "ALLY"

BY THESE THIRD-RATE PEOPLE.

WHAT RIGHT HAVE THEY TO SPEAK OF HIM AT ALL?

AM I TO ENDURE THIS?

WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH A LOT, DEARY.

"DEARY"?

BUT THAT'S WHAT THE WORLD IS LIKE.

THE WORLD IS LIKE THAT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE THAT.

MY WORLD IS NOT YOUR WORLD.

EVERY WOMAN HAS HER OWN WORLD

WITHIN HER OWN SOUL.

MR. SAGAMORE, I MARRIED THIS MAN.

I ADMITTED HIM TO MY WORLD,

THE WORLD MY IMAGINATION HAD PEOPLE

WITH HEROES AND SAINTS.

NEVER BEFORE HAD A REAL MAN BEEN PERMITTED TO ENTER IT.

I TOOK HIM TO BE HERO, SAINT, LOVER.

ALL IN ONE.

WHAT HE REALLY WAS YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF.

I WON'T STAND FOR THIS! YES, GO AHEAD.

STRIKE ME.

SHOW HER YOUR KNOCK-OUT PUNCH.

LET HER SEE HOW YOU TREAT WOMEN.

OH, DAMN!

OH, DON'T GET RATTLED, ALLY.

YOU WILL ONLY PUT YOURSELF IN THE WRONG

BEFORE MR. SAGAMORE.

I THINK YOU'D BETTER GO HOME

AND LET ME HAVE IT OUT WITH HER.

WOULD YOU HAVE THE GOODNESS

NOT TO SPEAK OF ME AS "HER"?

MY NAME IS MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

I AM NOT A PRONOUN.

SORRY, BUT YOUR NAME IS SUCH A TONGUE TWISTER.

MR. SAGAMORE, DON'T YOU THINK ALLY HAD BETTER GO?

IT'S NOT RIGHT THAT WE SHOULD ARGUE

ABOUT HIM TO HIS FACE.

BESIDES, HE'S WORN OUT.

HE'S HARDLY SLEPT ALL NIGHT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, PRAY?

NEVER MIND HOW I KNOW IT. I DO.

IT WAS INNOCENT.

WHERE WAS I TO GO AFTER YOU'D DRIVEN ME

OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH YOUR TANTRUMS?

YOU--YOU WENT TO HER!

I WENT TO MISS SMITH.

SHE'S NOT A PRONOUN, YOU KNOW.

I WENT TO WHERE I COULD FIND PEACE AND KINDNESS. ( laughs )

TO MY GOOD SWEET DARLING POLLY.

SO THERE. ( laughs )

WELL, I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR,

BUT THIS STRIKES ME AS IRRESISTIBLY FUNNY.

YOU MEAN YOU--

YOU ACTUALLY LEFT ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT

IN THE ARMS OF SEEDYSTOCKINGS?

NO, I TELL YOU IT WAS INNOCENT.

WAS HE IN YOUR ARMS OR WAS HE NOT?

WELL, YES, OF COURSE HE WAS FOR A WHILE,

BUT NOT IN THE WAY YOU MEAN.

( laughs )

THEN HE IS EVEN A MORE SEXLESS FISH

THAN I TOOK HIM FOR. ( laughs )

BUT, REALLY, A MAN CAPABLE OF FLOUNCING

OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS ON THE POINT

OF PARDONING HIM AND GIVING HIM A NIGHT

OF LEGITIMATE BLISS IS CAPABLE

OF ANY IMBECILITY.

PARDONING ME?

PARDONING ME FOR WHAT?

WHAT HAD I DONE WHEN YOU FLEW OUT AT ME?

I DID NOT FLY OUT AT YOU.

I'VE NEVER LOST MY DIGNITY

EVEN UNDER THE MOST INSUFFERABLE WRONGS.

YOU HADN'T ANY WRONGS. YOU DROVE ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I DID NOT. I NEVER MEANT YOU TO GO.

IT WAS ABOMINABLY SELFISH OF YOU.

YOU HAD YOUR SEEDYSTOCKINGS TO GO TO,

I HAD NOBODY. ADRIAN WAS OUT OF TOWN.

ADRIAN? THIS IS A NEW COMPLICATION.

WHO'S ADRIAN?

ADRIAN IS MRS. FITZFASSENDEN'S SUNDAY HUSBAND,

MR. SAGAMORE.

MY WHAT, DID YOU SAY?

YOUR SUNDAY HUSBAND. YOU UNDERSTAND.

WHAT ADRIAN BLENDERBLAND IS TO YOU

AS IT WERE WHAT ALLY IS TO ME.

I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW.

WHAT IS MR. BLENDERBLAND TO YOU,

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN, IF I MAY ASK?

WELL, HE IS A GENTLEMEN WITH WHOM I DISCUSS...

SUBJECTS WHICH ARE BEYOND MY HUSBAND'S MENTAL GRASP,

WHICH IS EXTREMELY LIMITED.

HE'S A CHAP

WHO SETS HIMSELF UP TO BE AN INTELLECTUAL

BECAUSE HIS FATHER WAS A PUBLISHER.

HE MAKES UP TO EPPY AND PRETENDS

THAT HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER

BECAUSE SHE HAS A GOOD COOK.

I TELL HER THAT HE CARES FOR NOTHING

BUT HIS FOOD.

HE ALWAYS CALLS AT MEALTIME.

A BELLYGOD I CALL HIM.

AND I AM EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH THIS?

AND IF I SO MUCH AS LOOK AT POLLY, OH, MY!

THE CASES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

ADRIAN WORSHIPS THE GROUND I TREAD ON.

BUT IF YOU THINK SEEDYSTOCKINGS WORSHIPS THE GROUND YOU TREAD ON,

YOU FLATTER YOURSELF GROSSLY.

SHE ENDURES YOU AND PETS YOU

BECAUSE YOU BUY HER STOCKINGS

AND ANYTHING ELSE SHE MAY BE SHORT OF.

WELL, I NEVER CONTRADICT ANYONE

BECAUSE IT ONLY MAKES TROUBLE.

AND I AM AFRAID I DO COST HIM A GOOD DEAL

'CAUSE HE LIKES ME TO HAVE NICE THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD.

NO, DARLING.

NO, YOU DON'T. YOU ARE AS GOOD AS GOLD.

I'M ALWAYS PRESSING THINGS ON YOU

THAT YOU WON'T TAKE.

AND YOU ARE A JOLLY SIGHT MORE CAREFUL

WITH MY MONEY THAN I AM MYSELF.

HOW TOUCHING.

YOU ARE THE SUNDAY WIFE, I SUPPOSE?

NO, I SHOULD SAY THAT YOU ARE THE SUNDAY WIFE,

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

IT'S I THAT HAVE TO LOOK AFTER HIS CLOTHES

AND MAKE HIM GET HIS HAIR CUT.

SURELY THE CREATURE'S INTELLIGENT ENOUGH

TO DO THAT FOR HIMSELF.

Patricia: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN.

THEY GET INTERESTED IN OTHER THINGS

AND NEGLECT THEMSELVES

UNLESS THEY HAVE A WOMAN TO LOOK AFTER THEM.

YOU SEE, MR. SAGAMORE.

IT'S LIKE THIS--

THERE ARE TWO SORTS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD:

THE PEOPLE THAT ANYONE CAN LIVE WITH,

AND THE PEOPLE THAT NO ONE CAN LIVE WITH.

THE PEOPLE THAT NO ONE CAN LIVE WITH

MAY BE VERY GOOD-LOOKING AND SPLENDID

AND TEMPERAMENTAL AND ROMANTIC AND ALL THAT,

AND THEY CAN MAKE A MAN OR A WOMAN HAPPY

FOR...HALF AN HOUR IF THEY ARE PLEASED WITH THEMSELVES

AND DISPOSED TO BE AGREEABLE,

BUT IF YOU TRY TO LIVE WITH THEM,

THEY EAT UP YOUR WHOLE LIFE RUNNING AFTER THEM

OR QUARRELLING OR ATTENDING TO THEM

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

YOU CAN'T CALL YOUR SOUL YOUR OWN.

AS SUNDAY HUSBANDS OR WIVES

TO HAVE A GOOD TEARING BIT OF LOVEMAKING WITH,

OR A BLAZING ROW, OR MOSTLY ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER

ONCE A MONTH OR SO, THEY'RE ALL RIGHT.

BUT AS REGULAR PARTNERS THEY'RE JUST IMPOSSIBLE.

YEAH, SO I AM THE SUNDAY WIFE.

AND WHAT, PRAY, ARE YOU?

OH, I AM THE ANGEL OF THE HOUSE, IF YOU FOLLOW ME.

YOU ARE, DEAR. YOU ARE.

YOU ARE HIS DOORMAT, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

A DOORMAT'S A VERY USEFUL THING

IF YOU WANT THE HOUSE KEPT TIDY, DEAR.

( phone rings )

EXCUSE ME.

YES?

DID YOU SAY BLENDERBLAND?

ADRIAN!

HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS HERE?

WILL YOU ASK THE GENTLEMAN TO WAIT?

PERHAPS YOU'LL TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT HIM, MRS--

IS HE THE CHAIRMAN OF BLENDERBLAND'S LITERARY PENNYWORTHS?

OH, NO, NO. THAT IS HIS FATHER,

WHO CREATED THE BUSINESS.

ADRIAN IS ON THE BOARD,

BUT HE HAS NO BUSINESS ABILITY.

HE'S ON 15 BOARDS OF DIRECTORS

ON THE STRENGTH OF HIS FATHER'S REPUTATION

AND HAS NEVER, AS FAR AS I KNOW,

CONTRIBUTED AN IDEA TO ANY OF THEM.

UH...BE FAIR TO HIM, EPPY.

I MEAN, NO ONE IN LONDON

KNOWS HOW TO ORDER DINNER BETTER.

I MEAN, THIS IS WHAT KEEPS HIM

AT THE TOP IN THE CITY.

I THINK I HAVE HIS MEASURE SUFFICIENTLY.

SHALL I HAVE HIM IN?

CERTAINLY. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING HERE.

I DON'T MIND.

YOU UNDERSTAND, OF COURSE, THAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED

TO KNOW ANYTHING OF HIS RELATIONS WITH MY WIFE,

WHATEVER THEY MAY BE.

THEY ARE COMPLETELY INNOCENT...

SO FAR.

I AM NOT QUITE CONVINCED THAT I LOVE ADRIAN.

HE MAKES HIMSELF AGREEABLE TO ME, THAT IS ALL.

Sagamore: WILL YOU SEND MR. BLENDERBLAND IN, PLEASE?

YOU WILL NOW SEE THE BLIGHTER

WHO HAS CUT ME OUT WITH EPPY.

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANY MAN CUTTING YOU OUT

WITH ANY WOMAN, DEAR.

WO-WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH TO RESTRAIN

YOUR--YOUR ENDEARMENTS WHEN HE COMES IN?

HELLO. WHERE HAVE WE ALL COME FROM?

( chuckles )

GOOD MORNING, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

MMM.

HOW DO, ALASTAIR?

UH.

MR. SAGAMORE, I PRESUME,

I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE ENGAGED.

YOUR ARRIVAL IS QUITE OPPORTUNE, SIR.

WILL YOU HAVE THE GOODNESS TO SIT DOWN?

THANK YOU.

I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING THIS LADY.

OH, NOT AT ALL. DON'T MIND ME.

Sagamore: MISS SMITH, AN INTIMATE FRIEND

OF MR. FITZFASSENDEN.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU, I'M SURE. ( chuckles )

THE FACT IS, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN

MENTIONED YOUR NAME TO ME IN CONVERSATION

AS HER CHOICE OF A NEW SOLICITOR,

SO I THOUGHT I COULD NOT PLACE MYSELF

IN BETTER HANDS. ( chuckles )

THANK YOU, SIR.

UH, BUT, EXCUSE ME.

HAD YOU NOT A SOLICITOR OF YOUR OWN?

OH, MY DEAR, MR. SAGAMORE, NEVER BE CONTENT

WITH A SINGLE OPINION.

WHEN I FEEL ILL, I ALWAYS CONSULT

AT LEAST HALF A DOZEN DOCTORS.

THE VARIETY OF THEIR ADVICE AND PRESCRIPTIONS

CONVINCES ME THAT I'D BETTER CURE MYSELF.

( Patricia and Adrian laugh )

Adrian: WHEN A LEGAL POINT ARISES,

I ALWAYS CONSULT SIX SOLICITORS

WITH MUCH THE SAME RESULT. ADRIAN!

YOU KNOW I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR

AND YOU KNOW IT ANNOYS ME

WHEN YOU TALK THE SORT OF NONSENSE

THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

DID YOU COME HERE TO CONSULT MR. SAGAMORE ABOUT ME?

I DID, BUT OF COURSE I EXPECTED TO FIND HIM ALONE.

OH, AND HERE WE ARE, THE WHOLE CABOODLE.

I WAS SPEAKING TO MR. BLENDERBLAND.

I WAS NOT SPEAKING TO YOU.

AND I'M NOT A MEMBER OF YOUR CABOODLE,

AS YOU CALL IT.

SORRY, DEAR.

JUST A REMINDER I WAS STILL LISTENING.

HAS THE MATTER ON WHICH YOU WISH TO CONSULT ME

ANY REFERENCE TO MR. FITZFASSENDEN'S FAMILY CIRCLE?

IT HAS. YES.

AND IS IT OF SUCH A NATURE THAT SOONER OR LATER

IT'LL HAVE TO BE DISCUSSED

AMONGST ALL THE ADULT MEMBERS OF THAT CIRCLE?

WELL, YES, I SUPPOSE SO.

BUT HADN'T WE BETTER TALK ABOUT IT

A LITTLE IN PRIVATE FIRST?

Epifania: YOU SHALL DO NO SUCH THING.

I WILL NOT HAVE MY AFFAIRS

DISCUSSED IN PRIVATE OR IN PUBLIC.

THEY CONCERN MYSELF ALONE.

MAY I NOT DISCUSS MY OWN AFFAIRS?

NOT WITH MY SOLICITOR! I WILL NOT HAVE IT.

SHE IS OFF IN THE DEEP END AGAIN.

WE MAY AS WELL GO HOME.

THE DEEP END, THE DEEP END.

WHAT IS LIFE IF IT IS NOT TO BE LIVED

OH, ALASTAIR! YOU ARE A TADPOLE!

OH, DON'T DO THAT.

SMOOTH IT FOR HIM, ANGEL OF THE HOUSE.

YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE A SIGHT OF HIM LIKE THAT.

MR. FITZFASSENDEN, WHY DID YOU MARRY MRS. FITZFASSENDEN?

WHY? DOES THAT REQUIRE ANY EXPLANATION?

I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU WHY I MARRIED HIM.

ALTHOUGH YOU MAY NOT THINK IT,

SHE CAN BE FRIGHTFULLY FASCINATING

WHEN SHE REALLY WANTS TO BE.

WHY MIGHT HE NOT THINK IT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, HE KNOWS WHAT I MEAN.

OH, IT'S SOME SILLY JOKE, I SUPPOSE.

DON'T BE ABSURD, FITZFASSENDEN.

YOUR WIFE IS THE MOST ADORABLE WOMAN ON EARTH.

NOT HERE, ADRIAN.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO TALK LIKE THAT,

LET'S GO SOMEWHERE WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, DO BEFORE YOU DRIVE US ALL CRAZY.

STEADY! STEADY! I HARDLY KNOW WHERE I AM.

YOU ARE ALL CONSULTING ME, BUT NONE OF YOU

HAS GIVEN ME ANY INSTRUCTIONS.

( chuckles )

HADN'T YOU BETTER ALL BE DIVORCED?

WHAT IS THE CREATURE TO LIVE ON?

HE HAS NOTHING.

HE WOULD HAVE HAD TO BECOME

A PROFESSIONAL BOXER OR TENNIS PLAYER,

IF HIS UNCLE HAD NOT PUSHED HIM

INTO AN INSURANCE BUSINESS,

WHERE HE WAS PERFECTLY USELESS.

I DON'T THINK MR. SAGAMORE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.

HE DOES. HE SHALL. BE SILENT.

MR. SAGAMORE, WHEN ALASTAIR PROPOSED TO ME,

HE WAS TOO GREAT AN IDIOT

TO COMPREHEND HIS OWN AUDACITY.

I KEPT MY FATHER'S PROMISE.

I GAVE HIM A CHECK FOR 150 POUNDS.

"TURN THIS INTO 50,000 WITHIN SIX MONTHS," I SAID,

"AND I AM YOURS."

YOU NEVER TOLD ME THIS.

WHY SHOULD I? IT IS A REVOLTING STORY.

WHAT'S REVOLTING ABOUT IT?

DID I MAKE GOOD OR DID I NOT?

DID I RISK HELL TO GET THE MONEY

AND WIN YOUR HAND OR DID I NOT?

DO I UNDERSTAND YOU TO SAY, ALASTAIR,

THAT YOU MADE 50,000 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS?

WHY NOT?

YOU MAY WELL LOOK INCREDULOUS, ADRIAN, BUT HE DID.

THIS IMBECILE MADE 50,000 POUNDS

AND WON EPIFANIA OGNISANTI DI PARERGA FOR HIS BRIDE.

I KEPT MY WORD AND MARRIED HIM INSTANTLY.

THEN, TOO LATE, I DISCOVERED HOW HE HAD MADE IT.

WELL, HOW DID I MAKE IT? BY MY OWN BRAINS.

BRAINS! BY YOUR OWN FOLLY!

YOUR OWN IGNORANCE AND YOUR CRIMINAL INSTINCTS

AND THE LUCK THAT ATTENDS THE HALF-WITTED.

WHAT YOU DESERVED WAS FIVE YEARS PENAL SERVITUDE.

FIVE YEARS! FIFTEEN, MORE LIKELY.

THAT WAS WHAT I RISKED FOR YOU.

LIVING WITH YOU WAS FAR WORSE THAN ANY PENAL SERVITUDE.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HEAVEN FOR YOU

IF NATURE HAD EQUIPPED YOU

FOR SUCH A COMPANIONSHIP AS MINE.

BUT WHAT WAS IT FOR ME?

NO MAN HAD EVER BEEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

I WAS LIKE A PRINCESS IN A FAIRY TALE

OFFERING MY HAND AND FORTUNE

TO ANY MAN WHO COULD TURN MY 150 POUNDS INTO 50,000

WITHIN SIX MONTHS.

ABLE MEN, BRILLIANT MEN,

YOUNGER SONS OF THE NOBLEST FAMILIES

EITHER REFUSED OR FAILED THE TEST. WHY?

BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO HONEST OR TOO PROUD.

THIS THING SUCCEEDED.

AND I FOUND MYSELF TIED FOR LIFE TO AN INSECT.

YOU MAY SAY WHAT YOU LIKE,

BUT YOU WERE JUST AS MUCH

IN LOVE WITH ME AS I WAS WITH YOU.

WELL, YOU WERE YOUNG, YOU WERE SHAPED WELL,

YOUR LAWN TENNIS WAS OUTSTANDING,

YOU WERE A MAGNIFICENT BOXER.

I WAS ATTRACTED BY PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH YOU.

IS IT NECESSARY TO BE SO VERY EXPLICIT, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN?

JULIUS SAGAMORE, YOU MAY BE MADE OF SAWDUST.

I AM MADE OF FLESH AND BLOOD.

ALASTAIR IS PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE.

THAT IS MY SOLE EXCUSE FOR HAVING MARRIED HIM.

HAVE YOU FACE TO PRETEND HE HAS ANY MENTAL CHARM?

BUT HOW DID HE MAKE THE 50,000 POUNDS?

WAS IT ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE?

NONSENSE. THE CREATURE DOESN'T KNOW

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CUMULATIVE PREFERENCE

AND A DEFERRED ORDINARY.

HE WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO BEGIN.

BUT HOW DID HE BEGIN?

MY BANK BALANCE IS AT PRESENT ABOUT A 150.

I SHOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO KNOW

HOW TO MAKE IT UP TO 50,000.

YOU ARE SO RICH, EPIFANIA, THAT YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW A MAN TO WHOM 100 POUNDS IS A CONSIDERABLE SUM

FEELS IN THE ARMS OF A WOMAN TO WHOM A MILLION

IS MERE PIN MONEY.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE A WOMAN

IN THE ARMS OF A MAN AND KNOW

THAT YOU COULD BUY HIM 20 TIMES OVER

AND NOT MISS THE PRICE.

IF I GIVE YOU MY 150 POUNDS, WILL YOU INVEST IT FOR ME?

IT IS NOT WORTH INVESTING.

YOU CANNOT MAKE MONEY ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE

UNTIL YOUR WEEKLY ACCOUNT IS AT LEAST 70,000.

DO NOT MEDDLE WITH MONEY, ADRIAN.

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT.

I WILL GIVE YOU ALL YOU NEED.

NO, THANK YOU. I SHOULD LOSE MY SELF-RESPECT.

I PREFER THE POOR MAN'S LUXURY

OF PAYING FOR YOUR CABS AND FLOWERS

AND THEATER TICKETS AND LUNCHES AT THE RITZ

AND ALL THE LITTLE SUMS YOU HAVE OCCASION FOR

WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER.

( giggling ) IT IS QUITE TRUE.

I NEVER CARRY POCKET MONEY ABOUT ME.

I MUST OWE YOU MILLIONS IN ODD 5-POUND NOTES.

I WILL TELL MY BANKERS THAT YOU WANT 1,000 ON ACCOUNT.

BUT I DON'T. I LOVE LENDING YOU FIVERS.

ONLY, AS THEY RUN THROUGH MY COMPARATIVELY SLENDER MEANS

AT AN APPALLING RATE, I SHOULD HONESTLY LIKE A FEW LESSONS

FROM ALASTAIR IN THE ART OF TURNING

HUNDREDS INTO TENS OF THOUSANDS.

HIS EXAMPLE WOULD BE USELESS TO YOU, ADRIAN,

BECAUSE ALASTAIR IS ONE OF NATURE'S MARVELS,

AND THERE IS NOTHING MARVELOUS ABOUT YOU EXCEPT YOUR APPETITE.

DO EXPLAIN HOW ALASTAIR MADE THE 50,000 POUNDS.

I LEAVE HIM TO TELL THAT DISGRACEFUL TALE HIMSELF.

I BELIEVE HE IS PROUD OF IT.

WELL, IT WORKED OUT ALL RIGHT.

BUT IT WAS A NEAR THING, I CAN TELL YOU.

WHAT I DID WAS THIS--

I MET AN AMERICAN AND I TOLD HIM

THAT I WAS CRAZY ABOUT A WOMAN WHO WOULDN'T MARRY ME

UNLESS I MADE 50,000 IN SIX MONTHS,

AND I HAD ONLY A 150 POUNDS IN ALL THE WORLD.

HE JUMPED UP AND SAID,

( with American accent ) "WHY, MAN ALIVE,

IF YOU'VE GOT 150 POUNDS, YOU CAN OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT

AND GET A CHECKBOOK."

I SAID, "WELL, WHAT GOOD IS A CHECKBOOK?"

HE SAID, "ARE WE PARTNERS, FIFTY-FIFTY?"

AND I SAID-- I SAID "YES," YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, WHAT ELSE COULD I SAY?

THAT VERY DAY WE STARTED IN.

WE LODGED THE MONEY,

AND WE TOOK OUT A BOOK OF 150 CHECKS.

WE TOOK A THEATER.

WE ENGAGED A FIRST-RATE COMPANY.

WE GOT A PLAY. WE HAD A SPLENDID PRODUCTION.

THE GIRLS WERE LOVELY, THE SCENERY WAS LOVELY.

THE PRINCIPAL WOMAN WAS AN ANGRY-EYED CREATURE

WITH A QUEER FOREIGN VOICE AND A HOLLYWOOD ACCENT--

JUST THE SORT THE PUBLIC ADORES. ( chuckles )

WE NEVER ASKED THE PRICE OF ANYTHING.

WE JUST WENT IN UP TO OUR NECKS

FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS.

BUT HOW DID YOU PAY FOR ALL THESE THINGS?

WITH OUR CHECKS.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU WE HAD A CHECKBOOK?

BUT WHEN THE 150 POUNDS WAS GONE,

THE CHECKS MUST HAVE BEEN DISHONORED.

NOT ONE OF THEM.

WE KITED THEM ALL.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DOES "KITING" MEAN?

IT IS QUITE SIMPLE.

YOU PAY FOR SOMETHING WITH A CHECK

AFTER THE BANKS HAVE CLOSED FOR THE DAY.

IF IT'S ON SATURDAY OR JUST BEFORE A BANK HOLIDAY,

ALL THE BETTER.

NOW, SAY THE CHECK IS FOR 100 POUNDS

AND YOU HAVE NOT A PENNY AT THE BANK.

YOU MUST THEN INDUCE A FRIEND OR A HOTEL MANAGER

TO CASH ANOTHER CHECK FOR 100 POUNDS FOR YOU.

THAT PROVIDES FOR THE PREVIOUS CHECK.

BUT IT OBLIGES YOU, ON PAIN OF 18 MONTHS HARD LABOR,

TO INDUCE ANOTHER FRIEND OR HOTEL MANAGER

TO CASH ANOTHER CHECK FOR YOU FOR 200 POUNDS.

AND--AND SO YOU-- SO YOU GO ON SPENDING

AND KITING FROM HUNDREDS TO THOUSANDS

AND FROM RISKS OF 18 MONTHS IMPRISONMENT TO 5 YEARS,

10 YEARS, OR 14 YEARS EVEN.

AND IF YOU THINK THAT'S AN EASY JOB,

JUST TRY IT FOR YOURSELF, THAT'S ALL.

I--I--I DREAM ABOUT IT SOMETIMES.

IT'S MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

WHY, MY PARTNER AND I, WE NEVER SAW THAT PLAY,

WE NEVER SAW THAT THEATER.

UP TO THE FIRST NIGHT, WE WERE SIGNING CHECKS

AND KITING THEM ALL THE TIME.

WELL, OF COURSE, IT BECAME EASIER AFTER A WHILE

BECAUSE AS WE BEGAN TO PAY OUR WAY ALL RIGHT,

WE FOUND IT EASIER TO GET CREDIT,

AND THE BIGGEST EXPENSES DIDN'T COME IN

UNTIL AFTER THE PLAY WAS PRODUCED

AND THE MONEY STARTED TO COME IN.

I COULD HAVE DONE IT FOR HALF THE AMOUNT,

BUT THE AMERICAN... THE AMERICAN, HE...

HE COULDN'T KEEP HIMSELF UP WITH THE EXCITEMENT OF IT

UNLESS WE PAID TWICE AS MUCH AS WE NEEDED FOR EVERYTHING.

BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY MATTER.

ONCE THAT MONEY STARTED TO COME IN.

AND MY, OH, MY!

DID IT COME IN!

THE WHOLE TOWN WENT MAD ABOUT THE ANGRY-EYED WOMAN.

IT RAINED MONEY IN BUCKETSFUL.

IT WENT TO MY HEAD LIKE DRINK.

IT WENT TO THE AMERICAN'S HEAD.

IT WENT TO THE HEAD OF THE AMERICAN'S AMERICAN FRIENDS.

WE BOUGHT THE RIGHTS. ( chuckles )

WE BOUGHT THE FILM RIGHTS, THE TOURING RIGHTS,

THE--THE TRANSLATION RIGHTS, THE--

ALL SORTS OF RIGHTS THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED,

AND THEY SOLD THEM OFF TO ONE ANOTHER

SO THAT EVERYONE IN NEW YORK

AND IN HOLLYWOOD AND IN LONDON,

THEY ALL HAD A RAKE-OFF ON THEM.

BUT I ONLY WANTED 50,000 POUNDS,

AND SO I CLEARED OUT WITH THAT,

AND I WENT SWANKING BACK TO CLAIM EPPY'S HAND,

AND SHE THOUGHT I WAS GREAT.

AND I WAS GREAT, THE MONEY MADE ME GREAT.

I TELL YOU I WAS DRUNK WITH IT.

I WAS ANOTHER MAN.

AND YOU CAN BELIEVE IT OR NOT, AS YOU WISH,

BUT MY HATS WERE REALLY TOO SMALL FOR ME.

IT IS QUITE TRUE.

THE CREATURE WAS QUITE TRANSFIGURED.

I, POOR INNOCENT, HAD NO SUSPICION

THAT MONEY COULD WORK SUCH MIRACLES,

FOR I HAD POSSESSED MILLIONS FROM MY CRADLE

AND IT MEANT NO MORE TO ME THAN THE AIR I BREATHED.

BUT JUST NOW, WHEN I SUGGESTED A DIVORCE,

YOU ASKED HOW HE WAS TO LIVE.

WHAT HAS BECOME OF THE 50,000 POUNDS?

HE BOUGHT A CIRCUS WITH IT.

HE THOUGHT EVERYTHING HE TOUCHED WOULD TURN TO GOLD.

THREE WEEKS LATER, I HAD TO LIQUIDATE THAT CIRCUS.

HE WAS ABOUT TO TURN THE WILD BEASTS LOOSE

AND RUN AWAY WHEN I INTERVENED.

I WAS DOWN 430 POUNDS

16 AND 7 PENCE BY THE TRANSACTION.

WAS IT MY FAULT?

THE ELEPHANT GOT INFLUENZA.

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH CLOSED US DOWN

AND WOULDN'T LET ME MOVE ON

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THE ANIMALS

WOULD CARRY FOOT-AND-MOUTH DISEASE.

AT ALL EVENTS, INSTEAD BEING 50,000 TO THE GOOD,

I WAS 430 TO THE BAD.

AND NOW ALASTAIR HAS THE AUDACITY TO ASK ME FOR A DIVORCE.

NO, I DON'T.

IT WAS SAGAMORE WHO SUGGESTED THAT.

HOW CAN I AFFORD TO LET YOU DIVORCE ME?

AS YOUR HUSBAND,

I ENJOY A GOOD DEAL OF SOCIAL CONSIDERATION,

AND THE TRADESMEN GIVE ME UNLIMITED CREDIT.

YES, FOR STOCKINGS, AMONG OTHER THINGS.

ALLY, DOES SHE PAY FOR THEM?

NEVER MIND, DEAR.

LOOK, I HAVE SHOWN THAT I CAN MAKE MONEY

WHEN I AM PUT TO IT.

I WILL MAKE MONEY AGAIN, AND I WILL BUY YOU

ALL THE SILK STOCKINGS YOU NEED

OUT OF MY OWN EARNINGS.

NOW DON'T CRY, DARLING.

THERE. THEY THINK THEY'RE MARRIED ALREADY.

BUT THE MATTER IS NOT IN YOUR HANDS, MR. FITZFASSENDEN.

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN CAN DIVORCE YOU

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

THE EVIDENCE IS THAT ON A RECENT OCCASION

YOU LEFT YOUR WIFE AND TOOK REFUGE

IN THE ARMS OF MISS SMITH.

THE COURTS WILL GIVE MRS. FITZFASSENDEN A DECREE ON THAT.

WELL, LET IT.

I CAN SUPPORT ALASTAIR TILL HE HAS TIME TO MAKE ANOTHER FORTUNE.

YOU ALL THINK HIM A FOOL, BUT HE'S A DEAR GOOD BOY.

AND IT DISGUSTS ME THE WAY YOU ALL TURN AGAINST HIM,

AND THE WAY HIS WIFE TREATS HIM

LIKE DIRT UNDER HER FEET.

WHAT WOULD SHE BE WITHOUT HER MONEY, I'D LIKE TO KNOW?

NOBODY IS ANYBODY WITHOUT MONEY, SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

MY DEAR OLD FATHER TAUGHT ME THAT.

"STICK TO YOUR MONEY," HE SAID,

"AND ALL THE OTHER THINGS SHALL BE ADDED UNTO YOU."

HE SAID IT WAS FROM THE BIBLE.

I HAVE NEVER VERIFIED THE QUOTATION,

BUT I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN IT.

I HAVE STUCK TO MY MONEY,

AND I SHALL CONTINUE TO STICK TO IT.

RICH AS I AM, I CAN HARDLY FORGIVE ALASTAIR

FOR LETTING ME DOWN 430 POUNDS.

SIXTEEN AND SEVENPENCE, YOU STINGY BEAST. BUT I WILL PAY IT.

YOU WILL, DEAR.

I SHALL SELL MY INSURANCE AND GIVE IT TO YOU.

MAY I HAVE THAT IN WRITING, MISS SMITH?

OH, YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, YOU GREEDY PIG.

IT WAS YOUR FAULT.

WHY DID YOU LET THE ELEPHANT GO FOR 30 POUNDS?

IT COST 200.

DON'T LET'S WANDER FROM THE POINT.

WHAT--WHA-- WHAT IS THE POINT, PRAY?

THE POINT IS THAT YOU CAN OBTAIN A DIVORCE IF YOU WISH.

I DON'T WISH.

DO YOU THINK I AM GOING TO BE DRAGGED

THROUGH THE DIVORCE COURT AND HAVE MY PICTURE

IN THE PAPERS WITH THAT THING?

TO HAVE THE STORY OF MY INFATUATION

IN HEADLINES IN EVERY RAG IN LONDON?

BESIDES, IT SUITS ME TO BE MARRIED.

IT IS RESPECTABLE. IT KEEPS OTHER MEN OFF.

IT GIVES ME A FREEDOM I COULD NOT ENJOY AS A SINGLE WOMAN.

BESIDES, I AM ACCUSTOMED TO A HUSBAND.

NO! DECIDEDLY NO! I WILL NOT DIVORCE ALASTAIR--

AT LEAST NOT UNTIL I FIND A SUBSTITUTE WHOM I REALLY WANT.

YOU COULDN'T DIVORCE HIM UNLESS HE CHOSE TO LET YOU.

ALASTAIR'S TOO MUCH THE GENTLEMAN TO MENTION IT,

BUT YOU VERY WELL KNOW YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR

HASN'T BEEN SO VERY NUNLIKE

THAT YOU DARE HAVE IT SHOWN UP IN COURT.

ALASTAIR IS THE FIRST MAN I EVER LOVED,

AND I HOPE HE WON'T BE THE LAST.

BUT LEGAL DIFFICULTIES DO NOT EXIST FOR PEOPLE WITH MONEY.

AT ALL EVENTS, AS ALASTAIR CANNOT AFFORD TO DIVORCE ME

AND I DON'T WISH TO DIVORCE HIM,

THE QUESTION DOES NOT ARISE.

WHAT O'CLOCK IS IT?

I DO THINK YOU MIGHT BUY A WRISTWATCH.

I HAVE TOLD YOU SO OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

WHY SHOULD I GO TO THE EXPENSE OF BUYING A WRISTWATCH

WHEN EVERYONE ELSE HAS ONE?

I HAVE NOTHING TO DO BUT ASK.

IT IS 12:10.

OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS! I HAVE MISSED MY LESSON.

OH, HOW ANNOYING! Alastair: YOUR LESSON?

WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING NOW, MAY I ASK? JUDO.

WHEN YOU NEXT INDULGE IN YOUR FAVORITE SPORT OF WIFE-BEATING,

LOOK OUT FOR A SURPRISE.

MR. SAGAMORE, WHAT DID I COME HERE FOR?

TO GIVE ME INSTRUCTIONS ABOUT YOUR WILL.

SHE DRAWS UP A NEW WILL

WHENEVER SHE LOSES HER TEMPER, SAGAMORE.

JOLLY GOOD BUSINESS FOR YOU.

DO BE QUIET, ALASTAIR.

YOU FORGET THE DIGNITY OF YOUR POSITION AS MY HUSBAND.

MR. SAGAMORE, I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT MY WILL.

AND I SHALL OVERLOOK YOUR ATTEMPT TO POISON ME.

OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT DO I OWE YOU FOR THIS ABORTIVE CONSULTATION?

THIRTEEN AND FOURPENCE, IF YOU PLEASE.

OH, YES, WELL, I NEVER CARRY MONEY ABOUT WITH ME.

ADRIAN, LEND ME THIRTEEN AND FOURPENCE.

UH, STOP.

MR. SAGAMORE,

YOU HAD BETTER BECOME MY FAMILY SOLICITOR

AND SEND IN YOUR BILL AT THE END OF THE YEAR.

SEND A COUNTY COURT SUMMONS WITH IT, SAGAMORE,

OR YOU MAY GO WHISTLE FOR YOUR MONEY.

DO HOLD YOUR TONGUE, ALASTAIR.

OF COURSE I WAIT FOR A SUMMONS.

IT'S A SIMPLE PRECAUTION AGAINST PAYING BILLS SENT IN TWICE OVER.

QUITE, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN. AN EXCELLENT RULE.

YOU ARE A MAN OF SENSE, MR. SAGAMORE.

NOW I MUST GET SOME FRESH AIR.

THIS ORGY OF DOMESTICITY HAS MADE THE ROOM STUFFY.

COME ALONG, ADRIAN, WE'LL DRIVE INTO THE COUNTRY

AND LUNCH THERE.

I KNOW THE QUAINTEST LITTLE PLACE UP RIVER.

GOOD-BYE, MR. SAGAMORE.

GOOD-BYE, SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

TAKE CARE OF ALASTAIR FOR ME.

HIS GOOD LOOKS WILL GIVE YOU

A PLEASING SENSATION DOWN YOUR SPINE.

Sagamore: BY THE WAY, MR. BLENDERBLAND--

WHAT DID YOU COME FOR?

I TOTALLY FORGET.

I DON'T FEEL EQUAL TO ANY MORE THIS MORNING.

( door closes )

YOUR WIFE IS THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY LADY.

OOH!

HE CAN'T FIND WORDS FOR HER, POOR DEAR.

AND NOW, MR. FITZFASSENDEN, MAY I ASK

WHAT YOU CAME TO CONSULT ME ABOUT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

AFTER TEN MINUTES WITH EPPY, I DO NOT KNOW

IF I AM STANDING ON MY HEAD OR MY HEELS.

IT WAS ABOUT A SEPARATION.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER A BIT, DEAR. SEPARATION!

YOU MAY AS WELL TRY AND SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM A HURRICANE.

COME ALONG, SEEDY, MY DARLING,

WE MUSTN'T WASTE A BUSY MAN'S TIME.

MR. SAGAMORE, YOU WILL STAND BY US, WON'T YOU?

YOU WILL SAVE ALLY FROM THAT AWFUL WOMAN.

YOU WILL SAVE HIM FOR ME.

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T CONTROL HER, MISS SMITH.

WHAT'S WORSE-- I'M AFRAID SHE CAN CONTROL ME.

IT'S NOT ONLY THAT I CAN'T AFFORD

TO OFFEND SO RICH A CLIENT--

IT'S THAT HER WILL PARALYZES MINE.

IT'S A SORT OF GENIUS SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

OH, DON'T BE AFRAID OF HER, MR. SAGAMORE.

SHE HAS A GENIUS FOR MAKING MONEY.

IT'S IN HER FAMILY. MONEY COMES TO HER.

BUT I HAVE MY LITTLE BIT OF GENIUS, TOO,

AND SHE CAN'T PARALYZE ME.

AND WHAT HAVE YOU A GENIUS FOR,

MISS SMITH, IF I MAY ASK?

FOR MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY.

UNHAPPY PEOPLE COME TO ME AS MONEY COMES TO HER.

I CAN'T THINK THAT YOUR WILL

IS STRONGER THAN HERS, MISS SMITH.

OH, IT ISN'T, MR. SAGAMORE. I HAVE NO WILL AT ALL.

I GET WHAT I WANT, SOMEHOW.

YOU'LL SEE.

Alastair: SEEDY, COME ON!

COMING, DARLING.

BYE, MR. SAGAMORE.

YOU'LL SEE.

I THINK I SHALL WAIT AND SEE.

HOW JOLLY!

I MUST BE A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

INDEED!

WELL, NOT THAT I AM DENYING IT,

BUT WHAT HAS IT TO DO WITH WHAT I JUST SAID?

YOU SAID "HOW JOLLY."

I LOOK ROUND AT THIS ROTTEN OLD INN

TRYING TO PRETEND IT'S A RIVERSIDE HOTEL.

WE HAVE JUST HAD A HORRIBLE MEAL

OF TOMATO TEA CALLED SOUP,

THE REMAINS OF SUNDAY'S JOINT,

SPROUTS, POTATOES, APPLE TART,

AND STALE AMERICAN SYNTHETIC CHEESE.

IF YOU CAN SUFFER THIS AND SAY "HOW JOLLY,"

THERE MUST BE SOME IRRESISTIBLE ATTRACTION PRESENT,

AND I CAN SEE NOTHING

THAT IS NOT UTTERLY REPULSIVE EXCEPT MYSELF.

DON'T YOU LIKE THESE OLD-WORLD PLACES?

I DO. I DON'T.

THEY OUGHT ALL TO BE ROOTED UP, PULLED DOWN,

BURNT TO THE GROUND.

YOUR FLAT ON THE EMBANKMENT IN LONDON

COST MORE TO FURNISH THAN THIS PLACE DID TO BUILD

FROM THE CELLAR TO THE ROOF.

YOU CAN GET A DECENT LUNCH THERE,

PERFECTLY SERVED BY A WORD THROUGH THE TELEPHONE.

YOUR LUXURIOUS CAR WILL WHISK YOU OUT

TO ONE OF A DOZEN HOTELS IN LOVELY SCENERY,

AND YET YOU CHOOSE THIS FILTHY OLD INN,

AND SAY, "HOW JOLLY!"

WHAT IS THE USE OF BEING A MILLIONAIRESS ON SUCH TERMS?

( scoffs ) WHEN I WAS FIRST LET LOOSE ON THE WORLD

WITH UNLIMITED MONEY, DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME

TO GET TIRED OF SHOPPING

AND SICK OF THE LUXURIES YOU THINK SO MUCH OF?

ABOUT A FORTNIGHT.

MY FATHER, WHEN HE HAD 100 MILLION POUNDS,

TRAVELED THIRD CLASS AND NEVER SPENT

MORE THAN TEN SHILLINGS A DAY ON HIMSELF.

UNLESS HE WAS ENTERTAINING

PEOPLE WHO WERE USEFUL TO HIM.

WHY SHOULD HE?

HE COULDN'T EAT MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

HE COULDN'T DRINK MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

HE COULDN'T WEAR MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

( chuckles ) NEITHER CAN I.

THEN WHY DO YOU LOVE MONEY AND HATE SPENDING IT?

BECAUSE MONEY IS POWER. MONEY IS SECURITY.

MONEY IS FREEDOM. ( scoffs )

TO ME, MONEY IS A VULGAR BORE

AND A SOUL-DESTROYING WORRY.

I NEED IT, OF COURSE, BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.

I NEVER THINK OF IT WHEN I CAN POSSIBLY HELP IT.

IF YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT MONEY,

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT?

WOMEN?

YES, OF COURSE, BUT NOT EXCLUSIVELY.

FOOD?

WELL, I AM NOT ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT MY FOOD,

BUT I AM RATHER PARTICULAR ABOUT IT.

I CONFESS I LOOKED FORWARD TO A BETTER LUNCH THAN THAT.

OH-HO! SO THAT IS WHAT HAS PUT YOU OUT OF TEMPER.

I AM NOT OUT OF TEMPER...I HOPE.

BUT YOU PROMISED ME A VERY SPECIAL TREAT, EPIFANIA.

YOU SAID YOU HAD FOUND A WONDERFUL PLACE ON THE RIVER,

WHERE WE COULD BE OURSELVES

AND ENJOY A DELIGHTFUL COTTAGE MEAL

IN PRIMITIVE SURROUNDINGS.

WHERE IS THE CHARM OF THIS DISMAL HOLE?

HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A VILER LUNCH?

THERE IS NOT EVEN A PRIVATE SITTING ROOM.

ANYONE COULD WALK IN HERE AT ANY MOMENT.

WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE

AT RICHMOND OR MAIDENHEAD.

AND I BELIEVE IT IS RAINING.

IS THAT MY FAULT?

IT COMPLETES YOUR NOTION OF A HAPPY DAY ON THE RIVER.

WHY IS IT THAT THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO ENJOY THEMSELVES

NEVER HAVE ANY MONEY, AND THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE MONEY

NEVER KNOW HOW TO ENJOY THEMSELVES?

YOU ARE NOT MAKING YOURSELF VERY AGREEABLE, ADRIAN.

YOU ARE NOT ENTERTAINING ME

VERY MUNIFICENTLY, EPIFANIA.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, LET'S GET INTO THE CAR

AND DRIVE ABOUT THE COUNTRY.

IT'S MUCH MORE LUXURIOUS

THAN THIS HIDEOUS COFFEE ROOM,

AND MORE PRIVATE.

I AM TIRED OF MY CAR. I AM NOT.

I WISH I COULD AFFORD ONE LIKE IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD ENJOY

SITTING IN THIS CRAZY OUT-OF-THE-WAY PLACE TALKING TO ME.

BUT I FIND YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A SPOILED OLD BACHELOR.

YOU THINK ABOUT NOTHING BUT YOUR FOOD

AND YOUR LITTLE COMFORTS.

YOU'RE WORSE THAN ALASTAIR.

AT LEAST, HE COULD TALK ABOUT TENNIS AND BOXING.

YOU CAN TALK ABOUT NOTHING BUT MONEY.

AND YOU THINK MONEY UNINTERESTING!

OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN MY FATHER!

I AM VERY GLAD I DID NOT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

MY DEAR EPIFANIA, IF WE ARE TO REMAIN FRIENDS,

I MAY AS WELL BE PERFECTLY FRANK WITH YOU.

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR FATHER

CONVINCES ME THAT HE WAS, NO DOUBT,

AN AFFECTIONATE PARENT AND AMIABLE ENOUGH,

TO EXPLAIN YOUR SOMEWHAT TIRESOME FATHER FIXATION,

AS DR. FREUD WOULD CALL IT--

HE MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE THE MOST APPALLING BORE

EVER TO DEVASTATE EVEN A ROTARY CLUB.

MY FATHER!

MY FATHER, YOU INFINITE NOTHINGNESS!

MY FATHER MADE 150 MILLION POUNDS.

YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN MADE HALF A MILLION.

MY GOOD GIRL, YOUR FATHER NEVER MADE ANYTHING.

I HAVE NOT THE SLIGHTEST NOTION

OF HOW HE CONTRIVED TO GET A LEGAL CLAIM

ON SO MUCH OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE MADE--

YOU ROTTEN THING!

TAKE THAT FOR CALLING MY FATHER A BORE! RESTRAIN YOURSELF!

RESTRAIN YOURSELF! YOU MIGHT HAVE HURT ME VERY SERIOUSLY.

I SHALL HURT YOU TILL YOU WISH YOURSELF DEAD!

SCUM! FILTH!

HELP! HELP!

THERE'S A MADWOMAN HERE!

I SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO HOLD HER SINGLE-HANDED!

HELP! VERMIN!

SHE IS MAD!

SHE IS MURDERING ME. DIRT! CARRION!

POLICE! HELP!

( screaming )

YOU BRUTE!

YOU HAVE KILLED ME.

OH...OH! ( cries )

( with foreign accent ) WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

I AM AN EGYPTIAN DOCTOR.

I HEAR A GREAT DISTURBANCE.

YOU COME IN HERE IN CONVULSIONS. CAN I HELP?

I--I AM DYING. NONSENSE!

YOU CAN SWEAR.

THE FIT HAS SUBSIDED.

YOU CAN SIT UP NOW. YOU ARE QUITE WELL.

GOOD AFTERNOON. STOP!

I AM NOT QUITE WELL. I AM ON THE POINT OF DEATH.

I NEED A DOCTOR. I AM A RICH WOMAN.

IN THAT CASE, YOU WILL HAVE NO DIFFICULTY

IN FINDING AN ENGLISH DOCTOR.

IS THERE ANYONE ELSE HERE WHO NEEDS MY HELP?

THE NOISE WAS OF SOMEBODY FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS.

HE MAY HAVE BROKEN SOME BONES. NEVER MIND HIM.

IF HE HAD BROKEN EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY,

IT'S NO MORE THAN HE DESERVES.

COME BACK INSTANTLY. I WANT YOU.

COME BACK. COME BACK.

( exhales )

THE LANDLORD IS TAKING THE GENTLEMAN

TO THE COTTAGE HOSPITAL IN YOUR CAR.

IN MY CAR! I WILL NOT PERMIT IT.

LET THEM GET AN AMBULANCE.

THE CAR HAS GONE.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY GLAD THAT IT IS BEING SO USEFUL.

IT IS YOUR BUSINESS TO DOCTOR ME, NOT TO LECTURE ME.

I AM NOT YOUR DOCTOR. I AM NOT IN GENERAL PRACTICE.

I KEEP A CLINIC FOR PENNILESS MUHAMMADAN REFUGEES,

AND I WORK IN THE HOSPITAL. I CANNOT ATTEND TO YOU.

YOU MUST ATTEND TO ME. YOU SHALL ATTEND TO ME.

ARE YOU GOING TO ABANDON ME HERE TO DIE?

YOU ARE NOT DYING. NOT YET, AT LEAST.

YOUR OWN DOCTOR WILL ATTEND TO YOU.

YOU ARE MY OWN DOCTOR, I TELL YOU.

I AM A RICH WOMAN. DOCTORS' FEES ARE NOTHING TO ME.

CHARGE ME WHAT YOU PLEASE,

BUT YOU MUST AND SHALL ATTEND TO ME.

YOU ARE ABOMINABLY RUDE,

BUT YOU INSPIRE CONFIDENCE AS A DOCTOR.

IF I ATTENDED ALL THOSE IN WHOM I INSPIRE CONFIDENCE,

I SHOULD BE WORN OUT IN A WEEK.

I HAVE TO RESERVE MYSELF FOR POOR AND USEFUL PEOPLE.

THEN YOU ARE EITHER A FOOL OR A BOLSHEVIK.

I AM NOTHING BUT A SERVANT OF ALLAH.

YOU ARE NOT. YOU ARE MY DOCTOR.

I AM A SICK WOMAN. YOU CANNOT ABANDON ME

TO DIE IN THIS WRETCHED PLACE.

I SEE NO SYMPTOMS OF ANY SICKNESS ABOUT YOU.

ARE YOU IN PAIN?

YES. HORRIBLE PAIN. WHERE?

DON'T CROSS-EXAMINE ME AS THOUGH YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.

I MUST HAVE SPRAINED MY WRIST

THROWING THAT BEAST ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHICH HAND?

( mutters ) THIS ONE.

NOTHING WHATEVER THE MATTER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW? IT'S MY HAND, NOT YOURS.

YOU WOULD SCREAM THE HOUSE DOWN

IF YOU HAD SPRAINED YOUR WRIST.

YOU ARE SHAMMING. LYING. WHY?

IS IT TO MAKE YOURSELF INTERESTING?

MAKE MYSELF INTERESTING! MAN, I AM INTERESTING.

NOT IN THE LEAST, MEDICALLY.

ARE YOU INTERESTING IN ANY OTHER WAY?

I AM THE MOST INTERESTING WOMAN IN ENGLAND.

I AM EPIFANIA OGNISANTI DI PARERGA.

NEVER HEARD OF HER.

ITALIAN ARISTOCRAT, I PRESUME.

ARISTOCRAT! DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL?

MY ANCESTORS WERE MONEYLENDERS

TO ALL OF EUROPE 500 YEARS AGO.

NOW WE ARE NOW BANKERS OF ALL THE WORLD.

JEWESS, EH?

CHRISTIAN, TO THE LAST DROP OF MY BLOOD.

THE STUPIDEST DI PARERGA

CAN WALK ROUND THE CLEVEREST JEW

WHEN IT COMES TO MONEYMAKING.

WE ARE THE ONLY REAL ARISTOCRACY IN THE WORLD.

THE ARISTOCRACY OF MONEY.

THE PLUTOCRACY, IN FACT.

IF YOU LIKE. I AM A PLUTOCRAT OF THE PLUTOCRATS.

WELL, THAT IS A DISEASE

FOR WHICH I DO NOT PRESCRIBE.

THE ONLY KNOWN CURE IS A REVOLUTION.

BUT THE MORTALITY RATE IS HIGH,

AND SOMETIMES, IF IT IS THE WRONG SORT OF REVOLUTION,

IT INTENSIFIES THE DISEASE.

I CAN DO NOTHING FOR YOU.

I MUST GO BACK TO MY WORK. GOOD MORNING.

BUT THIS IS YOUR WORK.

WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU TO DO?

THERE IS A GREAT DEAL TO BE DONE IN THE WORLD

BESIDES ATTENDING RICH IMAGINARY INVALIDS.

BUT IF YOU ARE PAID WELL?

I MAKE THE LITTLE MONEY I NEED

BY WORK WHICH I VENTURE TO THINK MORE IMPORTANT.

THEN YOU ARE A PIG, A BEAST,

AND A BOLSHEVIK.

IT'S THE MOST ABOMINABLE THING

TO LEAVE ME HERE TO MY DISTRESS.

MY CAR IS GONE, I HAVE NO MONEY.

I NEVER CARRY MONEY ABOUT.

I HAVE NONE TO CARRY.

YOUR CAR WILL RETURN PRESENTLY.

YOU CAN BORROW MONEY FROM YOUR CHAUFFEUR.

YOU ARE AN UNMITIGATED HIPPOPOTAMUS.

YOU ARE A BASHIBAZOUK.

I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN IT BY THAT RIDICULOUS TARBOOSH.

YOU SHOULD TAKE IT OFF IN MY PRESENCE.

AT LEAST HAVE THE MANNERS TO WAIT WITH ME

UNTIL MY CHAUFFEUR COMES BACK.

HE HAS COME BACK. ( horn honking )

DAMN!

CAN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL HE'S HAD A CUP OF TEA AND A CIGARETTE?

NO. PLEASE, GIVE ME BACK MY FEZ.

I WANTED TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOKED LIKE WITHOUT IT.

( chuckles )

THERE. NOW LISTEN TO ME.

YOU ARE HAVING AN ADVENTURE.

HAVE YOU NO ROMANCE IN YOU?

HAVEN'T YOU EVEN COMMON CURIOSITY?

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I THREW THAT BEAST DOWNSTAIRS?

DON'T YOU WANT TO THROW YOUR WRETCHED WORK

TO THE DEVIL FOR ONCE AND HAVE AN AFTERNOON

ON THE RIVER WITH AN INTERESTING

AND ATTRACTIVE WOMAN?

WOMEN ARE NEITHER INTERESTING NOR ATTRACTIVE TO ME,

EXCEPT WHEN THEY ARE ILL.

I KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT THEM, INSIDE AND OUT.

YOU ARE PERFECTLY WELL.

LIAR. NOBODY IS PERFECTLY WELL,

NOR EVER HAS BEEN, NOR EVER WILL BE.

THAT IS TRUE. YOU MUST HAVE BRAINS OF A SORT.

I REMEMBER WHEN I BEGAN AS A YOUNG SURGEON.

I KILLED SEVERAL PATIENTS BY MY OPERATIONS

BECAUSE I HAD BEEN TAUGHT THAT I MUST GO ON CUTTING

UNTIL THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT

BUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY TISSUE.

( chuckles )

AS THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTLY HEALTHY TISSUE,

I SHOULD HAVE CUT MY PATIENTS ENTIRELY AWAY

IF THE NURSE HAD NOT STOPPED ME

BEFORE THEY DIED ON THE TABLE.

THEY DIED AFTER THEY LEFT THE HOSPITAL,

BUT AS THEY WERE CARRIED AWAY

FROM THE TABLE ALIVE, I WAS ABLE TO CLAIM

A SUCCESSFUL OPERATION.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

YES. BUT YOU NEED NOT BE AFRAID.

MY HUSBAND IS OPENLY UNFAITHFUL TO ME

AND CANNOT TAKE YOU TO COURT IF YOU MAKE LOVE TO ME.

I CAN DIVORCE HIM IF NECESSARY.

AND THE MAN YOU THREW DOWNSTAIRS, WHO WAS HE?

ONE DOES NOT THROW ONE'S HUSBAND DOWNSTAIRS.

DID HE MAKE LOVE TO YOU?

NO. HE INSULTED MY FATHER'S MEMORY

BECAUSE HE WAS DISAPPOINTED WITH HIS LUNCH HERE.

WHEN I THINK OF MY FATHER, ALL ORDINARY MEN

SEEM TO ME THE MEREST TRASH.

YOU ARE NOT AN ORDINARY MAN.

I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE SOME MORE OF YOU.

WELL, NOW YOU HAVE ASKED ME

CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS ABOUT MY FAMILY,

AND I HAVE ANSWERED THEM.

YOU CAN NO LONGER PRETEND

THAT YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY DOCTOR.

SO THAT IS SETTLED.

A FATHER FIXATION, YOU SAY?

AND AN EXCESS OF MONEY? MMH.

A BEGGARLY 30 MILLION.

OF PSYCHOLOGICAL CURIOSITY.

I WILL CONSIDER IT.

CONSIDER IT?

YOU WILL FEEL HONORED, GRATIFIED, DELIGHTED.

I SEE ENORMOUS SELF-CONFIDENCE.

RECKLESS AUDACITY.

INSANE EGOTISM.

APPARENTLY SEXLESS.

SEXLESS! WHO TOLD YOU THAT I AM SEXLESS?

YOU TALK TO ME AS IF YOU WERE A MAN.

THERE IS NO MYSTERY, NO SEPARATENESS,

NO SACREDNESS ABOUT MEN TO YOU.

A MAN TO YOU IS ONLY THE MALE OF YOUR SPECIES.

MY SPECIES INDEED!

MAN IS A DIFFERENT AND VERY INFERIOR SPECIES.

FIVE MINUTES CONVERSATION WITH MY HUSBAND

WOULD PROVE TO YOU THAT HE AND I

DO NOT BELONG TO THE SAME SPECIES.

BUT THERE ARE SOME GREAT MEN LIKE MY FATHER.

AND THERE ARE SOME GOOD DOCTORS LIKE YOU.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DOES YOUR REGULAR DOCTOR SAY ABOUT YOU?

I HAVE NO REGULAR DOCTOR.

IF I HAD, I SHOULD HAVE AN OPERATION A WEEK

UNTIL THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT OF ME

OR OF MY BANK ACCOUNT.

I SHALL NOT EXPECT YOU TO MAUL ME ABOUT

WITH A STETHOSCOPE,

IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE AFRAID OF.

I HAVE THE LUNGS OF A WHALE

AND THE DIGESTION OF AN OSTRICH.

I HAVE A CLOCKWORK INSIDE.

I SLEEP EIGHT HOURS LIKE A LOG.

WHEN I WANT ANYTHING, I LOSE MY HEAD ABOUT IT

SO COMPLETELY I ALWAYS GET IT.

WHAT SORT OF THINGS DO YOU WANT MOSTLY?

EVERYTHING. ANYTHING.

EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING IS NOTHING.

FIVE MINUTES AGO I WANTED YOU.

NOW I HAVE YOU.

COME! YOU CANNOT BLUFF A DOCTOR.

YOU MAY WANT THE SUN

AND THE MOON AND THE STARS,

BUT YOU CANNOT GET THEM.

THAT IS WHY I TAKE GREAT CARE NOT TO WANT THEM.

I WANT ONLY WANT THE THINGS I CAN GET.

GOOD. A PRACTICAL INTELLECT.

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT AT PRESENT, FOR INSTANCE?

( exhales ) THAT IS THE DEVIL OF IT.

THERE IS NOTHING ONE CAN GET EXCEPT MORE MONEY.

I DO NOT CARE FOR MONEY.

I CARE ONLY FOR KNOWLEDGE.

KNOWLEDGE IS NO USE WITHOUT MONEY.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

I AM MARRIED TO SCIENCE.

ONE WIFE IS ENOUGH FOR ME,

THOUGH BY MY RELIGION I AM ALLOWED FOUR.

FOUR! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I AM WHAT YOU CALL A MUHAMMADAN.

WELL, YOU WILL HAVE TO BE CONTENT WITH TWO WIVES

IF YOU MARRY ME.

OH! IS THERE ANY QUESTION OF THAT BETWEEN US?

YES. I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

NOTHING DOING, LADY. SCIENCE IS MY BRIDE.

YOU CAN HAVE SCIENCE, TOO.

I SHAN'T BE JEALOUS OF HER, BUT...

I MADE A SOLEMN PROMISE TO MY FATHER

ON HIS DEATHBED-- STOP.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU--

I MADE A SOLEMN PROMISE TO MY MOTHER

ON HER DEATHBED.

WHAT?

MY MOTHER WAS A VERY WISE WOMAN.

SHE MADE ME SWEAR TO HER THAT IF ANY WOMAN

WANTED TO MARRY ME AND I FELT TEMPTED,

I WOULD HAND THE WOMAN 200 PIASTERS

AND TELL HER THAT UNLESS SHE WOULD GO OUT

INTO THE WORLD WITH NOTHING BUT THAT

AND THE CLOTHES SHE STOOD IN

AND EARN HER LIVING ALONE AND UNAIDED FOR SIX MONTHS,

I WOULD NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN.

AND IF SHE STOOD THE TEST?

THEN I MUST MARRY HER EVEN IF SHE WERE

THE UGLIEST DEVIL ON EARTH.

AND YOU EXPECT ME-- ME, EPIFANIA OGNISANTI DI PARERGA

TO SUBMIT MYSELF TO THIS TEST--TO ANY TEST?

I SWORE. I HAVE A MOTHER FIXATION.

ALLAH WILLED IT SO. I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.

WHAT WAS YOUR MOTHER?

A WASHERWOMAN. A WIDOW.

SHE BROUGHT UP ELEVEN CHILDREN.

I WAS THE YOUNGEST, THE BENJAMIN.

THE OTHER TEN ARE HONEST WORKING FOLK.

WITH THEIR HELP, SHE MADE ME INTO MAN OF LEARNING.

IT WAS HER AMBITION TO HAVE A SON

WHO COULD READ AND WRITE.

SHE PRAYED TO ALLAH,

AND HE ENDOWED ME WITH THE NECESSARY TALENT.

AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE BEATEN

BY AN OLD WASHERWOMAN?

I AM AFRAID SO. YOU COULD NEVER PASS THE TEST.

INDEED!

AND MY FATHER'S TEST FOR A HUSBAND WORTHY OF ME?

OH! THE HUSBAND IS TO BE TESTED, TOO?

THAT HAD NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.

NOR TO YOUR MOTHER EITHER, IT SEEMS.

WELL, YOU KNOW BETTER NOW.

I AM TO GIVE YOU 150 POUNDS.

YOU ARE TO INCREASE IT TO 50,000.

WITHIN SIX MONTHS.

HOW IS THAT FOR A TEST?

QUITE CONCLUSIVE.

AT THE END OF SIX MONTHS, I SHOULD NOT HAVE

ONE PENNY OF IT LEFT, PRAISE BE TO ALLAH.

YOU CONFESS YOURSELF BEATEN?

ABSOLUTELY. COMPLETELY.

AND YOU THINK I AM BEATEN, TOO?

HOPELESSLY.

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT HOMELESS POVERTY IS.

AND ALLAH THE COMPASSIONATE

WILL TAKE CARE THAT YOU NEVER DO.

( sighs )

HOW MUCH IS 200 PIASTERS?

AT THE RATE OF EXCHANGE CONTEMPLATED BY MY MOTHER,

ABOUT 35 SHILLINGS.

HAND IT OVER.

UNFORTUNATELY,

MY MOTHER FORGOT TO PROVIDE

FOR THIS CONTINGENCY.

I HAVE NOT GOT 35 SHILLINGS.

I MUST BORROW THEM FROM YOU. TSK.

I NEVER HAVE A PENNY ON ME.

NO MATTER. I WILL BORROW IT FROM MY CHAUFFEUR.

HE WILL LEND YOU 150 POUNDS ON MY ACCOUNT

IF YOU DARE ASK HIM.

GOOD-BYE... FOR SIX MONTHS.

THERE IS NO MIGHT AND NO MAJESTY

SAVE IN THEE, O ALLAH,

BUT, O MOST GREAT AND GLORIOUS,

IS THIS ANOTHER OF THY TERRIBLE JOKES?

Boy: YOU GAVE ME THAT.

Boy #2: GIVE ME THAT BACK!

NO, I WON'T!

GIVE ME THAT BACK!

( doorbell rings )

WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I AM LOOKING FOR EMPLOYMENT.

A WOMAN TOLD ME I SHOULD FIND IT HERE.

I AM DESTITUTE.

THAT'S NO WAY TO GET EMPLOYMENT,

POKING YOUR NOSE INTO PLACES THAT DON'T CONCERN YOU.

GET OUT. THERE ARE NO WOMEN EMPLOYED HERE.

YOU LIE. THERE ARE SIX WOMEN WORKING IN THERE.

WHO EMPLOYS THEM?

IS THAT THE WAY TO TALK TO ME? HUH.

YOU THINK A LOT OF YOURSELF, DON'T YOU?

WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR? A WORM.

TAKE CARE. I CAN USE MY FISTS.

I CAN SHOOT, IF NECESSARY.

CAREFUL, JOE. SHE'S AN INSPECTOR. LOOK AT HER SHOES.

I AM NOT AN INSPECTOR.

AND WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH MY SHOES, PRAY?

Woman: WELL MA'AM, COULD A WOMAN LOOKING FOR WORK

AT TWOPENCE HALFPENNY AN HOUR

AFFORD A WEST END SHOE LIKE THAT?

I CAN ASSURE YOU WE DON'T EMPLOY ANY WOMEN HERE.

WE'RE ONLY CARETAKERS.

BUT I SAW SIX WOMEN--

WHERE? WHERE?

THERE. NOT A SOUL.

GO ON. SEARCH THE WHOLE BLOODY BASEMENT.

Woman: DON'T SPEAK TO THE LADY LIKE THAT.

YOU SEE, MA'AM. THERE'S NOT A SOUL.

THERE'S A SMELL.

YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM A SIGNAL TO HIDE.

YOU ARE BREAKING THE LAW.

GIVE ME SOME WORK, OR I SHALL SEND

A POSTCARD TO THE HOME OFFICE.

LOOK HERE, LADY. CAN'T WE ARRANGE THIS?

AND WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO YOU TO GET ME INTO TROUBLE

AND SHUT UP MY LITTLE SHOP?

WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO ME TO SAY NOTHING?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT HALF A CROWN A WEEK?

I CANNOT LIVE ON HALF A CROWN A WEEK.

YOU CAN IF YOU LOOK ROUND A BIT.

THERE ARE OTHERS, YOU KNOW.

GIVE ME THE ADDRESS OF THE OTHERS.

IF I AM TO LIVE BY BLACKMAIL,

I MUST HAVE AN EXTENDED PRACTICE.

IF I HAVE TO PAY,

I DON'T SEE WHY THE OTHERS SHOULDN'T, TOO.

WILL YOU TAKE THE HALF CROWN?

LOOK AT IT! LISTEN TO IT. ( coin tinkles )

AND ANOTHER OF THOSE EVERY WEDNESDAY

IF YOU KEEP THE INSPECTOR OFF ME.

IT IS NO USE RINGING HALF CROWNS AT ME.

I AM ACCUSTOMED TO THEM.

AND I FEEL CONVINCED YOU WILL PAY

FIVE SHILLINGS IF I INSIST.

I'M SURE.

HAVE SOME FEELING FOR US.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE STRUGGLE WE HAVE TO LIVE.

HERE. WE'RE NOT BEGGARS.

I'LL PAY WHAT THE BUSINESS CAN AFFORD

AND NOT A PENNY MORE.

YOU KNOW IT CAN AFFORD FIVE SHILLINGS.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T AFFORD ANY MORE.

TAKE YOUR FIVE SHILLINGS AND BE DONE TO YOU.

DON'T BE SO HASTY.

YOU SHUT UP.

YOU THINK YOU CAN GET A FEW SHILLINGS OFF,

BUT YOU CAN'T.

I CAN SIZE UP A TOUGH LOT

WITHOUT LOOKING AT HER SHOES.

SHE'S GOT US, SHE KNOWS SHE'S GOT US.

I DON'T LIKE THIS BLACKMAILING BUSINESS.

OF COURSE IF I MUST, I MUST, BUT...

CAN YOU NOT GIVE ME ANY MANUAL WORK?

YOU WANT TO GET A LITTLE DEEPER

INTO OUR BUSINESS, DON'T YOU?

I AM AS DEEP AS I CAN GET ALREADY.

YOU HAVE SIX WOMEN WORKING IN THERE.

THAT THING IN THE CORNER IS A GAS ENGINE.

THAT MAKES YOU A WORKSHOP UNDER THE ACT.

EXCEPT THAT THE SANITARY ARRANGEMENTS

ARE PROBABLY APPALLING,

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I NEED TO KNOW.

I HAVE YOU IN THE HOLLOW OF MY HAND.

YOU GIVE ME SOME WORK THAT I CAN LIVE BY,

OR I'LL HAVE YOU CLEARED OUT OF HERE LIKE A WASP'S NEST.

I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO CLEAR OUT ANYWAY.

GO TO ANOTHER PLACE WHERE YOU WON'T FIND ME SO EASY.

I AM USED TO CHANGING MY ADDRESS.

THAT IS THE ONE GOOD CARD YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND.

YOU HAVE SOME BUSINESS ABILITY.

TELL ME, WHY CAN YOU NOT GIVE ME WORK

TO LIVE BY JUST AS YOU GIVE IT,

I SUPPOSE, TO THOSE WOMEN I SAW IN THERE?

I DON'T LIKE THE PEOPLE I EMPLOY TO KNOW TOO MUCH.

THEY MIGHT CALL IN THE INSPECTOR.

CALL IN THE INSPECTOR! WHAT SORT OF FOOL ARE YOU?

THEY DREAD THE INSPECTOR MORE THAN I DO.

WHY? DON'T THEY WANT TO BE PROTECTED?

THE INSPECTOR WOULDN'T PROTECT THEM, MA'AM.

HE'D ONLY SHUT THE PLACE DOWN

AND TAKE THEIR JOBS AWAY FROM THEM.

IF THEY THOUGHT YOU'D BE SO CRUEL AS TO REPORT THEM,

THEY'D GO ON THEIR KNEES TO YOU TO SPARE THEM.

YOU THAT KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT IT,

OUGHT TO KNOW A BUSINESS LIKE THIS

CAN'T AFFORD ANY LUXURIES.

IT'S A CHEAP LABOR BUSINESS.

AS LONG AS I CAN GET WOMEN

FOR THEIR NATURAL WAGE, I CAN GET ALONG,

BUT NO LUXURIES, MIND YOU.

NO TRADE UNION WAGES.

NO "SANITARY ARRANGEMENTS," AS YOU CALL THEM.

NO LIME-WASHINGS EVERY SIX MONTHS.

NO SEPARATE ROOMS TO EAT IN.

AND NO FENCING IN OF DANGEROUS MACHINERY

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I'D BE OUT OF BUSINESS IN A WEEK.

WHAT IS A WOMAN'S NATURAL WAGE?

TWOPENCE HALFPENNY AN HOUR FOR A TWELVE-HOUR A DAY.

SLAVERY!

OH, NO, MA'AM. NOBODY WOULDN'T CALL THAT SLAVERY.

A GOOD WORKER CAN MAKE 12-15 SHILLINGS A WEEK AT IT,

WEEK IN, WEEK OUT.

Man: ISN'T IT WHAT THE GOVERNMENT

PAID AT THE BEGINNING OF THE WAR?

YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY MORE THAN THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT?

BUT CAN A WOMAN LIVE ON 12 SHILLINGS A WEEK?

OF COURSE SHE CAN. WHAT'S TO PREVENT HER?

THEN I WILL WORK EVEN FOR THAT

JUST TO PROVE THAT I CAN WORK AND SUPPORT MYSELF.

SO GIVE ME WORK AND HAVE DONE TALKING.

WHO STARTED TALKING? YOU OR ME?

I DID.

I THANK YOU FOR THE INFORMATION YOU HAVE GIVEN ME.

IT HAS BEEN INFORMATIVE AND TO THE POINT.

IS THAT SUFFICIENT APOLOGY?

NOW TO WORK, TO WORK.

I AM IN A HURRY TO GET TO WORK.

WELL, WHAT SORT OF WORK CAN YOU DO?

CA-CAN YOU SEW? CAN YOU MAKE BUTTONHOLES?

CERTAINLY NOT. I DON'T CALL THAT WORK.

WELL, WHAT SORT OF WORK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

BRAIN WORK.

SHE'S DOTTY!

YOUR WORK. MANAGING WORK.

PLANNING WORK. DRIVING WORK.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU MAKE HERE.

TELL ME HOW YOU DISPOSE OF IT.

YOU GET ON WITH YOUR WORK.

SHOW HER WHAT YOU DO.

AND WHEN YOU'VE QUITE SATISFIED YOUR CURIOSITY,

MAYBE YOU'LL TAKE THAT FIVE SHILLINGS AND GO.

WHY? DON'T YOU FIND MY ARRIVAL

A PLEASANT SORT OF ADVENTURE IN THIS DEN?

I NEVER HEARD THE LIKE OF YOUR CHEEK,

NOT FROM NOBODY.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THESE WHEN THEY ARE FINISHED?

THE MAN COMES WITH HIS CART AND TAKES THEM AWAY.

DOES HE PAY YOU FOR THEM?

NO. HE GIVES US A RECEIPT FOR THEM.

MR. SUPERFLEW PAYS US FOR THE RECEIPTS

AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

WHAT DOES HE DO WITH THE COATS?

HE TAKES THEM TO THE WHOLESALER

WHAT SUPPLIES HIM WITH THE CLOTH.

THE CART BRINGS US THE CLOTH

WHEN IT TAKES AWAY THE FINISHED CLOTHES.

WH-- ( chuckles )

WHY DON'T YOU DEAL

DIRECTLY WITH THE WHOLESALER?

OH, NO. THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE, AND MR. SUPERFLEW DOES.

BESIDES, WE COULDN'T AFFORD A HORSE AND CART.

DOES MR. SUPERFLEW OWN THE HORSE AND CART?

OH, NO. THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

HE HIRES IT BY THE HOUR FROM BOLTON'S.

IS IT ALWAYS THE SAME DRIVER?

OH, YES. IT'S ALWAYS OLD TIM GOODENOUGH.

WRITE THOSE NAMES DOWN.

BOLTON'S, SUPERFLEW, GOODENOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT YOUR CLERK!

YOU WILL BE SOON. DO AS I TELL YOU.

NOW...WHEN GOODENOUGH COMES ROUND NEXT,

TELL HIM TO TELL BOLTON'S THAT HE HAS FOUND

SOMEBODY WHO WILL BUY THE HORSE AND CART FOR...

( coins clink )

FOURTEEN POUNDS.

TELL HIM IF HE CAN PERSUADE BOLTON'S TO PART WITH IT

AT THAT PRICE, YOU WILL GIVE HIM

A POUND FOR HIMSELF

AND HALF A CROWN ADVANCE IN HIS PRESENT WAGE

TO DRIVE THE SAME OLD ROUND TO THE SAME PLACES.

HE KNOWS THE WHOLESALERS.

MR. SUPERFLEW IS SUPERFLUOUS.

WHOSE BUSINESS IS THIS, YOURS OR MINE?

WE SHALL SEE. DARE YOU BUY A HORSE AND CART?

WHERE'S THE MONEY TO COME FROM?

WHERE DOES ALL MONEY COME FROM?

THE BANK, OF COURSE.

YOU GOT TO PUT IT IN THERE FIRST, HAVEN'T YOU?

NOT AT ALL. OTHER PEOPLE PUT IT THERE.

AND THE BANK LENDS IT TO YOU

IF IT THINKS YOU CAN EXTEND YOUR BUSINESS.

JOE! DON'T TRUST YOUR MONEY IN A BANK.

NO GOOD EVER COME OUT OF BANKS

FOR THE LIKES OF US.

DON'T LET HER TEMPT YOU, JOE.

WHEN HAD YOU LAST A HOLIDAY?

ME! HOLIDAY?!

WE CAN'T AFFORD HOLIDAYS.

OOH, I WENT ON ARMISTICE DAY

EIGHTEEN YEAR AGO.

SO IT'S COST A WORLD WAR

AND THE SLAUGHTER OF 20 MILLION

OF YOUR FELLOW CREATURES TO GIVE YOU

THE ONE HOLIDAY IN YOUR LIFETIME.

I CAN DO BETTER FOR YOU THAN THAT.

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORT OF TALK.

WE'VE GOT NO TIME FOR IT.

LOOK, COULDN'T YOU JUST TAKE OUR LITTLE PRESENT

AND GO AWAY? ( man shouts outside )

THAT'S TIM GOODENOUGH FOR THE CLOTHES.

OH. SIT DOWN.

I'LL DEAL WITH TIM.

( dialogue inaudible )

STOP HER, JOE! DON'T, NO, NO.

HOLD YOUR NOISE. HOLD YOUR NOISE.

I'LL NOT LET HER INTERFERE WITH IT.

I'LL PUT HER OUT ALL RIGHT.

NOW, LOOK HERE, MISSIS, LET'S HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.

THERE'S NO UNDERSTANDING NECESSARY.

TIM GOODENOUGH IS QUITE CONVINCED

THAT BOLTON'S WILL PART WITH THE HORSE AND CART

FOR 10 POUNDS. ( cries louder )

OH, DO STOP THAT POOR WOMAN HOWLING.

WELL, I AM GOING NOW.

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH WORK FOR ME TO DO HERE.

I CAN DO IT ALL IN THE MORNING EVERY WEEK.

JUST HALF A DAY.

I SHOULD TAKE A JOB AS A SCULLERY MAID IN A HOTEL

TO FILL IN THE TIME.

MEANWHILE, CARRY ON AS USUAL.

GOOD MORNING.

IT SEEMS LIKE SOME SORT OF DREAM.

WHAT CAN I DO?

DO WHAT SHE TELLS US, JOE.

WE'RE JUST LIKE CHILDREN. ( sniffs )

( conversation inaudible )

I SAY, SEEDY, ISN'T THIS JOLLY?

YES, DARLING, IT'S LOVELY.

NOTHING BEATS A FINE WEEKEND ON THE RIVER.

A PULL ON THE WATER IN THE MORNING

TO GIVE ONE A GOOD STRETCH

AND A GOOD APPETITE.

A GOOD LUNCH, A GOOD LAZE.

WHAT MORE CAN ANY MAN DESIRE ON EARTH?

YOU ROW SO BEAUTIFULLY, ALLY.

I LOVE TO SEE YOU SCULLING

AND PUNTING, TOO.

YOU LOOK SO WELL STANDING UP IN THAT PUNT.

( chuckles )

IT'S THE QUIET OF IT, THE BLESSED QUIET OF IT.

YOU ARE SO QUIET.

YOU KNOW, I'M NEVER AFRAID

THAT YOU ARE GOING TO KICKING UP A ROW

ABOUT NOTHING.

THE RIVER IS SO SMOOTH.

I DO NOT KNOW WHICH COMFORTS ME MOST--

YOU OR THE RIVER. ( chuckles ) ( giggles )

GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.

I HOPE THAT EVERYTHING HERE IS TO YOUR LIKING.

OH, YES, YES, INDEED,

BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE OLD PLACE?

I MEAN, WHEN I WAS HERE LAST,

A YEAR AGO, IT WAS A COMMON PUB

CALLED "THE PIG AND WHISTLE."

IT WAS SO UNTIL QUITE LATELY, SIR.

MY FATHER KEPT THE OLD "PIG AND WHISTLE."

SO DID HIS FOREFATHERS RIGHT BACK

TO THE REIGN OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.

IT WAS ON ITS LAST LEGS WHEN YOU SAW IT, SIR.

YOU HAVE DONE A VERY GOOD JOB WITH IT NOW, I MUST SAY.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, SIR. I AM ONLY THE MANAGER.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT IF I WERE TO TELL YOU THE STORY.

BUT I MUSTN'T DISTURB YOU TALKING. OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

MY DEAR FELLOW, FIRE AWAY.

WELL...

ONE DAY A WOMAN CAME HERE AND ASKED FOR A JOB AS A SCULLERY MAID.

MY FATHER DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE TO TURN HER OUT.

HE SAID SHE MIGHT JUST TRY FOR A DAY OR TWO.

SO SHE STARTED IN.

SHE WASHED TWO DISHES AND SHE BROKE SIX.

MY POOR OLD MOTHER WAS FURIOUS--

SHE THOUGHT THE WORLD OF HER DISHES.

SHE SAID THAT AS THE GIRL HAD BROKEN THEM,

SHE SHOULD PAY FOR THEM, EVEN IF SHE HAD TO STAY FOR A MONTH

AND HAVE THE PRICE STOPPED OUT OF HER WAGES.

OFF WENT THE GIRL TO READING AND CAME BACK

WITH A WHOLE LOT OF NEW CROCKERY

THAT MADE MY POOR OLD MOTHER CRY.

SHE SAID THAT WE WOULD BE DISGRACED FOR EVER

IF WE WERE TO EVER SERVE ANYTHING

ON SUCH OLD-FASHIONED THINGS.

BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY, AN AMERICAN LADY

WITH A BOATING PARTY BOUGHT THEM STRAIGHT OFF THE TABLE

FOR THREE TIMES WHAT THEY COST,

AND MY POOR MOTHER NEVER DARED TO SAY ANOTHER WORD.

FROM THEN ON, THE SCULLERY MAID

TOOK THINGS INTO HER OWN HANDS

IN A WAY THAT WE COULD NEVER HAVE DONE.

IT WAS CRUEL FOR US,

BUT WE COULDN'T DENY THAT SHE WAS ALWAYS RIGHT.

CRUEL! WHAT WAS THERE CRUEL

IN GETTING NICE CROCKERY FOR YOU?

OH, IT WASN'T ONLY THAT, MADAM,

THAT PART WAS EASY AND PLEASANT ENOUGH.

BUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE OLD "PIG AND WHISTLE"

WAS NOT SO MUCH THE OLD THICK PLATE

WHICH TOOK AWAY YOUR APPETITE.

BUT IT WAS THE OLD PEOPLE

THAT IT HAD GATHERED ABOUT ITSELF,

WHO WERE PAST THEIR WORK AND HAVE NEVER BEEN

UP TO MUCH ACCORDING TO MODERN IDEAS.

THE SCULLERY MAID SIMPLY TOLD THEM

THE TRUTH ABOUT THEMSELVES,

AND IT CUT THEM TO PIECES.

FOR IT WAS THE TRUTH,

AND I COULDN'T DENY IT.

THE OLD MAN HAD TO GIVE IN

BECAUSE HE HAD RAISED MONEY ON HIS FREEHOLD

AND WAS AT HIS WITS' END

TO KNOW HOW TO PAY BACK HIS MORTGAGE INTEREST.

BEFORE WE KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING,

THE SCULLERY MAID HAD PAID OFF THE MORTGAGE

AND HAD COMPLETELY GOT THE WHIP HAND OF ALL OF US.

"IT'S TIME FOR YOU TWO TO SELL YOUR FREEHOLD

AND RETIRE," SHE SAID.

"YOU ARE DOING NO GOOD HERE."

OH, THAT WAS DREADFUL,

TO ROOT THEM UP LIKE THAT.

WELL, IT WAS HARD, BUT IT WAS THE TRUTH.

AND NOW THE HOUSE IS A CREDIT TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND GIVES MORE EMPLOYMENT THAN EVER

"THE OLD PIG" DID, EVEN IN ITS BEST DAYS.

AND I AM THE MANAGER WITH A SALARY

AND A PERCENTAGE BEYOND ANYTHING

THAT I COULD HAVE EVER DREAMT OF.

AND ARE THE OLD PEOPLE CONTENTED AND HAPPY?

WELL, NO.

THE CHANGE WAS TOO MUCH FOR THEM

AT THEIR TIME OF LIFE.

MY FATHER HAD A STROKE

AND IS NOT LIKELY TO RECOVER.

AND MY MOTHER HAS GONE A BIT SILLY.

BUT IT WAS BEST FOR THEM,

AND THEY HAVE ALL THE COMFORTS THAT THEY CARE FOR.

THAT'S A VERY MOVING TALE.

MORE SO THAN YOU THINK, MY DEAR FELLOW,

BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO KNOW A WOMAN OF THAT STAMP.

OH, BY THE WAY, I TELEGRAPHED A FRIEND OF MINE

TO COME AND SPEND THE WEEKEND HERE, A MR. SAGAMORE.

I TRUST THERE'LL BE A ROOM FOR HIM.

OH, THAT WILL BE QUITE ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, SIR.

HAVE YOU MANY PEOPLE STAYING IN THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND?

LESS THAN USUAL, MADAM.

WE HAVE AN EGYPTIAN DOCTOR

WHO TAKES HIS MEALS HERE.

THEN, THERE IS ANOTHER GENTLEMAN, AN INVALID.

HE'S JUST BEEN DISCHARGED

FROM THE COTTAGE HOSPITAL.

THE EGYPTIAN DOCTOR RECOMMENDED OUR CHEF TO HIM,

AND HE TAKES HIS MEALS HERE, TOO.

AND THAT IS ALL, MADAM,

UNLESS SOME FRESH VISITORS ARRIVE.

WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'LL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THEM.

I AM SORRY TO TROUBLE YOU, SIR, BUT YOU CAME IN

THIS MORNING WITHOUT SIGNING THE VISITORS' BOOK.

I HAVE BROUGHT IT, AND I WONDERED IF YOU'LL BE--

YES, OF COURSE. I'M SO SORRY.

RIGHT.

UH..

THERE WE ARE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIR.

OH, INDEED, SIR! WE ARE HONORED.

ANYTHING WRONG? OH, NO, SIR, NOTHING WRONG.

QUITE THE CONTRARY.

MR. AND MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

IT'S SUCH AN UNUSUAL NAME.

HAVE I THE HONOR OF ENTERTAINING THE CELEBRATED--

YES, WELL, I AM THE BOXING CHAMPION

AND THE TENNIS CHAMPION.

BUT, YOU SEE, I AM HERE ON HOLIDAY

AND I'D RATHER NOT-- NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING MORE

OR REFER TO IT.

I QUITE UNDERSTAND, SIR.

I WOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED IT,

BUT THAT THE PROPRIETRESS OF THIS HOTEL,

THE LADY THAT I SPOKE TO YOU OF,

IS A MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

WHAT? LET ME OUT OF THIS!

SEEDY, PACK THE BAGS!

I WANT MY BILL, PLEASE, INSTANTLY.

CERTAINLY, SIR. BUT SHE IS NOT HERE AT PRESENT,

AND I DO NOT EXPECT HER THIS WEEKEND.

OH, DON'T FUSS, ALLY.

BUT THE WEEKEND IS SPOILED!

MAY I SAY, SIR, THAT SHE WON'T COME.

SHE'S GIVEN UP PAYING US UNEXPECTED VISITS

NOW THAT SHE KNOWS THAT SHE CAN DEPEND ON ME.

ALASTAIR! MISS SMITH!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, SAGAMORE?

YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHO YOU WERE BRINGING ME TO SEE.

YOU SAID TWO FRIENDS.

WELL, MR. BLENDERBLAND. WE ARE PLEASED TO SEE YOU.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

ADRIAN... WHAT HAS HAPPENED?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?

EVERYONE ASKS ME WHAT I HAVE DONE TO MYSELF.

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO MYSELF.

I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN THIS AND THIS.

THEY ARE WHAT YOUR WIFE HAS DONE TO ME.

THAT IS WHY SAGAMORE SHOULD NOT HAVE BROUGHT ME HERE.

DEAR FELLOW, I REALLY AM FRIGHTFULLY SORRY.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN, MR. BLENDERBLAND?

COME AND REST YOURSELF ON THIS COUCH.

DEAR, DEAR.

WE DON'T MIND WHAT MRS. FITZFASSENDEN DOES.

BUT I DO. YOU ARE MOST KIND,

BUT I CANNOT CLAIM THE PRIVILEGE OF A FRIEND

AND AT THE SAME TIME BE THE PLAINTIFF

IN AN ACTION FOR ASSAULT AND BATTERY.

YES, YOU CAN. THERE'S NOTHING NEW ABOUT THE SITUATION.

NOW DO COME AND MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE, ADRIAN.

WELL...

IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

AND I REALLY CAN'T STAND ANY LONGER.

BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SAGAMORE

SHOULD HAVE PLAYED SUCH A TRICK ON ME.

AND, OF COURSE, ON YOU, TOO.

WELL, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS

THAT BLENDERBLAND WON'T BE REASONABLE.

SO I THOUGHT YOU TWO MIGHT HELP ME TO BRING HIM TO HIS SENSES.

IT'S NO USE, SAGAMORE. 2,500 POUNDS AND COSTS.

NOT A PENNY LESS.

TOO MUCH. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

2,500 POUNDS AND MEDICAL EXPENSES AND COSTS.

AND CAB FARE TO THE COTTAGE HOSPITAL, I SUPPOSE.

MMM? NO, I WENT IN HER OWN CAR.

BUT NOW YOU MENTION IT, I TIPPED THE CHAUFFEUR.

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME. IT IS NOT THE MONEY I MIND.

IT IS THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING.

IT IS A QUESTION OF HONOR, OF SELF-RESPECT.

BUT HOW DO YOU ARRIVE AT THE FIGURE?

WHY IS YOUR HONOR AND SELF-RESPECT

WORTH 2,500 POUNDS AND NOT...

2,500 MILLIONS?

MY BROTHER GOT 2,500 POUNDS FROM THE RAILWAY COMPANY

WHEN AN ELECTRIC TRUCK BUTTED INTO HIM

ON THE PLATFORM AT PADDINGTON STATION.

I WILL NOT LET EPIFANIA OFF WITH LESS.

IT WAS AN UNPROVOKED, BRUTAL, COWARDLY ASSAULT.

I AM EXTREMELY SORRY, SIR,

BUT MRS. FITZFASSENDEN IS OUTSIDE

WITH THE EGYPTIAN DOCTOR. Adrian: WHAT?

Manager: I REALLY DID NOT EXPECT HER.

YOU HAVE ALLOWED MY HUSBAND

TO BRING A WOMAN TO MY HOTEL

AND REGISTER HER IN MY NAME.

YOU ARE FIRED.

I AM EXTREMELY SORRY, MADAM.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT THE GENTLEMAN WAS YOUR HUSBAND.

HOWEVER, YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO AT ONCE,

OR SHALL I STAY UNTIL YOU CAN REPLACE ME?

I DO NOT WISH YOU TO GO AT ALL.

YOU ARE RE-ENGAGED.

THROW THEM BOTH OUT INSTANTLY.

( laughs ) YOUR MANAGER CANNOT THROW ALASTAIR OUT.

ALASTAIR CAN THROW ALL OF US OUT, IF IT COMES TO THAT.

( chuckling )

AS TO MISS SMITH, THIS IS A LICENSED HOUSE,

AND SHE HAS AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE HERE AS YOU OR I.

I SHALL SET FIRE TO THE HOTEL IF NECESSARY.

HALLO! ADRIAN HERE, TOO!

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?

WHAT ARE THOSE STICKS FOR?

SEND FOR THE DOCTOR AT ONCE.

HAVE YOU HURT YOURSELF?

HURT MYSELF? HURT MYSELF!

HAS HE BEEN RUN OVER?

THIS WOMAN HAS HALF KILLED ME,

AND SHE ASKS ME HAVE I HURT MYSELF!

I FELL DOWN THE WHOLE FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

MY ANKLE WAS SPRAINED. MY KNEE WAS TWISTED.

THE SMALL BONE OF MY LEG WAS BROKEN.

MY SPINE WAS RICKED.

I HAD TO GIVE THEM A SUBSCRIPTION

AT THE COTTAGE HOSPITAL, WHERE YOUR MAN TOOK ME.

I HAD TO GO FROM THERE TO A NURSING HOME.

TWELVE GUINEAS A WEEK.

I HAD TO CALL IN THREE HARLEY STREET SURGEONS,

AND NONE OF THEM KNEW ANYTHING

ABOUT DISLOCATED KNEES.

THEY WANTED TO CUT MY KNEE OPEN.

I HAD TO GO TO A BONESETTER.

AND HE CHARGED ME 50 GUINEAS.

WELL, WHY DID YOU NOT WALK DOWNSTAIRS PROPERLY?

WERE YOU DRUNK?

I--I--

UH! HE DECLARES THAT HIS INJURIES

WERE INFLICTED BY YOU

WHEN YOU LAST MET, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

BY ME! AM I A PRIZEFIGHTER?

AM I A COAL-HEAVER? BOTH.

DO YOU DENY THAT YOU ASSAULTED HIM?

OF COURSE I DENY IT.

ANYTHING MORE MONSTROUS I HAVE NEVER HEARD.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE INSULTED MY FATHER GROSSLY.

IT WAS MOST UNPROVOKED.

AT A MOMENT WHEN I HAD EVERY REASON

TO EXPECT THE UTMOST TENDERNESS FROM HIM.

THE BLOOD RUSHED TO MY HEAD, AND THE NEXT THING

I REMEMBER WAS I WAS LYING ACROSS THE TABLE

TREMBLING, DYING.

THE DOCTOR WHO FOUND ME WILL TELL YOU WHAT MY CONDITION WAS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR CONDITION WAS.

WHAT CONDITION DID YOUR CHAUFFEUR FIND ME IN?

HE IS TAKING AN ACTION AGAINST YOU.

AN ACTION! VERY WELL.

YOU KNOW MY INVARIABLE RULE.

FIGHT HIM TO THE LAST DITCH,

NO MATTER WHAT IT COSTS.

TAKE HIM TO THE HOUSE OF LORDS IF NECESSARY.

WE SHALL SEE WHOSE PURSE HOLDS OUT LONGEST.

I WILL NOT BE BLACKMAILED.

YOU THINK YOUR FATHER'S MONEY

PLACES YOU ABOVE THE LAW?

AGAIN!

NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NONE OF THAT.

TOKO, MY GIRL, TOKO.

Sagamore: TOKO! WHAT IS TOKO?

OH, SHE KNOWS.

TOKO IS AN INFALLIBLE MEDICINE

FOR CALMING THE NERVES.

A BLOW IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND A DAY IN BED,

THAT IS TOKO.

YOU ARE A WITNESS, MR. SAGAMORE,

HOW I GO IN FEAR OF MY HUSBAND'S BRUTAL VIOLENCE.

HE CAN TORTURE ME, BATTER ME, KILL ME.

HE IS STRONGER THAN I AM.

IT IS THE LAST ARGUMENT OF THE LOWER NATURE

AGAINST THE HIGHER.

MY INNOCENCE IS USELESS.

DO YOUR WORST.

QUITE SAFE NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Adrian: NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL. IT SERVES YOU RIGHT.

I DO NOT WISH TO HEAR ANYMORE

ABOUT BLENDERBLAND'S RIDICULOUS INJURIES.

Sagamore: DO BE A LITTLE REASONABLE, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

HOW ARE WE TO DISCUSS THE COMPENSATION

DUE TO MR. BLENDERBLAND

WITHOUT MENTIONING HIS INJURIES?

THERE IS NO COMPENSATION DUE TO MR. BLENDERBLAND.

HE DESERVED WHAT HE GOT, WHATEVER IT WAS.

BUT HE WILL TAKE AN ACTION AGAINST YOU.

THEN TAKE ONE AGAINST HIM FIRST.

WHAT FOR?

OHH, NEVER MIND. I DON'T CARE.

DON'T BOTHER ME ABOUT IT.

CLAIM 20,000-POUND DAMAGES.

I TELL YOU I WILL NOT BE BLACKMAILED.

NEITHER WILL I!

I AM ENTITLED TO COMPENSATION

AND I MEAN TO HAVE IT!

YOU ARE NOT-- STEADY! STEADY! PLEASE.

CANNOT ADVISE NEITHER OF YOU TO GO TO LAW,

BUT QUITE SERIOUSLY, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN,

MR. BLENDERBLAND IS ENTITLED TO SOME COMPENSATION.

UGH! THERE.

YOU CAN AFFORD IT.

MR. SAGAMORE, A WOMAN AS RICH AS I AM

CANNOT AFFORD ANYTHING.

I HAVE TO FIGHT TO KEEP EVERY PENNY I POSSESS.

EVERY BLACKMAILER, EVERY SWINDLER,

EVERY CHARITY, EVERY TESTIMONIAL,

EVERY POLITICAL CAUSE, EVERY LEAGUE

AND BROTHERHOOD AND SISTERHOOD,

EVERY CHURCH AND CHAPEL,

EVERY INSTITUTION OF EVERY KIND ON EARTH

IS BUSY FROM MORNING TO NIGHT

TRYING TO BLEED ME TO DEATH.

IF I WEAKEN FOR A MOMENT, IF I LET A FARTHING GO,

I SHALL BE DESTITUTE BY THE END OF THE MONTH.

I SUBSCRIBE ONE GUINEA A YEAR

TO THE INCOME TAX PAYERS' DEFENSE FUND,

BUT THAT IS ALL, ABSOLUTELY ALL.

MY STANDING INSTRUCTIONS TO YOU

ARE TO FIGHT EVERY ACTION

AND TO FORESTALL EVERY CLAIM FOR DAMAGES

WITH A COUNTER-CLAIM FOR 20 TIMES THE AMOUNT.

THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN WRITE ACROSS THE SKY,

"HANDS OFF MY MONEY."

YOU SEE, MR. BLENDERBLAND, IT'S NO USE.

YOU MUST WITHDRAW YOUR THREAT OF AN ACTION.

I WON'T. YOU WILL. YOU MUST.

OH, WE ARE WASTING TIME.

GIVE HIM A 10-POUND NOTE AND BE DONE WITH IT.

A 10-POUND NOTE?

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN! YES, A 10-POUND NOTE.

NO MAN CAN RESIST A 10-POUND NOTE

IF YOU CRACKLE IT UNDER HIS NOSE.

BUT HE WANTS 2,500.

TWO-- NOT A PENNY LESS.

ADRIAN, MY CHILD, I HAVE UNDERRATED YOU.

YOUR CHEEK, YOUR GLUTTONY,

YOUR OBSTINACY IMPOSE RESPECT UPON ME.

I THREW A HALF-BAKED GENTLEMAN DOWN THE STAIRS,

AND MY CHAUFFEUR PICKED HIM UP OFF THE MAT

A MAGNIFICENTLY COMPLETE SKUNK!

5,000 FOR THAT, SAGAMORE, DO YOU HEAR?

PLEASE, PLEASE, DO KEEP YOUR TEMPER.

KEEP YOUR OWN TEMPER! HAS SHE LAMED YOU FOR LIFE?

HAS SHE RAISED A BUMP ON YOUR HEAD?

HAS SHE CALLED YOU A SKUNK?

NO, BUT SHE MAY AT ANY MOMENT.

OH, MY SAGAMORE! MY TREASURE!

SHALL I GIVE HIM 5,000

ON CONDITION HE TURN IT INTO ONE MILLION

IN SIX MONTHS? ( chuckles )

I WILL DO WHAT I LIKE WITH IT.

I WILL HAVE IT UNCONDITIONALLY.

( chuckles )

UH, MR. BLENDERBLAND, IT'S A MISTAKE

TO GO INTO COURT IN THE CHARACTER OF A MAN

WHO HAS BEEN CALLED A SKUNK.

IT IS ALSO VERY DIFFICULT FOR A PLAINTIFF

TO GET SYMPATHY IN THE CHARACTER OF A MAN

WHO HAS BEEN THRASHED BY A WOMAN.

NOW, IF MRS. FITZFASSENDEN HAD STABBED YOU,

OR SHOT YOU, OR POISONED YOU,

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN QUITE IN ORDER.

YOUR DIGNITY WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED.

BUT MRS. FITZFASSENDEN KNOWS BETTER.

SHE WOULD COME INTO COURT BEAUTIFULLY DRESSED,

LOOKING HER BEST.

AND LONG BEFORE WE CAN GET THE CASE INTO THE LIST,

THE BUMP ON YOUR HEAD WILL HAVE SUBSIDED,

YOUR BROKEN BONE WILL HAVE SET,

AND THE COLOR WILL HAVE COME BACK TO YOUR...

UM, TO YOUR CHEEKS.

SO UNLESS YOU CAN PROVOKE MRS. FITZFASSENDEN

TO ASSAULT YOU AGAIN THE DAY BEFORE THE TRIAL--

AND SHE IS FAR TOO CLEVER FOR THAT--

THE CHANCES ARE A MILLION TO ONE AGAINST YOU.

YES, BLENDERBLAND. YOU WOULDN'T STAND A DOG'S CHANCE.

ALASTAIR'S QUITE RIGHT.

ASK HER NICELY, AND PERHAPS SHE'LL PAY YOUR EXPENSES.

( gasps ) IS THERE NO JUSTICE

FOR A MAN AGAINST A WOMAN?

BELIEVE ME, NO. NOT AGAINST A MILLIONAIRESS.

AND WHAT JUSTICE IS THERE FOR A MILLIONAIRESS,

I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW?

IN THE COURTS-- I WAS NOT TALKING OF THE COURTS.

I WAS SPEAKING OF THE JUSTICE OF HEAVEN.

OH, LORD! NOW WE'RE FOR IT.

ALASTAIR, HOW CAN YOU JEER AT ME?

IS IT JUST BECAUSE I AM A MILLIONAIRESS,

I CANNOT KEEP MY HUSBAND, CANNOT KEEP EVEN A LOVER,

CANNOT KEEP ANYTHING EXCEPT MY MONEY?

THERE YOU SIT BEFORE MY VERY EYES,

SNUGGLING UP TO THAT INSIGNIFICANT

LITTLE NOTHINGNESS

WHO CANNOT AFFORD HER OWN STOCKINGS,

AND YOU ARE HAPPY, AND SHE IS HAPPY.

HERE IS THIS...

SUIT OF CLOTHES ON TWO STICKS.

WHAT DOES IT CONTAIN?

OHH, LET ME ALONE, WILL YOU?

SOMETHING THAT ONCE RESEMBLED A MAN,

SOMETHING THAT LIKED LENDING ME 5-POUND NOTES

AND NEVER ASKED ME TO REPAY THEM. WHY?

KINDNESS TO ME? LOVE OF ME?

NO! THE SWANK OF A POOR MAN

LENDING TO A MILLIONAIRESS.

IN MY DIVINE WRATH, I SMASHED HIM

AS A CHILD SMASHES A DISAPPOINTING TOY,

AND WHEN HE WAS BROUGHT DOWN TO HIS REAL SELF,

I FOUND I WAS NOT A WOMAN TO HIM.

I WAS A BANK ACCOUNT WITH A GOOD COOK.

THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, DEAR,

BUT THE TRUTH IS NO ONE CAN LIVE WITH YOU.

AND ANYONE CAN LIVE WITH YOU.

AND APPARENTLY YOU CAN LIVE WITH ANYONE.

Alastair: WHAT SEEDY SAYS IS GOD'S TRUTH.

NOBODY COULD LIVE WITH YOU.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Sagamore: DO BE REASONABLE, MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

CAN ONE LIVE WITH A TORNADO?

WITH AN EARTHQUAKE? WITH AN AVALANCHE?

YES. THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

LIVE ON THE SLOPES OF VOLCANOES,

IN THE TRACK OF AVALANCHES,

ON LAND THROWN UP ONLY YESTERDAY

BY EARTHQUAKES.

BUT WITH A MILLIONAIRESS

WHO CAN RISE TO HER DESTINY

AND WIELD THE POWER HER MONEY GIVES HER, NO.

WELL, BE IT SO.

I SHALL LIVE IN MY LONELY LITTLE HOUSE

AND BE MYSELF UNTIL I FIND A MAN

GOOD ENOUGH TO BE TO ME

WHAT ALASTAIR IS TO SEEDYSTOCKINGS.

WELL, I HOPE YOU WON'T HAVE TO WAIT

TOO LONG, DEAR.

I NEVER WAIT. I MARCH ON.

AND WHEN I COME UPON ANYTHING I WANT,

I GRAB IT.

I GRABBED YOU, ALASTAIR.

I FIND HE DOES NOT SUIT ME.

HE BEATS ME-- ONLY IN SELF-DEFENSE.

I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON YOU EXCEPT IN SELF-DEFENSE.

YES, YOU ARE LIKE ALL THE GREAT EUROPEAN POWERS,

YOU ONLY FIGHT IN SELF-DEFENSE.

YOU DO NOT SUIT.

I THROW YOU TO GREEDY-SEEDY-STOCKINGS,

YOU CAN PUNCH HER ABOUT TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT.

MR. SAGAMORE, ARRANGE THE DIVORCE.

CRUELTY AND ADULTERY.

OOH, BUT I DON'T LIKE THIS.

IT'S NOT FAIR TO ALASTAIR.

WHY SHOULD HE BE DIVORCED INSTEAD OF YOU?

MR. SAGAMORE, TAKE AN ACTION

AGAINST MISS PATRICIA SMITH

FOR ALIENATING MY HUSBAND'S AFFECTIONS.

DAMAGES 20,000 POUNDS.

OH, MR. SAGAMORE, IS SUCH A THING POSSIBLE?

I AM AFRAID IT IS, MISS SMITH.

QUITE POSSIBLE.

WELL, MY DEAR OLD FATHER

USED TO SAY THAT IN THE LAW COURTS

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO BEAT THE PEOPLE

WHO HAVE UNLIMITED MONEY,

AND THAT IS TO HAVE NO MONEY AT ALL.

YOU CAN'T GET 20,000 OUT OF ME.

DAMN YOUR OLD FATHER! ( laughs )

Alastair: THERE'S ONE FOR YOU, EPPY.

I AM AFRAID THE LAUGH IS WITH OLD MR. SMITH,

MRS. FITZFASSENDEN.

BECAUSE WHERE THERE IS NOTHING,

THE KING LOSES HIS RIGHTS.

OH, I CAN BEAR NO MORE OF THIS.

I SHALL LIVE IN UTTER LONELINESS

UNTIL I FIND THE RIGHT MAN--

THE MATE CREATED FOR ME IN HEAVEN.

HE MUST BE SOMEWHERE.

THE MANAGER SAYS I AM WANTED HERE.

WHO WANTS ME?

I WANT YOU. COME HERE.

SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE, EH?

OH!

I HAVE NEVER FELT SUCH A PULSE.

IT IS LIKE A SLOW SLEDGE HAMMER.

IS MY PULSE MY FAULT?

NO. IT IS THE WILL OF ALLAH.

ALL OUR PULSES ARE PART OF THE WILL OF ALLAH.

NOW, LOOK HERE. YOU KNOW, DOC,

THAT WON'T GO DOWN IN THIS COUNTRY.

WE DON'T BELIEVE IN ALLAH.

THAT DOES NOT DISCONCERT ALLAH IN THE LEAST,

MY FRIEND.

THE PULSE BEATS STILL, SLOW, STRONG.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE WOMAN, BUT I LOVE YOUR PULSE.

I HAVE NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE.

FANCY THAT! HE LOVES HER PULSE.

I AM A DOCTOR.

WOMEN AS YOU FANCY THEM ARE NOTHING TO ME

BUT BUNDLES OF AILMENTS.

BUT THE LIFE, THE PULSE,

IS THE HEARTBEAT OF ALLAH,

SAVE IN WHOM THERE IS NO MAJESTY AND NO MIGHT.

MY PULSE WILL NEVER CHANGE,

THIS IS THE LOVE I CRAVE FOR.

I WILL MARRY YOU.

MR. SAGAMORE, TAKE OUT A SPECIAL LICENSE

THE MOMENT YOU HAVE GOT RID OF ALASTAIR.

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE. WE ARE BOUND BY OUR VOWS.

WELL, HAVE I NOT PASSED YOUR MOTHER'S TEST?

I CAME TO THIS HOTEL A SCULLERY MAID.

I AM NOW ITS OWNER.

BUT WHAT OF THE OLD PEOPLE WHOSE NATURAL HOME

THIS PLACE HAD BECOME?

THE OLD MAN, THE OLD WOMAN?

WAS NOT THIS PREYING ON THE POVERTY OF THE POOR?

SHALL I, A SERVANT OF ALLAH,

LIVE ON SUCH GAINS?

I HAVE TO TAKE THE WORLD AS I FIND IT.

THE WRATH OF ALLAH SHALL OVERTAKE THOSE

WHO LEAVE THIS WORLD NO BETTER THAN THEY FOUND IT.

I THINK ALLAH LOVES THOSE WHO MAKE MONEY.

ALL THE EVIDENCE IS THAT WAY, CERTAINLY.

I DO NOT SEE IT SO.

I SEE THAT RICHES ARE A CURSE,

POVERTY IS A CURSE.

AND ONLY IN THE SERVICE OF ALLAH

IS THERE RIGHTEOUSNESS, JUSTICE, AND HAPPINESS.

BUT ALL THIS TALK IS IDLE.

THIS LADY HAS EASILY FULFILLED

THE CONDITIONS IMPOSED BY MY MOTHER.

BUT I HAVE NOT FULFILLED THE CONDITIONS IMPOSED

BY THE LADY'S FATHER. YOU NEED NOT TROUBLE.

I CAN SHOW YOU HOW TO TURN 150 INTO 50,000.

YOU CANNOT. IT IS GONE.

YOU CANNOT HAVE SPENT IT ALL.

YOU WHO LIVE LIKE A MOUSE.

THERE MUST BE SOME OF IT LEFT.

NOT A PENNY. NOT A PIASTER. ALLAH--

OH, BOTHER ALLAH! WHAT DID YOU WITH IT?

ALLAH IS NEVER BOTHERED.

ON THAT AFTERNOON WHEN YOU LEFT ME

TO EARN YOUR OWN LIVING,

I CALLED UPON THE MERCIFUL, THE COMPASSIONATE,

TO REVEAL TO ME WHETHER YOU WERE NOT

ONE OF THE STROKES OF HIS INFINITE HUMOR.

THEN I SAT DOWN AND TOOK UP A NEWSPAPER.

AND BEHOLD! A PARAGRAPH HEADED "WILLS AND BEQUESTS."

I READ A NAME THAT I CANNOT REMEMBER,

A MRS. SOMEBODY OF CLAPHAM PARK--

122,000 POUNDS.

SHE HAD NEVER DONE ANYTHING

BUT LIVE IN CLAPHAM PARK,

AND SHE LEFT 122,000 POUNDS.

BUT WHAT WAS THE SECOND NAME?

IT WAS THAT OF THE TEACHER

WHO CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE

AND GAVE ME A NEW SOUL

BY OPENING THE WORLD OF SCIENCE TO ME.

I WAS HIS ASSISTANT FOR FOUR YEARS.

HE USED TO MAKE HIS OWN APPARATUS

FOR HIS EXPERIMENTS,

AND THEN ONE DAY,

HE NEEDED A FILAMENT OF METAL

THAT WOULD RESIST A TEMPERATURE

THAT WOULD MELT PLATINUM LIKE SEALING WAX.

BUY THE PATENT

IF IT HASN'T BEEN SNAPPED UP ALREADY.

HE BELIEVED THAT KNOWLEDGE IS NO MAN'S PROPERTY.

AND HE HAD NEITHER TIME NOR MONEY

TO SPEND IN PATENT OFFICES.

MILLIONS HAVE BEEN MADE

OUT OF THAT DISCOVERY OF HIS

BY PEOPLE WHO CARE NOTHING ABOUT SCIENCE

AND EVERYTHING ABOUT MONEY.

HE LEFT 400 POUNDS AND A WIDOW.

THAT GOOD WOMAN WHO HAD BEEN A SECOND MOTHER TO ME.

A SHILLING A DAY FOR HER AT MOST,

NOT EVEN ONE PIASTER AN HOUR.

THAT COMES OF MARRYING AN INCOMPETENT DREAMER.

NO. THE MERCIFUL, THE COMPASSIONATE

HEARD THE WIDOW'S PRAYER.

LISTEN. I ONCE CURED A PRIME MINISTER

WHEN HE IMAGINED HIMSELF TO BE ILL.

I WENT TO HIM AND TOLD HIM

THAT IT WAS THE WILL OF ALLAH

THAT THE WIDOW SHOULD RECEIVE A CIVIL PENSION.

SHE RECEIVED IT. 100 POUNDS.

I WENT TO THE GREAT METALLURGICAL TRUST,

WHICH EXPLOITS HIS DISCOVERY,

AND TOLD THEM THAT HER POVERTY

WAS A SCANDAL IN THE FACE OF ALLAH.

THEY WERE RICH AND GENEROUS.

THEY MADE A SPECIAL ISSUE

OF FOUNDERS' SHARES

WORTH 300 POUNDS A YEAR TO HER.

BUT ALL THIS TOOK TIME.

THE ILLNESS, THE NURSE, THE FUNERAL,

THE DISPOSAL OF THE LABORATORY,

THE CHANGE TO A CHEAPER LODGING

HAD LEFT HER WITHOUT A PENNY.

BETWEEN THE DEATH AND THE PENSIONS,

THERE WAS A GAP EXACTLY 150 POUNDS WIDE.

HE WHO IS JUST AND EXACT

SUPPLIED THAT SUM

THROUGH YOUR CHAUFFEUR'S HANDS AND THROUGH MINE.

IT REJOICED MY HEART

AS MONEY HAS NEVER REJOICED IT BEFORE.

BUT INSTEAD OF COMING TO YOU WITH 50,000 POUNDS

I AM IN ARREARS WITH MY BILL

FOR MY BREAD IN YOUR HOTEL,

AND AM EXPECTING EVERY DAY

TO BE TOLD BY YOUR MANAGER

THAT THIS CANNOT GO ON,

I MUST SETTLE.

Alastair: WELL, YOU DIDN'T DO VERY WELL FOR YOURSELF,

BUT YOU DID WELL-- VERY WELL FOR THE WIDOW.

AND YOU ESCAPED EPPY.

I MEAN, SHE WON'T MARRY YOU WITH EMPTY POCKETS.

PRAY WHY?

50,000 MUST HAVE BEEN MADE TEN TIMES OVER

IN THAT DISCOVERY.

AND THE DOCTOR, IN PUTTING MY 150 POUNDS

IN THE WIDOW'S NECESSARY EXPENSES,

MAY BE SAID TO HAVE MADE A RETROSPECTIVE INVESTMENT

IN THAT DISCOVERY,

AND HAS SHOWN THE GREATEST ABILITY

IN THE AFFAIR, HAS HE NOT, MR. SAGAMORE?

UNQUESTIONABLY.

HE HAS SETTLED THE WIDOW'S AFFAIRS TO PERFECTION.

BUT I AM IN DEBT FOR MY FOOD.

WELL, IF IT COMES TO THAT, AM IN DEBT FOR MY FOOD.

I GOT A LETTER THIS MORNING FROM MY PURVEYORS

SAYING THAT I HAVE PAID THEM NOTHING FOR TWO YEARS,

AND THAT IF I DO NOT SEND THEM SOMETHING ON ACCOUNT,

THEY WILL BE OBLIGED TO RESORT TO THE PREMISES.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

SELL MY FURNITURE.

YOU CANNOT SELL MINE, I AM AFRAID.

I HAVE HARDLY ANY.

IF YOU HAVE A STICK, SHE WILL SELL IT.

SHE IS THE MEANEST WOMAN IN ENGLAND.

THAT IS WHY I AM ALSO THE RICHEST.

MR. SAGAMORE, MY MIND IS MADE UP,

I WILL MARRY THIS DOCTOR.

ASCERTAIN HIS NAME

AND MAKE THE NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS.

YOU TAKE CARE, DOCTOR.

SHE IS UNFAITHFUL TO HER HUSBAND

IN WANTING TO MARRY YOU.

SHE FLIRTED WITH ME, TOOK ME DOWN THE RIVER

AND MADE ME BELIEVE I WAS TO BE ALASTAIR'S SUCCESSOR

LONG BEFORE EVER SHE SAW YOU.

SEE WHAT SHE HAS DONE TO ME.

SHE WILL DO THE SAME TO YOU

WHEN THE NEXT MAN TAKES HER FANCY.

WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY TO THAT?

YOU MUST LEARN

TO TAKE CHANCES IN THIS WORLD.

THIS DISAPPOINTED PHILANDERER

TRIES TO FRIGHTEN YOU

WITH MY UNFAITHFULNESS.

HE HAS NEVER BEEN MARRIED.

I HAVE.

AND I TELL YOU

IN THE VERY HAPPIEST MARRIAGES

NOT A DAY PASSES

WITHOUT A THOUSAND MOMENTS

OF UNFAITHFULNESS.

YOU BEGIN BY THINKING YOU HAVE ONE HUSBAND,

YOU FIND YOU HAVE A DOZEN.

THERE IS THE CREATURE YOU HATE AND DESPISE

AND ARE TIED TO FOR LIFE.

AND BEFORE BREAKFAST IS OVER,

THE FOOL SAYS SOMETHING NICE

AND BECOMES THE MAN YOU ADMIRE AND LOVE.

AND BETWEEN THESE EXTREMES,

THERE ARE A THOUSAND DEGREES

WITH A DIFFERENT MAN AND WOMAN

AT EACH OF THEM.

A WIFE IS ALL WOMEN TO ONE MAN--

SHE IS EVERYTHING THAT IS DEVILISH,

THE THORN IN HIS SIDE,

THE JEALOUS TERMAGANT,

THE DETECTIVE DOGGING ALL HIS MOVEMENTS,

THE NAGGER, THE SCOLDER, THE WORRIER.

HE HAS ONLY TO TELL HER AN AFFECTIONATE LIE,

AND SHE BECOMES HIS COMFORT,

HIS HELPER.

AT BEST, HIS GREATEST TREASURE,

AT WORST, HIS TROUBLESOME BUT BELOVED CHILD.

ALL WIVES ARE ALL THESE WOMEN IN ONE.

ALL HUSBANDS, ALL THESE MEN IN ONE.

WHAT DO THE UNMARRIED KNOW

OF THIS INFINITELY DANGEROUS,

HEART-TEARING LIFE OF ADVENTURE

WE CALL MARRIAGE?

FACE IT AS YOU WOULD FACE A DANGEROUS OPERATION.

HAVE YOU NOT PERFORMED HUNDREDS OF THEM?

OF A SURETY,

THERE IS NO WIT AND NO WISDOM

LIKE THAT OF A WOMAN ENSNARING THE MATE

CHOSEN FOR HER BY ALLAH.

YET I AM VERY WELL AS I AM.

WHY SHOULD I CHANGE?

I SHALL BE VERY HAPPY AS AN OLD BACHELOR.

CAN YOU FEEL MY PULSE EVERY DAY

AS AN OLD BACHELOR?

UH! I HAD FORGOTTEN THE PULSE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

IT IS IRRESISTIBLE.

IT IS A PULSE IN A HUNDRED THOUSAND.

I LOVE IT, I CANNOT GIVE IT UP.

YOU WILL REGRET IT TO THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

MR. SAGAMORE, YOU HAVE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.

Patricia: CONGRATULATIONS, DARLING.