All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S05E09.The.Gratitude.List

Okay, I understand apple,
blueberry, and pumpkin,

but why do you always
make a rhubarb pie?

Nobody likes it.
-Mnh-mnh.

Yeah.
It's the Oakland of pies.

I like it.

We used to fight over it
when I was a kid.

Sometimes it was
quite the "rhubarb."

Are you "pumpkin"
kiddin' me?

Okay, but, mom,
why all of this

when it's just gonna be
you, Dad, and Eve?

Well, this is
Eve's last Thanksgiving

before she goes off
to college,

and it is my job
as a mother

to make sure she
misses the hell out of us.

Well,
I wanted to be here,

but the restaurant
will be packed.

Can't ask
my entire staff to work

and then take
the night off.

That "we're all one big team"
speech I gave last week

is really biting me
in the ass.

I would
totally rather be here

than having dinner
with Kyle's grandmother.

Apparently,
as people get older,

they lose interest in chewing
with their mouth closed.

Well, it'll be like
you guys are here in spirit.

In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna put you at the top
of my Gratitude List

so that when I read this
tomorrow at dinner,

it'll be like you're here.

-Aww, thanks, Mom.
-Yeah.

Really, it means a lot that you
put us above Epsom salts.

Hey, Dad,
can I ask you something?

"May I ask you
something?"

And no.

Grammar --
always hilarious.

So, Amy's parents are taking her
to winter park tomorrow.

Can I go?
-Do I have to pay anything?

-No.
-Do I have to drive anywhere?

They're gonna
pick me up.

Okay,
it's good by me.

But I'm gonna have to check
with your mom.

It's the holidays.
-Ugh.

I like
to give her a vote.

Much as parents love
seeing their kids grow up,

those empty chairs at the table
still kind of break your heart.

Sorry, kid.
I did everything I could.

What?

-- Captions by VITA --

**

But for some reason,

Turkey tastes better
when you kill it yourself.

N-not lamb, though.
No.

It's tough to get that cute
little face out of your head.

That's why it's so easy
to eat crabs.

They look like jerks.

Ah. You're right.

I'm going up to the cabin
for the holiday

to work on my novel.

It's --
it's about a sad man

who spends Thanksgiving
all alone in his cabin.

You want to come?

Uh, that sounds great,
but, uh, Mandy and I

are having Thanksgiving
together -- just the two of us.

-Ah.
-I'm -- I'm sorry.

Just you and Mandy?
Really?

Yeah, we're having
Cornish game hens and lasagna.

Lasagna
on Thanksgiving?

Oh, yeah, no, we know about
the pilgrims and everything,

but Columbus was here first
with a bunch of Italians,

so somebody
was having lasagna.

[ Groans ]

Hey, Kris.

Where's Kyle?

Uh, he's helping Ed.

Hey, you know,
I just wanted to say,

I think it's so nice,
what you guys are doing --

spending the day with Kyle's
grandma at her retirement home.

Yeah, well, old people
love attention

and pudding...

And CBS.

You're, uh, really making
a sacrifice.

I know, but the way I look
at it, it's Thanksgiving.

It's not "Thanks-taking."

Yeah, sometimes
it's "Thanks-lying."

I don't think
that's a thing.

You -- you and Kyle aren't gonna
be with his grandma.

You lied to Mom.

[ Flatly ] Oh, no.

Don't tell Santa, or I won't get
that bike I asked for.

Kyle!

Mandy, y-you saw how upset
Mom was yesterday.

Maybe I only get this
because I'm a mom now,

but families spending
the holidays together --

it means a lot.

That's why Ryan and Boyd
are eating here tonight.

Well,
Kyle is basically family.

I mean, he thinks of Dad
as a father,

which makes
me and Kyle --

okay, went down
a blind alley there.

Look, Kyle and I are starting
our own new tradition.

Mom would understand.
-Hey.

-Hey, let's go.
-Uh, Ed will be right out.

He's in the linen closet
getting more tablecloths.

You know,
I'm surprised at you, Kyle.

It's not like you to lie.

You're right.

Ed's in the bathroom again.
He asked me not to say anything.

Kyle doesn't know.

Didn't know.

Whatever, let's go.

Well, hope you
enjoy your lasagna.

Oh, we will.

What are we angry about
again?

Kyle!

Well, honey, smells like
we're about 20 minutes away

from a perfect
Thanksgiving meal.

Actually, we're just about ready
to sit down and eat.

Oh, no.
Trust the nose, honey.

We are 20 minutes away.

Mike, we are not waiting
for halftime.

Damn it.

Just DVR the game.

Wow, it smells like we
are 20 minutes away from --

I already tried it.

Damn it!

-You take that.
-Oh, look at all this food.

You do realize
it's only three of US

And only one of us
has a teenager's metabolism,

if you know what I mean.

Well, at the Baxter house,
we do holidays right.

Besides,
I've got 16 bowls,

and I am using
every one of them.

Eve, honey,
you haven't put

anything
on the Gratitude List yet.

Oh, yeah.
Do we, uh --

do we really
have to do that this year?

What do you mean?
It's tradition.

Well, I know,
but, I mean, let's face it.

I-it's kind of goofy.

[ Chuckles ]
Goofy?

Yeah.

Well, I guess I-I've never seen
being grateful as goofy.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean goofy.

That would imply
that there was

some sort
of entertainment value.

I love hearing
what my family is grateful for.

Yeah, well,
maybe just a little too much.

Y-you get
kind of emotional,

and your tears get
into the stuffing.

That may be
a health-code violation.

Uh, fine, fine.

If, uh --
if you don't want to do it,

we don't have to do it.

Okay, cool. Thanks.

Um, I'll go get Dad.

[ Sighs ]

You keep doing that,

that countertop
is gonna burst into flame.

Listen, I'm just taking
a wild guess here,

but you're upset
about something?

Did you notice anything missing
at dinner tonight?

Uh...

You usually make
biscuits.

Oh, crap!

Well,
other than those, uh,

charcoal briquettes,
what's missing?

The Gratitude List.

Oh, that explains why dinner
was hot when we ate it.

I thought
you didn't do that

just 'cause the other girls
weren't here.

No, Eve asked
that we not do it this year.

She said it was goofy.

Well, if we're eliminating
goofy things, I've got a list.

I worked really hard to make
this last Thanksgiving

before she goes off to college
nice,

but is she grateful?

No, apparently not.

Come on, honey.

All the girls were like that
when they're 17.

The grateful part
of their brain

is a little undercooked,
unlike those biscuits.

You know what? Just go.
Go watch your game.

I'm gonna talk to Eve.

No, no. Don't do that.
Don't do that, Mike.

No, it -- I am not gonna
feel better

if somebody has to tell her
to apologize.

I will feel better if she
just realizes it on her own.

But I think
kids realize things

when parents tell them
those things really loud.

I do not want you
to fix this, okay?

I'm just telling you
how I feel.

Just respect that,
all right?

-All right.
-Yeah, okay.

-Great dinner.
-Thanks.

You, my den, now.

When Mom's feelings get hurt,
what's the best thing to do?

Mm, flowers, candy,
something shiny?

I don't know.
This is your problem, old man.

I didn't do anything.
You did.

Me?

Listen, you crapped all over
the Gratitude List.

You called it goofy?

Well, it kind of is.

But you said it.

But she said she was fine
with not doing it.

You know, you can't always go
by what your mom says.

It's what makes living with her
so interesting.

Okay, well, I totally did not
mean to hurt her feelings.

I'll just tell her we talked,
and I'll apologize.
No, no, no, no, Eve.

Don't do that.
That's not a good idea.

If she found out
I was doing something

to make her happy,
she'd kill me.

Like I said --
interesting.

Okay, so,
what should I do?

The holiday's been going
real good. Dinner was great.

Just tell her that. Tell her
everything was wonderful.

Yeah,
dinner was perfect,

although sometimes
we have biscuits.

No, no, no, no, we're not
gonna talk about the biscuits.

Maybe you guys
could watch a movie.

She used to love to do that
when you were little.

Okay, anything
but "Mamma Mia!," though.

She sings along, Dad.

You didn't have to go see it
in the theater with her.

She started singing
"Dancing Queen."

I went to get popcorn.
I never came back.

Do you want more wine?

Uh, no.

Yeah, me neither.

I don't like it as much
since I turned 21.

But let's toast
to your grandmother --

the reason we can have our first
Thanksgiving alone together.

Yay.

Don't you mean, "Yay!"?

I feel
a little uncomfortable

about being a part of this lie
you told your parents.

Do you mean the lie I told them
or the gift I gave them?

Oh, great.

We lied to them and I forgot
to get them a gift?

No.
The lie is the gift.

Look, lying gets a bad rap,
but sometimes it's a good thing.

Like, today -- I lied,

and we get
to have Thanksgiving together,

which makes us happy.

My mom thinks we're
with your grandmother,

which makes my mom happy.

And we'll just tell your
grandmother we spent the day

with her since she
won't know the difference.

All of these
heartwarming moments

brought to you
by the lie.

I-I guess
I always thought

that honesty
was the best policy,

although Outdoor Man's
return policy is a close second.

Think about it.

When somebody says,
"Can I be honest with you,"

what they're really saying is,
"Hey, can I hurt your feelings?"

At least they were
nice enough to ask.

All I know is,
when I lied to my mom,

she was beaming
with pride.

What kind
of a monster would I be

to take that away
from her?

Well, I'm happy
that you're happy

and that it makes you
feel so good

to have your mother
think you're a good person.

I am a good person.

Right?

Can I be honest
with you?

Thanksgiving night --

already five neighbors
have their Christmas lights up.

You know what
I feel like doing?

Finding
some well-fed dogs,

get some paper bags,
and stick matches.

Well, you're in luck.
Muffin's good to go.

Got into the leftovers
and ate half a pie.

Sound like you're in
a better mood. [ Shivers ]

I am, I am.

Our lovely daughter just said
some wonderful things to me.

Well, you can add that
to your Gratitude List.
Yeah.

Eve told me how much
she appreciated

the wonderful dinner
I made,

and then she asked if I wanted
to watch a movie with her.

-Great, "Mamma Mia!"?
-Yeah.

I wanted that one,
but Eve told me she just saw it.

Ah.

She said she's got
the perfect

Thanksgiving movie --
"Hostel."

I guess...

it's some kind
of travel film.

Yeah.

I'm happy for you.

Even though
you were wrong?

Wrong?

Mike, you wanted to fix this
by confronting Eve.

I thought she would realize she
upset me and fix it herself.

I was right.

Certainly would appear
that way.

Come on.
You always want to confront.

I mean, look at the way
you just reacted

to the neighbors'
Christmas lights.

For the love of God,
it's Thanksgiving!

Really, Mike?

You can't look me
in the eye

and just say three
little words --

"I was wrong"?

I...

did...

this.

What?
What are you talking about?

I confronted Eve.
I told her to apologize.

This is how
Mike fixes Thanksgiving.

Why would you do that
when I asked you not to?

I've done it with all the girls
since they were little.

You're welcome.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,
wait a minute, what?

Are you telling me
that every time

they apologized,
they didn't mean it?

Who the hell cares
whether they mean it or not?

[ Stammers ]
The point is
to make them feel bad, right?

No, what?

Hey, mom, do you want me
to make popcorn for the movie?

Uh, no, Eve, I don't think
there's going to be a movie...
Don't --

...because your father
just told me the truth.

[ Sighs ] Okay, yes,
"Hostel" is a horror film.

But if you can look past
the dismembering,

Slovakia is beautiful.

Eve, you apologized
because your dad told you to.

-You told her?
-Hey, you know, this is fun.

Why don't we yell at Mike
every Thanksgiving?

Okay, wait, so,
you tell me to apologize,

and then you take credit
for it.

That's pretty low, Dad.
-Unbelievable.

Whoa, wait, wait.
Unbelievable, Mike,
just unbelievable!

Wait a minute, hold it!
You know what?!

You know what?!

I'm gonna go into my den
and watch football,

and I'm gonna think about
what I've done!

Honey, don't fold laundry
when you're mad.

It just undoes the work
of the fabric softener.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Mike, I specifically asked you
not to talk to her.

And I specifically
am saying I'm sorry.

It just undercuts everything
we should be doing as parents.

Why is that?

Eve did something wrong.
I got her to apologize.

Isn't that what we wanted?
No, no, Mike.

[ Scoffs ]

I want to know
that our girls have learned

to do the right thing
without you forcing them.

I get that,
but isn't my way faster?

No. Honey, that might have
worked when they were little,

but they're grown now,

and you are not always
gonna be there to fix things.

Neither am I.

Well, technically,
you're not fixing things now.

Yeah, fine.
[ Door opens ]

Hey, there you are.
Happy Thanksgiving.

What are you doing here?
Everything all right
at the store?

Oh, yeah, we are super busy,
but I just took a quick break.

Something about a holiday that
makes you want to see your mama.

[ Chuckles ]

-Wow.
-[ Smooches ]

Okay, well, I got to get back
to work, so...

[ Chuckles ]

-Kris.
-Yeah?

Thank you for that.

Um, you can't possibly know
how much that means to me...

Especially today.

We have a little situation
with your sister.

Oh.
You know about that?

See, this is why
Mandy should never lie.

She's really bad at it.

Mandy?
Mandy?

And why I should
never tell the truth.

I think it is safe
to say

that this is
the worst Thanksgiving ever.

I say we look
for the positive in this.

The positive?
[ Scoffs ]

Eve tells me that
the Gratitude List is goofy.

Mandy lies to get out
of eating with us.

If it wasn't
for our daughter

that got pregnant
in high school,

I would say we failed
as parents.

But doesn't this give us
a chance to see

if one of our kids will do the
right thing all by themselves?

What
are you talking about?

-Well, Mandy lied.
-Yeah.

If she comes clean,

I will say those three words
you've been waiting to hear --

"We were right."

So, how do we
get Mandy to confess?

Should we --
should we do good cop, bad cop?

No, no, no, no, no.
We can't make her do it.

She has to do it
on her own.

Let's get her drunk.
That'll work.

We're not gonna
get her drunk.
I-I know, I know.

Okay, okay, okay.

Maybe you should have
a few pops.

You know what, honey?
I changed my mind.

I-I-I don't want to know if the
kids will do the right thing.

Listen, just please
have a little faith.

Why are you so calm?

Did you call Mandy
and tell her to confess?

No, I did not.

The one time I need you to go
behind my back, you fail me!

[ Sighs ] I asked you not
to do it, you do it.

I want you to do it,
you don't do it.

This is why you're the most
interesting woman in the world.

Hey, guys.

VANESSA: Hi.

Well, good night.
-Oh, no.

No, no, no.
Come over here.

Tell us how it was having dinner
with, uh, Kyle's grandma.

Well, it's always great
to spend time

with Kyle, wherever we are.

Well, it was nice of you
to give up

dinner with family
to be with her.

Yeah, I don't want
to say anything else.

It'll just
sound like bragging.

D-do you want a shot
of bourbon?

No, she doesn't want
a shot of bourbon!
I know, I know, I know.

I know.

We're just happy
the type of person

you turned out to be --

the kind of person
that does the right thing.

Yeah.

Hey, listen --
-What is it, honey?

Kyle and I didn't actually --

Yeah, what?
What is it? What?

Uh...have dessert.

Is there any pie left?

Yeah, there --
there's plenty.

Go stuff your face.

Okay, thanks.

So, she says,
"Let's have kids."

I say, "Okay,"
and here we are.

All right, so,
now I know.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Mom, uh, Dad, can I talk
to you for a second?

Not unless you're pregnant

'cause we could use
some good news.

There's a reason I didn't put
anything on the Gratitude List.

Yeah, because
we're horrible parents.

There's pie.
Go stuff your face.

No, it's because I'm not good
with feelings.

I mean showing them,
sharing them...

Having them.

What are you
talking about?

I was gonna put one word
on the list -- "family."

But then you'd ask me what
I meant and I'd have to explain

and then I'd be knee-deep
in feelings.

Well, what did you mean
by "family"?

[ Sighs ]

God, Dad.

All right, fine,

but just, uh --
just don't look at me, okay?

Seriously?

Okay, okay,
honey, look at the floor. Stare.

Look at the floor.

I've been thinking a lot about
going to college next year

and all the things
that I'm gonna miss --

Dad's joking
and his serious talks,

Mom's terrible puns

and how she never stops
thinking about us.

-Oh, honey.
-Mom.

Sorry, sorry.

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm gonna miss my sisters

and how we fight

and how I know they'd fight
anyone twice as hard for me.

I grew up in this
really terrific, safe place

where it didn't matter
how I behaved.

I was still loved.

And I'm grateful
that when I leave,

I'm gonna miss you all and your
goofy traditions so, so much

because
that pain of missing you

is just proof it was perfect
in so many ways.

Can I look up now?

Because I want to hug you,
and I don't want to miss.

So...
We are good parents.

At this point,
I'll take two out of three.

I can't take it.
I lied.

Kyle and I didn't spend
Thanksgiving with his grandma.

See, honey?
You're right. She lied.

Oh, Mandy,
I'm so proud of you.

We were right.

-Hey, there.
-Hey.

It's technically still
Thanksgiving until 12:00,

so I can stuff my face
till then.

Mmm.
Yeah.

And since it still
is technically Thanksgiving,

it's a perfect time
to do the Gratitude List.

Great.

I'm eating pie, so you --
you start.

Okay, all right,
well, uh...

I am grateful for hot tea
on cold mornings,

sunrise and sunset,

the sound
of children's laughter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am especially thankful
for my incredible partner --

yes --
who has helped me raise

three amazing,
caring children.

We've done a fabulous job,
and there is no one

I would rather
spend my life with than you.

Ditto.