All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S05E03.Ping-Pong

Oof.
I need more java.

The shakes give my fashion
designs a little extra
pizzazz.

Ooh.

A certain
je ne sais "quoi-fee."

I don't get it.

It's worse when you do.

You've been
working
really hard

since you got back
from New York, Mandy.

Yeah, well,
I got to prove

that everything Donna Karan said
about me was wrong.

Except for when she said,

"If nothing else,
you're pretty."

That was really sweet.

You don't even know
when someone's insulting you.

You're amazing.

Thank you.

Lot of mail today, folks.

Oh, anything for me?

Just the usual six pounds
of women's pajama catalogs.

Say goodbye
to the rainforest.

You women just have to look good
while you sleep.

Oh, come on.
You get catalogs for men.

Yeah?
Bed, Bath &
Bullets?

Crate & Bullets?
Which one?

Ooh. So cute.

Ooh, silk.
So copying this pattern.

Or these.
So cozy.

So
ordering.
So sad.

Well, Eve, we got
our raft-trip information.

Now maybe that kid with
the banjo will learn a new song.

Hells yeah!
Up top.
Up top.

What are you guys doing?

Just the awesome

dad-daughter whitewater
senior year spectacular.

No bigs.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You took Kristin on that.

Even though
she was pregnant.

Well, my grandson
is sharp as a tack.

Apparently, all that jostling
in utero made his mind sharp.

Another Baxter family
tradition,

like going to
church
every
Sunday

and watching dad do
that open-eye sleep thing.

Amen!
Amen, everybody.

You know, that rafting
trip
is not a tradition

if not
everybody
went on one.

Uh-huh.

I asked her senior year.
I'm sure you were so busy.

Actually,
you never offered.

What?!

Mom, I wouldn't
have gone anyway.

I'm not really
into rafting.

I mean, look at me, people.
Why would I be?

Wow.

Hillary Clinton's
asking us for
money.

Will her string of mistakes
never end?

The hits keep on coming,
but she'll never top Benghazi.

That's her
Stairway to Heaven.

Yeah, that's the kind
of screw-ups that happen

when you spend all your
free time deleting e-mails.

(whimpering)

It's not a mistake.
I donated to Hillary.

I think it's time.

Well, I think it's time

to pierce my broken heart
with this knife.

Mom, I know you
love
the show Scandal,

but do you really
want to watch it

every night
for four years?

Yes, I do.

And every night, I will be
in a different pair of
pajamas.

What would I do
without
Eve?

Well, you're never gonna
have to worry about Eve.

You two will always be
talking politics,

going to games,
shooting guns.

The real question is,

what are you gonna do
with Mandy?

Sounds like
I'll be kind of busy.

You know,
Mandy's gonna be gone
soon,

and if you don't have
something in common,

she's just gonna
become
a holiday child.

A holiday child?
Yeah.

You know, one of those kids
you just see on the holidays?

Like the baby
Jesus.

You need to find
stuff to do with
Mandy.

I think I know
what I'm talking
about.

You used to know
what you were talking about.

This letter
ruins your credibility.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Give me one reason --
one reason.

I just think it's
time.

Ed, if you were putting money
in the election,

who would you bet on?

My streak of backing
losers
is over, Mike.

Bobby Jindal all the way.

Oh, there's money
well-spent.

Hey, I was just looking
through
the security footage.

Did you guys know

Kyle sneaks in at night
and stocks the shelves?

Kid's got a problem
with breaking and organizing.

Thanks, Chuck.

How's your boy
doing
at Florida State?

Oh, I haven't talked to Grant
in a while.

Wow. If I knew that's all
it took not to talk to
you,

I'd move to Florida.

But we text
all the time.

Last night, they had pizza
in the dining hall.

He was fired up.
Look at all those emoticons.

Oh, it's so good to be a
parent
these days.

So much easier to stay connected
with all that technology.

Exactly.

Every time I post
on Facebook,

my four daughters
like the hell out of it.

Yeah, that's good.

Except you have
five daughters, Ed.

If you count
Maria.

I like to count
all my
kids.

She and I never had
that much in common.

Yeah, but you see her
on
holidays.

Oh, I guess
we drifted apart.

Holidays?

I haven't heard from Maria
in 10 years.

Hey! My boy's having tacos
for lunch!

All right.
Let's go.

Okay. Gun range
or batting
cage?

You know what?
Actually, just surprise
me.

No, actually,
I'm talking to your sister.
Huh?

Why

Am I in trouble?

No, no.

I just thought
it would be a great day

for dad to take his fav--

one of his
favorite daughters out.

Um, I can't, dad.

I actually have
a lot of sewing to do.

Well, have your mom do it.

She's always looking for
extra chores to do around
here.

Or is that
just the opposite?

Okay, wait.

I think the way everyone wins is
I go, we have
fun,

and Mandy stays here and
does whatever it is she does.
All right.

I like Eve's thing.

Listen, listen,

but this is really
about you and I.

Let's just go
do something together.

Uh, we -- Let's go to a
movie.
Seen
it.

-I haven't told you which one.
-Seen all of them.

All right, we can do anything.
Anything you want to do.

Can we go to
Paris?!

I don't think mom knows
what I'm dealing with here.

Hey, Evie,
is your dad here?

He's on his way to Paris.
Good.

Uh, listen.

I wanted to talk to you

about your reaction
to my political donation.

Look, I still love
you.

Are we cool?

Sit

Ugh, fine.

Evie, look.

For the first time
in the history of this country,

the president
might not be a man.

I mean,
think about that.

There's never been a more
exciting time to be a woman.

It's always an exciting time
to be a
woman.

That's why
we're always so happy.

No, come
on.

Electing a woman
now
would really mean something.

I just don't think
Hillary's that strong.
What?

I feel like
Congress could cheat on her,

and she'd just
look
the other way.

I mean, do you even agree
with any of her positions?

It doesn't matter.
I would vote for any woman.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

So, like, Mrs. Hitler?
Mrs.
Stalin?

I think it's safe to say
that they would have done

a better
job
than their
husbands.

What I mean is
I would vote for any woman

with the necessary experience
and a real shot, like Hillary.

Whatever.
Support who you want.

It's a free
country.

Thanks to the Army

Bill did such a good job
dodging.

But he got to be
president,

and even though
Hillary got better grades

at Yale law
school.

Yeah, and that's probably
the only time he didn't cheat.

Mom?!

All I can say is,
you're welcome.

We went to the
mall!
And we had the best time!

You, uh...

You here to
audition
for One Direction?

Haters are gonna hate.
Peace out.

Hi.

Hey.
What'd you
do?

I wanted to
snap
some
pics.

Oh,
I didn't want to wrinkle

those dope
threads.

You hated the outfit.

No, no, no, I just wanted to
put it in a safe place,

in the bag where it came from,
next to the
receipt.

I may take it for a ride
a little later.

Dad, you were the one who said
it was such a big deal

that we spend some time
together.

I knew
this was a bad
idea.

It's not a bad idea,
honey.
Honey, listen.

We just got to find something
that we both like.

Yeah. Okay.

What about the stuff we
did
when you were little?

Uh, we could have
a tea
party.

We could join
the Tea Party.

Go to the putting green.

We could join
the putting green.

Dad, this is dumb.
We should just give up, okay?

That's one thing we
don't have in common,
is I don't
quit.

Yeah,
but think about it.

If you did,
we'd have something in common.

And then we'd be done.

Evie,
look what I found for you.

Hmm
The Feminine Mystique.

Mm.

It's a landmark
text
in women's history.

I read it in high school,
and it changed my life.

Who wrote "Mrs. Tom Selleck"
100 times?

(knock on door)

Hey, Mr. Larabee.

Ah, hello, nice Baxters.

Hey, Chuck.

What are you doing here?

I got your text.

Oh, right.
Right, right,
right.

Um, uh, so, so --
Come in.

I'm in.

Yeah, uh...

What's up?

Vanessa, my dinner's
getting cold. I don't --
All right, all right,
all right.

Chuck, um,
I-I was just wondering

if you wouldn't mind
explaining to me and Eve

what it was like for you
on election day, 2008.

Oh, it was a great day
for the country.

Mm.

But -- but specifically,
what was it like for you?

Well, as an American...
Mm-hmm.

...I'm always happy
when the best candidate wins.

Of course.
We all are.

But -- but the election
of 2008

must have had
a special resonance for you.

Why?

What my mom
is trying to say
is

that you must have been happy
because a black guy won.

See
Oh!

No. I was happy
because a smart guy won.

A smart,
bla--frican American.

A smart American
with smart
policies.

I know, but, Chuck,
you might have voted for him

even if you didn't agree
with his positions, right?

Why would I do that --

vote for someone just because
we had something in common

without taking into account
their positions?

That's ridiculous.

Chuck, your
dinner's
getting cold.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

"Bla-frican American."

(chuckles)

Not cool.

(sighs)

That didn't go as planned,
did it, mom?

Honey, why the hell
don't you care about this?

Because
I don't worry about stuff

that happened
a million years ago.

The only problem women
have

is that they can't let go
of the past.

So, you don't think

that after 240
years
of doing things one way,

it's not time
for a change?

Look around, mom.

Our lives, this house,
this kitchen --

I mean, the old way seems
to work pretty well for
us.

Sweetie, we're more than
just cooks and servants.

We can do more
than shop and clean

and bake things and --

(timer dings)
Not now, cookies!

Kristin

Hey, Ed.
Hey.

Kris, I, um...

I know
I don't always say it.

I just want to tell
you
how much it means

that -- that you come to
me
for advice.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

I do give
pretty great advice, hmm?

Ed?

Mm?

Would you like me
to ask you for advice?

Oh, no. No.
No, I do not. No.

I love you, Ed,

but you're kind of
eating into my break here.

Okay.
I-I need some advice.

Oh.

Is it about
how to talk to people?

No, no, no.

It's -- it's about --
it's about my daughter Maria.

See, we've --
well, lost touch.

Part of me wants to fly to Vegas
to make things right with
her.

She lives in Cleveland.

I know,
but I want to go to Vegas.

Think she'd
meet me there?

Um, I think it's nice
that you want to
fix

your relationship
with your daughter.

(sighs)

We're just so different.

Did you and your dad
always do things together?

(chuckles)
Not in high school.

We had nothing in common.

How about that
great
rafting trip you went on?

No.
He had to drag me on that.

He wouldn't take "no"
for an
answer.

Or "I'm pregnant!"
For an answer.

Yeah,
my pal can be stubborn.

I'm glad he was.

That trip was
one of my favorite memories.

Maybe I should have
been
more tenacious with Maria,

a little more insistent
that we do things
together.

See, the thing
about us daughters

is that we can resent our dads
for being overbearing,

but love them for
it
at the same time.

Well, I'm sure there's one thing
that all dads can appreciate --

it's schizophrenic
mixed messages.

I failed as a mother.

Is another one of the girls
pregnant?

'Cause if so,

just put a pillow over my head
and press really hard.

No, no, no.
No one's pregnant.

I just -- I can't explain
feminism to Eve.

Well, you probably need a man
to do it.

Watch it.

The reason Eve
doesn't see the world that way

is because of the incredible job
you have done as a mother.
What?

With the way
you handle yourself,

you almost make
being a female an asset.

Almost?

Come on!
You know what I'm talking about.

No, not really, I don't.

All these girls see Is

an incredibly bright,
tough woman who has no limits.

Well, that
woman
sounds great.

We should get her
to talk to Eve.

MANDY: Dad!

Okay,
I've been racking my brain

for something
we can do together,

and I've finally got it.

All right, I'm --
I'm on board. What?

Remember
ping pong Saturdays?
Ping pong Saturdays.

Ping pong!
Ping
pong!

Ping!
Pong!

(laughing) Hey!

I got to go plan
an outfit.

Ooh, maybe
something
with white polka dots.

You'll never find
the ball.

(laughs)

That's funny.
Yeah.

I thought you hated
ping pong Saturdays.

I did.
I really did.

You know what?
You're a good dad.

Want me to help you bring
that ping pong table up
from the
basement?

No, I'll get it.
I'll get
it.

Well, you'll kill yourself
if you try to do it alone.

Yeah, I'm banking on it.
I'm banking on it.

Whoo! This is bringing
back
some memories!

Man, I put some beatings on
you
back in the day!

(laughs

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, I'm
surprised

you wanted
to play with me again.

You and me both.

(taps table)
Okay.

You remember the rules?
You know, loser buys ice
cream.

Yeah. Hope you brought
your wallet, loser!

Okay, my
serve.
All right.

Oh!

Ohh! Man.

You still got
that weird serve.

All right,
1 serving zero.

Yeah, a big zero.
Ready?

Ah, man!

What are you putting on that,
a little spin?

Dad, come on.
What are you
doing?

I'm getting my ass kicked
just like I usually do.

Your serve.

I'm not a little kid anymore.
You don't have to let me win.

Yes, I do.

As annoying as you are
when you win,

it's worse
when you lose.

Excuse me.
I'm not gonna lose, old man.

Now, I want you
to try for
real.

No, you don't.
Yeah, I do!

I'm gonna beat you
for real.
No, you aren't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you a chicken?

(clucking)

What is that?
What are you doing?

Playing right-handed.
Why?

Because
I'm right-handed.

Serve the ball.

All right.
Lucky shot.

Yeah.

Like to see you
try that again.

Serve
again.

All right.
Maybe I will.

Stop cheating!

It's not cheating.

Yeah. You are.

You're using a
left-handed paddle
in your right
hand.

That's called
cheating.

I'll go
left-handed.
How about that?

I wasn't ready!

You served.

I hate this game!

That's why
I let you win.

Hey, mom, what's
up?

Oh, nothing.
Nothing

I'm just catching up

on some stuff that
happened
a million years ago.

Ancient
history.

You know,
back in those
days,

they would print these books
one at a time

using a potato
they carved.

Mom, I know we've been having
a disagreement, but...

I really do respect you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe too much.

Too much?

You have a PhD.

You were the Vice President
of an energy company.

Those cookies were awesome.

No, I get it.

I'm great.
Great, great, great.

You think
there's nothing I can't
do.

Well, you're not that great
around black
people.

My mom was great, too.

She's the first woman
in our family to go to
college.

And you will go
farther
than both of us

because you'll probably wind
up
a four-star
general.

You seem to be listing
good things in an angry tone.

I don't get what
you're so worried about, mom.

I am worried about
your daughter.

My
daughter?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I did so
well
that you think

there's nothing
left
for women to fight
for.

And since you're doing
even
better,

your daughter
will probably end up
losing

some of these
things
that we worked so hard to get.

That's not gonna happen.

It could.

What's that you always say
in battle?

If you're not advancing...

You're
retreating.
Yeah.

(sighs)

All right.
I'm all ears, Mrs. Selleck.

What's the matter?
You're not eating.

This used to be your favorite
part of ping pong Saturday.

Yeah, that's 'cause
I was celebrating my
victories.

I'm only here today
'cause you dragged me.

Yeah, I drag my daughter out
to eat ice cream.

What a monster
I've turned into.

Why would you let me think
that I was good at ping pong

when I was little?

You always say
people should earn
what they get.

Yeah, but maybe you weren't
the only one getting
something out of it.

What does that mean?
Maybe I wanted
to spend time with you.

And unfortunately,
we learned today

when you lose,
the games get a lot shorter.

Yeah.

I know.
I'm a bad
loser.

(scoffs

You'd think
I'd be better at
it

with how much practice
I've had lately.

This is still about
Donna
Karan?

You've got to
let that thing go, honey.

I just -- I can't believe
I marched into her office

and demanded
that she get to know me.

What was I thinking?

It's called
taking a big swing.

Yeah, well, I whiffed.

Yeah, but you know what?
It took courage.

And the one thing about courage,
you either have it or you don't.

And you have it.
Really?

You came home
from New York

more determined
than ever, right?

Yeah, I am.

That's right.
And you didn't
quit.

That's something
we have in common.
We don't quit.

Yeah. But that might
be
the only thing.

Well, it doesn't have to be
the only thing.

You want to go rafting?

Oh, my God, no.

But thank you for asking.
Mm-hmm.

Hey.
Look at that.

Hey, guys.

Pull up a seat.
Sit down.

No, we're gonna
grab
our own booth.

We have got a lot
to discuss.

Yeah, mom and I are actually
gonna take a trip of our own.

Yeah?
Mm-hmm.

To Susan B. Anthony's
birthplace.

Oh, can we all go?!

Or Peyton Manning's
birthplace.

No, no, no, honey.
We discussed this.

Uh, mom, I'm a
woman
fighting for my rights.

Yeah, no, no.
Well, we talked about
this,

and it's not gonna be...
Mom, wait.

Still arguing?

Hillary Clinton
continues to cause trouble.

46, 12, 28.

What do those numbers mean?

That's my high school locker
combination.

Now I remember.

Actually, 46, that was
Richard Nixon's percentage

when he lost the race for
California governor in 1962.

But the dude bounced back.

He became
president,
opened China,

created the E.P.A.,

and made more recordings
than Frank Sinatra.

12 is the number
of book publishers

that rejected Ayn Rand's
The Fountainhead.

(chuckles)

She wound up
selling
6.5 million copies.

Now, 28 is the embarrassing
number of interceptions

Peyton Manning
threw
in his rookie year.

Now he holds virtually
every NFL passing record,

all achieved
while not once passing

on an offer
for a TV
commercial.

One thing is guaranteed
in life, folks.

You're gonna get knocked down.

The way you pop back up
is what makes you great.

Ayn Rand,
Mikey?
Really?

Atlas shrugged,
and so did all our customers.

You should bet
on people.

They're smarter
than you think, Ed.

What's this?

That's Maria's number.

What?

Call her.
What would I say to her?

It doesn't really matter.
Just make the call.

(sighs) You're right, Mikey.
You're right.

I'm gonna start
by telling her

that after putting her
through college,

she's got a hell of a
nerve

not speaking to me
for 10 years.

Well,
the important thing is

I'm getting along
with my family.