All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S05E02.Free.Range.Parents

I can't believe
Mom still gets actual magazines.

You can get all this stuff
on your iPad.

Wait --

Try th with an iPad.

Uh, I did. That's why
I'm reading a magazine.

Ooh! Look! A review
of the new Ryan Gosling movie.

Don't read that --
we're supposed to be surprised

when we see it with Mom
tomorrow.

Yeahhhhh.

The thing is...
I kind of already saw it.

Mandy! We promised!

Now Mom's gonna look at us
with those big, sad anime eyes.

We just won't tell her,
all right?

It'll be fine.
Just don't crack, okay?

Me? Crack?

Please.

Hi.
What are you guys doing?

Uh,
just making a sandwich.

Geez, Mom,
get off our backs.

Eve is just mad
'cause we ran out of mayonnaise.

How was your day?

I'm a teacher.

If I reach just one student,
it's a good day.

Today was a bad day.

So, you excited to see
the new Ryan Gosling movie?

Yeah, I can't wait.

I mean, I can wait.

I can definitely wait,
right?

Hey, what did happen
to all that mayonnaise?

(door opens)

Hey, Ryan.
Where's Boyd?

Oh, I thought I was gonna
get hung up at work,

so I asked Mike
to pick him up.

But then I finished
my beer delivery super-fast.

Oh. Were all of your deliveries
"light" beer?

(laughs)

(sighing)
Ah, jokes.

Hey, speaking of which,
where are they?

School let out
a half-hour ago.

Dad might be lecturing
the history teacher again.

(laughs)

"Light beer."
So it was easier to carry.

Right!
That's a good one.

Hi, Dad.

The line of cars
for pickup

was three stupid blocks,

so Grandpa parked his damn car,
and we walked home.

It was
a private conversation!

Nice. Yeah, that car line
is getting really slow.

And laying on your horn
doesn't do any good.

Look, he's six blocks from here.
Let him walk home.

Mike, we've talked
about this, okay?

I think
it's way too dangerous.

You think
everything's dangerous.

You know, it's starting
to rub off on that kid.

He looked
at an ice cream truck,

and he called it
"the diabetes wagon."

Well, it is, okay?

Do you want to know why
kids scream for ice cream?

Because they're dying.

Well, all of our kids
walked home from Clark every day

without any problems.

Mm. Except for
our little brother Oliver.

Oh, but it's only been
five years.

Little Ollie
might still turn up.

You know what, don't even joke
about stuff like that, okay?

There are child abductions
all the time.

That's why I don't buy
into the whole

free-range parenting thing.
-Okay, what is that?

Is that where, like,
the kids live on the farm

and learn to make
wooden furniture?

Or wait --
what's Amish?

It's this new movement

where parents are letting their
kids play outside unsupervised.

We used to call that
"childhood."

I just don't see the
upside in letting Boyd
walk home, all right?

You know what, I work
with children every day, Ryan,

and they need to be given
responsibility.

I mean, a good kick in the ass
would be better,

but then I would be
"unfit as an educator."

That was fun today. Can I
walk home by myself tomorrow?

Uh, I don't know about that,
buddy.

Come on, Dad.
Please?

I'll help you
save the whales.

We won't serve whale
at Outdoor Man Grill.

Fine. Okay?
We will try it.
Cool!

But look, you come right home
after school, okay?

No stopping, no talking,
no playing.

Sounds like childhood
in North Korea.

Where you're probably allowed
to kick students in the ass.

Lucky.

Well, congratulations. You get
to walk home from school.

Tonight we celebrate
with a big bowl of diabetes.

-- Captions by VITAC --

What's up, boss?

This is terrible.

Yeah, I know.
Work is boring.

Let's go fishing.

No, I'm talking about the
numbers from the kids' section.

Yeah, I know.
I mean,
nothing is moving.

I'm thinking of doing away
with the whole thing.

No, don't do that,
Mr. Alzate.

We just got all in
this great new stuff,

like this four-person tree swing
that's all like, "Wow!"

And then
these bouncy moon shoes

that are like,
"Thoing! Thoing! Thoing!"

And then this water cannon
is all like, "Doosh!"

I need to go
field-test this.

This is your market
right here --

26-year-olds
that live under power wires.

His whole brain is
"Bvvvvvt."

Dad, did you finish the new
ad layout for the restaurant?

I need to get it
to the newspaper by 3:00.

By 3:00? You better
get it there by 2:00.

The newspaper might be
out of business by then.

Ha ha.

Hey,
so, uh, Ryan tells Me

you talked him into
letting Boyd walk home today?

Yeah. And since I'm on a roll,
maybe we could work on

getting more gluten
back in your life.

Ha ha ha.
No, this is good.

I've been trying to get
him to let Boyd have a
little more independence.

No, this -- this is exactly why
we're not selling toys here.

These parents are
too overprotective nowadays.

My mom once for a birthday party
gave me a plastic gun.

On the box, it said
"A great way to put out an eye."

Okay, Ryan means well.

He just watches the news
too much.

The lefty news.

All they're scared about

is free enterprise
might make somebody rich.

People being scared
is not the problem.

No, no.
It's an opportunity.

I'm thinking of
turning this whole section

into a sales area
for preppers.

Preppers?

You mean the people
who hoard food and batteries

and have hidden shelters
up in the mountains?

The good ones can withstand
nuclear weapons.

(chuckles)

There's a word
for people like that.

(chuckles nervously)
Ed's a prepper.

And that word is "smart."

And "rational."
T-There's two words.

What do you got
in that shelter now, Ed,

besides hand grenades
and Scotch?

A Bible and a Koran.
A Koran?

Yeah. I'm not quite sure which
way this thing is gonna go.

Seriously?

Ed is
one of those crazies

who has a secret bunker
up in the mountains?

Your mom and I have one
up in the mountains.

You do? Where?

Nice try.

And done.

I just bought our movie tickets
online.

Isn't it great
that we can do that now?

-We're like the Jetsons.
-That's great, mom.

After the movie, we can
go to dinner and talk about it.

That's great, Mom.

(mockingly)
"That's great, Mom.
That's great, Mom."

Nothing Mom says is great.
Stop acting so suspicious.

I'm sorry. It's just that every
time she mentions the movie,

I'm afraid I'll slip
and blurt out

that Ryan Gosling's girlfriend
is the killer.

Wait -- what?

Yes. (sighs)
I saw the movie.

No -- His girlfriend's
the killer?

That makes
total sense now.

Wait --
You saw the movie?

Yeah. Didn't you?

I thought I did.

We're horrible daughters.
What should we do?

I mean, I guess we could
tell her that we saw the movie

but we're still happy
to go with her.

No, going to a movie with
someone who's already seen it

is like sitting
in the back of a car

while the people in front
make out.

Okay, would you please
let that go?

Kyle and I forgot
you were there.

Hey. What are you doing home
so early?

I live here.

Why don't you tell
your boyfriend to leave
out the bedroom window?

I know, I know. You want to be
here for when Boyd gets home.

I think it's nice,
honey.

Well, I wasn't
shooting for "nice,"

but sometimes it just happens,
you know, by accident.

(knock on door)

CHUCK: Baxter!

Oh.

Hey, Chuck.
Come on in.

Hey. Hey.
Hey.

Hey, well,
just so you guys know,

a couple of my customers
reported

some suspicious activity
down at Clark elementary.

What are you talking about?
What happened?

Some weird guy lurking around.
It's okay. We -- We got him.

You call the cops?
Well, I figured
that was up to you.

Why's it up to us?

(chuckles)

I could've just had him
walk up with me,

but this was
way more fun.

This is unbelievable.
So, when you told
Boyd to avoid creeps,

you were talking about
yourself.

I was not
being creepy.

Except for
hiding in the bushes.
Yeah, what's that?

No, I wasn't hiding
in the bushes, okay?

I was...

nestling
in the branches.

Branch nestling.

Not cool.

Mom, we better leave
if you want to have time

to look at the snacks
for 10 minutes

and say,
"Eh, I probably shouldn't,

but I did work out
this week."

Yeah, we don't want to miss the
beginning of the movie, right?

Meh.
(chuckles)

Let me
get this straight.

When you said
he could walk home from school,

you were planning all along
to follow him home in the car.

I was not planning on it,
okay?

I was driving here,
and then I passed the school,

and I saw the bush.

So, you know,
I-I took it as a sign.

So, you only
listen to God

when he tells you
to do something stupid?

Yeah, you know what?
This has been really fun,

but I'm gonna go
pick up Boyd.

All right,
but if I get another complaint,

I'm using the Taser.

But you know what?
That might be fun.
Go ahead, man.

Come on. No, wait a minute.
You're not going anywhere.

Sit here and relax.

We'll wait
for Boyd to come home.

Why don't you stick around?
I might need to use that Taser.

All right, good job getting this
set up so fast, Kyle.

Oh, thank you, sir.
Yeah.

All right, we're gonna
open it up with Q&A.

To make sure
I get the right Q's,

I want you
to read from these.

Got it. All right.

Good, good, good.

Did you write these
left-handed?

I was in a hurry.

-Okay.
-Let's do this now.

(clears throat)
Thank you, folks.
Thanks for coming.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Okay, please, uh,
silence your cellphones.

But if one goes off, it's not
the end of the world, so...

Let's open it up
to some questions now.

Uh...
y-young man in the back.

Ah, yes, uh,
thank you, sir.
Yeah. mm-hmm.

Uh, maybe I'm just
an old-fashioned skee pig.

(chuckles)

Um, I-I think
you mean "skeptic."

Yes?
Yes.

Yes. All right.
g-go on, go on. Go ahead.

But is the world really
as scary as you believe?

(chuckling) No.
No, no, no, no.

It's scarier.

That's right.

There are -- There are
many apocalyptic versions

of the end of the world
here.

You know,
there are airborne diseases.

All right, there's invasion from
another country, outer space.

Oh, you mean
like space aliens?

No, like the sun.

It emits solar flares,
and if one ever hits the Earth,

it would cut out
all communications.

What can we do
to stop it?

Nothing.

But we can prepare,
all right?

So, g-go on, go on.
Go on.

Okay, uh, what do we
need to know about

the...Yellowstone
supervolcano?

(chuckles) Well, you all know
that most of Wyoming

is a colossal
volcanic crater.

But my grandma just booked
a bus trip to Yellowstone.

Easy. Easy, son.
Easy, easy.

Easy, son.
(chuckles)

The volcano last erupted
174,000 years ago, so...

Well,
that means it's due.

Well, possibly, possibly.
The, uh -- last summer,

the ground temperature
in Yellowstone got so hot

that the roads
started to melt.

And my grandma
wears crocs.

Okay, I'm not getting
a signal.

It's a solar flare!

All right,
I'm coming, grandma!

Don't listen --

okay, uh, folks,
just -- just re-- just relax.

Okay, it's 2:45 now,
school's just letting out,

so he needs two, three minutes
to gather his stuff,

seven-minute walk home,

so he should be home
between 2:54 and 2:56.

Yeah,
that's probably right.

8-year-old with
a first taste of freedom.

I'm sure
he'll come straight home.

Your kid's walking home
from elementary school,

not crossing out of
the Green Zone in Baghdad.

It's just parents today.
They can't leave the kids
out of their sight.

Ugh. When I was a kid,
we'd leave home in the morning,

wouldn't come back
till dinner.

My dad said, "Stay out
till the streetlights come on,"

and we lived in a neighborhood
that did not have streetlights.

Yeah, next thing
you're gonna tell me

is you didn't wear
sunscreen.

No, no, no,
we had sunscreen,

but we used to put it
between two oreos

and feed it
to our little brother.

We coated my little brother's
head with peanut butter.

Then we realized
he had a bad peanut allergy.

What are you
looking at?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just, uh, I'm checking
my, uh, fantasy...athletes.

-Are you, now?
-Can I have my phone, please?

What's the blinking-dot
athlete? Who is that athlete?

You put a GPS
on your kid.

I attached it
to his clothing, yes.

(laughs)

Why don't you just chip him
like a little puppy?

Okay, fine.
You know what?

Maybe I'm not as brave
as you guys,

but at least
I know where my son is.

Mm.
Yeah.

You should be happy.
He's heading out of school.
Yep.

Just like you said,
but he's, uh...

going towards Cherry Street,
which is...

That -- That's
the wrong way.

Yeah, well, he's probably,

you know, talking to a girl
or chasing a butterfly.

At 35 miles an hour?

He's not that fast.

Little problem,
actually.

I'll drive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.

I made it!

Hello?

I knew this
was gonna happen.

Listen, get a grip,
all right?

There's a perfectly
good explanation for this.

Yeah, he's been kidnapped!
You know, I bet you it's ISIS.

They want recruits,

and they've seen how good
he is on the monkey bars.

Listen, stop panicking,
or I'm gonna have to slap you,

and I don't think
I'll be able to stop!

Can we please
just be going faster?

He's got a point,
Mr. Flintstone.

Make with the feet.

You just keep your eyes
on that GPS, Baxter.

The police
are on their way.

Listen, if -- if I got it right,
he's in, um...

That van right there.

Oh, my God!
He's in a van?!

(siren wailing)
Here come the cops.

Shoot the tires!
Shoot the driver!

Just start shooting!

Or they could start shooting
that bumper sticker

that says "My child is an honor
student at Clark Elementary"!

What?

Ohhh.
(siren chirps)

Oh, is that
the Gundersons' van?

Mm. We'll know in a second.
The cops are pulling them over.

(chuckles)

Hey, Jeffrey.

(chuckles) Jeffrey's mom is
now facedown on the asphalt.

A nice,
middle-aged white lady.

You don't see that
every day.

I'm so excited
to see this!

Hey, do you think
he takes his shirt off?

Twice.
What?

Probably.
I mean, I don't know.

Geez, Mom,
keep it in your pants.

Oh, I wonder if I have time
to go to the snack bar.

I mean, I really shouldn't, but
I did work out this week, so...

Go ahead. Nothing much happens
in the first 20 minutes anyway.

What?
I mean, of any movie.
Everybody knows that.

Hey, did you ever buy
that mayonnaise?

What -- What --
What's going on, Mandy?

Uhhhh...

Eve saw the movie.

Eve!

Oh.
Uh, s-so did Mandy.

Mandy!

So did Eve!

Well,
why'd you guys do that?

Mom, so we saw the movie.
What's the big deal?

Well, I'll tell you
what the big deal is.

I-I just --
It's starting.

(sighs)

It's a big deal because
this was our last tradition.

(sighs)

We don't have tea parties
or go on bike rides

or do any of that stuff
anymore.

This -- this was
the one thing we had left,

and you guys, you couldn't
respect that enough to wait?

-WOMAN: Shh!
-I'm parenting!

Now we -- we don't have the fun
of experiencing this together.

It's -- It's like you guys
are just doing me a favor.

It's not a favor.
We knew you wanted to see it,

and we wanted to
be with you.

WOMAN:
Be with her somewhere else!

Just eat your popcorn!

I just...I really love
spending time with you girls.

We love spending time
with you, too, Mom.

I hope so.

I hope you guys
always feel that way.

Of course we will.

I don't know
if you've figured this out yet,

but we love you.

You guys.

(both chuckle)
Hey!

Wha-- hey!
Who threw that at my mom?

You know what?
Let's just go get some dinner.

We'll tell you what happens
in the movie. Please?

Okay, yeah.
Let's go. Let's go. Okay.

Okay. All right. Fine.

Yeah.

Enjoy your movie.

The girlfriend is
the killer.

How did you know that?

(scoffs)
Never mind. Just...

(video game beeping)

He's here.

Where were you guys?
I was worried about you.

(sighs)

I love you so much.

O-kay.

Look, we were chasing after
the kid who had this.

You traded your jacket
for a skateboard?

Yeah -- with Jeffrey.

How did you know?

'Cause Jeffrey's mom
was screaming about it

from the back
of a patrol car.

Go get the rest of your stuff,
all right?

We're gonna go home.

(sighs)
I am such an idiot.

If you're waiting
for me to disagree,

it's gonna be
a long night.

Hey,
don't beat yourself up.

You know what, actually?
I would like to beat you up.

Wow, you want
to shoot the Gundersons,

you want to beat me up.

What,
did you have meat today?

None of this would've happened
if you hadn't convinced me

to let Boyd walk home alone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's remember something --
nothing happened.

Nothing happened this time.

You can't live your life
in fear like this.

Watch me.
I'm sorry, Mike,

but when we were
chasing that van,

the only thing
I could think about

was every scary story
I've ever seen on the news.

Because that's
what the news does!

It's their job to scare you --
disease, disaster, violence.

They make everybody think we're
living on one big cruise ship.

So you're gonna tell me
that you were 100% sure

that Boyd was safe
the whole time?

No,
I'm not gonna say that,

but the scared part of me
had to be quiet

so the other part of me could
figure out what to do about it.

Well, you know what?
I guess the scared part
of me is just too loud.

Look, I know the news
media is supposed to
manipulate my emotions,

but guess what --
it works.

Boyd is done
walking home alone from school.

Well, we're gonna start
eating whale!

(keyboard clacking)

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man here

to talk about scare tactics.

Sadly, they work.

I'm just enjoying
some mixed nut--

Oh.

You see, the part of the brain
that triggers fear

works faster than the part
that controls reason.

For some people -- little kids
who are afraid of the dark

and certain son-in-laws
who are afraid of...

well, just about everything,

the reason part of the brain
never really kicks in.

As a contrast,
animals don't have reason.

That's why the stupid coyote
always ends up in midair

holding that stick of dynamite.

(cries mockingly)

And that's why my dog panics
every time the doorbell rings.

He goes nuts,
and I try to explain to him,

"Listen, burglars
don't ring the doorbell."

And you just get that look
from the dog.

Human beings are blessed
with reason.

But it's harder to use it

when the media bombards you
with terrifying images --

tsunamis, plane crashes,
the new Colonel Sanders.

That's why I'm declaring
Outdoor Man a fear-free zone,

because we don't sell fear.

We sell courage,

we sell engagement
between man and nature

in the form of kayaks,
climbing gear,

and -- on sale this month --
casting rods.

You see, the world is kind of
the opposite of Hillary Clinton.

It actually gets less scary
the better you know it.

I'll leave you with a quote.

"Fearless is not
the absence of fear.

Fearless is living
in spite of those things

that scare you to death."

And what great philosopher
said that?

Aristotle?

Schopenhauer?

Descartes?

No, it -- it was Taylor Swift.

If that ain't scary,
I don't know what is.

Come on, everybody.
Seminar's about ready to begin.

You guys sit here.

Plenty of stuff for the kids
to play with outside.

Yeah, we got a bunch
of cool trampolines

that are all like,
"Fong! Fong! Fong! Fong!"

And these slacklines
that are like, "Whoa!"

So, who wants to play?
Come on.

So, while your kids are
out there playing,

you'll be in here learning about
how not to be afraid

of them out there playing.

Mike, we could've made
a lot of money

on that prepper stuff,
Mike.

But I like this.

It's a good thing we're doing
for the kids.

Not really doing it
for the kids.

Right.

Hi.
Hey.

Is, uh, there supervision
out there?

Kyle's out there,
so no.

You sure you want
to go through with this?

Nope. Not really.

But someone
I admire very much

explained to me
what "fearless" means.

You watched the vlog.

No.

I got that one
from Taylor Swift.

(crash)

It's okay.
Only me.

Water cannon misfire.

Hey, Kyle.
Hey.

The kids had a super-great time
playing outside today.

(chuckling) Yeah.
What about that kid

that almost started crying
when we said

it was all over?
Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah.

I was just
really having fun.

Mr. Alzate's seminar
was good, too.

I think so.
Yeah.

In fact, I might do
one of those secret shelters.

What?
Build it yourself?

I mean, you're not
that handy with tools

after the incident
with the needle-nose pliers.

Not my fault. Okay,
if that's not how you're
supposed to use them,

then don't put the word "nose"
in the name.

Besides, I'm not
gonna build it myself.

I'll hire people.

Of course
you'll hire people.

Now, you got a group
of electricians, carpenters,

and plumbers
helping you build it,

and after you're finished,

all you got to do
is kill them all.

What? No.

You have to, 'cause otherwise,
it wouldn't be secret, would it?

Oh, you're right.
Yeah.

Oh, man. The place will be
swarming with people.

Exactly.
Then where am I
supposed to go?

Well, Vanessa and I
have a secret shelter.

Oh, awesome.
Where is it?

Nice try.