Original subtitles

[glass shatters]

Sorry. Slipped from my hand. So, we have a contract?

A very lucrative contract.

To go to Japan and eliminate the assassin known as the Dingo,

with whom I believe I've crossed paths before.

-Yes, dear. -Excellent.

Well, I should prepare. Colleagues.

God, he really hates glasses now.

-Yeah. -Well, that went better than expected.

[retching]

Jesus, are you throwing up from your soul?

[groans] Yeah, most of my soul is actually in here now,

right next to the corn, which I haven't eaten in a week.

Either you just dredged up a painfully repressed memory,

or you ordered the all-you-can-eat, day-old shrimp fry from Cajun Casey's.

-[groans] Yep, one of those. -I can't resist it either.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[retching]

Quick question. What in the goddamned hell?

It says it was his first mission as an agent.

The Dingo killed his first love. Other than Ms. Archer, of course.

-Still gross. -Still hot.

-Paging Dr. Oedipus. -Why?

Also, when did he become a doctor?

-And is he single? -Okay, refocusing!

It says here the Dingo may be the most elusive person on the planet,

and Archer was never the same after his first mission.

[Lana] So he was a better spy before all this happened?

[Malory] Well--

Okay, you're saying you're glad he had this trauma

because it made him a great spy,

but now he needs to deal with it to become a better spy?

Oh, I wouldn't say that…

but yes.

[McGinley] Sterling, I've made these tapes to prepare you for your first mission.

I could tell you all of this, of course, but I might be otherwise occupied.

[chuckles]

So cool.

Now, these won't be the standard methods,

but you were never top of your class by the book.

You have something special. Intuition, feel.

And if you learn to trust it, you'll come through just fine.

Oh, God. [groans] Oh, my God.

-[gasps] -I-- I spilled my drink!

-Oh! -Oh, God.

Okay, I get that.

Yep.

Uh, two rooms for myself and my rakishly handsome,

yet somehow single nephew, Sterling.

I'll make a note. "Weird, uncle-nephew relationship."

Uh. So, uh, what brings you to the, uh, this hotel?

A bike. And a desire to not starve.

[chuckles]

-Your uncle's a bit of a character. -My-- My what? Oh.

Yeah, yeah, he's a handful.

Or is "handful" just what they call a sleazebag in America?

Oh, come on. He's not a bag of sleaze. He's, you know, more of a thin coating.

-[bell rings] -[giggles]

So this is my first time in Tokyo.

Uh, think you could maybe show me around a little tonight?

Just think how funny it'll be when you ditch me

at the bathhouse after stealing my clothes.

Tell you what. I'll think about it.

-Um, how-- how hard? -Well, you tell me.

And phrasing. Delightful.

You must find a way to embrace the moment,

exist entirely within it.

The rest, the rest is easy.

So we just gonna stare at the lobby of a hotel

we're not staying at like the world's worst stalkers?

Goddamn it, Lana!

Do the words "complex inner journey" mean nothing to you?

They mean something to me! The mystery of human life.

The strangeness. All the blood.

He took "inner journey" literally!

Just drive, Metamucil.

[McGinley] Our mission is to protect this man,

Tadashi Kodo, from an assassin known as the Dingo.

Who is he? Political freedom fighter? Scientist?

[gasps] My secret father?

-The head of the yakuza. -Japanese organized crime?

Hard to feel like the good guys on this one.

Good, bad, these are just words.

But true evil is real.

Evil is what you call someone who isn't paying you.

-Here, have a drink. -Oh, no. I'm trying to stay sharp.

Wouldn't recommend it. I've seen your training scores.

Um, can we go back to the McGinley who thought I was great?

Let me put this delicately. Your analytical mind is not your strength.

Wow. That did not feel delicate.

First time never does.

Simply put, you need to trust your intuition.

So what's a little frontal lobe paralysis between friends?

All right. But, you know, just this once.

That's what I always say. Kanpai!

[Lana] Well, if you're finished.

I'm never finished, Lana! So you're welcome.

All right, shut up. Let's get into this.

William Radken, ex-MI6, now a freelance fixer.

The Dingo's gonna kill him. Not our problem.

Yes! I love it when things aren't our problem!

MI6. Wonder how much training they need to fetch coffee for the CIA.

Oh, it's really humiliating how they don't work for their mom, right?

Krieger, you're here for comms and surveillance tech.

And for my extensive knowledge of Japanese culture.

Reading a couple dirty comics doesn't make you an expert.

We need to stay close to William and wait for our moment to neutralize the Dingo.

Which is why you should flirt with and probably date William.

Ooh! Development!

Quiet down. His room is next door.

And being that close to an active target seems like a great way to die.

Oh, come on. At best, it's a pretty good way to die.

And what are our other options here?

I could try to reanimate and remote control a corpse.

That's always your plan.

[groans] I'll get suited up.

So… [clears throat]

…to make you more comfortable…

I should go change.

Uh. Why?

Glengoolie Blue, neat.

Better make it a double after that bullshit.

[laughs] Is it bullshit season already?

Yeah, fly you a few thousand miles to tell you they're not ready to decide.

-Same as it ever was. -[sighs]

But it does tend to bring out the inherent pointlessness of life.

I'll drink to that, sweetheart.

This isn't what I expected.

How so?

-I guess it's less Japanese. -[laughs]

That is the thing about Japan.

Hey, why is your English so good?

You know, classic star-crossed lovers, complex immigration stuff,

Dad's not around anymore.

You know how that goes.

Yeah, well, I didn't even know my father so--

Sometimes I kinda wish I didn't know mine.

-But c'est la vie. -Is that Japanese for something?

Yeah. "Life's a shit show."

[William] Of course it is.

When you're married to someone from work, again.

Well, look at you, going right back to the well you pissed in.

Elegantly put.

Well, I married someone I didn't work with

and now he owns the company.

Sometimes the well pisses back.

You don't think she actually likes him, do you?

Subtle flush, open body language, gesture amplitude increasing--

-That's a no, right? Say it's a no! -Why are you so mad?

Look, on a mission, feelings don't end well. It'll ruin--

-They're not an option! -[woman] Ugh.

Come on, man, not working for your mother is always an option.

You haven't met her and stared into those eyes.

Like a combination of a shark and two bigger sharks.

-Have you tried bopping her on the nose? -Only in my dreams.

I woke up apologizing with a giant erection.

[laughing]

Uh, maybe too much for a first date?

-Oh. So you think this is a date? -Uh, maybe?

[glass shatters]

First date, ten years ago, that was probably my best kiss.

-Did not call me back. -Oof. Real slap in the nuts.

[groans]

Sorry, Wild One, I didn't mean to interrupt your costume party.

Kinda woozy from that kiss, you know?

-High five? -[speaking Japanese]

Uh, that didn't sound like Japanese for "high five."

[speaking Japanese]

-[grunts] -"Stay gold, Ponyboy!"

Whoo!

So here we are.

Two romantically unavailable people with an undeniable rapport.

-[grunts] -[patrons screaming]

[glass shatters]

[Lana] Enjoying each other's company.

[groans]

[William] While our spouses are thousands of miles away.

Let's get out of here!

Let's get out of here.

Ah… Can't do it.

[sighs] Nope. Too married.

Tell you what, though. What if--

I can't wait for how weird this is gonna be.

What if we go into your room, cuddle for five minutes?

-No kissing. -And then we retire to our separate rooms

and then pleasure ourselves intensely enough to cause injury.

And I am setting my watch.

Feelings were bad enough, but Jesus, just cheat like a decent person.

-Goddamn, that's weird. -Yeah, I know, right?

Ooh-hoo! This one's a real page-turner.

-Oh, no! She's gone! -Oh, hey, Reiko.

But now I'm pretending to be cool.

I don't think she noticed. [giggles]

-I gotta get to work. -Oh, crap. Yeah, I should--

Check with your "uncle" about your "vacation"?

Uh, I assume you're using those finger quotes for emphasis.

Because I'm an ignorant monster who doesn't understand quotation marks?

Look, Sterling, your uncle's been through here a few times.

And let me give you a tip.

The hotel staff always knows everything.

-Like everything, everything? -Yup. Not that we want to.

Hey, uh, can we maybe--

Sterling, I went out with you because I was bored

and you looked like a dumb bit of fun.

Yeah, uh, same here.

I was just gonna ask you if we could never see each other again.

But, I will say, you've got something interesting going on.

But let me tell you the one thing I don't like.

-Do you have to? -Your name.

"Sterling"? Doesn't really fit you.

You could call me Archer.

Hmm. I like that.

See you later, Archer.

And then, bang, she hits the guy with a beer bottle,

and we zoom away on her motorcycle.

And I just really like her, you know?

-[speaking Japanese] -[clears throat]

Mr. Kodo says that if we're going to play grab-ass all day,

he would've brought thicker gloves.

Sterling, appreciate the energy, but let's get back to business, eh?

Oh, could you actually call me Archer?

My girlfriend likes that better. Reiko. She's Japanese. So cool.

Okay, so first off, before we set the agenda here,

let's all be extra respectful of the encounter that Lana had last night.

By bringing it up immediately?

I'm saying, now that it has been brought up,

I forget by whom, we should be respectful about it.

Though it was pretty messed up.

Hey, you still working on that helmet for dolphins

that lets them communicate sexual consent?

Smoke bomb!

Look, your voyage of masturbatory exploration aside--

If it's aside, why do you keep bringing it up?

-And even if that were cheating-- -I didn't say cheating. You did.

But it totally is. Continue.

You hate Robert, so why do you even care?

Look, if you want to "quasi-ghost-bang" some ex-spy

from a second-tier organization…

Oh, my God, it always comes back to the same old dick-swinging.

Ha! Not true.

This involves, at minimum, two kinds of dick-swinging.

But look, when feelings get mixed into missions, bad stuff happens.

So for now, let's just focus on the next step in the plan.

Which is?

Getting William out in the open so the Dingo can try to kill him.

[sighs] Goddamn it.

Ah, shit. Sniper!

[grunts]

[McGinley] Sterling!

Archer, stop thinking. Move!

[screaming]

He is saying, "Holy shit!"

When did you get here?

At some point, the training takes over.

And then you ignore the training and listen to your inner awesomeness.

I just can't imagine what it feels like to be shot at.

Yeah, well, I guess, I didn't actually get shot at.

Come to think of it, I didn't even see a sniper.

Was there one?

Why would McGinley fake a sniper?

Other than gaining him the total trust of the head of the yakuza?

Wow. I just realized something. We should have sex again.

-How about behind that tree over there? -And that is why I love you.

Whoops.

You're sure the Dingo will have to move out into the open to take the shot?

[Krieger] As long as she stays between that table and that plant,

the Dingo has to move into the open.

Right on cue.

The Dingo! [vocalizes dramatically]

Damn it, Krieger!

Relax, at this distance, it's physically impossible for them to hear us.

There's something to be said for the mood of a time and place.

That's what the dolphins keep saying.

Come on.

Step out. Step out and I'll be free.

Actually, the human mind can't heal like that.

We're doomed to play out the same patterns over and over

until we deal with the root causes.

[Archer] And…

no!

[Krieger] Backup plan! I stashed the Krieger drone nearby.

-We have drone liftoff. -[beeping]

And I'm following.

And the Dingo noticed me.

And now shot me.

-[beeping dies down] -Aw.

So, I guess Lana had some second thoughts.

Yes, I would like to talk to her about that.

[straining]

Well, you make some great points,

but maybe I thought endangering an innocent bystander wasn't worth it.

Endangering innocent bystanders is, like, 90% of what we do.

And the other 10% of the time, we're on break.

Look, I don't want the guy to die.

That is just so selfish.

I would kill six of this guy myself,

but I guess that's just because I'm a professional.

So we are gonna do this again and make sure you don't tell

Mr. Cuddles anything because otherwise, it doesn't work.

Please, Mr. Cuddles is my father. Call me Cuddle-boo-boo.

Goddamn it!

[McGinley] My guess is that the Dingo

will take his shot at Kodo at the wrestling stadium.

That's what I would do. You're ready for this, Sterling.

Just trust your instincts.

-[bell rings] -[grunts]

I did not think it was this kind of wrestling.

[scoffs]

[speaking Japanese]

Mr. Kodo says that

if he wants to see a grown man in a diaper hug another man,

he will check your hotel room later.

Sick burn, Mr. Kodo!

I gotta say, for a yakuza boss, he seems pretty chill.

Though you did just give me a high three.

Sometimes Mr. Kodo's jokes don't land as well as he likes.

Oh, Sterling, I need you to do a sweep of the VIP area.

Wait. You want me to leave you alone with Kodo?

I can handle things here.

I told you, thinking isn't your strong suit.

Just do it and come back.

[crowd cheering]

[banging]

Reiko! What are you doing here?

Duh, I'm a concierge. I can get tickets to anything.

Ax Yamaguchi doing the Scissor Guillotine

is basically pure sex.

Also, maybe I wanted to make sure you were okay.

I don't know. Something isn't right about this.

McGinley said to trust my instincts, and my instincts say you shouldn't be here.

-I don't want you to get hurt. -What a coincidence.

I also don't want me to get hurt.

-But I can take care of myself. -[grunts]

Oh, shit! Right through the table!

-Whoo-hoo! -Damn it,

-we've lost containment. Not good. -[bell rings]

-Everyone ready? -Also, follow up,

-does everyone love rhetorical questions? -Ass.

Hold on, I just had my pass.

McGinley!

-[gunshot] -[crowd screaming]

-McGinley, stay with me! I need you! -[groans]

You'll figure it out.

I did.

I mean, until now, obviously.

I had a big speech all planned,

but I can't remember it right now.

McGinley!

Come on. You can make it.

Damn it. I had something for this.

[gasping]

[crying]

McGinley!

[Krieger making revving sounds]

Hi, Reiko. Been a while.

Switch in the tunnel. Huh, not a bad trick.

-Smoke bomb! -[coughing]

Oh, man, that's way more effective than just yelling it. [coughs]

Go around and cut her off!

Oh. [grunts] Krieger, get this off!

Good thought, but I don't think we have time for that.

Remove it from my face!

Oh, gotcha. Yeah, you just poke it right here.

Ow! Shit!

-Can you run slower, you think? -I got shot!

We all get shot, Lana!

Great work, team! Maybe next time you can give her a map too!

And then learn English so you can understand this insult!

We all know English! [speaking Japanese]

My cardio's still great if you were wondering!

-I wasn't! -I've also learned cool new sex stuff!

-I was pretty inexperienced back then. -[laughs]

Tell me about it!

You just sort of flopped around like an epileptic fish.

Now you're just trying to hurt my feelings!

Drop it, Reiko. There's nowhere left to go.

Not by myself, sure.

But what if we went together?

Oh, come on. What if we just ran away and figured this thing out?

Archer, we've both done things we regret.

Maybe here's where we start over.

[grunts]

-I really wish you hadn't done that. -[gunshot]

[grunting]

Who knows what would've happened?

Archer…

You okay?

I know that when I look over the edge, she's just gonna have disappeared again.

-Nope. Wow. She is real dead. -Yup.

Well, the good news is, I feel exactly zero percent better.

Well, you did just get stabbed.

Strong point, Lana. But you know what?

Reiko is the one who started calling me Archer.

So I think from now on, you should call me Sterling.

-Really? -No, forget it.

Bad idea. I have a lot invested in that name.

I mean, just from a branding perspective alone.

-I'm just sorry this all happened to you. -Yeah, me too.

-Sorry you ruined your marriage. -Now, Archer? Really?

[chuckles] Uh-oh. No time for a retort. Archer out.