Original subtitles

[lounge music playing]

[clears throat]

[ice crunching]

Welcome to L’Orange. I’ll be your server, Kyle. Our specials tonight--

Damn it, are you blind? We’re in the middle of a conversation.

I’m so sorry. [sighs]

I’ll come back.

Actually, I kinda wish we’d heard the specials now.

[sighs]

This is fun. So fun, right?

[Robert] This was a doozy of an idea, Archer.

I just love double dates.

You’re at a restaurant, Robert.

We can trade money for food here.

Sorry about that, Gabrielle. At his age, Robert gets confused easily.

If it’s not painfully obvious yet,

Archer is incredibly jealous of my husband.

Oh, yeah, I desperately wish I had liver spots

and eyebrows like haystacks. You know what?

Look, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room?

That you have borderline personality disorder

and desperately need help?

I was talking, Lana,

about how incredibly gorgeous Gabrielle looks tonight.

It’s like somebody stuffed 103 pounds of "ka-kow"

into a red golf sock.

I couldn’t agree more.

You look gorgeous, Gabrielle.

Uh, honey, shut up.

So how did you two meet?

We met in a study my university is conducting

for individuals who have been in a coma.

-Catch that, Lana? -That you have brain damage?

No, I mean the part where Gabrielle is a scientist?

Oh. Are you in science as well?

[laughs] That’s funny. You see,

Lana’s parents desperately wanted her to be a scientist, but she hated them.

And now they’re dead. They’re not dead.

How would you know? You’re not a scientist.

You know, one of my foundations is involved in neuroscience,

and we just did a study on memory-mapping neurons.

Oh! I just read about that!

Let me ask you, did you agree with their findings

on spatially tuned memory-trace cells?

Slow down. Who am I, Andrew Fielding Huxley?

[both laugh]

Gosh, oh, that’s good.

So have we decided on a first course?

I need a little more time. But Lana,

you’re probably fine with the first thing you see, right?

[hits table] I’m just... [groans]

...going to go to the ladies’ room.

Excuse me.

-Oh, I’ll join you. -[sighs] Great.

Don’t take too long, or I might fall in love with Robert.

You know how fast it can happen!

Ha, I was joking, obviously, Robert.

The eyebrows are a deal-breaker.

Oh, this is a beautiful restaurant. Mm-hmm.

Robert’s great. You’re so lucky.

Uh-huh. So...

you know Archer from work?

[laughs] What?

Wait a minute. You’re joking, right?

Archer didn’t tell you anything about us?

Oh, just that you work together, that you’re married to Robert,

that your jaw makes this clicking sound

when you chew, like... [clicking tongue]

Mm.

He didn’t mention that we, uh,

I don’t know, have a child together?

Get out of town!

You’re AJ’s mom?

[groans]

[Robert] So how’s work, Archer?

Robert, don’t take this personally,

but there’s no way I’m making small talk.

Just quietly stare at a candle or something.

Hey... that Gabrielle.

[wolf whistle]

We sure got a type. Rawr!

Seeing them walk off together now, I was just like,

"I wouldn’t mind being the cream in that double espresso!"

[laughing] Hmm.

I’ve dabbled quite a bit in the exotic arts, as they say.

Oh, God, please, no.

So you’re telling me you’re not upset

Archer didn’t mention that your first date

was going to include the mother of his child?

After all he’s been through, I’m sure it slipped his mind.

Or he’s a lunatic.

I mean, clearly he asked you out because...

[snorts] Well... Well, what?

Oh, come on, he’s trying to send a message

that he found a stand-in, you know, for, uh, for this.

A stand-in?

Oh, did you go to Yale too?

No. I mean, I’m sure I could have.

But you have two PhDs, I bet.

Well, no, not two.

No, I have-- I have just the one.

Oh, I see, so you don’t mean "stand-in"

as much as you mean "upgrade."

[clears throat] Excuse me.

-There you go! -[gasps] What are you doing?

Now you’re all wet. Isn’t that what you wanted?

And sure enough, we made love

right there in the jazz club.

And to this day, I can’t even hear a muted trumpet

without getting erect!

[mimics trumpet fanfare]

What a great story, Robert.

I just wish it could’ve been louder and grosser.

Kyle! Do us a favor and put our food in, would you?

Absolutely. What would you like?

You order for us, Kyle.

I’m talking apps, entrées, the whole nine yards.

You’re trusting Kyle to pick our food?

The entirety of his life’s decisions

have led him to this job and that haircut.

No offense, Kyle.

Hey, there they are,

the two prettiest ladies in the joint.

Or, more specifically, a clear number one

and a not-as-well-read, big-boned runner-up.

You know what? Let me ask you a question.

What the hell are you doing?

You’re supposed to be staking out Victor Cherenenko.

Will you two be joining the table? Definitely not.

We were leaving. Sure.

Gabrielle, you could scooch in next to me.

Ooh, who’s Victor Cherenenko?

Oh, Russian hacker, one of Interpol’s most wanted, Gabrielle.

Huge reward out for him.

And I am the one responsible--

Actually, I’m in charge of the mission.

How are you? Cyril Figgis.

Calm down, Cyril.

You’re getting desperation all over my hot scientist.

I probably shouldn’t be showing you this.

You look like someone who can be trusted.

For years, no one has been able to find this guy,

but recently he’s been popping his head up in public.

So as team leader, I took it upon myself to synthesize data

from his financial records, and ta-da.

You were able to produce that wet diaper of a worthless dossier.

The thing says Cherenenko is a regular at this place, and yet--

Hey, isn’t that him? Cherenenko?

[Cyril] You see that, Archer?

I was right. He’s here after all.

It doesn’t take that much to look at a credit card statement

and see that guy comes to a restaurant a lot and that--

Goddamn it, Archer!

Wow, this is so exciting!

So what do we do now? Go detain him?

[laughs] Oh, man.

Guess they don’t teach you everything in neurobiology school.

Well, no, obviously not.

As much as I love taking advice on spycraft from civilians,

you can’t go up and detain a guy

with an armed bodyguard protecting him.

Lana’s right. Even if we took the bodyguard out,

we’d have 50 Russian goons on our doorstep

looking for blood in the morning.

Uh, yeah, that’s what I’m saying.

So the plan is, we go over--

Excuse me. I’m in charge, and as such,

I have constructed our apprehension strategy.

Okay, we wait for him to leave, and we tail him.

Then we find an opportunity to separate him from his bodyguard,

lure him somewhere quiet, and bring him down.

Voilà. A classic Figgis.

I thought a classic Figgis was when you get your genitals

caught in the zipper of a sleeping bag.

You know very well that wasn’t user error.

There was a factory recall!

I’m going to the men’s room real quick.

Don’t do anything without me.

So, Gabrielle, how do you feel about jazz?

[urinal flushes]

And how are you this evening, sir?

Very well, thank you.

I actually just had a, uh, pretty big professional victory.

-[faucet running] -That is wonderful, sir.

Thanks. You know that feeling

when you take a big step forward at work

and people notice?

Yes, sir. Very magical, sir.

Oh, uh, I left my wallet in my jacket, and I’ll just--

-[urinal flushes] -Good call. I’m on a diet.

May I offer you a towel?

Hey, excuse me, sir--

[grunts]

[grunts]

[dramatic music playing]

[groans]

[moaning]

Ooh, he’s really giving it to her.

-[gasps] -[Malory] They’re leaving.

[Lana] Perfect. When they get outside, we follow them.

Gabrielle, I’m sorry to tell you,

but you’re about to dive headfirst

into a high-speed chase, so buckle up.

Shouldn’t we just leave her here? No, Lana.

I’m sorry you’re threatened because Gabrielle is smart

and accomplished and-- Hot.

Thank you, horny new guy. We are not ditching her.

Here, put this on, Gabrielle. I wouldn’t want you to catch cold.

You should, uh, put this on to, um...

cover up your hideous...

elbows.

You had trouble finding something?

Shut up, Lana!

[lively jazz music playing]

Hold on.

All right, go! Everybody into my car.

[Cyril] Good news.

The bodyguard is now locked in a bathroom...

supply closet.

[sighs]

It’s my mission.

Okay, so here we have the first courses,

fried lobster in puff pastry over four-cheese grits.

[crying]

-[engine revving] -All right, Gabrielle,

get ready for the ride of your...

[tires squealing]

-[tires screech] -[horns honking]

...life.

Uh, what did he just say?

Life, Robert! He said life!

He was finishing a thought from before!

[laughs] Archer!

I’m sorry. He did a "what did he just say?"

He’s doing all the top ten old-guy hits, coast-to-coast!

[jazz music playing]

This is what happens when you give bicyclists their own lane.

What’s next, a lane for vegetarians?

Sorry, Gabrielle. It’s usually a little chasier than this.

Oh, no, don’t apologize. This is a great opportunity

for me to get to know your friends a little bit better.

All right, I’ll start. This one’s for anybody.

Who’s ever met a potential love interest

over the unconscious body of their child’s father?

Oh, my God. This again? This again, what?

Well, you got shot by a murder suspect

you were supposed to be investigating but instead were having sex with,

who, by the way, after shooting you, got away!

Hey, look what we got going on back here.

I feel like the cream inside of an Ore--

Do not finish that sentence.

[crunching loudly]

Hey, Kyle.

Would you mind parking the dessert cart over here?

And you might want to throw the emergency brake on,

because I have a feeling things could go sideways pretty fast.

Actually, sir, some diners have been complaining

that your constant crying and chewing is bumming them out.

If you wouldn’t mind...

Oh. They didn’t leave a credit card?

Jeezy Petes! I had a serving of bone marrow,

not a goddamn transplant.

[sighs] All right, I--

Hey! My jacket’s gone!

Listen, Kyle, my wallet was in my jacket,

and it appears my friends must’ve grabbed it.

So I’m gonna have to...

To have someone come down

and meet me here with a credit card.

There you go.

Don’t spray that urine on my son’s window.

If you want a dollar for doing nothing, walk to Canada.

What are you even doing on this mission to begin with?

Cyril needed me. It would’ve looked weird

for him to be sitting at that restaurant all alone.

Who were you supposed to be?

His date, obviously.

[both laughing]

Excuse me, it’s not that crazy at all

that these two would be together.

Not much further apart in age than Lana and I are.

Self-burn.

Plus, she’s beautiful and successful.

You know who you remind me of, Malory? My ex-wife.

Malory reminds you of Linda?

The supermodel? No. No, no, no.

I’m talking about Zelda, my first ex-wife.

Linda was my third ex-wife. Your what?

Oh, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

I think the phrase you’re looking for is "gulp."

[both laughing]

What’s wrong with your face, Krieger?

Yeah. Did you rack your nuts on your proton pack?

[both laugh]

Aw, Mitsuko and I got into an argument.

She said she thinks maybe her feelings are changing about us.

Let me tell you something everyone hears at some point in their lives:

that anime hologram’s just not that into you.

No! It’s probably just a phase, right?

[phone rings]

-Yello? -[Cyril] Pam!

Listen! [chuckles awkwardly]

I need you to come to L’Orange.

Archer stuck me with a huge tab,

then left with my coat which had my wallet in it,

and there’s a menacing busboy who won’t stop staring at me.

And you want me to come over there

and blow a busboy so he’ll forget about your dinner tab.

What? No, come with money to pay the tab.

Oh. Lame.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You’ve been married four times,

and it never occurred to you

to share that information with your wife?

It’s personal, dear.

I didn’t ask you how many times you’d been married.

Zero! I’d been married zero times!

Well, now I see why.

Oh! [laughs]

Who were they?

Linda, of course.

Then Hafsa, she was a gift from the Saudi crown.

Would’ve been rude to say no. And then Zelda.

We didn’t technically divorce. I lost her on safari.

Oh, my God, this guy’s on fire.

I’m not sure if it’s a big deal, but...

that guy you’re following got out of that cab.

Damn it. He’s getting away! Follow him!

I can’t, Mother! What do you want me to do,

just leave the car here in the middle of 5th Avenue?

Oh, yes, big smiles.

I, too, would be excited

if I were about to overdose somewhere

in a hollowed-out box spring.

You know, I’ve always thought

that busboys were the backbone of the restaurant industry.

I’m a woman.

And a beautiful one at that.

There you are! Oh, you look like shit, dude.

Have you been crying?

Crying? [laughs]

-No. -[all] Yes!

[cries] Okay.

Oh, Cyril. Come on. Let’s get out of here.

-[clears throat] -Oh, uh... Right, the tab.

Cyril, don’t worry about the tab. I got this.

[shouting] This waiter just touched my breasts!

[people gasp]

What?

Again, I just can’t put into words how mortified I am.

Well, you should be mortified. I know my breasts certainly are.

Right, ladies?

Hey, hot shot,

call me if you ever want to have your world rocked.

[Lana] You voted libertarian?

[Robert] Sure, twice.

Hey, I know seat belts save lives,

but who is the government to require me to wear one?

Anything else you haven’t told me? No.

In my experience, you have to ask exploratory questions, like...

Robert, have you ever done anything

that you’re deeply sad about?

I mean, I guess if I had to pick one thing...

Oh, gosh, it’d be the dogs.

The dogs? I’ve had 11 dogs die on me.

Eleven? How is that possible?

Well, you know, there’s just a huge language barrier.

[shouting] Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with you?

[Southern accent] What beautiful architecture

they have here in New York City, New York,

where we are visiting as tourists.

[whispering] Jesus Christ, Lana,

quit fighting with your husband before you give us away?

[angry whisper] We wouldn’t be in a fight if you hadn’t set up

this stupid double date in the first place.

[loudly] Boy howdy.

I sure hope someday we get these kind of tall buildings

back at home in... Arizona.

Shit, he’s heading to the park.

[soft dramatic music playing]

Follow that horse! And step on it!

-[driver clicks tongue] -[horse whinnies]

You there, follow that cab!

On a break.

Let me try.

Well, I can see why they call it a hansom cab.

You sure are the best-looking son of a gun I’ve seen all night.

Oh, is that a fact?

Oh, I was talking to the horse.

I figured he ran the business.

[both laugh]

Gosh, oh, that’s good.

[dramatic music playing]

Hmm, they seem to be in love.

Wonder whose still-breathing body they met over.

Oh, my God, you’re cracked in the head.

We weren’t even together when you went into a coma, okay?

You were banging some old broad who then,

God bless her soul, shot you.

Better to be shot than stabbed in the back, Lana.

I’m surprised this isn’t something you’ve mentioned

about your time in a coma if it bothers you so much.

Oh, it doesn’t.

Why do you even care I’m with Robert? I don’t!

It was clear you were never going to commit to me.

You don’t know that!

So if Lana hadn’t met Robert...

Over my still very much alive body

with a functioning sex organ,

as I imagine was included in my records.

Then you would’ve wanted to be together?

Excuse me! Whose ass do I have to kiss

-to get more hot cocoa back here? -[horse whinnies]

Coney Island?

I appreciate you guys bringing me here to cheer me up,

but I’m a grown man.

Oh, cheer you up?

A waiter just touched my breasts, asshole.

If you’re in need of some cheering up,

this is the place. Come on.

Whoa, look! Wacky mirrors!

[carnival music playing]

Driver! Now we’re going too fast!

We’re trying to follow that horse in front of us, not inseminate it.

I remember when the park was a place you’d come

to get away from the hustle and bustle.

Me too. I had an aunt who’d take me here.

We’d sit on a park bench for hours,

just chatting and throwing lit matches at the pigeons.

My friends and I would feed the pigeons Alka-Seltzer,

watch them explode!

[both laugh]

Oh, yeah!

[both] Slow the hell down!

Come on, buddy. What’s got you so down?

You can talk to ol’ Pam. It’s... Archer.

And what about him?

I hate him!

I hate his stupid face!

And his stupid car!

And his stupid coma cane!

-And his stupid-- -[machine buzzing]

Doesn’t give me the respect I deserve!

How hard is it for you to acknowledge

the good shape I’ve gotten in? Ah!

How much I’ve improved as a field agent? Ah!

I learned Mandarin, for Christ’s sake!

I hate you, Sterling Archer!

I hate you and everything you’ve done to make me feel this--

Argh!

Cyril, I see the job you’re doing.

You’ve been knocking it out of the park as a field agent.

Really? Really.

When I thought Archer was dead,

I literally said, "Well, at least we still got Cyril."

-You did? -Sure.

I need the agency to stay afloat. I can’t get another job.

I have, like, a shit-ton of felonies.

[chuckles, sniffles] Thanks, Pam.

-[machine whirs] -Argh!

[Gabrielle] Then why did you set this double date up, Archer?

Seriously, out of all the women you could’ve asked out...

Of which there are literally billions.

Proving her point. Damn it.

You chose one that kinda, well, is my doppelganger?

Yeah, why is that, Archer?

Um, if you two are through playing amateur neuropsychobiologist,

our Russian is headed for the subway.

Archer, I’ll come at them from around the back.

You approach them from the left flank.

I almost hate to do it.

Those two look really happy together.

Yeah. It’s nice to be in love with someone.

You should try it.

Well, if it means being as happy

as that Russian hacker and his girlfriend, I actually--

[all] Oh! Goddamn it.

Oh, ho, ho, no!

Ew. Should we call the police?

[both] Meh.

So, Gabrielle, this is usually the part of the date

when we head back to my place for great sex.

Archer, look, you seem like a really nice guy--

Ha! Shut up, Lana.

You were saying? Nice guy.

Fully functioning sex organ. Go on.

But it’s clear you still have feelings for Lana.

[laughs] Wait, me? For her?

Why would I want Lana when I could have you?

A totally different non-comparable unique person

who shouldn’t be exploited for personal vendettas, sorry.

Yeah, that part. It was nice to meet you, Lana.

Uh, maybe we could get together sometime.

You know what? I actually would not mind hanging out with you again.

[Archer] Hey, wait, Gabrielle. But... sex time.

Gabrielle!

Aw, you liked her, didn’t you? I don’t know.

But you didn’t realize it till just now, huh?

[grunts] Maybe.

I mean, I thought she was great.

Whatever. I mean, smart, charming.

And those cans, am I right?

Yeah, they looked pretty squeezy.

Thinking maybe instead of asking her out to make me jealous,

you should’ve just asked her out because she’s awesome.

[jazz music playing]

Honey, I’m home.

[man on TV] You know what I’d do if I were you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, this is my favorite part!

Mine too!

[all] Fill my boots with lead

and jump in the ocean, you pig-nosed gypsy!

-[laughter] -[machine gun fire on TV]

Oh, gosh, that’s good.

[groans] Fantastic.