All language subtitles for before.2024.s01e03.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab[EZTVx.to]-NH

I can't take much more of this.

I can't take much more of this.

I can't take much more of this.

I can't take much more of this.

I can't take much more of this.

I can't take much more of this.

Damn.

The kid sounds exactly like you.

Yeah, I'm well aware.

So he's an unstable, artistic genius
who is full of rage and fear, speaks Dutch

and does a spot-on Eli impersonation.

What else? Has he cut off his ear yet?

Well, what do you think is going on?

I don't have a fucking clue.

I don't know. Maybe I'm reading
too much into all of this.

I just feel there's something here
I'm missing.

Some sort of message.
I mean, he acts like he knows me,

like he knows something about me.

Sure.

Like a message from Lynn.

- That's not what I mean.
- Why not?

Your wife dies, it only makes sense
that you would look

- for some kind of message from her.
- That has nothing to do with this.

This is a very sick kid,

and I'm looking
for a scientific explanation

for what's going on here, Jackson.

Something with some sort of basis in fact.

Not everything is based in fact.

Just the things that are real.

You know, Lynn used to always say
your blinders were both your main strength

and your main weakness.

When?

When what?

When did she say that about me?

All the time, man.

All the time.

What?

- Hey, hey, hey, listen--
- No... Nothing to do with you.

I just fucking miss her.

I know.

Larry?

What is it, boy?

Okay, let's get you
and teddy all snuggled up.

Are you okay?

Oh, my goodness.

You're shivering.

It's okay.
You're gonna be okay. All right?

You get a good sleep, and I will see you
first thing in the morning.

Why did they do tests to me?

Well, to make sure that you're okay,
which you are.

We just need to figure some stuff out,
which we will.

Hey, how about a lullaby before I go?

Come on. Let's cuddle-wuddle.

Here we go. Here we go.

It's like I'm experiencing some extreme
case of transference-countertransference.

It's, like...
it's, like, bleeding into my dreams.

- So you're not sleeping well.
- You're missing my point.

Your point is that this Noah case
is an exceptional one.

A unique riddle to be solved.

Except I thought you'd retired.

Last time you were here,
you were talking about retiring.

Oh, I am.

I'm handing over my cases.

I just want to do this one last one
and then I'm out.

Like a bank robber.

- Last big score.
- Yeah.

- One last shot.
- Mmm.

In cases with this level of transference
between doctor and patient,

isn't it standard
to refer the patient to someone else?

Well, yeah. Uh, typically, yeah.

But this case is unique,

and I think it might actually be negligent
for me not to continue with it.

Okay.

Or what looks like a highly unusual case

might be your mind painting it as
something more unique than it actually is

as a way to stay in this state of denial.

Denial about what?

Kidding.

Eli, I really want to help you.

But in order for me to do that,
sooner or later

you're gonna have to start talking
to me about Lynn.

I know.

I know, I just...

I just need more time.

Okay. Time for what?

Time to figure out how to explain...

Explain what?

What do you mean?

Mmm. Here you go.

Very good.

Well, listen, um,
I have a game for you today.

It's not the mad game,
so no blocks. Promise.

Matter of fact, you don't really
have to do anything, actually.

Just follow my finger
with your eyes back and forth.

Don't move your head, just your eyes.

Back, forth.

This is easy.

Ah, perfect. Keep going.

Back, forth.

Now, I want you to think back
to your earliest memory.

One of the first things you remember.
Go way back to when you were very small...

and try to remember a feeling,
a very strong feeling.

Mmm. Maybe anger, maybe fear.

Are you thinking about it?

Good.

Okay.

Now I want you to picture it carefully
in your mind.

And imagine yourself there.

Think about what you see,
what you hear, what you feel.

Noah?

Noah?

Draw it now, Noah.

Draw what you see. Show me.

Good, Noah.

Keep drawing, Noah.

I hurt him.

But he's okay.

Do you remember why you did it?

- Something's wrong with me.
- What is it?

Noah?

Cold.

Cold.

Okay. It's okay.

Okay.

It's okay.

All right.

Okay, so we've got transference,

compartmentalized mimicry
and selective mutism.

And then we've got episodes of aggression
associated with situational amnesia.

And unexplained
second language acquisition.

Wow. Okay.

Well, I checked all of your referrals
and your consults over the last six years,

and as far as I can see,

you have never professionally
crossed paths with this kid.

I don't know.
Maybe you met him socially?

Oh, sure.
At the senior citizens/preschool mixer.

Sounds like fun.

Baby food for all?

Yeah. Ow.

You really should get that checked.

I'm a doctor, I checked it myself.

Uh-huh. I'm sure you did.

Okay, I better get to typing.

Hang on for a sec.

- I want you to check this out.
- Hmm?

See if you can find out where it is.

Hmm. Yeah, I can try.

Uh... Who's BW?

Not sure.

It's for the case?

Honestly, I don't know.

Hi.

Oh, you made it.

Yeah. So sorry I'm late. Uh, work stuff.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Did you bring Grandma?

Oh, no, sweetie.

Uh, Grandma died.

Remember?

So she can't come with him.

But, uh, she's in heaven
and all around us.

Hey, Sophie. Look what I got you.

Quarters.

Thanks.

See you in a bit.

"Grandma is in heaven and all around us."

Why didn't you just say that Grandma
turned into a magical unicorn?

What exactly
did you want me to say, Dad?

Do like you did when my grandma died,

and say that death is like
having your batteries run out

and you can't replace them?

I never said that.

And in my defense,
it was an educational moment.

My whole childhood
was an educational moment.

Oh, really? Are we gonna go back that far?

'Cause I only penciled in
an hour for this dinner.

Oh, scheduling humor.

Hilarious.

You're still mad at me.

Now, why would I be mad at you?

Look, as I told you, my cell phone died,

and I didn't know it and it was--

And what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry.

There. Was that so hard?

I accept your apology.

- And your pie.
- It's apple.

It better be.

Sue Ann said you're ready
to sell the house.

No, no, no. What I said to her was
she should call you.

Great. You know, I've already looked into
some potential living situations for you.

Let's not
get ahead of ourselves, okay?

Real estate is a very unpredictable market
right now, so this could take some time.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go see a man about a horse.

Here I am, like a magical unicorn.

Would you just stop?

Dad?

Stop what? Who are you talking to?

I was not spying on you.

I just happened to overhear you
talking to yourself.

I was not talking to myself.

Well, then who were you talking to?

See? This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

It feels like you are bottling up
all of these feelings.

Listen, we're all dealing
with this in our own way.

Are we? Because it feels
like you are not dealing with it at all.

You know what I don't need?

I don't need you examining
every single move I make.

You make me feel like some senile nut job
who's gone completely off the rails.

Well, you know what I don't need?

I don't need you pretending
like it didn't happen.

It happened, okay?
She's gone, and she isn't coming back.

Mom.

Oh, hey, Sophie.

- Hey, who's that for?
- Gran.

Sophie asked earlier
if she could have a candle for her gran.

Is that okay?

Of course it's okay.
W-Why wouldn't it be okay?

Thanks, sweetie.

It's okay, Dad.

I know you blame yourself,

but there's nothing
that you could have done.

You just have to let yourself
off the hook.

Please.

- Ta-da. Hey.
- Yay.

There you go.

Ooh, ooh. That's all my work.

Yeah.

It's okay. I got it.

He's stabbing the bad thing on his neck.

No, he's not st...

See?

Oh, my God.

Dad?

- I have to go.
- What is it?

I have to go. I have to go.

- It's okay. He's okay.
- What?

W-What happened?

Apparently, he almost drowned.

What?

- Where were you?
- It was the shift change.

And he got near water? I mean, what water?

He had a cup on the nightstand.

What the hell
are you talking about?

He can't drown himself
with a cup of water.

I don't know what to say.
His lungs were full of water.

This is a pediatric psych ward. A child
should not almost drown in his own bed.

Okay. Come with me.

- You need to calm down.
- That should not have happened.

I know, but it did.

He's getting moved. They're gonna put him
in long-term acute care.

Oh, wait a second.
I'm still working with him.

Eli, they are treating this
as a suicide attempt.

You know what that means.

He has to be moved
to a higher security unit.

- They're moving him tomorrow.
- No. I'll take him.

You know that's not okay.

Gail, he's not safe here.

I'm not gonna let something happen to him.

I'm not gonna let him die.

Eli, I'm sorry about your wife.

I-I can't imagine
what that must have been like for you.

I thought work would be
a good distraction.

I thought you were ready, but I was wrong.

- Gail, please le--
- No, you are not yourself right now, Eli.

I wanna see my patient.

Dr. Webster to Admitting.

Dr. Webster to Admitting.

Noah?

Noah, I know you didn't mean
to hurt that other boy.

You were trying to protect him,
weren't you?

From that thing around his neck.

What is that thing?

Look, I know you're scared,

and I think that maybe
something scary happened to you.

Did someone hurt you?

It's okay to tell me.

You won't be mad?

No, I promise.

Who hurt you?

You did.

I've been accused of not being myself.

Do you think that's true?
That you're not yourself?

Maybe.

I used to think of myself as somebody
who had the answers, you know?

But now...

Now, I don't think
I know anything anymore.

Can you identify the moment
that that feeling changed?

Yeah, of course.

It was the day my wife died.

Okay.

Let's talk about that.

It was a normal day.

She had been sick for a while.

Cancer.

But she was fighting it.

And we'd agreed
that we would fight it together.

She was feeling upbeat, so...

I decided to go out.

Wait.

You're leaving?

I'll be back soon. I'll bring you Chinese.

Egg drop soup.

It was the one thing
that she could always eat.

So I went to the pool...

And then I went to Mr. Chang's.

And then I came home.

I wasn't gone long, you know.
Hour, maybe an hour and a half.

I'm back.

Lynn?

She didn't answer.

At first, I thought it wasn't her,
you know?

I mean, I knew it was her,

but it just felt
like it was somebody else.

And that's what happened.

I went out, I came home, and she was gone.

What?

Was there something more
you wanted to tell me?

No.

That was it.

Are you sure?

I have to go.

- No, Eli, wait. This is important work.
- No. I-I have to go.

- No. Wait.
- You don't understand.

There was nothing I could do.
She killed herself.

Liar.