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1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,080
HE SIGHS
Ooh, what the hell?
2
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,880
What time is it?
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,960
5:30. I've got a job.
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,120
Do you have to go now?
5
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,240
Come back for a bit.
6
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,680
I'll make it worth your while.
7
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,920
No. I haven't got
time for your nonsense.
8
00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,440
I feel awful.
9
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:19,960
You've never complained about
my nonsense before.
10
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,840
I can't wait to retire.
11
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,680
It can't be normal
to wake up every day
12
00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:24,920
feeling like you've had a stroke.
13
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,280
You can have a stroke.
14
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,080
Stop making moves on me, you Hobbit!
15
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,360
I feel dreadful. I've got to be
there in half an hour.
16
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,440
Well, you don't normally need
that long, Grandad.
17
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:33,880
HE SCOFFS
Oh, she's a funny woman, isn't she?
18
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,080
SHE GIGGLES
All right.
19
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:37,520
All right, you sexy munchkin.
20
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,320
I'll show you how much
energy Grandad's got.
21
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,360
Oh! Wahey!
22
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,600
Now!
23
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,440
Oi! You can't park there.
24
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,080
You can't!
25
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,360
Good morning to you.
26
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,720
Don't worry, I have a permit.
27
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,000
A blue badge?
I can't see a blue badge!
28
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,920
How have you got a blue badge?
29
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,680
He couldn't even get a blue badge
and he has bad legs.
30
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,280
Don't talk about my bad legs!
31
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,040
You want to worry about
your bad eyes!
32
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,440
It's not a blue badge,
33
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,600
it's police-issue so...
34
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,880
You're not a policeman!
35
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,960
I'm here to clean.
36
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,160
What?
37
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,280
You're a man!
38
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:34,920
The world has gone mad!
39
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,800
A man earning a living like some
Scottish single mother?
40
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,120
No, no. I'm a crime scene cleaner.
41
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,240
No, you can't park there,
you'll get towed.
42
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,360
Come on. We'll miss coffee hour.
43
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,160
Oh, get off me, woman!
44
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,200
When I think of the girls
I courted...
45
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:53,000
Oh, don't you bore me again
about your horrible sluttish past!
46
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,880
It... It wasn't horrible
and it wasn't sluttish.
47
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,400
How dare you!
48
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:09,160
- It's 6:45am and welcome to
Drakefield Community Centre.
49
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,320
The Watercolour Wanderers
are delayed by nine minutes
50
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,720
and a happy 85th birthday to Alfred.
51
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,480
Hello, you're late.
52
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,840
What's going on? Why's it so busy?
53
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,200
Sorry, I'm the cleaner.
54
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,720
I know who you are. You were
supposed to be here at six.
55
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,120
They start to queue from six.
56
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,200
Sorry, traffic.
57
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,640
I'll just crack on, though, shall I?
58
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,360
No, no, no, you can't clean now.
59
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,680
Can I not? No.
60
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,560
Next session starts in 12 minutes.
61
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,200
Oh, God,
I'd never hear the end of it.
62
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,160
Jesus Christ, the letters I'd get.
63
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,120
Makes me feel physically sick just
thinking about it.
64
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,160
I don't understand.
65
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,000
OK, once coffee hour's finished,
66
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,760
then the space is
booked by specialist groups. OK?
67
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,120
They book months in advance and they
do not want to share with anyone.
68
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:56,360
OK?
69
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,720
There's a committee.
70
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,960
It's fine. Old people love me.
71
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,200
Mm. OK.
72
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,920
Hey! What happened by the way?
73
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,920
Oh, yeah, Bill, one of our regulars,
he...
74
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,360
He fell off the balcony.
75
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:10,880
YELLING
76
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,240
THUD!
77
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,000
He fell, did he?
78
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,560
Well, the police are pretty sure
that's what happened, Pauline, yeah.
79
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,040
Oh, I'm sure they are.
80
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,000
Less paperwork.
81
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,040
Bill had bad lungs but there
was nothing wrong with his balance.
82
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,600
Yeah, that won't be the last
conspiracy you hear today.
83
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:31,880
Trust me.
84
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,440
Margaret, did those drawing pins
I ordered arrive?
85
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:38,160
I can't keep putting
these notices up with my bad hands.
86
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,200
Ah, I'm just waiting
on the committee to OK the spend.
87
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,160
SHE GRUMBLES
88
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,080
There's a lot of bad body parts
here, isn't there?
89
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,280
Has anyone actually been
diagnosed with anything?
90
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,840
Oh, they don't go to the doctor.
91
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,720
They don't like to trouble
the doctor.
92
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,000
No, they save it all for me.
93
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,560
Look! Take a piece of advice
from someone who knows, yeah?
94
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,680
This is their world.
95
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,840
Do not get sucked in!
96
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,600
Now sit down and keep
yourself to yourself.
97
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,480
You're in my chair.
98
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,080
Oh, hello again. Sorry.
99
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,120
I hate it when people
do that to me in the pub.
100
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:25,120
Oh!
101
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,160
I'm Wicky, by the way.
102
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,360
Mmm! Now, what's this?
103
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,040
Oh, hello, again. I sit there.
104
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,320
I need a high back!
105
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,200
HE CHUCKLES
Oh...
106
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:38,800
The old bad legs again, is it?
107
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,560
I was shot in the spine
in the Falklands.
108
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,040
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
109
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,800
You've done it now.
110
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,080
He's on the committee.
111
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,720
Oh.
112
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,120
BUSY CHATTER
113
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,240
If you're struggling a little bit,
114
00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,560
I use these for distance.
115
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:00,840
Would you like to...
116
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,760
Eh?
117
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,680
Oh! This is him.
118
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,800
He said he was glad I was shot.
119
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,080
No. I did not!
120
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,400
I'm so sorry,
I'll speak to the gentleman.
121
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,840
Oh, dear!
122
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,920
You've made me miss coffee hour.
123
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,800
You've done it now, you bounder!
124
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,360
How will I take my pills?
125
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,160
She uses her tea to take her pills.
126
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,960
AND he's still in my chair!
127
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,880
He needs a high-back chair!
128
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,960
Margaret, this sort of thing
can't carry on.
129
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,960
It just can't.
130
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,920
My glasses...
131
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,080
Well, I warned you.
132
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,480
Your first letter.
133
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,320
Insulting a veteran.
134
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,440
Impersonating a police officer
to get free parking.
135
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,200
I thought I told you to keep
yourself to yourself.
136
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,680
I thought I was!
137
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:55,920
SHE HUFFS
138
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,320
HE EXHALES
139
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,960
Welcome, ladies.
140
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,520
It's lovely to see you.
141
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,920
Right, let's crack on.
142
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,400
HE EXHALES
143
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,320
Oh, hello.
144
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,480
I'm afraid the Watercolour Wanderers
are fully subscribed.
145
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,960
We can include you in
an internet waiting list.
146
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,120
Oh, no, I'm sorry,
I'm just here to clean this.
147
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,720
Impossible, I'm afraid.
148
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,240
My artists need
a contemplative atmosphere.
149
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:39,640
The only sound you will hear will be
the sound of soft brush upon canvas.
150
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:40,760
So...
151
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,640
Good morning, Watercolour Wanderers.
152
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,520
Art mirrors life
and you have captured life in...
153
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:51,840
ZIP CLOSING
154
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,360
MUTTERING
155
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,520
..in your art.
156
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:04,880
Today, though,
we dare to face death.
157
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,200
CASE THUDS
158
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,160
Sorry.
159
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,040
It's him over there
and he's nothing but trouble.
160
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,920
GLOVES SNAP
161
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:20,320
Our brushes pay homage
to a dearly departed friend.
162
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,520
BRUSH SCRUBS LOUDLY
163
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:22,920
HUSHED GASPS
164
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:28,120
Today, Water Colourers,
we immortalise Bill.
165
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,960
OOHING & AHHING
166
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,840
BRUSH SCRUBBING
167
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,560
Oh, so disrespectful!
168
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:40,880
I'll brush quieter.
169
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,240
..outing you, outing me...
170
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,120
I'm sick of...
171
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,840
I'm going to have words with him.
HUSHED COMPLAINTS
172
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,480
It's hard to see in these specs.
173
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,760
I'm sorry, I'm really trying.
174
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,480
Ahh!
175
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,040
SHE GASPS
176
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,480
Oh!
177
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,320
Hello?
178
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,720
SHE GROANS
179
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,440
DEEP RUMBLE
180
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,920
THEY BOTH SHRIEK
181
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,720
Mother of God, someone stop him!
182
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,800
SHRIEKING CONTINUES
183
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,480
HE SMACKS LIPS
184
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,040
Ah, well, these things happen.
185
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,480
Six letters now.
186
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,440
"It felt like he was
dancing on Bill's grave, naked."
187
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,440
I lent her the glasses
to be helpful!
188
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,040
They don't like to be helped.
189
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,680
They don't want to be patronised.
190
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:53,000
I thought retirement was some
golden period of happy reflection.
191
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,920
Look, please,
just mind your own business.
192
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,040
Only clean when the space is empty.
193
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,000
And never give up
an opportunity to apologise.
194
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,720
Because they always win.
195
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:05,960
All right.
196
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,160
I'll go and get some kit
from my van.
197
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,600
Apologetically. Very good.
198
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,840
How dare you?
199
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,160
Oh, shit. Now she's accusing Sue!
Would you look at her go.
200
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,400
Great! That's what happens when you
watch Midsomer Murders all day.
201
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,880
Ladies, ladies, ladies... What?
202
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,920
Right... No... Ladies, ladies,
ladies, please. Please.
203
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,920
Ah, there you are.
204
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,280
It's this way.
205
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:30,680
Sorry? It's in here.
206
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,640
Quick as you like. They're waiting.
207
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:35,880
Who's waiting?
208
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:44,120
Now, then, what a treat it is
for us to welcome...
209
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,800
..Huw Davey!
210
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,800
It is quite the privilege for us
211
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,960
to be joined by
a professional singer
212
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,840
and I know you've all been
looking forward to it.
213
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,240
Oh, I do think there's been
a little bit of confusion here.
214
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,440
This is his pre-show banter.
215
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,440
He did all this on the cruise.
216
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,560
No, the thing is,
I am actually just here to clean.
217
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,960
A male cleaner!
You were right, he's a riot!
218
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,520
Pick a song, Davey.
219
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,800
This is the Sing-Along Swingers,
not a chat club.
220
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:15,960
Yes, but...
221
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,160
Davey, take it from me,
get them singing.
222
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,680
You're losing them.
223
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,440
HUSHED WHISPERS
224
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,760
Right, well...
225
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,080
Ladies and gentlemen,
I wasn't expecting this,
226
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,240
but let's do this, shall we?
227
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,480
MIC INTERFERENCE
228
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:41,680
in your old kitbag
229
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:45,640
ORGAN ACCOMPANIES
230
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,080
You know it.
231
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,200
and laughter hear the snag
232
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,880
ORGAN STOPS
233
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,240
Now we're cooking!
234
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,160
Oh, shut up! You sing so...
235
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,600
So you...
236
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,680
What the hell was that?
237
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,360
How old do you think we are?
238
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,760
Pack Up Your Troubles?
239
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,720
None of us
were more than toddlers in the war!
240
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,720
Oh...
I was at Woodstock, you cheeky pig!
241
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,240
We're boomers!
242
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,040
I've had three abortions.
243
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,200
Three?
244
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,440
Your body, your right.
245
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,040
Now, let's give Mr Davey a chance.
246
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,040
Get the era right, Davey,
for God's sake!
247
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,640
There's going to be a riot.
248
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,680
Yes,
but I'm not the singer.
249
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:32,920
Follow me.
HE PLAYS ORGAN
250
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,720
four o'clock, rock
251
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,560
eight o'clock, rock
252
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,920
12 o'clock, rock
253
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,920
rock around the clock tonight
254
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,080
No, no. Stop, stop.
THEY SING
255
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,280
Sorry to interrupt!
256
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,160
Sorry to interrupt.
SINGING STOPS
257
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,880
Can we have a word, please?
Yeah.
258
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,200
It's fine.
259
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,280
Thatcher out! Oh!
260
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,880
GASPS
261
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,960
MIC INTERFERENCE
262
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,240
What the hell?!
263
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,480
I tried to tell them.
They wouldn't listen!
264
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,360
Ah. Mr Huw Davey. Please, do go in.
265
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,400
HIGH-You'll be hearing
from my solicitor!
266
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,960
You are one incident away from them
calling a committee disciplinary.
267
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,280
Please,
don't go opening a pandora's box.
268
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,480
Now, you might get
15 minutes of cleaning
269
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,760
before the Ballroom Follies take
over the main space, OK?
270
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:30,600
the pipes are calling
271
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,400
Having a good morning, young man?
272
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,200
I mean, to be honest, it's more
stressful than I ever imagined.
273
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,400
Poor Bill would be
turning in his grave.
274
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,800
Wonderful man.
275
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,520
Loved by all.
276
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,000
Well, nearly all.
277
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,160
You don't think it was an accident,
do you?
278
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,520
SHE SCOFFS
279
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,280
He fell, did he?
280
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,680
Well, yeah, the police report...
281
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,600
The police! The police...
282
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,160
Wake up!
283
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,400
He was pushed!
284
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,840
BILL YELLS
285
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,080
THUD!
286
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,680
By who?
287
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,200
I have yet to reach my conclusions,
288
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:09,520
but I am currently finding
Christine's portrait
289
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,240
very interesting.
290
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,240
Ugh.
291
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,000
Oh! Now, don't you
go aggravating her,
292
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,040
she's only just managed to get
her pills down.
293
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,240
Actually, Maud,
I wanted to apologise.
294
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,960
I shouldn't have interfered before.
295
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,720
I shouldn't have lent you
my glasses.
296
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,920
You falling over - my fault.
297
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,840
You not being able to
take your pills -
298
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,760
also my fault, so...
299
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,600
You can cut my lawn!
300
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,360
Hey? She wants you to make amends.
301
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:45,880
OK.
302
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,360
I guess I could pop over
on my day off next Wednesday.
303
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,080
Wednesday is recycling day.
304
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,200
All day?
305
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,800
You heard the woman,
it's recycling day!
306
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960
One weekend? Ah, lovely!
307
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,960
A noisy lawnmower driving
the neighbours mad.
308
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:05,160
Why not organise a rave in her
garden, too? Bring a bag of Es!
309
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,520
Drugs?!
310
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,240
We can't have drugs on the property!
311
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,120
Oh, well done,
you've upset her again!
312
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,280
Can't you see she's got bad nerves?
313
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,840
SHE WHIMPERS
314
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,720
HE SIGHS
315
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,800
You look like you need that.
316
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,200
Tough morning?
317
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,920
HE SCOFFS
Well, I haven't really
318
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,520
had a chance to do anything yet.
319
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,320
People are a little
inflexible round here.
320
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,760
Yeah.
THEY CHUCKLE
321
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,040
Would you care to join me?
322
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,600
Yeah.
323
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:48,880
Ballroom Follies?
324
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,280
Yes, I do enjoy a dance.
325
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,520
Gets the creaky old joints moving.
326
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:55,760
Oh, that's lovely.
327
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:56,960
How long have you been dancing?
328
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,880
Oh, about three years now.
329
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,000
Since my husband died.
330
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,280
HE SMACKS LIPS
Oh.
331
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,600
Well, that's sweet.
332
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,600
It must be a real comfort to know
333
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,360
that you'll always have
those memories,
334
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,640
no matter what happens...
335
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:11,840
Bitch!
336
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,320
Sorry?
337
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,800
Look! That Carol Davies.
338
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,760
I knew she'd do this.
339
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,320
I showed her my new ballgown,
340
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:24,200
and she goes straight out
and buys the same one.
341
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,600
Might be a coincidence, no?
342
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,400
Don't be so fucking naive.
343
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:28,680
I've planned for this.
344
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,720
Second dress!
345
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:32,800
Mm.
346
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,560
Right, I'm going to need your help.
347
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,840
Come to the ladies'.
348
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,040
What?
349
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,160
I need you to stop people coming in.
350
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,320
No, no, no,
I don't want to get involved.
351
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,920
Oh, it's too late for that now.
352
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,080
Cover me.
353
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,280
Erm... Cover me.
354
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:05,600
Oh, I'm so sorry, they're out of
action at the moment, so...
355
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,440
Are you having a problem, Carol?
356
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,200
He's blocking the way!
357
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,480
Good God, man, interfering with
the ladies' toilets now.
358
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,120
Do we need to add
Peeping Tom to your CV?
359
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:19,320
Hey?! He pretended to be disabled to
get a blue badge.
360
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,760
I didn't, Carol.
361
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,840
And I was asked to stand here!
362
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,480
Where's Margaret?
This is a committee job.
363
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,440
We can't have a sexual deviant
blocking the toilets.
364
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,760
All right. Go in.
365
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,120
What do I care!
366
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,640
SCREAMING
367
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,960
What the hell?
368
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,200
He's exposed her!
369
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,760
On purpose!
370
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,920
Twisted pervert!
Call a committee meeting.
371
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,240
HE COUGHS
372
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,320
Oh! You've set his lungs off now.
373
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,040
Oh, the committee will
hear about this!
374
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,240
Lovely dress, Carol.
375
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:52,400
Really suits you.
376
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,080
Help me do up the back, would you?
377
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:58,280
Well, you really have caused a stir.
378
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,240
I may be able to help you.
379
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,760
Would you mind picking
Artist Of The Week?
380
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,640
I don't know whether I should.
381
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:10,440
It would really help curry favour
with the committee.
382
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:13,960
Argh!
383
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:20,120
Oh, very mysterious coming
out of the smoke there.
384
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,880
Quite regal.
385
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,080
Ah. Oh, yeah. Mm, colours. Nice.
386
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,000
Oh, so funny. Funny face.
387
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
Lovely, really nice.
388
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,120
Oh, my God!
389
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,320
Problem?
390
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,720
Are you Christine?
391
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:43,840
I am.
392
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,920
I thought so.
393
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,880
How did you know that? Hmm?
394
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,720
Oh, just people have been
talking about your portrait
395
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,360
and I can see why. It's...
396
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,040
It's very interesting.
397
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,400
I-I-In what way?
398
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,200
Hmm?
SHE CHUCKLES
399
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,240
Because of the...
400
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,080
..hands?
401
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:08,680
Oh. Yes.
402
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,520
I understand that they're hard to
do, aren't they?
403
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,400
Hands, are they...
404
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,040
They are.
405
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,520
Christine has been working
very hard.
406
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:18,280
I think she wants to know
407
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,040
what's unique about her painting.
408
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,600
Well....
409
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,880
Away, man, say it!
410
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:31,920
HE HESITATES
411
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,440
Mm.
412
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,320
Well, it's got a big old nob.
413
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,720
ALL GASP
414
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,480
Oh!
SHE BURBLES
415
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,480
I thought that's what you meant, no?
416
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,960
What the hell is wrong with you?
417
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,560
What's wrong with ME?
418
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:56,720
Saying a painting of a dead man
419
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,960
had a big.....penis.
420
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,840
She did give him
a big penis!
421
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,680
You saw she gave him a big penis!
422
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,040
Everyone saw she gave him
a big penis.
423
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,520
Yeah, well, they want you to attend
the committee hearing now.
424
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:08,760
What?!
425
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:09,840
Multiple offences.
426
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,120
Multiple.
427
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,240
No.
428
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:13,560
I've just been here trying
to do my job.
429
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,120
I'm not going to attend some
jumped-up geriatric kangaroo court!
430
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,480
They're connected.
431
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,240
Letters will have gone out
to Hunniford, Rippon, the other one.
432
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,560
There'll be exposes on TV,
the local press.
433
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,440
They've got the town MP
in their pocket!
434
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,640
Oh, God!
435
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,640
HUSHED MURMURING,
PHONE VIBRATES
436
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:33,920
It's my boss.
437
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,520
He says I've got to attend
the committee meeting!
438
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,520
HE GASPS
Snitches!
439
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,680
They won't stop. Ever.
440
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,880
Anyone in that room
could be the murderer.
441
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,560
Will you just leave me alone?
442
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,840
You've got me in enough trouble!
443
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,480
Christine Kenyon was
a viable suspect.
444
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,080
You saw the painting.
445
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:09,720
They were clearly lovers!
446
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,240
One last kiss.
447
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,320
CONSPIRATORIAL MUSIC PLAYS
448
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,480
Why a last kiss, my love?
449
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,280
I won't share you, Bill.
450
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,560
If I can't have you, no-one will.
451
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,120
BILL YELLS
452
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:31,880
Frank - him and Bill had
historical beef going back years.
453
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,640
Mostly cucumber-based, of course.
454
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,000
Well, you're putting something
on them, man! It's unnatural.
455
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,640
You think I'd illegally feed
cucumbers to win a competition?
456
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,320
Oh, Frank, this is madness.
457
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,320
I'll show you madness.
458
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,840
BILL YELLS
459
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,040
Could you just stop?
460
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,000
Maud is an interesting fish.
461
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,520
Hm! Yeah.
462
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,800
You think Frank
is in charge in that relationship?
463
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,080
Hmm! Think again, my friend.
464
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,080
All I said was,
"Coughing well today, Frank."
465
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,880
You humiliated my man, Bill.
466
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,400
His lungs are bad.
467
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,360
He could use my blue badge.
468
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,480
YOU shouldn't have a blue badge!
469
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,760
BILL YELLS
470
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,760
You do realise
I've stopped listening.
471
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:19,240
This way, please.
472
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,560
Hat off!
473
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:31,560
And also, Bill had borrowed
Carol's hedge trimmers.
474
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,160
I think you're sick,
do you know that?
475
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,640
I think you're sick!
476
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,320
OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS
477
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,280
It was a big knob!
478
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,640
OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS
479
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,440
And he looks like a fat...
480
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:02,400
The Suite For Jazz Orchestra
No. 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich
481
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,800
The committee's let you stay, then?
482
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,520
It's ridiculous,
they've put me on a...
483
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,240
Red card warning, yeah.
484
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,000
OK. Well, you know,
keep the head down.
485
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,000
You can clean again after
this last dance.
486
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,160
And, please, just don't upset
any more of them. Yeah?
487
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,720
It is a nightmare, this place.
488
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,440
I'm never retiring. Never!
489
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,640
Yeah, I told you.
I tried to tell you.
490
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,160
THUD!
STRANGLED SCREAM
491
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,640
Oh, Jesus! Maud's fallen again.
492
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,280
Could be another
Health and Safety Tribunal.
493
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,320
Ha-ha, fuck!
494
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,400
Tail between your legs?
495
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,360
I run the Ballroom Follies, too.
496
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,000
All right. Well, don't worry,
497
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,160
I'm not going near it
till you've finished.
498
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,520
You've booked the space, I know.
499
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,400
No, no, it's not that.
500
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,520
One of our dancers is without their
partner today, they're in hospital.
501
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,400
Wondered if you might
step in for the last waltz.
502
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,040
Absolutely not.
503
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,120
No. I'm cleaning and I'm leaving.
504
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,720
Look, you mean well.
505
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,840
I saw that in the sing-along group.
506
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,720
I'm asking for an act of compassion.
HE SIGHS
507
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,440
Some things are bigger
than your problems, young man.
508
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,520
All right, one dance.
509
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,840
Where is she?
510
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,000
She?
511
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:36,680
HE SIGHS
512
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,000
You've had quite the day,
haven't you?
513
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,160
I'm beginning to think this is some
sort of cheese dream, to be honest.
514
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,320
I thought retirement was
supposed to be peaceful.
515
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:56,160
This is just a load of
spiteful overgrown children,
516
00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:00,600
petty recriminations,
murder conspiracy theories.
517
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:01,800
Pauline.
518
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,480
Before she discovered the centre,
519
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,040
Pauline spent most of her days
at home in front of the telly.
520
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,160
HE SCOFFS
521
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,560
No-one murdered Bill,
for God's sake!
522
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,240
No, but it's nice to see
a fertile imagination
523
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,640
having a run out, isn't it?
524
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,040
Well...
525
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,320
I don't think you've quite got
the measure of this place, have you?
526
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,200
You see Frank?
527
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,320
Old bad legs? Yeah.
528
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,120
Used to be a pilot.
529
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:33,520
Oh. And Christine over there
ran an emergency ward for 30 years.
530
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,240
You get my point?
531
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,480
I'm afraid I haven't got a clue
what you're talking about.
532
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,960
Where does all that energy go?
533
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,880
Where's that sense of purpose?
534
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:50,120
It's here, in this wonderful,
wonderful place.
535
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,840
Then why does everyone seem
so unhappy?
536
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,240
MUFFLED CHATTER
537
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,720
Oh, look again.
538
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,560
INAUDIBLE
539
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,200
You know, you're a terrible dancer.
540
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,320
But I wish I'd given you
a whirl around myself.
541
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,000
Best not.
542
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,400
I'm a pervert.
543
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:35,720
Who says I'm not?
544
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:38,720
Oh.
545
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,480
BUSY CHATTER
546
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,760
OVERLAPPING COMPLAINTS
547
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:05,720
HE SIGHS
548
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,000
Argh!
549
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,880
Fair enough.
550
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,120
Rules are rules.
551
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:39,640
See you now. Bye.
552
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:49,640
It's ridiculous.
553
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,000
It should be in the budget!
554
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,600
Blu-Tack for mucky fingers will
have to come from your subscription.
555
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,760
Well, I think our fees for the
space should cover more than that,
556
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,560
thank you very much!
Bill, I have a lot on...
557
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:58,840
Does the committee know about this?
558
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,600
I think the committee would be
very interested
559
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,160
in where that money is going.
560
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,400
You're not suggesting...
561
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,240
And people have noticed you
running around
562
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:10,480
in a rather nice NEW Citroen Saxo.
563
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,040
How dare you!
564
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,520
SHE GRUNTS,
HE YELLS
565
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,560
Oh!
THUD!
566
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,720
Pack Up Your Troubles In Your
Old Kitbag And Smile, Smile, Smile
by George Powell & Felix Powell
567
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:37,120
in your old kitbag
568
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:44,200
to light your fag
569
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:58,040
in your old kitbag
38900
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