Original subtitles

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-And henceforth let this land be plagued By Ogres!

-It was the Green-eyed Lady of Banebower

who banished the Wizard who cursed the King

whose Queen had died giving birth to the Princess

who was about to be married.

-And will you freely take this Princess to be your wedded wife?

-I guess most people know that.

-Oh, absolu--

But how does a beautiful

Princess like her ---

only daughter of a great king, like him --

end up betrothed to this guy?

Well, it's complicated.

But, it's a great story.

The land had been known far and wide

as the Contented Kingdom.

But these days, nobody called it that.

Because of the Ogre problem.

And it really was a problem.

For years the Kingdom had been plagued by Ogres

but the lowly Goatherd

was also plagued by something else.

Try as he might he could not find Love.

Or, perhaps you could say, love had not yet found him.

Heh.

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Whoa!

-Ha! Typical.

-He's okay.

Maybe not.

Uh-oh.

That was close.

-Come on champ, shake it off.

We'll be late to the festival.

-When he arose,

the dancing figure had vanished from sight

and that might have been the end of the story

but in fact...

it was just the beginning.

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-Oh.

Looks like something the cat dragged in.

-Ugh, and smells like something the cat pooped in.

-Come on guys, there's no sense crying over spilled milk.

-How 'bout crying over being covered in sh--

-It's mud.

And maybe a little Ogre goo.

-I love the smell of Ogre goo in the morning.

Smells like...

Ogre goo, mainly.

-I saw something, Mum.

On the down. -Ogres, was it?

-A woman.

Dancing, like...

-Clean yourself up.

We'll be late.

-See you at the festival neighbors!

Save the first dance for me!

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Go on.

Make sure you dance this year.

-Mam, I can't dance.

-Going my way?

Go on.

-Oh. -Oh, well.

Age before beauty.

-Well, that's me bringing at the rear again, isn't it?

-I know, I have just the one for you.

She's perfect.

-Mam, I can't dance.

-No Princes have come this year, Sire.

Third year in a row.

-When the Plague of a Thousand Ogres is ended,

my child, I promise you shall be betrothed.

-You say that every year.

Is there anyone left to get betrothed to?

-We seem to be fresh out of idiot Princes these days.

My lady.

I should explain.

When the princess was of age

the King declared that any Prince or Noble Lord

who vanquished the Ogres

would earn his child's hand.

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-Every year valiant Princes

from far and wide came to test their might,

and rid the Kingdom of its curse.

♪♪

Oh, no.

-Which said that as long as the Ogre's lived

the Princess would marry no man.

But none of them could best the foul Ogres.

And these days, on her birthday

the Princess had no one to dance with

but the King's Dancemaster.

-Which...

Well, he was an excellent dancer.

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-Mam, I don't want to dance.

-Yes, you do.

Go on, go on.

Oh!

Ow!

Whoa!

Ah!

-Oh.

-Never thought he'd top the year he fell in the pig trough.

But he did it!

-He's a little unlucky.

-Clumsy as a three-legged camel

with two humps, that's the truth.

-You can't handle the truth.

-I ain't never had a wife.

-Never even a sweetheart.

Why is that, Mum?

Mum.

Why is that?

Is there something wrong with me?

-Yes. There is.

You're cursed.

-Like...

metaphorically?

-Evil magic.

At birth.

-I'm passed two score years old.

For no good reason I've never had a single sweetheart,

not a single kiss, or a single sweet word,

not even an enjoyable picnic with a maid,

and you 're just now telling me

that I'm cursed.

By magic.

At birth?!

-Eat your soup.

-All his life,

he had been invisible to love.

And now,

at last, he knew why.

That night his dreams were dark and full of terrors.

-This child shall never take a wife...

no not a single sweetheart, Nay!

Not a single kiss. Not a single kiss!

No, not even an enjoyable picnic with a maid shall he have!

-Nevertheless, in his heart

he began to feel a faint stirring of hope.

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For if he could but undo the curse,

perhaps, his luck would change.

-It was the Evil Wizard who done it.

"He'll never take a wife." That's what he said.

-Can I break it? The curse.

You could visit the Witch.

The Hag of Banebower.

-Can she break curses?

-Absolutely!

Hey aren't you forgetting something!

Where can I find her? The Hag.

Take the Ogre's road.

If you get to the Ogre King's Keep,

you 've gone too far,

the Ogres will eat ye.

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And mind you, boy.

Don't eat her soup!

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-You're a brave hero now is it?!

And you'll be betrothed to the Princess

by next year on her birthday, will ye?

And who'll milk the goats when you're dead?

-And so with his Mother's fond encouragement --

he left with high hopes

to set out for Banebower Wood.

And we went with him, because that's what friends do.

Except Donkey.

He doesn't love to travel.

-I prefer a staycation.

Or should I say...

a braycation?

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-I see dead people.

-Feels like a wild goose chase to me.

And I should know.

He knows what he's doing.

Ow!

Fiends!

Fiends!

Do you know how long I searched for her?

Do you?!

She was perfect!

She was beautiful!

She fit me like this hand fits this glove!

I was bound to her with my life and do you know what they did?!

Do you?!

They ate her!

They pulled her right out from under me

and ate her!

-Ugh, a maiden?!

-I'm the Captain of the King's Guard

I don't have time for maidens!

My horse!

The Ogres ate my horse!

I'm in shock.

Why am I in shock?

Look at my leg.

Ah! Look at my leg.

-Oh.

-Don't...

tell me what it looks like.

Just tell me if it's still attached to me.

They ate my horse. Ow!

-Can you move the foot?

-Uh-huh.

-Then it's still attached.

-Lost a horse but...

kept a foot.

That's a bit o' luck.

-You have some skill at healing, fellow.

You're very brave to venture thus far into the hinterland.

Or very foolish.

Shall I guess which?

-I'm after gettin' a wife.

-In Banebower Wood?

Well...

I'm a fighter not a lover,

so I'm no expert but...

there's nothing in this foul place but death and dark magic.

-You've done me no small service, countryman.

I will remember.

Call at the Castle for the Captain of the King's Guard.

I will requite thee.

And if you find that wife...

tell me if she has a sister.

But Banebower is cursed, man.

You'll not find what you're looking for in there.

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-Uh, guys?

Do you smell that?

-I can't smell a thing over the stench of

Ogres.

-Duck. -Duck.

-Goose.

-No, not Goose. Duck.

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-Whoa!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

-Uh...

He's over here.

-Is he dead?

-No.

He's, uh, napping.

-Looks dead.

-Oh.

Oh.

-He's okay.

-Oh.

-What?

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-Cats.

Very dangerous. You go first.

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Why have you come?

-I seek the Hag --

What is your wish?

-I wish --

I wish --

Water.

-If you wish for water, go to a well!

If you have a wish, you go to a Witch.

If you want to live a long life,

you don't interrupt a Witch when she is working!

Oh!

-Fine. Water.

All better?

Leave payment on the table

on your way out -- What have you got?

a rock.

Not surprised.

Are you a Wizard?!

-A Goatherd, actually.

Can I, please, have my stone back.

-No refunds no exchanges!

I --

wish for another wish!

-Technically make three wishes.

And I warn you, the more wishes you make,

the more complicated your life will become.

What's your wish?

-A wife.

I wish -- for a wife.

That's why I came.

-Why?

-I'm lonely.

-Get a pet.

-Well, I sleep with my Donkey...

-And you 're wondering why you don't have a wife?

You don't want a wife.

Aggamemnon, look what happened to him.

-I don't know who that is.

But I know I want to take a wife.

-No! You want a maidservant! A trophy!

A baby oven! A mother! That's what you want!

-No. -Yes!

You don't even know

what you want!

I do!

I want...

that thing.

That thing where you just look at someone,

and they look back at you,

and you see them.

You see them, and they see you,

and you're just there, together,

Two people that know each other.

That know what's inside each other's heart,

and you laugh, and you quarrel,

and you just are more yourself when they're there,

than you could ever be when they aren't.

That's what I want.

For a wife.

-You...

have someone? You feel that?

For someone?

No.

But I can.

I know there is someone like that for me.

You need a matchmaker.

Not a Witch.

-I'm cursed.

At birth.

By the Evil Wizard.

He said I'll never take a wife.

Can never take a wife, eh.

Exact words?

Sit.

Eat.

-Now, mind you boy, don't eat her soup!

-How was it?

-It's not...

half bad.

-Take off your clothes.

-Is that...

necessary?

-Yes.

Mirror, mirror, old and grey,

show me true things far away,

show me where this Man resides,

and who he lives with there besides.

You live with your mother?

There's definitely something wrong with you.

I'll take the job.

Can you close your eyes?

Please.

Close them! Good!

I will help you break this curse.

But first you will accomplish three tasks of my devising.

It shall be done before thirteen moons have waxed and waned.

And not a second longer.

Close them!

And...

I will be paid!

For this service, you shall give me,

for my very own to keep...

your first born child.

You want a wife or don't you?

-Give me your three tasks, Witch.

I shall accomplish them within thirteen moons.

And when I have a wife...

I shall give to you my first born child

for your very own to keep.

Done!

And you don't think this wife of yours

will have anything to say about it?

-About...

Chucking away your firstborn.

-Wait. Was that bit negotiable?

Could have haggled.

Just blithely promised away

some poor, sweet gal's little pookie.

Nine months of nausea, stretch marks,

aching back, swollen ankles,

and 18 hours frequently deadly

excruciating labor...

Hubby just grabs the little bean, head all steaming,

and gives it to some old lady he met in the woods!

Yeah, I'm sure she'll be very happy

when she finds out about that!

Just interesting.

Weensy bit man-centric thinking

if you ask me.

Nevertheless... Ready-set-go!

Can you...

not do that...

-Do what?

-Look at me.

-Oh, em, yes.

Sorry.

-Can you, please, give me the first task?

I'd like to get started.

-You will lift the Sacred Caber of Tam Lin.

-Lift the Caber...

Great.

-Ten thousand times.

-Ten times! It shall be done. -Thousand.

-A thousand, em...

-Ten thousand liftings of the Caber.

-Can we have a second task, then?

Maybe come back to the caber lifting one?

You will lift it by the strength

of the body the gods gave you alone.

Return the instant it is done.

13 moons. Three tasks.

No one's getting any younger.

You want a wife? Get started.

Go!

Here's looking at you, kid.

-Um, lost my kid. Sorry.

-Genius. Go back in there.

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-Rosebud.

-I don't know why I said it!

Firstborn child. What a cliché.

Oh.

♪♪

It's a poisoned shirt.

I'll boil him!

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-10,000?! -You won't lift it once.

You can't even lift that butter churn!

-What did you pay her with, my lad?

-You didn't promise her any goats, you halfwit?

-No, Mam!

Do you take me for a fool?

-Yes!

I'll lift it.

10,000 times.

-Well, at least you didn't eat the hag's soup!

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-What's the fool doing?

-He's gonna lift it.

-Eventually.

-No.

-He has no technique.

And not a lot of muscles, if we're being honest.

-Heck of a try, though. -What?!

Inspiring effort.

-What? He's really trying!

-No, there is no "try." Only "do."

-Should we go with him,

or do you think he needs some space?

-Aaaah!

-Space. -Yeah.

-And as a function of fiscal policy,

the justification for any supply side analysis

in the distribution of essential goods and services

in the peasant class --

Oh, God, am I boring you?

-I'm boring you, aren't I? -No, milady.

Not at all.

Okay, so, anyway,

Reginald the Terrifically Opaque

in his treatise on feudal economies

often cites stochastic disruptions

in agrarian supply chains, caused by ogres and the like.

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-Oh! You idiot!

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-Well?

Did you lift it?

-No, but --

-What did I tell you?

-I could lift a house when I was your age.

Of course, I took good care of the body the gods gave me.

-Hey, here's one for you.

A donkey, a mule, and a horse go in a bar.

No, hang on.

So, imagine, right,

there's three mules in a bar, right?

Actually, that's every...

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Barman says, "No, there's no -- only donkeys allowed."

♪♪

Two mules and a donkey go in a bar.

The barman says to the donkey,

"Are you in the -- Are you part of this lot?"

And he goes, "No, I'm nothing to do with them.

Entirely different species."

Have you heard the one about the three-legged goat?

Have you heard about this one?

Yeah, you heard that?

A mule works -- is working at a monastery.

♪♪

-The ogre stone!

A goatherd who possesses the ogre stone?

-...walk into the bar.

The barman says, "Why the long face?"

-I won't be long.

-Oh, you've heard that one.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hello, Mother.

Darling, you look horrible.

Ah! You found it!

-It found me.

-It found you!

-A goatherd gave it to her. -Who?

-A goatherd!

-A gopher? Imagine that.

Amazing things, gophers.

-She thinks it's the one the Evil Wizard had.

-Is it the one the Evil Wizard had?

Imagine it falling into the hands of a gopher!

-Can you use it, husband?

-You know I can use this.

To transmute the power locked within is trivial!

Simply channel the plasmic radiance of a thousand suns

through the ogre stone's

crystalitic meta-transmagoric substrata,

while invoking the phantasmica esoterica

so that the transmutation doesn't start a chain reaction

that consumes Earth's 34 astral planes

in apocalyptic fire,

freeing the thousand demons of Beelzebub the Destroyer!

To think, this divine power hiding for years

in the clever paws of a lowly gopher!

Be done in a jiffy if I go then, alright.

-The Sultan offered a hundred goats for your hand, darling.

Stay and meet him. You cannot hold out forever.

-I'm sick.

-Are you, darling?

My snot has turned to honey.

What is it, Mother? Is it fatal?

-Darling, have you met someone recently?

-No.

Just the goatherd.

He begged me to take a curse away.

-But you cannot break curses.

-He doesn't know that, does he?

Hmm.

He said he can never take a wife.

It was pitiful.

He had the ogre stone.

He could be Zeus.

Sometimes he disguises himself as a --

-He is not Zeus.

I think I would know Zeus if I saw Zeus naked.

-You saw the goatherd naked?

Well, well, well, well, well.

That's progress.

-Mother, he is just an ordinary, garden variety goatherd!

With blue eyes.

-Fire in the hole!

-So, how many goats does he have?

No! He's --

He's a lowly halfwit goatherd

I hoodwinked out of the ogre stone.

Smell this. Is it enchanted?

-No, darling, it's rancid.

It's not enchanted.

-Voila!

I hope this helps.

♪♪

-Is this for the butterflies, the honey snot,

and the rainbows? -No, dear.

It's for your hair. It's a disaster.

If the goatherd has a lot of goats, or a castle,

you could do worse. Maybe ask him, if he comes back.

-He isn't coming back.

The task I gave him is impossible.

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-Yeah!

You did it! I knew you could do it!

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

-Only 9,999 to go!

-Well, I once ate 50 eggs. -Huh?

-What is wrong with you?!

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-Bit longer than I was hoping.

-11 months. First task of three!

-I thought you'd be impressed that I --

-Impressed? Why would I be impressed?

You can't impress a witch.

Succeed, fail -- makes no difference to me.

You probably don't even want me to give you the second task.

-I do!

-Probably think it's a big accomplishment,

lifting a silly piece of wood.

"Oh, look at me. I tossed the Caber.

Look at my big muscles. Look at my strong legs.

Look at my exceedingly toned stomach."

You'll probably spend your life drunk,

bragging about it with your mates at the tavern.

-Are you upset about something? -No. I --

-You seem upset. -I'm fine.

-Did you...do something to your hair?

-Bless you.

Would you like to give me the second task?

-Why should I?

-I thought we had a bargain.

-Each task is harder than the last, you understand.

Set any travail, witch.

I shall accomplish it.

-Do you still live with your mother?

-Yes. -Uh-huh.

You shall seek out the ogre's keep.

You shall slay the ogre king and his many henchmen,

and you shall take possession of his castle.

And redecorate it.

-I'm not all that experienced -- -You said any travail.

-I meant metaphorically speaking.

I could kill, like, many, many spiders or --

-Ogres. Just kill the ogres. -Or if you had, like --

an infestation of termites -- -Just do it!

-...like, a big mound of them -- -You said, "Any travail."

-The ogres have plagued our land for 20 years.

-"I will accomplish it." -Whole armies have tried --

-Like, in a big, manly voice, only you didn't mean it

'cause you're a liar! -It's just very difficult

for someone who's not very experienced

with swords and things to kill a huge number

of well-defended ogres inside their castle!

And redecorating, that's like "two for one" tasks, anyway.

-It's not a suggestion. It's a travail.

To aid you in this dangerous trial,

I will bestow unto you a weapon of unusual power.

-Well, I've fought the ogres plenty in my day,

but never with one of these.

-So, but...can you teach me to fight?

-I could, but it would be a sore trade

for the service you did my leg.

Better you take back your crook

than take up a sword at your age.

Did you find that wife, by the way?

Not yet.

-And so, with the mighty spoon at his side,

he would bravely set out

to lay siege to the ogre's keep...

by himself.

Which in retrospect was...

but anyway, it took a lot of courage.

-They 'll sing songs about this. -No, they won't.

-If we win, they will. -We won't win.

-But if we do somehow win,

they 'll go off on the songs about it.

-No, they won't. We're all going to die.

Some of us will get eaten.

-I long for the gardens of Cordoba,

but first must come the fighting.

But then the gardens. -God, you're weird.

-The man with the plan!

-What plan? There's no plan.

-There is a plan. He's got the spoon.

-What spoon? That spoon?

-Yeah. That spoon!

-Off you go, bucket-head!

♪♪

-Hmm.

-We're going to need a bigger spoon.

And a bigger hat...

♪♪

-Honestly, that went better than I expected.

-Aaaaaaah!

-It was around this point that the man began to see

that his assault on the ogre's keep

may have been hasty,

and once inside the courtyard,

the flaws in his plan quickly began to reveal themselves.

He'd thought a great deal about how to get in,

but hadn't given as much thought to how to get out.

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-No! You idiot! What?!

Not like that!

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How are you going to get a wife if you 're dead?

You think that wives want dead husbands?!

-Maybe! Some of them do! I don't know!

You said take the ogre king's castle!

-Yeah, but with a spoon!

-Well, I couldn't club a field mouse to death with this!

-It's not for clubbing! -Ow!

-It's for cooking!

Soup! Cook soup!

Poison the soup with the spoon.

Ogres eat soup. The soup kills them.

and you take their castle! -Ow!

-And redecorate it!

-Aye, that's a better plan.

Why didn't I think of that?

Could have been a little clearer, but anyway.

-Instructions were on the spoon!

Read the instructions!

What kind of man doesn't read the instructions?

-"The Spoon of Unusual Power.

Add ogrebane.

Stir."

-The instructions were simple.

He was to make a soup, add the little herb of ogrebane,

and stir with the mighty spoon.

After that, the soup would kill a mountain troll.

Or a castle full of ogres.

-Can you make soup?

-Of course.

Mam!

I need your recipe for soup.

-Oh, he wants to be the great and mighty cook now, so he does.

-Mam!

Do you want me living here forever with you?

-And carrots...and turnips.

I was talking to your mother --

-Oh.

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♪♪

-Captain, you are a man.

-Yes, sire, I've always felt that I am.

-And why should a king look down on any worthy man,

so long as he has valor in him?

Give it out among all my people that any soul

who rids me of this never-ending curse of ogres

shall earn my daughter's hand.

-Anyone, my king?

-Anyone -- be it the lowliest goatherd or...

...the captain of my Guard.

♪♪

-I made it myself.

A little help, but...

Is it not good? -It's...not half bad.

You 'd be mad to go to the ogre's keep until dark, anyway.

-Maybe you could stay -- -Maybe I could stay --

-...and have lunch. -...and have lunch

before I go.

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♪♪

-The Evil Wizard...

He said I'll never take a wife.

But I'll break that curse.

With your help, I know I can do it.

I see it, like...in my mind.

-You're laughing at me. -No.

-Should have known you can never trust a witch.

I should get going.

-There's one more thing.

We'll need to help you become invisible.

-With magic?

-The witch bestowed on him a mighty disguise,

and with it the ogre stone.

She warned him he must bring to her

the ogre king's golden scalp and his deadly scepter.

And once again she made him promise

to return the instant the task was done.

-I promise I shall return the instant it is done.

-And...

...don't forget the ogrebane.

-The ogrebane, yeah. I won't forget.

-Goatherd, wait!

Don't...die.

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-Mm.

-Oh, go on, hurry up!

Quick!

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-The horror.

The horror.

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-What are we doing here?

-We're waiting. -Waiting for what?

-She wants us to meet the gopher.

-Goatherd?

What goatherd?

-Don't ask me how many goats he has.

-How many goats does he have?

-Are you sure he's coming, darling?

Yes.

He better be.

-Stand aside! We've come to lay siege to the ogre king's keep!

And the princess's hand

to that man who takes his golden scalp!

We meet again.

I hope you've left some ogres for the rest of us, countryman!

I've yet to avenge my horse!

Is it your mighty spoon you hide behind your back?

Show me your hands, fellow.

The ogre king's fell scepter.

And his golden scalp.

Is this some trick, or...

did you truly best these ogres, by the gods?

-Basically...yes.

But -- -Behold, countrymen,

at long last the Plague of a Thousand Ogres

this day has ended.

And our kingdom has a new champion!

All hail the mighty goatherd!

-Bring him to the King!

-Please, please! I must go to the Banebower Witch!

Please!

-Make way! -Make way for the King's Guard!

-Make way!

-Make way!

-Oh, joyous day!

Captain, I see that here you have brought your king

the very tokens of the enemy he dared never hope to see.

And valor, so nobly and so freely given, must be rewarded.

Thus, as I have decreed, you have earned the hand of --

-Wait. Wait, sire.

Beg pardon, my king, not to interrupt,

but...truly, sire, such valor that I have

I would not steal from any man.

It was not I who slew the ogre king --

...but this...

...this, uh...

very worthy...person...here.

-And, um...what is he?

-A goatherd, my sovereign.

-Oh. -How many goats does he have?

-Thus, with the Plague of a Thousand Ogres

finally vanquished, let it be known

that to this common-born man I give my consent

that he be betrothed to my daughter,

the prin--

-My king...the thing is...

-The thing is?

-Well, the thing is...

-I think I would honored to accept!

-He's honored to accept!

The lowliest among us raised on high this day!

No! Wait!

-Not so fast.

Has my face changed so much

since we made our bargain, oh, king?

-"Oh, king"? -Or have you forgotten

the price you promised me then, and so owe to me now,

the wish I granted you, to rid the land of ogres,

now having been fulfilled?

-No man can forget

the Green-Eyed Lady of Banebower Wood,

though time has changed us both.

You did promise me, witch, to break the Evil Wizard's curse

and banish the Plague of A Thousand Ogres,

those many years ago.

But truly, I believe it was by the valor

of this brave goatherd,

and not by any art of yours that we are delivered this day.

-And what does this... goatherd have to say?

-It's your word or hers, my son.

Be careful how you answer.

Here stands my daughter.

-My king...

...it was she. -Speak up! We can't hear you!

-There's a little gray area, but --

-Louder!

-The witch it was who gave me The Spoon of Unusual Power --

-The Spoon of Unusual Power? -It's a spoon.

And she it was who gave me the secret of besting the ogres,

the herb of ogrebane.

-Then it seems we must grant the witch her price.

-Father...

what price?

-Go on, king,

tell your extremely fashionable and rather tall princess

what you agreed to.

-That, um...

How did it go, again? Um, yes.

That no man may marry the princess, unless...

-Unless what?

-Unless he pass a trial of my choosing

and thereby earn my consent to marry the princess.

-Wait! What?! -What?!

-Might not be as bad as it sounds.

-Her consent?!

For me to be married? Hers?

A witchy shut-in who wouldn't know heroic true love

from a bloody hole in the ground?

Oh, that's bloody brilliant, that is!

Alright! Let's have it, then.

Tell us, you -- you -- you witch!

What is this super-duper special trial?

-You don't want to know.

- We do! - We definitely do!

-The princess may be betrothed only to such a skillful soul

who shall perform here, before you all,

the Dance of A Thousand Steps!

-Dance Master! Dance Master!

What's the Dance of a Thousand Steps?!

Is it something the kids are doing these days?

And one thing more --

this task will be accomplished

before the last grain of sand falls from this hourglass,

or...

she shall never be wed at all!

♪♪

-How long will that take?

-One week.

-How do you know that?

-How does he know that?

-Hag! Are you in there, hag?

-I am not a hag!

-You're right. That's a fair point.

I did notice that, actually.

But anyway, you said you would help me.

-Have I not?!

I have done all that I have promised and more.

More than you were worthy of!

-You said you would help me break the curse!

I said you must help yourself to break it!

-Had me slay the ogres.

That second task wasn't even for me, was it?

It was so that you could keep your promise

to help break the curse of the king,

which -- fair point, again --

might be a little bit more important than my curse.

-First come, first served!

-You were serving two customers

with one bowl of soup!

-What if I was!? -Well, you might have told me!

You might have kept your promise

and come straight back!

You might not have fallen in love

with the first royal floozy --

-Love?! Who said anything about love!

The king wants me to marry the Princess.

What am I going to say?

-You're old enough to be her father!

-Look, witch, there aren't an infinite of candidates

lining up to marry a goatherd!

I mean, look around.

There's no one else, is there?

The third task! You promised three!

-I gave it to you!

Or weren't you listening?

Go! Learn the Dance of A Thousand Steps

so you can have your princess and live happily ever after.

-But -- -Do you want a wife?

Or don't you? -I can't dance!

I can't dance!

I can't dance a dance of two steps, never mind a thousand!

And even if I could dance,

I certainly couldn't dance in front of other people!

I don't know why. My mouth goes dry,

my knees start to shake.

It makes me want to lose my soup --

in both directions!

You saw me out there!

The only thing I am capable of doing

in front of a crowd of people is drooling on myself!

A dance?! Are you daft, witch?!

How will I even learn it?

-Figure it out.

-The payment.

My firstborn -- there won't be one if I fail.

Don't you want a child, witch?

This isn't fair.

-No. It isn't.

♪♪

♪♪

You! -Him.

-My liege. My lady.

I lifted the Sacred caber of Tam Lin 10,000 times.

I slew the ogre king and his ogres,

took his castle, and redecorated it.

If I can do these impossible things...

I can learn the Dance of a Thousand Steps...

...in a week.

-Fairly spoken, lowly goatherd.

Dancing Master, have you found

this so-called Dance of a Thousand Steps in your scrolls?

-Oh, here's a lovely one --

the Dance of Many Abstract Movements.

-No, no, no! We all heard her.

It must be no other than the one she commanded --

the Dance of a Thousand Steps.

You don't know it?

-Sire, it is but a legend.

-What do I pay you for, you clod?!

-Yes! Found it.

The Bouncing Banshee of Loch Licht, in her 80th year,

hung up her famous clogs for good

and set to recording -- -Never mind that.

Let us see it!

-"The Dance of a Thousand Steps...

Scroll one..."

-"Of five."

-My lady, I shall do all I can to learn this dance.

-It's only the future of the kingdom at stake.

So...

...no pressure.

♪♪

-Any chance he pulls it off?

-Oh, God, I hope not.

♪♪

♪♪

-That's looking pretty good.

Right? -Wrong.

Maybe take it from the top.

♪♪

-Lifted a big stump like a dolt for months on end,

slew that ogre king, and all for what?

He can't dance, never could.

Could have married a princess,

but oh, no, not him.

Worthless!

Just like his father, so he is --

his worthless father who wanted to be a wizard!

Oh, I wasn't good enough for the likes of him, was I?

And there you were, a sweet little babe at my teat.

And into a rage he goes and curses you,

his only son!

So, if you want to know why you 're a lonely,

worthless, daydreaming eejit who'll never take a wife,

just your nefarious evil wizard of a father who cursed you!

♪♪

♪♪

-You're too hard on the boy.

It ain't his fault he's the son of the wizard.

♪♪

♪♪

-The goatherd despaired of his future...

...while the witch despaired of her past.

-For though she had banished the wizard,

his third curse had caught her at last.

♪♪

♪♪

-I doom you, I doom you by this hand to never love,

except it be to love the betrothed of another!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-It was you.

♪♪

I've seen you.

I've seen you dance.

You dance like wind in fields of golden wheat.

You move like the light of a full moon

on a surface of a swift stream.

You dance -- You dance the way music dances in ears,

the way hearts dance...

...when they are in love.

The Dance of a Thousand Steps.

It's not a legend.

You created it.

Your dance.

Teach it to me!

Teach it to me in these three days

and let me lift this curse from our land!

I'm a good man!

A kind man!

A loyal man!

And I'm a strong man.

You taught me that!

Teach me your dance!

Please, witch.

-Teach you?

So you may be betrothed?

-Can you truly not understand what it is to be cursed?

Yes...I can.

I'll teach you.

-Why are you laughing?

-I'm really not sure.

But remember,

each task is harder than the last.

One...two... -One...

-And my dance is only for the true of heart.

Three...four. -Three...four.

-Five, six, seven...

16.

-Why 16? That's only eight.

Eight for me.

Eight for you.

16.

-The Dance of a Thousand Steps.

It's a dance for two people.

I don't need to learn a thousand steps.

I only need to learn 500.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

I can't.

I can't. -You can.

It's just a few steps more.

-It's not the steps.

I can do the steps.

Here. Alone. With you.

It's in front of everyone.

I just go blank.

I'm hopeless.

-Close your eyes.

Close them.

Just finish the dance

with your heart,

not your feet.

Slow.

996.

97.

Eight.

Nine.

A thousand.

And one.

Now, just do it a hundred times.

-The dance?

Or...

It's my mother.

She wants to watch us practice.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-That's all of it, then, is it?

-She seems nice.

-Now, what's for supper?

-You enjoy witching, then, do you?

-I make my own hours.

-It's potions and unguents and that, is it?

-I turn people I don't like into mushrooms.

-Do you cook? Do you sew?

-I dance naked by the light of the full bright moon.

-I should have been a witch.

Two score years, and my son is finally a man.

A fine, strong man.

Has this palace to live in now.

Dances, so he does!

He was always a good lad. I'm so proud of him.

So proud, I am.

I never believed in his father's stupid curse.

-His father?

-The Evil Wizard.

Abandoned us. Cursed the boy.

I was just a young thing. Love's fool.

But then, aren't we all?

♪♪

He'll dance this strange dance of yours.

I know he will.

And then he'll marry the princess,

and their firstborn, my grandchild,

will one day sit on the throne,

and I can die a happy soul knowing that, I can tell you.

You've never had a child, have you, witch?

♪♪

-She's not always...like that.

-So, you are a wizard?

-The son of one.

It's not the same. -You didn't tell me.

-You never asked.

He left when I was a babe.

I'm just a goatherd. Truly.

-A goatherd who breaks curses.

-I haven't! Not yet.

Would you like to practice some more together?

-You know the dance. And you will succeed.

-How can you be so sure?

-Because...I'm cursed.

-I don't understand. -But I do.

So clever. So evil.

-Who?

-Your father, the wizard who cursed me.

He cursed you, he cursed the king,

and before I banished him forever,

he cursed me, too.

Three curses, and one unbreakable chain of misery!

-Can you not just give yourself three tasks?

-It doesn't work that way. -Well, it worked for me!

-You 're a wizard!

-I'm just a goatherd! That's all I am!

-No! -I am not a wizard!

-You must be because the tasks I gave you were impossible!

That was the whole point!

-Why would you give me impossible tasks?

-Why did you accomplish them?!

Why did you keep coming back?!

Why didn't you quit, when there was no hope?!

♪♪

♪♪

-What was your curse?

-I may only love the betrothed of another.

♪♪

Tomorrow, you will win the princess' hand

and be betrothed to her.

And I -- oh, what a fool.

What a fool I've been!

-Wait, come back. Please, witch, don't go!

-The witch finally understood the cruel fate

the Evil Wizard had set down for her.

-Keep your bargain!

-And so, she fled, unsure what she must do.

Keep her bargain with the goatherd,

only to lose him forever,

or break her promise,

knowing he would never forgive her.

The day had come,

and the kingdom's hopes hung by a thread.

All that night and into morning, no one --

not the king, nor the princess,

not the man's mother, not the neighbor,

nor the man, not his closest friends,

perhaps not even the witch herself could guess what pain,

what joy, what fate this day might contain.

♪♪

-Is our champion ready to perform

the Dance of a Thousand Steps?

Well? What's the matter with him?

-Don't tell me I put on this getup for nothing.

-You look very beautiful.

Thank you.

So do you.

-Goatherd!

The sand in the glass draws low.

Will you dance and give your king --

and all this kingdom -- hope?

♪♪

♪♪

She's dancing with him.

-Of course! A partner dance.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

♪♪

-He's done it!

-Bravo! Bravo!

-Mine! He's mine!

-Wait! Goatherd!

How many goats do you have?!

-Kneel, most determined sir.

And before take the hand of your princess,

I bestow unto you this name and title --

Lord Ogrebane the Very Fortunate.

And let this very day there be a royal wedding,

the likes of which none have ever seen!

-Put that on. It's one of my finest.

-And in such holy union as no man nor woman may dissolve,

we are gathered to witness...

For when two loving souls are so enthralled to one another,

who can stand between them?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Not half bad.

-I'm trying!

♪♪

♪♪

-Maybe ask him if he comes back.

-What was your curse?

-I may only love the betrothed of another.

♪♪

♪♪

The exact words!

-Should anyone present know of any reason

that this man and woman should not be joined in matrimony,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

♪♪

And will you freely take this princess

to be your wedded wife?

♪♪

-Oh, absolutely not.

Oh, it's not you, Princess.

You're far too fair and fine

for a scruffy old goatherd like me.

And besides, sire, I promised my firstborn child to the witch.

Can't imagine that would sit very well with your daughter,

would it?

But really, I'm old enough to be her father.

-Are you serious?

Are you actually serious with this?

10 years waiting patiently, biting my tongue,

while an uncountable hoard

of universally objectionable dead fiancés

piles up at my feet,

and after that --

after years of meekly enduring all that,

what happens?

I am farmed out like some piece of livestock

to this ancient, bumbling, addle-witted,

appallingly pungent goatherd --

...no offense --

with the sole object of producing an heir

to perpetuate the insupportable charade

of a morally retrograde patrilineal monarchy.

And what's it all in aid of?

What's the grand finale to the clichéd trope

of marrying off your princess to some random bumpkin

who wins a spectacularly weird dance contest?

Yes, that's right.

The big "wow" finish to her personal narrative

is to suffer the rank humiliation,

the utter ignominy,

of being summarily abandoned at the altar

by said senior citizen,

who was going to give my firstborn child

to a cantankerous con artist he met in the woods!

Wait, witch!

-You're married.

-Betrothed.

-But not...married?

I love you.

-You do?

How do you know?

-Because I'm more myself when you 're there

than I could ever be when you aren't.

But, you know, I've been told

I can never take a wife.

-Then will you let a witch take you?

-Yes, witch.

That I surely will.

♪♪

-Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

You're the one who said I had to marry Lord Ogrebottom --

Ogrebrain -- Ogrebane.

Who am I supposed to marry now?

-Princess, if you're truly so keen on getting married,

then I think you should marry anyone you like.

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh.

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Mm, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ And don't it feel good? ♪

♪ Hey, alright now ♪

♪ And don't it feel good? ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

-Mazel Tov!

-And that's the legend of how my best friend, a lowly goatherd,

became Lord Ogrebane the Very Fortunate

and how he came to marry

the Green-Eyed Lady of Banebower Wood

and how the Cursed Kingdom came to be called

the Contented Kingdom once more.

Because in the end,

even an Evil Wizard's curses are no match

for the mischievous child they call Love.

-He had her at "hag."

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the Evil Wizard --

what about that mean, old whackadoodledoo?

-Oh, him.

♪♪

♪♪

Well, that's a whole 'nother story.

♪♪

-♪ Ow! ♪

♪♪

♪ Mm, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ And don't it feel good? ♪

♪ Hey, alright now ♪

♪ And don't it feel good? ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪♪

♪ I used to think maybe you loved me ♪

♪ Now I know that it's true ♪

♪♪

♪ And I don't want to spend my whole life ♪

♪ Just a-waitin' for you ♪

♪♪

♪ Now I don't want you back for the weekend ♪

♪ Not back for a day ♪

♪ Ah, no, no, no ♪

♪ Now I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh ♪

♪ And don't it feel good? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, don't it now? ♪

♪♪

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