All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S05E01.The.Wolf.Returns_en

**

[ birds chirping ]

Hey. Mike Baxter here
for outdoor man

with my last vlog
from the open road --

the dirty, bumpy-ass open road.

It's been an incredible
two months putting together

the new outdoor man catalog.

Look for it later this fall.

This trip, I've seen pygmies,

but just barely, because,
you know...They're pygmies.

I've hiked glaciers.

You can calm down, tree huggers.
They're still there.

I fished for piranha, the only
fish who brag to their friends,

"you should see the one
that got away.

It was a finger.
It was this big.

Still had a little ring on it."

But I still have the most
incredible place in the world

to look forward to -- home.

As I recall,
it's somewhere in Colorado.

Big, square state.
Smells like pot.

Nothing beats coming home
after being on the road.

After two months
of exotic adventures,

I can't wait to see my family,
watch my TV, sleep in my bed.

Oh, yeah.
And eat American food.

I hear there's a new pizza
with a crust

made entirely of hot dogs?

God bless the United States,
except California.

Baxter out.

**

I'm home! Anybody?

If you want to jump out
and say "surprise,"

your -- your window's
closing.

Surprise.

Stay hidden, everybody!
Stay hidden!

I sent the girls
on an errand.

There's nobody here but me.

Mm.

My, who is this
bearded stranger

kissing me here
in the dining car?

Role playing.
How about this?

I'm the guy
just off the road,

kind of tired...
For role playing.

Okay, okay.
Let's just go up to the bedroom.

All right.
That's a role I like.

I complain, you fold.
I'm home.

W-Wow.

What -- what happened?

Looks like Martha Stewart
exploded.

I-I changed a few things.

What -- what do you
really think?

[ Chuckling ]
Great.

The only thing better
than "home, sweet home,"

is "home, sweet
where the hell am I?"

**

-- captions by vitac --

I know it's
a little different,

but I just think
it's so pretty this way.

That's the same argument
you used for Caitlyn jenner.

Come on, come on.
This place was so dark and drab.

It was like a cigar lounge.

Yeah, with a bed
and a gorgeous woman in it.

I was living the dream.

Well, imagine how much better
that dream could be

if that gorgeous woman
was really, really happy.

The dream really
wasn't about her.

[ Door closes ]

Mandy: Dad! We're back!
Where are you?!

What did you do? Send them
away for, like, two minutes?

I'm not that excited
to see you.

You know, in New York,
this kitchen would be --

I know!
An entire apartment.

You also saw Nathan Lane
at taco bell. Whoopee.

Oh, I saw whoopi, too.

You've been back for two weeks.

I'm so tired of hearing about
your stupid summer in New York.

You know, what's tiring?

A five-story walk-up
with no doorman. Oy.

Mike: Where are my girls?

Hey!
Dad!

Welcome back.

Good to see you.

Mnh. You know,

if we lived in the village
I just spent time in,

you'd already be grandmothers,
and I'd be swimming in goats.

Well, safer than swimming
in the Hudson, am I right?

Almost never.

Mandy has gone insane
for New York.

Mm, and vice-a versa.
That's a New York expression.

Well, I got a New York
hand gesture for you.

You should have seen me, dad.
I crushed my internship!

I marched right into
Donna karan's office,

and I told her she needed
to know who I was.

I'm proud of you.

Last two weeks,
I worked right under her.

So, her office was above
a strip club?

Why are you so mean to her?

And why do you set her up
like that?

Hey.

Whoa.
What are you wearing?

And why is your neck
all red?

Ugh.

So, did you girls
pick up some food?

Yeah, we were gonna
get groceries,

but the store was crazy

'cause they'd announced
a tornado watch.

Ooh. Fashion idea.
A tornado watch.

Silver lining --
we were forced to get ribs.

Ah, last time I had ribs,
we buried a pig for six days.

You know,
it's supposed to be six hours.

We were so drunk,
we forgot where we buried it.

Best food in the world --
pizza.

But Denver doesn't have pizza.
Not real pizza.

Or bagels. Or theater.
[ Chuckles ] Or a giant mayor.

We don't anything good here.

Yes, we need more bums
and crime.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Will you girls
give it a rest?

This has been nonstop
since Mandy got home.

I'm sorry, honey. I wanted
everything to be nice for you.

So, between the girls
and the bedroom, you're 0-2.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Oh, gee, Mike.

You gonna blame the weather
on me, too?

You know, it was sunny
when I left.

I'm gonna call ed,
see how the store's doing.

Welcome home, Mikey.

It's great to be home, ed.

Mandy:
Hey! I'm walking here!

Oh, god! Nobody
says that indoors!

Why don't we talk about
something else?

This storm is really
getting intense.

What's it like at the store?

Oh, don't worry about
the store, Mikey.

Outdoor man will be safe

as long as ed alzate
is drawing breath.

So, we're good till
the end of the week.

[ Chuckles ]

Listen, if you need me,
I'm right here, okay?

I'll tell you what we need.

People were crazy for those
vlogs you sent from the road.

You know, I'd -- I'd love
to get one that talks about

what it's like to be home.

Ugh, stop telling me
to fugeddaboudit!

When do I get to
go on the road, again?

[ Chuckles ]
Come on, Mike.

After roughing it
for two months,

you could tell people what it's
like to sleep in your own bed.

Uh, no, I can't.

But that's a whole nother story.

Tell you what.
I will do that vlog.

There you go. All right.
It sounds like a winner.

[ Laughs ]
I'm laughing already.

**

Kristin,
your dad is home safe.

Oh, great. Great.

Yeah, mom said not to come over
for the first couple of hours.

[ Shuddering ] Ugh.

Wait a minute.
I thought you and Ryan

were going on your honeymoon
this week.

Yeah. Yeah.

I, uh -- I postponed that.

Again? You know,

I hate to lose you
for a week,

but it is your honeymoon.

I know.

And this is gonna sound
terrible, but...

You had an affair.

What? No.

Ryan had an affair.

No.

Well, times have changed.

No, Ryan and I are great.

It's just running the restaurant
has been amazing for me.

For the first time since
I got pregnant in high school,

I feel like I am fulfilling
my potential.

Mm-hmm.

I like that feeling.
Am I crazy?

Well, let me answer
your question with a question.

You are not crazy.

And we've talked about
this before --

how people like you, me,
and your dad --

we're building something.

We're not just
punching a clock.

All right?

Your mom gets that.
Wendi gets that.

I think Ryan
gets that, too.

Yeah, he didn't seem to mind.

He actually used
our plane tickets

to take Boyd to visit his dad.

There you go.

Thanks, ed.

You're welcome.

That boy's a lucky kid.

My dad never took me
on his honeymoon.

"Great to be home" vlog,
take one.

Mike Baxter here
for outdoor man.

Ever heard the words
trophic cascade?

That's when
the magnificent animal

at the top of the food chain
disappears for a while.

It could be a wolf

or a handsome, bearded
marketing genius.

But in his absence,
the whole ecosystem goes nuts.

Deer populations explode,
foliage is stripped bare,

and the she-wolf has a field day
at bed bath & beyond.

And I mean way, way beyond.

Flowers in a wolf's den?

Come on.

Please. Somebody tell me
what the heck this thing is.

Even the guy
at bed bath & beyond

had no idea what it was.

Cost 11 bucks.

Guess what -- made in China.

But you know what?
It doesn't matter,

because when the wolf
comes back, he fixes things.

I've decided that next year,

I'm gonna spend a lot more time
on the road,

even though every time
I come back,

they'll be a trophic cascade
of things to fix.

But it's okay,
because I'm a wolf.

Hey, honey.

You know what you're
never gonna fix?

This room. It's gonna
stay like this forever.

"Great to be home" vlog,
take two.

[ Wind rushing ]

Hey, honey, honey, honey.

Honey, honey,
stop for a minute.

I wasn't making fun
of your bedroom.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, a little bit.

I-I really didn't mean it.

Hmm?

Okay, a little bit.

You know, Mike, it --
it's fine.

I-I don't expect you to
care about my feelings.

Oh, stop. Don't be
passive-aggressive,

or, as the French
call it, war.

[ Scoffs ]

I'm not being
passive-aggressive.

Yes, you are.
You know what?

When you go back
on the road

and I redecorate your den,

that will be
passive-aggressive.

Mandy:
I'm gonna kill you!

Eve: I don't get what
the big deal is!

Oh, great.
More angry women.

Mom!

Eve used this dress
that I made in New York

to clean the bathroom!

Eve,
why would you do that?

I thought it was a rag.

It's tiny and ugly,
just like Mandy.

Eve!

That's really out of line.

What's going on between you two?

Nothing. Mandy just sucks.

You suck!

Stop this!

Way to fix
the ecosystem, wolf.

Hey, dad.

Welcome home.
[ Chuckles ]

Thought I'd see you tonight.

Oh, yeah. No. They raised
the tornado watch to a warning,

so ed closed the store.

It's getting really
dangerous out there.

It's not that safe in here,
either.

[ Sirens blaring ]

Oh, my god.
Did we win something?

Yeah. Go outside and look for
a big funnel-shaped cloud.

Your prize is in there.

The only place we're going
is down to the shelter.

Let's just pretend we want
to survive this thing.

**

[ siren blaring, wind rushing ]

All right.
Everyone's gone.

Good.
Now, you go, too.

What about you, sir?

No, I'm staying.

I've got to take care
of the store.

Tornadoes
are dangerous.

I saw this documentary
about this house in Kansas

with this girl
and her little dog inside

that got completely picked up
by a tornado.

Although, interesting fact --
that's where color comes from.

If he only had a brain.

All right, Kyle.
Get the hell out of here.

Go ahead.
I'm not leaving you.

Why not?
Everyone else has.

In their defense, you did
tell them to go home, sir.

Is everything okay,
Mr. Alzate?

It's wendi.

I'm sure she's safe,
right?

You said she's visiting
her sister.

Yes, she is,
but she's not coming back.

She just called
and said she's leaving me.

W-Why? What happened?

Well, I don't want to
talk about it.

She said that all I care about
is the store.

I'm sure she didn't
mean that.

She probably just found
somebody she likes better.

You're not very good in
these situations, are you, son?

Look, look,
outdoor man is all I have left.

If it goes down,
I'm going down with it.

Or up, as the case may be.

**

So, how was New York?

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

[ Sighs ] Oh, hey.
How did dad like the bedroom?

Uh, no, no,
no, no, no.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Are we safe in here?

It doesn't feel very safe.

It hasn't felt safe
since I got home.

And I think it's about time that
I got things back to normal.

Your father thinks
he's a wolf, girls.

This is a shelter, right?

That's what a family
is supposed to feel like.

You're supposed to feel safe.

You know, safe enough to tell
each other what's bothering you

without judgment and
a minimal amount of snarkiness.

Why don't I try?

Honey, I think I know

why you redecorated
our bedroom.

Oh, good. I love it when you
tell me why I do things.

You walked into the bedroom,
it reminded you of me, and...

You found yourself
being kind of scared.

Of what?
Mahogany and leather?

No, about me getting hurt
on the road.

Honey, I got over that
years ago.

I am 100% not scared
for your safety.

[ Tablet chimes ]

Um, dad.
Kyle just texted.

Ed is on the roof of outdoor man
and won't leave.

And Kyle won't leave
without him.

This is terrible.

Kyle's supposed to die
saving my life.

Damn it, damn it.

Wait. You're -- you're
going out there?

Yeah. Kyle and ed are
on the top of a building

in the middle of a storm.

A little short on leadership
at this point.

Dad, be careful.

I'm not worried.
Your mom's not worried, right?

That's right.
Happy tornado.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Okay, now i'm
a little worried.

[ Sighs ] I can't get
through to your dad.

The Wi-Fi is out. We're not
gonna get a signal down here.

There's got to be something
we can do.

Let's just call dad
and ask him.

Ohh.

Ugh, your dad was right.

I should have just told him
what was bothering me

instead of arguing about
the stupid bedroom.

Wait, what is bothering you,
mom?

[ Sighs ] Well, it's --
it's been a strange summer.

Oh, my god.
You had an affair?

What?! No. No.
[ Chuckles ] No.

Oh, you got to stop
hanging around ed.

No, it was the week that Eve
was at junior RotC camp

and Mandy was off
conquering New York.

Nice. You had the house
to yourself.

Yeah.
It was awful.

Yeah, I realized that
that's what it's gonna be like

in a year when you girls
are gone.

But you know the one thing
that made it all okay?

Please don't say "wine."

No. I knew that I would always
have your dad here with me.

But then today,
I'm up in the bedroom,

and I-I hear him say
he's going back on the road.

And...that made me feel more
alone than when he was gone.

'Cause I guess --

I guess we just --
we don't want the same thing.

You need to say that to dad.

That's what he was trying
to tell us down here.

We all need to be honest
with each other.

Oh.

Oh, crap.

Um, I have something
I think I need to say.

I may have slightly exaggerated
my success in New York.

How slightly?

Completely slightly.

I thought you made
a big impression on Donna karan.

I did.
She thinks I'm nuts.

Um,
I marched into her office

and told her she needed
to get to know me,

and she called security,

and I got thrown out
of the program.

So, for the last two weeks,
I just hid in my apartment,

trying to fugeddaboudit.

I guess dad was right.

I do feel better telling
everybody the truth.

Yeah, finally.

What?

I knew what happened
in New York.

Kyle told me because
he wanted me to be nicer to you.

It didn't work.

You're the worst!

No, you're the worst
for not telling me!

Just because I make fun of you

doesn't mean I wouldn't be there
for you if you really needed me.

And I need to know
that I can come to you

if anything goes wrong
in my life because we're sisters

and I love you, you idiot.

I love you, too,
you monster.

Listen, I don't care
what Donna karan thinks.

You are awesome.

And you are all right, too.

Come here.

Okay. It's a-a little weird
with the lights on.

Mom, what's wrong?

Well, this is awful.

Now everybody feels better
but me!

[ Tablet chimes ]

[ Gasps ] It's Kyle!
We're saved!

Words that have never
been said before.

Let me see.
Let me see that.

Kyle? Kyle, listen,
is Mike there?

I need to talk to him.

Kyle: Uh, yeah. Yeah,
he just got here. Look.

Oh, uh-oh.

W-What's the matter?

This isn't good.

Ed! Ed!

What the hell you guys
doing up here?

Trying to save the store!

Who needs wendi?

The store won't dump you
just because

you're emotionally distant
and incapable of affection!

Yeah, Kyle told me about wendi.
I'm sorry about that.

But what do you say
we go inside to talk about it

where we're not worried about
getting hit by a flying cow?

What can a storm do to me
that life hasn't already done?

Kill you. Come on, ed.

Mr. Baxter,
you've got a phone call.

Kind of busy right now,
Kyle.

Get out of here, Mike!
You've got people who love you!

Mike, honey,
are you all right?

Can we talk about this in,
like, five minutes?

Hi, dad!

Hey, Eve.

You might want to hang up.

Imagine the roaming fees if
I got picked up by a tornado.

Oh. Like that one?

Whoa.

Ed, ed, ed. Listen, listen,
listen, listen, listen.

The store is important,

but it's not the skylight or
the walls or the merchandise.

It's the people, ed.

Yes, the people. Can I --
can I just say something?

I got something
going on here, honey.

It's the people that care about
you that are important, ed.

It's not the building, but
the people in the building.

As long as we stay
together, right?

As long as we stay together --
wait a minute.

That's what this is about.

You're not really worried
about me at all, are you?

You just don't want me
going on the road.

You want us to be
together.

Yes, honey. I don't want you
to choose that over me.

I would never choose that
over you.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Do you want to kiss her?

Mike, I feel like
I'm losing your focus.

You have family, too --
everybody in the store

that cares about you --
Kyle, myself,

even skip in
the loading dock.

I fired skip.

Forget about skip.

Kyle and I are on the roof with
you in the path of a tornado.

We care about you!

And I care about you, too.

So, what are we doing
on the roof?

I got to get my family
out of here.

Come on. Let's go.
Come on.

I had one more speech in me,

and then I was gonna hit him
with the hammer

and drag him inside.

Get in here.

Wow.

We were lucky.

Yeah.

None of the shirazis'
ugly Greek statues

blew into our yard.

Yeah.

And Mr. Alzate and I
didn't die.

Kristin,
I'm gonna revise

that advice I gave you
on the honeymoon before, huh?
Yeah.

I just called Ryan.

Told him we are going
as soon as he gets back.

Good.

You don't want
to get caught on a roof

throwing rocks at a storm,
right?

It happened before
you got there.

It's about balance, ed.

Work is important,

but you want it
to get in the way of family.

Yeah,
'cause like dad taught us,

family is the bomb...
Shelter.

Boom!
Still got it.

Boom.
Never had it.

Ah.

Cannot hurt my feelings
because you told me you love me.

Mm.

Well, Mandy and Eve
worked things out.

Hmm.
Well, the wolf says
you're welcome.

Okay.

But I want to talk about
the decorations in the bedroom.

Oh, no, no, honey,
it was just a little project.

There was no big thinking
behind it.

Clearly.

I don't care what
the bedroom looks like

as long as we're in it
together.

Right. Right.
That's what I was thinking.
Yeah.

I think we should take
another closer look at it,

just you and me,
together.

I think you are right.

Girls, why don't you
go get us some food?

We already got some.

Get some more!

Okay.
Uh, Kyle, can you drive?

No, I don't think so.

I want to take a look
at that bedroom.

**