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Everybody Hates Chris #042
"Everybody Hates Dirty
Jokes" CLOSED CAPTIONED
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00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,505
CHRIS ROCK:
Ever since I was a kid,
I always loved comedy.
3
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,174
I loved cartoons.
4
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,475
(meowing)
5
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,411
I loved sitcoms.
6
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,480
Sunday's supposed to be my day
of rest, you know.
7
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:16,417
But most of all,
I loved stand-up comedians.
8
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,752
Michael Jackson kept his
sunglasses on.
9
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:21,122
He had to-- Cyndi Lauper
kept shining in his eyes.
10
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,124
(laughing)
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00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,692
All right, y'all,
time to go to bed.
12
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,130
Ma, can I stay up
and watch 'til the end?
13
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,364
It's almost over.
14
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,532
All right.
15
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,833
Drew and Tonya, go.
16
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,169
Good night.
17
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,106
And Prince didn't show up.
18
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,340
He doesn't like to go anywhere
19
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,674
where the cast
outnumbers his bodyguard.
20
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:44,445
What I didn't know was that my
parents loved comedians, too.
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00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:47,815
REDD FOXX (on record player):
You knew it in your heart,
you haven't washed your hair.
22
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,187
* Express yourself
23
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,356
(laughter)
24
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,359
(laughter)
25
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,461
FOXX:
So one night,
the time was right,
26
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:03,097
he asked her, he said,
"Honey, would you marry me?"
27
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,565
She said "wooden eye?"
28
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,334
I can't say what he just,
29
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,870
but it was the first dirty joke
I had ever heard.
30
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,140
"Geez, baby, what time
do you have to be home?"
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00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,474
And it wasn't the last.
32
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,476
She said "Christmas..."
33
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,745
A lot of kids would get
in trouble sneaking out of bed
34
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,480
trying to listen
to dirty jokes.
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00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,349
I ended up getting a career.
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00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:25,353
Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION
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00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,550
CHRIS ROCK:
I risked a beating
38
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,686
trying to hear one side
of that Redd Foxx album.
39
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,555
Now I was risking my life
trying to hear the other side.
40
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:11,499
Now, I know it was wrong
to sneak behind my parents back
41
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:12,566
and listen to dirty records,
42
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,535
but if listening to dirty
records was wrong,
43
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:15,703
I don't wanna do right.
44
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,805
REDD FOXX:
When I was a kid,
during the depression...
45
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,274
I mean we were poor.
46
00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:23,177
When Christmas time came,
if I hadn't been a boy
47
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,446
I wouldn't have had nothing
to play with.
48
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,516
I found out one thing in life,
49
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,851
if you want people to laugh,
tell 'em a joke.
50
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,586
Now, if you want them
to really laugh,
51
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:33,921
tell 'em a dirty joke.
52
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,624
Okay, and there was
one black sheep,
53
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,691
and the chief said,
54
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:40,628
"Okay, you don't tell on
me, I won't tell on you."
55
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,630
(laughs)
56
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:46,434
All right, stop it, man, come
on, I can't take another one.
57
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,302
No, no, no, no, wait,
I've got one more.
58
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,503
Hold on.
No, no.
59
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,671
I can't take it.
60
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:51,439
Who is that?
61
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,907
Redd Foxx.
From Sanford and Son?
62
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,309
He's a comedian?
63
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,477
Yeah, you big dummy!
64
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,445
Yeah, I didn't know it either.
65
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:58,679
My parents have like a bunch
of his albums.
66
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,348
And they let you
listen to that?
67
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:01,549
Not really.
68
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:02,650
Still won't!
69
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,551
JOEY:
Hey, Buckwheat.
70
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,986
Alfalfa. What's so funny?
71
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,821
Uh, I was just telling
a stupid joke.
72
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:08,922
Tell me.
73
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,991
Nah, you wouldn't
really like it.
74
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,527
Yeah, you won't like me smashing
your face in a locker.
75
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:14,695
Now, tell me the joke.
76
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,530
It's funny. Tell him.
77
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,532
Okay.
78
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,601
There's a missionary who went
to an African village...
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00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,870
If you can make your worst
enemy laugh with a joke,
80
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,472
that's a funny joke.
81
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:25,939
...and there was
one black sheep.
82
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,341
And the chief said,
83
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,609
"Okay, you don't tell on me,
84
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,611
I won't tell on you."
85
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,480
(laughing):
That's real funny, Flip.
86
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,581
Hey, guys,
87
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:34,948
For the first time,
come here.
88
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,784
I realized a good joke can stop
89
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,286
a beat down.
90
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:39,720
Too bad Reginald Denny
didn't know any jokes.
91
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,289
All right,
so there's a missionary
92
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:42,623
who lived in
an African village...
93
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,625
(Maxine humming)
94
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,594
Momma, what you
doing in here?
95
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,662
I thought you might
need a hand with dinner.
96
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,631
Since my grandfather
passed away
97
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,567
my grandmother had a lot
of free time on her hands,
98
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,469
and she was giving it
to my mother.
99
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,537
(clears throat)
100
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,672
Baby, that's not
the way to do that.
101
00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,641
But I do it this way
all the time.
102
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,643
Yeah, but the way
you do it is wrong.
103
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,545
Go ahead sit down,
I'll do it.
104
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,380
Go ahead, I'll do it.
105
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,915
The only thing
my mother hated worse
106
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,951
than no help
was help from my grandmother.
107
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,754
Okay.
108
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,956
Dinner is served.
109
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,693
Ooh, um...
110
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,462
I can't eat this.
111
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:22,730
My gout will flair up.
112
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,598
Oh, don't worry.
113
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,700
That's oven-fried chicken.
114
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,636
I used skim milk
in your macaroni,
115
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,604
that's a baked
potato and salad.
116
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,406
So, you go ahead, eat up,
you'll be just fine.
117
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,343
Wow, Momma never did
all that stuff.
118
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:35,909
Shh!
119
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,712
Where's Momma anyway?
120
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:40,814
Hey, baby,
121
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,016
you wanna sit down and
have something to eat?
122
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,017
Mm, I'm fine.
123
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,819
Grandma made oven-fried chicken.
124
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,020
Oh, really?
125
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,756
That's nice.
126
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,724
Well, I'm gonna finish
the laundry.
127
00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:51,692
It's finished.
128
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:52,760
Then I'll go
straighten up
129
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:53,461
the kids' room.
130
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,094
Oh, they're
straightened.
131
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,529
Uh-oh.
132
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,398
Then I guess I'll go do my toes.
133
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:59,032
They're done.
134
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,803
ROCHELLE:
When did you do my toes?
135
00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,438
MAXINE:
While you were asleep.
136
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,006
I didn't want to wake you.
137
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,641
That look means,
138
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,477
"If you do something else,
you're finished."
139
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,580
Here comes your
girlfriend, Drew.
140
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:14,815
Girlfriend?
141
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:15,949
I don't like her.
142
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,217
Well, she likes you.
143
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:20,454
And she's going around telling
everybody that you kissed her.
144
00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,889
Wait, Tonya...
145
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,724
Just about every girl
in the neighborhood liked Drew,
146
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:27,761
and Chantal was just about
the only girl Drew didn't like.
147
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:28,996
Hey, Drew.
148
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:29,863
What you doing?
Uh, nothing.
149
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:31,932
I was just about to go
back in the house.
150
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,034
Oh... you coming
back out?
151
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,003
Ah, I don't think so.
152
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,005
Oh, you gonna be out
tomorrow after school?
153
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,107
I don't know.
I may have to stay in.
154
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,375
Oh.
155
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,110
Well, maybe I'll
see you later.
156
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,078
Yeah, maybe.
157
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,651
While Drew was trying
to make a clean break,
158
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:53,120
I was getting down and dirty
with my new jokes.
159
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:56,056
I told the one about the guy
who got bitten by the snake...
160
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,491
So the doctor said make two cuts
161
00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,126
where your friend was bitten
by the snake
162
00:05:59,159 --> 00:05:59,960
and suck out the poison out.
163
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:02,062
So the guy gets back
to his friend,
164
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,997
the friend said,
"Well, what did the doctor say?"
165
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,999
"You're gonna die."
166
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,535
(laughing)
167
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,103
I told one about the two guys
on the bridge...
168
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:14,007
And so then the white guy said,
"Man, this water is cold."
169
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:17,010
And the black guy said,
"Yeah, and it's deep, too."
170
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,311
(laughing)
171
00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:21,882
And I told the one about how
to become an honorary Eskimo.
172
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,117
So, he was bleeding, and
his clothes were torn.
173
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:25,653
So he walks in and says,
174
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:28,121
"Now, where's the Eskimo woman
I'm supposed to kill?"
175
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:31,024
(laughing)
176
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,693
(laughing):
Aw...
177
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,161
Hey, little dude
from across the street, man,
178
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,063
you're momma know you here
telling jokes like that?
179
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,798
Nah.
Because if she did,
180
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,032
she'd smack the smut out of me.
181
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,034
Hey, hold up.
182
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,002
Let me hold a dollar.
183
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:45,172
You want one?
Yeah.
184
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,512
For years I had tried
to be cool,
185
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,414
but I had never felt cooler
than when I tried to be funny.
186
00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:59,753
CHRIS ROCK:
While I kept the guys rolling
with laughter,
187
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:02,490
my mother kept my father
from rolling into bed.
188
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,691
What are you doing up?
189
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,025
I can't sleep.
190
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:07,027
Translation: "He can't sleep."
191
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,997
I didn't do something,
did I?
192
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,633
No, it's my mother.
193
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,502
She's driving me crazy.
194
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,470
Every time
I want to do something,
195
00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:17,838
either she's already done it
196
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,707
or she doesn't like
the way I did it.
197
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:22,075
Baby, she's just
trying to help.
198
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:24,545
If you call her making me want
to knock her out "help,"
199
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:25,746
she's doing fine.
200
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:26,980
I mean,
201
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,115
she's got a house.
202
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,551
Why can't she go over there and
clean up after Michael?
203
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:33,186
Because if she has to pick up
another one of his socks
204
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,222
she's gonna strangle
him with it.
What?
205
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:36,123
We were talking earlier.
206
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,225
Rochelle, she's lonely.
207
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,760
She told you that?
208
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,062
No, but it's obvious
she misses your father.
209
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,264
I think she's just trying
to keep herself busy.
210
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,700
Well, I wish she would find
something else to do.
211
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:49,102
Maybe she should go on a date.
212
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,137
A date?
213
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,939
My mother is almost 60.
214
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,207
How would she look out there
trying to get a date?
215
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:56,143
Like Bea Arthur
on The Golden Girls.
216
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,111
Better than
she looks downstairs
217
00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,813
trying to cook
your dinner.
218
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:02,249
Back at school,I learned
another valuable lesson.
219
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,017
You could be funny
at the wrong time...
220
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:05,586
And then the guy said,
"All right, fine.
221
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,154
"Just as long as
you don't hit me
222
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,956
in the back of the head
with that stick."
223
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,123
(laughter)
What's going on
back there?
224
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,225
Nothing.
Oh, really.
225
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:15,829
So the whole class is giggling
up a storm over nothing at all?
226
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,131
Caruso...
227
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,232
It wasn't me.
228
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,768
He's the one shucking
and jiving.
229
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,604
I guess he's never going
to be in the mob.
230
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:24,872
So, Mr. Funny Man,
231
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,240
you're so funny,
why don't you make me laugh?
232
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:28,576
I can't.
233
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:29,977
Obviously you can.
234
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,579
Everybody else is laughing.
235
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:34,748
You told them a joke,
so you can tell me a joke?
236
00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:36,283
I don't think so.
237
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:39,152
Oh, so now you're thinking?
238
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,621
Well, I tell you what.
239
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,189
You'll have plenty
of time to think
240
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,024
when you're serving a day
in detention.
241
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,258
(kids gasp)
242
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,728
Don't ask me
what I'm thinking right now.
243
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:51,164
Since my grandmother was too
old to go out looking for men,
244
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,734
my mother decided
to bring the men to her.
245
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,803
Oh, hey, Mrs. Rochelle,
what can I do for you?
246
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:56,937
Hey, Mr. Omar.
247
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,972
Do you remember my mother,
Maxine?
248
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,173
Yes.
249
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,242
Husband died telling
a knock-knock joke.
250
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,678
Tragic. Tragic.
251
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:06,680
I was wondering
if you might know
252
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,582
of any available men
around her age?
253
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:09,717
Uh-oh,
254
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:12,820
momma's got a brand
new bag, huh?
255
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:14,688
Yeah, I think I might know
a few people.
256
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:15,956
Come on in.
Okay, thanks.
257
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,791
So, uh,
how is Mr. Julius?
258
00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:19,126
He's fine.
259
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,160
Oh.
260
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:24,264
Some guys want their sisters
to hook 'em up.
261
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,799
Not Drew.
262
00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:26,900
Chantal called you.
263
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,001
What?
264
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,136
How'd she get our number?
265
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,337
I gave it to her.
266
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,739
What'd you do that for?
267
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:33,273
Because she likes you.
268
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,008
So? I don't like her.
269
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:36,076
So?
270
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,177
What do you mean "so"?
271
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:38,345
I mean "so."
272
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,247
Just because you don't like her
273
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,581
doesn't mean she
don't like you.
274
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:44,852
Drew hadn't learned that women
spoke a different language...
275
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:46,219
Crazy.
276
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,988
Meanwhile,
my mother was looking
277
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,923
for a man to get back
her sanity.
278
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,224
I have a question for you.
279
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,926
Of course.
280
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:57,965
Does your mom have a cellar,
a large freezer and a pension?
281
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,869
Have you ever dated
a black woman before?
282
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,303
Oh, yeah.
283
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,273
There's nothing I love better
than a bad mamajama.
284
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,642
I hope you're talking
about the song.
285
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:12,713
Did Mr. Omar send you?
286
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:15,348
No, your window was open.
287
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:18,952
Can you hold this gun?
288
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:22,956
Michael,
what are you doing here?
289
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,257
Stopping a home wrecker.
290
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,193
You trying
to break me and Momma up.
291
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,360
It's time for her
to come home.
292
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,396
I'm hungry.
293
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,067
Hey.
294
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:35,335
Hey, Mr. Omar.
295
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:37,037
Yeah, so how did
the fellas work out?
296
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,371
They didn't.
297
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:39,372
Who's this?
298
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,607
I'm Lester.
299
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,944
You know, you're much younger
than I thought you would be.
300
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:44,978
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
301
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,180
Slow down, lowdown.
302
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:48,281
You're not coming to meet me.
303
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,017
You're coming
to meet my mother.
304
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,853
(gravelly):
Well, if she looks
anything like you,
305
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,454
this could work out.
306
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:57,324
Calm down, Billy Dee,
she don't want your Colt 45.
307
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:58,325
Well, if you talk
308
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,828
to her like you talking to me...
309
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,095
(gravelly):
it just might.
310
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,131
(all laughing)
311
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,272
Where you been?
312
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:15,142
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was in detention.
Detention?
313
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,076
For what?
314
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,111
I was telling
Redd Foxx jokes in class.
315
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:19,980
Redd Foxx?
316
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,414
As dirty as he is,
317
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,383
I know your mother
didn't let you listen to that.
318
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:26,253
Nope. I snuck and listened to it
while they were asleep.
319
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:29,189
Oh, you got a little sneak
in you, huh?
320
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,257
Yeah, I guess.
321
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:33,393
You know, I used to write
jokes for some comedians
322
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:34,394
back when.
323
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,830
You did?
Mm-hmm.
324
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,801
I got a joke or two on most
of these albums here.
325
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:41,601
Really?
326
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,503
Well, can I listen to them?
Sure.
327
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:46,439
But some of this material
is a little blue.
328
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,175
Blue?
329
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,276
Yeah, filthy.
330
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:52,412
So if you hear something
you ain't supposed to hear,
331
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,480
turn it off.
332
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:55,415
Don't be so strict, old man.
333
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:56,750
I'm gonna make a slopper.
334
00:11:56,784 --> 00:11:57,785
You want one?
335
00:11:57,818 --> 00:12:00,020
Nah, I'm all right.
336
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,758
"Moms Mabley?
337
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:09,029
"Bill Cosby.
338
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:12,065
George CarlinClass Clown"
339
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:15,002
(laughing)
340
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:18,038
CARLIN:
Yeah, there are 400,000 words
in the English language,
341
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,808
and there are seven of them
you can't say on television.
342
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,910
(sing-songy):
They must really be bad...
343
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,278
"Seven Words You Can
Never Say On Television"?
344
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:26,513
You know the seven, don't you,
345
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:27,414
that you can't say
on television?
346
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,783
Seven? I could
only think of three.
347
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,418
(two bleeps)
What? Whoo!
348
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:32,853
(bleeps twice)
Ouch! Uh-huh!
349
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:34,387
(two bleeps)
Whoa! Hey, now!
350
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,423
(bleep)
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
351
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,391
My vocabulary
just grew by four.
352
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,029
Dirty jokes were one thing.
353
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,197
Dirty words were
a whole new ballgame.
354
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,933
Oh, my God.
355
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,100
Where'd you hear that?
356
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,268
George Carlin.
357
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,037
That's comedy?
358
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,238
I think it's funny.
359
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,873
Well, I hate cursing.
360
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:55,508
My father used to call my mother
number four all the time.
361
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,977
Then she'd call him number five.
362
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,846
And they'd go back
and forth like that.
363
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,148
Five, four, two, one.
364
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,349
Seven.
365
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,550
Then they'd end up
on number three.
366
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:06,153
Greg was an early adapter
of "too much information."
367
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,587
Well, I don't want
to get in trouble,
368
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,489
so don't tell anybody.
369
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,124
It never occurred to me
that Greg wasn't
370
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:12,993
the one I had to worry about.
371
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:14,862
(all gasp)
372
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,196
Don't tell anybody.
373
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,464
Don't tell anybody.
374
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,566
I liked it better
when you worked clean, man.
375
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:22,402
You know, I feel that the use
of foul language degrades
376
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:25,839
not only the listener
but the speaker as well.
377
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:27,474
Caruso is the only guy I know
378
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:30,577
who would beat things
out of you he wouldn't say.
379
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,579
Just because my mother
found a man
380
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,381
didn't mean my grandmother
wanted one.
381
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,516
Rochelle, you know
I hate surprises.
382
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,218
Momma, I think
you might like this one.
383
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,586
Okay.
384
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,188
What?
385
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,891
(groans)
Ta-dah!
386
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,558
Momma, this
is Lester.
387
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,861
Lester, this is
my mother Maxine.
388
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,262
It's a pleasure to meet you.
389
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:51,231
What is this?
390
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,432
Mom, it's just dinner.
391
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,501
I just thought you might
like to have a meal
392
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,603
with somebody
besides us for a change.
393
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:58,305
So, what, you just go out on
the street, get some man,
394
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,439
bring him up here
to eat with me
395
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:00,440
like I'm a
charity case?
396
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:01,975
No, Momma, I didn't say that.
397
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:05,012
Maxine, it's just
a friendly meal.
398
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,413
That's what Robert Blake said.
399
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,148
We are not friends.
I don't know you.
400
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,516
And you sure don't know me.
401
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:12,452
Well, I was thinking we
could get to know each other.
402
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:13,954
Anybody ask you
what you think?
403
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:14,587
ROCHELLE:
Momma!
404
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:15,588
Don't "Momma" me.
405
00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,157
I'm too old
for a blind date.
406
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,359
Wouldn't say that
if it was Stevie Wonder.
407
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:20,593
I don't know who
you're eating with,
408
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:24,397
but you're not going
to eat with me.
409
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:25,665
Momma...
410
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,368
Just have a couple
of peas or something.
411
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,438
Sorry?
412
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:32,305
What about you?
413
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,606
Would you care to eat?
(door closes)
414
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:34,942
What?
415
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:36,576
I came to eat.
416
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,545
I don't care who I eat with.
417
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:43,183
Might as well.
418
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,919
My brother never asked me
for advice about girls
419
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,587
and there was a good reason.
420
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,656
(sighs)
421
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,091
What's wrong?
422
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,692
Well, there's this girl.
423
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,493
What about her?
424
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,262
You know when
a girl likes you,
425
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,629
but you just don't
like her back?
426
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,932
Is he serious?
No, I don't.
427
00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:01,034
Well, how do you tell her
without hurting her feelings?
428
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,035
I have no idea.
429
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,937
I should probably just
tell her the truth, huh?
430
00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:04,938
I don't know.
431
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,974
I should probably
tell her.
432
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,009
Okay.
433
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,978
Thanks.
Welcome.
434
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:14,314
Why can't everything
be this easy?
435
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:24,057
Ma, I can't believe you
treated that man like that.
436
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:27,027
I can't believe you
treated me like a floozy
437
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,497
looking to pick up some
strange man off the street.
438
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,199
Well, Ma, ever
since Daddy died,
439
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:34,101
I just worry about
you being lonely.
440
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,568
I am not lonely.
441
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,305
I love coming here, taking care
of you and your kids.
442
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:41,975
But you're
driving me crazy.
443
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,743
Ma, this
is my house.
444
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,279
I like to do things my way.
445
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,515
This family already
has one momma.
446
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:49,516
We don't need two.
447
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:52,052
Okay.
448
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,121
I'll go.
449
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:56,423
But Ma, I didn't
mean it like that.
Uh-uh, no, no.
450
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,063
Hey, Chantal.
451
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:05,465
Can I ask you a question?
452
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,734
Yeah.
How come you don't like me?
453
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,469
I don't know.
454
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:10,703
I just don't.
455
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,539
It's got to be something.
456
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:13,773
Do you think I'm ugly?
457
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,508
No.
458
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,077
Do you think
I'm dumb?
459
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,078
No.
460
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,179
Then what is it?
461
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:20,380
Just tell me the truth.
462
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:26,786
You're too tall.
463
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,455
Never stopped Danny DeVito.
464
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,494
Hello.
465
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,163
Are you stalking me?
466
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,597
(chuckling):
No.
467
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:41,768
I just dropped by Mr. Omar's
for a moment to say hello.
468
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:44,037
(laughing):
Oh, I'm sorry.
469
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:45,138
Um...
470
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:49,142
I'm sorry about what
happened last night.
471
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:53,580
I didn't know that you had
no idea I was coming.
472
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:56,283
My daughter did
the same thing to me.
473
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,151
Where do they get
off doing that?
474
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,588
If I wanted to meet
someone, I would.
475
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,290
I-I... I know.
476
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,592
My daughter had
so many women coming through
477
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,694
it was like
a Miss America Pageant.
478
00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:09,129
(laughs)
479
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,298
She thinks
she's protecting me.
480
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,299
I just wish
481
00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:13,800
she would get out of my house.
482
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:15,302
(laughs)
483
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,837
The only way I can get
my son out of the house
484
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,806
is to put dinner on the stoop.
485
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,776
I'm so sorry
I was rude.
486
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,812
I was just caught off guard.
487
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,714
Ah, don't worry
about it.
488
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,350
It was just nice to meet you.
489
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,153
Well, very nice
meeting you, too.
490
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:35,088
Uh, Maxine.
491
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:38,358
Would you mind if we had
a cup of coffee sometime?
492
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,859
Coffee?
493
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,494
I guess.
494
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:42,562
How about now?
495
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:46,133
Oh, well, that
would be nice.
496
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,637
Don't try
anything funny.
497
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:54,341
I have mace and a whistle
in my purse.
498
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,875
He's got a gun.
499
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,478
Do you know what
you've started?
500
00:17:58,511 --> 00:17:59,346
What?
501
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,148
Every kid in this
school is swearing
502
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,349
like a drunken sailor.
503
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:03,183
It's out of control.
504
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:04,684
Well, I told them
not to tell anybody.
505
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:05,652
You told everybody.
506
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,121
It's not like I said it
in class or anything.
507
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,490
Didn't mean
somebody else didn't.
508
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,492
Young man...
509
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:16,196
I want a word with you.
510
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:18,665
In fact, I want
seven words with you.
511
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,201
Number one had hit the fan.
512
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,835
Suspended?
513
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:24,337
For talking in class?
514
00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:25,872
What did you say?
515
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:26,939
Well, it's a routine called
516
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:29,376
"The Seven Words You Can
Never Say On Television."
517
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,444
Well, what are they?
I can't say them.
518
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,679
We're on television, woman!
519
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,347
Didn't you hear
the name of the bit?
520
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:35,648
Boy, what are these words?
521
00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,150
Write them down.
522
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:39,752
When I was writing
these words down,
523
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,389
I realized they were
more silly than dirty.
524
00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:47,227
You said this?!
525
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,662
Look at this.
526
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:50,930
I never even say this.
527
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,166
Why would you
say this?!
528
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,534
I was trying to be funny.
529
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,837
Oh, you're gonna feel
mighty funny when I beat the...
530
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,839
number one out of you.
531
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,175
Look, they're the seven words
you can't say on TV.
532
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:03,376
Where does it say
you can say 'em
533
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:04,911
in school?
And why would you think
534
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,779
that something like this
is funny anyway?
535
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,182
It's no worse than Redd Foxx.
536
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,218
Where did you hear Redd Foxx?
Here.
537
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,452
What do you mean "here"?
538
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:13,686
A few nights ago,
539
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,423
y'all were playing the records
and I heard it.
540
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,825
Some parents would blame
themselves-- not mine.
541
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:19,959
Who is this anyway?
542
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,328
George Carlin.
543
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:22,829
George Carlin from Car Wash?
544
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:23,863
Yeah.
545
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:26,233
No wonder his part
in that movie was so small.
546
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,501
If he'd have said anything else,
they wouldn't have been able
547
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:30,270
to put it out.
548
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:31,271
I'm sorry.
549
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,672
Mm-mm-mm.
Chris,
550
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,574
if you're interested in comedy,
that's fine,
551
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,443
but some things are
not appropriate for your age.
552
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:37,877
Just because we listen
to Redd Foxx
553
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,045
don't mean you're supposed to.
554
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,581
There's a reason why we
waited for you to go upstairs
555
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,250
and fall asleep.
556
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,285
You can't understand
comedy like this.
557
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,786
I understood it.
558
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:48,621
You understood which one?
559
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:49,856
All of them.
560
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:52,325
The one about the lady
with the funny lips?
561
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:53,326
Yeah.
562
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,794
The one about making sandwiches?
563
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:55,795
Yeah.
564
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,364
The one about
the black sheep?
565
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:58,365
Yeah.
566
00:19:58,398 --> 00:19:59,799
The one about the Fukawi Indian?
567
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:00,667
(laughing):
Yeah.
568
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,369
Boy, where did you
learn all of this?
569
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,936
I don't know;
I just picked it up.
570
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:08,241
Chris, look, the point is:
this is not comedy for children.
571
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:10,810
Next time I find out you're
telling these type of jokes,
572
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,479
you're gonna get
more than suspended.
573
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:13,946
You done?
574
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,382
Yeah, why?
575
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,450
'Cause as far as
I'm concerned,
576
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:19,852
this time is
next time.
577
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,556
Number three...!
* Everybody hates Chris.
578
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,326
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
579
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:35,368
* Oh... make it funky now!
37461
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