Original subtitles

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Go crazy go wild and welcome to the stage the one and only Carl Barron

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

How ya goin?

Yeah Brisbane whoo!

We've found the dickhead didn't take long did it

Five seconds I'm up here Carl!

Sorry the show started late not my fault.

I was out there going come on let's start

Then I thought Carl if you walk out there it will probably start

It's good to be in Brisbane I was in New York a little while ago

Hit the big time. Now I'm in Brisbane.

I'm goin next Ipswich

Be back in Mum's loungeroom soon

Bloody hot up here I know it's not even Summer

You probably don't think it's hot

The locals never think it's hot only the visitors

I said to this bloke mate it's hot and he said oh

This isn't hot

Mate I'm sweating what is that rain is it?

He says you haven't seen hot

I said no one's seen it.

You can't see it you dickhead

I like hot places I went up to Townsville to see my aunty Roxy

She likes getting into the beers up there

That's where all the cyclones and shit are

She doesn't care she's grown up in those cyclones

When there's a cyclone she just gets pissed

She's off her face

My mum gets worried cause it's her sister

just before that big cyclone hit a few years ago

She went text your aunty Roxy and see if she's alright

I texted her she sent me back a picture of herself

no

The picture sitting in a lawn chair with a beer in her hand tied to the fridge

Oh yeah she's shitting herself have a look at that

I'm not making fun of the cyclone that happened

It was terrible what happened to those people up there

Not just them the rest of us

$10 one banana

Felt like such a tight arse at the fruit shop

G'day mate just the two bananas thanks

$15 augh

I'm just going to put one back

That's where one of our Miss Universe entrants comes from years ago Townsville

I forget her name

The other girl who won it Jennifer Hawkins she comes from Newcastle

There's a bit of a theme

The biggest spunk rats we've got come from these real yabo towns

Townsville hello

I mean you go back from miss universe to the national and the state

and you go back to the regionals and they come from somewhere like Townsville

Here comes miss Townsville

Accepting the prize with a keg on her shoulder

How are ya

Doesn't sound very exotic miss Townsville

It's like saying please welcome to the stage Miss Gympie

Runner up Miss Inala

Smash yer face in

Yeah I've done my homework I know where the shitboxes are

Doesn't matter where I go New York Gympie

It all looks the same

There's a guitar a chair

I said look do you have a rock and roll kind of chair?

Look at that

a bingo chair

Kick it over later

That's the other chair I mean look at it it's a business chair

I've got a magical arsehole

Buzz Jenny could you bring those forms in for me please?

Imagine if I sat there all night and did nothing

You'd be pissed off

I reckon there would be two art students out there going that was fantastic

That was cutting edge

Come over here and give it to me Geoffrey

Don't freak out I can't see a thing

I know you sit up the front

You know I'm looking at someone right in the eye I can't see them

And they think it's personal they go

Carl during the show he was looking at me we had a connection

No connection

All I can hear is laughter it's great

Laughter in the darkness

Cause I don't want to see where the laughter comes from exactly

I don't want to see which laugh which head it comes out of

Some people when they laugh their laugh doesn't match their head

Imagine being really posh and having a dicky laugh

That is very funny Geoffrey he he he

Or being a real yabo with a posh laugh

Ah stupid dickhead fell over ha ha ha

There's no dancing tonight by the way

Sorry not my rules

There's a sign in the dressing room says the performer is not to encourage dancing in the aisles

I thought that's always something you see at a comedy night

Steven that was a wonderful joke

Went dancing the other night went to this gay club

Ha ha ha what are you laughing at?

Just wanted to try something different

I mean I didn't try anything different

Gay guys like me I'm hot for gay guys

I don't know what it is probably cause I'm a bloke but

I don't care what people are a compliment is a compliment I just take what I can get

I'm just standing with my mates having a drink

A gay guy walked up he was really confident

Hi

G'day

He goes I don't know what you're doing but I like it

Mate I don't know what I'm doing but I'm gonna stop it

We flew the other day in one of those shitbox planes

You know those little ten seaters?

It was moving around like that everyone was trying to be cool

Holy fuck

Poor hostie walking down the aisle tea or coffee?

Tea and shit was going everywhere

Then captain smart arse came on

G'day ladies and gentlemen (groan)

What's with the groan at the end?

What are you doing a big nugget up the front are you?

(groan)

Know what he said? When you're seated would you please keep your seatbelts on

in case there is any unexpected turbulence

Unexpected turbulence in the sky in a plane it's unexpected is it?

What they've never come across it before?

Are they surprised?

What was that?

Turbulence Bull shit

That was unexpected

I'd love to be on a proper jet one day

I watched this programme jets go that fast that they move faster than their own sound

so you see the jet then you hear the noise

Imagine moving faster than your own sound

That'd be like talking to your mates he suddenly disappears

Couple of seconds later you hear anyway I'm going to get going

I flew the day after 9/11 years ago in a plane

everyone was a bit worried

but it was full of Aussies

One thing I know about Aussies is they don't give a shit about stuff

Aussies are so understated like a volcano could erupt

in the middle of Queen Street and someone would go

It's a bit hot

The day after 9/11 I'm in the plane

there was a storm and lightening hit the plane

I don't know if you've ever experienced that

it doesn't do anything to the plane but it makes a massive bang

Sounds exactly like a bomb

We're on the plane we all hear this

BOOM!

Everybody just went ahhh

I looked out the wing's on fire

The bloke next to me looks at the wing looks at me and goes

that doesn't look good

You reckon?

Fucking wing is on fire

That's pretty shit in my books

I mean of all the things you don't want to be on fire

Wings would be number one

Captain's face number two

Anyway I made it to the wonderful Lyric Theatre

If my Mother was here she wouldn't be here

because she doesn't like coming to live shows

she likes watching me on TV

To this day if I go on TV she rings me up the next day and tells me about it

Like I had nothing to do with it

You were on TV last night

I said I know I was there

If I'm in the paper she'll ring up. She gets excited about anything

She rang up one day

Carl

She's a transvestite

You were in the paper

I said what for? She said are you ready?

I said yeah.

You were a crossword question

Then she hangs up and that's it

She loves it any of it

I was on who wants to be a millionaire one night

not a contestant I was a question

Mum taped it

Went home and she said sit down and watch this

Eddie had the bloke down to 50/50

he didn't look too bright There's two possible answers

This was the question

Who won the 1984 hundred metre Olympic sprint

Was it Carl Lewis

Or Carl Barron?

He's thinking about it the dickhead

I don't care if people know me I prefer they don't

I got in a cab when I was in Adelaide doing a show

And the cab driver was a big angry

You know those people who angry but try to be friendly?

Yeah mate how you goin?

I said g'day. He said where to?

I said Thebarton Theatre. He said what's going on down there tonight?

I said a show. He said what kind of bloody show?

I said a comedy show. He said aw a bit of laughter ha ha

He said who's in it? I said me

He said yeah, should I know you?

I said I don't know do you do crosswords?

And when you play the theatre

People write stuff. I might get reviewed tomorrow when someone sits there

When I first started I used to read it and some people said some bad things

and I used to feel bad

Now when someone says something bad about me

I just think they secretly like me

You know reverse psychology? When someone hates you that much you think they like me

Remember at school? A girl would go I hate you Carl Barron

Sure you do.

Pull your pants down

I don't get very artistic reviews but I don't care

I'll take whatever I can get you know?

You never hear things like your stuff's very philosophical Carl

It's very multi-levelled

You know what I got one day?

First time I saw you on TV Carl I laughed and farted at the same time

Thank you

Well done. What the laugh came out the same time as the fart did.

Two bits of air going the opposite direction

You'd spin around like a Chinese cracker wheel

Some people like you some people don't

That's the way life is

Some people have got a sense of humour some don't

I'm always trying to crack a joke with people in shops, I've got a straight face

I went in a fruit shop today I was in a playful mood

I walked in and said can I have three apples? And the bloke said

Is that the lot? I said nah there's heaps left

I got lost in Hobart so I went and asked directions at a shop

and the bloke couldn't speak English very well

and I mumble so we're having trouble connecting

You know when you ask someone a question

and the answer you get you think that's not the answer to my question

I don't know what he heard but that's not right

All I said was is the city that way or is it that way and he said

Oh not me

Right oh

It's got something to do with shops you know

I went and got some Indian food the other day I love Indian food

Especially papadums I love papadums

I mean it's a bit cruel to rip the arms off a puppet but

You know when you order takeaways you've gotta wait

Can I have that? He says 10 minute wait

I said come on

you have a big pot of this shit out the back give it here

you have to wait at that table up the front of the restaurant by yourself

All the other people are eating and sort of looking at you

Captain No Mates

What are you looking at there's people at home

I read the back of the menu I was that bored

You should read the back of the menu there's some fine print you might be interested in

Prices subject to change without notice

Without notice that's a bit random

How much for a curry?

$10.50

$11.50

$12.50 Fuck stop stop

Here's $12.50

$20 now

What no notice at all?

I wasn't even hungry I was just bored cause I eat when I'm bored

I got my hair cut the other day

Oh yeah come on ha ha ha there's nothing up there Carl

You know when you're going bald it's like you're not allowed to talk about hair anymore

Mates of mine get the shits get a hair cut what for there's nothing up there!

Like they're angry

Aw like 6 hairs must take like 10 seconds to cut it ha ha ha

What's the shampoo for Carl wash your pubes ha ha ha

Yes.

Go in there and the bloke is like what are we doin today?

I said what do you suggest?

Just a number one clipper thank you that's all I can have

Don't make out like there's all these options I really don't have

You know can you wax it into a point? Do that

I love that machine on my head bzzzzzzzzzzz

And they don't do it in one go they stop half way through with their little pansy brush and

Did you go out on the weekend?

I went to a new bloke he didn't have the brush and he blew it off phhhhhhhbt

Grown man blowing on the back of my neck ppphhhhhhhbt

Little man lips pppppphhhhhhhttt

Luckily I wasn't there for a Brazilian pppphhhhht

Don't blow down there arsehole

Use the brush it tickles

Imagine if they did that when you went for a wax one two three

Burnt a bit there

You know I don't like being bald

You know you're supposed to love yourself the way you are

Who does? Everyone secretly hates themselves

I made a list the other day of all the things I don't like about my body

Number I was bald I don't like being bald

Short. I thought I was medium

I've lived my life like I was medium

I never measured myself I just always thought I was about 5 foot 10

People go how tall are you I'd go 510

Really? Must be a short 5 foot 10

I'd say yeah it's one of the shorter ones

Short bald line up ladies

If you hear a women and she's met a man and he's tall that'd be one of the first thing she says

What's he like? Oh he's tall

Never hear a girl go oh he's short got wing nuts looks like a monkey

Short bald got no arse

I look like a fetus

Oh you don't have to laugh so hard

It's true I know

That's what Rodney Rude said about me on TV

Rodney Rude was being interviewed and someone said who's one of your favourite comedians

Rodney went Carl Barron

Why is that? Looks like a fetus

Fuck you Rodney

Oh yeah you're attractive mmm hmm

My head's too big for my body

I look like a Chupa Chup

Do you ever look in the mirror naked and think thank fuck for clothes

I ate because I was bored and I got my hair cut cause I was bored

I mean I'm always bored I know you're not supposed to be but I am

I can't help it it just happens (laugh from audience) HA HA

Well you try living in my head

I can't remember a day I wasn't bored

I think I was born bored

I think I come out and went aw this is fucked

Don't cut the cord I'm going back

I mean the worst thing you could do when you were a kid is tell Dad you were bored big mistake

He'd always give you something to do

Oh you're bored are ya? Well go and rake the leaves

I was bored I fixed it now Dad

Me and my brother were always raking shit

Go and rake that pile of leaves and tell me when you're finished

How about we don't rake them and tell you nothin?

I hated raking

Every Sunday Dad would mow me and my brother had to rake behind him

Cause tight arse didn't have a grass catcher

Vrrr Let's go we're behind him

Even before I knew what a grass catcher was

I thought surely something fucking goes on the back of that

Couldn't even find my brother he's completely green

You'd just hear him I'm itchy!

Dad just made you rake to get you out of the house

He hated you sort of hanging around the house

Piss off outside will you

Go and play on the road for a couple of hours

He'd send you down the shop that's how he'd get rid of you

If you got the order wrong at the shop he'd threaten to throw you out of the house

Go and get the bread milk and butter and don't forget the bread

If you forget the bread keep going

Fuck

Bread Bread Bread Bread Bread Bread Bread Bread Bread

Hello can I have some bread thank you

Where's the milk and butter?

Bread

And don't tell Mum you were bored

Mum got the shits if you said you were bored

Mum thought a kid had no right to be bored

She said what's wrong with you?

I said I'm bored she said you are not

I said excuse me I am

What have you got to be bored about? I said nothin that's why I'm bored

You've got worms Carl

That was Mum's answer to everything worms

I'm hungry You've got worms

My bum's itchy You've got worms

If she didn't know what to say she'd say worms

How are you? Worms

Watching TV we had to sit still when we were watching TV weren't allowed to move

And I couldn't sit still cause I had last year's undies on this year's bum

Mum says Carl I said what? She said sit still I said I can't

What is wrong with you? I've got worms

They're eating my arse hole

Is the hole getting bigger? Look at it

Worms friggin worms you know? I'm surprised I didn't starve to death as a kid

Mum never believed you when you said you were hungry

I'm hungry she says oh you are not

I fucking am

I'm hungry

She'd go how can you be hungry?

I said don't eat any food

You just ate I said I know

Well how can you be hungry? I said it's a miracle

You just think you're hungry Carl

Yeah there's a good reason for that

Cause I'm hungry

Aw you've got worms

I said I wish I did I'd eat those fucking worms

I would

So she didn't believe me and Dad just kept sending me down to the shop

My old man had no shame he'd send me to the shop for anything

He used to make me go and buy Mum pads

I didn't really know what they were I was 10

He didn't call them pads he had his own name

He called them Whopper Stoppers

Go and buy your Mum a packet of Whopper Stoppers

What are they? You'll figure it out

Ask the bloke at the shop

A 10 year old in Wollies looking for a sign that said Whopper Stopper

Can I help you son? Have you got any Whopper Stoppers?

What? Whopper Stoppers.

What are they?

I don't know they're like these big puffy hankies

I think you shove them up your arse

So all the worms don't fall out I don't know

He said well who are they for? I said Mum

Mum? Oh Whopper Stoppers

You seen the size of those things?

Fuck me dead

It's like a bag of cement

I get my brother to come with me let's get this shit back to the house

We pass it kick it head butt it

Whopper Stoppers I don't know anyone else who has names for things like that like my old man

He used to make shit up

He's the only bloke who could go mad at me and make me laugh at the same time

Comb your hair it looks like a bloody half sucked mango

I'm in trouble but I feel hungry

I could do the same

I could piss him off and impress him at the same time

At the dinner table he'd go

Carl you've got tomato sauce on the back of your shirt

I don't know how you've done it but well done son

Sometimes when he got a bit angry he got a bit kinky

Do you want my toe up your arse?

Pardon? Do you want my toe up your arse?

No thank you

Just a normal flogging will do Dad

Please don't stick your toe up my bum

There's worms up there

Oh we used to get it

In my day when I was a kid

I'm not saying it was good everyone got flogged

You know it was normal

Now you don't flog kids cause it hurts them

Damages their souls

Everyone all my mates we'd go to school the teachers would flog you

You go home your old man would flog you

You go in your room and flog yourself

I mean it was weird if we met someone who hadn't been flogged you know?

I remember one kid one day went I've never been hit by my parents

We think woah you're going to grow up fucked in the head

Cause me and my brother Troy we were

you know

any chance for a bit of a

My old man was very good at belting us cause he could go through the room

clean us both up keep walking

Leave we never saw him come or go

His favourite demolition trick was to walk through bang your heads together

That was a spin out in the middle of a fight

Piss off Shut up BAM

Holy Fuck

I'm stoned

I look at my brother he's like that

I said what happened? He said I don't know I blacked out

Who was it? I'm not sure

Couldn't of been Dad he's over there reading the paper

Troy and I fought about the same thing every time

Whose the smartest whose the toughest whose better looking

Dad was the adjudicator

You've got the brains Carl Troy's got the looks

Oh great

What've you got?

The belt

Good choice

He is better looking my brother. Troy.

We're all brown we don't know what we are. We're something

We lost the records you know? We're just brown

My brother Troy blonde hair and blue eyes

Even as a kid I was sus

I said Mum what's with the Swedish tennis player over there?

She'd always go that's the milkman

Everyone including Dad would go ha ha ha ha

What are we laughing at? Mum's rooting the milkman

And we're still putting the money out

50 cents a root Mum put your price up

I go what about me she goes You're the baker ha ha ha

How many blokes is she doing?

I said more to the point if the milkman and the baker are coming here

how come I'm still going to the shop?

So I'll give Troy that he's better looking you know but he's crazy

He doesn't say much and what he does say is shit

He's a weirdo he used to say like What or Shut Up or What's Wrong With That?

I caught him in the backyard one day when he was young eating ants

You ever seen a kid eating live ants?

I said freak what are you doing?

Shut Up

Were you eating those ants?

What's Wrong With That?

Right oh leave that

The difference between he and I he'd see an ant and put it into his gob

If I saw an ant like on the dinner plate I was a bit of a cream puff kid

Cause when we ate you weren't allowed to talk you had to shut up and eat

and if you stopped eating and started looking at your food

Mum's like what are you doing?

There's an ant

Where?

Aw she's angry like I put it there

I said there

Where?

I said theeere

Just take it off the plate what's wrong with you?

I had to secretly take it off the plate cause Troy's next to me going huh huh huh

Put it in my mouth

Dad would give you shit he's like don't worry about the ant the ant won't kill ya

I said I'm not worried about the ant I'm more worried about this nutcase

Who eats the ants

It was weird I found this big knife under his pillow once

It was like that long and sharp and he was only about 10

It wasn't so much the knife that bothered me it was just his reason for it

I said hey Sven?

What's the for? He goes just in case

In case of what? He goes you never know

I said never know what? He said I don't know

I'm like how many ants have you had today?

50

I know I'm smarter than him

He'll tell you the opposite and that's just the way it is

But this thing happened when I was young when I knew I was a bit smarter than Troy

And he might be smarter than me who knows who cares

We used to play rugby league after school in our backyard and we loved it

Except for one shit thing

Our backyard was shaped like an I a skinny L

So if you scored a runaway try you have to score like this And he's away!

You'd always get tackled on the bend

It's a true story right one on one rugby league

Troy's on one team I'm on the other

We're both captains

I got the ball he's running towards me

I throw a dummy pass

He goes for it

I go what are you doing? He goes I thought you were gonna pass it

Mate there's no one on my team!

Oh yeah ha ha

Man you've gotta lay off the ants

I feel bad about some of the things I did to the kid cause I just wanted him to talk more

and I invented games to make people talk

Like at the dinner table I invented this game I called it the pepper game

Harmless pepper game

Troy's there I'm here Dad would leave the room I get some pepper in my hand

I'd say Troy he'd go what?

Phhhhhbt!

What was that oh fuck! Ah it's burning you cockhead what was it?

I can't see help me is anyone there?

I'm sorry fuckhead shut up

Help me!

Dad would come in and go what happened?

I said I think he bit his tongue

It doesn't look like his tongue Carl

What did you do?

I said nothing. What did you do?

It's only when you say it out loud that you realise how sick it is

Well.

I took some pepper not all of it

I put it in my hand

And blew it into his eyeballs

Why?

Season them

What is wrong with you?

I've got worms

Time for a bit of bloody fluid champion

Eh the bloody Aw Jesus

(Drunken) Steve come over bloody big bag of prawns see the size of em

look at as his fricken arm vroom stuck in Aw fuckin mud catcher like that massive

This is good because when I was in New York no one was laughing

Most of the years I've been doing it most people kind of laugh

But when suddenly no one laughs it kind of makes me laugh

I'm thinking wow this is shit

I'm dying

It's not that hard everyone thinks it's really hard up here

You know you can say the weirdest thing up here

there's always at least one nutcase out there who laughs

About 40 then

52

89

140

112

89

160

250

212

300

289

186

150

142

130

48

84

456

My question is what the Hell are you laughing at?

Some bloke counting on stage

Every night something weird happens you know

Every night I do a show there's always some factor

Like one night in Bundaberg I did a show

All those yabos up there

After the show this bloke walked up to me. I thought he was gonna hit me

He was a little fella he was shorter than me

He was about 5' 9"?

He walked up to me like this I'm not joking

Pulled out $10 and went take it

I said what for? He says top show Carl take it

I said $10 bucks You tip me like some shit stripper

Don't worry about it then

That's how he walked

You couldn't be a tough guy with a walk like that

Yeah? You wanna take this shit outside champion? Come on

I'm not a fighter

Look at me

9 stone whatever I am

I've tried to be tough in my life when I was young

I'd be like yeah? Doesn't work for me

Being tough. You know bluffing. Yeah?

I tried it. You know you ever bluff someone

and they come back with a bigger bluff and you've gotta pull out?

This bloke one night in Melbourne he wouldn't shut up down the front

Talking away. I said mate if you don't stop talking

He went yeah what?

I said then I'm just gonna be aware of it

The only time I've been close to a fight was doing this in Moree NSW

Heh people know it whoo

It's like Gympie I don't know what it's like

It's when I first started there's like 15 people at this club

The venue manager's very excited

He goes aw it's a top night Carl

I said yeah? 15? Really?

He goes aw no we'll bunch em together look good

15 people down the front and there was one foghorn

Blind (drunken) HEY WOOO LET'S GET SOME CHINESE FOOD

GET STUCK INTO THE LOUNGEROOM WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT? WOOO

He smoking that little durry you know with his fingers

He wouldn't shut up I said mate do you wanna go outside and have a bit of a chat?

He got the shits he was that drunk he stood up

He had one of those stares that don't go anywhere

He said I'll come and stick your head up your arse

I said mate you're gonna have trouble look at the size of it

I wasn't ready for it but he jumped up on stage

He just stood there right in front of me and I just froze

Then the bouncer ran across and crash tackled him

When I saw they had him in a headlock

I leant over and went yeah? Come on!

Get rid of him

Smash your face in next time

Guys who say that Smash your face in

Smash your face in

It's so dramatic I will smash your face in

It will crumple back in on itself

Like a wronged Souffle

I don't know what he was drinking but I don't think it was Milo

That's my drink Milo I love Milo

I don't even know what that shit is

It's like dirt with sugar

What the fuck is this shit?

It's like chocolate sand in a can

I used to eat it all

Dad'd get the shits cause I used to eat it all

He'd go hey garbage guts 2 spoonfuls of Milo in the milk

And I was thinking milk?

What do you do with that? That's gonna fuck the Milo up

Everyone's really healthy these days you know they watch what they eat

We used to eat shit when we were young

Milo cordial white bread

Devon mmmm

What is that? Hips and arseholes jammed in a bit of plastic

We used to inhale Mortein

Not cause we wanted to

But back when I was a kid no one cared about toxins and children

Dad used to fumigate the place with that big pump action Mortein bazooka spray

Give you a 1 second warning. Block your nose kids I'm coming through

What'd he say?

Uhhhh

We'd sit there on the lounge for about an hour like that

People would come around and go gees you got quiet kids

Dad would go no they're whacked on Mortein

Spray me again Dad I'm coming down

Whooooo

Now the world's changed you can't even spray toxins in a kid's face anymore

You can't beat the shit out of them I mean what's left?

Everyone's fussy. Everyone's really fragile now everyone's like offended and

You know I'll sue you and I'm a victim and you're a bully

I'm offended. You can go to jail for being offensive now

Everyone's offended

Excuse me everyone I'm offended

Gotta watch what you say

Don't raise your voice I'm pregnant

Your negative emotions will go into my fetus

Let's get a bit of Mortein in there Phhewww

That'll get him dancing

Then you go out eating I like to go out to eat

I mean I'll eat shit and not complain cause I just won't go back

I don't like saying excuse me there's something wrong with the

You know I just hate it

Friends who do that embarrass me

They need to know exactly how everything's cooked

Can you tell me what's in the dressing?

I need to know what's in the dressing

Cause I'm lacto pacilious fungus chungus

Shut up

Is the chicken organic? Yes the chicken's organic

It actually does yoga

Has the chicken got steroids? Everyone's paranoid about eating chickens that are full of steroids

But what about the chickens?

Been pumped full of the steroids they're buffing up and have no idea why

Fucking I'm going to fight tonight mother fucker

What are you looking at?

Fuck off

Shooting eggs like a bazooka

What are you feeding me arsehole?

Fuck off

What about the chickens

No one cares about the chickens

No one can explain to the chickens what's happening to them

It must be freaky to suddenly start buffing up

Cause no one speaks chicken they just have to figure it out themselves

Gees Steve look at your arms what you been doing?

Fuck all

I went to bed with stick arms and woke up with these guns

Excuse me mate eggs coming

Cock a doodle fucking do

What about the poor bloody chuck?

I don't know if there is such as thing as a poopoo valve

But if there is I just annihilated mine

I'm not sweating I don't know why I'm doing that

Lemonade

It's a funny name lemonade

It's like the lemons need help

Not the oranges who's going to help the oranges?

Yasou

Hello

So that's one soy latte

Imagine if you come out of the shower and there's 2,000 people there would that be freaky?

Oh God

How did you get in?

Who are you?

What do you want?

You want some of this shit do you?

Break it down mo fos

Is that in your eyes?

Sorry

Yeah

Just gotta warm my voice up. Uhhhhh

Yeah

Oh Yeah

They say that a lot in songs don't they? Yeah

Oh Yeah

They say baby a lot too

You're my baby

Oh yeah

A lot of songs have things about the rain

Always talking about the rain in songs

Went outside in the rain

With my little baby

Don't go out in the rain with a baby you dickhead

Oh yeah

You know I reckon pawpaw seeds look like prawn eyes

I was watching the news the other day this terrible thing on the news

Shocking

The bearded lady

No don't it's not funny

The bearded lady tripped over the three legged man

accidentally head butted Jo Jo the dog faced boy

It was a freak accident

I put chicken salt on chicken once

Didn't taste more like chicken

That'd be like putting more water into a glass of water

Thinking that it's going to be wetter

I put a prune into the bath the other day

I waited

It went smooth

It looked like a floating poo

I ate it

It was a prune it's not poo

Sometimes I talk to seagulls

I don't mean to it just happens

I was down the beach the other day just drinking a coffee

looking at the horizon and thinking about my life

Then the seagull appeared behind me

And without thinking I just turned around and went HELLO

The seagull just looked surprised like

What is talking to me for?

He knows I can't speak English

But somehow I've managed to think in English

You know when you're having sex with somebody

Do you ever think about someone else just to make it go quicker?

Oh what?

Oh excuse me

We've got the Brisbane church group here tonight have we?

If a woman ever says to you tell me the truth

I don't care just be honest

Don't

It's not worth it

I was in bed years ago with my girlfriend

I'm not boasting but we were getting stuck into it we were going nuts

This went on forever

we had to stop at half time and suck on some oranges

In the middle of our session

She looks up and goes Carl

Have you ever thought about someone else when you're having sex with me?

And I went

Yep

How could you?

I said multitasking

I've got a song

You listen next time you're talking to somebody

Half the things you say don't exist and they never happened

It's just kind of bullshit

But we just kind of do it to talk to each other

For instance it's like I said to a mate of mine the other day

do you like KFC?

He said yeah I do but I always feel like shit afterwards

I said doesn't that ruin the taste of the chicken in your mouth?

He said it I didn't say it

My phone rang the other day and I answered it

A mate of mine said Carl? I went yeah

He goes can you talk?

I said that's why I got the phone

So it's stuff like that

It's a song and sing along if you want but

You don't know the words so don't worry about it

And it goes exactly like this

Yeah

Never seen anybody

At a party with bells on

Never seen anybody

Around like a rissole

When it's cold outside people like to say oh it looks cold outside

Didn't know that you could see the temperature with your eyes

That's just what people like to say

Speaking their own bullshit nearly every single day

I'm just trying to connect

I'm just trying to communicate

A girl once told me she wouldn't sleep with me

If I was the last person on Earth

I said to her

If I was the last person

You wouldn't be alive to reject me

Speaking their own bullshit nearly every single day

I'm just trying to connect

I'm just trying to communicate

Break it down Biaatch

It's good to be back

A friend of mine

Invited me to a party

I told him

I wasn't sure that I was going

He said to me oh well if you're there you're there if you're not you're not

I thought to myself is there any other possible conclusion

That's just what people like to say

Speaking their own bullshit nearly every single day

I'm just trying to connect

I'm just trying to communicate

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you ladies and gentlemen thank you very much

Yeah I can feel something in the room tonight

Whooo

Ladies and gentlemen

Brothers and sisters

Babies and children

Mother Fuckers

Sometimes you have to walk through the valley of loneliness by yourself

and in the valley there's bindies

Take your thongs mother fuckers

Whooo train's comin make sure you're on the train

If you ain't on the train then you're not goin to the destination

You have to stay behind after you've already said goodbye to everyone it's embarrassing

At the party you say see you later then your lift has to go to the toilet

and you've already said see you later and just standing there ha ha

I woke up in my bed this morning

Happens every time

Out my window there was a light but it wasn't the daytime

I said what the Hell is going on?

I looked out the window and there was a bird with a torch

I said how are you holding that torch mother fucker?

Anyway don't worry about that whatever

Anyone down there?

Maybe there's no one there. Maybe it's a tape recording of people laughing

Who's down there?

Oh there's a bloke that's got a haircut like me

What's your name?

Oh yeah I'm looking up there am I?

I thought Carl was cross eyed

You'll sit in the car in a minute

Trapped fart

Get in there son

What is it? Jimmy

Jimmy Jimmy Whooo

Who are you with Jimmy?

What's her name?

Anna? Hannah

Hannah and Jimmy

Do your parents call you James?

Sometimes if you're in the shit?

James

How long are you going to stand in that poo

Are you guys married?

Are you married?

No you're very shy you don't really want to talk

Are you going to get married?

Pressure's on fuck

Hey? On the spot yeah

Actually I could kind of fuck your life up right now Jimmy

I shouldn't do that

That's terrible I mean

Hannah will get home and go

So it took a while to answer

Is that poo I can smell?

You don't mind do you? I mean my parents don't like it but

How long have you been together?

Am I looking at you now?

Year and a half? Ooh fresh pau pau

Still at that tantalising stage

Where did you meet?

Don't look at her you don't remember?

Hannah where'd you meet?

Nightclub oh yeah

How ya goin I'm Jimmy

You really move across that floor there Jimmy what's your technique?

It's fucking shit on my shoes

That's great

What's wrong with that bump into someone

Sorry let's live with each other

I've had girlfriends Jimmy

don't you worry about that

You're not over there are you

There you are

There's a lady there goin he's calling me Jimmy

I went out with a doctor once

It's no big deal but I was a roof tiler from Queensland

I was 21

I met her in London and when we come back to Australia

I was hanging around all her doctor friends and they were all posh and educated and shit

And I was going to dinner parties for the first time

Do you want to go to a dinner party Carl? I went wubababable

I'd never been to a dinner party

Up to that point in my life I'd had a smoko on two bricks

This is not a joke I didn't know until I was 21

that you don't shake a bottle of wine before you pour it

I'll never forget the look on their face when I put my thumb over the hole

They're all looking at me going what are you doing?

I said mixing it in

They said why?

I said all those chunky bits down the bottom have a look at that

They thought it was a joke

I didn't know until I was 21 that some people had a problem with the word youse

What are youse doing you know that one?

Found out the hard way

Said what are youse doing tomorrow?

They all sort of went

Some smartarse goes we're not sheep

Righto

I give up what are ya?

I knew something was wrong so I did what any self respecting bloke would do in that situation

I sat at the end of the table all by myself and got absolutely shitfaced

Started talking to myself FUCKING SHEEP HA HA HA

You know how you think you're funny when you're pissed?

Look on the menu guys the only thing that doesn't cost anything is the gluten it's free

My girlfriend is going shut up what's wrong with you?

I've got worms

We're going home say goodbye to everyone

alright see ya later ya cockheads

Get home she was spewing

You embarrassed me in front of all my friends

What when I got blind?

No the way you talk you sound like a yabo

I said so? Which bit?

When you said what are youse doing tomorrow

I said what's the mystery?

You know when I say what are youse doing tomorrow you know very well I mean

What are all of you going to do tomorrow?

She said it's not a proper word it's not in the dictionary

It's not in the dictionary

I mean that's how words end up in the dictionary

if enough people say the wrong word then they stick it in there

Everybody says it

YOUSE

Collective Noun

All of your friends

I'm still waiting for the day I open the dictionary and see the word fuck knuckle

Everybody says it put it in there

Let's change it

I reckon Telstra should change their name to Fucking Telstra

Whenever you mention Telstra someone goes

Aw fucking Telstra don't start

Imagine if that was their name

Goodmorning Fucking Telstra

How can we piss you off today?

Do what you done every other day

I mean look some people like it some people don't like it

You know I don't care I'll be dead soon

you know life's short I don't worry about it

I still say youse it wasn't my fault I was surrounded by people who said youse when I was young

Some people like you

I did this show in Melbourne one night

after the show my mate come up and said

Carl guess what? I said just tell me

He said there was a Lord at your show

I said what do you mean a Gaylord?

He said no like a proper Lord from England

Geoffrey

I was curious about the posh Lord I said did he laugh at the shit I was talking about?

He goes yeah he heard him say to his mate he likes the word cockhead

I said why?

He goes he's never heard it

He's never heard of it? He's English they made the words up what are you talking about?

He reckons he heard him say he's going to go back to England and use it

I'd love to be at that dinner party

I say Geoffrey

If you don't mind me saying so old boy you're acting like a massive cockhead

I say Brian where'd you learn that word from?

Oh some fuck knuckle in Australia

By the way what are youse doing tomorrow?

Yeah I've heard it you know

some people like it some people don't like it

Her argument was it's not proper English

I said why should we speak proper English in Australia?

We're not proper English

We're a nation of mongrels

We're the Pound

My favourite expressions are bastardised English from Australia

My favourite one I don't know if you've heard this

Sometimes in Australia at the end of a sentence there's a sexual offer

Carl it's your shout

get up the bar fuck ya

You owe me $20

$20 my arse

Do you ever find someone that attractive it makes you angry?

Oh look at her get fucked

And then you get older

you have these weird relationships when you're young and take years to recover

You get to a certain age and now I'm giving advice like to my niece about relationships

She rings me for advice about boyfriends and I don't know what to say to her

I mean she's 27 but

but she's young

She rings me and I think do I be really honest and destroy her

or do you bullshit a bit and just hope you're saying the right thing

not to damage them any more

She rang up the other day very upset

Uncle Carl I did something really bad

What have you done?

I slept with someone on the first night

I went oh high five!

I said don't worry about that we've all done that

How do you think your Mum and Dad met?

She said Mum done it? I said yeah she was a goer

She went off like a fish milkshake

One night stand comes with such baggage like it's a terrible thing you know?

I like the other name the posh name

Sex without any questions

Who wants questions when you're having sex?

I'm going on holidays to the Bahamas this year

and I'm going to have sex without any questions

I couldn't do it I'm too curious

I'd be half way through hey baby? Yes?

Do you like turtles?

Shut up and keep thrashing

She's obsessed with the one

How do I know if he's the one Uncle Carl?

You know people think there's a person created for them in the Universe

I said I don't believe that she says what do you believe?

I said I just think the person you end up with that's just the best you can do

Here's my wife the best that I could do

Not a bad effort

Probably could have done a bit better but I didn't

I was having a shocker that day

Unless you live in one of those countries where they have the arranged marriage

Imagine that lucky dip

You see your wife on the wedding day with all your relatives

and she walks around the corner for the first time

Even showing relief would seem inappropriate

And here's your wife

Oh thank God

What if you didn't like what you saw but you couldn't help but react

And here's your wife

Aw fuck

You're joking are ya?

Can we roll the barrel one more time?

Who picked that out?

I said look get a bloke you like with a brain

I said don't fall in love with muscles you know

She's 27 so all the blokes she rates they've got these hot bodies that won't last

If Uncle Carl knows anything he knows this

No matter what body you got when you're young

when you're older you look like a melted candle

Core

Everyone goes nuts about a core

Always looking at his core

Six pack

What's that six pack gonna do for you?

Tell you a story at night?

There was three bears

Arms a lot of girls I know like blokes with arms

I mean good arms

Blokes like breasts right we know that

Girls have got the equivalent in arms

I went to a party the other night with a girlfriend

and she walked in and saw this bloke and went check out that guy over there

I went what? She went arms

I said yeah but look at his fucking head

Mister Cyclops

I said they're bullshit arms he's been to the gym they don't really look like that

They look like these these are organic arms

You're with your loved because you find them attractive right

and you think they're beautiful and all that

But correct me if I'm wrong there's a point in the day

From a certain angle

It doesn't last very long it's a certain light

but you go hey baby holy fuck

What's wrong baby you sick?

It's a certain part of the house isn't it

Don't go near that window baby

That's your freak window

I didn't really know what to say to her

I said make sure you like the way he kisses

Cause you can have good sex if you're lucky

Good conversation Connection

If you don't like their lips on yours I reckon it's doomed

I'm not saying I'm the perfect kisser

I'm implying it but

It's totally different

Cause I just like people to kiss normal you know?

I know what you're thinking

What's normal Carl?

Well I'll tell you seeing as you asked

I reckon normal's not too much of anything

I reckon everything's good just not too much

Like when you kissing bit of tongue's good

Not too much

You know those people who have got way too much tongue going on

Holy fuck where's that goin?

You wanna put that lizard back in your mouth or what?

Some people are the opposite they just sit there with their mouth open doin nothing

You dead? You awake or what is that it is it?

When I pash off

What?

What are you laughing at?

I don't get why people laugh there

When I'm pashing off I'm just like fully into it and

I always kiss with my eyes shut cause it's too close it's a freak show

But I get curious and half way through I think I'm going to open my eyes and have a look around

You open your eyes and their eyes are already open

Shit how long have they been open

I gave up

I'm not giving her advice anymore

she only rang that once then didn't ring back

No matter how old she gets

parents will back me up

I've seen her in nappies right

So no matter how adult she gets she'll always be a baby to me cause I've seen her in nappies

It's like my other brother Rick he's ten years younger and about 6' 2" I don't know what happened there

I've chanted his nappy I'll always have that over him

And he's always giving it to me you know

Younger brother coming up and going hey little fella

I said mate it doesn't matter what you do or what you say

I've wiped your arse

Shut up dickhead

I remember the day it happened

Mum went down to the shop left me with Rick and Rick just exploded

I didn't know what to do I was ten I was still trying to figure out how to wipe my own arse

I just pull the nappy off and stuck a tea towel under his arse

Mum come home and aw Carl not the tea towel

I couldn't find the nappies

what did you want me to change him with the Whopper Stopper?

So just a bit when you go home tonight Jimmy

When you get into the tonguie with Hannah

Remember what I said not too much

It's like drinking that's lemonade

people think I'm drunk I'm completely sober

When I'm drunk it's weird

I'm not violent but I'm just heeey

I never got into drugs

there was no drugs around when we were young

In the 80s it was like four beers back then

it's like XXXX Fosters Carlton Draft and really hard cans

Just one lager

There were no drugs

Occasionally there was one funny guy

He's like a stoner

We never knew we were like what's wrong with that guy?

I tried LSD when I was 21

In London not on purpose it was an accident

No it was

So I went to this party in London and I had no money to take any beer

and there was a big bowl of punch and I just drank 8 glasses of punch

Before I found out it was full of LSD

So I had 8 glasses of punch with LSD in it and I didn't know I was just skulling it

And this hippy girl must of known she kind of floated over

Enjoying the punch? I said yeah it's alright

You will later

There was later I tell ya and the worst thing was

I didn't know what was happening because I had no reference point for LSD

I was like wow this party's kicking in

I knew something was wrong cause I started doing shit I don't normally do

I started this full on pash with my girlfriend going what the fuck is this?

Then I saw this bloke on fire in the loungeroom

He probably wasn't on fire he was probably smoking a cigarette

but my LSD brain said he was on fire

I couldn't figure out why no one seemed to care that this bloke was on fire

What bothered me the most was my reaction to it

I just walked past him

oh that cunt's on fire

I got my girlfriend we went home

we're in bed the wall was melting

I said baby did you leave the heater on?

She said Noooooooooooo

I looked down and no joking she had an extra eye on her forehead

Holy fuck how did I not notice that before?

I bolted to the bathroom I looked in the mirror

and I had an extra eye up there

I still didn't know I was on LSD I thought I found an eyeball

I usually lose shit when I go out drinking

I was creeping up to my flatmates they were all sleeping

and I was right close to their head

Cause they all had the extra eye

And I thought the right thing to do was to wake em up and tell them

What the fuck do you want?

Look don't freak out but you've got three eyes!

I didn't know what to do so I just took all my clothes off

I ran around the backyard in the rain trying to feel normal

Aw yeah this is working

I was watching the TV that far away

I thought my head's gonna explode

Well that'd be good get rid of the eye

All I could think about was I thought I was gonna die

And what I worried about the most was

Mum was gonna have to fly to London and recognise my dead body

She's gonna see the eye and freak out

In the morgue they pull the blanket back and she goes oh

Oh Worms

You've been a great crowd thanks for coming out guys see ya later!

Goodnight