Original subtitles

BUSINESSMEN VS ALIENS

EPISODE 10

On the topic of the team's recent deployment statistics,

results are very unsatisfactory.

In that case, please feel free to fire us any time.

Honestly, we would love to do so, but unfortunately for us,

we have been unable to locate any other Japanese citizens

with low frequency body odor such as yourselves.

Well then,

shall we discuss the implementation of improvements

concerning our labor conditions?

Exactly as you say, Ushiyama.

Thank you for your suggestion.

You are an embodiment of integrity, as a Japanese citizen and an educator.

Do you have a number for our salaries yet?

What a forward interjection.

Yeah, I said it.

Yes.

Our Cabinet Office has finally allocated funds to compensate you,

our Earth Defense Force.

Yay.

The actual amount of your pay will depend on work load

and will be allocated to you via library cards.

Why?

Eh?

Why what?

Why would you ask, "Why what?"

-Hmm? -Eh?

Um, is everything all right?

The same question goes to you.

Everything is great for me.

Variable by workload, uh-huh, variable by workload, okay, uh-huh.

But what's the deal with the library card credits?

My wish is for everyone of you

to read many more books.

Hey. Wait.

Hey...

Hello?

What was that other guy here for?

That's a good question, too, but not quite as relevant.

Library cards, huh?

What's a library card?

A card you can buy books with.

But why? Why won't we receive cash?

That's the crux.

That's the big question, Mr. I-want-you-to-read-many-books.

Then they run out, only to leave us with that nonsensical explanation.

To tell you the truth, I haven't been reading at all.

That's beside the point.

I thought I was reading a good amount.

That's not the point, either.

I was really hoping for cash.

Yup, that's it.

This is the definition of systematized oppression.

What could possibly be the reason

for paying us in library credit instead of money?

What benefit could that bring to the government?

There must be some unmentioned circumstances

for the payment to have to be in the form of library credits.

Well, that must be it.

Whatever the reason, I'll figure out a way to receive it in cash.

Ladies and gentlemen, Middle-Aged Lady Street Logic.

A SPACESHIP FOUND.

An enormous spaceship is approaching the Earth.

We'll suck it immediately. Please take action.

Enormous.

He did say enormous, didn't he?

I'm scared.

Kaorin, we already know you're a murder-mystery game maniac.

No need to act innocent anymore.

That's true. But I really am scared.

Reality is more intimidating than games, though.

Sounds like a handful.

Who wants to take care of it?

If it's a difficult task, let's all tackle it together.

That's an interesting way to look at it, let's do that.

Wait.

There is a high probability that the enemy will be strong.

It's risky to send our forces out all at once.

It could wipe us all out in one hit.

You have a point.

That's exactly right, Russian Red Rose.

Let's send one person out to scope the parameters first,

then we can make a plan which brings about the least amount of loss.

That's great logic.

We'll decide with rock, paper, scissors.

I don't want to. I always lose.

It must be your destiny.

Please don't say things like that.

All right, rock, paper, scissors.

Start with a fist, three, two, one, go.

Like I said.

He's taking a long time.

Maybe it got Mishima.

Was he killed?

Stop joking.

It's likely that he was taken while trying to negotiate.

We'll send one more person, just to observe the situation.

Yes, Russian Red Rose!

-Go, Luchini. -Yes, sir!

There's no one here. Huh?

What? Hey.

Why was he so enthusiastic to go?

Because he's a fool.

And pure.

Truly, a pure kid.

Mishima!

Hey.

Hurry up and deactivate this suction beam.

What have you done to Mishima?

He was out of line in saying that he wouldn't grant me access to Earth.

I punished him.

Is he dead?

I wonder...

Yes.

That's right.

That is the truth.

Yes, I will explain to the others. Okay.

Yes. I understand. Yes.

Perhaps they got Luchini, too.

You guys,

can I go home?

-What? -What?

How could you ask that in the middle of this crisis?

Well, I have a bit of a situation,

I punched a student earlier today because I caught him smoking.

Now the parents are angry and have come to the school.

You're going to leave us with a monster that is far more scary than the PTA?

I want to.

Really?

It's an emergency situation.

An Earth-sized emergency is staring us in the face.

I can't do it.

The risk of losing my life savings is far too scary for me to focus

on an Earth-sized emergency right now. I can't comprehend it.

Well, I can relate a little.

Okay, I got it, I'll just go take care of this, okay?

No complaints there, right?

Go, then.

Yes, sir.

What kind of an animal are you?

Have you lost it? What is that?

He's far too invested in his own make believe world.

Excuse me.

Are you underestimating us?

Sending your team in one by one.

Deactivate this suction beam at once.

Did you kill both of them?

Well, that's the question, isn't it?

They appear to be dead...

This is the result of not following my orders.

We have circumstances at our end, too. So could you be please be gone already?

Here we go.

-Huh? -What is this mockery?

It's not working.

It is a rather unpleasant odor.

Oh, wow, there's never been an opponent who could withstand this attack.

Moving on,

there's no use in killing you all.

If you deactivate this suction beam I'll spare you. How does that sound?

Is that so. But what will happen to the Earth?

We'll invade it.

That's what I feared, and that would be really inconvenient.

Of course it would be inconvenient for you.

As soon as we arrive on Earth,

we plan to eliminate every single Earthling.

That's what I thought, and that's a problem.

We are Zuga aliens.

We are the most powerful beings in space.

At the moment, the Zuga race has over 100 planets

under its domination.

I get it, you're very, very powerful. I see now.

Our mission,

is to make this entire universe

a part of our territory, and...

-Hello. -You're answering that?

Yes. Sorry.

Hello? I'm tending to that Cabinet Office mission.

Yes.

Yes. I will return immediately. Yes. Yes.

Are you done with that?

Yes, excuse me.

You were saying?

Our mission is to make this entire universe

a part of our territory and to create the Zuga Empire.

Then, we'll take this expansive abyss...

Are you paying attention?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. What were you saying?

I'm gonna kill you.

I'll kill you too.

Well, that would be very unpleasant. Okay, I'm listening.

What's your deal?

I'm dealing with a lot of drama at school.

How can you not listen to my story in this critical situation?

Absolutely. Yes.

Between this situation and that one, which one is more dire?

That is an excellent point,

but to be honest, they're both important to me.

Really?

The possibility of me killing you now and that problem are on a par for you?

Pretty much.

Wow, I really want to put an end to you.

Well, if you do kill me, the suction beam won't be deactivated.

Oh, yeah.

For real? What am I supposed to do, then?

So this afternoon at school...

I'm a full-time school teacher.

I punched a student who I caught smoking cigarettes.

It couldn't be helped.

A middle-school student smoking?

I was exercising loving corporal punishment,

and nowadays, these monster parents get all riled up

and say things like, "That teacher abused my child."

The old days were better.

During my generation, parents would come to ask the teacher

to whip their kids into shape, you know?

In my opinion, modern parents spoil their children too much.

That is why...

-Hey. -Yes?

How long do I have to listen to your ranting?

So, the parents are at the school right now

and I need to go set the record straight. There's a crazy mob at school.

Wait, wait, hear me out.

You're faced with a situation

in which the entire human race might be wiped out tonight.

You're right, you're absolutely right.

I just don't know what to do right now.

Is it really that difficult a decision?

Well, what would you do if you were me?

-Smoking, right? -Yes.

Well,

right around middle-school age

is when kids are most likely to want to smoke.

They think it'll make them look cool, because they're naive.

Well, I hear you, I understand your frustration,

but it's not like they're doing marijuana or cocaine.

This and that are completely different things.

What logic is that.

Do you hear what you're saying?

Do you understand,

how much of a hazard smoking can be to a minor?

-I apologize. -So, what would you do

if kids were found smoking on planet Zuga?

-On planet Zuga? -Yes. How would you deal with it?

-There would be physical punishment. -Yeah, physical punishment.

We would probably just finish off quickly with a beam.

You'd kill them?

If you don't make a point they won't learn.

That's really harsh. There's no point if they're dead.

Want me to shoot your student?

No, thank you. I don't want to kill anyone.

Here's what you need to understand about our planet.

Our motto is, "All or nothing."

Either don't do anything, or wipe out everything.

Those are such extremes.

Moderation is not our forte.

That's terrifying.

That's correct!

We are terrifying!

-I'll go check on my school quickly. -Wait, why?

Because I'm an educator first. I might even lose my job.

Listen to me, if you leave,

you're going to die before you lose your job.

When we arrive on your planet, you're all going to die.

How about this? I'd like to die as an educator.

Oh, that's a great line.

I'd like to die as an educator.

You've gotta be kidding me. Your priorities are completely wrong.

If I just go down on my hands and knees in front of the parents,

this will all go away.

Hey.

So, you're just going to admit that you're wrong?

Well...

Is there any other way?

You're not the one that's in the wrong!

The student who was smoking

is the person who is at fault.

Thank you for understanding.

So,

don't you dare bow your head.

Go forth and fight

with your head held high.

I'll be right back.

Hey, you're alive.

I have to step out to visit my school

and settle this corporal punishment protest.

Right now, during this crisis?

I have the kind approval of this man from the planet Zuga.

Hello, I'm the representative of the Zuga race.

Later.

Wait, what is this? Wait, what happened?

What did we miss here?

Are these two dead?

You two were discussing Ushiyama's school while these two lay dead here?

That's right.

You both have extraordinary mental faculties.

So you two are all that remain?

No, we left the boss at home base, just in case.

What, there's a boss fighter?

That's correct, they call her the Russian Red Rose.

What an auspicious name.

We can call in the boss at any moment, so you should handle us with care.

I don't care.

I'll destroy all of you including your precious boss.

Oh, no.

Prepare yourselves.

Oh, they're alive.

What happened?

I'm not sure.

What is this conundrum?

Excuse me, you shot a beam, correct?

Yeah, I did. Like this.

And then I went, "Whoa!"

Yeah.

I collapsed, correct?

Yeah, you did.

I thought I was going to die.

I thought you were dead.

Oh, so the beam doesn't kill after all.

Huh.

Um, can you guys wait for just a moment?

Actually, I feel better than usual.

Me, too. My head is really clear.

So, it looks like there are some species that aren't affected by the beam.

And you're saying that's the human race?

It does actually look to be that way.

In fact, it seems to improve your natural faculties.

What exactly does that mean?

Perhaps...

-Question. -Yes.

What is the area of parentheses x to the second power minus two,

close parentheses to the second power, plus y to the second power equals four?

Three over thirty-two?

Correct.

When a triangle is created within a sphere using the three points of angle N,

how many triangles are created which do not share tangents?

One over six N, parentheses N to the second power,

minus nine N plus two is twenty?

Correct.

I did that? Gimme another.

Name four historical figures

that catalyzed a cultural renaissance for China.

Kousei, Choshungeng, Yobungeng, Oukobun.

Correct.

Yeah. I'm so much smarter. I might get into the University of Tokyo.

That's such great news, good for you.

Thank you so much.

I don't know how to stop myself

In this day and age, there are so many...

He sang, he sang.

Luchini, you sang.

Yes, I just felt like I could.

That was good, like, really good.

Beyond that endless expanse of darkness

Oh, oh, let's reach out our hands...

This is great. I can be in a band that's not air-based now.

Good for you. Go to auditions and become part of 'Xile.

Call yourself Luchi-xile. Look, I can dance, too.

Whoa! It's just like the band. Look at him go.

Wait, wait. Beam me, too. Beam me.

You wanna do it?

What'll happen?

So for you, your wife will become amazingly gorgeous.

Oh, so I won't be improved.

But a beautiful wife is pretty cool.

You're right. Will she do more household chores?

Will she stop the physical abuse?

No, she'll just be super pretty.

Well, I guess that's pretty good. Beam me, please.

Yes, of course. Let's do it.

Hold on, me, too. Beam me, too. What will I get?

So, for you...

You'd lose 10 pounds.

Oh, my god, yes! Beam me! Beam me!

Okay, so here we go.

Beam!

So your wife is now gorgeous, and you are now 10 pounds lighter.

It's a little hard to tell, but, yay!

That's just my body type, it's hard to tell.

Zuga, you're the best. You're the man.

But here's the thing.

It says, "The effects of this beam will only last three days."

What did you just say?

Mishima will have University of Tokyo level smarts for...

Only three days?

So I'll only be good at singing for three days?

For three days, my wife will be beautiful?

I'll be fatter in three days?

It's not that bad for you. I mean, we can barely tell.

You have a point.

What universities can I apply to within three days?

None.

Can't you pull some strings, ask someone for a test tomorrow?

How would I ever do that!

I think I can take a bunch of auditions within three days.

But after three days you'll be tonedeaf as usual.

Goddamn it!

My wife will be ugly again in three days.

I would've preferred her never becoming beautiful.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't expect it to be such a burden.

Don't mess with me!

Go home to where you came from.

We're in this nightmare because of you.

Um, I'm really,

very, very sorry.

I think the two of you are being very harsh.

You know, he had good intentions to begin with.

What are you babbling about? He was trying to kill us at first.

Well, that is correct.

As a result, his intentions backfired. That's also a crime.

Take responsibility.

If we get 10 beams each then it'll last 30 days, right?

Um, no, it only works three days at a time.

What a useless piece of crap you are!

Why did you come here at all?

You two should have more compassion.

You initially came to invade Earth, right?

Yes.

Yes, yes. If you think you can then I'd like to see you try.

Why don't you grant these half-baked dreams to all of mankind,

so that every person on Earth can learn to hate you.

You hear me, you piece of crap! Show us what you got!

Otherwise shut up and go home!

Let's quiet down. That's enough, you two.

Please let me handle this. That's quite enough.

See, we don't want to see him cry. Say no more.

No,

it's fine,

I'm not crying.

People who say that will definitely cry. So that's enough.

Let him cry.

Don't say such a thing. And you, stop staring so menacingly.

Please give me a moment.

It says that there's a different kind of beam that I can use,

to kill a species that the previous beam had no effect on.

That's right, we Zuga aliens

have an alternate, stronger beam on our hands.

And that one works on humans, too?

That seems to be the case.

Take this.

No way.

You had your fun making me cry.

I don't even care about the suction beam anymore.

My patience has run out.

I'll erase you all in one sweep.

I won't let that happen.

That has no effect on me. I don't feel it at all.

All three of us together.

It's working, it's working.

Counterattack.

Shit, he's strong.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

With the power of four.

Now, the other armpit.

I can't, my odor powers are running out.

Is that all you got?

You put up a good fight.

I applaud you.

What's left? Shouldn't we call Kaorin?

-We can't. -But...

We can't let such an adorable girl die.

Even if we perish,

she will carry on the stories of our valiant battle.

Saneyoshi, I agree.

All right, here we go.

There comes a time in a man's life, when even when defeat is imminent,

he has to keep fighting.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

There's no hope left for any of you.

Prepare yourselves.

-Likewise! -Likewise!

Wait.

Goodbye now.

Agh, no! Argh!

It stinks!

That was close.

What is that, exactly?

It's a culmination of the odors from all of our defecation,

the Poop Beam Gun.

The Poop Beam Gun?

The pit odor was a friendly prologue for this monster.

He didn't stand a chance against this stench.

Where'd you get that?

There was communication from the Cabinet Office.

They said to use this for extra-tough aliens.

Tell us that in the beginning.

Shinko...

Shinko is dead.

Shinko.

Why?

From now on, we use Shinko's death as motivation,

to complete all of our missions with integrity.

That's the best way to commemorate her life...

So she was alive.

Oh, I'm alive.

I'm so glad.

What's happening?

Those guys don't actually have the power to destroy humans.

You. You've got some nerve to carry on

while thinking these two were dead by your side.

I knew they weren't gone.

How?

You could tell by their necks. There was a pulse.

Of course, a PE teacher would know.

But you thought Shinko had died.

I mean, with Shinko, you know...

It's a little hard to spot a vein?

Oh, my lord.

Huh? What is it?

Shinko?

Uh, what are doing?

What happened, Shinko?

-Like I thought... -What?

I am 10 pounds heavier.

It was a beam that made things a little bit worse.

But I can't really tell the difference.

Is that so?

But I lost 10 pounds, then gained 10 pounds

in the blink of an eye.

That's a bit much.

It's practically The DeNiro Approach.

I'm so glad I didn't receive that beam.

You couldn't get any dumber than you are right now.

Me, too.

Hello?

Yes, I can hear you, you're talking really loud.

What? What's that? Is that right?

What is it?

She says she's really gorgeous all of a sudden so I should come home.

What a bummer that alien was.

So I'm gonna head home for now.

A SPACESHIP FOUND!