Original subtitles

BUSINESSMEN VS ALIENS

EPISODE 2

I'm really sorry. Unfortunately, I can't return by tomorrow.

Yes, that's right. It's regarding the Cabinet Office role.

Yes, that's right.

I know we needed to entertain the clients on the golf course tomorrow.

Yes, I know.

Yes, I understand.

If you can't find someone else, please do contact me again.

Yes. Yes, really, yes...

I am truly sorry about this.

Thank you so much.

Is everything all right at work?

Oh, that's right.

I forgot.

I should've remembered that I had golf tomorrow.

Do you think I could have changed shifts if I had to play golf?

It still sounds terrible.

Idiot. I'm going to play golf for business.

Still, golf is golf.

You can't say golf is more important than Mishima's exams or Mr. Ushiyama's classes.

You only say that because you don't understand how important golf is.

But you're happy if you score a birdie, right?

-I sure am. -You're enjoying it then.

Really happy... You've never got a birdie in your life.

Getting a birdie is so difficult.

How many times in your life do you get excited like this?

It's only when you get a birdie. Getting a par is like this.

This is it. But a birdie...

Like this.

Have you felt like this before? I know, what was Kaorin saying?

Kaorin?

Ms. Kaori Nomiya.

Um...

Oh, you call her Kaorin?

Yeah, the guys decided on her nickname.

Wow, that's gross.

-What did Kaorin say? -She's got errands.

Do you think she can fill in for me?

Of course not.

Kaorin's errands are more important than Mr. Ushiyama's classes.

You're spoiling her so much. It pays to be young and pretty.

It's not possible, huh?

You really wanna go to golf, huh?

-I just got a new driver! -No one is going to fill in for you.

I really wanna go... I also have to call my wife.

I'll text her, so please don't check my screen.

Oh, my god, it's my wife calling.

Hello? I was going to text you just now.

Can you keep your voice down? You're a bit loud.

I was going to call... I mean, text you.

No, I mean... Keep your voice down.

Everyone's looking at me...

Sounds like she's the one wearing the pants in their relationship.

Office and family... Must be hard having both.

Definitely not for me.

Oh.

Hello? What's up.

Eh?

Tonight? You got tickets?

Of course I'll come! I had given up hope on getting tickets.

I'm a bit far away at the moment but I can be there in a flash.

-I'm coming right away. -Hey, Shinko.

I've got tickets to the Exile concert at the Tokyo Dome.

Yes!

You can't go.

There's two of you so it's fine. You'll defeat any aliens easily.

The Cabinet Office people said we needed at least three people at all times.

These are tickets that were impossible to get.

Can you assure me that I will get tickets for their next concert?

No, I can't.

If you're not part of Exile management,

you can't stop me from going to this concert.

Do you understand?

-I'm not from their management... -Then you can't stop me.

Don't worry. I'll be back when the concert is over

and after I have drinks with my friends and talk about the concert.

If you go for drinks after the concert, you'll never come back...

All right. I'll go and talk to them.

I'll come back home. I can't tell them the truth.

I can't tell them, "I need to take my child to soccer practice."

They'll never take that as a valid reason. I can't do it.

Okay, I'll do it. Stop raising your voice like that.

All right, I'll come home. I'll make up some excuse and come home.

I'm really sorry, guys.

"Sorry.

"I forgot

"that our band had a gig tonight.

"I thought it was tomorrow.

"I'll come back after the gig.

"Oh, and..."

Can't read his writing...

"Shinko suddenly got tickets to an Exile concert,

"so she's gone to Tokyo Dome.

"Good luck. From Luchini."

You have got to be kidding.

A SPACESHIP FOUND!

A spaceship is detected above the moon. Prepare for negotiation.

No way. Not when I'm all alone.

No, really. I haven't gone crazy.

My job is to negotiate with aliens.

It's the truth. You need to believe me. Yeah, it's right here in front of me.

This alien is a red one. Looks a bit like a sea cucumber.

It's not a joke, don't laugh.

I'm being serious. It looks like a sea cucumber.

I seriously need to negotiate with them.

I know, I know. You don't have to tell me again.

I'll finish and come home.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

So, you're an alien?

From my point of view, you're the alien.

Everyone says that.

So, why are you going to the Earth?

Um... To invade... To invade.

Oh, I figured. Which planet are you from?

-Planet Gouda. -Oh, Planet Gouda.

So, what's your planet called?

I told you already. Earth.

-Earth? -Earth.

-Earth. -Earth.

-Earth. -Earth.

-Weird name. -Yes, weird.

Yes, thank you very much.

So to finish off, can I presume that you are not going to invade the Earth?

What? Why?

What do you mean, why? We don't want you to.

Hey.

Wait a minute, man.

-Wait a minute. -Oh, no.

Come on, wait a minute. I've come all this way.

It took a long time to get here.

Of course I'm going to invade.

You're going to invade. Okay...

What is wrong with Planet Gouda?

There's too many of us on the planet.

So, Planet Gouda is overflowing with people like you?

Yes. Is there an issue?

Popular ramen places have people like you lining up out front?

Yes, lots of us. Totally.

On New Years Day, are there hundreds of people like you

lining up in temples to say your prayers?

Temples? What?

Temples.

I don't know about temples, but crowds on New Years are massive.

So many people. Terrible.

-Crowds of people, like you? -Yes, like me.

Lots of people, like you? On New Years?

Hey.

-Hey. -What's your problem?

Violence.

You keep saying "people like you," over and over.

Like I'm grossing you out or something.

It's because I am grossed out by you.

That hurts...

That hurts... Wait.

We're at the negotiation table.

It's quite soft so doesn't hurt that much.

It doesn't really hurt.

Hey, I'll tell you something.

Why are you in a bad mood?

I'm a bit annoyed because you hit me.

Sorry.

That's okay. Don't do it again.

You look much grosser than me.

All right, I'm the gross one. Whatever.

Okay, your planet is overpopulated...

The Earth's population density is quite high as well.

No problem. We'll kill off every living thing on the Earth.

No, that sounds so scary. Seriously scary.

Excuse me, sorry.

-Really sorry. -We're in the middle of a conversation.

I'm really sorry.

Hello? I'm talking to the alien now.

Don't say you don't care.

Soccer practice? Can't you do it yourself today?

It's snowing? Really? That much?

This alien here, he's telling me that he's going to invade the Earth.

You don't care? Don't raise your voice. He might hear you.

He's dead serious.

I know, I know.

You don't have to tell me again. I'll come home.

I got it. I know, okay.

-Where were we? -Invasion.

-Can I ask for your advice? -What?

I urgently need to go back to the Earth. I'll bring someone else to take my place.

No way. There's no one else here.

I'll find someone.

I can't wait that long. I'll go invade now.

No. Don't do that. Pretty please.

Don't invade us, please. Please reconsider.

Oh. I know, I know.

I'll go back to the Earth for a short while,

then I'll be back in a flash.

In the meantime, can you relax and wait here?

There's a Space Hotel next door. I think you'll be comfortable there.

You're due for some rest after a long journey.

Hey, you.

-You, man. -Yes, I'm a man.

Why, you... Why do you need to go back?

My wife is nagging me to come back home.

Wife?

My son has soccer practice today,

and it's snowing due to the effects of a bomb cyclone.

It's now snowing quite heavily so we need to go in a car with snow tires.

I know you need some time to process this.

Wait a minute. I don't understand.

It doesn't matter.

I need to drive the snow tire car,

because the snow is bad because of the bomb cyclone.

The bomb cyclone is having a big effect on the weather...

Hey, stop. God, you talk a lot.

Aren't I more scary than a bomb cyclone?

No, no. Bomb cyclones are scary.

-It snows... -I'm more scary.

You're underestimating the effects of snow.

Even if we've got snow tires on, it's really hard to drive in the snow.

The car will slide sideways along a curb, like this.

Can't stop on a curb so you have to keep going.

Even with those special tires,

it's snowing so much you'll be finished if you stop.

The snow gets into the tires and you can't move.

It stops dead on the track, so on a slope you just can't stop.

Bomb cyclones are so scary.

It's the same in life. Once you stop, it's hard to get going again.

It's really the same as life. I don't want you to stop here.

I know this because I've driven with snow tires.

You can't stop on a slope in the snow.

The effects of the bomb cyclone are really bad.

Do you understand?

I dozed off there for a bit.

I was sleeping with my eyes open.

-Bomb cyclones are scary. -Yes, very scary.

I'll come back in a flash. I promise.

Okay.

So this is... Um...

So, our invasion plans

are being interrupted by your child's soccer practice?

That's right.

The wife...

Your wife...

Why can't your wife drive instead?

The problem is,

my wife can't drive in the snow.

My wife can't drive in the snow.

No snow her whole life, she can't handle the snow.

It's been the case since before I met her. She's going to keep it that way.

Wow...

So I'll go and drive my child to practice, and be back in a flash.

Don't ridicule me!

Hey, don't you think I'm right to be angry?

Please understand.

No. Why?

Why do our invasion plans need to be interrupted by your wife's selfishness?

I don't understand.

Wait a little while, and then you can invade the Earth.

We'd like to invade as soon as possible.

-Why are you in such a hurry? -It's an emergency for our planet too.

You're saying you don't care what happens to my family?

You're upset at me?

If I don't manage to go back today and drive my child to soccer practice,

my wife could chain lock the door so I can't get in.

Then I need to spend every night in a 24-hour restaurant across the road.

I really don't care.

Can you take responsibility for me being chain-locked out of my house?

Chain lock? Well... Chain lock...

I'm here to invade your planet, so I'm not sure about chain locks.

She's saying she'll break every single one of my treasured golf clubs.

If she's that powerful, can't she just drive the kid to practice?

I love those golf clubs.

I just bought a new one. Are you going to pay me compensation?

Are you going to compensate me or not?

I might be able to provide compensation.

They are limited edition, titanium,

Dunlop Srixon clubs. They cost me nine man yen.

I'm overloaded with terms that I've never heard of.

Do your research!

I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Can I say something?

Go on. Say it.

Um, in the first place,

can't your child give up soccer practice for today?

Is that not an option for you?

He loves soccer, so he can't skip practice.

-He wants to be like Messi. -I don't know that guy either.

Please give up on the invasion. Please give up for my son.

I'll make sure he becomes the next Messi.

But then, um...

Then you take him!

You keep nagging and nagging.

Why don't you go to the Earth and take my son to soccer practice.

Me? Me take him?

You take him.

-To soccer practice? -To soccer practice.

-Me? -Yeah.

Um...

Why me?

Because you won't shut up about it. You drive him there.

Oh, okay.

Please remember, about the Earth... I'm here to invade.

Not an invasion. Just transport right now.

Listen. Transport, not invasion.

I'm talking about transporting my son. Forget about the invasion.

-Is that so? -Yes.

-Transport? -Transport.

-Transport? -Transport.

I'm here on my boss's orders

so I can't just go back home like that.

Aah, we're not getting anywhere.

Would you listen to my story?

Okay, fair enough.

I wanna go home ASAP, so I'll listen to you. Make it quick.

As I said before, our planet's population has grown too much.

There are various plans in place to deal with this problem.

For example, high rise apartments to house the extra population.

It's a sensitive issue, and although those plans are in place,

it has been a very difficult issue to resolve.

It remains a very big challenge for us.

When we reproduce, we rear 10 babies at once.

Therefore, it is also difficult to limit reproduction.

So we decided to discuss this issue.

At this conference, various options were discussed.

Then it was decided, "Let's find somewhere else to live."

Another planet that we could live in. The decision was made.

Stop texting your wife!

What did you just say?

I said, "No, I'm not."

You weren't listening to me at all.

No, I wasn't.

Can't this sucking beam be turned off without your permission?

We'll turn it off once you promise me you give up on your invasion plans.

Oh, really...

Okay, I'll let you go. Go take your son to practice.

Really? You're such a nice person.

Stop that. I'm here to invade your planet.

Thank you so much. I'll come back in a flash.

Please make yourself comfortable.

Is there really a hotel next door?

No, that's a lie.

That was a lie?

I'll lick your nose.

I'll kindly decline the offer.

If you're going to lick something,

there's a vending machine in the cafeteria.

Full of space food you can lick and eat. Please help yourself.

Then I'll be going.

-I'll be back in a flash. -In a flash?

-Yes, I'll be back very soon. -Come back straight away.

God, he talks a lot.

I'll be there soon.

What's going on?

You're kidding, right?

I was having tea with the other teachers and suddenly I'm here.

I was studying at home for my exam tomorrow.

What were you doing, Kaorin?

I had some errands to run.

Errands?

Errands are errands. No more, no less.

Please make sure that at least three people are on duty at all times.

Saneyoshi, Shinko and Luchini were on duty today.

All of them went home.

You must be joking.

With an alien still waiting in the meeting room.

No way. That's terrible.

For God's sake.

Oh, so there are others here.

Um...

Was a businessman with a mole on his cheek here?

And a rocker and a middle-aged lady.

I did meet the businessman with a mole, but no one else.

Where did he go?

He was told by his wife to take his son to soccer practice, so he left.

Mr. Saneyoshi.

The other two are irresponsible, too.

Are you guys also Earthlings?

Yes, we are, but...

We're not supposed to be on duty today.

-What do you mean by duty? -To deal with you aliens.

Wait. Wait a minute.

So, that means I was being dealt with by the person on duty?

Yep.

Are you kidding me?

You'd think something would come out when I do this, right?

Looks like it, right?

But, in fact, nothing comes out.

Fun, huh?

What do you take me for?

I came here on an emergency mission to invade the Earth.

I don't have time with the guy "on duty."

Disable the sucking beam immediately.

-Let me invade your planet. -Calm down.

I understand your frustration.

But we're not on duty today.

You're still going on about that?

Can you two just deal with this?

What? No way. I wanna go back home, too.

Then Mr. Ushiyama, please deal with this by yourself somehow.

I have to go drinking with the other teachers today.

I'm the event organizer.

All of you. Pay attention to me.

Can I just confirm something?

Young boy there. Why are you in such a hurry?

I have an exam tomorrow.

-It's tomorrow? -Yes.

If it's tomorrow, you don't need to go now, do you?

I need to prepare, review what I've studied.

So, what's a mock exam?

An exam to test where I'm right now.

Huh, so not the real entrance exam, right?

No, it's not.

Why are you getting annoyed with me?

Listen to me. Just listen to my side of the story.

From my standpoint we urgently need to invade the Earth.

From your standpoint, it's not even the real exam.

What do you think is more important?

I don't know what he's talking about. I'm going home.

Wait, wait, wait.

It's not just a test. It's a test for Nittokomasen college.

Do you even need to take that test?

What? What do you know?

It doesn't sound very important. Probably a dumb college.

Doesn't "sound" important?

-What do you mean "sound" important? -You're right, though.

-Opi, Opi, Opi... -Don't underestimate it.

It's a so-so college nowadays.

You're saying "so-so" yourself.

Opi, Opi, Opi...

I can't let that go. Can I punch him in the face?

Stop it. Stop.

This person,

he must have endured a hard journey to invade the Earth.

Well, I have to study!

I'm going home.

Why...

Why do all Earthlings get angry at me?

That's not true.

I wanna go home, too. He's really scary.

Please don't treat me like scum. Don't treat me like scum.

I need to remind you that I'm here to invade the Earth.

Please don't invade.

I love the way you said that. So why are you in such a hurry?

I've got errands to run.

Errands. What do you mean, errands?

If it's just errands, you can deal with me first.

These are important errands.

Important errands can no longer be called just errands.

That's not for you to decide.

Really? You're running "errands" that are not so important.

He's so persistent.

I need to be persistent. The invasion depends on this.

I don't like persistent people.

Oh, um...

I probably lost my appetite for three days...

Hey, hey... Let me tell you this.

I don't care if you don't like me. I'm here to invade the Earth.

I'm not expecting to be liked when trying to invade your planet.

I'm going.

What?

Did she listen to a thing I just said? Did she listen to me at all?

I have no idea.

You're texting someone as well.

I need to let people know that I might be a little late.

"A little late"? You're still going?

I'm the event organizer.

I see. You're only thinking about the staff drinks now, right?

I've been trying not to drink anything so I can enjoy the first glass of beer.

So I'm really thirsty.

Then why don't you make yourself a cup of tea. Let's have a discussion.

No, that doesn't cut it. Beer.

I wish I could drink some delicious beer even now.

You're kidding, aren't you scared of me?

Of course I'm scared.

How about you give up on the invasion?

You say it so casually.

Sorry for taking so long.

Just let me go. Let me go invade the Earth.

After I took my son to soccer practice,

he wanted to have dinner with me.

I was like, "Why are you saying that?"

But I happily had dinner with him at Denny's.

Dinner? Similar to Messi?

-What? -You mentioned Messi before.

-No. Messi. -No.

-Messi. -No, that's the famous soccer player.

We went to Denny's for dinner.

Messi and Denny's are different, you see.

It was so much fun, I'm so happy.

I wanna destroy the Earth together with your tiny little happiness.

Aah, that's unfortunate. I can't just say, "Go right ahead."

Why are you sitting like that? Sit properly.

Properly.

-Sit, properly. -I'm sitting, I'm sitting.

He's just so adorable.

I really don't care. Just let me go invade the Earth.

Since you waited for me for such a long time,

I'd very much like to say, "Go ahead,"

but my job is to prevent that from happening.

Come on. You can't be serious.

Are you kidding me? You've left me hanging here.

I put up with all of your silly excuses.

That PE teacher that was here before,

he left so he could give a speech over staff drinks.

Oh, he must have been the event organizer.

-That can't be helped. Please understand. -No way!

Pretty please. I need you to stop invading the Earth.

Um, how do I tell you...

Not that I want to complain about my problems to you Earthlings,

but I was ordered by my superiors to come here.

Oh, your boss?

I'm the Section Chief of the Planet Invasion Department.

-Really? I'm a Section Chief as well. -Really?

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Stop attacking the face.

-Sorry. -I told you.

I've been trying to avoid them every time.

I apologize.

-How many times did you hit me? -Sorry.

I said no the last time you did.

Sorry.

Yeah, I'm a Section Chief as well.

Oh, yeah.

Last month, we invaded the neighboring planet Romeos.

We did move in, but it was such a small planet.

The population didn't really change, so what did my boss say?

"Oh, crap. No way. Then go find another one to invade."

"Another one." You think it's like a tennis ball or something?

That last bit didn't make sense to me.

Why? When you serve in tennis, you tell the ball person...

No, you don't have to explain.

What I mean is, it's not so easy.

I get you.

We warped many, many times before we reached this point.

When you warp so many times, your body gets really tired.

And I finally found the Earth,

and when I reported, "We found the Earth,"

he's like, "Oh, cool, great. Go invade, ASAP."

That's a bit harsh.

You think so too? When you invade, you have to fight a bit too,

and you Earthlings are quite powerful as well, right?

Yes, we'll never use them willingly,

but we do possess some very powerful bombs.

We are more technologically advanced, so we will end up winning anyway,

but we're bound to have some casualties.

That's highly probable.

The boss just doesn't understand that.

I agree. I know what you mean.

From what I've heard, you're also a businessman?

Yes.

As a fellow businessman, please give us the Earth.

Oh, I'd like to say, "Yes, please take it,"

but even if we gave you permission,

countries like USA and Russia are very strong.

They might defeat you

-if you decide to invade them. -No, that's not gonna happen.

I'm going to impress my boss this time. No, I want his position.

I know how you feel. I wanna be promoted, too.

Oh, but we're invading you, so you will die.

Oh, yeah. When we get invaded, I'm gonna die so I can't be promoted.

Yes, it can't be helped. We're invading, after all.

Mr. Saneyoshi.

Are you feeling sorry for him because you're in a similar position?

Shinko, are you drunk?

No, of course not.

Hey, listen. You can't get sucked in like that.

Hey, lady. Are you drunk?

-No, I'm not drunk. -Yes, you are.

-No, I'm not. -Yes, you are.

-No, I'm not drunk. -Yes, you are.

What the hell are you doing!

Who punched me in the face?

You're so drunk.

-No, I'm not. -Let me tell you...

Listen, lady.

This guy just told me that he will...

What the hell are you doing?

-I'm talking here. -I'm fixing her beanie.

He told me a minute ago,

that he gives me permission to invade the Earth.

Are you stupid?

-What? -I said, "Are you stupid?"

That's not happening.

We're not gonna give you our planet on a silver platter.

Who'd say that? Can you stop licking each other's wounds?

-Shinko, how many did you have? -Not many.

-You must have had a lot. -No, I didn't.

Please listen to me. He's in a difficult situation.

He's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Saneyoshi, snap out of it!

So drunk...

In conclusion, please go home.

-Lady, you're really drunk. -No, I'm not.

-Really drunk. -No...

-You are. -Am not.

Stop patronizing me!

You made me wait for so long.

I can't go back just like that.

Here, smell my armpits.

What is this smell?

If you don't go home quickly, you'll smell it till you die.

You were happy to make me wait

because you had this powerful weapon all along.

That's not true, I wanted to resolve it with negotiation.

What is this?

Wow, he vanished.

So it really works. Our odor really works.

I bet he's going to get blasted by his boss back on his planet.

-I feel for him... -Sorry.

I wanted to go back to drink, so...

You're going to drink some more?

I was told that your negotiations were not going so well,

so I was forcibly made to warp over here.

Going now.

You shouldn't have any more tonight.

I'm not drunk.

I'm telling you you're drunk.

-No, I'm not. -Wait.

You shouldn't have any more.

At least don't have any strong ones.

I like mine on the rocks.

"On the rocks," she says.

He got vanished because she wanted to drink some more.