Original subtitles

BUSINESSMEN VS ALIENS

EPISODE 1

What's happening? What's going on?

Thank you for your effort. You are Mr. Koji Saneyoshi, correct?

Yes.

Please wait here until you're briefed on the situation.

Wait, wait, wait. Briefed on what, exactly?

Oh.

The specifics of your work here.

Didn't someone explain it to you back on Earth?

Yes. They did,

but I was out on a sales call,

walking along Shibuya, this guy in glasses appeared and said,

"You've been chosen to be part of the Earth Defense Forces."

That's all you need to know.

Huh. Oh, no, no, no.

What does it mean to be chosen for the Earth Defense Forces?

Are you supposed to say, "Alrighty then"?

I'll never say, "Alrighty then" anyway.

I'm not the kind of guy who says, "Alrighty then."

When you're told that you're Earth Defense Forces,

you go, "Oh, um, what?"

I can't say, "Yes, sir!"

If I did say, "Yes, sir,"

it would be because I was influenced by the term Earth Defense Forces.

Oh, no, no, no! I'm so flustered right now.

I'm so confused that I'm rambling on like an idiot. Wait! Hold on a second!

Wait a minute. Is this some kind of scam?

Scam? This is an official task force run by the Japanese National Cabinet Office.

What... Where the hell am I then? Is this a movie studio? Are we filming?

Are we in a film studio? Warner Brothers?

-This is the moon. -The Moon?

Look. You can see the Earth from here.

That's not my point.

Oh, no, no, no... This isn't possible. For real?

A guy in glasses flashed some weird light beam at me

and now I'm on the moon? Impossible!

Being flashed with a weird light beam

and then being on a movie set is more believable?

Well...

If you've been flashed with a weird light beam

which do you think is more likely to be real?

Did I warp? Did I?

It's actually very easy to warp nowadays.

Of course, there are various problems related to it,

so it hasn't been disclosed to the public.

Anyway, please wait here to be briefed.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Yes?

Can I just step out for a moment? As long as I'm waiting around.

-Step out? -Yes, outside.

What would happen if I went outside?

-You would die. -Of course.

It's the moon, after all.

I still don't fully believe it, but...

Alrighty then.

Thank you very much.

Yes, sir!

Yes, sir!

I should stop joking about this.

What the hell?

I didn't think I'd get to see the Earth from the outside in my lifetime.

Hey!

You're part of the Earth Defense Forces, too?

Oh... Yes...

-You all are, too? -Yep!

Where were you?

In the cafeteria.

There's a cafeteria?

You can only get gross space food from a vending machine, though.

Hello?

-There's reception? -Yeah, I had urgent business to attend to.

It's late notice, but could you fill in for me?

Yes, I'll be there tomorrow.

Okay, thank you so much.

Everyone's a bit frazzled, having been taken all of a sudden.

Everyone needed to reschedule things.

I know, right? I'm so glad that I said I'd go straight home.

Do you know what's going on?

Not at all.

We're going to battle the aliens.

With these members?

They said we don't have to do much.

Yeah, but...

What do you mean the Earth Defense Forces don't require you to do much?

Can these aliens be beaten easily and with little effort?

To begin with, what do you think of aliens existing alongside us?

I'm a PE teacher at a junior high school.

They said I could continue working while I did this.

Really? You can treat this as a secondary job?

The glasses guy I met at Shibuya!

We'd like to begin your orientation training.

Please come over here, everyone.

Orientation?

Orientation?

Please take a seat.

On the floor, please.

It's quite cool to sit on the floor of a space station.

-Excuse me. -Yes?

With my body type, it's hard for me to sit on the floor.

Please sit any way that is comfortable for you.

Thank you.

Firstly, thank you, everyone, for coming all the way to the moon.

Were you surprised not to find any rabbits here?

You didn't get it.

Did anyone get the joke?

We are asking all of you to defend Earth, starting from today.

We have some rules that we'd like you to follow.

The reason why you were chosen to be part of Earth Defense Forces is...

-Our odor? -Correct.

Correct. All of you have Low Odor Waves that the aliens hate.

Odor as in smell, if you know what I mean.

You have these Low Odor Waves.

This is a special type of odor that only Japanese people have.

We sampled every single person in Japan

and found that the five of you here were the only ones with that trait.

Do you understand?

What?

They hate our smell, so they'll run away just because we're there?

That's what we think.

"Thinking" it is not enough.

It gets rather complicated from here.

Let me use a diagram to explain.

Aliens from outer space have been thought to come to Earth

through this passage between the Earth and the moon.

We will guide the aliens through to this Space Pit

using a sucking beam.

A sucking beam?

Couldn't you think of a more spacey term for it? Oh, are you okay?

When those aliens arrive at this Space Pit

I need you to persuade them to go back to their own planet.

Persuade them to give up on invading Earth.

We'd like to avoid confrontation as much as possible.

Use of force could lead to further conflicts.

If...

If they do not engage in negotiations,

then, and only then, will we use force.

Do we need those pictures?

I know, right? So not needed.

It's unrelated.

I know, right, totally unrelated.

I thought no one else noticed!

Shall I hold it up, then?

Moving on.

If the aliens do not engage in negotiations,

only then will we use force.

The aliens do not like your odor, to begin with.

When we go into battle, they will try to run from you.

If you show them your armpits, they will all become frantic and run.

And while they are frantically running...

Excuse me. That's a film, so there's no point in holding it up.

I know, right? No point whatsoever.

I was looking at it and didn't understand a thing.

Why isn't anyone saying anything?

When you put the films on top of each other...

Let us continue. When they are running frantically,

-we will attack them. -Excuse me.

-Yes. -You made it sound really easy,

but how are we supposed to fight an alien?

That's right! None of us have the ability to fight those aliens.

Yes.

I knew you were going to ask that.

Now Kandabayashi and I will give you a demonstration.

Oh, great. Please do.

Demonstration?

Oh, it stinks! Oh, my God, no!

Take this!

-Take this! -Stop it. It smells so bad.

But you're not going to beat me so easily!

Wait a minute.

You're underestimating these aliens.

Their strength should be around this level.

How weak!

Even if they were to retaliate...

Oh, it's so smelly! Oh, my God, no!

-Take this! -We already saw this.

It smells so bad! But you're not going to beat me so easily!

Hey, you just wanna do the "Waaaaay!" bit.

There's no need.

You just added a bit of action.

We think their strength is around this level.

They seem to be weaklings. Then there's no reason to be scared, is there?

-May I ask a question? -Yes.

If they are so weak,

why can't we beat them once they land on Earth?

-Well, I guess... -What do you mean, "I guess"!

If one of us were to come across one of the aliens,

we should just beat them then and there.

But these are aliens from outer space.

If they enter Earth, it will cause trouble for us.

It's possible that they might be carrying something bad like a virus.

It's quite possible.

You keep talking about possibilities.

Are these aliens really coming?

It's quite possible that they may come. Or they may not come.

Enough with this "quite possible" thing. Which is it, are they coming or not?

There's a little bit of uncertainty there.

We need to be certain!

Then they're coming!

Don't you snap at me! What do you mean by "then"?

This isn't a situation to laugh at.

Okay?

You're the only one laughing!

It's not funny...

The government says that they are coming.

Apparently, they've been around the moon.

But so far, there are no confirmed sightings.

Although there are no confirmed sightings, we know that they're out there,

so we need to have plans in case they come!

I'm still not convinced.

It's a really awkward atmosphere.

That's the Prime Minister calling us!

We're leaving, as we need to contact the Prime Minister.

Hey, isn't that a convenient time to be called upon!

Hey!

All right! So we don't all need to be here at once.

Let's do a roster so that two or three of us are here at all times.

Can we do that?

I need to study for my entrance exams.

Let me return to Earth.

-Preparing for entrance exams? -Yes, they're right around the corner.

You can study here, can't you?

I've been brought here suddenly!

I don't have any textbooks!

-Hamada, you can stay, right? -Well...

I'm Hamada. Shinko Hamada.

Oh, I'm Koji Saneyoshi.

Kanta Ushiyama.

Luchini Aoyama.

Huh?

I'm in a band. I'm Luchini Aoyama.

Your real name?

It's Luchini Aoyama.

-You're in character? -What do you mean?

I'm Tokio Mishima.

Let's draw up a roster then.

Wait a minute. Why are you guys so quick to accept the situation we're in

as a normal state of affairs?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Don't you have any doubts?

I'm still unconvinced. I still don't believe we're on the moon!

I still think this is a movie set or something.

-This is the moon. -What?

How can you be so sure?

Because I was the first to come here.

I was so bored.

I told the guy who brought me here to take me on a tour of the moon.

He lent me a space suit.

-You went outside? -Yep.

I walked along the crater and everything!

You're kidding!

Like the Apollo crews did.

No way!

While we were having lunch, we figured it's just something we'll have to do.

So you guys have been here for a while and you've accepted your fate already.

Well, we're employed by the Cabinet Office so the pay should be quite good.

Wow, you're very logical in your thinking!

-Let's decide on a roster! -No! Can't do it.

No, I'm not ready yet. I'm not on the same level as you guys.

I haven't reached your degree of determination!

I still can't believe that I warped here!

Of course it's possible.

We're in an age in which cars can move without us steering them.

That's totally different!

That's a different level of technology!

Warping from Japan onto a spaceship!

Warping is no ordinary thing.

In Star Wars, they can all go whoosh and end up in a different universe.

Warping is a big deal. We're traveling across time and space.

What happened in your case? What's that?

Did you have a weird beam flashed at you and you were suddenly here?

No, no, no. That can't be!

Let's do a roster.

-What are you, a teacher? -Damn right I am!

I told you I'm a PE teacher!

If we're doing a roster, could you hurry up and decide?

I want to go back to Earth immediately. I need to study!

-Calm down. You're Ms. Hamada. -Hamada.

You're Mr. Saneyoshi, right?

Since you're a teacher, you're great with names.

I can't do it, after all. Isn't it weird? I can't accept it.

The government can't force us to do this against our own free will!

We've all got our lives to live.

We've all got families and a day job.

It's the same as jury duty.

If you're chosen, you have to fulfill your duty.

That was our conclusion.

We all felt the same way at first.

When you're on jury duty you only need to observe a trial.

In our case, it could be dangerous.

We'll have to fight aliens!

Why are you laughing? I didn't say anything funny.

There are no aliens!

Do you really believe that aliens exist?

Of course they don't exist! You just have to come here now and again,

report that nothing happened during your watch, and get paid.

-They don't exist? -Of course not!

What's wrong with you? You're already past 40, aren't you?

A middle-aged man like you, talking about Star Wars and aliens.

No, stop it. Don't laugh!

That's not what I meant!

Don't laugh! It's a generational thing! We believed in that!

I just believed it!

A spaceship has been spotted just off the moon.

A SPACESHIP FOUND!

The sucking beam will be used to guide them here.

We will beam the aliens up to the meeting room.

Please head there to begin negotiations immediately.

It must be some sort of a joke, right?

They must have mistaken a satellite for a spaceship.

Let's just go to the meeting room to make them happy.

We'll decide on the roster later.

Shut up.

No way.

Is this it?

In this room,

your conversation with the aliens will be translated automatically.

We ask for a swift negotiation.

No way.

What is that? Are they making a movie?

Excuse me.

It spoke!

I'd like to go to Earth as soon as possible.

Hey, hey...

Um...

You

are

an alien?

An alien...

I came from a planet called Parol.

Parol?

Yes.

To me, you guys are the aliens.

Oh, yeah. We are aliens...

-You can just talk normally. -I see.

Did you come here alone?

Oh, no. There were five of us, but the other four died on the way.

Oh, my.

Planet Parol got infected by a virus we don't understand.

That virus threatened to wipe out everything on the planet.

So we left on a journey to find another planet that we could move to.

So, those other members were also killed by the virus?

No, we're quite a weak species to begin with.

Our mothers carry us for 10 years, and we die after about a week.

Like a cicada.

What is that?

Does your mother live a long life?

There's only one mother for the whole planet.

Like a bee, then.

What is that?

So what you're saying is,

you guys normally die in a week,

but you're migrating because the virus kills you in a single day?

That's right. We usually live for about a week,

but with this strange virus, some of us die in as little as half a day.

Like a mayfly.

How many babies do your mother give birth to every day?

Ten a day, on an average.

No, no, no. I don't have time to talk like this.

I need to go inspect Earth quickly and report back to our planet.

I'll also be dead by the day after tomorrow.

Sorry. Um, okay.

Can I summarize quickly? So...

You don't want that virus to kill your mother.

Oh, no. Mother is not weak like us.

That virus is a no match for Mother.

Then let me get this straight.

You guys only live for a week to begin with,

and this virus kills you in half a day.

Okay, sorry. How can I put it...

Can I be blunt? Sorry. Let me be very blunt here...

Yes?

What's the problem?

What do you mean?

Sorry, you know,

discussing someone who can live to be 100

but is dying in their prime, is one thing.

There are some of us who live to be 100.

-What? Really? -Yes.

Earthlings live that long?

Yeah. Well, the average is 70 to 80 years.

So, if there were a virus that would kill us in half a day,

it would be a big deal.

We'd move right away.

But for you, one week is shortened to half a day. What do you think?

What do I think?

-Is it a problem? -What?

Even if you do die in half a day?

What's he touching?

Well, you're saying that living for one week and living for half a day

is pretty much the same thing.

Comparatively speaking, yes.

It's not the same. That is way too extreme.

Yes, I know it's an extreme case.

If you were to come to Earth,

will you be able to live amongst us?

That's not possible.

After we wipe out the Earthlings,

we'll make it a planet entirely our own.

I see. In all seriousness,

I think earthlings are a much stronger species than yours.

I know, right?

Some of you guys live to be 100 years old!

-Yes. -I get it.

While I've been talking to you,

it crossed my mind that there's no way I can win against these people.

I feel jealous.

If you can die in a week,

you don't need to take any entrance exams.

Don't say something so deep suddenly. I'll listen to your story later.

What should I do?

What should I do...

Could we live togeth...

-No way. -That was quick.

That was a quick rejection.

We don't see any benefit in allowing you to live on Earth.

You can't turn carbon dioxide into oxygen or anything, can you?

-We can't. -Then, no.

Oh, but we die very quickly,

so we turn into soil and become nutrients in which you can grow lots of plants?

That's the same with living things on Earth.

-It's the cycle of life. -Yes.

Any other skills? Anything special?

We don't need to find any good things about him.

But there must be something.

I can only think of "dying very quickly."

Oh, and it feels really good when I touch here.

-We can't experience that. -It feels good.

What else...

Oh, we eat quite a lot.

So if there's food left over at a party, I can eat all of it.

Wow, that's good!

-Even if there's quite a lot left? -Yes, I can polish it off easily.

-That's good. -And, well...

I can eat a lot more

when I think I'll be dead in a couple of days.

Wow, that's good thinking.

Who gives a shit!

Like I've told you before, just listen, okay?

-Sorry. -Listen only.

-What is that thing? -It bends in different directions.

Is that all it does?

Can I touch it?

Yeah, maybe you can. Do you want to touch it?

-Yeah. -Can he touch it?

-Yes. -Gently, though.

Should I?

It's awesome! You'll get to touch an alien!

-Sorry. -Stop it.

I won't do it this time.

-How was it? He felt good! -How was it?

Okay, how about this?

The inhabitants of Parol are not beings who live for a week,

but beings which die in half a day. How's that?

Cicadas to mayflies, it's not that different.

Well, I guess we could think of it that way, but...

Hey, you.

Here I am,

being forced to make a really hard decision,

and you're reading a book all of this time? Unbelievable!

Shut up. I'll rip off all of your tentacles.

I'm cramming for my entrance exams.

I have no time for some alien who's going to drop dead soon.

Stop it.

Don't be too serious. Don't be so honest.

We should try to get along.

Come on, you made him cry.

See, you should go home. Go home. Think about it.

Think about it. You guys spend most of your lives in your mother's womb.

You enjoy your life in there.

Once you're born, you're in the afterlife.

It doesn't matter if your afterlife lasts one week or half a day, does it?

It doesn't.

You're so convincing, old lady...

I know. I'm also a fan of the pop group Exile.

-I don't know them... -I'll rip your tentacles off.

-Just give up and go home. -They're just joking.

They're very nice people.

-It's just a joke. -A joke.

We can tell those jokes because we've become friends.

-I'll rip them off! -No.

He's just joking. Don't worry.

He's just using a realistic tone.

He wants to be friends with you.

Why don't you give up and go home today?

Maybe you're right.

-I can't defeat you... -Of course not!

I'll rip them off!

Stop, stop it!

-It doesn't sound like a joke. -If you don't stop...

You don't get our sense of humor, that's all.

By doing this, he's trying to make his joke very funny.

-Earthling humor is very difficult. -That's right. Indeed.

Repetition makes things funny, you see.

Then, should I go home?

Hey, you.

Do you have the ability to suck a specific type of dust from the atmosphere?

It's called PM 2.5.

No way.

I cough even if I breathe in heavily.

On your way then!

I'll rip your tentacles off!

You piece of shit!

Piece of shit!

They're screaming at you because you react that way.

They wanna see you scared.

They're just born weak.

It can't be helped, can it?

Hey, aliens turned out to be real.

I didn't think they existed either.

This is rather troublesome.

We were lucky this time because he was a weakling.

But I think other aliens are generally stronger.

That's why our odor is an advantage.

We don't even know how advantageous this odor is.

-I'm out. -Me too.

Wait a minute, you guys.

You accepted this job already.

No way. We'll definitely be killed when a powerful one comes.

According to the Cabinet Office guy,

every alien is about as weak as the one we met today.

-Bullshit. They're obviously lying to us. -Hey, you!

You're in a band, right?

Where's your rock 'n' roll spirit?

Rock n' roll spirit?

Who gives a shit!

Rock n' roll has nothing to do with fighting aliens!

I also don't want to do anything that could endanger my life.

I have a wife and child.

Such cowards, you are.

I'm not going to abandon a job that I've already accepted.

That's enough. Just go home!

It's a job for your country.

Even if you do go back, I think they'll bring you back straight away.

Who gives a shit about the country!

We're going home.

No way!

I told you! This is the government!

Their way of doing things!

I can't.

I can't work here in space!

Um, excuse me.

Can I help you?

I was appointed to the Earth Defense Forces.

What? What's wrong with you guys?

I'm going to study here today.

I agree.

We can't go against the government.

Oh, I see.

So cute.

You're thinking out loud there.

Yes!

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too!

As a woman,

I wasn't attractive enough to keep them here.

-Absolutely! -I haven't finished.

So cute.