All language subtitles for Archer_S13E07_Distraction Action.en.closedcaptions

…which was tragically his final birthday.

And in intelligence news,

a manhunt is underway
for members of The Agency,

a rogue spy agency
linked to several international incidents,

including the disappearance
of Fabian Kingsworth, CEO of IIA.

Information on the group is spotty,

but we do know they're led by this man,
Cyril Figgis.

Oh, my God. Can you believe this?

I know. Even a penguin upstaged us.

-No. They think you're in charge of me.
-[laugh track plays]

I'd maybe focus on the fact
that Fabian framed us and vanished.

On the bright side,

it's almost impossible to find
a New York apartment on such short notice.

This isn't an apartment, Krieger.
It's an abandoned safe house.

The bathroom's in the kitchen,
the kitchen is the living room,

and our landlord is a literal cockroach.

So, a New York City apartment.

[laugh track plays]

[audio of audience cheering plays]

Do you guys think our cute neighbor
has a crush on me?

Scrawny, huge overbite,
always scurrying around?

That's a sewer rat
and he has a brood of children.

-[laugh track plays]
-Ew, he has kids?

-[imitates buzzer] Deal breaker!
-[laugh track plays]

-Stop with the sitcom sound effects!
-[audience] Aw!

But it's so boring here!

Pam, I get that you are incapable
of living without extreme overstimulation

and/or violence,
but we have bigger problems.

What? Where? I'll kill 'em!

Press that and see what happens.

Look, AJ's custody hearing is today,
and I'd rather not show up and get nabbed.

Krieger,
where are we on counter-surveillance?

[dispatch]
All units be advised, FBI and NSA inbound.

But that could be about anybody
who they're looking for at our workplace,

homes and-- Oh, no.

Why the feds got their panties in a wad?
We barely did shit.

Besides destabilizing
a global finance center,

killing someone with a train
and robbing a literal bank?

Ugh. People are so sensitive.

This is weird. They're surveilling
all of our places except Ray's.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe he got nabbed by any
of the 50 agencies hunting us like dogs.

What if he flipped?
Maybe he's "traycherous."

Oh! Wouldn't "traytor" have been--

A million times worse? Absolutely.

Who cares? We're going to prison for life
and we'll die in a cage.

[laugh track plays]

-[Archer grunts]
-[groans]

Okay. Hilarious as it is
to watch Cyril confront his mortality,

I have just now devised a plan
to get Lana to the hearing,

you guys to safety,
and me to non-sewer air, likely tropical.

How? I'd add something sassy here,
but Archer broke my phone.

We run a series of distractions
during the hearing.

A "distraction relay," if you will.

Then we flee to Cheryl's plane
on, uh, what did you call it?

Long Island.

-Gross.
-Tell me about it.

But apparently major airports hate
when you transport tons of bombs

or even say the word "bomb."

Which we'll use
for the most noble cause possible,

finding Fabian and crushing him.

Come on, damn it.

We've thwarted cartels, kingpins,
cyborg Barry armies,

and we're gonna lose
to this English prick?

So let's get up, act like
the spies we are, and kick some I-I-Ass.

-All right!
-Hell yeah!

Aw.

Thank you. But all this is because
you ran out of booze last night, isn't it?

[scoffs] What? No.

It was this morning.

Seriously? We're in the heart of New York

and we're disguised
as a landscaping company?

You made me paint over the other one!

[groans] Strained, at best.

[whimpers]

Lana, you don a disguise and make your way
to the courtroom for AJ's custody hearing.

Great. AJ can watch me get arrested
in person instead of on the news.

Just trust me, Lana.

The distraction relay will work

but to pull it off,
it has to run like clockwork.

Can't we just fart our way through this
like usual?

No! We need each distraction on schedule,
otherwise they'll catch wind about Lana.

So that means no freelancing,
no tying up loose ends,

and no personal bullshit.

-[all groan]
-Come on.

And what are you griping about, Cyril?

Your life is so empty
that your emergency contact is 911.

Hey, I have a full life.
I've got plenty of things I could tie up.

Like using your punch card
to get a free pizza from Teddie's?

[sighs] No. I'm still two short.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go distract the police
by being hot as hell.

[engine revving]

Sorry, these new actuators
are a little balky. Just a sec.

Just a…

sec.

Man,
if I peeled out right after I said that,

you guys would've gone
full sploosh mountain.

Uh, damn. That was pretty hot.
[chuckles]

You know there's a chance
you walk in there,

get arrested, and go to jail
for the rest of your life, right?

If I walk in there and get arrested,

or I don't walk in there at all,
either way, I never see AJ again.

What's the difference?

Uh, bars on your bedroom
and shitty food? But point taken.

Oh, and Lana, try not to get
photographed in that babushka.

If the Polish are ever taken seriously
in this country,

that costume would definitely come back
to haunt you.

You know, I wouldn't say haunted.

I just think my written test score
is getting in the way of a promotion.

[sighs] That's not important.

Okay, being a field agent
isn't about written tests.

[inhales sharply]
I also did bad on the skills part.

Um, that's less not important.
So, let's practice.

You see him. You say?

Um, stop? You're under arrest?

Okay, are you asking me
or are you telling me?

-Telling? Wait, no. Asking. Pass.
-[motorcycle revving]

Wait a second. Is that…

Excuse me, officers.

Not now please, ma'am.
We're undercover and it's very important.

Okay. You wanna check those files?

Can you turn you head?

Huh.

-Oh, my God! It's her!
-Punch it, Wally!

-Oh, wait. I-I'm driving.
-[siren wailing]

Oh, God. I'm so sorry I'm late.

The jackass at reception took forever.
Think Frankenstein but less articulate.

The individual you referred to
as a "jackass" happens to be my husband.

And he has a speech impediment.

[chuckles] Um, did I say Frankenstein?

I meant-- Well-- I guess, technically,
I meant Frankenstein's monster. [chuckles]

Oh, God. This is not going well.

Eh. Could be worse.

Oh, sweetie. Mm.

Lana, I am simply blown away
by your persistence.

I admire you not just as a parent
but as a woman.

Thank you?
I mean, I should be admiring you.

You didn't tell the judge
I'm a literal fugitive.

Gosh, no! It would disregard AJ's agency
as a young woman

and the integrity of our bygone marriage.

-Wow, that's actually really sweet.
-[judge clears throat]

Can we commence, please?

Your Honor,
I'm going to present irrefutable proof

that Lana Kane is an unfit mother

and would cause
lasting developmental damage to AJ.

Oh, you bald little shit.

Why not wear a turtleneck to complete
the look, you uncircumcised dick?

[clears throat]

[groans] This is gonna be a long hearing.

-[siren wailing]
-Cheryl! Cue the distraction.

[Wally, Molly screaming]

[laughs]

[chickens clucking]

-Where'd you get chickens?
-I wanna say the chicken store?

Oh, man.
I forgot to say she was under arrest.

Where the hell are you? You're on in five!

Oh. Can someone else take the baton?
I'm tying up a loose end.

[Cyril]
What happened to "no personal bullshit"?

Yeah, for you guys. You're up.

-[Cyril] But I'm not ready!
-Oh, for real?

Well, in that case,
I'm gonna do exactly what I was doing

because it's extremely important. Click.

Did you just say "cli--"

Excuse me, is this the brothel?

[Robert] And as you can see here
from the exhibit dated that January,

-Lana's negligence got AJ kidnapped.
-[judge] What?

Separately, nice graphics.

I was skeptical at first,
but they really were worth the money.

Hey. I got her back, didn't I?

Plus, that experience taught us all
a very valuable lesson.

And that lesson was?

Don't get kidnapped? Oh,
and I was super helpful in the firefight.

And Ms. Kane, what is your job exactly?

Independent security consultant?

I'd feel better
if that didn't sound like a question.

So would I.

All right.
Little setback, but we are back on it.

Repeat after me. We are tough,
we are smart, we manifest our own luck.

We are tough, we are smart, we--
Give me that third one again. Sorry.

[sighs]

You know what? I'm just gonna do a sweep
of the courthouse.

Why don't you stay put, Wally?

-Oh, hello.
-Hi.

No, hello. Hello, I'm a fugitive?

Oh, shit. Second chance. Let's do this!

I totally manifested that.

Why is he so good at roller skating?

[disco music playing]

[pounding]

Sorry, Mrs. Fentooli! [chuckles]
I just got lost in the skating!

[laughs] Look at me now, Mrs. Fentooli!

Need backup. Central Park.
In pursuit of a dork on roller skates.

Madam Trinette, you know this guy?

We're old friends.

Does "friends" mean teamed up with
my nemesis for a dubious paternity test

to bleed money out of me,
which I used to build a fancy brothel?

-Fine. [chuckles] Friends with benefits.
-That's not what that means.

Sure it does. I got dental and everything.

Whatever. I need a favor.
Your clientele are the city's elite, yes?

Shit, yeah. We got real classy cooze here.

I assume you keep dirt on everyone
who comes in here,

and every other rich person
they talk shit about?

Of course not. The cops leave us alone
because they're nice.

Hey! To survive in this business,
sometimes you gotta pull strings.

Or whatever else needs pulling.

Look, Trinette, I need everything you know
about a billionaire named Robert--

Hell no! I don't let anything leak.

Look, Trinette, it's not for me.
I-It's for my daughter.

Unless I can smear Robert,
he's gonna take AJ from Lana.

Which means I wouldn't get to see her.

You know, you're lucky that having a kid
made me a wimp.

Careful with that, you puke.

Thanks, Trinette. You know,
we had some good times, didn't we?

No. You paid me for sex.

Fair enough. Give Seamus my best.

Would it kill you to send him
to lacrosse camp?

If it made him like you? Yes.

For that, I'm taking a shot glass.

Go ahead. You bought all this anyway.

And hey, Archer, I really look forward
to seeing your next check.

[laughs]

So you're telling me
that you used to have a stable job

but now you're effectively unemployed?

Self-employed-ish.

Do I get bonus points for saving the world
on, like, two separate occasions?

You would if I believed you.

And?

I do not.

I've never felt so free!

Eat my skate dust, you--
Uh, well, just eat it! [laughs]

Okay. We might be really bad at this.

Hey. We've got to stop this cycle
of screwing up,

beating ourselves up about it,

and then losing confidence,
and then screwing up even more.

-Instead, let's treat ourselves.
-[bell ringing]

Okay, if this is reverse psychology,
I like it.

Archer. It's your turn.
Have you done anything useful today?

Yes. I've made you angry,
thereby taking years off your life.

-But--
-That's good for the world.

I actually have to get this file to Lana
before the hearing's over,

so we'll need one final distraction.

And it's not like you have personal shit
to take care of.

But how will I get their attention when
apparently, I'm the most boring man alive?

Oh, Cyril.

I've spent hundreds of hours
trying to figure out

how one man could have so little going on.

But with your lack of charisma
and devotion to wasting your life,

my standards can't help
but be utterly mystified by you.

Wow, that's-- Wait.
None of what you just said is positive.

Thanks. Wish me luck.

In conclusion,
to quote the great Robert Marley,

"Me don't dip on the Black man's side,
me don't dip on the white man's side.

Me dip on God's side."

I'm gonna need a five minute recess.

-How's it going?
-[groans]

Well, that's about to change.

-What's this?
-A file on Robert.

You think he smeared you?

Every shady investment,
every masquerade orgy,

every racist joke he told in an elevator
is in here.

You can bury him.

How do you have this? And-- [sniffs] Oh!
Why does it smell like a whorehouse?

Uh, let's just say we have friends
in low places. Like whorehouses.

-[exhales] No. I can't.
-What? Lana, why?

Because then I'm no better
than that bow-tied ball bag.

[sighs] We need to talk.

I know that some of this seems harsh

but it's important for the judge to know

what kind of home
you'll be providing for AJ.

It's not that.

I think we should just stop this
and let AJ choose, for her sake.

She doesn't need to hear
any more dirt about either of us.

Are you sure? I wanna be respectful
of her autonomy and yours.

But you're really going to ask her
to choose between a barren apartment

and a mansion
with its own bowling alley/arcade?

I just want what's best for her
and it's not this hearing--

Wait a minute, a bowling alley/arcade?
I've never seen that.

It's, uh-- It's a big house.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

You are the FBI
and no one can take that away.

Unless, of course, the FBI fires you.
Don't think about that.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Our mole has in fact confirmed
that the target is inside. Are you ready?

One second.

That's right. You got this.
Quick but not too quick.

Mm, mm-- [groans]

-Brain freeze.
-[sighs]

Since this hearing started,
I've thought a lot about myself.

And my future.

I love both of you guys
and you're both good people,

so I know there's no wrong choice.

And in these tough couple months,
Daddy has been so supportive and caring,

and I've never had so much
trifola d'Alba Madonna in my life.

"Trifolda--" What's that now?

Most expensive truffles on Earth.
She has her father's palate.

Robert, I love you very much.
But it's obviously Mom.

Duh. Like, it's just so weird
that you're even doing this.

What are you thinking?

Kid goes to mom.
Honestly, she's screwed either way.

Court adjourned.

What a nontraditional family we are.
But we make it work.

Who are you, again?

I know you're joking
but that was absolutely devastating.

Nice work.

I am so, so happy.

About losing custody?

No, no, no. Don't you see?

I pushed for this trial
so you would see firsthand, AJ chose you.

You're not a mom by default.
You're her mother.

Cool. Bizarre mind games
from an eccentric billionaire.

Who could've guessed?

-You goddamn weirdo.
-Language!

-[phone buzzes]
-But correct.

God. Tipping off the FBI?
So much for respecting our autonomy.

-Thanks for nothing, asshole.
-Nothing? Are you kidding me?

I spent like $20 million
keeping the damn Agency afloat!

Well, thank you for that.

Now go eat $20 million worth of shit.

Krieger! We've been made!

We need a distraction.
Something, anything!

Um, Cyril, do something.

But I already did my one thing.
The roller skates. I'm out of moves!

Come on! There's gotta be something.
We gotta think big. We gotta think--

Absolutely enormous.
I mean, does he need special pants?

I swear to God, it looked at me.

Courts have side entrances?

It's called a celebrity door, Lana,
you Philistine.

Whoo! That was awesome.

Now, all we've gotta do
is get off the island of Manhattan

with the entire FBI after us
blocking all the roads.

Roads?
Where we're going, we don't need roads.

Whoa, Krieger. Hovercraft?

Krieger, we're only going, like,
five miles an hour.

[chuckles] Try six.

[Archer] Doesn't this thing go any faster?

Or am I gonna die in this windowless van
like a missing teen?

He said in a van with his daughter.

Will you relax?

-[ship horn blows]
-[squeals]

Oh, it looks like some sad adults.

Trinette?

Archer?
What, are you obsessed with me now?

You do house calls? Why a boat?

International waters, bro. No rules!

Whoo! [laughs]

Not true, and it's extremely creepy
that you want that.

Trinette, I'm gonna level with you.
We need to switch boats.

I already done enough favors
for you today. Get outta here!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. I have
a well-thought-out persuasive argument.

[gun cocks]

All right.
Now, fair is fair, finance snobs.

Empty your wallets
for Trinette and her girls.

Aren't they just gonna take
their money when we leave?

Good point.

Now, you boys share that. Be good.

You think those guys know how to swim?
I probably should've asked.

Eh, I think you're fine.

Heads-up! Sea pigs.

Shut up. The FBI has Jet Skis?

Hoo-hoo! I love civil forfeiture!

We got these from criminals?

Fun fact, they don't even have
to be guilty for us to take their stuff.

-That cannot be true.
-It is, though.

-Whoo! Jet Ski!
-Whoo!

-[grunts]
-Where did you get that?

[knock on door]

Pam. What are you doing here?

-Shh! I need a favor.
-Anything, my darling.

First…

[sighs] You probably shouldn't
set off fireworks indoors, yeah?

Agree to disagree.

Alessia made us a care package. Kaboom.

-You can never break up with her.
-Oh, my God. I love her.

Those were warning shots.
Stop the boat or we will open fire.

AJ, honey, get below and stay down. AJ?

Oh, AJ. Get below and stay down.

We will discuss your tone later, missy.

Well, hello. I'm gonna name you
"The solution to all my problems."

Or maybe we don't blow up the boat
full of government employees?

They started it.

Party boat. Let's do this!

Whoo-hoo! Water skiing!

Ha ha! Little too slow for me.

Whoa!

Come on. Try not to actually hit 'em.

This is not what you'd call
a precision operation.

Oh, yeah. Redemption.

[shouts]

I got an idea.

But you're gonna have to unkink
your panties for about 30 goddamn seconds.

Do I have to?

-Damn it. I'm out.
-Me too!

I need you to reach into my pocket.

Oh, Jesus. You have an erection?

It's a shot glass. But also, yes. Use it.
The shot glass, I mean.

-[grunts]
-[Cyril laughing]

Whoo!

Why did you have that?

Friends in low places. Like whorehouses.

I know what you meant!

Consider my panties unkinked.

-Is that in reference to something?
-Oh.

That wasn't you guys. Never mind.

[Archer] Hi, sorry about the gun.
I'll need the golf cart.

[person] Oh, man.

[Archer] Don't be like that.

-Um, anyone know where we're going?
-Or who's gonna fly the plane?

Uh, this is really as far as my plan went.

Well, I guess we lost them.

No. You've inspired me today
and I am not giving up.

Well, hello, beautiful.

I see you've finally made it.

-[launcher clicks]
-Did you turn off the safety?

You don't know it has a safety!

You know what? That's it. I quit.
I'm gonna go back to clown college.

Well, I'll be right there behind ya.

[grunts] Goddamn it!
What the fuck, Archer?

Slater, it's you! I'm so sorry.

I should've shot you twice.

Wow. You look…

-Really bad.
-Awful.

Jesus. The CIA's involved now?

Can we just skip all the usual
aggro bullshit and get to the point?

Your old boss, Fabian, used that
blackmail info you stole from the bank

to destabilize the country of Manatina,
where he's now fled.

Hey! In our defense,
we didn't know it was blackmail info.

So your defense is you're stupid?

I'd also like to say that in my defense,
he's stupid.

So, what are you doing here?
You're not domestic law enforcement.

The better question is,
what is Ray doing here?

[all gasp]

[Lana] Oh, my God. Ray really did flip.

This is hopeless.

Now, hang on one minute.

Just because Ray sucks,
doesn't mean we do too.

I've done more living in the past day
than I have in years,

and I don't intend to stop now.

So, to borrow a phrase,

let's get it together
and kick some I-I-Ass.

-Yay!
-Yeah!

And you know what? While we're at it,
I have an announcement to make.

I'm ready to start dating again.

[all laughing]

You haven't dated? Since Lana?

What? You wait one year for every month
you dated someone.

No! It's the opposite of that.

[groans] Know when to stop talking, Cyril.

Oh, God. I missed this!

Please. Never learn that.

God. Thank you so much, Cyril.
It just feels so good.

To laugh?

To not be you!

[laughing continues]