All language subtitles for Archer_S13E05_Out of Network.en.closedcaptions

-[knocking on door]
-No.

-[knocking continues]
-I don't want any, and/or I didn't do it.

Damn it, Edith.

I'll stop throwing trash off my balcony
when the co-op installs a garbage chute,

per my written request!

-Hey, Archer. I'm here.
-And here is where you're supposed to be?

[laughs]
Wait, did you forget you invited me over?

I remember not doing that.

Probably because you've been making
a lot of drunk promises lately.

And empty threats.

Suggest that again
and I will literally kill you.

Okay. Well, last night you invited me
over for a brunchy hang.

One, that's a phrase I would never use,

like "shoot to wound"
and two, you're already inside.

Yeah, the green eggs and Pam
are getting cold. The "Pam" is ham.

[knocking on door]

Cyril? To what do I owe
this opposite of pleasure?

-Hey, Archer. [sighs] I'm here for the--
-The brunchy hang!

-Which is what we're doing.
-That I don't remember suggesting.

-Yeah.
-And even at my most drunk,

-wouldn't invite Cyril to.
-Yep.

-[Knocking on door]
-And here's everyone else you invited.

Hey, big guy.

Let me guess, brunchy hang?

Oh, God, no.
We're here for the intervention.

Oh, yeah. It's also that.

Goddamn it, Pam.

Who wants some cheesy grits?

[gulping, exhales deeply]

-So…
-W-W-Wait, there's still juice in here.

[exhales deeply] Now what's this
about an intervention?

-It's not for your drinking.
-Good.

If anything, I'm getting better at that.

It's an intervention
for whatever's causing your drinking.

-Thirst?
-But under that.

-Boredom?
-But under that.

Irritation with your gentle tone?

Enough holding his damn hand.

Archer, ever since Malory left,
you treat us like shit, you spy like shit,

and you're gonna get us killed!

Please, I spy great.
Just last week I took down a drug kingpin.

Yeah, that is not what happened.

-[thuds, grunts]
-That's for giving drugs to kids.

Next?

We don't know what's in those inhalers.

We know two kids had asthma attacks.

Well, I, for one,
think this intervention is unnecessary.

Thank you, Krieger.

Why convince a man to change
when I can cut out the chunk of brain

causing the problem and replace it
with nanobots that I control?

Can you cut out the part of five brains
that are clearly jealous of my skills?

-Happy to try.
-You think we're jealous?

-We're worried.
-And frustrated.

And would it have killed you
to visit me in the hospital?

'Cause that snake bite you caused
almost killed me.

I'm pretty sure that was a tapir's fault.

You found it! Don't blame the tapir.

Enough! There's a way
these things are supposed to go.

"Archer, I made a list of the ways
in which your behavior has hurt me.

I've had to cover for you on missions.

Lie for you at the office.
Olive oil, carrots, toe cream?"

Did you get bored
and start making a grocery list?

Cheryl usually proofreads my speeches.

Are we gonna try to get her back,
by the way?

One crisis at a time, Pam.

Then go handle that crisis. I am fine.

-Not until you agree to see a therapist.
-Uh, agreed because I already do.

What? Since when?

Ever since Mother retired.
I was a wreck. I needed help. I got help.

Oh. What happens now?

-Do we still tie him to a chair?
-That's the main reason I came.

If you're seeing a therapist--
Hmm. How do I phrase this positively?

Why are you still such an ass on an ass?

Well, Dr. Lacania says
the process of unpacking my traumas

can be destabilizing
before I see improvement.

Plus we're dealing with a lot.

Impulse control, abandonment issues,
PTSD--

[coughs] Self-medicating.

Holy shit snacks. Archer's in therapy.

Brain chunk. Snip, snip, think about it.

No one even tried my potato salad.
It's a secret family recipe.

-Is the secret way too much dill?
-No!

Yes.

Archer, I am so proud of you.
It's been a tough year,

but knowing you're putting in the work,
it means a lot.

I'll log your therapist with IIA.

Having it on record should help
if there's any blowback. What's her name?

-Dr. Lacania.
-[gasps] Jesus!

-As far as you're concerned, yes.
-Why are you on my screen?

Can you see what's on my screen before?
'Cause I just sat down.

-I don't know how these tabs are open.
-I have thousands of employees.

Tapping into their screens saves time
and helps me avoid smelling you in person.

[sniffs] Your loss.

I saw your report that Agent Archer
is seeing a therapist.

Let me guess,
IIA doesn't approve of therapy.

Quite the contrary. Mental health
is as essential as physical health.

Oh, sweet.

That said, Agent Archer's therapist

will be immediately executed
by IIA assassins.

-What? Why?
-She's out-of-network.

It poses a security risk and puts
an unfair burden on the IIA health plan.

-You read the health plan, didn't you?
-I skimmed it.

I'm afraid it's out of my hands.

-Better luck next therapist, eh?
-[computer beeps]

Ooh, how much of that did you hear?

IIA is gonna kill my therapist?

Okay, good. You heard the main part.

Not to repeat myself, but Goddamn it, Pam!

I'm sorry!

How was I supposed to know
that IIA kills out-of-network therapists?

Yeah, those co-pays are murder.

Sorry, I'd waggle my eyebrows,

but my forehead's still paralyzed
from spider venom.

Is it just therapists?
What about dentists?

Dr. Beck is the only man I trust
to handle my porous teeth.

That's where I come in.

And haven't we all wondered,
why do we have teeth only in our mouths?

Ew, yeah. Looks like you
and your crumbly teeth are out of luck.

Who cares? Cyril can get new teeth.

I can't spend a year explaining
my thrilling-yet-complicated backstory

to a new therapist.

And you won't have to.
Because we'll help you save her.

Is that a royal we?

Because this is not part of my job, okay?

I keep my head down and I put in the work.

But it is your job to work with me,

which will be even more impossible
if my therapist dies.

-What would that even look like?
-We're on a clock here!

Fine. I'll help you to help me.

Dr. Lacania would call that
a transactional relationship.

-It's not great, but it's a start.
-[exclaiming]

And it won't be enough.

Jesus, Max Headroom!

I'm working, I'm working.

I just came in here for this grenade.
Uh, my lucky grenade.

Fabian, call off the hit.

It's out of my hands, Archer.
The assassination order already went out.

-Your therapist is as good as--
-[gunshots]

You know, some of us do work on those.

-Nerd.
-Fabian's wrong. We'll save her.

Will we? Every time we go up against IIA
we lose. They're always one step ahead.

Which means we need to stay
one step ahead of that step.

-Krieger, what do you got?
-Ooh.

[cheers] My first idea would be to breed
a half human, half dolphin--

-Ugh, next idea.
-Aw.

Well, I can hijack the connection
Fabian uses to tap into our monitors,

allowing us to monitor
all IIA body cameras

and know exactly
where their assassins are.

But I'd need eyes on all the monitors.

Living eyes.

I mean, obviously I've got jars of eyes.

-Ray, Cyril, help Krieger.
-Fine by me.

Now listen,
this is our most important mission ever.

We're not just saving my therapist.

We're saving my mental health,
and by extension, the world.

Let's add delusions of grandeur
to your list of issues.

Said the man who needs therapy
more than any of us.

I need therapy? Me?

Oh, that's rich.
You know who needs the therapy?

The-- The guy who says
someone else needs therapy.

Which I guess… [sighs] …he's getting.

[Krieger] Try it now.

-Damn it, Krieger.
-In my defense, I knew that would happen.

Behold, every camera in the IIA network.
I call it Spy Wall.

[Ray] Lot of toilet cams on Spy Wall, huh?

I don't place the cameras. I hack them.

-Hey. Either of you ever try therapy?
-Ew. Just physical.

I was born well-adjusted.
The scientists made sure of that.

[laughs] Yeah.
I mean, I don't think I need it.

I mean, I'm not that unhappy.
More scared than unhappy.

I'm more unhappy than scared.

[laughs] Right?
Hey, maybe we could talk about it.

Not as therapy, which we don't need,
just informal guy talk.

-Well, that takes all the pressure off.
-Hard pass.

If I wanna swap traumas,
I will join a fight club.

Ooh. Let's do that too.

-[patient crying]
-[Lana] Shit, they already have her.

Not for long. Your brain doc is about
to see some brain damage.

Wait, wait, wait. Dr. Lacania says always
to knock,

-even in an emergency.
-[grunts]

Hold it right there?

-[clears throat] Sterling.
-She calls you Sterling?

Yes, she calls me by my name.

And she requires appointments.

-We've talked about respecting boundaries.
-Sorry, Dr. Lacania,

I can explain and pay for the door.

Can you guys give us a minute?

Also, you should probably look
for a new therapist.

[crying]

-Wow, she…
-Looks like a therapist.

Wearing clothes and everything.

-And he apologized to her.
-And it wasn't sarcastic.

Guess he's actually trying
to be a better person.

Ray, how we lookin'?

[Ray] Uh, multiple hostiles incoming.
Technically already there.

Jesus, Ray! Thanks for the warning.

[Ray] I'm doing my best!
There's a ton of monitors.

[Krieger] And a lot of feelings.

Heads up,
they don't look like new patients.

[menacing music plays]

And you'll keep going to therapy,
young lady,

until you stop having sex dreams
about Grave Digger, the monster truck.

-They're over here.
-We gotta go.

-[Dr. Lacania gasps]
-Jesus Christ, Archer.

Um, this is why you have to knock.

-[banging on door]
-[Pam grunts]

I knew you weren't in therapy.
It is always about sex with you.

What? This isn't sex.

She's lying on top of you.

Because she fainted
when I told her about the assassins,

and I had to catch her.

Believe me, if I was having sex,
you would know.

Please! You're obviously into her.

Inaccurate phrasing.

-But also true.
-Wait, what?

-The infamous Lana, I presume?
-[banging continues]

-Infamous?
-You come up a lot. It's mostly bad.

In our first session,
Sterling admitted his attraction to me.

We discussed it
and decided working through it

would be a good exercise
in establishing boundaries.

-And having vivid sex dreams. Vivid.
-[gunshots]

Probably time to go!

Right. We need a new exit.

No, you want a new exit.
You need to respect my personal journey.

I can't respect you if we're dead.

How convenient for you.

-See what I deal with?
-I have a suggestion.

My office used to be
part of a larger suite.

We remodeled but kept the door.

Damn, you're good in a crisis, doc.

My patients are always in crisis.

-[banging on door]
-[grunts]

Ray! Are we clear? Ray? Ray?

But where does the fear come from?

Well, when I was a child,
my father trained show dogs.

Cyril, shut up!

Lana, you've got incoming.

Yeah, I know. We dodged them. Keep up.

[Ray] Oh, I'm sorry. Then these assassins
must be outside a different door.

-[Pam grunts]
-[thuds]

[grunts, choking]

-[thuds]
-[assassin grunts]

Well, you're in the right office
to get new teeth.

So long as they're in-network.

Fascinating. You focus on the mundane
to avoid contemplating

-the barbaric nature of your work.
-Oh, my God. We don't have time for this.

-[grunts]
-[thuds]

My apartment's a few blocks away,
we can crash there.

Wouldn't it be better
to go to a safe house?

Well, my place isn't exactly an official,
legal residence

or zoned for human habitation,
so it pretty much doesn't exist.

That sounds good to me.

Plus, I definitely wanna see Pam's place.
That's gotta be a shit show.

[sighs] I guess Krieger's cameras
will let us know if they're onto us.

Ray, I need a safe route to Pam's.

Well, I need legs made of meat,
but life's not fair.

You're gonna take your first left.

I'm sorry, don't take that.
Take your second left.

All I do is work.

-Office lab, home lab, sea lab,
-[Ray speaking indistinctly]

where the only law is science.

Well, at least you have a passion.

I live in constant fear
that someone will ask me to do my job.

But is it really a passion
if it's also work?

I mean, where's the me time?

Will you two shut up? My God.

"I'm sad."
"I love being a mad scientist too much."

Try walking in my shoes. Spoiler!

I have to buy new ones every three weeks
because shoes aren't made for metal feet!

And I've offered you tank treads,
like, a billion times.

I had the worst childhood
and adulthood imaginable,

and you don't see me crying about it
because I got it under control.

Unless I see a porcupine.

Uh, why a porcupine?

Who are you, the therapist I don't need?

[upbeat jazz music plays]

[Archer chuckles] Wow.

A Brough Superior SS100?

-This is what killed Lawrence of Arabia.
-[pinball machine dings]

This is your apartment?

Yeah. Pretty sweet, huh?
I used to come to raves here.

Then one morning, I woke up on the floor
with an empty bank account

and a deed scrawled on a napkin.
[chuckles]

Best decision I didn't know I was making.

Pam, you might be

the first completely psychologically
healthy person I've ever met.

Yeah, but some of us
are pretty close, right? [chuckles]

Uh-huh.

Do you think it's psychologically healthy
to fish for compliments?

Lana doesn't like therapy.

Hey, I never said that.

I don't love the idea of a person
who knows everything about you

and can use that information against you.

Not that I have trust issues.

Pam, why do you have underpants
with the Swiss flag?

Swiss? Those aren't Swiss. Those are, uh--

They're from the Red Cross.
They're defective.

Anyway, mi safe house et tu safe house.

I'm gonna check the back door.

And I'm gonna ride like Lawrence.

Without the dying part.

So you heard a lot about me, huh?

I can't discuss that.

Right, right.

It's just, you only heard
Archer's side of things.

And sure, we've had our issues,
but he has issues with everyone,

so I think it's unfair to focus on me
and not Pam, who is a total enabler,

or Krieger, who's a drug designer,

or Cheryl.
She is the craziest one in the group.

So whatever problem Archer has,
it is probably because of her, not me.

-I'm not taking on new patients.
-[Archer] Whoo-hoo!

I'm sorry. Just stay in there.

[grunts]

And so you know, I organized
an intervention to help Archer.

-Without a psychologist present.
-[engine revs]

Well, no. But with friends present.
It helped. You weren't there.

I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, Lana you dumped him,

had a kid with his sperm
but didn't tell him."

But you only know his side.

What'd he even say?

I know you can't tell me,
so say nothing if it's bad.

Ah, damn it. I knew it's bad.

[engine revving continues]

Fascinating.

You're paying for the things
I break with your body.

Since we're done with therapy,

could you skip to the end
and say what my problem is?

Sterling, you know
that's not how this works.

Therapy is a lifelong journey
to self-discovery.

-But it's my mother, right?
-Yes.

And I'm sorry we won't have more time
to work on it. What is that?

-Shit, is that a tracker?
-[beeps]

-Because that would mean--
-[Pam grunts]

Safe house isn't safe.

[gunshots]

[electronic music plays]

These are vintage, you bastards.

Damn it.
Why didn't you guys see this coming?

Ray? Ray?

I get it now. I see every mission
as an opportunity to disappoint my father,

even though he's gone.

And I need to finally make time
for my prog rock puppet musical.

And you did it without therapy.

And we did it with something better.
Informal guy talk.

Which is like therapy
but with fewer credentials

and a completely random success rate.

All right.

Upsy-daisy.

Wait, what?

-[door opens]
-[panting]

[groans] I think we lost them.

-You thought that at Pam's.
-I'm not omniscient, Lana.

Textbook parasitic symbiosis.

-Will you turn it off?
-[doorbell rings]

-Damn it. They found us.
-Why would they ring the doorbell?

-Obviously to confuse us.
-Who's there?

-[gunshots]
-[Cyril shrieks] Don't shoot. It's us.

-I stand by my choice.
-Of course you do.

Where the hell have you guys been?

Why do you look like you've been crying?

Um, IIA cut our feed.

Yeah and, uh, that made us very sad.

And I'm more than a scientist.

Everyone shut up. We need to get
Dr. Lacania out of the city.

We put her on a train.

It's public, crowded.
It has multiple entries.

I'm not sure they'll let me
on the train covered in this much blood.

Yeah, blood's more of a subway thing.

Are there any women's clothes here?

Just abandoned bras, but they're covered
in whipped cream and gunpowder.

The only full outfit I have belonged to…

[Ray] Damn,
you are wearing that dress, girl.

Stop. This is already
a very confusing moment for me.

Why? Because your forbidden crush
is wearing the dress of the mother

who kept you in a state of childlike
emotional dependence your whole life?

Oof. It is a bit tight in the chest.

-[chuckles] Yeah, it is.
-Oh, my God.

Oh, Archer has a forbidden crush?
How naughty.

Did everyone hear me say
I'm not just a scientist?

Enough! We need to go.

Hang on. They know what she looks like.
They'll catch us right away.

We're out of time,
so unless you have an idea--

Oh, I have an idea. And you might think
it's stupid, but I believe in it.

And we believe in you.

If we survive, we should check
the war room for gas leaks.

To the sewing machine! Whoo-hoo!

Well, sewing needles
remind me of porcupines but sure.

Sorry for this, Dr. Lacania.
But I promise we'll get you out.

I know you will. And when you do,
I want you to come with me.

Because I love you, Sterling Archer.

Meep.

[somber piano music plays]

You ready for this?

Are you ready to come with me?

-Dr. Lacania--
-Please, call me Malory.

Ugh, no. Wh-- Why?

Well, that's my name. Malory Lacania.

What an unfortunate coincidence.

Not if you forget your past.

I have seen how you've grown,
what you're capable of.

And now, I've seen
how these people hold you back.

I need to think about it.

Think fast, Sterling. The train's leaving.

[gun cocks]

I have eyes on the target.
Taking the shot in three, two--

Wait! I have two targets,
two targets-- No, three. Four.

Original target is lost.
Repeat, original target is lost.

Let's do this.

I can't believe this is working.

I can't believe Cyril sewed
five dress suits in an hour.

Before I turned to espionage,
I was a tailor's apprentice.

-Is it too late to turn back?
-[Ray] Oh, my God.

[Lana] Shit. Ray, are you made?

I'm just a little boy.
Telling my dog she'll be okay. [sighs]

Just hold on, Ginger Rogers!

-Okay, what the hell is that?
-[bucket drumming]

The sound I've been looking for.

You guys wanna be
in a prog rock puppet musical?

Focus. We're almost there.

And it's almost time to decide.

I know. There's literally
a giant ticking clock on the wall.

Ah, hell. Screw it. Tranq them all.

Looks like the needle is mightier
than the sword.

Not like, drug needle.

Sewing needle. [grunts]

Cyril? Cyril?
Does anyone have eyes on Cyril? [grunts]

-[thuds]
-Oh, shit.

-[grunts]
-Damn it. [grunts]

I should've gone to therapy. [grunts]

Come on.

Cyril? Man, you know how
to fill out a dress in all the wrong ways.

[laughs] The doctor comes with me.
End of the line, Sterling.

My mother called me Sterling.

-[grunts]
-And you're not my mother.

-[grunts, screams]
-[train horn honking]

[laughing] Was that a breakthrough?
That felt like a breakthrough.

It was gruesome.

-Breakthroughs can be gruesome.
-[train horn honks]

-[sighs] Well, we made it.
-[somber music plays]

And got a new umbrella.

-Deflection.
-Yeah, of darts.

And your question. I know.

-It's just, leaving--
-Would improve your life forever?

[sighs] Sure. Maybe. But also--

You need me like oxygen?

N-Not what I was gonna say, but--

Ugh, Sterling, listen.
This life is damaging you.

A vicious cycle of violence
leading to anger,

leading to more violence.

We can start a new life,
running a little bakery

on the banks of the Rhine
that specializes in Dampfnudel.

You can bring things into the world
instead of taking them out.

Or we could live in Norway
and give boat tours on the fjords.

No, no, no. Just the Rhine bakery.
Because that is the best one.

It sounds so compelling
when you say it in that voice.

-[somber music continues]
-[exhales deeply] Okay.

Yes. I'll go. Hang on.

So, I'm leaving. Definitely on this train.
Possibly forever.

What? You're leaving? With her?

What do you care,
Miss "I'm only here to do my job?"

-Uh, Mrs.
-Sort of.

And what I care about is how
this would break your mother's heart.

This agency is her legacy.

Maybe I've done enough
living for my mother.

That is actually healthy. You're right.
She's gone.

-But the rest of us are still here.
-Except Cheryl.

And I know we're not perfect.
But we're your family.

Us. Me. Your daughter.

Stay with us.

Because if you think running away
is the solution, I promise you,

you'll never stop running.

[train horn honks]

-Could've had something there.
-You have something here.

Yeah, an erection.

-What?
-I was gonna have train sex.

Now what am I supposed to do
with this, Lana?

[sighs] You'll figure it out.

Like hell I will.
This is someone else's problem.

Okay, Archer.

Ideally, two someones.

Okay, Archer!

[Archer laughs]