All language subtitles for Archer_S13E04_The Laws of Attraction.en.closedcaptions

[Pam] Now, what is this bullshit?

Um, which of the many species of bullshit

in our bullshit ecosystem
are you referring to?

The jelly beans? Which are only licorice,
buttered popcorn, and--

Mmm. I think hatred?

Or the coffee maker, which is gone.
And replaced by off-brand instant?

"Folberg's Crystals"?
"An acceptable part of waking up."

It's these chip flavors. "Snail paella"?
"Dutch onion"? And "menthol"?

Wow! A bag of these has more nicotine
than a pack of cigarettes.

Well, now I wanna try them.

This is why you fill out
your food requisition forms properly.

Otherwise, you get the leftovers
from Headquarters that no one wants.

Is there any part of IIA

that isn't some kind of Kafka meets Brazil
bureaucratic circle jerk?

See, this is why you lack vision.

Our company mandated biquarterly
circle jerks decrease sexual frustration

and increase productivity by 6%.

Is he joking?
Or is it about to get awesome in here?

New mission. There's a device out there
that we need to reacquire.

So, not awesome.

The Magnetic Pulse Generator.

Magnets? Are we worried someone
will attack a kindergarten science class?

It can wipe out all computer memory
in a mile radius.

And it does this…

[machine revs]

Ooh. Props to the graphics team.

I was skeptical, but they're so worth it.

Wait a second.
I know that death metal device.

[gasps] That's Helga!
How do you know about my Helga?

I have cameras planted everywhere,
including your lab.

How dare you?

Didn't you set up cameras
in all the bathrooms at one point?

Putting cameras in bathrooms is one thing,
but a lab? That is private.

I saw potential in your project if paired
with a proprietary IIA energy source.

But after I stole it from you,
someone stole it from me.

-The Swiss.
-[laughing]

-The Swiss.
-The cheese guys?

[Fabian] 1929. Black Monday. The Swiss.

The Cuban Missile Crisis. Swiss.

1985.The cola wars.

[Pam] That is one alert mob.

These elite Swiss operatives
call themselves "The Invisible Hand."

Oh, yeah. Mother sometimes talked
about them when she was drinking.

She said it was like the entire country
extracted all their warlike impulses

and injected them
into a tiny group of people.

They're going after the Cayman Islands.

Because the global rich are banking there
and not banking in Switzerland.

Oh, no. Rich people problems.

If the Invisible Hand succeeds,
it would throw IIA into financial chaos.

And probably ignite a global war.

Well, that's not good.

Ah, yes, Lana,
the old saying, "War is not good."

So we steal the device back
before the Swiss can use it.

[Cheryl]
With the help of your demolitions expert.

[all] Huh?

I get it. When Ms. Archer was in charge,
she didn't really go on missions,

but I'm a hands-on boss.

-You are not the boss.
-I'm in the chair!

I need this to go by the book.

And since my last leader
is still in the hospital

due to snake and multiple spider bites…

[chuckles]
I forgot that. It was really bad.

…Agent Figgis is leading the mission.

-Obviously.
-[groans] Great.

For the last time, let me say this,

you're not my supervisor!

I quit.

[cries]

Ah, don't worry, bud. She'll be back.

Oh, those Swiss bastards
got their dirty cheese-stinking fingers

all over my beautiful device.

[sniffs] Wait. Where's Cheryl?

Okay, let's go destroy this thing.

Reacquire it.

Uh, I doubt it. Have you met us?

[sighs, chuckles]

[Cyril] So, before the Swiss wipe
the banks' data on the mainland,

they plan to blow up the backup servers
on this drilling platform.

Our job is to intercept them,
then interrogate them

to find out
where they've stored the device.

-So, the device isn't on the rig?
-We don't think so.

To access the rig, we'll enter undetected
through this hatch here.

Then locate and ambush the Swiss.

God, you are so bad at this.

It's like watching a clown car crash
into a birthday party.

Tragic but, at some level, hilarious.

Archer, can you please
put the bourbon down and concentrate?

Scotch. No. And don't you think
you should concentrate?

We're behind schedule.

Because you stopped at the liquor store
on the way to the airport.

Because I knew
you wouldn't stock the plane.

So maybe next time, be more professional.

This from the man
who invented the term "groin taxi".

Ha! Shows what you know.

That was a term I used
to cleverly expense prostitutes.

-We all knew that.
-Lana,

you're only making things worse.
I've got this.

Yeah, Lana. Our leader, Cyril's got this.

Just listen to him
since he's obviously our superior.

Speaking of superiors,

I try to insulate myself
from peasant work,

but this has got to go perfectly.

None of us want to be fired.

Oh, no, not fired.

The thing you threaten us with
every day of our goddamn lives.

You misunderstand.
A mistake this big at our level?

After the firing,
then there's the firing squad.

I'm using wordplay here, of course.

[Archer] Oh, thank God.

They'll probably just poison us.

So, I feel like that imminent death thing
kind of derailed my briefing.

-Any questions?
-Yeah. Why did Fabian put you in charge?

You're, like, notoriously bad
in high-stress situations.

What? Name one time.

Last week, you got hives trying to decide
between "Best" or "Best regards"

-in an e-mail.
-Okay, well, that was a tonal minefield.

I wish it were a real one. And then
we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Who did you think Fabian was gonna pick?

Archer can't do it, Lana's a threat
to power, and Krieger is Krieger.

-There's nobody left.
-I'm left.

You don't know the first thing
about leading a mission, Pam.

I know you've got about 60 seconds

before your tactical lead there hurls chum
into the ocean.

Archer, I told you to leave the booze
on the plane.

[clears throat, gulps]

But I didn't.

Okay, we get on the rig, Lana and Pam
will get any rig workers to a safe room.

-Archer and I will start--
-Hey! Sea turtles! Whoo!

Wha-- You're supposed to stay
more than ten feet away from those!

[Archer] Are you supposed to be sober
when you make new best friends?

Because I'm not doing that either!

[sighs] Lana, a little help here?

I thought I was making things worse,
remember? "I got this."

-[Archer vomits, grunts]
-Called it!

[Archer] That wasn't from drinking.

I ate those menthol chips on the plane
but now that my head's clear,

I have two questions.

What are we doing and which ocean is this?

Explain to me how we can defuse this
if it gets activated.

That's easy. You can't.

Because it's not a bomb.
It's a resonating superconductor.

Once it starts, the pulse gets bigger
and bigger until it tears itself apart.

Well, what can you do?

I don't remember. I built it in--
What do you call it? A fugue state?

By fugue state
you mean shit-arsed on drugs, right?

Of course not!

But that was also happening, yes.

Hey, Lana? Do you ever get the sense that
certain people in this group get ignored?

Mmm, which certain people?

Well, to put it delicately,
the ones with tits.

Thank you for being delicate. But yes.

I can't just force myself to care anymore.
I-- I just wanna do my job and go home.

But I have a lot of great qualities!
I always keep Cheryl in line.

Yeah, I would not lead with that.

Is it just me, or…

[Cyril] Is nobody here?

-[Archer] Great job, Cyril. They got away.
-Who?

Whoever we're capturing, shooting
and/or rescuing.

-How would we shoot and rescue them?
-Hmm, mercy killing?

We're late because of your delays!

Excuse me for being enchanted by turtles,
the world's most mysterious sea creatures.

Oh, come on.
Everyone knows that's narwhals.

[scoffs] Only if the mystery is
"who's overcompensating for something?"

No one's here because Cyril messed up.

Probably due to
his obsession with narwhals.

Let's meet up on the deck
and talk about how much we hate him.

[scoffs]
Narwhals. Basically the Ferrari of tusks.

-Wait. Check for--
-[yelps]

I am called Alessia.
I represent The Invisible Hand.

And that was a warning shot.

How was that a warning shot?
You grazed me.

[chuckles] I'm very good.

[Krieger] I'm baffled by the lack of
pornographic doodling on these schematics.

Are you sure
these IIA folks are real scientists?

Oh, for God's sake.
I'm so fudged right now.

I need to know how to safely transport
this thing now! I'm fudged!

-Is there anyone at IIA you can talk to?
-No! If the board finds out--

-You're fudged?
-I'm fudging fudged!

If you can't figure this out,
I will throw you out of this plane.

Well, there is a way to disable it
before it goes off, but it's dicey.

Requires extreme precision.

-[groans]
-What?

I was just thinking about
who I was counting on to be precise.

-[whooping]
-[gunfire]

[grunts]

This rig is set to self-destruct.

Don't worry. We've evacuated the workers
and given them little chocolates.

-[siren blaring]
-The Invisible Hand isn't evil,

but if you get in our way again,
you will be eliminated.

Yep, totally non-evil thing to say.

Well, regardless, remember it.

I didn't hear it! Could you say it again?

But slower and turn your chin
to catch the light?

I said, if I see you again,
I'll eliminate you.

Chocolate?

My God.

[gasps] The turtles! If the rig collapses…

What's the plan? Are we stuck here?

No! We still have their ropes.

[beeping]

I am now open to suggestions.

Protect yourselves! Pull your heads
into your beautiful shells!

-What do we do? What do we do?
-Wait! I've got it.

"Best regards." That's the one.

-Goddamn it, Cyril! Jump!
-But we're hundreds of feet--

[screams]

Cannonball!

He really did it.
He's gonna die trying to save turtles.

While drunk.

Well, at least he'll die doing
what he loves.

[Cyril] Being an idiot.

[Lana] Oh, look. It's a visual metaphor
for your leadership.

Hey, that's not fair.

He's right. Because that platform
would've collapsed years ago.

It hasn't gone that badly.

And cue the sharks.

Whoo! Zodiac!

[coughs]

Okay, guys, hop in.

But be careful. There's not a lot of room
with all these turtles.

Just put them back in the ocean!

What? No!
There's like a ton of sharks out there.

-Attracted by your vomit!
-Those are vomit sharks?

-I said, "These are vom"--
-We heard you!

Yet you refuse to embrace the mystery!

Hey, bud, at what point do you think
you'll slow down?

It's to be determined, Pam.

Now, you pack of absolute morons.

You've blown our chance to grab this thing
before it's operational.

-But there's still a chance.
-But it'll be tight. We have to--

Shut that idiocy-production factory
you call a mouth!

You're no longer in charge!

The backup servers are destroyed,

so the banks will scramble
to make physical backups of their data.

Which means they'll be dismantling
their electromagnetic shielding!

Precisely.
But you're not in charge either.

The Swiss will wait for a few hours
for peak vulnerability

and then set it off.

We'll intercept them on the way in.

Uh, explain why we're doing this again?
This sure seems like your mess up.

You're not wrong.

But if the banks go down,
and the world erupts in chaos,

IIA will need scapegoats.

They'll burn you.

[groans]

Hey, Lana? Have you noticed
there's a leadership vacuum

now with Cyril being a little bitch
and all?

-No offense.
-That is not possible.

Oh, my God. I just wanted to do my job
and go home, but it's not working.

So you know what happens now?

-[sighs] I thin--
-I take over and fix everything!

Exactly what I was gonna say.

Okay, platoons. Here we go.

Lana, keep your eyes southeast.

Archer, you look northwest.
Cyril, you look in the other direction.

Uh, I don't remember Fabian
putting you in charge.

[Pam] Pipe down, cadet!

[Lana]
Better listen, Cyril. She means business.

[Pam] Lana! Shut your tits!
Keep this line clear!

You know, for a global banking center,
this place is way smaller than I imagined.

[Cyril] Island fact.

It actually has more registered businesses
than it has residents.

[Pam] Goddamn it, Archer!
Are you drinking again?

"Again" implies that I stopped
at some point, Pam.

And I'm supporting local businesses
against these international Goliaths.

So I'm basically David.

-[Lana scoffs] Except drunk.
-Hey, hey, hey.

David was a musician with eight wives
who killed a dude with a rock.

Does that scream sober to you?

Speaking of human liabilities,
has anyone heard from Cheryl?

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I kind of miss her.

Yeah. Feels like a great moment
for some wildly unhelpful curveball.

[Krieger] Got her!
They just turned her on.

Warming up now.
Getting ready for her big debut.

[inhales deeply]
Ah, Helga. They grow up so fast.

Okay, everyone.
The package is coming in from the south.

Wait. It's coming in way too fast.
They must be in the air!

Well, that simplifies things.

They're running away.

Wait, no, the package is still on track.
How could that-- [gasps]

So she's going to activate it in the air
as she flies over the city.

What a cleverly Beverly.

[Pam] God, she's like a Valkyrie.

Take me to Valhalla.

I've got a wingsuit in the back.

Krieger, take the stick
and continue my intercept course.

No, you fudging idiot! Don't--

[Krieger] Give me back my baby!

Now I will expertly swoop by
and grab the-- [gasps]

-I don't know how to do any of that!
-[grunts]

[both grunt]

Archer, commandeer a vehicle!

-I'm sorry about this!
-Hey!

But would it kill you
to do some maintenance?

Hello officers.

Obviously this truck is mine because
why else would I be holding a pineapple?

To the junkyard!

[sirens wailing]

[tires screeching]

Do you think you could stop
soaking yourself in piña coladas?

Who am I? Jimmy Buffet's carpet?

This is a modified painkiller.
Which is way stronger.

Second, you're not my boss. Pam is!

-Would you put down your damn drink?
-No.

Damn it! I'm out of ammo. Huh.

[grunts]

[driver] Look out!

You guys see that? That was nuts! Right?

[laughs] Stupid Swiss!

It's the Battle of Grauholz
all over again!

[Krieger] Uh, guys?

Any quick tips on landing?

Oh, God! It's happening so fast!

[screams]

[tires screeching]

-[beeping]
-[shushes] It's okay. Daddy's here.

Uh, not to ruin a sweet moment,
which this is absolutely not,

-but is that thing ticking?
-Huh. Guess it is a bomb.

My baby's all grown-up.

[beeping continues]

[guns cocking]

Tell him not to disarm that device!

Yeah, good luck with that!

He doesn't listen to us!

-Green wire?
-Yeah, probably.

-[beeping stops]
-[laughs] Triumph! If a bit anticlimactic.

[groans] I hate how it always works out
for you even when you're being a dick.

You know everyone has been
on my back today.

But in the end, I'm always the best.
To me!

[buzzing, beeps]

-Uh, Krieger?
-Ah, don't panic.

-Oh, good.
-No. Don't panic.

Run!

-Ah!
-Ah!

Get rid of your metals! Guns. Belts.
Commemorative Prussian war coins.

God, this is, like,
the worst airport security line ever.

[whirring stops]

Okay. I think we're--

[whirring starts]

Totally screwed! What the hell, Krieger?

It's oscillating!
It'll get stronger each time!

-Why does it do that?
-Because science is weird!

Take cover!

If we don't stop her,
she'll keep expanding her range

and wipe out all digital data
on the island!

So we need to destroy it?

No! But also yes.

Ah! What are we doing?

Cyril, you're not the leader anymore,
so stop thinking.

Bum-rush this metal chucker
and smash it to smithereens!

[growls, grunts]

Why aren't you letting us save you?

Oh, right. They want this to happen.
Never mind, makes sense now!

Everybody, grab something metal!

Charge!

Now let go!

-[metal clanging]
-Ah!

-Wow. That was a great idea, Pam.
-Right?

[beeping]

[grunts]

Well, that was bizarre.

Don't just stand there, you rich bastard.
Fight!

[grunts, groans]

Those Swiss are fast learners.

Damn their superior educational system!

Not on my watch, sister.

[grunts]

[grunts] Coldcocked!

Does that translate?
Because it's fantastic.

[groans] You again?

[grunting]

I don't know if I want to fight you,
be you, or sleep with you.

[chuckles] Well, let's start with
the first and see how it goes.

[groans]
Ah, man. Now I gotta get a tetanus shot!

-[grunts]
-If you want something done right--

Ow! Fuck! My fucking hand! Oh, look at it!

See you when it's over. Fabian out!

Cover me! I'm gonna try to destroy it.

Ooh!
Is that a Tudor Oyster Explorer! Sweet!

Ow! What the hell?

I maybe shouldn't have chugged
the pineapple.

There were, like, six different rums
in there. And now they're fighting.

[grunting]

[laughs] It's so liberating
not to think all the time.

Here. Take this. You take that.

Krieger, how do we destroy this?

Heads up, you Swiss bitch.

-[whimpering]
-[Cyril] Oh, God. Sorry!

I wa--
I was just trying to knock you down.

-Just shoot it.
-How!

Shoot anywhere
when the magnet is in attract mode.

-Archer, get on!
-Whoa!

Your Amazonian body takes up
too much space, Lana. I can't balance!

Or maybe you can't balance
because you are wasted!

Babysitting me isn't part of your job!
As I've told you many times!

[groans] Shut up and grab the gun.

God. Is there no rhythm to this thing?

Guess not.

[straining]

Oh, I can't look.

[yells]

[both straining]

I hate to mess you up like this.

[grunts]
And here I thought you were enjoying it.

Are we like flirting? I mean this is fun,
but I'd appreciate some clarity.

Just tell me one thing.

Why is Fabian after us?
He's the one who sold us the device.

He did? [sighs]

-Just go.
-Really?

Yeah. I mean we all know Fabian sucks.

I'm not gonna sacrifice a goddess
for a douchebag.

You know, you're much more formidable

than the two idiots
I encountered on the oil rig.

They're lucky
to have an incredible leader.

Aw, shucks. Just get out of here.

Alessia, wait!

You got any more of that chocolate?

[crying] No!

What happened here? Is Archer knocked out?

Nope. He passed out. Unscathed.

[snores]

[coughs] Wow. What a screw-up.

Who knew a pineapple
could hold that much rum?

I blacked out and did something amazing,
right? That's what always happens.

No need to say anything. You're welcome.

Looks like I nailed this.

Oh. Also nailing it? That nail through
your hand, Fabian. [chuckles]

That looks like it hurts.

Well, that's what happens
when you're not as awesome as me.

So, how about the Swiss, right?