Original subtitles

[Lana] But it's Saturday!

[Fabian gasps] It is?

Then I'll ask all the terrorists who threaten to destroy our world

to take the day off.

I just mean I had plans to spend the day with AJ.

And AJ is?

My daughter.

Ah, children.

The time goes so fast. But we're all making sacrifices.

-[glass clinking] -Excuse me, waiter.

More champagne in the next one.

Uh, yeah. Remind me. What's your sacrifice?

Calling you on a Saturday.

It's a simple pickup. An hour max.

-Especially with-- -No, no, no. Please don't say it.

Agent Archer as backup.

Archer? On a Saturday?

As in the day after Friday night?

I don't see the problem.

[chuckles] Obviously. Have you talked to him yet?

No, actually.

He hasn't picked up the phone for some reason.

Oh, yeah. For some reason.

[cell phone buzzes]

[Lana clears throat]

Hey. Archer.

No.

[Archer] Yes, a shower was necessary, Lana.

It was a night of… [chuckles] …many fluids.

First of all, gross.

[Archer] It really was.

Second of all, hurry up. I had a whole special day planned with AJ.

Coney Island, a fancy tea place.

Moist yet firm skin doesn't just happen, Lana.

I'm on step two of ten.

Hey, do you see a pumice stone?

Fabian wants us to pick up a negotiations specialist.

Code name, The Broker.

He's worked with all the major players. Mafia, yakuza, dictators, dirty cops.

[gasps] Cops!

There was something with police last night.

-Whoo-hoo! Police horse! -[horse blusters]

-[siren wailing] -[horse whinnies]

Yeah, there's no way that happened.

[Archer] Then explain these lance calluses.

Anyway, The Broker's a longtime go-between for criminal groups,

which means he has intel on all of them.

But now he's retiring,

so they wanna torture him for info and then kill him.

Which means your shower routine could cost a man his life,

and me my day with AJ!

-Hello! -[muffled] Sorry.

Step five is a face wash.

Let's skip to step ten.

-[toilet flushes] -[Archer screaming]

[Lana] It's not a big deal, Robert.

Just take AJ to the office instead of my place.

[Robert] It's not about the physical distance, Lana.

It's the emotional distance from you working

-instead of spending time with AJ. -I'm not working.

I just wanna show AJ where Mommy works.

Depressing even if true.

-Shut up. -Is that Archer?

-No, it's-- -Hey, Robert.

I want to remind you these are formative years for AJ.

One day, you'll look back and wish--

That you didn't tell me how to parent? I agree.

So, since you are working-- Love the lying to Robert by the way.

Who exactly is taking care of AJ?

Seriously?

[Lana sighs] Yeah, Pam, I'm really sorry--

No. I mean, this is amazing.

Aunt Pam is gonna plan so many great activities.

Not to go all Miss Frizzle, but I might steal a bus.

Just be at the office in 15 minutes, okay?

And one other thing.

-Hello, Pam. Where is-- -Lana's upstairs.

She sent me down to get AJ to bring her upstairs to Lana,

who we've established is upstairs.

And she can't come down because…

She… got her period.

Oh. Well, it's a few days early for her, so I guess she would be unprepared.

AJ, you ready to come along with Aunt Pammy?

No, I don't wanna call you that.

We've been working on boundaries.

Oh. That's okay.

I'll just have to earn it with activities!

Activities with Lana?

Sure.

[Lana] All right. There's The Broker.

But Fabian says he's paranoid, so don't spook him or--

-Hey, Broker! Broker! Over here. -[Lana sighs]

-Damn it, Archer. -I'm too hungover for subterfuge, Lana.

Uh, are you Broker? Or possibly The Broker?

Depends on who's asking.

Vagueness, that's fun.

Hi. Look, we're here on orders from Fabian.

Orders? Someone has the two of you working on a Saturday?

How awful.

[groans] Do not get me started. I had a day planned with my daughter.

And I planned last night around a day that would let me lay passed out near,

but not in, a pool of vomit.

Oh, how dreadful. My sympathies to the both of you.

Oh, it's okay. I just--

Wait, how did we get on this? Fabian wants us to take you in.

Oh, Fabian sent you? Oh, my apologies.

You see, as a negotiator, I often get people

to talk about themselves as a distraction if I need an easy escape.

I call it instant intimacy. [chuckles]

Wait, so you weren't actually sympathizing with me?

Oh, no, with you it was real. But there are a lot of people after me.

Can't be too careful.

Speaking of, Fabian and I had a code word.

Code word? Uh, one moment.

[cell phone buzzing]

[moans]

Might be hard to get that info.

I have a code phrase.

"This was a one-hour job, and I have a gun."

Archer!

But yeah, sorry. [chuckles] We are in a rush.

-Do you have kids? -And flash-bang!

-[groans] Damn it! He got away. -[groaning, coughs]

Like I give a shit. What's my one rule?

-[sighs] No more flash-bangs. -No more flash-bangs.

My otolaryngologist already said I'll be lucky if I'm not deaf by 50.

There. He's going for the platform.

What the hell?

Hey, pal. I'm the one who should be mad. This is a shit bike.

Jesus! Shouldn't these be motorcycle accessible by now?

[bystanders screaming]

Damn it. Hey, has anyone seen a mischievous little man?

-Yea high, strange air of sophistication? -[Lana clears throat]

Lana? How did you--

I got on the train, Archer. The "being good at your job" option.

Ooh, that one's fun. It teaches you animals in English and en Español.

Uh, they used puerco for pig, but cerdo is more common.

Cool! This one's a coloring book.

-Pam, when is my mom getting here? -[elevator bell dings]

Pam? AJ?

Cyril? Why are you here?

Oh, just burning the midnight oil. But midday. That midday oil.

And why are you dressed so casually?

Fine, Pam. You got me.

Sometimes I come in on weekends to be at work

but feel like I can goof off.

W-Why don't you just--

The thought of goofing off during real work hours terrifies me.

[snickers] Lame.

Um, I wanna do something else.

Like play with a pretty dolly, maybe?

[AJ shouts]

[Cyril yelps, grunts]

-FYI, she's working on boundaries. -[Cyril breathes shakily]

[shakily] That's a good boundary.

And it gives me an idea. Activities!

Well, the thing you have to understand is I'm an amateur marathoner,

-so it's easy for me to outrun people. -Maybe average people. Not me.

Says the guy I just outran.

[laughs] Getting on a train doesn't count.

Enough. I'm sorry we chased you, but we do work for Fabian.

-He's just hard to reach on a Saturday. -Must be nice.

Well, I'm still alive, so I'm inclined to believe you.

But let me ask, as agents for Fabian,

do you think he's being honest about his intent to help me?

Aha! You don't trust him.

-It's not-- -Not at all. Zero percent.

-Well, time to run again. -Wait!

There are people out there who actually want to kill you,

and they could be anywhere.

Freeze! The Broker's coming with us.

No, he comes with us.

Does no one take the weekend off?

Okay. Clearly a lot happening. Can we just do a quick roll call?

-Nyet. -Copy that, Russian Mafia.

Oh, goddamn it, Dimitri.

Can we get a move on here?

Oh, and classic Mafia. Thanks, everyone.

Looks like we have Mexican standoff.

[chuckles] Easy. W-We don't use that term anymore.

Plus, none of us want to kill each other,

so it's more of a multicultural awkward dinner party.

Can you not antagonize the mobsters?

Big hand friend is smart.

Now, give us Broker and no one gets hurt.

Except Broker, obviously.

Hey, new idea. I keep The Broker, and everyone else gets hurt.

Because he's under the protection of Sterling Archer.

The world's greatest spy.

I work for The Agency.

Should that mean something?

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Might I suggest an alternative where no one gets hurt?

Especially me. I mean, I get it. No one wants their secrets out.

I'd want me dead too.

Right. It's nothing personal.

For sure. You are okay guy.

Look, comrade. I get it. I mean, I've got secrets too.

Gosh, if people knew

that my grandmeemaw still makes dinner for me every Sunday…

[laughs] My babushka does too!

Come on, so does my nonna. Every Sunday night.

She makes a parmigiana that could blow the--

Oh, damn it. He did it again.

-Hey, did you know he runs marathons? -He must bring that up a lot.

Da, a lot.

Everyone, stop. We want The Broker.

[scoffs] Get in line, buddy.

Hiroshi! We haven't seen the yakuza since the Seattle negotiation.

And now we have to outrun a marathoner

and three criminal organizations on a Saturday, Lana!

No, we don't. I put a tracker on The Broker while we had him.

[sighs] Because we always lose them.

Ready, AJ? I'm not gonna go easy on you just because you're a--

-[yelps, groans] -Whew.

-Let's go again. -Damn, AJ. Where'd you learn to fight?

My mom signed me up for judo classes to help my self-confidence.

-Hi-yah! -[whimpers, groans]

You know, there's such a thing as too much confidence.

Now, remember, AJ, your opponent won't always fight clean,

so it's good to mix in some dirty boxing.

Eyes, throat, groin.

Or standard boxing, hold the dirt. [chuckles]

-[AJ shouts] -[grunts, groans]

-Damn. -[cell phone rings]

[Lana] Hey, Pam. We're still on mission,

but we should be done soon. How's AJ?

Great. She's playing with Cyril.

-No, no, no, no, no! [grunts, groans] -[Pam chuckles]

Toying with him, anyway.

Can you tell her I'll only be gone a little bit longer?

Plus her next few birthdays and most holidays.

Uh, you want me to say that second part?

-No. -[Cyril yelps, groans]

[sighs] Too easy. Can we do something else?

Not sure Krieger's lab is the best place for a child.

Preteen. And why are you still in pads?

That last throw, which I let you do, jammed the zipper.

It'll be fine.

Just don't touch anything or listen to anything that tells you to free it.

Dang it. Locked.

Probably for the best. Now, who wants--

My mom always keeps an extra bobby pin in her hair, so I do too.

Is it normal to be intimidated by a child?

For you? Absolutely.

-[groans] You've gotta be kidding me. -The tracker says he's in there.

So now, I'm at Coney Island without my daughter.

Yeah, it's not a good look for you. [gasps]

-Oh, my God. -You see him?

[Archer] Oh, I see him.

We are mid-mission!

[Archer] And mid-Saturday!

Wow! Is that a Raman spectrometer?

Maybe. How do you know that?

Mom sent me to science camp.

It was right after musical theater camp. We did a production of STOMP.

Aunt Pammy would love to see that.

Not calling you that, and I don't perform on command.

Great boundaries!

Whoa!

A sensory deprivation tank?

But why does it have so many wires?

-AJ, no! -[shrieks] It's opening!

Kill whatever comes out!

[gasps] What day is it?

It's Saturday?

What year?

The same one?

You are unbelievable.

I know. Winning Poinkers on my first try? Do you know how impressive that is?

They glue those bottles down, Lana.

I'll be impressed if you help me find The Broker and get back to AJ.

I actually got this for AJ.

I know what it's like to have a mother who's neglectful--

And withholding.

-Wait, there he is. -[Archer groans] Can we not?

-[Archer grunts] -[yelps]

[inhales sharply, groans]

Honestly, I'm glad it's you two. You seem like my best option.

Of all bad options.

But Fabian's better than the criminals who wanna kill you.

-Eh, tough call. -Stop making this take longer!

-I've already lost half the day with AJ. -Half the day of one weekend.

It's not one weekend. There's always some mission, or emergency,

or moron who won't take our help. No offense.

I just feel like I'm blowing it as a mother.

-I know how you feel. -You have kids?

Oh, God, no. Had an absent mother. It drove me to a life of crime.

Please? Please, Pam?

-Okay. Just this once. -This feels like really bad babysitting.

-We're not giving her a gun. -It's okay.

Grandma gave me shooting lessons every year for my birthday.

Except when I was in Europe because she said,

"They traded the right to bear arms for having limp fries."

Fine. But no automatic weapons.

[snarling, hissing]

Nobody move.

-Aw. Hi there, kitty. -AJ, you shouldn't--

[imitates snarl] That's what you sound like.

Aw, look how ferocious you are. A ferocious little predator.

-What in the damn zookeeper hell? -[gasps]

Language, Pam.

-What are you doing here? -It's Saturday.

Babou likes to use weekends to mark new territory.

So that means the shooting range is now covered in ocelot urine?

Yeah. Let's say it's just the shooting range.

[gun firing]

-That's alarmingly good grouping. -[blows]

Holy crap. Who are you even?

It's just a hobby.

Seriously, who is this kid?

-[alarm blaring] -Hmm. That's weird.

[Lana] How does it not worry you?

Most things don't worry me.

I don't know what you're talking about, so those two reasons.

I mean the idea that we're ruining AJ.

Lana, a million things will ruin AJ.

Us, weird friends, a bad week at summer camp.

Wait, that's your answer? She's already ruined?

I loved my summer camp.

I keep my jogging shoes in the basket I made.

We get it, you run!

We're all messed up by something, Lana.

There's murderers with great parents.

All you can do is what you're already doing.

Try your best, and hope you get lucky.

That actually helps a little. Thanks.

Hey, Pam. We've got The Broker. Everything's fine.

We'll be at the office in ten minutes.

[Pam] Cool. Uh, might wanna make it sooner.

[chuckles] Oh, boy.

Why would all these criminal organizations go to our office?

Maybe because an idiot told them who he was and where he worked?

I mean, that's one option.

To be clear, we're driving toward a building full of people

who want to torture and kill me, correct?

I don't wanna put plans in their mouths, but probably.

Ah. Then I'll be getting out now.

You didn't check him for weapons?

It's Saturday.

-Uh, you can just pull over anywhere. -Oh, shoot me.

I am saving my daughter, you jackhole.

No sense dying for her daughter.

Uh, technically she's my daughter too.

You two have a child together?

Yes, but not through sex. This woman took my sperm to have a baby.

Oh, my God.

Go on.

-Yeah, and then she never told me. -I told you when I was ready.

After AJ was born during a coup!

Not that you cared because you abandoned her.

So you faked a kidnapping to make me care?

Only the first kidnapping. The other one was real.

Anyway, she's back from Switzerland, she barely knows me as a father,

and her mother is going through a divorce.

You know what? We gotta save this kid.

Listen up, people. Until Archer and Lana get back,

as the babysitter, I'm in charge.

-Yeah, of the kid. -You wanna try me?

Not yet, but keep yelling!

You three, load up in the armory, then run and gun these mofos.

-AJ, "mofos" means-- -I know.

I'll find AJ a place to hide until it's over.

"Over," meaning we win?

Sure.

[groans] Not this again!

Oh, well.

Wait, wait, wait! We all want same thing, yes?

The Broker dead and bloody.

Then maybe we work together, comrades.

Oh, come on. Look at us.

The Broker connecting us one last time. This guy's the glue, you know?

God bless that soon-to-be-dead man.

Can't you rig up an explosive that will take them out all at once?

Hey! No back seat bomb building!

We didn't tell you how to make your terrible ties.

-Wait, you think I make my ties? -[elevator bell dings]

[yelps]

-AJ, I need you to hide in the lab. -But I can help. I swear, I'm ready.

I know you are, honey. But you shouldn't have to be.

So Pam's got this one, whether you call her Aunt Pammy or not.

All right, fellas! Don't tell Mom the babysitter's 'bout to kick your ass!

[grunts]

[whimpers]

-Taking a lot of bullets here! -Do you want me to rush this bomb?

No, but I don't love being shot!

And I don't love criticism!

Wait, wait, wait! You didn't isolate the blast radius! It'll take us all out--

[coughs] How are we not dead?

I built it so all the murder went that way.

[coughing] Are you a demolitions expert now?

It's more of a hobby/religion for me.

Come out, little girl. Ivan will not hurt you.

Ivan will just trade you for Broker, and give puppy.

You like puppy, huh?

-[snarling] -[gasps, screaming]

This is for making me come to the office on a Saturday!

Sorry! Apologies. Uh, Jacob, always a pleasure.

[clicking]

[clicks]

[both grunting]

Tell me where my daughter is or I will rip out your eyes

and shove 'em up your ass so you watch my fist punch down your throat.

I don't even know who you are.

-Mommy! -AJ!

Sweetie, what did we say about gunfights?

-Serpentine! -Oh, how adorably competent.

Hey, drop your guns! Do it!

-Bombs too? -Cheryl!

All right, let's all be cool.

Said the man holding my child as a human shield.

-Preteen. -This is a babysitter's worst nightmare.

Yeah, you're definitely not getting a tip.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's all settle down.

Big Tony, this isn't like you.

I know! It's just, this didn't go down like I thought it would, all right?

So, more problems with Angie?

She wants a big wedding, and all the guests are her friends.

-So-- -[phone rings]

Damn it!

Is that an Irish jig?

Dance camp!

Damn it! If they kill him, we wasted a whole Saturday for nothing.

AJ, honey. I'm so sorry, but--

Go. I'll stay with Aunt Pammy.

Sh-She called me Aunt Pammy. I earned it!

-He went this way. -I'll get my car and meet you.

I'm pretty sure I left it in the garage last night.

Hmm, but not totally sure.

-[whinnies, blusters] -Sergeant Strawberry!

-[whinnying] -Is that a-- [yelps]

Yes, Lana! It's a lance!

That's them up there. [groans] Could you ride a little smoother?

Sure, Lana. Let me shift Sergeant Strawberry's gears.

[crashes]

[groans]

Here, take the reins.

-[Archer screaming] -I'm only saying, Dimitri--

[Dimitri grunts, groans]

[laughs] Was that, like, 20 feet? That's gotta be a record!

-I don't know. Felt closer to ten. -Hey!

You have running. Let me at least have this.

-Broker! I'm thrilled to see you alive. -It's one of my favorite things to be.

Second only to wine tasting at your vineyard, of course.

-How's the harvest? -Ah.

If the mildew doesn't get my sauvignons, the beetles will.

Then we must hurry to get those grapes in a glass.

[laughs]

Oh, how I've missed you. [laughs]

-Okay, what's your trick? -And does it work on daughters?

Instant intimacy? Well, the trick is there is no trick.

I connect because I genuinely care.

Like how you both care about your daughter.

See, Lana, the criminal negotiator thinks we're good parents.

Mmm, not what he said.

Wait, where's AJ?

She's fine. She wanted to wait in Grandma's office.

[liquid pours]

That had better be juice.

Mommy.

AJ, I'm so sorry. I wanted this to be your best Saturday ever.

But it was! I saw your office, and played with Babou,

-and fired a gun, and-- -Pam!

What matters is we're all safe.

The takeaway here is she called me Aunt Pammy.

And we all helped babysit, which deserves compensation.

-You're a multimillionaire. -But I'm not a chump!

Amen, sister!

Can we watch cartoons now?

I would love that.

Oh, God. Yep… [coughs] …it's juice.

Oh, my God, I still taste it. Someone get me some whiskey!