All language subtitles for Archer_S13E01_The Big Con.en.closedcaptions

[Archer breathes heavily]

[agent laughing]

Just give it up, Fabian.

[laughing continues]

Ow! Oh, man.

-[bell dings]
-[audience cheering]

Dang it. This was my year
for the Agent Skills competition.

I put it on my vision board
and everything.

Next to the sunset?

Above the sunset.

Wow. I can't believe that didn't work.

Well, maybe next time,

and I know this sounds crazy,
you could try not sucking.

Well,
you don't have to be a dick about it.

Have to? No.

But then I wouldn't be able to tell you
that the Treaty of Versailles called

and it wants its total failure
to achieve any of its stated goals back.

Also, it's sorry about Europe.

Well, if you're so great,
why is your intel so bad?

My name's not Fabian.

Oh, I know that. That's my boss's name.

Yelling it gets me in the mood
to shoot people that I pretend are him.

Well, you got lucky.

Sure. Though, in a mirror maze,

maybe consider not putting on
a gallon of cologne

that smells like... [sniffs]
...gasoline and decaying hobo foot.

Ow! Now, what was that for?

You're still wearing it.

Hello, "Clandesti-Con,"
where spying meets sweaty buffet food.

Who wants a brochure for IIA,

the soulless company
that is making us do this?

Come on, Lana.
Let's have some fun with it.

We'll take these lemons and make…

Concentrated citric acid
to spray in our own eyes?

-I have some in my purse if you need it.
-This isn't so bad.

When I temped at IIA,
they were trying to increase productivity,

so they docked your pay
if you peed more than twice a day.

[groans] I hate this company.

Nice job in the competition, Archer.

Though, calling your opponent Fabian
raised eyebrows. These two specifically.

Well, despite the fact
that you're praising me,

which makes it nearly impossible
for me to not like you,

I still definitely want to murder you.

Today is a crucial day for all of you.

We are launching The Agency
as a distinct boutique branch of IIA.

Wait, really? We'll have autonomy?

Yes. Exactly as much autonomy
as Kermit the Frog.

Yo, you think Miss Piggy is abusing him?
I know she plays rough, but…

I get the feeling he enjoys it.

Who wouldn't?
Roughed up by a pig in jewelry?

No, I mean you'll be a thin piece
of fabric with my hand up your ass.

Where's your sense of wonder?

IIA represents 60% of private spying.

But some clients are too mired
in the past.

They want a personal touch. Authenticity.

That's what you lot are for. To fake that.

So, pretend we're independent
to make IIA more successful,

and allow you to ruthlessly exploit us.

Welcome to the concept of a job.

Now, I'm giving the keynote
for the conference later today.

A speech entitled,

-"Leadership as a Network."
-[yelps]

You can't just say,
"noun as a different noun"

-and pretend that it means something.
-Sure I can.

I call it "Language as a Weapon."

Now, Archer, you need to win
the Agent Skills competition

if we're going
to launch The Agency properly.

By the way, the board hates the idea.

They'd rather you were
completely broken up and redistributed.

So, Archer, our fate is in your hands.

-Oh, come on.
-Well, sayonara, guys.

You know what? I'll be honest with you.

That's a responsibility
I take very seriously.

[Archer] Round of
Glengoolie Blues, please.

I'm looking for one of you
to take the mantle of leadership.

Under me, of course. So, dot, dot, dot.

Are the dots supposed
to make me love stickers?

Damn it. I should be in the competition
with Archer.

No, Lana, I need you here.
Front and center.

And don't be afraid to get out there
and really be diverse.

Remember, a personal touch.

You heard him, sweetheart.
A personal touch.

Hey, would you like some stickers?
They're edible.

-[chuckles] They don't look edible.
-Anything's edible if you try hard enough.

-[grunting]
-Oh, lucky.

Should we do something?

Like make popcorn? Or what?

-[agent groans]
-Now where is she going?

-[grunts]
-[bell dings]

[audience applauding]

I, uh, think you got me.

[Archer] See? You just get me.

I do feel a responsibility
to keep my mother's legacy alive,

but on the other hand, now I don't have
to worry about being yelled at

by the one person in the world
who scares me.

So, do I go with responsibility,
or do I go balls to the wall,

or, more accurately, balls to the wall,

then through that wall
into an adjoining wall

that's probably load-bearing?

[gulping]

So, which is it?

[sighs]

I'm thinking.

[person] I thought that was you, Lana.
Finally.

Robert? What the hell?

Did you just fly all the way to Dubai
to hear me say,

"Talk to my divorce lawyer"?

Yes. It was on the way to Abu Dhabi.

Now, I get that I'm the one
who's mostly at fault here--

-Mostly?
-But you aren't blameless.

And we need to think about
what's best for AJ.

Oh. Is that why you nailed that skank?
For AJ?

What, were you looking
for a parenting book

between her piss flaps?

No, th-that's not where they keep those.

What are you even worried about?
We signed a prenup.

Well, there is the issue of custody.

Excuse me?

I'm just being realistic.
It was your job that got AJ kidnapped.

To a judge,
that sounds like an unsafe environment.

And if they put AJ on the stand,

-are you 100% sure she chooses you?
-[growling]

Why do you have teeth marks on your elbow?

I'll show you. Do you like stickers?

I-I'm sensing you need space.

-What?
-Shouldn't you be back at the booth?

No, because what I do is kick ass.

And I should be in the competition
so I can take over when Archer screws up.

Come now.
Archer is reliable when he needs to be.

He's resting right now for his next round.

Mmm. Did he specify the type of round?

[Archer] Whoo-hoo! [gulps]

[laughing]

I'm not totally convinced
that's a downside.

It's like his liver absorbs alcohol
and excretes luck.

Having said that,
you can stay in the competition.

Thank you. I was going to anyway,
you absolute turd. But thank you.

[Archer] The competition
is basically a formality.

I'm generally considered
the world's greatest spy.

Yes, you absolutely were.

You know,
I used to be a spy just like you.

Oh, who'd you spy for? The Etruscans?

[chuckles] Indeed.
In this biz, one minute,

you're the greatest thing
since the 3:00 p.m. dinner special,

and the next, dog shit on a bun.
My advice: Buy mustard, lad.

Why would I buy mustard to eat myself?
So you think about that.

[groans] Why are you in such a great mood?

Why don't you ask your face? [laughs]

My face says Robert's gonna fight
for custody of AJ.

Um, can he do that?

When you have that much money,
turns out you can pretty much do anything.

Why is AJ not picking up?

A kid not picking up a phone call? Weird.

Did you try her telegraph
or lighting the signal fires of Gondor?

[sighs] Why is everything so complicated?

Because you're divorcing
one of the world's richest men/ex-boss,

who wants custody of the daughter
you had with a different coworker.

Well, uh, sure, but--

All while you work
for a corporate behemoth

that seems to be trying
to take over the world.

Yes. All of that, I guess.

Well, I've discovered the answer
to all those problems, Lana.

It's simple, it's easy, and it's right
at the bottom of this glass.

[gulping]

Well, it wasn't at the bottom
of that one, but I'm no quitter.

Behold, an audio bug. Ooh.

And that's all it does.

The wonders of IIA science.

A microphone.
Truly groundbreaking… for 1876.

Hey, what's that new one
you're working on called? The wheel?

[both laughing]

Got him good, Ikari.

I am working
on something called the wheel,

but it's a sex thing
that I can't build at work.

And you call that justice?

Okay, look, I get it.
IIA might not be the "cool upstart rebel,"

but this ain't The Breakfast Club.

And Judd Nelson doesn't end up
with Molly Ringwald.

He ends up at the bottom
of a lake wearing concrete shoes

with my fucking initials on 'em.

That's the power of IIA with The Agency
as your personal concierge.

I'm intrigued.

And tell 'em Ray Gillette sent ya.

Wha-- Stealing my customers, really?
You think that'll get you Malory's chair?

All's fair in love and-- Ow!

-[yelps]
-Damn it.

-[clears throat]
-The hell did you come from?

A good leader always keeps tabs
on his team.

So, spying on us?

How is it that passing out brochures
is somehow beyond you?

And why are you standing there nodding?
I said I wanted leadership.

You look like a bobblehead
they give away to raise awareness

for diabetic librarians.

Technically, I'm prediabetic.

Oh, what are we gonna do about that guy?

Complain and then nothing?
This is fun. Ask me another one.

Here's some fun.
I just put a bug on Fabian.

If we get dirt on him,

maybe then he'll approve my design
for the Gun Bomb.

-You see, it looks like a gun--
-Or improve working conditions.

Yeah, we were promised curated snacks.

At this point,
your blood's just melted Otter Pops, huh?

Well, you guys have fun.

I'm off to find the best part
about every convention: the party room.

Oh, if Fabian comes back,
tell him he can gnaw on my chode.

[laughing]

Yeah, I'm not gonna tell him that.

Come on! Let's hear some bottles poppin',
maybe some fun, squishy noises.

Whoa. Now, that's contraband.

Not following you. I'm not following you.
Just checking stuff out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who's ready to "Pampage"?

[guns cocking]

Oh, wrong party.

Hey, get her.

[agents grunting]

[laughing]

I need to party at work more often.
We are gonna crush this next event.

Whoa, Lana.

High-fiving is one of those things
you should never do when drunk,

like bomb disposal
or helping deliver a baby.

-Haven't you done both of those?
-That's how I know.

All right. Now, nobody worry,
'cause Archer and I have been resting--

-[yelps]
-Shit.

[panting] Guys, there is a-a room,
guns, lots.

Like, they're probably coming--

Kinda sounds like you're coming.
Kaboom! That's a new thing I do.

No, you don't,
and it doesn't even sound like that.

How would you know?

Solid burn.
But, Pam, look at the security here.

They don't allow guns on the floor,
so what would they even do?

-[radio static]
-Whoa. Hold on, guys.

Something's happening with Fabian.

[Fabian, through radio] No! You'll pay
for this! You'll never take me alive!

[grunting, struggling]

Okay, so you took me alive.

So, uh, what?

Okay, now that we've had a moment
to process… What?

Wh-- Why are the kidnapping him?

They're probably trying to humiliate IIA.

It's right before his speech,
so they'll have to admit he's kidnapped,

and if they can't protect their own,
then how are they gonna protect you?

Then they parade him,
and then they kill him.

What? We were all thinking it.

Does this solve everything?

Yeah, except he said that the board
would break us up and redistribute us.

Wait, are we actually gonna save Fabian?

No. We're gonna save Fabian.
You two have to win that competition.

We still need a splash for The Agency.

Plus, if you dropped out,
the kidnappers will know something's up.

[groans] I really wish
I hadn't had that many drinks.

Me too. But the opposite.

So what's your next event?

Nearing the drop zone. If you are to die,

please take comfort in the fact
that it will not upset me at all.

[groans] Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Wow. Is it Dartmouth
freshman orientation already?

Seriously, if you were any more of
a lightweight, you'd be levitating.

Should we be, like… [gags]
…more concerned about this Fabian thing?

Nah, the rest of the gang is on it.

-Well, we could--
-Ooh! Or we could, um…

I hate to ask,
but who got kidnapped again?

Still no call back from AJ.

I'll text her and tell her
that I'll take her out this weekend

-and do whatever she wants.
-[imitates buzzer] Wrong!

You just demanded more time
from her and now she just resents you.

Text her that you were thinking of her

and how proud you are,
then write, "No need to respond."

How do you know this stuff?

It helps that I've never moved past
emotional adolescence.

This event is very simple.

Five briefcases, five spots in the finals.
No weapons. Any question?

[grunting]

[Archer] Whoo-hoo!

Johnny Utah!

[both grunt]

-[groans]
-'Scuse me.

'Scuse me.

-[grunts]
-Pardon me.

-[agents grunting]
-'Scuse me. Pardon me.

[agent grunt]

[both grunt]

Falkor, away!

[grunts]

[grunting]

[yells, grunts]

[yelps] I guess we're interpreting
"no weapons" pretty liberally.

[both grunting]

-[gags, vomits]
-[yells] Disgusting!

Uh, let's not tell anyone about this.

[agent] No, no, no, no, no. No!

[grunting]

Decent trade.

-[gamemaster] Altitude warning. Pull now.
-[beeping]

-[screaming]
-You big baby. Just use your backup chute.

Unless we were way lower than I thought.

Really should have been
keeping tabs on that. Oh, well.

-[Cyril] Well what?
-Well, catch me up.

[chuckling]
You've been here the whole time.

Quiet down!

We're trying to flirt our way
to finding out

who booked that conference room
full of dudes and guns.

And striking out. O for two.

I don't know, y'all. I can't get a read.
He's like a sexual Rubik's Cube.

Or as I call it, a Rubik's Cube.

Maybe I should give him a try.

I've developed a sexual nervous system
stimulator I call the wheel.

Okay, I'll bite.
Why is it called the wheel?

Because once it gets rolling,
there's no stopping it.

Any other ideas? Literally anything.

[sighs] Can I help any of you in some way
that does not involve, and I quote,

"a hot beef enema"?

-That wasn't me!
-I panicked!

Just stand right there. Hold on.
Keep standing.

-Really, I don't have time for-- Oh. Oh!
-And you're welcome.

-[clerk moaning]
-Got it!

Whoever booked a conference room
is staying in the Sultan suite.

-You ever lend that thing out?
-Sure.

Just clear your schedule because it goes
for, like, a couple of days.

[clerk sighs]

-So, we enter, clear the guards--
-With what? We don't have guns.

Guys, in the dealer's hall,
there's a ton of nonlethals in there.

Tasers, air hammers,
something called a KnifeLight.

Well, then let's get sampling.

-All right. We're in the finals.
-It's getting intense.

They tried to kill us.

How are things here?

Great! We've located Fabian
and the kidnappers,

-and we've got a plan to get him back.
-You do? I was assuming you'd fail.

And why would you think that?

Because you're you?

-This was the plan.
-I didn't think it would work.

Are we really saving this guy?
He sucks, I hate him,

and he's gonna make us do bad jobs
for terrible people.

You think I want this? All I want
is to do my job and go home.

But if we get fired,
that's not gonna help my custody problem.

Custody problem?

If you need me to give Robert
a personal tour of an industrial thresher,

-say the word.
-No.

-Got it.
-No, you don't.

[whispers] Okay.

But I mean, saving Fabian
is the only way we stay together. Right?

We'll figure the rest out,
but not if we're separated.

Y'all-- Y'all are family.

Oh, my God. Is this what it's come to?

Acting responsibly? Ugh. Fine!

Let's go save a jerk's life,
thereby making the world a worse place.

-Yay for the good guys.
-Should we even do the competition?

If you drop out now, the kidnappers
will know something's up and kill Fabian.

-So what's the final event?
-Gonna be hard to top skydiving.

[audience cheering]

And now it's time to reveal
the final event

of the Clandesti-Con
Agent Skills Competition.

Your final event
will be King of the Train!

[train horn blaring]

Holy shit.

Forget responsibility.
I'm gonna be king of the train.

[audience cheering]

Stay on your toes. One of us has to win
to keep The Agency alive and--

Uh, yeah, whatever.

I'm gonna be king of the train.
Toot, toot!

Ugh. Everyone in position?

Yeah, but this stuff
from the dealer's hall

isn't the most intimidating.

I don't even know what this does!

[coughing]

-Yeah, we're gonna need a few minutes.
-[Archer] I'll signal you at the start.

Chances are they'll be distracted

watching the closed circuit feed
of my glorious victory.

If you touch the ground
or get hit by a paintball, you're out.

You start with no weapons,

but you may find some
at points on the train,

as well as a few surprises.

Now, the time has come to find
the most skilled agent in the world.

Three, two, one,

-begin!
-[grunts]

-[groaning]
-Shocking!

-Kaboom!
-[grunting]

[grunting]

-[whistling]
-[grunts]

-[yelps]
-[grunts]

-[grunts]
-[yelps]

-[laser beams]
-[grunts]

Oh, KnifeLight! Now I get it.

Hold still, Cirque du suck-ass!

We're leaving.
Nobody move or Fabian gets it.

[grunts] Do what he says!

[audience cheering]

Archer, duck!

[grunts]

[grunts]

God, you couldn't just duck?

You know I have trust issues, Lana.
Which you are partially responsible for.

-How?
-I don't know but it feels right!

Oh, now she has a jetpack
and a machine gun? How is that fair?

[screams]

[gasping]

Still want that jetpack?

I know you want me to say no,
but the answer is still yes!

[clicks]

[Pam] We need backup.
They're bringing Fabian to the floor!

Throw me the gun!

-It's empty!
-Just throw it to me.

[giggles] Man, this is such a bad idea.

-[yells]
-[grunts]

[audience gasping, clamoring]

-[both screaming]
-[horn blaring]

[Archer] Look out!

[murmuring]

Everyone, this is what we think of IIA.

Lana. Lana, do something.
Lana, I know you're faking.

No. I'm very, very unconscious.

[sighs] Why am I always
the responsible one?

And so I don't shoot Fabian for me.
I shoot him for--

[Archer yells, grunts]

-[audience cheering]
-[gamemaster] What an amazing performance.

Congratulations to the King of the Train,
Agent Lana Kane,

representing The Agency,
a boutique subsidiary of IIA.

-Goddamn it.
-Thank you. Thank you.

You're too kind.
And great work by The Agency.

Now, that was obviously
a fake kidnapping and assassination,

but they didn't know that.

In fact,
this was the demonstration portion

of my talk, "Leadership as a Network."

I turned this unruly bunch
into a finely honed fighting force.

Sterling Archer himself
stepped between me and a bullet,

despite the fact that he hates my guts.

That is the power of leadership.

Well, thank you all
for helping me with my speech.

So, who gets to be head of The Agency?

I gave away the most brochures. Kaboom!

Jesus, Cyril. Not the time.

But it's me, right?
See me lead that mission?

Actually, it's Agent Gillette.

So, uh, what?

Because he understood the true mission.

He's been gathering dirt
on all of you for years,

which he has compiled
in this very convenient binder.

Like, "Pam once snuck a goat
into the office. No one knows why."

I was fostering it!

"And the next week, she brought in
goat meat tacos for everyone."

That goat's personality was very toxic.

Well,
I'm sure you have a lot to talk about.

You backstabbing son of a bitch.

In my defense, I did not know
he was gonna tell everybody.

-[phone buzzes]
-Oh. [chuckles] Look.

You know, you're good at this, Archer.

It'll take time, but maybe you should
get more involved.

You're right. And you know,
I didn't wanna let you win.

But up there on the train,
I suddenly had this idea.

Being declared the best agent
in the world,

that's gotta help your custody case
for AJ, and that keeps her in my life.

Aw, buddy.

That won't affect the case at all.
They don't consider that kind of thing.

Goddamn it. That's it.

I've learned a very valuable lesson today.

Making the responsible choice
is for suckers.

Until now,
I've been the careful, restrained,

subtle, rule-respecting Archer.

-What?
-But that is over.

Welcome to the new Archer.

I'm gonna go find two bottles of whiskey,
three women,

a full-color illustrated edition of
the Kama Sutra,

and six gallons of orange sports drink.

I will see you all, one,
when I feel like it,

and two, in hell.

Goddamn it.