Original subtitles

Hey. You don't know me.

I don't know you.

Twice in my life,

I've had to deliver bad news to someone I'd never met.

Hey...

The first time involved a cat

that ran out in the middle of my driver's test.

This time was a bit trickier.

Hey...

Are you waiting for me to say something?

No. Okay.

I don't know where to start.

Well, why don't you start from the beginning?

Okay. Okay. Um...

Hello.

What?

Grandma.

Turn that down!

Grandma, what's the matter?

All of my life, my grandfather told me,

never pick up the phone on the first ring. What?

And now he was dead.

What? What happened?

I was the first one my grandmother called.

I waited until I could see straight

before I broke the news to my dad.

You may remember him as the Spiffy Peanut Butter kid.

My dad's the one with the spoon in his mouth.

What is it, son?

Something is stuck to my tongue.

Must be weird to have your career peak at 8.

Now, he works mostly in obscure foreign films.

removing her clothes, he's massaging her breasts.

Let me see that in your eyes.

Maybe you're gonna get caught

They're not supposed to be doing that.

Could we just cut, please?

Don't answer that. Hello.

Look sexy.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Smoky eyes...

What?

That's it. Touch yourself.

Keep goin'. That's good.

That's it. No, I'll call them. I'll call them.

Dearest Judge...

Excuse me?

My client...

Name? Oh, it's, uh... Lace.

Miss Lace

was engaged in a consensual servicing

of an entrapable member.

Are you an attorney?

Talk to me.

Counselor.

What?

Whoa.

Okay, now put the eggs down

without breaking them and without using your hands.

Come on, guys, we're...

What's he doing?

Watch.

We don't have time for this, guys, all right?

Ugh, no good can come of this.

Nice. Can we go now?

Do a shoulder stand.

Guys, come on. We've got this funeral.

Grandpa's not going anywhere.

Get in the car.

Get the bowl onto the table without spilling.

Ugh...

This is why your mother left us.

She was a hack.

I've seen better moms on TV.

I know.

I don't even know why we're going.

I mean, he was your dad.

Maybe he left you something.

He probably left it all to wifey.

Nana.

I know.

He picked the perfect time

for this one, didn't he? Huh?

Huh, Burt?

You know, it's two weeks before his birthday.

The one day that was more important to him

than his goddamn job,

and now he's managed to fuck this up, too.

Sorry.

Nice work, Pop.

Is everybody coming?

Yeah. The asylum will be full.

I can't believe Grandpa's not gonna be there.

I know, sweetie.

You're doing the right thing.

You're fully experiencing the loss.

And when you're ready, take a deep breath in...

like that.

Try to really maximize the feeling.

Feel it really intensely.

And then as you exhale...

just try to let those feelings go, okay?

He just died.

Yeah.

I know.

But, believe me, it's the way

your grandfather would have wanted it.

To be dead?

Ugh.

Oh, where can she be?

Where's my little tubby turtle?

I'm not a turtle. I'm Katie.

Well, I'm looking for someone

to help me eat...

I will, Pom-Pom.

A hot-fudge sundae.

You okay?

Come on. Let's go find your grandmother.

I don't see why you'd wanna wait.

They have a right to know.

No, it's my decision now.

Fair enough. Hello? Mom?

You have an appointment with the parson tomorrow.

I don't think so.

There she is.

Danny boy.

Hey, Lance. Good to see you, son.

Grandma.

Oh, baby.

Oh... You know what?

He loved you and your daddy

more than anybody else in the family.

I know that's not true, but thanks.

No, really!

He couldn't even remember the names

of his other two children.

Three children.

Oh. Always thinking of others.

Hey, Mom.

Burt, do I have to grab everything? Well, I have to go.

Are you sure you're okay?

I feel as if I finally have a chance

to do something with my life.

Good.

Ahhh! Sorry. Alice. Glad to see you.

Lance. Katie, Katie, Katie.

Oh, Alice. What are we gonna do?

I think I'll just take my old room,

and then... Danny.

Hey, Alice. Hi.

Oh, I was just waiting to see you on television, huh?

Well, you may not have to wait very long.

I actually...

Right. I'm just... Mother...

God! I'm trying to get to the sorrow.

I really am, but I still feel so angry.

I mean, I want to just grab him and shake him

and say, "How dare you?"

"How dare you go out that back door"

"with your little suitcase?"

"I mean, where in God's name are you going this time?"

I'm okay, though. I'm okay. I'm sorry.

Oh! I've never heard you say that word.

Well, we don't have to make a talk show out of it, do we?

Burt!

Don't tarry. Don't tarry.

Hi, Burt. Hi, kids.

Hey, Burt. Look, we've had a very difficult trip.

So, we should probably just consider

what everybody wants to eat,

and that way, we can just make one dish

that suits the group...

Alice and her husband Burt

had managed to produce three silent children.

My tribe only eats bread and American cheese

in various forms, so, I mean...

I could make this dish I think everybody might enjoy.

This little casserole that I like to make.

I'm sort of famous around my house for making it.

Have you said hello to your grandmother?

Let me take a look at you three.

Stop looking like she's gonna bite you.

She's not gonna bite you.

Stop it. Stop feigning those fake little twitches

that you're doing. We've talked...

My grandmother always said

she wished Alice came with a mute button.

If you think it's any better at any of your friends' houses,

if you think it's any better at their house,

you can just pack your bags and move in with them.

Ah, that's better.

All right, treat everybody with respect, okay?

Let's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

He wants us to say, "No, thank you,"

instead of, "Eat my ass Jell-o."

Hey, stop it. All right?

Stop it, for Christ's sakes.

Where do you guys learn that shit?

Mom... Sorry about Dad.

Yeah... Mmm...

You remember the boys?

How could I forget them?

Hey, G.

So, what did he leave us?

Your grandfather's will won't be read

until after the funeral.

Talk about being early.

Seriously, man.

God, dude. You always hit me first. He pushed me.

Hey, Skipper. Hey.

Oh, why do terrible things always come in threes?

I see Alice is already rifling through the drawers.

No, I'm looking for ingredients.

I'm going to make us all dinner tonight.

Hmm. Hey, Uncle Skip.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, boys. Hi, Katie.

Uncle Skip and the twins

were a little heavy with hormones,

but they were at those ages.

I used to have an Aunt Lily, too,

but they scared her away.

Family legend says that it was

the night before their eleventh birthday.

What the hell is that?

It's your birthday cake.

I was hoping it would be a surprise.

I'm more than surprised. I'm shocked!

This isn't what we ordered.

You don't order your mother.

I spent two days making...

We ordered an erotic cheesecake.

Excuse me?

You're excused.

We'll fix it.

Oh, no.

Oh... What?

What?

They ruined it.

They ruined it.

Well, it's their birthday, right?

Where did they even hear the term,

"erotic cheesecake"?

Hey, somebody's gotta teach them these things, right?

What "things"?

That, that you can make a cheesecake

look like disembodied breasts?

Or an ass.

Katie, sweetheart, I want you

to eulogize your grandfather.

Oh, Grandma, I don't think I can make a speech.

I wouldn't know what to say.

If it were me, I would want you

to say something that made some

sense out of my life.

Something that honored me.

Hey, what about Dad?

Or, um, Skip or Lucy?

Your grandfather wanted you.

And you boys are going to

have to help with the burial.

Your father left very

specific instructions.

Okay.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, ladies.

You remember Skip? Yeah.

And these are his two boys,

Tim and Jim?

Yeah, close enough.

Hi, guys. I'm, uh...

Lucy's life partner, Judy.

Lesbians.

I really can't believe you brought her.

Hello, Alice.

No, it's just I thought you'd come alone. It's family.

Are you starting already?

Oh, no, no, no. It just, it didn't occur to me

to bring my sex toys. Did you bring any sex toys?

You wouldn't know a sex toy

if it left a battery in your vagina.

Oh! My vagina, as you were

so whimsically about to refer to it,

has served as sacred passage

for three anatomically correct children.

So...

Bad image. Erase, erase.

So, who needs a drink?

Let's drink.

My family still observes

the cocktail hour with a vengeance.

This isn't about you, so...

Are you talking to the sex toy?

I'm sure you're a very nice... Lesbian.

Is that the preferred term?

No! No, we prefer "whore."

I think all women do these days.

Well...

I guess I owe you an apology.

Are you working up to it?

So...

What do you girls do?

What do you mean, "What do we do"?

For fun?

Eat out, go to the movies.

Oh, normal stuff.

Drinks. I...

Ladies.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What did you think we did?

No, I, I didn't have a...

I wasn't thinking of something,

and I just...

I don't know what you do.

Do you think we spend all night

triple-tonguing our G-spots?

It's my father's funeral,

so if you could muster up

just a little bit of respect, that would be...

Don't worry. You know, don't worry about Alice.

You think she's gone, she comes back,

you know, like herpes.

Thanks, Skip. Yeah.

So, how are you and Lucy doing?

Well, I mean...

This is just awful.

I know. I hate being around my family, too.

Oh.

Yeah. But, I mean, I mean...

How are you doing... You know...

Physically?

Physically?

Well, yeah. I mean, like you said... What is it?

Triple-tonguing. What is that? Is that a thing...

What are you doing?

Go talk to your mother.

You talk to her, all right? She's a downer.

She's a widow.

She was a downer first.

Just go talk to your mother.

Excuse me. Okay.

Do you need a punch?

Do you want me to punch you? You have real problems.

You don't do that. You don't throw a lemon at me

in front of a lesbian.

Nice goin'.

Me nice going? "The triple-tongue thing"? Yeah, you.

Hi.

My, my dad died when I was 11.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

What size are you?

Me?

Come upstairs.

This is the dress I wore on the boardwalk in 1956.

It's... It's so elegant.

It's yours. I wore it once.

It was a great night.

Maybe the best night of my life.

It's a lucky dress.

I couldn't. Oh, please!

Take them all.

I know we haven't spent that much time together,

but I already know I like you better than I like Alice.

And besides, Katie and Lucy aren't my size.

Thank you.

It's a little bit runnier than usual.

Think I just, I just didn't quite move it,

or put enough cheese in it.

This looks like it fell out of a horse.

Thanks, but I already had my mucus course for the day.

Listen, you shut your spit cave,

you foul-mouthed little shit-fucker

before I beat the living snot out of you.

I'm going down to Doc's to pick up some lobster,

if anyone wants in?

Yes, please.

It's a good idea. Yeah, it's a good idea.

Get some big ones with the big meaty claws. Big meaty claws.

As a side dish, it's fine. Well...

God, it's so good to get out of there.

Katie, it's good to see you.

Oh, Luce, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Well, it's okay.

Nobody else in the family

seems to give a crap.

Yeah, I've noticed.

So, you coming?

Where?

To the wedding.

What wedding?

Isn't that what you're sorry for?

I'm sorry about Grandpa.

Oh, Katie, nobody blames you.

Two for dinner?

No. I called in an order for Collins.

Oh, let me check on that for you.

What wedding?

Judy and I are getting married.

Really?

Vows and everything.

Congratulations.

I sent you an invitation.

No, you didn't.

It's okay. Everybody in the family

is pretending they didn't get it.

I didn't get one.

I, I distinctly remember weeding

the family invites out early. No.

I, I went to the...

I put them... Wait.

I mailed them. I know...

I am such a bonehead!

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Oh!

Well, here you go.

What are you doing down there?

It's Ryan.

Little Ryan from the be... Ahhh!

What are you doing? He could hear you!

Hi.

Little Ryan. My childhood friend.

Since before I can remember,

we spent our summers together.

He always acted like he had a crush on me,

and I always acted like I didn't notice.

It seemed like nothing could ever come between us...

Until the last night of last summer.

Even the ushers who threw us out couldn't pull us apart.

His parents were off camping somewhere

with his little brother,

and everything was perfect.

The flicker of the candlelight,

the gentle dancing of the rain on the roof,

the familiar sound of a car door slamming.

Katie, Katie. Katie!

I never meant for anything to happen between us.

I couldn't let there be any witnesses.

I can heat up some lasagna if you boys are hungry.

Oh, hi... Katie.

Nice to see you again.

Let's hear it. No, no, no.

Come on, do it.

No. One last time.

Okay.

This one's for Dad.

Something is stuck to my tongue.

Oh! There it is.

Wow.

If I ever...

Single bullet.

To my left eye.

This is a good time.

How can this be a good time?

Your dad just died.

My family could use a little good news.

Trust me.

Hey, everyone,

I have an announcement to make.

We sent out some invitations...

Or, at least, I thought we did,

and I was actually getting pretty angry at all of you.

I suspected some sort of con... Ah!

Anyway, myself and Judy...

"Judy and I."

Judy and I would like to...

What is it, Fred?

It's Ted.

What are you laughing at?

I don't know.

But I can't wait to find out

what you two vageniuses are up to.

What did you just say?

Nice vocab word.

What did he just call us? Vageniuses.

It's a compound compliment.

You see what I put up with?

How can you tell me not to scream my fucking head off?

You're losing it. No!

These are the people that you want at our wedding?

Oh, is one of you getting married?

We both are.

To who?

To each other.

Awesome!

How many friends can we bring?

Oh, this is so rich.

Alice... I think it's great.

Very great.

Congratulations, really. Thank you.

So, uh, where's the wedding happening?

In a dream?

No, Alice. In a town hall.

Oh.

Look, I just think it's sad, all right?

Two women pretending to be married.

I pretended I was married for 12 years.

And I think that marriage is based

on commitment and communication

and not necessarily the presence of a penis.

Thank you.

Excuse me. My children are here, all right?

Watch your language.

What, are you worried they're gonna repeat it?

Burt...

Burt, do you hear what's going on here?

No, no, at least Burt and me know

how we're supposed to fit together. "Burt and I."

Is that what this is all about?

Is that what everyone in this fucked-up family needs to know?

How we go together?

Well... Well, we often start by

gently kissing... Oh, I am not doing this.

I said I am not doing this.

Aw, come back!

Aunt Lucy was really making her point.

So, Luce, since you're having people perform,

you know, fake ceremonies and stuff,

why don't you just have them

announce you queen or president?

Mmm.

Shut it. TWINS: All right!

Okay.

Because, I mean, there are programs... Shut your goddamn mouth!

Who can just cast a spell on you.

Whoa, here we go! Make you less afraid of male genitalia. Whoo!

Shut it! Ooh, Lucy!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

When did you get so much stronger than me, huh?

Shut it. Oh, I forgot. You're not.

Ahh!

Table! Wuss.

Oh, no.

Lucy...

Guys! Guys!

All right, that's almost enough.

Stop it. Are you guys kidding?

I love this family.

And you didn't want to come.

One thing about being in such a theatrical family,

it's easy to lose track of everything that's happening offstage.

Grandma?

Grandma!

Grandma!

Grandma, are you okay?

I'm all right.

Open up the door. Mom.

Grandma.

Clear. Clear! What?

Ow!

What happened? I said I'm all right.

What did you do?

I just slipped, and I spilled all this stuff.

Somebody please get me a glass of water.

Get her a glass water.

Are you, are you hurt? Can you get up?

How did you fall down?

She slipped.

Thank you all so much.

Grandma, what are you doing?

I knew it! Mom!

Stop it.

Just stop it. I am not doing anything.

Collins.

I'm Dr. Rice. We pumped your mother's stomach. Hi.

It was an accident.

How did she accidentally chug

half a bottle of sleeping pills?

She was cleaning them up.

With her mouth?

We need to keep her for the night,

but she's going to be fine.

She recently lost her husband, and she slipped,

Lucy? and I think she got confused with...

Little Lucy toothy, is that you?

It's been so long.

Samantha, hi.

Alice.

How are you?

Great. Just great.

When can we take her home?

Well, like I said, just overnight,

and then tomorrow we'll sign her out

and you can take her home.

Well, I think...

Could you keep her for another day,

just to be safe?

Oh, my God.

Bite me.

Skip.

Hey, sis. Did they puke her?

All right, I'll spread it.

All right, bye.

She unswallowed.

Oh, thank God. Poor Grandma.

Yeah.

She just wants to be the star of the funeral.

No, she doesn't.

Hey, Elvis killed himself

because someone was gonna write a book

about his underwear wrestling.

What?

What are you doing?

Grandma asked me to speak at the funeral.

Oh. Nobody asked me to speak.

Do you want to? Because

I have no idea what to say.

Just say...

He was away so much,

it was weird to have him around.

I just want to say something

beautiful and poetic.

Pop loved poetry.

He did? Yeah.

All the ones about Nantucket.

I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl.

"There once was a girl who was crippled,"

"by the weight of her overgrown nipple."

I needed to talk to someone who saw grandpa clearly.

Dad.

Dad, are you in there?

Dad, the door is locked, and I need to talk.

Katie?

Dad?

Fuck!

Coming.

Dad. Coming!

Fuck! Fuck!

Dad.

Coming, coming, sweetie.

God damn it!

Is that a joint?

Ah! Dad?

Yes, boys?

So, uh, how's that book going?

It's hot.

Can we help you with anything?

Maybe, uh, intern with you?

You can rub my feet if you want.

That would be nice.

Mom has that appointment with the parson tomorrow.

Yeah, well, don't worry, 'cause I'm gonna spring her.

She was trying to kill herself.

Yeah. It's pretty common.

In fact, after Scandinavians,

it's the over-70 crowd that is the most suicidal.

Well, shouldn't we be doing something to help her?

No. Mmm-mmm.

'Cause, um, once people have their mind made up,

there's, there's really very little

that you could do to stop 'em.

There's got to be something we can do.

Do you remember that game against Easton?

Oh, yeah. They were a very tough team.

No, but do you remember, uh...

Naomi in the hotel... Oh, at the motel?

With the oow-oow-oow? Oow-oow-oow.

Do you remember? "Oh, look at how silly and normal I can act"

"when I'm not persecuting my sister."

How often do you smoke?

You know...

Never in the morning.

Dad.

I know, I... That was really lame.

I just...

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

You're mourning.

Yeah.

What? You're mourning.

Yeah. Yes. I think I am.

Yeah.

You'd think I'd be over it by now.

Well, Dad, it just happened.

No.

He's been dead for years.

What?

If I just would have gotten

that stupid toothpaste commercial.

That was the moment.

I swear to God.

What are we talking about?

I... I was the choice

for this toothpaste campaign.

I was the guy, and I just...

I could not say the line.

I literally... I couldn't say it.

You know, "It's the breath freshiest."

I just...

Okay. I can't believe I just said that.

I have never been able to say that before.

It's like a tongue-twister for me.

"It's the breath freshiest."

Oh, my God!

Fuck.

Um, Dad, are you okay?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's just...

I just feel sometimes

like I've spent my whole life

in this waiting room

at an audition, you know,

and they finally called my fucking name,

and I just...

And then somebody else stood up, you know,

and they got my role,

and they've been living my life,

and I'm just groping.

I've just been stumbling around

in the dark ever since then.

Your mom knew. Your mom knew.

She always said,

"We have to get out of acting, Daniel."

Mom was an actress?

No.

You just said, "We have to get out of acting."

No. I must have misspelled something.

What?

What?

You told me Mom was a social worker

who died of caring too much.

I said she... What did I say she did?

Dad, did you lie to me?

No, no, no, no. No?

No. I... No.

I probably was just, uh, protecting you.

So, Mom was an actress?

Well...

Is there anything I could see her in?

No.

No? No.

Well...

What kind of movies did Mom make, Dad?

Honestly, it's not that bad.

She never used her real name.

Do you have any, um...

Do you have any Cookie Tushala movies?

I'll check, but we're probably all out.

Is that Katie Collins?

Hi. Hi, Katie.

I haven't seen you since you were at the house with...

You're in luck. And this one's possibly her best,

just for its utter lack of story.

We heard about your grandfather.

Oh, yes. We didn't know him very well,

but we're very sorry.

Oh, thanks so much.

Yeah, that'll be $3.50.

Does Ryan know you're here?

Oh. Wait till he hears who we saw renting...

Vagina Town.

Thanks.

It's a classic.

How would I know?

Be careful what you wish for.

Uh, howdy, ma'am.

Coming.

I just rode into town from a long ride on the trail.

We didn't see this town

on any of our trail maps, ma'am.

Hey, dudes. I'm looking for Katie. Hi.

She's here somewhere.

Cousin Katie!

This is a town unlike any other town.

Yes, ma'am.

This is a very unusual town you have here.

I hope you boys

know how to ride bareback.

Holy Jesus! His penis!

Most people don't even like

to think of their parents having sex with each other,

much less multiple bad actors.

I had to do something.

Hey, I was watching that!

Morning.

Morning.

Coffee?

No.

Other families have these sort of problems,

but they don't talk about them, all right?

I mean, I'm sorry. I live in the real world.

I work hard at raising a decent family.

Ugh!

You don't see me prancing around in my pajamas all day,

starting up pillow fights with my topless girlfriend.

What are we talking about?

It won't work. Everyone knows

that the only gay relationships that last

are between people of the same height.

Did you and Lucy ever get along?

Well, I guess.

Well, when your grandfather was around, of course.

He kept the peace?

Uh, no, no, no.

He just kept us on eggshells.

He had us all so desperate for his approval.

Well, look at your father.

He made a career out of it.

Morning. Morning, Dad.

Morning, Danny.

Morning, everyone. DANIEL: Everybody sleep okay?

Never. I did.

Hey, did we have a blackout last night?

That's what I heard.

Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room...

What? You found my room all right.

It was dark.

So you hid in my closet?

With your kids?

We were lost.

Um, hey, you guys, listen to this.

Tell me how it sounds.

"Grandpa made us aware that there is"

"a whole world of opportunity out there."

He did?

Who are we talking about?

Grandpa. Oh.

Tell her about the time that, uh,

Dad built us that swing.

That was Carl, the neighbor.

Mr. Grabby.

Mr. Grabby built the swing?

Mmm. Oh, he was so creepy.

He'd put his hand on your shoulder and announce, "You're it."

Then he wouldn't run away.

He wouldn't even take his hand away.

Right.

Um, hi, you guys.

Um, there was a lot of paperwork,

and I had to pull some strings

and sign a lot of names,

but she's back.

Grandma. There she is.

Hi, Mother. Hey, Mom.

Try it again, I'll kill you myself.

Alice.

Well, I have to get back to work, so... Bye.

Thanks, Sam.

What happened, Grandma?

Nothing happened.

I was just a little confused.

About what?

Well, I thought the vows we took were forever.

They were.

It's just that your forever

was longer than Grandpa's forever.

Hi, everybody. ALL: Hey, Ryan.

Katie.

Hey, Ryan.

How are you?

Good. Um...

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

Hey. You know...

He died.

Yeah. Um... You know, it's... You can't, uh...

You want to, like, go for a walk or...

So...

So...

Still driving a taxi? Yeah. Yep.

To save up money for college.

Are you mad at me?

No.

Really? Really. I mean it.

You're a great kid.

Um... Thanks, Coach.

No, I just... I just think that...

What happened last summer was...

What? What happened?

At your house.

After the movie.

Oh, you don't mean

that time when you attacked me at the movie theater,

and then you came over to my place

and took all your clothes off

and then ran out without saying goodbye.

Is that what you're talking about?

Katie.

Knock-knock. Who's there?

Salmon. Salmon who?

Salmonella.

What are you doing?

Science experiment.

How many eggs does it take to make them say something?

Speak, young cousins.

Burt, you see what's going on here?

Burt.

Oh. Uh...

What has Alice done to all of you?

Now, this is my favorite.

Cherry, inlaid olive,

and real brass fittings.

At just $32,000, it's quite a steal.

Just $32,000?

How much does it cost to stick him in a garbage bag?

Mother!

What does he care? Mom,

it's just unbelievably disrespectful.

This isn't even going in the ground.

What?

What do you mean?

Dad wanted us to float him out in a flaming boat.

I'm not sure that's legal.

Great.

Well, my kids are not staying for that.

Why doesn't he want to be buried?

I don't want to be buried.

No. This is not about you.

I hate bugs.

Yeah, I have to admit, I don't exactly get

the whole cemetery thing myself.

A cemetery is like an old-age home for the dead,

a place where you can visit your loved ones without the bother

of daily care and maintenance.

Daily care?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Ah, Parson Banke.

Sad business.

Sad business.

This is the surviving Collins family.

I'm Alice Collins.

Hi. I'm Daniel.

Daniel. Hi.

Hi.

They're mourning the loss of their beloved Edmund.

Ah. Ah.

I didn't know Edmund as well as I should have.

Perhaps if we had ever met.

Katie.

Katie. Katie. Katie, Katie, Katie, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I don't want anything that may or may not have happened between us

to affect our friendship.

You mean that? Yeah.

I don't have any friends like you.

So we'll be friends? Yeah.

Always were. Right?

Thank you.

Well, I don't know why everything has to be

such a production with this family.

We didn't need to buy one.

The basement's loaded with boxes.

You don't bring your own, Mom.

But we did buy one. We bought a box.

So, it's over.

Looked more like a shipping crate, but...

Your father would have wanted a bag.

Look, could we just try to act normal

for the next two days? Would that be possible?

Does that include you, or are you just telling everybody else what to do?

Look, don't cast me in the role

of crazed control freak, all right?

Stop auditioning for it.

I just wanted to put my dead father in a nice box.

You want to put everyone in a box.

The ineffectual mother box,

the struggling actor box.

People put themselves in boxes.

I just label them.

Like the rebellious, teenage lesbian box

that you're still stuck in at 35.

Stop it. Stop it!

Ladies. Don't start your shit with me, little sis!

I'm warning you...

Something is stuck to my tongue!

Try not to worry so much.

Everything is gonna work out for you kids.

And always remember to brush before bed.

Uh, guys...

So, that was really lucky.

You guys were right there, hmm?

Yeah. Um...

That was lucky. Yeah.

Um, you guys...

Sam.

Is she gonna be all right?

Um, she's... She's gonna be fine.

She snapped a few bones,

mostly shoulder and face,

a couple of ribs.

But they slapped her in a halfie.

Oh, well, that's good, right?

Can we see her?

Not until she hardens,

and, you know, even then, it might not be, um, a great idea.

She might want to be left alone,

because usually people are kind of embarrassed

after an accident like that.

It wasn't an accident.

Well, it is what it is.

So, um, why don't you guys, uh, go home,

and then I'll... I'll give you an update

when I get off of work.

I'm sorry, you had to see my grandma like that.

I've never seen anyone like that.

Hey.

You okay? Oh, yeah.

This weekend just keeps getting better and better.

Your grandmother's gonna be fine, okay?

And your grandfather...

He's, um...

I'm sorry.

I still have to think of something

to say about him that's

nicer than, "He wasn't a freak like the rest of you."

You could talk about

how his eyes would light up when he saw you.

Or how they'd narrow

when he saw me.

Feel a little better?

Did she say anything before she jumped?

"Brush your teeth."

Oral hygiene freak.

Shh!

I heard something.

Malice.

Yeah, what ever happened to Alice?

Yeah. Who dumped her in the bitch tank?

She wasn't like this when we were kids.

Wait a second.

We're talking about Alice here?

Yeah. Alice was fun

and mischievous.

We're talking about your sister Alice?

Yeah.

What happened?

You know how some women respond to motherhood?

Some don't.

It's Kate.

What are you guys doing down here?

Just sitting and...

Smoking pot again?

That's what we're doing.

Your family's a weed-head.

Remember, remember the crew cuts in high school?

You and Alice

fought the dress code there.

She was cool.

Remember when she used to sing? Remember that?

My Aunt Alice?

Alice and Blue.

Yeah, whatever happened to Alice and Blue?

Whatever happened to any of us, really?

What happened to us? I mean,

what's gonna happen? We're gonna close our eyes, and then

we're gonna open up, and we're all gonna be on a big

flaming rowboat.

Dead on a boat.

Yeah, how are we supposed to do that, by the way?

Do what? Mom said that

Dad wants us to

put him in his little rowboat.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding here.

And light it on fire.

And launch him out to sea.

Like the Vikings.

Hmm. And you listened to her?

Good thing he didn't want us to eat him.

Hey, my boys will help, when we do that.

That's comforting.

When I die,

I want to be cremated.

Oh, me, too.

Yeah, me, too.

I want you to take my ashes,

and I want you to mix them

with the ink that the government uses to print money.

Yes. And then... And then I'll be everywhere.

So, this is how you choose to

spend the time, while mother

is hardening in the hospital? That's cool.

Emotion denied.

Hey, give me that joint.

Give me the joint.

Uh-oh.

She's adding ingredients to her personality.

You know, um, now

might be a good time for you to get stories.

About you grandfather.

You know what I would say if he was here?

Right now? I'll tell you what I'd say if he was here.

Say, "Hey, Dad. You got another son."

"You got another kid."

"There's two of us, all right?"

"Don't you remember? Don't you remember the Skipper?"

"Oh, no, no."

"That's my boy. That's my... That's my Danny boy."

"He's my boy, my Danny boy."

Well, what about me?

What about... Look what I can do.

Huh? Look what I stuck to my face, Dad.

Huh? Can I be your boy?

Can I be your boy?

I'm right in front of you!

This is good shit.

Oh, yeah.

You know, that's a great example for your daughter.

I'm not here.

Uh, nice to see you all.

She said she wasn't here, but

she was here.

I don't know if your, uh, grandparents ever told you,

but I used to go up there and hang out

when you weren't around,

till your grandfather hit me with a rock.

You coming? Yeah.

He said he thought I was a crow.

I was not his favorite person.

What am I gonna say about him?

What would you want people to say about you?

What could you say about me?

What would I say about you?

We had a... A dress code in high school.

We had to wear skirts,

blouses, little vests.

And Alice talked

a bunch of girls, maybe 20,

into protesting it.

So, they come to school,

and they're wearing jeans and hot pants...

The headmaster lost it.

He suspended them, so next week...

Next week?

What's next week?

Sweetie...

You were telling a story.

Yeah, you were telling a story.

Alice and the dress code.

Oh, God.

We had a dress code in high school.

We had to wear these little uniforms...

We heard this part.

With the... With blouses and things like this.

And Alice talked a bunch of girls, maybe 20...

Fast-forward.

And they come to school wearing hot pants and jeans...

And so, the next week,

they come back to school wearing the uniform,

but they had crew cuts.

You know, I can't remember a time that you weren't telling that story.

No. She was my hero.

I'll have some.

No. You've had quite enough, my darling.

You remember when we used to

try to listen for each other's thoughts?

Okay, I got one.

No. Tell me the first thought.

Tell me what I'm thinking.

You're thinking, "I hope he doesn't ask me about my first thought again."

Oh, it's drizzling.

It's nice.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, Sam, thanks.

Thanks for helping us so much.

Oh, anything for you, Alice.

Oh, that's nice. All right.

Do you want to hear something really pretty?

A song. I've been listening to it.

Yeah. Okay. On the way here.

I still think this tree house needs a second storey.

That was one of our better ideas.

Who knew

that wood paneling

wouldn't make a solid floor?

You know?

Everybody. Yeah, exactly.

And they kept telling us. Yeah.

We had a dream.

We did.

I still dream about you.

Hey, what ever happened to that guy

that you were going with in college?

Um... Oh, nothing.

Hmm.

Hey, Alice.

You remember when your father walked in

on us in the basement?

Were we doing this?

Kind of.

Were we doing this?

Um... Sort of.

What are you guys doing here?

Just looking.

He's fogging up my window. Shut up.

Stop. What is that?

We've got to go inside. Come on.

What are you guys looking at?

That's Samantha's car.

I love you guys.

Oh! You!

And now

Miss Katherine Ann Collins will bestow upon us

a few comforting words

in our time of bereavement.

Edmund Collins was a great man,

who we all loved

very deeply.

Oh, God!

And he made us feel special about ourselves...

Oh, come on, Katie!

Grandpa!

Sweetheart, you could do better than that.

I, uh...

You, uh...

That's the way you talk when you've been

hanging around that local boy too much.

I know what you've been doing.

'Cause I can see everything.

I'm sorry, Grandpa.

I'm depending on you, sweetie.

Yes, Grandpa.

So, don't let me ever

catch you fooling around with that delinquent,

or I swear I'll...

Good morning.

Okay...

Um...

Is Alice up?

Are you leaving?

Yes.

Okay.

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Where is she?

I don't know.

She didn't leave with Samantha?

Morning.

Morning.

Where's, uh...

We don't know.

Well, did she leave... No, she didn't.

I saw her get out of the car,

and I saw her go towards the woods.

And then she just became

a tiny, screaming...

I'm sorry.

There are only two hours before the funeral,

and I really need some help here.

Two hours? Mmm!

I got to shower.

Hey, are you guys getting dressed up?

Hey, hey, hey, you guys.

Could one of you please tell me

one nice thing

I can say about your dead father?

He often called me Andrea for no reason.

I was Barry.

Wait a minute. What about...

Remember Thanksgiving,

and that crazy lady broke in the house? Oh, my God...

Yes, that woman with the red hair.

Yep, yep, and remember.

She took the, the leg off a turkey

and started banging it on the table,

and screaming something about Easter?

That's... Easter. That's right.

You remember how cool Dad was?

He leapt over the table, swept her off her feet,

and carried her out the front door.

"He protected us."

What else?

Why don't you

read a passage

from Death of a Salesman?

I don't know any.

I do.

"Put up your hands. Goddamn you!"

"Put up your hands. Ha."

"What do you think you are, better than everybody else?"

"You don't know everything!

"You don't know, you big ignorant, stupid...

"Put... Put up your goddamn hands!

"Put up your hands.

"Attention must be paid."

"You ratted on us, Terry!"

"You ratted on us."

Shut up!

Hi, Katie. Ryan.

How's your leg?

It's... You know...

Broken.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. Uh, here.

Here.

What's this?

That's the answer to your question.

Uh, before you open it,

uh, can we maybe...

Like, go inside and talk?

Oh, it's...

It's kind of crazy in there.

Okay.

Do you wanna go somewhere else?

Um...

This is kind of a bad time for me. I...

Could we maybe meet tomorrow before I go back to school?

You didn't

want me to come to the funeral?

No, no, I do.

I do want you to come. I just...

It's kind of...

It's Grandpa, and I'm just afraid

you'll be too much of a distraction.

I get it. Okay.

That came out wrong. I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no.

That came out perfect.

I don't know what you want from me, Katie.

I'm gonna go.

Katie.

Katie.

What?

Katie.

What?

Do you see my cell phone?

No!

I knew you'd kill yourself if you missed your husband's funeral.

Of course they're all gonna be there.

Okay, you're ready.

Mmm!

Okay, here we go.

Yeah, I am hurrying.

Nurse.

Uh, I just have to get her down to X-ray, stat.

I didn't order any X-rays.

There.

And now...

Ta-da!

And for you,

a hat

and...

It's a look. Okay.

Let's run some lights.

Touch him.

You.

Looks like he's gonna say something.

"Could somebody please scratch my nose?"

We're gonna need more gas.

I definitely don't want to do this twice.

I'm just asking everyone

to stop at my office after this.

It's on the way to the lake.

Sure.

Katie, I'm just asking...

Did you invite any of his coworkers?

Well... Your grandfather was more of a family man.

So it's just us?

Well, where's your grandmother?

You didn't hear?

Grandma... What in the world happened?

Are you okay?

She said she's fine.

She's happy to be here.

I don't know. He looks different to me.

It's hard to picture him without a twinkle in his eye.

He really loved you.

He did.

Something's stuck to my tongue.

Nice touch.

Bye, Dad.

Why

do people have to die?

I...

I'm sorry.

My uncle died recently.

He was really... Really the one who...

Rai...

He raised me.

Jimmy. Jimmy. Uncle Jimmy.

Jiminy Cricket.

I am not in love

But I'm open to persuasion

East or west

Where's the best

For romancing?

With a friend

I can smile

But with a lover I can hold my head back

And really laugh, really laugh

Thank you

This is bullshit.

No. I'm sorry. Screw her.

Come on, Luce.

No, don't. She has made a business out of persecuting me,

and I'm supposed to sit here at my father's funeral

and watch her fuck-sing at Samantha?

Screw that.

Jeez, Luce!

What is wrong with this family?

Wow.

I hadn't heard Alice sing since you were a baby.

She had a little trouble with the high notes.

Is it too much to ask that we bury my grandfather

with a little honor and dignity?

I think it is, sweetie, yeah.

You all know how I felt about Ed.

He was somebody I considered to be

a very close personal friend.

I have here his last will and testament.

He leaves his house at 132 Rolling Drive

to his beloved wife, Charlotte.

He leaves $1,000 cash to Kate for expenses.

He also left a videotape

that he instructed me to play for you.

What about his money?

Uh, he had no other assets. I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Hello, everybody. Surprise!

Before I leave, I just want to say goodbye

and say a few other things as well.

First, I'm not a salesman.

Hell, I couldn't sell nose plugs to a proctologist.

I never did a day's work in my life.

I never knew how to do anything,

except a little acting maybe.

That's where my Danny boy got it from.

There's something stuck to my tongue, too.

Of course, Jerry was the one with the film career.

What I'm trying to tell you is...

There were three of you.

He always forgets me.

One in Rhode Island,

one in Mexico, and one in South Carolina.

If you think raising three families is a lot of work,

you try doing it without letting them find out about each other.

Oh, that's a killer.

Talk about leaking money.

Oh, when I was 20,

I inherited millions,

and now I'm up to my prostate in debt.

It was a crazy life,

but I loved it

because I love my three wonderful wives

and my nine precious...

11.

11?

Eleven children? My God.

No wonder I couldn't get your names straight.

Anyway, I've had a great life.

A full life.

Three full lives.

You should all be so lucky.

Katie Collins, I'd like you to find

my other two families

and inform them of their loss.

Remember, I was just as big a part of their families as I was of yours.

If I've learned anything, it's to be true to yourself.

Look it.

He clocked them.

All the way from the grave.

All this time, I thought you were his favorite.

Well, I mean, you were his favorite one of us.

But we could have been his second-favorite family.

I left something in the...

We could have been his third.

Congratulations on the thousand bucks.

Thanks.

What makes you think they know what they're doing?

This is actually the kind of stuff they're good at.

Maybe we should watch from over there.

Yeah.

I never knew.

None of us did.

No. I mean, I knew your family

was, you know... A little...

But I had no idea.

You know, Sam, I think

I'll catch up with you later.

I'm gonna have a word with my brother there.

Okay.

Dad, a little assistance.

Listen, guys...

My pop never told me...

He never told me...

How much he... Don't.

What?

You were gonna say the "L" word.

I just want you to know...

Dad, we know how you feel.

Don't cheapen it with words.

I don't want to be like him.

So leave us better instructions.

Now, could you push?

I love you, guys.

Dad! Dad!

I know. It felt weird, but I did it.

The fuse!

Oh, great.

No worries. We came prepared.

Oh, great.

Hey, do you remember Harry Barnes?

Don't give me crap about that. No, no, no...

I'm not in the mood. I don't want to...

I'm not giving you crap about it.

You remember him, right?

How could I forget him? He tortured you.

No, I know. "Hey, here comes peanut butter boy..."

Or crunchy-munchy face or roasted-toasted...

Yeah, I know. I just... I wanted...

Well, what?

I just wanted to thank you.

I just want to thank you for that.

Thank you for looking after us,

protecting us.

Really.

He had a glass jaw.

What? He did.

Glass jaw.

He did.

You clobbered that kid.

No.

No, no, no. Yes. You had

an unbelievable right hand, Alice.

Alice, please.

You dropped that boy.

You did. You...

Ow. That...

Ow!

I hope you hurt yourself.

That really hurt.

I can't remem...

When was the last time

that the two of us just hung out like this?

I can't remember.

I feel like... Are we forgetting something?

No.

My glasses,

my things.

One joint.

Funeral.

Dad.

Fuck!

Lucy...

I think you owe your sister a big apology.

I don't have a sister.

Did we miss anything?

There's nothing left to say.

He ended it all.

Well, let me see what you got here.

You want a Twizzler? You sure?

Mmm-hmm.

I can remember the day that you were born.

I can. I remember the doctor coming in

and saying, "It's a girl."

I thought, "Finally, a baby sister."

I'm gonna have a friend for the rest of my life."

Friend?

You've been making me feel bad about myself

for the past 15 years.

I know. It wasn't about you.

Oh, I was there. It was all about me.

Well, maybe I thought I was helping you.

Maybe you didn't think.

All right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lucy.

I'm so sorry.

For what?

For not being there for you,

for not being on your side.

That's... I wasn't on your side.

Yeah. Well...

Dad?

You ready, sweetie?

No.

There's a lot of good stuff here.

You know, just maybe skip the part

about him being a salesman, you know.

You ready?

No.

Uh, everybody. Can we gather?

Katie's going to honor what's left of our father

with a eulogy.

Dad, lighter.

Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.

We don't have a bagpipe player.

We know the words.

How many laws you suppose we're breaking here?

Yeah, I should be preparing a defense.

Um... We have gathered here today

to honor my, uh, grandfather, Edmund Collins.

Shut it.

Edmund was more than just a great father.

He was a great... Guy.

Use your aim, guys.

Grandpa had the playful habit

of showering us with unusual nicknames.

Grandpa protected us while he was off...

And even though he wasn't always around,

let's face it, more than anything,

my grandfather was a family man.

Sorry.

Move me over there.

Ha, ha, ha. What's so funny?

Your father's dead.

Maybe he wasn't the man we all thought he was,

but he's the reason we're all here.

So... Go ahead and laugh.

He made me laugh.

Just remember,

this is the last chance you have

to say goodbye to your father.

Katie, I gave you a job to do.

Get over here.

And just speak from your heart.

All right, Katie.

"Did you really leave me again?"

"After all the seasons I spent waiting,

"watching out the window,

"listening at the door,

"waiting for the news of your return,

"for the news that you realized"

"that someone important was waiting for you?"

"A whole lifetime I've been waiting.

"I can't believe you're not coming back."

"I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting."

"I can't believe you left me again."

Grandpa didn't leave because of you.

It was because of you that he kept coming back.

I hope you all realize that.

Nice.

Papa was a rolling stone

Wherever he laid his hat was his home

And when he died

All he left...

So, after it stopped raining Grandpa,

I caught a ride here.

I'm so honored and touched.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

No wonder Edmund was gone so often.

It's hard to believe. It really is.

Poor Barbara.

What do you mean?

I don't know what to say.

You're not Barbara?

Edmund was the best neighbor I ever had.

How'd it go?

Oh...

Pretty well, I guess.

I was starting to think maybe you ducked out the back on me or something.

Wait. Stop the car for a second.

I'll explain on the way.

"This tape will explain what this note cannot."

"Vag... In...

A... Town."

What's a vag?

So, I think that brings us to the toasts,

and I think we should toast my sister

and my new sister-in-law.

So I think the lovely and articulate Simon

will do the honors, right?

Big Skip.

Big Skip. Well, come and prove

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, here they are.

We're here for these two lovely ladies

on this momentous occasion.

And we're all happy for them.

Oh. Oh, I have a perfect joke for tonight. Yes, I do.

It's not dirty. It's not a dirty joke!

It's not a dirty joke. Just let people have...

It's a simple joke.

These two gym teachers walk into a hardware store...

That's it. All right.